Meredith wept for a long time, long enough for answering tears to well up in Cristina's eyes too, threatening to make the air of reassuring steadiness she had been struggling to maintain since she had arrived much less convincing. Every trembling exhale that she felt puff hot against her chest shattered her internally just a little more than the last, until her mind screamed at her to say something, to do something to make this stop before she was as much of a wreck as Meredith.
But although her hand never stopped rubbing soothing circles in between Mer's still too- prominent shoulder blades, when she opened her mouth, she found that no words would come. In all their years of friendship, she had never seen Meredith in this much pain before. This wasn't something that could be fixed with dirty jokes and cheap tequila; and they couldn't just turn on the radio and dance it out this time either. This was serious, Cristina thought grimly, and she had no idea what to do.
Suddenly, she felt scared and helpless- the two emotions she hated most- as she was forced to face an uncomfortable truth. Yes, she had known Meredith for years; they were family. But unlike Mer, she didn't have kids. So no matter how much she loved the crying woman wrapped fiercely in her arms and how excruciating it was to witness her fall apart, Cristina knew that although she would try, she could never completely understand the intensity of her friend's pain. And for one paralyzing moment, she wondered if Alex had been wrong to think that she could help. She wondered why she had even come.
The hospital was quiet around them, which made the pounding in her temples when her heart began to race seem even louder. Calm down, she told herself sternly, but her body refused to obey. Her breath still came too fast, like she had just run up 10 flights of stairs even though she had hardly moved for the last half hour. She was just beginning to plot her escape route from the room whose walls now seemed to be rapidly closing in on her when Meredith suddenly spoke, distracting her from her thoughts just in time.
"I failed, Cristina." She sobbed bitterly. "I'm a failure." Her words were muffled both by the wires filling her mouth and the soft fabric of Cristina's sweater that still obscured half of her face, but the hopelessness in her voice was heart-wrenchingly clear. "Everything I promised Derek- everything I promised myself..." Meredith's voice cracked as she trailed off into silence and when she spoke again, her confession was so soft that even in the stillness, Cristina had to strain to hear her.
"I tried so hard," She whispered brokenly. "But I just wasn't enough."
Cristina stared down at the top of her friend's head in mute confusion, waiting impatiently for her to continue. After a long pause, the only sound in the room was still Meredith's wracking sobs. So she probed carefully, "I don't understand. What are you talking about, Mer?"
But she received no answer. Meredith continued rambling on as if she were so caught up in her own thoughts that she hadn't even heard the question.
"You should have heard Zola screaming," She sniffled despondently. "She was too upset to even let go of Alex's hand."
With a murmur of sympathy, Cristina closed her eyes and exhaled deeply. She had already heard from Alex that the kids' visit had quickly devolved into unsalvageable chaos, but now as she listened to Meredith describing the emotional moment in painfully vivid detail, she felt as exhausted as if she had lived through it too. It hurt to just sit quietly when everything inside of her urged action. She was a surgeon, she thought in frustration; it was her job was to fix people. Even as she forced herself to be still and to hold space, her fingers twitched restlessly in her lap, aching to stitch Mer's broken heart back together as neatly as they did the damaged tissues of her patients hearts. But she had learned over the years- and not from lack of trying- that surgery can't fix emotions. So she didn't look up until she heard Meredith finally pause for breath. When she lifted her bowed head, she found Mer's defeated gaze trained on her face unsettlingly, but to her credit she only jumped a little,
"Cristina-" Meredith confessed hoarsely as soon as their eyes met, willing her friend to understand what she couldn't bring herself to say aloud. "Zola looked at me the same way I used to look at my own mother."
For a long moment, there was heavy silence between the two women. Meredith searched her face pleadingly, and Cristina knew that she was waiting for her to say something, anything, in response to her shame-filled admission; but all she could do was stare back at her in stunned disbelief at what she had just heard.
