Harry Potter, Rotter

by anorc

What if Harry Potter really was as bad as Cursed child makes him out to be? And got married to a Pure-bred by signing paperwork as in "Harry Potter and the importance of magical law reform" And... off we go. Don't take it too seriously. It's just Harry's life. Lots of bad language. Largely a comical rehash of cursed child. Because I definitely needed to.

1. Chapter 1 : Iteration one

Harry Potter-Rotter

Harry Potter and the Need for Magical Law Reforms : Not written crossover with Cursed child.

[AN:Story named "Harry Potter and the Need for Magical Law Reforms" is really good, but I'm wondering how Canon works with being intact and married to some pureblood at the same time. Here's an fanfic crossover with Harry admitting he might not have told Hermione everything. And a butchering of Cursed Child because, well, I'm an orc. Butchering things is… our thing.]

AN: My modified cursed child occurs in 2020 with Delphini at Hogwarts playing Delphini Diggory, seventh year for reasons that will be clear in time, and Lily Luna Potter is only ten.

Part One: An imperfectly cursed child.

Harry Potter lay in bed sleeping.

It was after all Harry's bed, in Harry's house, and not work hours.

Harry opened one eye slowly and all he could see was messy, tangled brown hair

He opened the other eye and stared at Hermione's hair blurrily, reaching over and getting his glasses. There were a couple of grey hairs in her tangled hair, Harry realised. Better not mention that, Hermione like Ginny, had a tendency to take hair-criticism poorly.

Harry lay, thinking about the DMLE budget, trying to not think about the way Al and James weren't talking to him, and wouldn't reply to his OWLs. Lily was … Lily was fine, He reminded himself, it wasn't like Ginny hadn't gone away for months at a time on the road with Quidditch. Mummy might not be coming back this time, but he could look after Lily with some help from Molly.

Harry wondered what had woken him. The house was still pretty quiet, the day, through the gap in the curtains seemed to be still quite early. He twisted in the bed slowly looked over at the bedside clock. Seven thirty and forty-eight seconds. Ginny had laughed uproariously at that, George's wedding present, a bedside clock with a sweep second hand. "For timing really quick things, like Harry's shags" George had said. Ginny… had made a point of calling his times, and telling him to train harder. It's been their little sports joke. Not that he'd ever make that joke with Hermione. Their thing, whatever it was, was too new, and they were both parents. To even have time to come over for well, dinner and a shag was tricky. She was after all, the minster of bloody magic. A little voice in his head said 'And the head of the DMLE has so much fucking free time.'.

Harry tried to relax, but he had the strangest feeling, like someone was coming for him. Which was ridiculous paranoia, he reminded himself. The last Death-Eater sympathisers, apart from fucking Malfoy had gone to prison months ago. Why the hell, Theodore Nott, of all people had tried to duel him, Harry Potter, the man who… well it had made no sense on the day, and less after the Wizengamot threw Nott into Azkaban, life without parole for resisting arrest and Attacking an Auror in pursuit of his duties. Nott, Harry mused had had a perfectly decent life, and if he'd just kept a lid on it, he could have been, maybe torturing puffskeins, or whatever Dark wizards with a sense of self-preservation did. Like fucking Malfoy, who apart from those court orders after he'd tried to kill himself, was behaving himself. His wife had died, and Harry understood that that probably made him upset, but he had a fucking kid. What was worse, Harry mused was that Malfoy was apparently drinking himself to death, leaving his sons' life in the hands of his sister-in-law.

Harry sighed quietly. He had got a few discreet letters from that person, bemoaning Malfoy's murder-by-cock of her sister, who'd died in childbirth, of course, and the thought of... that person acting a mother for anyone, even Malfoy's fucking kid, was horrifying. They'd agreed she'd never visit, never touch or speak to his and Ginny's kids. He probably should write her a letter and tell her about splitting up with Ginny, and have to look up what the fucking etiquette was for telling Her was um, what had Al said ''Fucking your best friends wife, dad, you arsehole.'

Harry lay there, and looked at the clock again. Seven thirty-one and twelve seconds. Hermione would have read the front page of the Prophet in the time he'd spent lying in bed wool-gathering. He didn't want to move, to get up, shower and wake Hermione. The naughty thought of waking Hermione up and 'making an oral application for a funding increase' as Hermione had said last night, make his cock twitch. He hadn't expect her to joke about the way she was kind-of his boss. And certainly not in bed. Or on her desk, he though, smiling. Not that he'd done that again. He was trying hard not to work late, to get home and spend some time with his daughter. That Hermione made dirty jokes in bed had been a surprise. Ginny had made quidditch jokes, of course, but she'd always had an earthy sense of humour. Hermione had… well he smiled, that 'application' he'd made last night had been 'A satisfactory application Director Potter' she'd said, then crooked her finger, and he'd climbed up her prone body. He was feeling quite horny now. Maybe over breakfast, they might have time? The Prophet would be here now, he realised. It arrived most mornings around seven thirty. Hopefully the news of he and Hermione hadn't made it to the Prophet yet. Ginny wouldn't be so spiteful, would she? He wondered. A sinking feeling was his gut telling him, she probably had given a tell-all interview by now. It had been months after all. It was just a matter of time before the particular bludger hits, he realised. It's not like he was shagging Hermione in her office. Not after that first time.

Harry lay hornily in the bed, when he heard the stairs creak. Far too heavily for Lily, and like her mum, Lily wasn't a morning person.

Harry reached painfully, his wrecked shoulder hurting, his bad knee sore, and got his wand, and started silently casting protective spells in the bed. Whoever was coming, he wasn't head of the DMLE for nothing.

Harry poked Hermione with his off hand.

"Whah?" she mumbled.

"Grab your wand there's someone in the house" said Harry very quietly.

Hermione scrambled about, not bothering to find her nightie, getting her wand and casting more protection. It reminded Harry for one instant of their horrible seventh year, on the run. Only with more sex, he reminded himself.

His bedroom door blew open with bang.

"Potter!" yelled an angry woman.

Harry's mind scrambled. Not Ginny, not Molly, and who else could floo into his house? It was blocked to everyone but family, and that wasn't Fleur; though, a witch walked in, boot heels loud on the floor. It was a blonde witch.

"Put your wand down and face me like a man, you philandering arsehole" yelled the witch, her wand pointed straight at Harry.

Hermione's wand was quivering in the corner of Harry's field of view.

"I thought you agreed to never visit" said Harry, recognising the angry witch and wishing he had some clothes on, that Hermione had some clothes on.

"Harry" said Hermione very crossly "What the hell is Daphne Greengrass doing in your house, blowing your door open"

"Uh Hermione, meet Daphne Black. My um… first wife" said Harry, swallowing.

"You were married to Daphne Greengrass before you married Ginny?" asked Hermione "But you married Ginny a year after the war, and I don't remember the wedding or divorce."

"Put some clothes on muddy and go clean yourself" said Daphne icily.

"Don't call her that" interrupted Harry angrily.

"You married a blood-traitor and I didn't complain. You had spawn with that blood-traitor and I didn't complain, but now you've cheated on her, with your best female friend who you 'think of like a sister', Well I'm calling you up. You're making our family a laughingstock and shagging someone else's wife in the blood-traitors marriage bed. You're all class, Potter."

"You'll have woken my daughter" said Harry tightly. "She's only ten, she doesn't need to see adults pointing wands at each other"

"But watching her father fucking another man's wife is okay?" spat Greengrass.

"Of course not. We lock the door" said Hermione, unhelpfully Harry thought.

"I told you to get out of my husbands bed, Minister and go wash your saggy tits" said Daphne.

"Don't use that tone, Wife" said Harry angrily.

Daphne bowed sarcastically "As you insist, Husband" she hissed.

"What the fuck is going on" asked Hermione loudly.

"Language Granger" said Daphne "Harry's spawn might hear, though really, a silencing charm is on her door. I'm not anywhere near as indiscreet as you. At least cover your saggy tits."

Hermione bravely got out of bed, holding the sheet to one side and grabbed a nightie and pulled it on, and slipped back into bed.

"Go wash your spunk-filled body Granger, I'm here to talk to Undesirable Arsehole number one, not you." said Daphne.

"Harry" said Hermione, in a calm, even tone "Explain, now, or I'll hex you in the balls?"

"After the war" said Harry awkwardly "I was signing a lot of forms."

Daphne had put her wand somewhere and crossed her arms, and stood, looking like an angry pure-blood witch.

"And accidentally married yourself to Daphne Greengrass?" asked Hermione.

"It's Daphne Black" said Daphne "And has been since ninety-eight. That's why I'm First wife."

"It was no accident" said Harry "It was fucking setup" he said angrily "Your father bribed someone to put the marriage contract in my in-tray"

"The binding contractual agreement was mailed to you and you signed it" corrected Daphne "The contact is three hundred pages long. And you've violated terms, so I'm here to claim reparations."

"What, Marrying Ginny?" asked Hermione.

"Potter was graciously allowed to marry the blood-traitor by his beautiful, intelligent first wife" said Daphne. "You did not come asking for permission to engage a concubine, and now you and Weasley are divorcing. That's a contract breach, and I'll have reparations. If I want to call the concubine Muddy, I can. If you're very persuasive, I won't make it wear a concubines collar in public!"

"What do you want?" asked Harry tired already.

"To divorce you, obviously" spat Daphne "But as that's not allowed by the contract, I will have an allowance, as specified in part six, sub section eight, paragraph nine."

"You don't need the money" argued Harry.

"It's not about needing the money, it's about the fact that MY NAME is going to be on the fucking divorce papers. I've kept out of your life ,and you've kept out of mine. Now Weasley, the fucking attention seeker that she is, is going to drag my dignified pure-blood name through the muck. Oh, and I do need the money, you penny-pinching prick."

"You're married to Harry?" asked Hermione. "But… he was married to Ginny?"

"Ginny was second wife, as allowed in the exceedingly generous contract my father provided" said Daphne.

"How is Cyrus?" asked Harry pleasantly.

"I haven't spoken to him in ten years, since he asked when I was having more of your spawn" said Daphne angrily.

"Harry, have you and Daphne… Black got a child?" asked Hermione.

"As if" said Daphne "If He'd ever had carnal relations with me, you'd know. Firstly because Weasley would have been kicked out on her arse, and secondly because Potter would spend every waking minute begging for more."

Hermione was thinking, Harry realised, and his balls contracted against his body.

"You… you've been married to Harry for nineteen years and never had him?" asked Hermione. "You stupid stuck-up bitch." said Hermione very rudely.

"Hermione, don't call her that." said Harry.

"Has Weasely got him well trained?" asked Daphne snidely "Well bully for you. I've spent nineteen years living like a nun because Harry-fucking-Potter is too good for me."

"Harry, you're married to Daphne and have some sort of magical contract?" asked Hermione.

"Sort of" admitted Harry awkwardly.

"The magic is that if I'm unfaithful to him, the contract decrees he gets half of all my family's wealth. That would mean mother and father having to sell their house" said Daphne. "Greengrasses have lived on Watermeadow farm for eight centuries. What was it, dear Husband that you promised to do?"

"Mmmm" mumbled Harry.

"Oh I remember, turn it into a muggle golf course, and call it 'Bithcies'" said Daphne.

"Harry!" exclaimed Hermione, turning to glare at him "Did you really?"

"Oh come off it Granger, if he cheated on his wife with you, do you really think it's not the first time he's been a complete bastard to a woman? My mother had to take calming drafts for a month after that."

"Your mother is an utter bitch who could teach Pansy Parkinson how to be a bitch" said Harry.

"All she wanted was for you to turn up to fucking yule, and not drag your second wife and all her spawn along." said Daphne.

"No, because your sister married fucking ferret face" spat Harry.

"My sister is dead, you insensitive shit" said Daphne "Which is why I've been having to raise your nephew, who you won't even fucking talk to. Uncle Potter who didn't even come to the funeral."

Hermione got out of the bed and started picking up her clothes

"Just go wash" said Daphne "I've got plenty more to say to my selfish insensitive husband"

Hermione took a deep breath, and Harry cringed. Hermione had snapped and was about to go off.

"Insensitive"? Asked Hermione "It sounds like your family tricked Harry into marrying you."

"He signed the agreement willingly" said Daphne. "And spent five thousand galleons of our Black family money fighting it."

"I was signing a lot of forms from my inbox and it just was in there" admitted Harry, realising it didn't sound quite so good like that.

"You… signed an agreement to marry from your inbox?" asked Hermione. "Just like getting the floo put on?"

"And then claimed the floo was too undesirable for his willy, which is clearly false, as anyone can see" said Greengrass.

Hermione grabbed her neatly folded clothes, shook her head and pushed past Greengrass into the hallway, headed to the bathroom.

"Muddy, in my house, you don't push past me" snapped Daphne at Hermione.

Hermione turned and looked at Daphne incredulously "Harry and Ginny's house" said Hermione.

"Oh you think that I don't own half of all his assets, we're married" said Daphne.

"I gave you a house" said Harry angrily "You agreed to stay out of this one."

"You gave her a house?" asked Hermione, standing in the cold hallway in her nightie.

"A decrepit townhouse in London and a house elf so old it could hardly work" said Daphne bitterly "Which was technically all you had to supply. Bastard."

"Harry, you gave Daphne G – Daphne Black, Grimmauld place?" asked Hermione.

"He was obliged by the contract terms to supply a residence and servants. Technically the house elf counted. Then refused to supply an allowance."

"You were rich anyway" retorted Harry. Hermione walked towards the bathroom door, reaching out for the knob.

"My family are rich, and you forced father to pay me an allowance. And then never even consummated the marriage, so I can't even legally take a lover, you selfish fucking prat."

Hermione turned around "Harry James Potter" she said angrily "Have you forced Daphne to live in that shithole, and not even be able to have a lover for nineteen years?"

"And not even a Yule gift for nineteen years, and that's so humiliating. I've had to skip family Yules because everyone asks "So where's your present from your husband" said Daphne angrily, her eyes glistening "And what am I to do, admit I'm stuck in legal fucking limbo, having to beg off attending my birthdays and Yules and let's not mention my wedding anniversary? The ones he doesn't even attend. My Grandmother had a stroke at our tenth, you asshole".

"Surely your family can be understanding" asked Hermione politely, "They must love you?"

"My brother in law is Draco Malfoy" said Daphne sharply "Do you think he's polite or kind when Potty doesn't show again to yule, a wedding anniversary, the birth of his nephew, or my birthday." Daphne Greengrass sniffed, her nose congested. Hermione fled into the bathroom.

Harry signed "So um, can I get dressed?" he asked.

"Do what you like" snapped Greengrass "You seem to."

"So how much to you want?" asked Harry.

"Put some clothes on" snapped Daphne, and Harry huffed "I've got no pants on" he snapped.

"Well, I finally get see you naked, it's only been twenty years" snapped Daphne.

Harry put his wand down and pulled the top sheet off the bed and used it as a clumsy wrap-cum privacy screen to get out of bed.

