Hey there! Welcome to TUGS Abridged! Now, here's the deal. The average Tugs episode is longer than four Classic Thomas episodes combined and I want to get this out as soon as possible. So what I'm doing is I'm breaking it down into parts. For this one, there's either going to be two or three. Enjoy!
...
August 1989.
CLICK.
"I would like to thank you, Captain Star, for agreeing to meet with me today. I understand that Star Tugs rests for no man or boat-"
"Oh please, dispense with the formality, David- If I may call you that? David. It's just Allan."
"Thank you, Allan."
"And the honor is mine. I'd been thinking about writing a book for a while now, but the arthritis hasn't made things easier, and it's so hard to come by a good secretary these days. I am curious though, how did you find me?"
"Actually, you can thank Sir Topham Hatt for that one. I'd found out he'd been doing business with you, and he mentioned that you had quite a number of tales to tell. I'm only sorry it took so long, production on my other series has slipped somewhat, and I imagine that this could not only provide the public with stories of your brave ships, but also could help a lot with that series as well."
"Always happy to lend a hand! So, where do you want to get started?"
"Well...actually, could you just tell us a bit about the Star Tugs, and indeed about yourself? I must admit, you were always a mystery to many people who did business with you."
"Well, at the time when the fleet was most active, business was booming. Admittedly, a lot of it has died down since then, but back then it was a cut-throat business. There were some captains of less morality based logic who were willing to actually kill to get their way. Hence the megaphone, which I believe is the rather enduring image of myself and the others at the time. It meant that not only could I be getting along with other things aside from helping my Tugs, but that my face was not recognizable to the public. And to my competitors."
"Ah. So, this business, it was competitive?"
"To say the least. No, back then, it was worse. There was less scrutiny for men of big business, hence there was more they could get away with. But eventually, everyone else failed. Bar one."
"We'll come to him in good time. Now- Hold on, that's my car going, I'll be back now."
"Of course."
CLICK.
...
CLICK.
"Sorry about that. Now, why do you think it was that the tugboat's, in particular, was such a crowded market."
"Well, the tugboat, for it's size, is among the most powerful crafts afloat. Get a good enough tug, and you can pull anything. And the Star Tugs, well, they were the power behind the docks and waterways that made up the Bigg City Port. I don't know if you can tell, but we're rather far out of the way compared to the other cities."
"Why the name?"
"Well, there were rumors that it was meant to ironic. Some anti-Capitalist politican created the city as a means to mock the commercialization of the trade. Alternatively, they may have just been really drunk and they didn't want to put in that much effort."
"I think I know which one I believe."
"Definitely."
"Just for the record, this is what I'm tentatively calling 'Tugs'. So, Allan, would you care to explain a bit about your business and what you did?"
"Gladly."
...
AT SOME POINT IN THE 1920'S.
"The scene is set. The 1920's. Age of Wodehouse, Hemingway and flappers. And of the greatest cold war on the waters. At the time, Bigg City Port was the biggest harbor in the world. At least, that's what the official press at the time stated. It was a time of change and great opportunity for all. And nobody knew this better than the hard working tugs, whose strength, big hearts and willingness to do anything for the almighty pound had won over everyone from tramp steamers to ocean liners. Important jobs in the port would keep them working night and day, but they...well, they complained a lot actually, but they did it. And my tugs, the Star Fleet, were no exception. Jokes were often cracked about how in forty years time, there may be a bigger organization that would become famous for that name. Now, at the time I'm thinking of, the most eventful in our history, I had about three harbor tugs.
There was OJ, the paddle-steamer, who was Welsher than a red dragon. The other two were large tugs that could take nearly anything that the world could throw at them, Big Mac and Warrior. The former was Scottish and knew it, while the latter was dumber than a box of rocks buried beneath a mound of dirt. There was also a railway tug, Top Hat, posher than the King and with about as much tolerance for anything strenous as a germ has for a healthy body. There was a switcher, Ten Cents, who had mastered the art of being both idealistic and cynical. And finally, Hercules, my camp ocean going tug.