The implication that Mer was no better to her children than the cold, toxic woman who had birthed her was so completely absurd that, without warning, she found herself desperately fighting against an inappropriate urge to laugh out loud. Only the obvious pain and guilt carved into weary lines of grief that seemed to permanently mark her friend's furrowed forehead now stopped her. Impossibly, Cristina realized, Meredith really believed that she had somehow become everything she had spent her life trying to avoid. So unlike at George's funeral, when she had failed to suppress her hysterical laughter, this time she succeeded in biting her tongue viciously enough to maintain control.
"Meredith, come on." She said firmly, wincing at the metallic taste as blood slowly filled her mouth. "You can't be serious. You are not Ellis Grey."
The words were meant to be reassuring, but the incredulousness in her voice only seemed to move Meredith from grief to anger.
"You weren't here." She snapped, pulling suddenly out of Cristina's embrace to prop herself awkwardly up onto her good arm. "You didn't see what I saw. They were ALL terrified of me- even Ellie."
Meredith's gaze seemed to spit blue-hot flames, like it always did when she was this angry, and Cristina felt her own cheeks beginning to flush red in response. She wasn't Alex, she thought in exasperation. She had never been any good at absorbing the force of Mer's anger without erupting herself. For all the years that had passed, it seemed that was one thing that still hadn't changed.
"Well, of course they were terrified!" She heard herself retort. "Look around!" Gesturing vaguely at the sterile environment surrounding them, she continued bluntly, "I know you've come a long way over the past few months but think about how this looks from their perspectives. You're still covered in bruises, your jaw is wired shut, you're wearing two full casts and you can't sit up without the help of a thousand pillows! They're just kids, Mer." She sighed wearily, her sudden anger cooling as quickly as it had flared. "You have to cut them some slack. I promise they were afraid of the casts and the bruises and the metal in your mouth- not of you."
When she finished, Meredith glared at her with such trembling fury that Cristina half expected to be slapped, or at the very least shoved off the bed. But in the end, she only swallowed hard and dropped her fiery gaze to her shaking hands. Good, Cristina thought in surprised satisfaction, she had made her point. She should have stopped talking then; but letting herself had been a fatal mistake. After suppressing her fear and her worry and her guilt for so many months, she found that now it had grown too strong to hold back any longer.
"You know what everyone says about me." She laughed shakily, even as she blinked back burning tears. "I'm a robot. And I'm proud of my reputation for staying calm while everyone else freaks out, so I'll kill you if you mention this to anyone else. But," Swiping impatiently at the first renegade tear she had allowed to roll down her smooth cheek since she'd heard about the incident, Cristina took a deep breath and made a whispered confession of her own. "…you're my person, Mer. And I'm- I'm terrified too."
With those trembling words, any remaining resolve to be strong for her friend crumbled. And though Cristina knew she would probably curse herself for her weakness later, she couldn't help it. She dropped her head into her hands and finally allowed herself to dissolve into a blubbering puddle of pent- up grief- right there on the narrow mattress beside Meredith.
The bed began to shake beneath her with the force of Cristina's violent sobs, but for a moment Meredith was helpless to do anything more than stare at the other woman in wide- eyed panic. This was all her fault, she thought guiltily, as she tried but failed to remember the last time she had seen her friend so upset.
Hesitantly, she reached across the bed to cover one of Cristina's clenched fists with her hand, not sure what she should say or do to fix what she had unwittingly broken.
"I'm going to be ok, Cristina…" She eventually managed to murmur past the painful lump that swelled in her throat. "Really. The wires will come out soon and Callie cleared me to start physical therapy next week."
Cristina's wild curls bounced once as she bobbed her head in acknowledgment of Meredith's words, yet she only seemed to cry even harder. It was as if some internal dam had been broken, and the flood that had been released was now sweeping her away in its vengeful current. Nothing that Meredith did was successful in stopping the torrential flow, so finally, she stopped trying. Gingerly, she laid back down beside her friend and let silent tears of her own soak her pillowcase, until her eyes were red and puffy, and Cristina's sobs slowly began to subside into hiccups.