Daphne snapped her wand out and cast a cleaning charm on Harry, who was soaked with soapy bubbles, which popped quickly, leaving the sheet only slightly damp

"Ouch" cried Harry "That stung!"

"I'm your spouse, I'm allowed to cast cleaning charms on you" said Daphne "Matrimonial and other matters act, seventeen twelve."

Harry awkwardly got some boxers out of the drawer and pulled them on

"Oh you wear boxers" said Daphne "Twenty years, and now I know your pants preference."

Harry dropped the now slightly cold sheet on the floorboards pulled on some socks.

"You've got old" observed Daphne bitterly "And you're covered in scars."

Harry walked past her to the wardrobe and got out a shirt, and awkwardly manoeuvred his bad shoulder into it.

"That was from when your shoulder got hit by that blue curse in two thousand and two?" asked Daphne.

"How'd you know about that?" asked Harry, doing up his cuffs.

"Next of kin get notified by St Mungos" said Daphne "Weasley was out of town. So I dropped by to see, and you were gaga on pain potions. And they said it wasn't a dark curse."

"Didn't have time for the physiotherapy" admitted Harry "Then it healed wrong, and now it's a bit fucked."

"Typical you" said Daphne, and Harry pulled on some suit trousers from the floor.

"Those are crumpled" said Daphne "You can't wear those to work"

"I'll charm them later" said Harry, sitting on the bed and slowly tying his shoes.

"Do you want to marry Granger?" asked Daphne.

"I dunno" admitted Harry "Maybe yeah, once we're sure"

"No you can't" said Daphne. "You need permission from your fist wife and it's not forthcoming."

"Don't be a bitch about that" said Harry, pulling his tie from yesterday on.

"Don't be a bitch?" asked Daphne incredulously "I haven't been able to have sex with anyone, because of you ever, and you talk about not being a bitch?"

"Why… do you suddenly have feelings? You never have before?" asked Harry.

"Some of us were raised to not act out in public" said Daphne. "It's just good manners."

"You never had any emotions in the morning teas" said Harry.

"I was a pure-blood witch getting married to the head of an old family. Certain standards of behaviour are expected" said Daphne.

"And you, you blow the door in and call Hermione muddy!" said Harry "You've got some nerve"

"What I have Potter, is leverage, you shit!" snapped Daphne.

Harry frowned "What?"

"Weasleys' divorcing you. She'll get half of everything" said Daphne coldly. Hermione opened the bathroom door and stepped into the hallway, fully dressed in a serious work robe.

"Ah, your concubine appears" said Daphne.

"Don't call her that" said Harry "She's a girlfriend"

"You're still married to me, and the contract graciously lets you have two wives and concubines. My mother laughed at the idea of you ever pulling a concubine and a second wife, but jokes on you. If Weasley divorces you, she gets half, and I get the other half. You get to keep nothing, but I think I might let you use this… cottage to house your spawn" said Daphne.

"But that leaves Harry with nothing" said Hermione.

"And that's why you're minister for magic. Such a big brain" said Daphne bitterly.

"But… with three people… divorcing?" asked Hermione "But that means someone with two wives can't divorce without being beggared?"

"And as the only people who have two wives in England are…. Harry Potter, world biggest arsehole and … one of the Lovegoods, who's in a risque three-way marriage, what do you expect?" asked Daphne.

"Broke?" asked Harry "I'll rent I guess, and um, muddle along."

"You'll need a pay-rise" said Daphne "I'll own the house in London, so you need to provide another house. You'll need to rent two houses, and pay my servants. The one you gave me to satisfy the contract is going to be owned by me, so it won't count."

"I'm sure you can afford two flats on your Salary" said Hermione reassuringly.

"And my allowance. I require… um, your entire salary. As it's less than the allowance cap, I'm afraid you'll be penniless, and homeless. I'll arrange for the spawn to have hmm, this house to live in." said Daphne coldly.

"Harry, you can, um live with me" said Hermione.

"And… I think my allowance needs to be, um, equal to your salary plus hers" said Daphne, rolling her eyes.

Hermione crossed her arms over her chest "You just want to make Harry homeless and penniless?"

"Not just homeless and penniless" said Daphne "Homeless and penniless and have to work hard."

"What will it take to get you to drop it?" asked Harry.

"I want to be free" said Daphne "You're going to consummate this stinking marriage, so I can take a lover. Then you're going to pay me an allowance enough to make up for having to quit my job to raise your nephew."

"Oh what do you do?" asked Hermione curiously.

"I work in the Ministry, in records" said Daphne "Which pays oh so well."

"Records?" asked Harry "why do you work there?"

"Because my Husband doesn't pay an allowance, my father won't speak to me and I can't take a lover, who I could be supported by" said Daphne bitterly.

"But I thought you worked in your family business?" said Harry.

"Father won't speak to me because no offspring of this virgins womb" said Daphne bitterly. "When he dies, with no male heir, the whole lot goes to my cousin Bertie, and he's a spendthrift.

"So, uh, Daphne may I take Hermione as a concubine?" asked Harry.

"You may, if she agrees" said Daphne graciously. "Granger, you probably want to read the relevant sections of the Matrimonial and other matters act."

"Well when I get time to do that" said Hermione crossly. "Harry, you seem to have treated Daphne quite callously. Surely there was something you could do?"

"One pity shag, that's all he needed to do, and then maybe one more when Daddy dearest finally wanted an heir" said Daphne "I'd kept myself pure and unsullied. Merlin knows how many cauldrons his cocks been in now."

Harry rolled his eyes "Hermione, you really should read that act carefully. Greengrass is angling to beggar me."

"I can be quite reasonable" said Daphne, reaching into her robe pocket and pulling out a music stand that could never have fitted, which she let go, and it landed on the floor, unfolded and stood upright. Then she rummaged and pulled out a bulky parchment bundle "Marriage contract" she observed, and put it on the bed, and rummaged elbow deep in her pocket, then pulled out a leather-bound book "Matrimonial and other purposes act" she said , putting it on the music stand "The relevant sections are bookmarked."

"Thank you" said Hermione automatically and started flicking thought the book. Harry was struck by how cute Hermione always looked with her nose stuck in a book.

"So you're going to let me declare Hermione a concubine?" asked Harry "I thought you were going to have me homeless, with Hermione having to work to pay your allowance?"

"That's an alternative to a negotiated agreement" said Daphne "That's my fallback plan if you don't play nice."

"Daphne?" asked Hermione "You always did quite well in Rune and arithmancy and ancient studies, why are you working in records?"

"Because someone kept cock-blocking my applications" said Daphne.

Hermione read sections of the book, her lips moving "This is awfully prescriptive" said Hermione. "Why do we even have laws for concubines?" she asked.

"So some people don't just have prostitutes in the house and call them concubines" said Daphne stiffly "There's a legal framework."

"Harry, while it's a disgusting throwback, it seems that being your concubine will at least prevent Daphne from being able to evict me from the house" said Hermione. "How we'll stop her taking all our incomes as allowance eludes me?"

"Goodwill" said Daphne "You'll have earned so much goodwill."

"Fine" grumbled Hermione "Harry, may I please be your concubine?"

"Sure, I suppose" said Harry.

"Not until I agree" interjected Daphne.

"Daphne, may Hermione be my concubine?" asked Harry.

"With no allowance for her, and she has to keep her own residence, or at least her own room" said Daphne. "Do you both agree?"

The ex-gryffindors nodded.

"Let us join hands" said Daphne.

"Is this going to be magic?" asked Harry.

"Concubine declarations have to be make by all parties holding hands" said Daphne. "Not by owl post or floo call, in person, holding hands"

Harry and Hermione awkwardly took Daphne's hands, and held hands.

"I declare my husband to have Hermione Weasley, Minister for Magic as his concubine" said Daphne. "Lucky me."

"Um, what was in this for you?" asked Harry.

"Choices" said Daphne. "Now I've got some."

"What do you mean?" asked Hermione.

"The matrimonial matters act defines consummation of a marriage as by the spouse or concubine thereof. As Harry Potter is too good for me, I'll have to make do with his, and My concubine. Granger, tonight, Grimmauld place."

Hermione blinked "You're... ordering me to have sex with you?"

"Concubine" said Daphne "One of the small perks of being first wife. It's terribly sexist, and I'm not into girls at all, but… one shag and I can at least find a lover without the family being homeless."

Harry blinked. Crikey, girl on girl action

"I'm watching" he said, recklessly.

"Look how selfish he is" said Daphne. "Typical man."

"Um… Daphne?" asked Hermione "I'm not into girls either."

"We are but playthings for his amusement" said Daphne sarcastically "But at least I'll get to have sex with a boy one day."

"You um, want to have sex?" asked Harry.

"Wedding dress, wedding, … sex. that's how it goes" said Daphne "Women do want sex, or are you so selfish you'd never considered that?"

"He's actually quite good" said Hermione. "He's very fit, and uh, Ginny taught him well. The man who licked."

"I am aware of the mechanics of sex, Granger" said Daphne "There are such things as books" she said very sarcastically.

"Daphne, um… apart from tonight" said Hermione, blushing "Why are you working in Records, you did really well in Runes?"

"I work in records " said Daphne "Because when I applied for International Magical Cooperation Kingsley Shacklebolt personally vetoed my application. When I applied for DRCMC, Percy Weasley vetoed my application. And When I applied to the Department of Mysteries they sent me a form response saying that as the wife of Harry Potter I was banned for life due to Harry Potter doing fourteen million galleons worth of damage to the Department. As are all his descendants, apparently. Oh, and I suspect yours."

"How long have you worked in records?" asked Hermione.

"Since two thousand and two" said Daphne "I wanted some independence, and after Daddy cut off my allowance, I needed the money, because I got no allowance from Harry Potter-Black."

"Daddy?" asked Harry's ten-year-old daughter Lily from the hallway, in her plaid pyjamas "Who's the angry lady?"

"Um… that's Aunt Daphne" said Harry.

"Have you been away?" asked Lily "I've never seen you before and I've seen all our aunties and uncles, even Uncle Dudley. Daphne turned around and looked at Lily. "Miss Potter" she said politely.

"You're the lady from the pet store" said Lily "You gave me the galleon to buy owl food. Thanks" she said shyly.

"Your father doesn't like much" said Daphne "You also have another cousin and uncle."

"Oh your husband? What's he like?" asked Lily.

"A cruel, heartless man" said Daphne, but your Uncle Draco is not my husband. He was my sisters husband, and your Cousin Scorpius is his son.

"Scorpius, Scorpius Malfoy?" asked Lily "He's Al's best friend in the whole world. Daddy won't let him visit. Al complains."

"Does he really, how like his father" said Daphne, turning to look at Harry, who was looking like he wanted to shout.

"You're not bringing them here" said Harry stiffly.

"Oh of course not. Lily and her brothers can come with me to visit them, after all, they're family."

"They're in-laws" said Harry. "Not family."

"Technically, your father is right" said Daphne to Lily "Though your uncle Draco did ask if I'd marry him after my sister died. He was very sad and very drunk at the time."

"Well, why not?" asked Lily "Scorpius needs a mother."

"I'm practically his mother" said Daphne deadpan "I can't marry anyone, I'm already married."

"In the story of the golden griffin, there's a marriage with three people" offered Lily. "Grandma Weasley says it's old-fashioned but it's real, It's in a book. And I asked mum, and she said it's real too."

"Oh I'm already married exactly like that" said Daphne, smiling at Lily. "I can't do it twice."

"Really?" asked Lily "Have you got two husbands?"

"I have one, but he ignores me" said Daphne "He likes, liked his other wife much better than me"

"Did she die?" asked Lily "It's really sad when someone dies. Mum's gone away after she and dad had a fight, but… she's not dead. She could come back. But Dad – dad's – " Lily looked at Hermione "Dad's carrying on with Aunty Hermione. Grandma keeps taking potions."

Daphne turned and looked at Harry head tilted "You're sending your daughter to Molly Weasley's house, when Molly Weasley's taking potions? She's very upset at you two cutting her children out of the loop?"

"Molly's fine, just some calming drafts" said Harry "Getting someone to look after and teach Lily while I'm at work is hard."

"My Mother will do it." said Daphne "She has less reason to accidentally murder Lily."

"Molly loves all her grandchildren, she'd never hurt then" said Harry indignantly.

"She's a dangerous witch; she killed Bellatrix LeStrange for Hecate's sake, and now She's on calming drafts. That sounds like an unsuitable place for children. I suppose, Granger, your children are going there too?"

"Ron, um looks after them a bit, and then yes… they go to Molly's" said Hermione "She's being very good about it"

"Potter, introduce me to your daughter properly, or I'll get child services to intervene, neither of you can care for your children, and Molly is a known murderer."

"It was a war" said Harry stiffly "She was protecting Ginny."

"Who you've thrown over for Granger" said Daphne "Grief makes people do strange things. Which reminds me, I need to talk to you about Malfoy and Nott some time. Tomorrow after dinner perhaps?"

Harry stood up from the bed and walked over to a frowning Lily "Lil," he sighed "I've told you how mummy might not come back?"

Lily nodded "Because you're sleeping with aunty Hermione now, there's no room for mummy in the bed."

"You mother and I," said Harry awkwardly "We're probably getting divorced."

"I won't have a mum" said Lily "Aunty Hermione's never home, she's at work or asleep with you"

Harry squatted down and looked into his daughters green eyes. "I uh… I need to introduce Daphne to you properly. Ginny, well, Ginny and I never wanted her to come here."

"Is she like Uncle Dudley?" asked Lily "She looks like a proper witch?"

Daphne smiled slightly at that.

"Dudley's Harry's muggle cousin, and he's well, not an over-achiever" said Hermione quietly.

Daphne made a tiny "hmh" sound.

"I am a witch" said Daphne "From a long line of pure-blood witches. Like your mother, but not a blood traitor."

"Don't use those words" snapped Harry "Not to my children."
"As you wish" said Daphne "Go on, tell her?"

"Daphne is, um my other wife" said Harry. "Like in the Golden Griffin"

"But I've only met her at the pet-shop once" said Lily "And I didn't even know her name."

"I knew yours" said Daphne.

"So are you my mum too?" asked Lily.

"I'm first wife, your mother is second wife, you're my half-child. You may call me Mrs Black" said Daphne.

Lily went "pfft. Mum Black." she corrected. Daphne waved her fingers and Lily's dressing-gown shot out of her room and wrapped around her.

"Cool! Wandless magic" said Lily "Dad can't do that, Aunty Hermione can't do that, and uncle Ron can't do that And mum definitely can't do that. You're the best witch in the family."

"Yes I am" drawled Daphne.

"Harry can do some wandless magic" said Hermione. "Fire-starting."

"Anyone can do that. Al can do that" offered Lily "That's how Grandma Weasley's chicken coop burnded down last year."

Harry stiffened "He what?" he asked suddenly "He set a fire at the Burrow?"

"James said he was a stupid Snake so Al set it on fire wandessly" said Lily "And James can't because he's a stupid Griffindor."

Daphne snorted "Dear sweet child" she said "We're going to have so much fun."

