Part 1 of the Chapter is up .
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...
Derek's night passed in a haze.
His sleep was troubled and not because of Michael.
He had tossed and turned, his mind unable to stop and rest, the insurance allegations very loud in his head.
He had laid in the bed silently, pinching his nose, rubbing his forehead, listening to his wife's quite snoring.
Their son had whimpered around 4 'clock, like on schedule and he had been ready to feed him.
Michael had fallen asleep immediately and Derek had stayed there, his hands on the crib, watching him.
He had felt a guardian angel, even if Meredith would have called that stalking.
But there was something hypnotizing in his son sleeping and he stayed there, in boxers and a worn out t-shirt, contemplating his and his wife's masterpiece, a smile on his face.
Michael's little hands were closed in fists and his arms were stretched over his head.
The position of maximum relax or post milk high.
His tiny lips were twitching upwards and Derek was eating the little dimple on his chin.
He touched his son's feet lightly, just in need to feel a contact. His thumb ran on the tiny calf, mesmerized of how little, soft and perfect it felt.
Derek took a deep breath, feeling his eyes moisten.
Mark and Cristina would tease him forever if they suspected he spent the night crying on the perfection of his mini Shepherd. His sisters would too.
Screw them all. He had spent the quietest twenty minutes of the night and nothing could change that.
He took a deep breath and checked the clock on the wall, rubbing his neck tiredly.
It was too soon to go for a walk, the sky was still dark.
He decided to take a shower and stretch his legs later, before breakfast.
Michael usually slept for an hour after his night meal and he had time to refresh, wake up definitely and be back.
He sent a last loving glance to the crib and grabbed the baby monitor, taking it into the guest bathroom.
Waking up his wife was the last thing he wanted to do and he had taken the habit to shower in another room.
He opened the water and stepped under the spray, letting the flow invest his face for a long time.
He knew he needed to be relaxed and alert for the interview. He should have probably accepted Meredith's suggestion to take something to ease sleep. But he had refused and now he was going to face one of the most important meetings of his life and career tired and wakeful. He hoped a warm shower could ease the tension in his muscles, clean his mind.
He took the shampoo from the shelf and reversed a good amount on his palm.
Derek messaged his scalp with energy, lingering on his nape and neck.
He rinsed his forehead carefully: last thing he needed was soap in the eyes to add bloodshot eyes to his appearance. He quickly passed the sponge on his body, feeling a new calm coming with freshness.
Derek shivered when he opened the warm cocoon of the shower box to grab the towel he had left out.
He quickly wrapped it around his hips and stepped out, drying his hair with another garment.
A thick fog had covered the mirror and he unravelled it.
Fortunately he didn't need to shave, he just put some of his cologne on his cheeks.
He styled his hair quickly, knowing he would need to do it better after his walk.
He marched quickly into his son's room, smiling when he was met by two perky blue eyes.
"Good morning" he cooed, brushing Michael's nose smiling.
The baby gurgled happily, his feet moving under the sheet.
"Let me get dressed and we'll go have a walk together"
Derek felt a little bit stupid as he discovered himself waiting for an answer.
Michaels was just a few days old but, strangely, he looked already able to pick up his and Meredith's moods. He had understood Derek meant sunrise strolls and trips to the lake, so when he whimpered smiling Derek took it as an excited agreement.
"Alright" he chuckled, tossing a t-shirt on.
He had prepared his clothes there and got dressed top speed.
He wore his sneakers and lifted Michael from the crib, kissing his cheek sweetly. A pungent stink got to Derek's nose and he grimaced.
"I'm not the only one in a need of a change here, man" he whispered, switching off the baby monitor and proceeding to the changing table. He placed his son on the soft pillow and turned on the music box.
The bees started to dance in circles, capturing Michael's attention immediately.
Derek smiled, taking a clean diaper out of the diaper bag.
"Your aunt Nancy was right about this one" he muttered smiling, opening the jumpsuit mini Shepherd wore at night. The baby has stretching his hands, probably trying to reach the objects circling over his head.
"Let's not tell her, though… your aunt is already too full of herself" he added, opening the diaper and grimacing at the content. He threw it in the bin, trying to hold his breath. He felt Michael wriggle under his palm and focused back on him.