Into the awkward calm that followed, Cristina muttered self-consciously, "Sorry, I don't know what happened."
The slump of her narrow shoulders and her studious avoidance of Meredith's sympathetic gaze betrayed her overwhelming embarrassment; but as she watched Cristina wipe her dripping nose on her sleeve, Meredith just shook her head in quick dismissal of the apology. She was the one who should be embarrassed, she thought, disgusted by the sudden realization of her own selfishness. All she had been able to think about lately was how hard this ordeal had been on her, and how unfair it was to have to endure such a grueling recovery. Stupid! She scolded herself now. Why had she never considered how difficult it must be for the people that she loved to have no choice but to helplessly watch her suffer?
Rather than the burdening her, like Meredith could tell Cristina thought she had done, her blunt confession had been exactly the shock she had needed to pull her out of her spiraling depression. It had offered her some fresh perspective, and she was grateful. So she sniffled in belated response, "Don't be. You're my person too."
After that, the two friends talked so late into the night that Meredith didn't even realize she had fallen asleep until she woke the next morning to light and noise and laughter. Momentarily disoriented, she listened with her eyes shut to the murmured conversation swirling around her. Cristina was still there; she could feel her pressed carefully up against her side in the narrow bed. Her wet hair slapped Meredith's cheek coldly when she shifted against the pillows as she laughed with someone from across the room. It smelled like surgical soap; and that clue, combined with the competing smells of minty toothpaste and burnt, hospital coffee, told her that Cristina had already been up long enough to shower and visit the cafeteria.
Meredith's head pounded painfully from the lack of sleep, and with a loud groan to let her friend know how annoyed she was to be so rudely awakened, she burrowed even deeper into her pillows. But Cristina didn't take the hint.
"You up, Mer?" She chuckled in audible amusement, gently poking the bare shoulder that had slipped out from under her blankets.
"No." Meredith growled. Then a few moments later, when sleep refused to return, she admitted groggily, "Yes. What time is it?"
"After 11, sleepyhead." Came the soft reply.
Suddenly wide awake, Meredith's eyes flew open. The voice that offered the information she had asked for was much too deep to belong to Cristina. Alex. Squinting against the bright sunlight streaming in through her open window, she searched the room through a sleep- blurred vision until she found him, perched uncertainly on a chair by the open door.
There were nurses and orderlies rushing through the hallway behind him, many of them casting curious glances into her room as they passed, but Meredith hardly noticed. The hospital seemed to fade around her as she stared at Alex, until she could see was the little people that she loved most in the world, once again choosing his strong arms over her waiting embrace. She stiffened involuntarily at the memory, breathing shallowly through the sudden flash of pain that squeezed her chest.
She was being unreasonable, she told herself desperately. What Cristina had said last night made sense; so why couldn't she believe it?
She missed Alex more than she wanted to admit. But try as she might, she couldn't force herself to move on. She knew it was unfair because she had asked him to do exactly that; but an irrational part of her stubbornly blamed Alex for having been there for her children to cling to at all.
So she met the hopeful smile he offered her with an empty stare, ignoring the twinge of guilt that twisted uncomfortably in her gut when she noticed his Adam's apple bob with swallowed emotion. He held her gaze for a long moment, as if silently accepting the weight of the blame that she needed to place on him. Then he cleared his throat and stood up so abruptly that his chair would have clattered loudly to the tile floor if he hadn't caught it just in time.
Through the loud rushing that suddenly filled her ears, Meredith dimly heard Cristina's questioning voice call after Alex as he walked stiffly toward the door, but he didn't stop to respond. She could tell from the tension in his broad shoulders that her repeated rejection had hurt him deeply. And as she watched the man she loved stride down the crowded hallway without even looking back, she shivered with sudden regret, wondering if this time her insecurities had finally pushed their relationship over an edge that they wouldn't be able to find their way back from.