"Sure mum Black" said Lily "Can I have pancakes with syrup for breakfast?"

"No" said Daphne "You will have some fresh vegetables and fish."

"Dad, Mum Black's' awful" complained Lily "Vegetables for breakfast."

"It's healthy" said Daphne "Don't complain, it's unbecoming. You're a pure-blood and you have to maintain certain standards of behaviour."

"You can't come into my house and start trotting out all that blood supremacy stuff" said Harry.

"It's your house till the divorce, then you're either homeless and penniless or doing things my way" said Daphne "Lily dear, your father didn't realise that cheating on your mother with your aunt was going to lead to consequences."

"Like no dessert?" asked Lily.

"Like you and your brothers living with me, along with your cousins from Aunt Hermione" said Daphne. "You'll be coming to my mother's house for schooling, just till Grandmother Weasley feels better, or you go to Hogwarts, whichever comes sooner."

"Was Daddy reckless?" asked Lily.

"A typical Griffindor" said Daphne "Like your Aunt Hermione and Uncle Ron."

"What house were you in mum black?" asked Lily.

"Slytherin, like your brother Albus" said Daphne.

"Is that why you're better at magic, because they're Griffindors like James and can't do it?"

"Oh yes Lily, exactly. In fact, if you're sorted into Slytherin, I'll call you daughter." said Daphne, with a thin-lipped grin.

"Cool" said Lily "Al told the hat to put him there, I'll do the same!"

"Al told the hat to put him in Slytherin?" asked Harry, confused.

"To be with Scorpius" said Lily "Honestly dad, you pay no attention."

"Why don't you have more brothers and sisters for me?" asked Lily. "You've been married forever, if you married Dad first."

"Because your father has only ever kissed me once, and it takes more than one kiss at a wedding to make babies" said Daphne.

"Fornication" explained Lily precociously, nodding "Uncle Bill was Fornicationing with Aunty Fluer in the orchard."

"You saw Bill and Fleur?" asked Harry, startled.

"It looked silly" said Lily "Then Aunty Fleur started to glow silvery. It looked like pretty good magic then."

"Glowing is something only your Aunt Fleur does" said Hermione "It's a part-veela thing."

"So Vic will do glowing but I won't. Bum" said Lily. "Vic's the prettiest and she gets to glow when fornicationing."

Daphne shook her head "Being part Veela is quite challenging, your cousin Victiore will have many difficulties in life, boys will act very stupid around her, and when she's grown up, it will be very hard for her to find a good wizard who will treat her like a person, not just a Veela."

"Teddy will probably just marry Vic" said Lily "He thinks Vic's the only girl in the world, and he's a metamorphmagus. Aunty Fleur said Teddy will have problems finding a witch who wants him for who he is, and not just who he can turn into. Which makes sense, because it's really cool when he makes a pig nose."

"That will probably be up to Victoire" said Hermione gently.

"No Teddy will just change into Vic, and she'll marry him; because he'll be beautiful then." explained Lily "He can't do changes that well yet, but once he can, Vic will fall in love with him for looking liker her. She likes him a bit anyway."

"They're cousins" said Harry plaintively.

"Teddy's your godson and not related to Victoire" said Daphne "And the next Black's having some Veela blood would make them prettier, and metamorphmagi - most agreeable."

"Mum Black, is Teddy your godson too?" asked Lily.

"Your father won't let me visit him, even thought I'm Daphne Black, and Teddy's a Black" said Daphne "With no children, Teddy will inherit our Black estate eventually."

"When Daddy dies?" asked Lily, biting her lip "Daddy can't die, he's all I've got left."

"So Harry, do you object to Lily going to her calm Grandmother's house for lessons?" asked Daphne.

"I haven't spoken to Roxanne since…"

"Our wedding" said Daphne "I wore a white dress, Mummy wore a salmon one?" she suggested sarcastically.

"Why did dad marry you if he didn't want to live with you?" asked Lily.

"Your father signed an agreement to marry, a legally binding agreement, took me on several dates and married me." said Daphne "Then abandoned me for your mother. Rather than make a fuss, I very generously let him marry your mother." said Daphne "Put a nice dress on… Lily your grandmother's never seen you and you want to make a good first impression."

"She'll be fine at the Burrow" said Harry "Molly's just stressed."

"Mummy will be so excited, and we have horses and ponies and all kinds of animals to pet and ride on" said Daphne.

"Dad, I wanno go to – Grandma Roxanne's house" said Lily. "Grandma Molly's only got chickens and a pig and a cow."

Daphne smirked. "Grandma Roxanne has all those, Abraxans and horses and ponies and owls and if you're very good, she'll take you shopping"

"Shopping?" said Lily "I definitely wanna go to Grandma Roxanne's house" and she darted back into her room like a tiddler in shallow water, and there was the sound of a wardrobe door banging open.

"Fine" said Harry defeatedly "How will Lily get home?"

"Mother and father will feed her, doubtless you can floo after work and bring her back here" said Daphne. "You need merely floo to Watermeadow after work."

"Can't you bring her home" asked Harry.

"I'll be at Grimmauld being helped by Granger." said Daphne.

"Um, are you gay?" asked Hermione quietly.

"No, but as Potter won't do it, I'll make do with the concubine" said Daphne "One very discreet time and I'm free of the clause that took effect the instant I married him."

"But you can't have your own children?" asked Hermione.

"Not unless it's with him" said Daphne "Adding bastards to the house of Black is directly against the contract, and I'd forfeit all my family's wealth to Potter."

"Why ever would your father put you in the position?" asked Hermione.

"To secure the black family wealth and merge it with ours, and be married into the politically best connected family in Britain" said Daphne "I was expecting him to come around to one or two children eventually, as is my duty."

"But –" asked Hermione.

"Totally rejected. After a year or so, I stopped crying and let him marry Weasley" said Daphne.

"About that thing" said Hermione "I um, don't want to do that. I sympathise wit h your plight, but I'm not doing that" said Hermione.

"You're a concubine, you do what I say as first wife" said Daphne. "Or you're in contract default"

"Well I'll be in contract default then" said Hermione sharply. "I thought this was some way to um, be with Harry without a huge legal fuss."

"Oh it is, and I'll give you permission to marry him once Weasley's out of the picture. In return for which, as a concubine you have given up a couple of rights."

"Its slavery, isn't it?" asked Hermione dully.

"That's silly. Slavery is illegal. Concubinage is a way for... well fan girls to be with whoever, and not get on the wives nerves. Weasley would never have settled for it, she always wanted to be Mrs Potter. Till he took up with you. Try looking at page one hundred and thirteen. It spells out what you gave up."

Hermione flicked pages and read, her lips moving. "I can't disobey a legal domestic order or go to Azkaban?" exclaimed Hermione "I'm the Minister for Magic!"

"And sadly, telling you what laws to pass doesn't count as a domestic order. Shame really, but I'm prepared to tolerate anything, to get out of the newly-married bride clause Potter's left me in for twenty years. One orgasm, verified by a competent authority, and I'm free to at least take a lover." said Daphne quietly.

"I get to watch, brill" said Harry.

"Conveniently, concubines count as competent authorities" said Daphne. "I assume Granger, you know the vibrating charm?"

"Well yes" said Hermione blushing "But I … not with girls"

"I expect I can keep my pants on" said Daphne "And you'll be clothed"

"Oh, that's… not so bad I suppose" said Hermione.

"And I don't get to watch?" asked Harry.

"Twenty years as a princess in a tower. No you don't get to watch" said Daphne drily.

After a short pause Harry protested "I didn't know!"

"I owled you every day for a year." said Daphne "You liar."

"I thought you were just being a fangirl" said Harry. "I didn't read all of the letter" he admitted.

"And when I came to complain in person seventeen times?" asked Daphne mildly. "You were suddenly deaf in both ears?"

"Serves you right" said Harry bitterly "You and your dad trying to trap me."

"Trap you?" asked Daphne "I'm the one with four cats, you philandering arsehole. The contract said "Contract to marry Daphne Greengrass, contract terms in attachment one, and you took my dowry." said Daphne. "And never paid Daddy my bride price, which is very rude."

Hermione's eyes narrowed "Harry, you've known for twenty years?"

"It's just a pure-blood family trying to rip me off" said Harry.

"You took the eight thousand galleons and never paid bride price, you lowlife!" said Daphne.

"How much was your bride price, Daphne?" asked Hermione.

"Eighteen thousand galleons. Daddy worked out the lifetime salary of the job I was doing for him, and added it to the amount of the dowry. It's traditional."

"So... it's a two-way exchange of gifts?" asked Hermione "Sounds quite romantic if someone pays their half" she said sharply "Mister Potter you've got a meeting with me to discuss some quite severe accusations of spousal abuse. As head of the DMLE you are held to the highest standards of conduct" she said.

"You're going to throw the book at him at the Ministry?" asked Daphne "Oh thank you. When you cease to be angry with him, feel free sleep with him whenever you want to, consistent with polite behaviour; so no shagging at work."

Hermione blushed.

"Oh Merlin, you did?" asked Daphne "How dire" she drawled.

"It was very nice actually" said Hermione primly.

"Well I wouldn't know" said Daphne.

"Potter, pending paperwork, I expect you will be sent home on gardening leave to make amends to your wife, Daphne Black" said Hermione tightly "And you didn't disclose it on your HR records, and that's a day's pay docked right there"

"It's not like you can order him to … do his duty" said Daphne.

"But I can have the ethics board interview his wife and hear her complaints, and they may order mediation or counselling sessions" said Hermione "Part of our new employee care charter."

"Counselling sessions?" asked Harry "With the touchy-feelies? That's dire. They always ask blokes to talk about their feelings and stuff."

"Can you schedule the counselling out of work hours?" asked Daphne "He's very busy."

"I need to be home to look after my daughter" said Harry quickly.

Lily stepped out of her bedroom in her best white dress with her hair in pigtails. "I'm ready to meet Grandma Roxanne" she said "And the horses."

Daphne left with an excited Lily.

"Hermione –" started Harry.

"You shit." said Hermione bluntly "You utter shit. She's got a life sentence of chastity and you're all 'Hermione….' You really can be a bastard."

"So you're going to… get her off?" asked Harry.

"I'm the one who decides if she's gotten off, so I'll get Percy to pick up a book of speciality charms, and we'll have some ice-cream, call you an arsehole, and I'll cast some charms. Then I'll inform – whoever I inform that she got off and at least then she has some options. Don't think I'm not sending you to the ethics board for this."

"But… we're shagging" said Harry Plaintively.

"Not this week you're not. Prick" said Hermione and left.

-==0==-

Harry had a run-in with the ethics committee after lunch. They have him a scheduled interview on Friday afternoon. At about six thirty, Harry flooed home and quickly checked if anyone home, the person detection spell he'd learnt in the war, and used a lot as an Auror. He detected nothing, and went off to Watermeadow by floo powder.

The receiving hall at Watermeadow was as elaborately wood panelled as he remembered, and Cyrus Greengrass sat in a wingbacked chair looking saturnine and brooding.

"You're here" he drawled "We finally get to meet one of our grandchildren, because your cock's leading you around."

"Where's Lily?" asked Harry. "Is she all right?"

"It's not usually done to give a girl her grandmothers name as a first name" observed Cyrus "But she's in fine fettle. Takes after both you and her mother. Roxanne took her to see the animals and she loved it. We will be taking care of her pre-Hogwarts education from now on. You can't impose on Molly Weasley given that you and her daughter are going to divorce. She's got good handwriting, but her manners are very rough. Still, Roxanne had a lot of fun with her today."

"Took her shopping?" asked Harry.

"They went hunting instead. Girls' a natural on an Abraxan. Must get that from her mother."

"On an Abraxan?" asked Harry slowly "On a flying horse? She's only ten."

"She was wearing some of Daphne's old hunting armour, and used a kiddie spear. And they only went after boar. A few days of practice and she'll bag her first kill."

"Roxanne…. Is taking Lily hunting boar on an Abraxan?" asked Harry incredulously, thinking of his erstwhile mother-in-law, who he'd never seen in anything but a formal robe or ball dress.

"Well, its' not safe to hunt them on foot at her age" said Cyrus "And it's only boar, not Pooka or Gryphons or something ridiculous."

"Come on, they're in the drawing room, Roxanne's getting her to paint" said Cyrus.

Harry followed Cyrus through the quite large and grand hallway to the Drawing room door. He followed Cyrus into a room he vaguely remembered from a few arguments decades ago. The walls were still covered in animated Chinese silk paintings, but the furniture had been re-covered in yellow and white stripes. Lily stood in her white dress, wearing a pinafore over it, standing at an easel, carefully painting a scene with a paintbrush. Roxanne Greengrass stood by her, nodding "Good, good. Try to paint the movement of the tree cover as you flew" she said.

Lily looked up "Hi Dad, Grandmama took me hunting, but I missed the pig."

"Boar dear, we were hunting boar" said Roxanne, in an immaculate dress.

"Yes Grandmama" she said. "Grandpa Cyrus, thank you for dinner" said Lily.

"It's Grandpapa" said Cyrus "But a good effort. I was telling your father you're coming here every weekday till Hogwarts for lessons."

"Cool" said Lily in a much more lily-like tone.

"Ahem" coughed Roxanne.

"I... look forward to it" said Lily.

"Exactly." said Roxanne, and she smiled at Lily quite… kindly.

"Have you eaten, Department head Potter?" asked Roxanne.

"I have not, I came to get Lily in time for dinner" said Harry, furrowing his brows.

"Well Lily ate an hour ago, she was famished after this afternoons efforts. She will likely fall asleep before nine at this rate."

"Lily's not usually asleep before ten" said Harry.

"Oh I'm quite tired dad" admitted Lily. "Grandmama made me curry the Abraxan and my arms nearly fell off."

"Because caring for your mount is part of riding it" said Roxanne.

"Did Daphne ride Abraxans?" asked Harry curiously.

"Well duh dad, I was in mum Blacks' armour from when she was ten" said Lily. Harry couldn't reconcile riding on Abraxans with Daphne Greengrass, who'd seemed so mouse-like twenty years ago, and had burst in like an angry witch this morning. Well, he could imagine that angry witch apparating around and hexing people, but not riding a large flying horse.

"Well I'll cook something simple when I get home" said Harry.

"Knippet!" said Roxanne sharply and a house-elf in a green toga appeared soundlessly next to Roxanne

"Yes mistress?" asked the house-elf.

"Dinner for Daphne's husband in the dining room." said Roxanne.

"Right away mistress!" said Knippett and popped off.

"'S nice" said Lily.

"Ahem" harrumphed Roxanne.

"Dinner was quite nice, you'll like it" said Lily, and Roxanne said "Now we'll change the board and you can paint another picture."

"But I've done five, Grandmamma" protested Lily.

"You're building up finger strength and coordination for wandwork" said Roxanne "And being able to whip off a quick watercolour is an accomplishment, like being able to hunt boar or sing. Do you sing dear?"

"Grandma Weasley has us sing along to Clestina Warbeck" said Lily.

"Oh dear" said Roxanne aghast, "Well, another card, come on, NEWT's in charms don't earn themselves."