They were a good crew, striving to be the best in the port...though they bickered like anything. They didn't always succeed, but they were proud of their work. And I still remember the day we got our first big break. It started like most, at dawn."
...
"Good morning Star-Fleet! Today I've managed to charter another switcher to help with the extra work! He's from up-river, and we all know what they're like!" Several agreeing shouts met this statement. "Ten Cents?" Ten Cents snapped to attention, his expression looking indignant that Captain Star would even assume that he had been doing something wrong.
Well. Was it wrong if Top Hat hadn't realized what had been thrown at him.
"He'll be working with you. Show him the ropes."
"Right Captain Star. Ere...what's his name?"
"Sunshine."
"Oh." Ten Cents smiled shiftily. "We sure he's a he?"
"Okay, okay, enough of that." But it wasn't.
"Sunshine!?" came the screech that still endeavored to sound somewhat posh. "Only good for day work is he?!"
"Might brighten you up a bit, Top Hat!" Ten Cents cackled. Hat glared and was about to move over to flick the bositerous tug in what passed for his ear when Big Mac and OJ moved in between the two of them.
"I resent that!"
"And now you know how we feel working with you!" said Big Mac cheerfully.
"Settle down." Star was firm but clearly amused. "Give Sunshine a chance. Apparently he annoyed everyone at his last harbor with a certain impediment of his, but we're out of luck. Now for the really good news!"
"We're getting rid of Top Hat!?"
"If only Big Mac. If only."
"Can I throw a party anyway?" asked Warrior, as usual somewhat unable to articulate the sarcasm.
"After a lot of hard bargaining, not to mention death threats, I've managed to land us the Ocean Liner contract." Gasps greeted this. It was rare enough that a tug even managed to see one of these ocean liners, much less help one in, especially in this port. "And it's one of the biggest around!"
"It's not Estonia, is it? That girl's got a real attitude problem." Ten Cents smirked. "But I reckon if push comes to shove-"
"No. Not Estonia. The Duchess!"
Impressed murmurs ran through the fleet. "Wowie! Boyo's, we're in the big businesses now!" OJ laughed, practically reveling in the Welshness of his accent.
"When she arrives this afternoon, the Star Fleet will bring her in to dock! But first we have to prove ourselves. We don't want a repeat of the Earl of Doncaster incident, do we?"
"One time!" fumed Top Hat. "One time you accidentally send a liner into a dock!"
"OJ you're in charge!"
"Aye aye sir!"
"Big Mac?"
"Sir?"
"You're leading."
"Aye. Fair enough." He glared at Top Hat. "An there'll be none of yer're mistakes again!"
"I resent the implication!"
"I resent your face!"
"Enough of that! Top Hat, Warrior, you're on the side push!"
Top Hat's face could be the textbook definition of 'Oh Lord, Why Me?' and Warrior...well Warrior just looked happy to be included. Ten Cents moved forward. "Ah! Not you Ten Cents! No work for switchers here!"
"No work for arseholes and yet you turned up." Amid the howls of laughter from the rest of the Star Fleet, and Captain Star covered the speaker so as not to broadcast that he found this amusing, Ten Cents accepted it. "Yeah, all right."
"Yeah, that's right! Big tugs only, Ten Cents!"
"Make sure you don't bump into her Warrior!"
"All right. Ten Cents, show Sunshine how to get the work done. Try not to kill anyone. And fast!"
"Anything else sir? Shopping? Knitting? Yeah right, I know."
"Now! The rest of you! Finish up early as you can so you can look as spic and span as you possibly can. Top Hat, I repeat my remark from last time that it's not a oppurtunity for you to put on your admiral's coat."
"Fine sir." said Top Hat through clenched teeth.
...
"Now, our biggest rival in those days was Captain Zero. With the Z-Stacks, he was always looking for ways to get further ahead. This included anything from trafficking stolen goods to out right sabotage."