Cristina followed Meredith's ashen stare- watching until Alex's retreating back disappeared around a corner. The abrupt coldness between her friends had stolen her caffeine fueled mirth and was slowly replacing it with creeping concern. She had felt Meredith's body tense beside her at the sound of Alex's voice, and although he had tried to hide it, she hadn't missed how upset he had been by Mer's snub either. In fact, the whole interaction between the two of them confused her.
Meredith always pushed away the people the people she loved when she was hurting. It was obnoxious, yes, but putting up with that unhealthy coping habit was just part of loving Meredith Grey. It was nothing new, Cristina thought, perplexed; she and Alex had both been on the receiving end of an undeserved cold shoulder many times over the years. But Alex had never seemed as obviously wounded by Meredith's misguided anger as he had today. Not even when she had brutally frozen him out for weeks after he'd almost cost her Zola's adoption. And she might have been imagining it, but she couldn't help but wonder if the glare Mer had given him hadn't been lacking some of its usual venom too.
Thoughtfully taking another slow sip of her too- sweet coffee, Cristina turned to study her friend with fresh eyes. Meredith was still staring at the spot in the hallway where Alex had disappeared, shoulders slumped and eyes full of suppressed longing. Cristina had noticed the pining expression on her pale face as soon as she had walked through the door of Mer's room the night before, but up until this moment, she had assumed that Meredith was just missing her kids. Now, for the first time, she asked herself in dawning understanding if it was possible that Zola and Bailey and Ellis weren't the sole reason for her pain.
"Wow, Mer, that was cold." She teased. "Even for Medusa." Trying to mask her growing suspicions beneath friendly gossip, like old times, she kept her voice light as she asked, "What did Evil Spawn do this time?"
Meredith's only response was a sullen shrug, but Cristina understood that the motion meant "I don't want to talk about it" as plainly as if Mer had shouted the words out loud.
"Ok." She sighed. "That's on me for talking to you before you've had your coffee. "Here-" Gulping down one last hasty swallow of her latte, she pressed the half full cup into her friend's empty hand. "You need this more than I do."
Even sluggish from sleep, Meredith could tell when she was being teased; but coffee did sound good. Even the acrid aroma was enough to lighten her sour mood. So she decided to ignore Cristina's jokes and accept the peace offering. She even got to savor her first few sips in welcome silence, because her friend flopped back down onto the pillows beside her, seemingly lost in thought.
While she waited for caffeine to make Mer more approachable, Cristina let her mind wander back through the years. And the more that she thought, the less crazy her growing suspicions sounded. All of the teasing between Meredith and Alex that she had always taken as brother/sister stuff… had it really been sexual tension? When she examined her memories through the lens of romance, suddenly she saw her friends' relationship in a whole new light. The special sparkle that lit up Mer's eyes whenever Alex walked into a room, and how uncharacteristically affectionate he was toward her… It was love, Cristina thought incredulously. Finally, she understood why Meredith had always hated all of Alex's girlfriends so vehemently, even the good ones like Wilson; and why Alex was the only one who had ever been able to stop the night terrors that Mer refused to talk about. It was why she had kept him listed as her emergency contact, even after she'd married Derek, and why he had been so destroyed when she'd left after the funeral without saying goodbye.
It all made sense now, Cristina thought, turning to stare at Meredith with wide eyes. Her two best friends had been secretly falling in love for the last 10 years. It was shocking. It was unexpected… And it was the best news she could ever have imagined.
She was so caught up in her elated thoughts that she didn't realize she'd been staring at Meredith like an idiot for several minutes, until the other woman turned to raise an uncomfortable eyebrow in her direction.
"What?" She mumbled warily. "Why are you looking at me like that?"
It was none of her business, but in light of her new revelation, Cristina couldn't help herself.