Harry was directed by Cyrus's pointing hand to the door, and Harry remembered where the dining room was.

The décor in the dining room had changed in twenty years, and the single place setting at the foot of the table was clearly for Harry.

Harry stood around aimlessley, and Cyrus finally snapped "Sit down and let the elf serve you"

"I uh, didn't know" admitted Harry.

He sat down and the soup plate filled silently with green soup.

"Well, eat up" said Cyrus "Roxanne's quite taken with Lily, as you can see. We'd vastly have preferred you made a grandchild with Daphne, but house elves can't be minster for magic."

Harry tried the soup; it was cold, but somehow tasted okay. He tried some more; it was better than the sandwich seven hours ago.

Harry ate and Cyrus leaned against the sideboard, finally asking "So are we going to get to see the boys? Albus we're told is a Slytherin. Shame about James."

"The boys… aren't speaking to me" admitted Harry "They're angry about their mum."

"People have killed their fathers over less" said Cyrus blandly "Though yours will be law-abiding, you're the head of DMLE after all."

"Daphne hasn't spoken to you in years" snapped Harry "So you're one to talk."

"No, no she hasn't" admitted Cyrus "And in hindsight, it was too much to hope that you'd honour your end of the deal. You didn't even pay the bride price."

"So did you speak to her today?" asked Harry.

"Of course not." said Cyrus. "How insulting. She's spent twenty years suffering because of me, the least I can do is suffer along."

Harry ate cold green soup, unable to understand what Cyrus was thinking.

"So… Roxanne talked to Daphne?" asked Harry.

"They have to; the boy Malfoy's hanging around with bad influences at school."

"Al is not a bad influence" said Harry angrily "My son is a fine young man. He just… won't speak to me that's all."

"They're always getting detentions" said Cyrus "Not very fine"

"What detentions?" asked Harry "I've never heard about this?"

"Your soon-to-be-ex-wife must have been concealing them." said Cyrus "Probably thought you'd be unreasonable about it."

"I would not be unreasonable about detentions" said Harry "I had a lot of detentions at Hogwarts."

"And didn't graduate with a single NEWT" said Cyrus "Yet made it to head of the DMLE."

"I…. I had no idea the contact would leave Daphne stuck" said Harry.

"Don't bother lying. You're punishing her and me, and that's almost understandable. For a complete boor who takes a dowry and doesn't even give the poor girl a wedding night."

"She certainly didn't seem interested" said Harry.

"She was terrified of you, and trying to be respectable. Not like some red-haired fangirl snogging you in the great hall and dragging you off" said Cyrus.

Harry finished the soup and put his spoon down. The bowl vanished with a pop, and a minute later, with a pop, a plate of some sort of pink fish in sauce with a fiddly looking salad appeared.

"Salmon and seasonal salad. Bon appétit" said Cyrus.

Harry ate the… quite nice fish and salad slowly. Not just soup then.

"I hoped, marrying Daphne to you, that the undesirable elements would be frightened off from both my girls" said Cyrus "And then you left Daphne at Grimmauld place, and Malfoy's get snagged my youngest. And killed her, trying to have a bigger family."

"I'm sorry. You should have said, I'd have gone and put the frighteners on Malfoy" said Harry.

"The head of the DMLE casually says he'll put the frighteners on someone" said Cyrus "Twenty years and one dead daughter too late. Silly girl wanted so badly to provide an heir to both houses, and her health had always been…troubled."

"One son, that's all it would have taken, I mean she's clever, nine newts, straight teeth and she wasn't even twenty. Prime age for brides, takes after her mother, who has aged well. But not good enough for you, so I've got one bitter spinster daughter, and one dead one." said Cyrus bitterly.

"Well she was gleeful this morning" said Harry.

"Yes well, after your divorce, you'll need to be on her good side. If she has one any more" said Cyrus "Roxanne mentioned fragments of her plan, and it's a credit to her house."

"Greengrass or Black?" asked Harry.

"Slytherin" said Cyrus "You hung her out to dry of twenty years, and now she's got the whip hand."

Harry finished the salad, and the plate slid away, to be replaced with a pop by a small plate with a piece of Treacle Tart with cream.

"Your daughter insisted dessert for Daddy has to be treacle tart. Ghastly stuff" said Cyrus. "But you always were an oik."

"I'd never had it before Hogwarts" admitted Harry "It reminds me of meals in the great hall, warm dorms, soft beds and simpler days."

"You're a sentimental fool, who can also torture a woman for twenty years. That's worse somehow" said Cyrus.

Harry ate the treacle tart anyway; which was somehow tangier than treacle, and hint of oranges.

"This is really good" Harry admitted, feeling full.

"Well I've fed you, Our grandchild will probably be conking out soon" said Cyrus.

"How are you so sure?"

"I was raising children when you were one, boy" said Cyrus. "Knowing how to wear out energetic young witches is a handy thing to know, even if her sister was always sickly."

"Why?" asked Harry "Why was she sickly?"

Cyrus's lips thinned "That's none of your dammed business" he snapped.

"Do I need to open a murder investigation for Astoria Malfoy?" asked Harry. "I can."

"It was a family matter" said Cyrus.

"I'm family, and head of the DMLE. Which hat would you rather talk to ?" asked Harry.

"The Greengrasses suffer from a blood malediction. It skips some members, and it skipped Daphne. Astoria was always weak, tired easily, and they typically die young. Large families aren't safe." said Cyrus. "And that's a family matter, so you can't go telling the damn world"

"And Daphne's children? If she had some?" asked Harry.

"Probably fine" said Cyrus, "It often skips multiple generations."

"So not fine, and inherited" said Harry "not-so-pure-blood then."

"Don't say that, or I'll have Roxanne tell Daphne to ruin you. It's a curse not a weakness."

"And it's incurable" said Harry evenly "And who cast it"?

"We're not sure. It's been in the family for a long time" admitted Cyrus "Centuries. There's a family story we had a betrothal to a powerful family go wrong, and they cursed us and our get."

"A curse that lasts centuries?" asked Harry "I've got a few ideas immediately."

"What?" asked Cyrus.

"Remember the Hogwarts curse on the Defence Professor's job?" asked Harry.

"Yes, it started in the early seventies, and ended at the end of the war" said Cyrus "But that's only twenty years. This curse has been on my family for ten or more times that."

Harry nodded "Have you got some really old, precious objects that are always at the house?"

"We've had everything tested for curses. Even the building, the floor , the damn wallpaper." said Cyrus.

"I helped end the Defence curse" said Harry "That curse was… quite subtle."

"You were curse-breaker at seventeen?" asked Cyrus sarcastically.

"No" said Harry "I killed a dark lord at seventeen, and just got rid of a few his curses along the way."

"You turned up after a year, played possum and cast a disarming charm." said Cyrus.

"Officially" said Harry "Unofficially I'm the reason Gringotts got a new roof, the Ministry nearly exploded, and a few other things."

"You… were doing things in the year you skipped school?"

"Classified things." said Harry "Hardly anyone's allowed to know. Given a choice between what I had to do and beating Grindlewald, I'd choose Grindelwald. Knowing how Dumbledore did that, well… you've read the book." said Harry, shaking his head.

"How do you know I've read the book?" asked Cyrus.

"Everyone's read the book" retorted Harry. "And the bits that aren't in the book about me and Dumbledore, well… Ginny got me to call the boy Albus. I insisted in Severus."

"She doesn't know?"

"It's very classified. Four, maybe five people know, to stop the next Voldemort. We got lucky, he got cocky and a few chances went my way." said Harry.

"You… still keep an eye out?"

"Hermione, Ron and I" said Harry. "We're three of the four, Kingsley's one more... and there might be one more I don't know of. I got a hundred percent in my Auror placement exam. Mad-eye moody got ninety-nine."

"Roxanne has recounted Daphne's stories of you callousness, I can believe it" said Cyrus.

Harry went home with Lily, who sat on the living room couch reading when Harry tried to catch up with paperwork, only to turn and find Lily asleep in the patchwork rug … it wasn't even nine yet. Harry levitated her up to her bed, and tucked her in. She looked so cute, her freckles, her flame red hair, her green eyes. The best of both of us, Harry thought nostalgically, and left the bedroom.

He went to sleep in his messed up bedroom. The scent of yesterday's sex tugging at his nose.

Harry woke up and got out of bed. With no witch around being mum, Harry had Lily's breakfast on the plate at seven, ate his own and woke her up at seven thirty. His little girl yawned like a green-eyed child Ginny "It's early" she protested.

"I've got to work, and you seemed to enjoy visiting the Greengrasses.

"They're a bit posh" said Lily self-consciously. "We're not posh."

"No dear, we're Potters and we're not posh. Breakfast is on your plate" said Harry.

"Dad, why don't you like mum Black, She's pretty?" asked Lily.

Harry rolled his eyes "There's more to liking someone than them being pretty."

"Grandpapa and Grandmama are nice" added Lily "And there's fun stuff to do."

Harry sighed "People like the Greengrasses were behind the last war. They are biased again muggleborns."

"But you're a halfblood and mums a pure-blood. Mum blacks' a pure-blood, and us kids' we're all pure-bloods. Cousin Rose isn't, obviously, but Aunty Hermione's Minister for Magic. It doesn't seem to matter."

"It did before the war" said Harry "We've been changing things. Well mostly Aunty Hermione."

"Mum Black seems to think we're all okay, and wasn't rude to Aunty Hermione."

"She was before you woke up" said Harry cautiously "Very rude."

"But isn't mum Black really angry with you?" asked Lily "And Mum left. Is every witch angry with you?" she asked.

Harry tried to think of a good answer to that. "Um… all the ones near me, yes" said Harry "The things with Aunty Hermione and your mum… it can't be helped, it's just how our hearts feel."

"Mum Black has been cross with you the whole time I've been alive" observed Lily.

"Well, she thought she was getting one kind of man, and well I'm different to what she thought" said Harry.
"Won't kiss her, and no birthday presents. A really bad husband" said Lily surely.

"If... our marriage had been normal, the kind with divorce, we would have just dissolved it after a few days" said Harry.

"Mum Black said you're prolonging her suffering. What does she mean?" asked Lily, hoovering up the last of her breakfast.

"I uh… didn't snog her when we got married and she can't snog anyone else." said Harry. "So she's cross."

"She said you gave her a really mouldy old house?" asked Lily.

"Well yeah" admitted Harry.

"Dad, are you really an arsehole?" asked Harry's ten-year-old daughter.

"Sometimes Lily, I think I am sometimes" said Harry, thinking about how cross Hermione was with him.

"Are you going to kiss and make up with mum Black?" asked Lily "She can't leave so she's a good mum in that respect."

Kids, Harry thought, say the darndest things.

He took Lily to Watermeadows by floo, his bad knee failing him and tipping him onto the floor.

Harry clambered up and Lily yelled "Grandmama!" very loudly. It was amazing how loud she could be.

Roxanne glided in wearing a fancy robe "Lily, and You" she said "Remember she'll be fed and tired tonight."

"Yes" agreed Harry "She was asleep before nine."

"Dad woke me at seven thirty. Isn't that child abuse?" asked Lily.

"I believe for daughters it is" said Roxanne "Daphne is certainly not a morning person without coffee."

"Maybe I should drink coffee?" asked Lily, sounding interested.

"I don't think you're old enough dear" said Roxanne "Once you're a woman, then you can have coffee and a croissant for breakfast. At a civilised hour like ten or eleven. Sadly Hogwarts will make you wake at eight at the latest. Your father is teaching you a valuable yet horrible skill at waking at seven thirty."

"Aunty Fleur makes croissants" said Lily "They're funny."

"Fleur Weasley née Delacour, Gringotts Cursebreaker" explained Harry.

"M. Delacour's daughter? I heard she married and English wizard, but a Weasley?"

"There are a lot of Weasleys and Bill, who's also a curse-breaker got twelve newts" said Harry.

"You have none, and do not please my daughter. I will teach your delightful daughter, you will come back for dinner at perhaps seven" said Roxanne briskly.

"Will she be here?"

"Of course not. She's not speaking to Cyrus, and I've heard from Lily about your cooking."

"I'm a good cook" Harry protested.

"A boring cook" corrected Roxanne.

Harry went to work.

-==0=-

It was nearly time for a late, dry sandwich when a tabby cat Patronus dashed into his office and Minerva McGonagall's voice spoke from it "Come to Hogwarts. Albus is missing."

Harry blinked, his heart felt like it had stopped. Al missing? Hogwarts was boringly safe these days. He told his secretary, Steve, he was going to Hogwarts on a personal matter, and sent a Patronus to Hermione, telling her "Gone to Hogwarts, Albus is missing."

Harry opened his desk drawer, took out his Auror badge, the one he should have handed back, and dashed to the nearby Auror's fireplace.

He dashed floo powder into the fire, said "Hogwarts" shakily and stepped into the green flames.

He landed well, and steadied himself in Minerva's Office. It was still round, still had the same desk, in front of which a row of wooden-backed wooden chairs with tartan padded seats sat in a neat row.

"Minerva? What's going on?" Harry asked, rather more breathlessly than was appropriate for the head of the DMLE.

"Albus missed a class this morning, and then a second one, and lunch. We called on the paintings, and they report he was last seen… last night."

"Last night?" asked Harry "Where?"

"Slytherin common room at roughly eight thirty, going to bed." said Minerva.

"Bed not slept in?" asked Harry mechanically.

"No, and Scorpious Malfoy is also missing" said Minerva.

"Al and the Malfoy Boy, missing?" asked Harry. "And the paintings know nothing, and the ghosts?"

"Nothing. They never left the dorms" said Minerva. "I've called the boy's family."

"Malfoy probably doesn't care" said Harry.

Harry was offered a seat, and he stood, fretting. What to do, he wondered.

The fireplace flared green and an extremely dishevelled Draco Malfoy staggered out, unshaven, hair a mess, clothes pulled on all anyhow, eyes red "Where's my boy" he cried, and Harry had a horrible flashback to Mr Diggory, asking after poor dead Cedric in fourth year. The sound… the tone of voice of a parent out of their mind with grief. Harry's stretched nerves jangled and his foot started to jiggle.

"Mister Potter, I do understand you're very busy" said Minerva, "But if you or Mr Malfoy have any idea where the boys might have gone? Some private lodge warded against owls for example?"

"Warded Against Owls" said Draco croakily "You sent an owl"?

"With a portkey" said Minerva "The owl could not find a bearing to them"

"Under a fidelius?" asked Harry.

"Why don't you say under a fairly mound instead, Potty" said Draco Malfoy sourly.

A silvery ghostly Otter swam into the room and spoke with Hermione's voice "Minerva, I heard from Harry about Albus, and got the file, which said Albus and Scorpius. I'm sending capable reinforcements."

"Great Granger's sticking her face where it doesn't belong, like anywhere" said Draco.

"Minister Granger-Weasley has my almost complete confidence" said Minerva stiffly "She has made a bourach of her personal life recently"

"Your wife is where, America?" asked Draco "So no chance of a weasel infestation."