"Hold still, little boy…" he said patting his belly, proceeding to clean him with a perfumed nap, lifting him from his heels. "Your dad was a sneaker at your age. Apparently I fell from every possible surface, scaring the crap out of your grandmother" he chuckled, adjusting a new diaper under his son. He poured baby powder on his hands and putted his son's butt, amused feeling his squirm. He quickly closed the diaper and dressed Michael with a new, warmer jumper.
"We are ready, buddy" he smiled, lifting him and proceeding downstairs.
His jacket was hanging near the door and the baby suit and walker were close.
"Daddy is going to have a very strong coffee and then we are set, ok?" he kissed his son again, it was almost an addiction. Feeling that chubby cheek under his lips was like a drug. He turned on the boiler and set a mug on the counter. Michael was looking at him quietly, his hand exploring Derek's face. Shepherd enjoyed the contact, swaying on his legs to keep moving. His son loved action and he did not want him to cry and possibly wake Meredith. The boiler whistled and Derek proceeded to drink his coffee quickly, feeling a new level of awareness kicking in.
"Now your old man got his pick me up we're ready" he smiled, laying Michael on the couch. He put him in the baby suit, smiling when his son protested.
"Sorry but you need to be well bundled, buddy. Mommy already hates I bring you out when the sun is not up yet. You don't want her to go at me if you get a cold" he chuckled, raising his son. He slipped him in the walker and opened the door, shivering when the crisp air invested them.
"All bundled up this morning" he smiled, covering Michael's chin.
He took the trail to the cliff, admiring his land in this beautiful morning.
There was utter silence, the only noises Derek's wheezing and Michael's squeaks.
Shepherd took quick glances at his son, each one bringing a smile to his face.
He got to the panoramic view over the bay and stilled, trying to freeze the sight and the peace he was feeling in his heart.
For the first time, his mind wandered to what was waiting for him and the possible consequences on him, his family, his career.
Derek had never stopped contemplating a negative outcome but now, in his land, holding a person who totally depended on him, his mind drifted to the worst.
What if he had really let his ego overtake everything this time? What if he had really tried to play God? What if the FDA agreed with the report?
Derek knew Amelia Fane had not believed the trial box Richard had handled her.
He knew he had screwed up big time and disappointed a lot of people. He knew many had expected honesty from him and he hadn't been able to utter a word in his defence.
All his professional life depended on people who had no reason to trust him.
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He blinked them open when Michael's gloved hand brushed his cheek.
Their eyes, so similar, so alike, locked.
What was Derek going to tell his son in ten years if his career ended today?
What would he think of him?
Fathers were supposed to protect their kids, to ensure them the best possible future.
Shepherd had pushed everything he had, everything he was on a line.
Maybe Long was right, it was also about arrogant pride.
Michael would grow up with a stay-at-home dad, former surgical rock star betrayed by his ego.
A shame.
"I love you, Michael" he whispered, chocking up when his fears caught up with him.
"I want you to know that I love you and I'd do everything for you" he smiled, feeling the wind cold on his tears "someday you will understand that life is complicated and we have to fight for what we believe in" he sniffled "and we can lose, you know" he said with a sad smile "we all want to think we will always win but sometimes we don't… and losing is one of the hardest things to learn" he ended, his cheek against his son's.
Three hours later Derek opened his office snorting.
He fought the instinct to rake a hand in his hair and ruin what Meredith had helped to style.
He chuckled, remembering the moment.
"Hey" Meredith said quietly from the door, her arms crossed across her chest, locking eyes with Derek through the mirror.
"Hey" he smiled back, working on the knot of his tie. He noticed her gaze, feeling his body warming up. He was wearing dress pants and had chosen a blue shirt. "I followed your advice" he smirked, lifting the lapel of the dark blue tie he had chosen for the day.
"The best advice" she smiled, approaching her husband. Her hand landed on his shoulder and then slipped down, massaging his back "it's a win win combination" she joked, sobering up when Derek's smile disappeared from his lips immediately.
"We'll see" he stuttered, taking a deep breath, his eyes down.
"Michael is out cold" she giggled, soothing his lower back, trying to change subject.
"We had a nice walk" Derek smiled to her and this time the smile lit up his eyes "but I did all the job" he chuckled, finishing to adjust his tie "I guess being wrapped in that suit you got him is exhausting" he sent her an amused look when she giggled loudly.