"Because it's not fair." She blurted out softly. "What you're doing to Alex."
She felt a flash of joy when Meredith immediately turned bright pink at the mention of Alex's name, confirming that she had guessed the true nature of their relationship correctly. But rather than admitting her feelings, Meredith murmured stubbornly, "I don't know what you're talking about."
Cristina chuckled. She could be every bit as stubborn as Meredith Grey.
"Yes, you do." She pushed. "You're punishing him for something that's not even his fault."
"You don't understand." Meredith hissed indignantly. "The kids chose HIM. They chose him over me! He's taking my place!"
"Don't be an idiot." Cristina snapped. "No one could ever take your place- you're their mom!" Determinedly, she forced herself to hold the slicing glare that Meredith turned on her until, flustered, her friend finally dropped her gaze.
"I told you I didn't want to talk about this." She growled darkly.
"Well, too bad." Cristina retorted, but there was a gentleness in her voice that stole some of the harshness from her words. "Listen, do you even know what Alex has sacrificed for you? He turned his entire life upside down to be by your side for the past few months. And every spare second that he's not with you? He's at some park, or ice cream shop, or toy store- trying to make this whole mess a little less traumatic for the kids. Is it really such a bad thing if they feel safe with him?"
Meredith didn't answer the question. Tears ran silently down her cheeks, but she made no move to wipe them away. She just sat quietly, struggling to absorb the unexpected onslaught of Cristina's harsh honesty.
"Mer, I know." Cristina whispered softly after a few seconds had passed. "I know that you love him."
Meredith's head shot up in surprise and her eyes narrowed in accusation.
"What? Who told you that?" She demanded, but Cristina just grinned.
"Come on," She teased. "If you were trying to hide it you're doing a terrible job. Just talk to him. If he's still here after all these years, then I promise you there's nothing you can say that would scare him off now."
For a long while, Meredith was silent. Cristina forced herself to hold her ground, but the longer the moment stretched between them, the more she worried. Maybe somehow, she had been completely wrong. Or maybe she had been too blunt- after all, it had been a while since she had given a tough love speech. Maybe she was out of practice as Mer's person after spending so many years on the other side of the globe. For the second time in as many days she cursed herself inwardly. She was just about to stammer through an apology for misjudging the situation when Meredith finally lifted her tearful gaze from the stitching on the bedspread.
"You're right." She sniffed simply, and Cristina stifled a sigh of delighted relief.
"I'm just... I guess I'm scared." Meredith continued softly. "Derek died, and you moved halfway around the world, and I'm not speaking to Amelia anymore, and now the kids..." She trailed off shakily and though Cristina was confident she would make the same choice to move to Switzerland again if she had the chance to do it over, she still felt a sharp pang of guilt for having played any part in the pain that she could hear behind her best friend's words.
"Once you go back home, Alex is all I have left." Meredith whispered vulnerably. "What if he realizes how screwed up I am and runs?" She searched Cristina's face almost pleadingly. "I just don't think I could survive losing him too."
Cristina held Meredith's gaze soberly because she understood what her friend was implying. Everyone needed something to keep them grounded when life started to spin a little too fast; and for Mer, that had always been Alex. The wide blue eyes still staring straight through her seemed to say that if he let go, she was afraid she'd go spinning out into the atmosphere, far beyond reach of earth. Like she had that day in the cold water of the Sound. Like she had just a few months ago, here at Seattle Grace Mercy Death; when once again, Cristina had almost lost her forever without even the chance to say goodbye.
It was a frightening thought. But when Cristina spoke, there was no fear in her voice, only certainty.
"You won't lose him." She promised quietly. "Think about all of the crap you've already put him through. Mer, if Karev was going to be scared away by your crazy, he would have been long gone years ago."
Meredith twisted the blanket nervously between her fingers, wanting desperately to believe that Cristina was right, but unable to completely banish her fear.
"What if you're wrong?" She asked doubtfully. But Cristina just shrugged unconcernedly.