The floor flared and a woman stepped out in travelling robes and flicked her hood back. It was Daphne … Black "Minerva, Granger has told me my nephew and half-son are missing. When were they last seen?"

"Last night" said Harry.

"Half son?" asked Draco.

"Last night? In dorms?" asked Daphne.

"In the Slytherin common room, going off to bed at eight thirty" said Minerva.

"Seems early for Scorpius" said Daphne.

"Probably doing homework" said Draco.

"They'd been doing homework" said Minerva. "And an owl can't find them with a portkey."
"I can find them if they're still nearby" said Harry "Can I get James?"

"I… suppose he needs to be told" said Minerva, and Harry wondered at that; surely he'd know where his kid brother was. Would have not seen him at breakfast.

Harry cast a patronus charm and sent Prongs off to James with "Come to headmistresses office. Bring map."

"He really can cast it, and it's corporal" said Daphne "What a big one."

Draco snorted "Only big thing about him, except for his ego"

"Shut it Malfoy" snapped Harry.

Much later, the door opened and James Potter came in nervously clutching a piece of parchment "Dad? You're here?" asked James, eyes darting around.

"Your Brother has been unseen since eight thirty last night" said Minerva tightly "And your father thinks he can find him."

"What?" asked James "Where?"

"Slytherin dorms" said Draco "How does ratty used parchment find my son?"

"Are you Scopius's mum?" asked James of Daphne and Harry winced.

"I'm his aunt, and I look after him while his father mourns my sister by drinking himself to death." said Daphne "I'll be talking you later, young man."

"Dad, who's that?" asked James.

"Daphne Black" said Harry "But that's not important right now. Get the map going."

"In front of the Headmistress dad? Isn't that against the rules? Like fucking another man's wife?" snapped James.

"Put the damn map on the damn table. We need to find your brother" snapped Harry angrily "You can hate me for divorcing your mother later, once he's safe."

"Arsehole" muttered James, and put the parchment on the headmistresses desk and tapped it saying "I solemnly swear I'm up to no good". The parchment transformed into the folded map, and James unfolded it saying "This is family heirloom that finds everyone in the castle and grounds. Grandpa James and Sirius Black and Remus Lupin made it."

"The Marauders made a map" said Minerva "Great, and Harry, you gave this to your son!" she snapped.

"It's a tradition, and …." James stopped. He'd unfolded the map for 'The Headmasters office' and there were five dots. James Potter, Draco Malfoy, Minerva McGonagall, Daphne Black and Harry Potter-Black. "Dad, why does the map think your names is Potter-Black"

"Because it is" said Daphne. "Has been since he turned seventeen. He inherited the Black family residences, vaults and name."

"Stolen from me" said Draco bitterly.

"Shut it Malfoy" hissed Harry "Look in the corner towers, odd bits; and check the secret passages, maybe they're holed up."

"Dad" said James "There's something else."

"There's a lot of things James, but get looking" said Harry angrily "Now is not the time"

"The cloak is gone" said James, and Harry couldn't breathe. "What?" he choked. "Your trunk is theft-proof. Only family can open it. When did you last see it?"

"Um, it was definitely there yesterday lunchtime when I... got the afternoons books" said James.

"Shit shit shit shit" said Harry "Albus has the cloak. No wonder the paintings saw nothing."

"What cloak?" asked Minerva "I presume you have irresponsibly purchased your son an invisibility cloak?"

"It's a family heirloom" protested James and Harry snapped "One more word out of you boy and you'll be de-gnoming Mrs Weasleys garden all summer. We never talk about the cloak."

"Way to keep a secret, Potter" snarked Malfoy. "A worn out invisibility cloak."

"It's in good condition" said Harry "fortunately the map can still detect you with it."

"Potter, why have you got an heirloom invisibility cloak? From the Blacks?" asked Daphne "And the charms work on the map is fantastic."

"It's a Potter cloak" said Harry "Can we just check all the towers please."

After thirty minutes of peering and unfolding, the adults stopped. James kept looking.

"He can't have vanished" said James nervously.

"So my boy and your boy are under an invisibility cloak somewhere" said Draco.

"Maybe they're gay" said Daphne evenly.

"They're twelve, they're a bit young for that" said Harry.

"I was kissing girls when I was twelve" said Draco.

"Pansy" said Daphne "You kissed Pansy – please make me Mrs Malfoy – Parkinson when you were twelve, and she hated it."

"Children please" said Minerva "We've learnt a lot, surely we can work out what they were doing?"

"I need a tracker" said Harry "And I know… I don't want to call him in."

"A tracker?" asked Minerva "How?"

"Aurors secret" said Harry "Malfoy, spill this and I'll just void your suspended parole and put you in Azkaban, in your fathers old Cell."

Draco stared at Harry "You're a sick bastard" he said. "And at least you're not the head of Black. He sent me a card and flowers when my father died of perfectly treatable pneumonia."

"I am the head and I did not send it" said Harry bluntly.

"On your behalf" coughed Daphne.

"What… I haven't got time for this…" said Harry, and he cast another Patronus charm, the stag appearing from a jet of silvery mist. Harry spoke to it "Ron Weasley, Auror Weasley, tracking work, lost children, missing since nine last night, Hogwarts. Priority One, I don't care." The stag stamped impatiently, snorted and took off in a massive leap, it's back rippling with muscles.

"He's bringing moron Weasley, this will be fun" said Draco.

James had left the room to go to class when the fireplace flared with green flames and Ron Weasley, in Auror armour and studded gloves stepped out.

"Oh fuck" said Ron "Almost everyone I hate in one room."

"Auror Weasley, Albus Potter and Scorpius Malfoy are missing since eight thirty in the Slytherin dorms. They have the cloak and are not on the map. Owls can't find them." said Harry sternly.

"The paintings, ghosts?" asked Ron automatically.

"Nothing, Auror Weasley" said Minerva.

"My kids are on a tracking clock" said Ron. "But Harry fucking-my-wife Potter's kid needs found."

"And Malfoy's" said Daphne.

"Greengrass, what are you doing here?"

"I'm Scorpius's aunt" she said and glanced at Harry who shook his head. "He's all I've got left of my sister, and Albus is family too."

Harry dashed over and closed up the map.

"You've got the map, well that will come in handy" said Ron. "Arsehole."

"Slytherin common room exterior entrance" said Harry.

Ron nodded "I'm going to beat your face in when this is over, you know that?"

"There's a queue for hating Potter, Weasley. Get in line" said Daphne.

They walked briskly down to the dungeons, Ron leading the way all the way to the disguised door to the Slytherin common room.

"How does he know where it is?" asked Draco.

"We've known since second year" said Harry. "Auror Weasley, we need red."

Ron suddenly shrank into a ginger blob that became a small Jack Russell Terrier.

"Weasley's an Animagus. Now I've seen everything" said Daphne.

Red the dog sniffed around the door, and started walking in neat expanding circles around the doorway, sniffing intently "Bark" went the dog and trotted off.

"He's a dog. Of course he is" muttered Draco, reaching into his robes pocket and taking out a silver hip-flask, which he opened and took a drink from.

"Draco, you're looking for your son, not drinking yourself into a stupor" said Daphne.

"Mr Malfoy, if you would postpone your celebratory drinks, I might not have to transfigure your flask into something painful" said Minerva stiffly.

The Jack Russell terrier ran along the corridor, retracing their path back to the ground floor, then heading for the front door "Bark" went the dog.

"They went out at night" said Harry "Great."

Ten minutes later they gazed at the whomping willow, and the Dog changed back into Ron, like watching a bush grow very quickly.

"They almost certainly went to the shack" said Ron. "Idiots."

Harry waved his wand and the tree froze.

"Cool trick" said Draco "Can you freeze your mouth too?"

"Mostly women's hearts" said Daphne.

"God, did he screw around with you too?" asked Ron.

"Far from it, Weasley" said Daphne bitterly.

"Well, do you four know what you're doing?" asked Minerva "Patronus me if you need me, but I do have a school to run." she started to turn and walk off.

"We're going to the shrieking shack, there's a tunnel under the willow, but the opening's quite small" said Ron. Harry waved his wand and an overpowered gouging charm ripped a huge hole, enlarging the hole under the tree to adult proportions.

"Try not to destroy our Willow tree again" said Minerva, starting at Harry and sounding pained.

Harry walked forward and crouched, slipping down the tunnel out of sight.

"Ladies first" said Draco.

After a lot of crawling in the bid, all four were stumbling by wand-light along a dirt tunnel, roots hanging from the ceiling.

"Why is this here?" asked Malfoy. "It's a security risk."

"Historical reasons to do with safety" said Harry.

"Dumbledore plans" said Ron "Long expired."

Harry climbed the ladder into the basement of the shack by wand-light, Daphne following holding her robes awkwardly, Malfoy saying "Oh Daphne, but you have such nice legs, or you did."

"Shut it Malfoy" said Harry. "And no" he said to Daphne "Not on your life."

"Not on his life" said Daphne. "Alcoholics aren't my type."

Ron finished climbing the ladder and flowed back onto being a Jack Russell terrier, which sniffed once and barked, then ran over to the stairs and sniffed and barked again, changing back into Ron

"They were here last night, and someone else, a female, and the female left, but they didn't" said Ron.

"My boy" said Malfoy proudly "And only twelve."

"Draco, shut it" said Daphne, and Ron climbed the steps cautiously "They're getting a bit rotten" he cautioned from halfway up.

"When were you last here?" asked Draco.

"Ninety eight" said Harry "ninety-three for Ron."

"What is wrong with you two?" asked Draco "Why explore rotten shacks, when there's a castle, with lights, plumbing and food?"

Ron must have transformed into a dog again as he gave a bark from upstairs.

Daphne set off quickly, followed by Draco and then, slowly, Harry, who'd started to favour his good knee.

They arrived in the first, battered room of the shack and Ron said "They came here, met a female who'd come in earlier, probably talked at this sort of distance," Ron indicated Draco and Daphne who stood about two feet apart "then she left, and they… went nowhere.

"So someone they knew but weren't kissing, sorry Draco" said Harry sarcastically.

"They vanished?" asked Daphne. "Apparition traces?"

Harry cast a spell and blue mist filled the room evenly till Harry dispelled it "No apparation traces; though last night is a long time"

"There's be a little curl in the mist even now" said Ron. "They were side by side like apparation, but the floors' not scuffed, just kids footprints. The girls late teens by her shoe-prints."

Draco lowered his wand to the floor and looked at the very few footprints.

Daphne lowered her wand and looked at the girls footprints "Button heel boot; that's a fashionable young witch" she said "Auror Weasley, can you identify her again?"

"Piece of cake" said Ron "Can't use scent evidence in court without doing a potions prep and having the lab do it" he said, bending over and taking a small knife out of his robe and scraping some dust into an envelope.

"Sighted" said Harry.

"Sealed" said Ron, closing the envelope and writing on it 'Suspect one, Potter Malfoy case'

"Where did they go?" asked Draco "A portkey?"

"The mist gets really messed up by portkeys" said Ron "It's like they just vanished."

"When" said Harry "Maybe they went when not where."

"There are no time turners left" said Ron.

"Not exactly" said Daphne, and she cast a jet of grey smoke that she fanned across the room, until it seemed to get sucked into in an invisible hole and started being sucked away as fast as her wand made it.

"Temporal disturbance" she said "Unlicensed time turner use, Aurors, DMLE."

"Fuck" said Draco "That stupid stupid boy" he cursed.

"What?" asked Harry.

"To remember my stupid father, I kept his stupidest ever project. A time turner that could go back years. It never worked properly, and he'd wanted to use it do the obvious thing" said Draco.

"You kept an unlicensed, custom time turner, are you insane?" asked Daphne casually "Because the consequences start at people vanishing, and go all the way to destroying reality as we know it. And if the department of Mysteries finds out, they'll send Aurors on a code black, kill and fiendfyre. You fucking idiot. Not enough to kill my sister, you had to … ARGH!"

"Malfoy?" asked Harry "Where do you keep that universe destroying trinket?"

"In a safe in the second secret storage room" said Draco "I'm not totally stupid."

"Could have fooled me" muttered Ron "Fucking time travel? Hermione will blow her top."

"She's too busy blowing Potter" said Draco.

"Why keep it?" said Harry.

"Every time I miss my father really badly, I take it out and look at it and think. What a fucking idiot. We could all have died."

"Or worse, been expelled" quipped Ron. Harry snorted.

"And he never used it?" asked Harry.

"By the time it was finished, Father was on the outs with dark lord, and being used for torture practice. Not a lot of motivation to save the dark lord." said Draco.

"Imagine that" said Ron "Lucius Malfoy saving old Voldy from… say, marking Harry there"

"Oh fuck" said Harry "They're going to change history, aren't they?"

"My son is a little… gullible" admitted Malfoy.

"Sucker for a pretty face and a sob story" said Daphne. "And Albus?"

"Has impulse issues, and hates my guts" said Harry honestly.

"Just like you then" said Draco.

The adults and Harry stood thinking for a bit.

"When would they go?" asked Draco.

"Depends who they're trying to help" said Harry "There's a chance they're trying to save his mother."

"Who knows about the time-turner?" asked Harry.

"Very few of the inner circle" said Draco "And they're all dead."

"Shit" said Harry "It's someone trying to bring him back, related to the inner circle."

"They're all in Azkaban, or right here" said Ron.

"True" said Harry.

"Find the girl" said Daphne. "I'm getting some proper help" she said And apparated away with a loud crack.

"What?" asked Ron.

"Well, the girl knows what they were doing" said Draco "Find the girl, and we know what."

Ron scratched his chin.

There was a crack of apparation and a grey-robed figure in grey gloves appeared, repeated the grey smoke spell and started to buzz in a semblance of human speech "Authorisation code black seven nine, priority hippogirff" it buzzed.

"Fuck" said Ron "She's one of them."

"Cool party trick Daphne" said Draco.

Harry shook his head "Why me. why does it have to me be."

"It's you immense ego, that's why" said Draco "Cool transfiguration, Daphne."

"That's an Unspeakable" said Harry "We don't say names."

"Slicer" buzzed the Unspeakable.

"Unspeakable slicer" said Harry "How nice. Well, we're going back to Hogwarts and Ron's going to sniff out the girl, then we question her. With veritasssium, and if she's lucky, she lives."

"What do you mean Potter, if she's lucky, she lives?" asked Draco.

"If... it's premeditated time travel… that's a summary death sentence" said Harry. "Lets hope she's just stupid, or wants HER mother back."

Ron pointed a wand at the side of the shack and blasted it off in a groan of wood.

"Why didn't we do that to come in? We could have avoided the mud" said Draco.

"Evidence" said Ron, pulling a broom out of a size-expanded pocket. Harry undid his shirt collar, took off his tie and pocketed it, pulling out a small pouch, that he pulled a broom out of after his whole arm disappeared into it.

"My, they are prepared for everything" twitted Draco.

Ron got on his broom, and Harry his "Slicer, with me, Ron's broom is Auror issue and can carry two men"

Slicer reluctantly sat stiffly almost on the bristles and grabbed Harry with grey gloves.