Five brown and black tugs stood to attention as a speaker was lowered out."Now listen ta me and listen good! The Star Fleet are about ta get the ocean liner contract."
The Z-Stacks said things too vulgar to print or say as Zero continued onwards.
"And I'm not happy!"
"We're not smiling, Captain Zero!" said Zorran, a rude ship that sounded like Kenneth Williams having his balls squeezed at the worst of times.
"I'm glad ye don't find it funny in the least, Zorran, because if you did you would be at the bottom of the ocean faster than ye could say ginger beer." The Five winced. He wasn't exaggerating. There had been a time when Star Tugs and Z Stacks had had equal numbers. Then the others had offended Zero somehow. Now they were merely five. "Now I want that contract and ye're going to get it for me! By hook or by crook!"
Murmurs swept through the five Tugs.
"But..." stammered Zip, a cheeky sod who tended to be somewhat baffled by most of the more devious plans cooked up by the Captain. "But I thought that, er-"
Zero rounded on Zip. "I DON'T EXPECT YE TO THINK, YA GREAT BILLOWING SASSANACH!"
"Oh."
"You're a team! The best, the better looking, the more powerful, and, dare I say, more devious!"
"I like that bit about better looking!" rumbled Zak, the third in the fleet and by far the most powerful. Strength wise. Brain wise, he was as thick as four planks and had a face like a smashed prune.
"Good for ye, Zak." The Captain muttered, somewhat patronizingly.
"Yes, but what's devious?!" Zip protested, having decided to ignore higher education to take up his life long desire of being a bit of a pillock.
"Devious!" snarled the Captain. "That is what is needed ta make a honest living in these days of corruption!" If one listened closer, you could hear him laughing to himself softly, before snapping back into business mode. "Not ta mention the bad business ethics!"
"Oh."
"NOW! Fire up those boilers and get to bloody work! I want that Duchess contract! Thur's no time to lose!" One thing to note about Captain Zero that when he grew angrier and more passionate, his accent grew stronger.
"No problem!" Zorran bragged. "Those bunch of clapped out old rusty sardine tins'll never know what hit em!"
"BULLETS!"
Everyone stopped and looked at Zak. He paused and coughed. "What, we're not-"
"Too devious." advised Zebedee, the second in command and also one of those who dithered a lot. You got the feeling when meeting him that his heart really wasn't into all this, and he was only putting it on because the alternative was learning how to blow bubbles through the hole in his throat.
"I'll take care of it if my name's not Zorran!"
Amid laughter, there came Zip's remark. "But it is Zorran!
Zorran closed his eyes. "Zug, just...just make sure he doesn't accidentally sink himself." Zip's carer and fellow prank puller, Zug, nodded gravely.
...
"In the morning, Hercules had a important contract up the coast. So I was to lose his great strength and ability to mostly get on with whatever he was doing, on the one day that we'd need it most. Because of course we would."
Ten Cents hurried up, looking somewhat annoyed to be losing one of his closest friends. "Oi, Hercules! The Duchess is coming up this afternoon! Pity you won't be there! You can exchange make up tips!"
"Hardy ha, m'darling." Hercules grinned. "I know, I really hate to disappoint the Duchess on such a day."
"Yeah, right. Ere, I'm looking for a switcher? Name of Sunshine? You ain't seen im?"
"Fraid not, old dear."
"Yeah, right, of course, I mean he better show up. I have WORK to do today! I'm the pride of the harbor!"
"Thought that was me." Hercules headed off. "Be back tonight. Put the pie on, be a dear? Oh, and Ten Cents? Look after the Duchess for me!"
"Should I tell Lily you said that?" Ten Cents laughed as Hercules's face went beet red and he ended up backing into a wooden dock. Ten Cents glanced over and saw OJ steaming along.
"Ten Cents!" came the call "That switcher bloke found you yet?!"
"Nah, not yet! You haven't-"
"Ah! I have! He's been looking for you!"