"I'm Cristina Yang," she replied. "I'm never wrong."
The only half-joking arrogance in Cristina's words drew a snort from Meredith in spite of herself. Some things never changed, she thought. But that realization was strangely comforting, and when Cristina smiled at her amusement in obvious relief, she managed to smile weakly back.
"Trust me, Mer." Cristina repeated more seriously. "Karev's not leaving. He loves you too."
Meredith felt her cheeks flush rosy- pink once again at Cristina's bluntness, even as a hopeful warmth began to spread slowly through her chest, slowly replacing the cold numbness that had been there ever since the kids' disastrous visit. Mutely, she nodded in shy acknowledgment of the truth in her friend's words, but Cristina refused to let her off the hook until she had received a verbal response.
"Come on." She prodded, reaching across the bed to once again poke Meredith persistently. "Alex has looked like a kicked puppy ever since I got here. It's pathetic. Promise me that you will talk to him."
"Fine," Meredith sighed quietly.
"Not good enough." Cristina insisted. "Let me hear you promise." Arching one elegant eyebrow, she crossed her slender arms determinedly across her chest, and Meredith knew that she wasn't getting out of this conversation until she complied.
"I promise!" She huffed in exasperation. "I will talk to Alex tonight."
Satisfied, Cristina nodded. Her eyes glowed with what looked like excitement, but when Meredith attempted to change the subject by asking about Switzerland, she played along. The more that they talked and laughed, the less she noticed the throbbing pain in her newly rewired jaw. It felt like the old days to be cuddled up in the same bed as Cristina, gossiping about people they used to know. It took her back to simpler times. So she asked question after question, until lunch had come and passed, and her still-healing throat finally began to feel too tired and sore to ignore any longer. Then suddenly, laughter burned like cheap tequila, and though she tried to conceal her grimace with a smile, Cristina saw right through her.
"Mer... how's the pain?" She asked in concern, switching in an instant from friend to surgeon again.
"It's fine." Meredith replied dismissively, but the hoarseness in her voice betrayed her.
Pushing herself up from the pillows, Cristina studied her friend through perceptive almond eyes.
"It's ok." She said quietly. "I can come back later if you need to rest. Do you want me to find a nurse and get you some pain medicine?"
No. Meredith thought obstinately. I don't need it. But without the distraction of the gossip, her throat felt like was on fire, and her ribs ached too- from all of the laughter. So eventually, she sighed.
"Yes." She admitted miserably.
Cristina was climbing out of the bed and was pulling on her shoes even before Meredith had a chance to finish the one syllable word. She flipped quickly through Meredith's chart, which was hanging from the end of her bed, then disappeared into the hallway, letting the door swing shut behind her.
In a few minutes, she returned. Holding a measured cup of clear liquid and a curved syringe, she paused awkwardly by the bed and stared at her friend's one working hand.
"It might be easier if I just do this." she offered tentatively after a moment of consideration. "Since you don't have an IV anymore."
Ignoring the hot flush of shame that colored her face, Meredith nodded her permission, then tried not to gag as Cristina squirted the foul tasting medication past her wires and down her throat with expert aim.
"I'm sorry," She muttered miserably when she had finished coughing and sputtering.
But now it was Cristina's turn to shake her head in dismissal of the unnecessary apology. "Don't be." She said simply, echoing Meredith's own words from the night before back to her. Then after a glance at her Iphone, she abruptly changed the subject.
"Hey, it's almost three." She said eagerly. "Do you think the kids will be home from school by now?"
Meredith nodded in response, grateful to talk about anything else. Cristina tried to sound nonchalant, but her shining eyes gave away her excitement. For all of her emphatic insistence that she was no good with children, Meredith thought wryly, Cristina had been obsessed with the Grey- Shepherd kids from the first moment Meredith had told her that she and Derek were adopting Zola. Ever since then, the kids had called her their 'Auntie Cris', and it seem like, after surgery, she had made it her greatest purpose in life to spoil them rotten.