"Burrito baby" she said spinning him so that they were face to face. Her hand went to his cheek and Derek kissed her palm.
"At least he is safe in there" Derek smirked.
"Did he try to roll off the changing table again?" she laughed, rubbing her thumb on his face.
"Always" he rolled his eyes when she giggled.
"So blue eyes, dimples and jumping off cliffs on your side" she raised a brow suggestively. She bit her lip when his face sobered up and she read discomfort in his orbs.
"I hope this surgery is not my last cliff, Mer" he whispered, diverting his eyes and turning towards the mirror.
A thick silence fell in the room while Derek adjusted his cuff links.
"Have you heard from Peter?" she asked, leaning against the wall to watch him. He nodded, taking a deep breath.
"We are meeting at Grace around nine" he sighed, not giving his wife much. He realized his cut sentences were not great information and gave her a small smile "He is a drama queen and just texted me. I don't know anything yet, Mer" he smiled, taking the jacket she was offering him.
"Could you get some sleep?" Meredith asked softly, watching him strictly as he wore the last piece of his outfit. His eyes were answering on his behalf but she waited for an answer anyway.
"Not much" he admitted, turning around. "Does it show?" he asked hopeful, relaxing when she smiled. Her hands flattened the shirt on his chest and adjusted the lapels of his jacket.
"Your morning walks have regenerating effects" she smiled, eyeing him carefully. "But you should have dried your hair" she smiled, moving her fingers into his curls.
"I forgot you are obsessed with it" Derek smiled, relaxing feeling her fingers closing behind his neck. Meredith ate his features, her hands adjusting rebel curls.
"I just love to do your coif and add to your natural style" she smiled, adjusting hair here and there. "Not so bad" she smiled, rubbing her thumbs on his cheeks. "Just don't rake your hands in it one hundred times as you usually do" she smirked, having Derek roll his eyes.
"Is this what the gloves are for?" he asked amused, raising his brows.
"Which gloves?"
"The gloves you put on that poor baby every day" Derek added, putting his wrist watch on. Realization painted on Meredith's face and she burst out laughing. "What?" he asked puzzled.
"Your mum sent those to help with something else your son took from you" she said amused, crossing her arms across her chest.
"I'm kind of scared to ask what that is" Derek replied, watching his wife through the mirror.
"Scratching his face" she said simply, rolling her eyes at his surprised look "Nails, Derek" she pointed out "Newborns have long nails and they scratch their face. Your mum told me you almost ruined yourself at one week. She found you bloody in your crib and assumed the cat had jumped in with you" she giggled, showing him her tongue. He chuckled, shaking his head.
"Maybe my mom coming to visit is not the best idea" he smiled, sending her a quick look "I kept her in line until I was chasing you but now she will open the whole black book" he smirked, feeling tenderness fill his heart.
"His baby boy has a baby boy" Meredith cooed, mocking him "we lost her, Derek"
He turned around and took her face in his hands, smiling.
His blue piercing eyes bored into hers, his thumb caressing her face.
"It means so much for her, Mer" he said softly. "There is a new Shepherd who will bring on the household" his voice was quiet, his eyes filled with emotion "Michael Derek Shepherd" Meredith felt her eyes moisten too "this is the greatest gift you could make her, Mer… to my mom, me, my whole family" he finished. Derek really hoped his eyes could tell her more than his words.
She smiled, unable to say anything and Derek leaned in for a kiss.
Their lips met, shy at first. Then Derek deepened the contact, opening his mouth and letting his tongue brush his wife's lips. A little moan escaped her and her hands circled his shoulders, bringing him closer. Before she could realize, her fingers were running through his hair.
"It's not my fault this time" Derek smirked, tilting his head to the side once they parted.
"You're still perfect" she mused, loving the feeling of his hair beneath her touch. Their eyes locked and Meredith read mixed feelings in her husband's ocean gaze.
Love, devotion, unsaid fears.
Her hands caressed his cheeks and then moved down to his neck and rested finally on his chest.
"It will be fine" she whispered, his lips twitching.
"I love you"
Meredith shivered sensing the vulnerability in Derek's voice. She gave him a small smile and he quickly kissed her cheek, rounding her and going to the door.