"Where-" But OJ had hurried off, leaving Ten Cents to stare off into the distance. "Oh, of course. Better go look for the poor sod." He started out, past a barge of coal that blocked his line of sight.
This explains then, why he was promptly smacked right in the face by another switcher. Both let out a shout of surprise.
"Er, schorry! Schir!" schaid- Ahem, said the other tug. He looked genuinely worried and Ten Cents decided that getting angry at this point and getting his details would be far too much effort.
"Yeah, well, er, watch it...y'know, in future."
"I was, I was er, looking for Ten Cents?" The tug had a strange sort of whistling lisp, the effect of which was somewhat unusual. But then Bigg City had always been a place that was slightly more ahead of the times. Slightly.
"Yeah? Just found him."
"Ah! I'm, er, Schunschine! Schir!" He swallowed and with a great deal of effort repeated himself. "Sunshine, sir."
"Ah good to meet you...at last, I've been looking all over the bloody place! Look, let's get to work! Try and get you caught up! We're docking a ocean liner this afternoon!" He sighed. "For some reason. Hey, now we finish on time, we've got plenty of time to watch!"
"Yes schir!"
"Now-" Ten Cents chuckled. "Now look Sunshine, as much as I delight in having actual power for a change, this clearly isn't going to work. Only Captain Star's sir. And only then to his face. I'm just Ten Cents."
"Right! Er, schure thing Just Ten Cents!"
"Cheeky so and so."
...
"Well well! Look what the tide dragged in!"
"A dead seagull!" gasped Zak. "Can I keep it!?"
"Zak...stop." Zorran turned to face a rather large barge with a sombrero on his head and the most over the top Mexican accent until Mario. "Izzy Gomez"
"Eh, you guys, I need a tow." Izzy was actually probably not Mexican. In all honesty, he probably put on the accent in a attempt to trick tugs into thinking that he was a complete and utter idiot. Which...was a fair assessment of his actual character.
"We don't accept bananas as payment!" Zak paused. "Not anymore, anyway. Captain said that it wasn't a...a..."
"Valuable form of currency." Zorran stated, knowing that Zak and big words went together as well as peanut butter and seaweed.
"Eh, you two big shots, you are towing the Duchess, right?" Through the rather broken English, Izzy was clearly baiting the bull. Zorran, full of bull, took the bait.
"Ha! And what would you know about it you South American piece of junk!?" Zorran was definitely a tug of the 20's in this regard. Izzy was no better. He was actually from Hampstead, but he had a contract with San Juan Bananas, and this was the only way that he could think of to try and sell them.
"I know that I sit around waiting for somebody to tow me. The Duchess, she come in dis morning, suddenly everybody busy!"
Any self-respecting South American would have winced at this.
"But-" said Zak in a rare flash of common sense, or so he thought "-Duchess ain't due til this afternoon-"
"Shut it! Dinghy brain, let's move!" And with Zak muttering mutinously, they headed off, leaving Izzy to wonder where his life choices had lead him.
"Eh, whatta day! Gotta get a tow, gotta unload these bananas! Jeez, what does it take to get a tow!?"
...
"Yer're sure about this?" Zero was clearly interested despite himself.
"Seen it with my own eyes!" Zorran declared brazenly. Top Hat, in the background, looked at the three of them like he was staring at something a dog had done on the pavement, then carried on.
"Yeah!" said Zak, who was easily led. "We both seen it!"
This was pretty much the same thing as just Zorran seeing it, as Zak had once said he had seen a bunch of Nessies swimming back towards Scotland one time Zug had told him about it.
"Now I want that contract! And ye will get it for me! Got it?"
"Yes sir! Zorran was gleeful at the prospect.
"Anything. Ye will do anything to get that, got it?"
"Loud and clear, boss." Zorran's smirk grew wider, and the five tugs shared a laugh.
Zip broke the mood by asking "What are we laughing about, again?"
TO BE CONTINUED.