Draco climbed on Ron's much bigger broom and hung on "Weasleys is bigger" said Draco "But we always knew that."

The two brooms took off and Harry and Ron flew quickly back to the castle, stopping on the front steps.

"Dinner" said Harry, checking his watch "Time's on our side for once."

The four figures, stowing brooms entered the noisy great hall, children talking and eating loudly.

Harry waved his wand and the doors behind him closed with a bang then he held the wand-point to his neck "Minerva, we're searching for contraband. Nobody leaves."

Ron walked along both sides of the Slytherin table, and looked confused to find nothing, finally stunning a pretty silver haired seventh year girl at the Hufflepuff table.

"Who's that" asked Harry as Ron levitated her to the back room behind the high table.,

"Delphini Diggory, Amo's niece" said Minerva "What exactly has Miss Diggory done?"

"Got the boys into too much trouble" said Harry, and the three adults entered the back room, Harry shutting the door. Ron had the girl in a body-bind on a chair, and was getting out a small box from his robes. "This is her" said Ron.

"Delphini Diggory, Amos Diggory's Niece, Cedric's dad" said Harry.

"Oh" said Ron "No guesses what the boys are trying to do then?"

"Verify" buzzed Slicer in a distorted voice.

Ron pulled the girls mouth open and poured in three drops, and cast "Rennervate"

The girl shuddered and sat up "What?" she said groggily.

"What is your name" said Ron in a bored tone.

"Dephini Riddle" she said.

"Oh fuck" said Harry "She's not Diggory's niece"

"Who are your parents?" asked Harry.

"Bellatrix LeStrange and Lord Voldemort" she said proudly.

"Your fathers real name is Tom Marvolo Riddle" said Harry "And he's half-bood, his mother was a Gaunt."

Harry turned to slicer "This is classified extreme black seven authentication code Horcrux" said Harry, and Slicer recoiled "What" it buzzed.

"Never mind." said Harry "Miss riddle, what do you trick the boys into doing?"

"Going back in time to save Cedric Diggory by hurting him in the maze. Harry Potter will arrive alone and be defeated" she said.

"She's an idiot" said Harry "And our boys are gullible. But this is premeditated time tampering."

"And she's family" buzzed Slicer. "Lucky you"

"Stun her, bag her and tag her" said Harry. "The paperwork for this… and obviation for Malfoy."

"But the boys?" asked Draco.

"Probably lost in time" buzzed Slicer. "What will the effect be?"

"I'll have less nightmares" said Harry blandly "And probably finish things quicker, but the final battle is too much down to luck and coincidences already. We need to stop it somehow. Slicer ?"

"No" buzzed the unspeakable. "No time turners are intact."

"That's… not entirely true" said Draco "But… I daren't use it."

"What the fuck?" asked Harry.

"After the one that the boys stole, I got one that worked made. To… to go back and save her" said Draco.

"You fucking idiot" said Harry. "So you looked at Daddy's one and then think I'm smarter?"

"It's never been used, and it goes back years and won't pop back after a few minutes" said Draco.

"Where" buzzed Slicer.

"In my bedroom, inside a Faberge egg" said Draco "I read up on time magic after I found Father's one, and Nott made one that actually works. He is a clever bastard."

"He's in Azkaban for resisting arrest, violently. That's not smart" said Harry.

"He bought time, so I could sneak in and destroy all the notes before you searched his office" said Draco.

"So the only person who knows how to make them is in Azkaban for life?" asked Ron "Neat."

"And they cost a lot" said Draco "It's mostly platinum and fairy dust. A hundred drachms of fairy dust."

"Theodore Nott is an insane genius" buzzed Slicer. "A Termination order will be sought"

"Fuck, she doesn't mess around" said Ron.

"It's time travel Ron. That shit's dangerous" said Harry.

"And I know, which is why I never dared use it, I have to stay for my boy" said Draco, sniffing.

"Well he's lost in time now. What do we do?" asked Ron.

"We wait a few days" buzzed Slicer. "To let the timeline settle"

"My son is at great risk of dying" said Harry "The maze isn't that dangerous, but there's Barty Crouch Junior, death eater polyjuiced as Mad-Eye Moody stamping around and he can see through the maze. The boys don't stand a chance" said Harry glumly. "And tampering with the bits where I confront Riddle, that will probably end up with me not managing it at the final battle"

"You're admitting it was a fluke?" asked Draco "If my son hadn't just been lost I'd be ecstatic"

"Give egg" buzzed Slicer.

"Oh, yeah" said Draco "I'm cooperating with the authorities, please don't void my parole, they could come back… soon."

Harry took the group to the infirmary, where they took the bagged Miss riddle to the DMLE and filed her in Harry's desk drawer.

"Just for now" said Harry. Slicer left, while Ron went with Draco to Malfoy Manor. Harry sat at his desk and looked at the photograph of his children, and Ginny. The all smiled and waved. Relics of a happier time.

Harry sat and tried to think how to tell Lily her brother was missing presumed lost in time.

He opened the other desk drawer and looked at the bottle of Firewhiskey. Not yet.

He did some simple paperwork, carefully reading everything before signing it.

Slicer, or another unspeakable came into his office and buzzed out "Slicer"

Harry nodded.

Draco and Ron reappeared, Draco cradling a white leather box. He put it down on Harry's desk and opened it, revealing a green jewelled egg with gold and pearl decorations.

"It's inside" said Draco.

Slicer tapped the egg with their wand and it slowly vanished, revealing a golden pocket-watch like device , which Slicer scooped off the desk with one hand, and then incanted a spell, un-vanisihing the Faberge egg.

"I was going to break it" said Draco "Symbolically" he added, but did the leather box up and went to leave.

"Draco?" asked Harry "We'll get your boy back."

"When? How?" said Draco.

Slicer held the watch in one gloved hand "My task" they buzzed.

Harry shook his head "Dangerous, cockamanie plans are a Weasley-Potter speciality" he said.

Ron sighed "One last impossible adventure huh?"

"Yeah something like that" said Harry.

"No" said Ron "You betrayed me, and this has all the hallmarks of a pure Harry Potter adventure. You know the maze, you can work it out."

"Wrong approach" buzzed Slicer pocketing the pocket-watch "Wait a week, eliminate Miss Riddle."

"We don't know where she was born, or when and Bellatrix was incredibly dangerous and Delphini would have been handed off to a trustworthy dark family." said Harry.

"Ask her" said Ron. "We could… just Veritassum her all day."

"It's lethal at those doses" said Harry.

"She's on a death sentence for tampering with time anyway" said Ron.

"Wow, Weasley, that's cold" said Draco. "You really will kill her to find out."

"Oh come on" said Ron "Where were you born, when, where did you spend your childhood?. Easy questions."

Delphini Riddle had been born at Malfoy Manor and raised by Euphemia Rowle, apparently.

Slicer buzzed "At Rowle Manor, cot death"

"That's cold. Daphne you're a stone-cold bitch" said Draco "I really don't want you ever in my bedroom."

Slicer buzzed back "Slicer."

"Tools" buzzed Slicer.

Harry reached into his pocket and handed Slicer a pocketknife. "It opens any lock" he said. "It's a Black family heirloom."

"Shame we don't have the cloak" said Ron.

"It was in James's trunk at lunchtime yesterday" said Harry. "I'm just saying" and Slicer nodded.

Ron's brows furrowed.

"But the boys have the cloak" said Draco.

"We don't know that" said Harry, breaking into a grin. "We don't know that."

"Why wait?" asked Draco.

"Events are in motion" buzzed Slicer, and left.

"Unspeakable are like that" said Ron. "Mysterious."

Harry went home that night tired and sick to his stomach; and remembered to go get Lily from Watermeadow, where he had dinner with both Greengrasses and a tired Lily.

Lily enthused about care of regular horses, and talked about all the potions they'd made.

Harry felt guilty that Daphne might be lost in time soon, but it was part of the job of being an Unspeakable, he supposed. It wasn't an Aurors job, he was fairly sure.

He was lying in bed, wishing he'd had a drink when he fell asleep. He had nightmares about babies and grey gloved hands.

Harry woke up, and got Lily to Watermeadow in plenty of time for a long boring day of work.

The weekend finally came and Hermione sent him a memo 'Kiss and make up.'

He sent a reply memo 'Sure'

His reply memo simply said 'Your bed 10pm'

Harry felt quite optimistic over dinner at Watermeadow.

He got a sleepy Lily home at nearly nine, and she curled into her bed like a little red-haired angel.

Harry shut her door and noise-charmed it and went to his bedroom, and tidied up a bit. And changed the sheets, and pillowcases and duvet cover, and the towels in the bathroom. And put out a bathrobe.

Then he very casually sat down on the bed and went mad with anxiety as he waited.

At about ten past ten, the stairs creaked and Hermione opened the bedroom door "Hi" she said "Budget meeting ran long, I had dinner at my desk"

"I've eaten… food" said Harry suggestively. Hermione smiled and shook her head, putting a small bag down, shrinking it and putting it in the bathrobe pocket. "Girl things" she said, and took her shoes off.

After Harry had snogged and made oral pleadings, he shagged slowly.

"Take your time" said Hermione "We don't get that much time to do this"

Harry lay on the bed later and Hermione put on the bathrobe and went to the bathroom, and came back a while later, clean-ish.

"I've got tomorrow off" said Hermione "So we can take Lily …"

"To Watermeadow. She loves the animals there, and Roxanne can't get enough of her" said Harry.

"To the zoo" said Hermione "You need to spend some time with her this year, next year she's' a Hogwarts girl."

"The zoo" said Harry.

Hermione was right. The morning at the Zoo was good, and Lily enjoyed the different animals "Grandmama doesn't have elephants or tiger or zebras or monkeys" said Lily later.

"She's quite fond of you" said Harry.

"Hopefully she doesn't like the boys" said Lily.

-===0==-

[And Now, Back to Nineteen Ninety Eight]

Daphne Greengrass was standing in her bathroom at her parents house trying to get her hair to look more… lively when the front doorbell rang. It sat flat a lot. Potter wasn't due till tomorrow for tea, her stomach tied itself in knots. If he's come a day early by mistake, Daphne would have to face him less… less prepared. That cold, murderous look in his eyes scared her. He and Granger and Weasley all had it. She shuddered.

Daphne ensured her robe was at least decent and went into her bedroom, just in case, glancing through the magnifying glass at the photograph of the Black family Matrons ring. It was a hideous thing with a black pearl. She'd done her research, so that when Potter finally put it on her finger she wouldn't flinch in disgust. Hopefully.

Their elf popped in "Miss Daphne is having a visitor" said the old familiar elf "A witch in disguise"

Oh merlin, this was awful. It must be one of Potters relatives. At least it wasn't Potter.

She apparated downstairs to behind the staircase, and walked out to see… Her father standing horribly stiffly, next to… a Grey-Cloaked figure in grey gloves. An Unspeakable.

Daphne's mind reeled. A prophecy? Please let it not be a prophecy. Potter had been born with one, and look at his life. Maybe… her application. Maybe it hadn't been ignored.

"Daphne, you can speak to your guest in the blue room" said her father tensely.

"Miss Greengrass" buzzed the Unspeakable, and Daphne led them to the blue room and they sat gracefully into a chair.

"Would you like tea?" asked Daphne awkwardly.

The unspeakable held up their left hand, and pulled off the grey glove. Underneath was a woman's hand, a bit lined, with short fingernails. On the little finger was a Greengrass family signet ring. Daphne wore one just like it.

"So you're a relative" said Daphne, in a business-like tone.

"A relative" buzzed the Unspeakable "And soon you will marry. The Potter boy would appreciate a franker approach. Take him hunting, tell him how you see things."

"He has not asked" said Daphne primly.

"That will not serve you. He was raised by Muggles and fought a war. He is like a boarhound, not a dandy."

"The way he dresses so badly tells me that" said Daphne.

"He only owns one good set of robes and his weekend clothes with his uniform" said the Unspeakable "He was raised to be very frugal."

"A tightwad" said Daphne harshly.

"He would understand that tone" said the Unspeakable "You have a bigger issue. Once you are matron of the house of Black, you must repair the family tapestry."

"Can't you do it?" asked Daphne "You're… you know."

"I may not go to the house." said the Unspeakable "There is a daughter of the house orphaned. The tapestry will show you who, You must recover her and bring her up. Potter will understand that orphans needs family."

"He has his family" said Daphne "The ones that raised him."

"Never ever call them that. Call them Relations. He was raised to be their house-elf, and never mentions them."

"Has he killed them?" asked Daphne.

"Don't ask questions like that" buzzed the Unspeakable. "And, your application is good, and you may find success yet."

"I'll get in" asked Daphne.

"It is possible" said the Unspeakable.

Daphne sat, feeling odd. She'd been given a job to do by a mysterious old witch visitor. Like the heroines of many good novels. And the most mysterious kind of visitor ever. In fact, even the soft-backed novels Pansy hid in her trunk never had an Unspeakable and a family member come to give a mysterious mission.

"Is this going to hurt?" asked Daphne.

"Follow my instructions and it will hopefully hurt less. He's a soldier, not a gentleman" said the Unspeakable "But now the bad."

Daphne's heart sank, of course there'd be bad.

"He loves Weasley, and will want her as second wife" said the Unspeakable.

"Mother and I have taken that into account" said Daphne stiffly.

"And he loves Granger, but not that way. Not yet."

"I thought he and Weasley were… sharing her?" asked Daphne.

"That will get you cast out to live in misery" said the Unspeakable "Persuade him however you do it to sign on Granger as a concubine. Tell him it's a way to keep his interactions with her totally respectable. He doesn't even know what the word means, and Granger make mistakes under time pressure."

"I know that from Runes classes" said Daphne bitterly. Partnering with the brains of Gryffindor for an assignment has seemed like a good idea, but Granger put inadequate time into the assignment, distracted by some ridiculous escapade.

"And now I must go. I've been too long already" buzzed the Unspeakable, and she stood up.

Daphne led her out, and the grey-cloaked witch vanished from the front path in a swirl of grey and a crack. Daphne resolved to find her relative in the Department once she started, to be her mentor. That witch had style, and a no-nonsense attitude. And had left Daphne with a page of quests to write down.

Daphne apparated straight to her writing desk and jotted them down as quickly as possible.

First things first, Owl Potter and tell him to wear clothes for flying he didn't mind getting messed up.

-==0==-

Harry Potter, aged eighteen, walked along the driveway to Watermeadow, the Greengrasses country house. It was two stories high, and had maybe five bedrooms. It was, Harry thought with a smile, smaller than the Burrow. Well it was all made of stones at the same time, and looked like a normal building, and the gardens were large. A flock of white and brown sheep stared at Harry from behind a short hedge.

Harry looked at all the green grass. Sheep eat grass, he thought. This was for the sheep.

He got to the front door, and adjusted his borrowed quidditch uniform. Ron had a set in the cupboard, and it fit Harry well enough. He looked down at his quidditch boots. A bit tight but, he was two years older.