She grabbed his hand when he was almost out, making him turn on his heels.
"I love you too… we love you too" she said firmly "and we will be at the hospital to support you"
...
Derek dropped his car keys on the desk and removed his jacket, hanging it on the backrest of his leather chair.
He quickly checked his wrist watch, snorting realizing it was still soon.
He sat, taking a deep breath and opening Harris' dossier.
He started reading what he had written for the nth time. Medicine usually helped his nerves relaxing.
"Last minute refreshers are for lame students" Peter's voice sounded from the door.
Derek lifted his eyes and smiled, his back relaxing against the chair.
"You said the same thing before my intern test when you caught Mark and I in the stairwell…" he chuckled, closing the folder.
"I see things did not change though" he muttered sitting down, leaning the dossier Derek had given him on the table.
Shepherd watched the folder and then his eyes moved to Peter, their gaze meeting.
"So?" he asked, unable to read his friend's expression.
Fletcher was looking at him head on, snapping his fingers.
Seconds stretched, the room silent with the exception of the rhythmic noise.
"Peter…" Derek prodded him.
"If the case were mine I'd go home with a scalp" he said, a cold edge in his voice.
"What do you mean?" Derek asked, his brows arching quizzically.
"If you really can do what you assess you can do, Harper Avery will be yours for the next ten years" Fletcher added, trying to read Derek's demeanor "but if you let that snake poison you with his venom, you'll end up be a librarian" he finished, his fingers tapping on his thigh.
"What's this supposed to mean?" Derek asked curtly, swallowing.
"It means that Long made his job very well and my guess is that someone fed him juicy information on you" Peter suggested, never breaking eye contact. "Ideas on whom?" he asked, his eyes nailed on Derek.
"I don't see the point in what you are implying" Derek said after a short silence.
"You don't?" Peter laughed pitilessly, making Derek shiver "how does he know about your guilt? Your losses? The trial?" he asked in disbelief. "Jesus, Derek. Wake up for God's sake!" he snapped, standing and pacing in the room.
"Peter…" Derek started but was cut off.
"This is going to get as personal as it can be" he interrupted "there is nothing medical to deny you surgery, nothing ethical in what the insurance wants to do. But they do know things and you need to be ready to react if attacked"
"Of course I will react" he retorted, backing against the chair. "I just don't want to turn this into a fist fight"
"It's already a fist fight and that guy will repeatedly hit you below the belt, don't you get that?" Peter asked, opening his arms.
"So what are you suggesting?" Derek snapped, slamming his palm on the desk.
"I want you to be ready, Derek" Fletcher said simply sitting in front of him.
"I am ready" he spat, their eyes locking.
"You are not. The insurance fired guns, they are ready to knock you down and you're going there offering flowers. They did find a big throat and you are not ready to treat them with their same medicine"
Derek stood, snorting, rubbing his eyes tiredly.
"I have never done this shit, Peter" he said shaking his head, leaning against the wall. "Who do you think they got?" he asked, opening his arms in surrender.
"You're so dumb sometimes" he hissed, shaking his head in disbelief. "Amy told me I was the dumb ass when we visited but it took me three pages to understand someone is very eager to ruin you" Fletcher leaned in his seat, his elbows on Derek's desk "someone who wanted to take your place, in every field of your life" he said firmly. For a moment he thought Derek was going to answer shocked and surprised, but Peter saw realization and disbelief painting on his face "I see hinting to your bed got something out of you" he mocked.
"I…" Derek started, shaking his head. "This is crazy" he ended, finally raking a hand through his hair. He started pacing in the room but Peter got they were on the same page now.
"Crazy?" he chuckled "you should have told me you punched Brad and got him in therapy for PSTD"
"What?" Derek turned around in disbelief "PSTD? I just knocked him down, nothing in compare to what I'd do now or I should have done back then" he snapped, trying to keep his temper in check. "That useless son of a bitch" he snorted, his fist connecting to the wall.
"Yes. Go on… break your hand… just what you need" Peter rolled his eyes and Derek fought the urge to bury him in anger.
"What is it that you want?" he breathed out, his hands on his hips.
"Good… let's go back to square one" he rolled his eyes, waving his hand to Derek in disbelief "I want you to be ready to react if attacked" he repeated, his eyes boring into Derek's.