So, hiding a knowing smile, Meredith said softly, "Zola and Bailey should be home in half an hour. And I think Ellie is here- upstairs in the daycare."
"Great." Cristina grinned at her widely before turning to gather her bags with a grunt of effort. Her suitcase looked suspiciously heavy for someone who prided herself on travelling light, Meredith thought in amusement. It was probably full of Swiss chocolate, which she would definitely not make the kids wait to eat until after dinner. Either that, or all of the dangerous lab equipment for Zola that she had been able to sneak past TSA.
Who had the kids today? Meredith wondered as she watched Cristina rush out of the room without remembering to say goodbye. Maggie? Should she call and warn her sister that their kitchen was about to be turned into a skills lab? She could just picture Cristina proudly introducing Zola to a bunsen burner right there on the granite countertop that Maggie was so fiercely protective over.
She chuckled to herself at the thought and jumped a little at how loud the soft sound seemed in the sudden quiet of Cristina's absence. She could feel the effects of the Tylenol with codeine that she had taken beginning to slowly slip over her, dulling the sharpness of her pain to a manageable ache. And she wasn't sure whether to credit the medication or Cristina's reassurances, but although she was once again alone with her thoughts, this time they didn't seem nearly so frightening.
It was an usually quiet afternoon on her floor; even the endless stream of traffic on the freeway outside her window seemed distant and subdued. As she watched the cars rush past, the medication lulled Meredith into a dreamy half-dose, and she let it, glad for a chance to rest after the emotional morning.
It could have been hours or only minutes later when a quiet cough roused her from the 'rest' that must have eventually deepened into sleep. This was one more frustration that she couldn't wait to be rid of, Meredith thought to herself; this feeling of aimlessness, of never knowing what day or what time it was. She missed alarm clocks and appointments and calendars- she wanted a sense of purpose in her existence again.
Sighing deeply, she filed her depressing thoughts carefully away for later, to brood over in privacy the next time she was alone. Then, forcing a smile, she opened her eyes to see who had come to visit her while she was asleep. But when she realized that, for the second time that day, she was staring up into Alex's eyes, that smile wavered a little.
He was perched hesitantly on the edge of her bed, muscles tensed as if ready to stand and leave at the slightest indication that she was uncomfortable with his proximity. His expression was guilty, like a child caught with his hand in the cookie jar. He didn't say anything at first, but it didn't matter. Meredith could see in his eyes the pain it was causing him to give her the space she'd been demanding.
They held each other's gaze for a long minute, while Meredith tried to gather her courage in preparation for the conversation she had promised Cristina she would have. But before she could decide what to say, Alex beat her to it.
"I'm sorry." He mumbled softly, wrongly perceiving her silence to be displeasure. "I didn't mean to wake you. I just needed..." His voice cracked as one calloused hand reached impulsively out to run lightly over her hair, as if independent of the rest of his carefully controlled body. His fingers lingered among the tangled ends for just a moment, long enough to send shivers of longing down Meredith's spine. She closed her eyes and savored his touch, a little moan of desire escaping her chapped lips before she could stop it. Then long before she was ready, the tender moment ended. Alex let his hand fall reluctantly back to his side and abruptly stood up from his seat on the bed.
"I'm sorry." He said again, the words formal and hollow this time. "I'll go."
He turned on his heel and was nearly at the door when Meredith found her voice.
"Alex wait-" She called after him. Her voice was muffled and raspy, both from sleep and lingering pain, but it was enough. He had heard her. Meredith watched nervously as Alex froze at her words, staring at the fabric of his shirt where it pulled tight between muscular shoulder blades.
After how she had been treating him since yesterday, she wouldn't blame him if he ignored her and kept walking down the hallway. But just as she began to brace herself for the abandonment that she deserved, Alex turned slowly around and began to walk back toward her, instead of away. When he reached the bed, he stood silently in front of her, hopeful and hesitant, until she begged softly,
"Please, sit back down?"