Harry pulled the chain by the black painted panelled doors. A bell tolled.

After a moment, the doors opened and a house-elf in a green toga peered up at Harry.

"Who is you?"

"Harry Potter – Potter-Black to see Miss Daphne Greengrass" said Harry, feeling anxious. If this was prank he'd feel like a complete pillock.

The elf nodded and vanished with a pop.

Daphne's father appeared from a door down the hallway and did a double-take at Harry. "Potter?" he asked, looking dark and forbidding, and surprised.

There was a crack from the front hall and Daphne Greengrass appeared, wearing tight-fitted brown robes with brown leather armour over them. It looked a bit like quidditch armour, he supposed.

"Daphne!" said her father.

Daphne Greengrass turned and said to her father "I'm taking Harry boar hunting. He likes to fly."

Harry followed the fast walking blonde, who looked quite different in these robes.

"Quidditch robes will do I suppose" said Daphne over her shoulder "We're going to fly Abraxans, and use spears. It's a traditional way of hunting boar, which will go in the pantry for dinners."

"We're going to fly around and hunt wild boars?" asked Harry, hurrying to keep up.

"We have six hundreds acres, there are boars in the forest, with any luck we'll find one." said Daphne, leading Harry along to some outbuildings "Have you ridden an Abraxan?" she asked.

"Just Hippogriffs and Dragons and Thestrals, you know the usual" joked Harry.

"They're tame, but large. Just a big flying horse." said Daphne.

"I don't know about horses" said Harry "I grew up in town."

"Well more to learn" said Daphne.

"Why do I have to learn to ride a horse?" asked Harry, as they rounded the building and gigantic white horse heads were sticking out of huge half-doorways.

"Because it's fun" said Daphne "And hunting boar is how we get half our game."

"I could fly a broom I suppose" said Harry uncertainly.

Daphne turned and looked at Harry, and put her hands on her hips. Harry was reminded a bit of Ginny's fierceness "Don't be an arse. How else will we get meat?"

"I … we used to go to the shops and buy it" said Harry.

"You really are a townie, aren't you" she said dismissively.

"I've um, done fishing in the woods" offered Harry.

Harry stopped and looked at the Abraxan, and started to bend.

"Oh you don't need to bow to her, that's mummy's mount. You can have her because she's quite patient, and Daddy's one won't like your smell." said Daphne.

"Don't you have boy horses?" asked Harry.

"Good grief. We're not trying to breed Abraxans, the permits are expensive, and a stallion, well, just horse stallions are dangerous brutes, and Abraxans are huge, so no. I think Malfoy's grandfather had one, but it trampled him, so he killed it.

"Probably being an arse" said Harry under his breath.

"If you want to get all stupid and go riding stallions for hunting you'll have to go to Bavaria. We don't hunt fantastic beasts, so we don't go" said Daphne in a derisive tone.

"People hunt magical beasts from Abraxans?" asked Harry, surprise lifting his eyebrows.

"It's traditional, and stupid. Griffin tastes awful, and everything else is endangered" said Daphne "These are our wild boar, and if we didn't hunt them they'd eat everything."

"What about the garden?"

"Boar repelling enchantments to keep the sheep safe" said Daphne, pulling out one of the huge white winged horses.

"Boars eat sheep?" asked Harry "But they're like pigs?"

"Pigs eat lambs given a chance" said Daphne "Which is why we're flying. I'm not like Millie, so I'm staying airborne."

"Millicent hunts boar on foot?" asked Harry "Isn't that dangerous?"

"And that's how she terrified Vincent and Greg" said Daphne "Of course they went and took the mark, so now one's in Azkaban and the others' dead."

Harry used hover charms to help put the saddles and handles on the horses. "Reins Potter, they'e called reins" said Daphne, shaking her head.

Once Harry got onto the back of the horse, he looked down on the world "I'm ten feet off the ground already" he said.

"You're not afraid of heights" said Daphne, going into the horse building and coming out with a couple of wicked looking spears with leaf-shaped points on long metal shafts. "Hold mine" she said, handing him both, and she climbed quickly up her horse, and Harry couldn't not notice her bum looked good in those robes, especially climbing.

"Potter, my spear" she said, and Harry handed her the spear.

"How does this work?"

"We fly around, the boars start running, and we stab them just behind the head, into a neck joint" said Daphne. "We only need one, and only throw it if you are prepared to go get it. Don't throw or stab near water, the spear might get lost, or the boar might bleed in the water and drown" said Daphne.

"We're going to kill it anyway" asked Harry.

"But we don't want it to suffer"

"We could just stun it" said Harry.

"It's traditional to use spears. They predate wands, and brooms are modern."

"So this hunting predates the invention of the quidditch broom ?"

"Witches and wizards have gone Hunting on Abraxans and pegasi since, well forever" said Daphne. "Muggles can't easily control them, because they're magical"

"There's a muggle legend about a Greek hero using a pegasus" said Harry.

"And it predates the statute so that's okay" said Daphne "come on, you're not a coward" she said "Squeeze your knees for speed, pull back to stop, turn, and well, it's just like riding a horse"

"Which I don't know how to do" said Harry, alarmed as Daphne started her Abraxan moving out of the courtyard towards the grassy field. Harry's horse followed.

"And Mummys mount knows what's what. Her name is Nike, and just tell her to land and point. She can see you from the saddle.

"See me?"

"Horses of all kinds can see mostly behind them. It's a safety thing when they eat grass."

Harry was just getting used to the slow, rocking movement of the gigantic horse when Daphne yelled out "Yaa" and her mount took off in a flurry of vast white feathered wings. Harry's mount bounced under him like a car on speedbumps , then took off, and the bumping stopped. A few flaps later and they were high over the forest. It was slower than Thestrals, and very steady unlike Hippogriffs.

"This is okay" yelled Harry, to Daphne, whose hair was streaming in a Ginny-like way. She pointed at the forest, and they flew in long arcs around the trees. Harry saw brown movement in the trees.

He focussed on it and it was a big, hairy pig "There!" he yelled, pointing

The Abraxan surged forward and Harry found himself flying at breakneck speeds over the treetops following a running boar.

A white flying horse came up beside him "I thought you'd never done this!" yelled Daphne, her spear straight along her flight direction, but held loosely, Harry copied the angle.

"It's like finding a snitch!" Harry yelled.

"Wait for a clearing, Nike won't try to fly into a forest, she's not stupid!" yelled Daphne.

Harry followed the boar, his boar and it zigzagged along, the shadow of the two huge Abraxans following across the treetops.

Finally, the forest thinned and Nike seemed to have decided to do all the work and dived.

"Good ...Horse" said Harry weakly, and tried to line up his spear on the back of the boar. He got it lined up and was thinking about stabbing when Nike evidently decided enough was enough and shot forward. Harry's spear grazed the back of the boar's head and it tumbled to a stop. Harry pulled up on the reins and Nike flared her wings hard, flapping massively to kill speed, and in the tornado of leaves and debris, they stopped and Nike hovered. "Down Nike" said Harry firmly, and they… landed. Nike folded her wings and stood patiently. Harry dropped the spear to one side and jumped down, landing with a crunch, and drew his wand. He approached the boar, which was lying, a tiny scratch on it's head, still breathing.

"It's stunned!" yelled Harry.

There was a tornado of wind behind him and dust and leaves went everywhere, Harry turned, and Daphne was slipping neatly off her Abraxan, spear in one hand, like… a convenient pole to get off your horse with. "Don't drop the spear, it's bad manners" said Daphne.

"It's stunned. Why is it stunned?" asked Harry.

"These are enchanted to stun boars" said Daphne "Less risk of injuring the animal before we kill it painlessly"

"You didn't tell me" snapped Harry.

"They're called kiddie spears, and I felt you needed the confidence" said Daphne "How's your piercing hex."

"Surprisingly good" said Harry tersely.

"Imagine a diagonal line from ear to eye, where the two lines cross, one hole, and it won't suffer." said Daphne "I can do it if you don't want to. You fly Abraxans well for a beginner."

"I can do it" said Harry, and he touched the tip of his wand to the boar's head.

"Step back a bit or you'll get blood on your wand, and that's just disgusting" said Daphne.

Harry cast a piercing hex and the boar twitched a little and lay still.

"Are you queasy with guts and stuff?" asked Daphne.

"Not very?" asked Harry.

"Good, I hate this bit. Hit it with an entrail expelling curse" said Daphne.

Harry looked at his wand "I've...never cast that on anyone or anything."

"Well we don't want its guts in it, so get them out" said Daphne.

Harry cast what he'd thought of as a quite dark curse on the boar, and all its insides messily shot out it's back end.

"What do we do with the … guts?" asked Harry.

"Just leave it, The forest creatures will eat it" said Daphne. "Now roll it over, and we see what you got"

Harry pulled one leg and the boar, mostly round rolled over exposing a dark belly and a long row of tests.

"Oh good, it's a sow. Males take more work, and taste off without lots of annoying preparation." said Daphne "you could have used a charm to roll it."

"Isn't it traditional?" asked Harry.

"Obsessive reenactors use spears and knives, yes, but we have wands" said Daphne. "And then there's putting blood on you for your fist kill. You can skip that, you're not ten, and don't need a confidence boost."

"Ten? Kids do this?" asked Harry.

"Everyone whose parents hunt or has friends who do" said Daphne "It helps children feel more confident, especially going to Hogwarts with so many people"

"You… hunted boar before you went to school?"

"Well of course." said Daphne "It's what one does."

"The Weasleys just a have a cow, and pigs and chickens" said Harry.

"Well, they probably don't have that much land, do they" said Daphne.

"They have, well, a farm. An apple orchard" said Harry "This is… very outdoorsy."

"It's good when it's not raining" said Daphne "Though, as long as we make sure there are a few in the cool-room we never go short. And there's always fish."

"Do your family not buy food in shops?" asked Harry.

"We'd rather not. We do have six hundred acres" said Daphne.

Harry sighed "I don't" he said. "I mostly live in the townhouse in London"

"The Blacks have other properties. Maybe the manors have fallen down, but the muggle-repelling charms let in boars" said Daphne.

"Why?" asked Harry.

"So people can go hunting." said Daphne "It's better than buying flour from a shop" she said, looking quite windswept. Not dissimilar to, Ginny after quidditch. But Ginny never hunted boars.

"Well, levitate it up and stick it to the back of your saddle" said Daphne "You'll win some points with Mummy for taking Nike for a fly. That stop of yours was a bit… dramatic, let her slow down more gradually next time. She's horse not a broom."

Harry levitated the boar onto the back of the saddle, his nose rankling at the smell of boar guts.

"Doesn't the smell bother Nike?" asked Harry.

"She's hunted boar her whole life,and Abraxans will eat guts if you don't keep an eye on them. It's the dickens to get off of their muzzles, so don't let them." said Daphne.

"They eat meat?"

"Even ponies will eat mice if they can" said Daphne "They're in it for the food value, I suppose."

Harry leaned the spear against the saddle and spotted the little notches, and found it made the climb a lot easier. He heard Daphne … giggle.

"You didn't tell me about the steps?" asked Harry as he finished clambering on awkwardly and puffing.

"You got on quite well at home, and it's fun watching you struggle in quidditch robes for a change" said Daphne. Harry was tempted to make a crack about her robes, but kept it in.

He flew back to their house on the gigantic horse, holding the hunting spear. Kiddie spear, he reminded himself wryly, still, messing up would have been disgusting and cruel.

Once they'd landed, and taken the saddles and reins off, Daphne handed Harry a long handled brush, and a flat one with a strap.

"Now we rub them down, it keeps their skin healthy" said Daphne, and she started rubbing the huge horse's skin with the brush, to appreciative horse noises.

"They like it?"

"It's like scratching a cat or dog" said Daphne "And Nike is pretty tame."

Harry had worked up a slight sweat by the time the massive horse was 'rubbed down'. Daphne had gone at rubbing down her horse, and was surprised to see Harry finished "first-timers are generally slow" she said.

"Oh I know my way around a scrubbing brush" said Harry "My relatives made me clean."

Harry got to levitate the boar to the kitchen.

Daphne opened the door and called out "Knippett!" and a house elf appeared "Miss Daphne, have you been hunting?"

"This is Harry Potter-Black and this is his first boar" said Daphne "A sow thankfully"

"Knippet will take care of Miss Daphne's messy wizard's boar" said Knippet.

Harry looked down to his robes; which were a bit twiggy and leafy.

"Why aren't you covered in leaves?" asked Harry.

"I landed last and know a charm to get them off" said Daphne, smugly.

"Always land second?" asked Harry.

"It's the easy way." said Daphne, and cast a charm on Harry that had all the twigs and leaves fall off. He felt twigs slithering out of his hair.

"Miss Dapnhe's messy wizard has left a mess" said Knippett and waddled over, clicking their fingers; the twigs and leaves vanished.

"Knippett, some tea in the boot room" said Daphne.

"Knippett is busy with a boar" said the house elf. "Miss Daphne can make her own tea in the boot room."

Harry watched the house elf refuse to work with amazement, then followed Daphne to an outbuilding, where she opened a door and led Harry into a room full of slightly stained soft chairs and a table. There was a bench in the back of the room with a sink and kettle.

"Knippett refused to make you tea?" asked Harry.

"She'll be working on that boar for a while. She's busy" said Daphne "And the boot rooms' got a kettle."

Harry sat down and realised the room smelt quite… horsey. Very horsey and wasn't completely clean.

"This is where we go for breaks when doing outdoor things" explained Daphne, conjuring water into the kettle. "So it can't be just so. The dogs and muddy boots see to that. It does smell a bit Horsey too, I suppose."

"A bit Horsey?" asked Harry "A lot horsey."

"I'm used to it, I suppose" said Daphne, and held her wand to the kettle, which after a wait stated to whistle.

She made tea in a brown pottery teapot, and the smell of exotic tea filled the room "I thought you might like a decent tea" she said, putting the teapot on the table.

Then she sat back on a chair and put her boots up on the smaller table.

Harry sat back.

"Put your feet up if you want to" said Daphne "Mummy pretends to care but it's the boot room."

Harry put his feet up and leaned back. The chair was quite comfortable, for all that it smelt of horses.

"You're… more outdoorsy than I expected" said Harry.

"Mummy thought I should be, well a proper pure-blood witch and defer to my husband to be. And you're intimidating, you know?" said Daphne.

"What changed?" asked Harry wondering what was the deal here.

"A relative came by and told me a little about you. Said that you would appreciate a more direct approach" said Daphne.

"So who's the real Daphne? Daphne with spear or Meek Daphne?" asked Harry, wondering if Slytherins could ever be honest.

The boot-room door banged open and Daphne's mother said loudly "Daphne! Home any times have I told you not to put your muddy boots on the table!"

Daphne's mother was wearing a plain robe and a belt with stuff hanging from it, Harry noticed.

"Oh, … Mister Potter-Black" said … Roxanne wasn't it "I didn't realise you and Daphne were having quality time.

"Tea mother, we're having tea. I took Harry out hunting, and he bagged a sow on his first attempt." said Daphne.