"I'm the fucking ready" Derek almost yelled, his eyes flashing "even if Brad helped framing me, I am ready to stand my ground" he said firmly.
"They will push your buttons" Peter said standing up, facing him, his voice softer.
"I know" Derek swallowed, closing his arms on his chest.
"Dig up Clark, rehab, even my surgery" he challenged.
"That was a success even if I regret saving a pain in the ass as you are" he retorted arrogantly.
"Adele's and your wife's name can come out today Derek" Fletcher told him deadly serious.
"Would that change anything for them?" he asked "can the FDA eventually use this information to go back at Meredith or Richard?"
"No" Peter answered swiftly "they are judging different stuff and they can not use information to reopen old files if nobody resorted against them"
"Good" Derek breathed out, holding his gaze.
"Be ready, Derek"
The neurosurgeon rolled his eyes.
"I don't understand what you want me to do, Peter" he admitted honestly. "Should I yell? Hit my fists on the desk? What is it that would impress a heartless bastard as you were?" he finished, his eyes blazing.
Peter took a step towards him, never breaking eye contact.
"I'd want to face a doctor with two balls the size of America" he crocked, raising a hand to silence his former student. "A guy who knows his limits, his mistakes but is stronger than all this shit" he put a hand on Derek's shoulder "a man that does not break under accusations, as hard and unfair as they can be"
"You were suggesting me to get ready to dirty fighting" he said almost exasperated.
"No, I did not say that…" Peter denied, his eyes filled with determination "I told you to be ready to react as every time we did speak about your attack you wore that guilty puppy eye look. Every time we did speak during your trial you were a wreck. Richard told me about the trial mess, Adele slapping you. Long will cut you to pieces if you let him. You need to know where the hits are coming from and you were clueless about Brad" he finished, much gentler. Derek nodded, closing his eyes briefly, taking a deep breath.
"I was…" he admitted "I guess I was too shocked to read all that slanderous stuff to think straight and I appreciate you doing it for me" he breathed out, trying to calm himself "but my eyes are open now. I know I will have to take hits, but my mind is also clear now on all the things you mentioned" he paused, his eyes boring into his friend's "I won't be a pussy. I'll be the doctor you got me to be"
Peter's lips twitched upwards.
"Compassionate… determined… fearless… innovative… human… handsome" he chimed, eliciting a new eye roll in his former student.
Derek chuckled, turning around the desk and grabbing his jacket. He wore it quickly, adjusting it.
"How do I look?" he smirked, fixing the front button.
"Not so bad, but I'm something else" he grinned.
"Keep saying yourself that" Derek joked, patting Peter's shoulder on his way to the door.
"You got this, Derek" he said softly before the neurosurgeon could leave. "Bring me two scalps"
Peter ushered Derek and then stood in the doorframe, watching him getting on the elevator and disappear behind the doors. He sank his hands in his pockets sighing.
"Is he ready?" Richard's deep and rich voice asked. Fletcher raised his eyes and saw his former colleague in front of him.
"Honestly I don't know" he said, biting his lower lip, pinching his nose.
"Did you shake him up?" he asked, arching his brows. Peter chuckled, locking eyes with him.
"You know most times I shake stuff up I end up holding it in my hands" he muttered, closing his arms across his chest "I tried to bring some sense into him and to open his eyes"
"Derek is strong, Peter" Webber said firmly "Every time I think he's drowning he resurfaces stronger than ever. He's arrogant, stubborn and has a god damned hero complex"
"Yes, not really the qualities he needs to resurface this time" he told Richard, sighing seeing his puzzled expression "He needs to remember why he got into this job. If he tries to impress Roberts with his palmares, he'll go down"
"Derek is a great doctor… nobody can really doubt that" Richard said, irritated when Peter chuckled.
"Everything got him doubting that" he almost snapped, meeting Webber's concerned stare "he tried to put his confidence back together with the trial and you and Meredith smashed it. You backed him into a corner a million times and he is not the guy he was a year ago"
"Fletcher…" Richard tried to reason but he got interrupted immediately.
"No, Richard" he was cut short "I don't blame you for what happened. I was in the business for too long to blame you on Adele. But if you don't understand what all this did to Derek…" he paused, showing a sheer emotion Richard hadn't seen in a long time "then you don't know him" he finished, clearly triggering his response.