"Ok." He agreed quietly, moving to do what she had asked. But this time, rather than the intimacy of the bed, he chose the safe distance of a visitor's chair. They sat in uncomfortable silence while Meredith breathed deeply, fighting back stinging tears of frustration at her inability to force the words in her heart to come out of her parted lips. She owed him an explanation. But before she could say anything, Alex, who had done nothing but be supportive, was once again apologizing to HER.
"Mer, I'm so sorry about yesterday." He said, his words tumbling over each other as though he'd only been waiting for the opportunity to let them out. "The kids- it was all my fault. I had them draw pictures and write letters and all sorts of mushy crap, but I should have prepared them better for what it would be like to see you like this. I'm such an idiot."
Alex took a deep breath, as if preparing to continue, but Meredith interrupted him.
"Stop." She commanded wearily, reaching out to take his hand in hers. "Just- stop talking, Alex. It was no one's fault that the kids freaked out. You didn't do anything wrong."
He sighed shakily, but the relief that flooded across his features at hearing that she didn't blame him only made Meredith feel worse.
"Actually," She mumbled ashamedly, "You've done everything right. I'm the one who needs to apologize."
"No, Mer." Alex started to comfort her with some lie about her innocence, but she didn't want comfort. For once, she wanted to take ownership of her own damn baggage.
"Yes, Alex- Let me finish!" She snapped. "Zola looked at me just like I used to look at my own mother. So I blamed you, even though it wasn't fair... because facing the alternative was too painful."
Meredith whispered the last part of her confession reluctantly to her lap, suddenly unable to meet Alex's sympathetic gaze anymore.
"Ellis Grey..." She admitted tearfully. "Was a monster. And I think the only thing I wanted less than to become her... was for you to see it."
Alex was silent for so long that Meredith began to wonder if he had heard her. But when she chanced a fearful glance up at his expression, she was surprised to find tears silently spilling down his face, disappearing into the shadows of his two day stubble.
As soon as she met his eyes, he reached out to capture her face between both of his hands, his touch much more gentle than the intensity that vibrated in his voice.
"Didn't you think I would understand how bad crazy moms can screw a person up?" He asked softly, refusing to let her turn away from him in shame. "I get it, Mer." He continued shakily. "All of it. The pain, the loneliness, the paralyzing fear that you're so messed up yourself that anyone you touch will be poisoned too..."
There was trauma hiding behind his words; she could feel it even in the trembling warmth of his rough palms against her cheeks and Meredith cursed herself silently. How could she have forgotten? She wasn't the only one who'd barely survived a crappy childhood.
"Alex.." she murmured, her stomach twisting with pain again- for him now, instead of herself.
But he brushed past her offered sympathy, to repeat with reassuring certainty, "I get it. But it's not true, Mer, ok? You are a damn good mom; and you have to know that those kids think you hung the stars."
He didn't seem to realize that he was still crying. Meredith was too, but these were healing tears. They streamed hot down her face and over Alex's hands like cleansing rain. And he must have understood; because he made no attempt to wipe them away.
"I mean it," he said earnestly. "You're not your past."
His face was mere centimeters from her own now. After so many excruciating hours apart, Meredith could no longer deny herself her need for him. She surged forward to bridge the remaining distance between their lips and kissed him with all of the strength of the desperation and longing and healing and pain colliding in her chest. The kiss tasted of salty tears and bitter blood from where her carelessness had caused one of her sharp new wires to pierce her mouth, but Meredith didn't care. When they finally came up for air she was flushed and sweating and satisfied. Alex grinned at her dazedly, and it seemed suddenly crazy that she had ever feared he would leave her. Now, as she stared into his soft brown eyes, she saw the truth.
"You're not your past either, Alex Karev." She whispered breathlessly. "You're my future."