2012 edit: This is meant to be taken lightly. It's a satirical story... different than the type of stuff you usually read around here.
I was messing when I started it a year ago; I've only now considered continuing it.

Enjoy :)

Another year in the same high school, in the same little town of Forks. First days pissed me off, almost as much as the thought of another year. At least it would be my final one.

Until then: fuck you, school.

First period Art class – hooray! Then bio, then math, then piece-of-boring-shit English.

I dragged myself through every period, trying to avoid as much conversation as I could. Lunch? Sat with Coop, per usual; and nobody else. I spent more time watching the clock than breathing during all my classes. This would be my day for the next 4 months.

Awesome.

English class. Taught by Mr. Cheer; but alas, names can be deceiving. He was a short, angry man, with a moustache that he's been growing forever. I call him Fatty.

I settled in for the boringness at the back of the class. Fatty started talking about books.

The door opened and I froze. In walked a tiny Alice Cullen, handing Fatty a piece of paper and then scanning the room for seats – the only one was beside me.

Breathe, Bella.

Breathe, breathe, breathe.

Why was my chest malfunctioning? Because my brain wasn't sending signals to the right places at the moment – it was too busy sending signals in between my legs. I've had a crush on this girl since probably before birth. Hottest. Girl. In. Forks. Sittingbesideme.

I like it.

The little pixie hopped into her seat and suddenly the chair turned into a sexy chair. She smiled sweetly at me. "I'm Alice," she said in her too-cute-for-me-to-handle angel voice.

I already know your name. I already know who you are because I fucking watch you in the cafeteria every day and daydream about you at night and I kind of want to fuck you silly 24/7.

"I think I've seen you around." I said, cooly. Except I wasn't cool. I was actually getting very hot right now, and only in terms of temperature. "I'm Bella."

"Bella," she repeated, seeming to muse. "Your name rolls off the tongue nicely."

I was thinking about something else that would roll off her tongue nicely and I-

"Bella! Stop disrupting the class." Barked Fatty.

I rolled my eyes and pretended to write down the notes he was putting onto the board. I stole a look to my left, and Alice Cullen was still watching me with those golden eyes. I fake coughed into my hand and shifted my eyes around, unsure of why she was watching me.

"You have an interesting disposition." She said, then opened her books and started copying down the note as well.

Interesting disposition?

Cool.

But what the hell did that mean?

I looked down at myself, realizing that I've been rigid from the moment that Alice had walked in and my hand had been squeezed between my thighs in a death grip. Probably to stop it from going any further . . . Either way. Alice Cullen took time out of her life to assess my body language. I am fucking king of the world right now.

...

-15 minutes into class-

"Why do you keep staring at me?" Alice asked, not taking her eyes off her paper.

"Uhh," I stuttered, furiously embarrassed. I had had a great deal of faith in my creeping abilities, and thought I had been being sneaky about full-out staring at her from behind my hair.

Damn you failure of a hair! I was going to need better stalker hair if I was going to have English with Alice for the rest of the semester.

"You . . ." make me wet my panties - no, don't say that. "look very pale, are you feeling okay?" I asked. Phew, good catch Bella. I high-fived myself in my imagination, also realizing just how lame I was.

Alice laughed and I swear I heard music in it. "Well, I don't get much sun here in Forks. I'm fine though."

"That's so great." I said, wanting to face-palm myself immediately after. 'That's so great'? Really Bella? It's not just great, it's so great.

Alice grabbed my hand and I almost shat my pants. "You look pretty pale yourself." She said, turning my hand over in hers. A second later she let me go and I could live again. She was really cold, like, really really cold - a beautiful ice cube. But sexier than an ice cube. Like a beautiful ice boob.

"Yeah, I guess I-"

"Bella!" bellowed Fatty, who was already getting red in the face. "How am I supposed to teach with you making all that noise by yourself back there?"

"I'm not the only one back here," I protested - Alice was totally the one that started all the talking.

"Yes, but Alice is a doll," He said, smiling sweetly at Alice before turning his glare back on me. "and you will be out of here if I hear another peep!"

Fatty then accentuated his point by sticking his finger at me, jabbing it towards the door, then 'zipping' up his lips.

"Sheesh." I muttered under my breath. I'll show him where he could stick that finger . . .

...

At the end of the class Alice said goodbye and bounced out of the room. I sat in my seat for few moments, trying to figure out if I should thank God for putting me beside Alice fucking Cullen, or I should just let myself drown in naughty thoughts.

Naughty thoughts it is.

As I was packing up my books, I noticed a slip of paper on the desk.

I reads its contents, or lack of contents, and my eyes nearly bugged out of my head.

Alice left me a phone number.

Alice Cullen left me a phone number.

Okay.

Okay cool.

What the hell was she playing at?

Either way.

Or-fucking-gasm.