"I know what all this did to him" he snapped, looking him straight in the eyes "I've been watching him struggling to stand back all along this hellish year"
"You did" Peter nodded, taking a deep breath "but at some point you thought he was back in one piece and you started doing your job all over again…" Webber shook his head but Peter continued "he was constantly on his knees… every time he tried to stand someone else forced him down. His personal life, his profession, you…" he swallowed, shaking his head "he's still on his knees and now either he'll stand or he'll get the final blow" he finished, his eyes lowering on the floor, waiting for Richard's reaction.
The department was busting with action, doctors going up and down the corridors. Voices and noises all around. Nobody seemed to pay attention to the two old colleagues.
"How long have you brooding this?" Richard asked, arching his brow. There wasn't hurt in his voice, not even anger, just curiosity.
"I don't brood, you should know better" he said rolling his eyes "I just read that fucking report overnight and Derek needed to go in there ready to fight not to offer his throat" he shook his head, chuckling.
"Derek is one hell of a surgeon, Peter" Richard said quietly meeting his gaze "I know a lot of things shook the ground under his feet, but at the end of the day he is a great doctor and an honest guy" his voice cracked at the end and Peter looked to him "it was good you helped him to understand what he needed to do… that he has to walk head up no matter what that insipid bastard will throw at him… you said it yourself…" he said regretful "I lost that power and right some time ago" he took a deep breath, giving Peter a small smile "I'll be on the floor if you need anything" he added, patting Peter's shoulder and walking away.
It was the second person Fletcher watched walking away.
The same posture, the same step, the same attitude.
His phone rang and he smiled reading his wife's name on the screen.
"Hey, lady" he said cheerfully, opening the conversation. "Derek's audition is now. Sure, I'll let you know… I don't think I will catch tonight's flight… I need to know how this ends and there is still something I need to fix" he rolled his eyes hearing his wife's rant "Amy… I know what I'm doing. I'm dealing with five years old and I will treat them as such. Don't worry".
He closed the conversation and sighed, looking at his watch and going back into Derek's office waiting.
Derek had reached the floor and was waiting in the corridor to be called.
He was rubbing his hands nervously eyeing the conference room.
It was the same he had met Gary Clark and his lawyers for their lawsuit. It surely did not bring good memories.
He knew there were papers to fix before his audition, documents to check and paperworks to sign.
Lauren had explained him the process and told him not to worry if he had to wait.
Derek was glad Michelle Dawson hadn't showed up.
He had met her gaze from across the hallway. The conference room was the same floor Harris was staying and she was probably getting a coffee. He had seen her freezing, her mouth opening and closing as if she wanted to say something. He had given her a small smile before fixing his tie and walking to his destination.
This day was deciding more than one future and the neurosurgeon remembered Owen's words pretty well.
He closed his eyes, rubbing them tiredly, trying to gather his thoughts and compress his emotions.
He wondered if Meredith was already in the hospital with Michael, he wondered how much more he would have to wait.
His heart felt like a hammer against his ribs and he took a deep breath.
For a moment he felt like suffocating, sweat appearing on his brow.
He was on the verge of a panic attack and he didn't understand the reason.
He breathed out, stretching his legs and leaning against the backrest, his eyes closed.
A hand patted his shoulder and he opened his eyes, blinking rapidly. He focused on a very elegant chief Hunt.
"Chief…" he said surprised, watching him sitting in the adjoining chair.
"Are you ok?" Owen asked, adjusting his jacket snorting.
"As better as I can be" he breathed out, his eyes darting to the door. He felt Owen moving besides him and chuckled. It was clear Owen hated to stay put and in a formal suit. "I didn't know you would be here" he offered, giving Hunt a small smile.
"Of course I'm here" he laughed "I'm the chief of surgery and they are inquiring my golden goose"
Derek reciprocated the smile and patted his thigh.
"Thanks" he said simply, crossing his arms across his chest.
Owen got it was not the moment to press conversation and just nodded, mimicking Derek's posture.
After some minute the door opened and Lauren Smile appeared on the doorframe, immediately spotting them both.
"Doctors…" she greeted, giving them a small smile "we are ready if you want to come in"
...
What do you expect ?