"With kiddie spears" said Harry.

"And I'd hope so too. Don't make the animal suffer" said Roxanne "Well, is that tea ready?" she asked.

"Yes mummy, shall I pour?" asked Daphne politely.

"Has your sister eaten all the biscuits" asked Roxanne.

"I didn't look and knippets cleaning the sow" said Daphne.

"How big?" asked Roxanne.

"A hundred and fifty pounds or so" said Daphne. "Harry didn't come over all macho and carry it on his shoulders"

"Thank merlin for that. Blood would get on the chairs" said Roxanne. "So, … Harry how did you find boar-hunting?"

"I got on the Abraxan and trusted Daphne" said Harry snidely. "It was… odd. I've only fished not hunted."

"Harry's a townie mummy" said Daphne. "Lives in London."

"Well, and he did all right boar-hunting" observed Roxanne.

"It was like spotting a snitch" Harry offered.

"Oh no. Don't let him ever tell your uncle Darren" said Roxanne, "He'll be insufferable..."

"Uncle Darren is mummy's brother, and he loves quidditch and says it prepares a wizard for all of life" explained Daphne.

"I just like it for the flying really "admitted Harry "How are you with quidditch?" Harry asked Daphne.

"Slytherin house, so no girls need apply, and I don't like brooms much. I prefer a flying creature." said Daphne.

"Thestrals are the very best" said Harry surely "Not as evil as people make out, and faster than anyone would believe. We got from Hogwarts to London in forty minutes or so."

Roxanne and Daphne looked at Harry oddly "Thestrals?" Roxanne asked "Buut…"

"So they eat meat. Abraxans do too, and Thestrals are misunderstood beasts" said Harry.

"You sound just like Hagrid when you say that!" said Daphne indignantly "They're creepy."

"And no hair to curry" observed Harry.

"An iconoclastic young man, isn't he?" asked Roxanne.

"Apparently" said Daphne, and poured tea into quite nice, unchipped cups.

"Milk?" she asked.

"Mmm yes" said Harry and she poured a dab of milk in, served her mother black tea, and then added two large spoonfulls of sugar to the final cup, stirred vigorously and added milk.

"Milk, two sugars" said Roxanne. "My daughter, your wife to be."

"So I should buy a lot of sugar?" asked Harry.

"Sacks of the stuff. More if her sister visits" said Roxanne.

"And have biscuits on hand at all times. I used to have a friend like that, we joked that we needed to always have chocolate digestives at hand in case he turned up" said Harry wryly, thinking of old Remus.

"He died in the war I take it?" asked Daphne quite bluntly.

"With his wife. I'm their sons godfather, and he's being raised by his grandmother, Andromeda Tonks née Black."

"She's alive?" asked Roxanne "one never knows when people are cast out."

"There's only her and grandson. Her husband, daughter and son-in-law all died" said Harry "I suppose Teddy will inherit one day. He's a black by blood, not like me" explained Harry.

"That's up to you, and Daphne I suppose" said Roxanne "And as named heir, you can name whoever you want as heir."

"It's just Teddy's a metamorphmagus and that's a black family thing" said Harry.

"A metamorphmagus, gracious." said Roxanne "How old is he?"

"About one" said Harry.

"I look forward to meeting him and his… grandmother" said Roxanne. "So, do you think Daphne will be a suitable babysitter?"

"I don't know about that" said Harry "I visit him sometimes, but I'm very busy with work, and Daphne?"

"My application to the Ministry is apparently going well" said Daphne. Daphne's mother looked surprised "You applied for a Ministry job?"

"I have nine NEWTs" said Daphne "And a department staffer came and reassured me my application is in track."

"What department?" asked Harry curiously.

"I can't say" said Daphne. "Not till later."

Harry nodded, probably something very political like international magical cooperation.

"Are you happy with Daphne having a career?" asked Roxanne casually.

Harry frowned "Of course" he said "It's her choice what she does."

Roxanne turned and looked at Daphne silently.

Harry decided what was going on here "Look, I'm not going to make Daphne work, or stay at home , or… play for the Harpies. It's her choice. I suppose if she um… wanted children we could work something out." said Harry, looking at the floor.

"As long as we understand one another" said Daphne.

"Well yeah" said Harry.

"Mummy, Harry and I need to have a very… robust discussion" said Daphne "About important matters we already put in the contract."

"I'll go get your copy, you … discuss things with Harry the hunter" said Roxanne, standing up.

Once Roxanne had left the boot-room, Daphne simply said "You want to marry Ginny Weasley."

"Well yes" said Harry "But that's all buggered up now isn't it"

"No, you have two choices for how to quite legitimately spend more time with Ginny Weasley and have children, whatever you want to do" said Daphne.

"What?" asked Harry, dumbfounded.

"The contact allows for multiple wives, and you might want to do that, but there are downsides" said Daphne.

"Like having multiple wives" said Harry.

Daphne glared at Harry for a moment "Comedy aside, you can have other wives, or concubines. That's like a wife but the property ownership is different."

"Huh?" asked Harry.

"If you married Weasley, and I'd certainly let you, if you ever divorced her, she'd get half of everything. And I'd get the other half" explained Daphne.

"But I'd end up with nothing!" protested Harry.

"And that's why multiple marriages are so rare. There's only one in all Britain right now."

"Er, that sound s awkward. What about the other way?"

"A written agreement that sets out what whoever gets when they leave. Not that they ever have to. They're not married to you, so they can change their name or not, it's up to them, and best of all, it's traditional, and old busybodies can't complain about it. I'd really hope you did one for Hermione Granger too, so she um… isn't misinterpreted. You two spent lot of time off together, and there are cruel rumours about you three."

"Bullshit rumours and she's with Ron. I should get her to get one, but with Ron signing on. They fight a lot and I worry about...well that it will last" countered Harry.

"Have Granger contract Weasley, well… that's iconoclastic, but legal. If only poor Sophia Zabini did that" said Daphne.

"Blaise Zabini's mum; isn't she like a black widow?" asked Harry.

"It's very rude to say that" said Daphne "And never go anywhere private with her." she continued.

"Why are you … taking an interest?" asked Harry.

"I'm the only person in your life who can't leave once I'm married. Every other woman or man can, but you don't know our culture so you might bollix it up. With the right agreements in place, you'll still have somewhere to live, and money, and not end up miserable." explained Daphne.

"And you have more say in what they can do this way?"

"A little, domestic matters only. So inside the house." said Daphne.

"I know what domestic means" said Harry.

"And dowry" added Daphne.

"That's your dad giving me money to take you off his hands" said Harry "I understand why its so much from the sugar bill alone"

"Don't be tightwad" said Daphne "You're expected to pay him back the bride price, which to makes sure you know – is my dowry plus the value of the work I'd do for him for the rest of my life"

"What do I get?" asked Harry.

"Me, silly." said Daphne "And symbolically I'll never work for my family again, all my work will be for you, and the Blacks."

"So… I'm paying to say 'Hey Cyrus, don't ask Daphne to come hunting, she's hunting for me now."

"Well I would hope to still get out with Mummy, but that would be you and I being generous, not a duty to the Greengrasses. Except for maybe a boy to be the next Greengrass. I don't have a brother and otherwise it all goes to my cousin Bertie, and he's a spendthrift."

"A what?"

"He spends galleons all day and is drinking his fathers money away" said Daphne.

"Oh, a money waster" said Harry "I'm against that. We'll... have to work something out."

"Well make Weasley official, I'll approve and you can perfect your technique" said Daphne.

"I'm… okay at it" said Harry defensively.

"Well good. My wedding night ends the right way, or I'm stuck in a cursed contract" said Daphne.

"What?" asked Hary, brows furrowed.

"If you don't consummate the marriage, I can't have a bit on the side, ever" said Daphne. "And as we have no relationship, I would hope one day to find someone."

"You'll be married to me" retorted Harry "You can't go shagging some other bloke."

"You're shagging Weasley right now" said Daphne loudly "So I want the option!"

"I'm the chosen one, you'd choose me" said Harry.

"I'm certainly giving you my virginity on our marriage bed, so I hope you're competent and last more than ten seconds" said Daphne blushing.

"No pressure" said Harry "So I've got to get from hello to you having an orgasm in one night."

"Not… necessarily" said Daphne "You could get to know me beforehand."

"We're doing that" said Harry.

"At your house, without my parents around" said Daphne.

"It's a bit of a dump really" admitted Harry.

"Well, what house are you supplying as part of the agreement?"

"Um, my house" said Harry.

"Which is a dump?" said Daphne angrily "You tightwad, penny-pinching, redhead-fucking..."

Harry blinked "Redhead-fucking?"

"Didn't you do Sue Bones as well?" asked Daphne.

"Uh… no" said Harry.

"Well, I'm sorry I called you a redhead-fucker" said Dapnhe. "Though I can put a red rinse thought if that's required I suppose" she continued.

Harry went red in the face "Don't say that" he said "That's so embarrassing,"

"I'm the one who would have to say "My husband only likes redheads, I'm making myself look more like his favourite"

"God never say that" said Harry "I'd die of embarrassment,"

"So, when can I at least come see this house?"

"Um... well any time; though I'm off work this afternoon and Tuesday" said Harry. "And there's a house elf."

"What's it's name?"

"Kreahcer" said Harry "He's old and a bit weird, but..."

"And that was going to be the servants? One weird old house elf?" asked Daphne "The deal is that the house of black is given a makeover by moi, not that I'm stuck in some dump with a crazy house elf."

"But that's what I've got" said Harry.

"You're rich, spend some money. Or do you not know how to spend money?"

"Um… how would I get the house fixed up. I was… thinking about just buying another."

"For Ginny Weasley?" accused Daphne.

"Well yeah" said Harry.

"How many rooms does your house have now?"

"Fourteen bedrooms" admitted Harry.

"Why waste money buying a second house. Sign her in as concubine and we won't fight over whose bedroom is whose; she's not allowed to shag in yours, and stays out of mine. "

"Not shag in mine?" asked Harry "It's… where we shag."

"I'm not visiting a bedroom that smells of someone else's sex" said Daphne.

"But you wouldn't'… anyway" said Harry.

"That the voice of man not getting a blowjob this week" said Daphne.

Harry went bright red "A what" he said in a tiny voice, his trousers suddenly too tight.

"A blowjob, I believe from my dorm mates, boys will do ANYTHING to get one" said Daphne.

"Urk" croaked Harry.

"By your red face and choking noises, I assume I've hit the leverage jackpot" said Daphne.

"But..." said Harry.

"I'd be pretty poor wife if I couldn't please my husband. My friends have told me all about it, how bad could it be? Thought I reserve the right to spit" said Daphne.

"Um… this afternoon, twelve Grimmauld place" said Harry.

"And make sure there's biscuits" said Daphne. "Pig" she muttered.

"Would you really?" asked Harry.

"It's a traditional means of controlling one's boyfriend or husband" said Daphne.

"Ginny doesn't" said Harry in a small voice.

"Not with you" said Daphne "Looks like there' a reason I'm first wife."

"Urk" said Harry.

Harry left a bit later feeling exceedingly sexually frustrated and quite manipulated. It was a intoxicating combination.

After lunch with Kreacher who assured Harry that there were biscuits and sugar for tea, Harry went and looked at the bedroom situation. His room was tidy, but as dingy as the rest of Grimmauld. The faint scent of Ginny lingered. Not good.

Harry went and investigated Sirius's old room on the top floor. It was… a better room to be honest. Harry stripped the bed and Kreacher appeared "Master?"

"Make this bed up, and clear out Sirius's stuff. I'm moving rooms." said Harry.

"Can Kreacher vanish it" asked Kreacher.

"Store it, we may need it later" said Harry.

Apart from the girlie pictures on the walls it was a pretty respectable room by Grimmauld place standards. Harry investigated the pictures. Permanently stuck on. He crossed the landing to Regulus's room and looked around. A Slytherin colour scheme, tidy, still some mould.

He looked at the pictures on the walls and had a brainwave. Ten minutes later serious pictures covered the girlie magazine pages, and Sirius's room looked… just old and a little mildewed.

Harry tried some more cleaning charms and the room did look marginally better.

He went down and peeked in the doorway of Walburgas big bedroom. Hippogriff shit, feathers and fur. Come to think of it, that looked like it would be good in a garden. Harry opened the windows over the microscopic terrace, and looked out. London, sniff - smelt of cars. He looked left ; back hays, looked right, backyards and stony slate roof sheds at the ends of the properties. He looked down and there was a back-shed thing walling off the property from the back alley. With a gap, and the gap was full of rubbish and weeds. He'd never thought about it.

He started casting vanishing spells from the balcony, and soon the broken bottles stopped glittering. Still weedy, but it looked less awful.

Kreacher appeared behind him with a pop "Master, there is a witch."

Harry went downstairs in a crack of apparation, to fined Daphne Greengrass in plain looking robes looking around the kitchen "This is the old kitchen that hasn't been used a century and the real one's upstairs" she asked.

"Er no" said Harry.

Daphne shook her head 'Show me around then" she said sounding disappointed.

Twenty minutes later, he decided it was good idea to go upstairs behind her. She had… charms. And thought perhaps Harry might burn it down and start again. And they'd only got to the second floor.

"You'll need professional for this" she said "Everything's rotten, mildewy or painted black"

"You forgot the snake and generally creepy lamps" Harry offered.

"Where's your room?"

"I just moved to the top floor. My old room… well can be for Ginny" said Harry.

"You listen. Good" said Daphne. "Are we going to do stairs all day?"

"It's good for your glutes" said Harry "That's what Oliver Wood used to say"

"My glutes are fine" said Daphne.

"I think so, so far" said Harry. "I would have to check."

"Your chances look mildewy and rotten so far" said Daphne.

She approved of Ginny's room … being dingy Harry suspected, and liked Regulus's room and thought Sirius's smelled a bit.

"Just moved today" said Harry. "Clean bedding."

"Get fourteen new mattresses and replace all the pillows. They don't last forever you know" said Daphne. "Where's the biggest bedroom" she asked

"About that" said Harry awkwardly.

…

"Hippogriff shit. Why?" asked Daphne looking at the vista of Walburga's wildlife sanctuary.

"Sirius kept buckbeak in here for years" said Harry.

"It's wrecked. Vanish everything and get a builder to redo it" said Daphne. "Is there a view ?" she went to the opened windows. "It smells" she said.

"London" said Harry. "There's a small back garden…. It's all weeds" he admitted.

Daphne looked down "Ours is the worst on the street. Congratulations. Muggles do better than a wizard who can vanish anything."

"I've vanished the empty beer bottles already" said Harry.

"Just... hire a cleaning company and builder. Pay some extra and get this place less disgusting. How do you live like this?"

"It grows on you" said Harry.

"That's the mildew" said Daphne.

"I wonder if there's an anti-mildew spell?" asked Harry.

"Of course there is. There's an anti-spell for anything."

"Well, lets look in the library." said Harry.

...

"This library is terrible. All these cursed books, on curses" said Daphne.

"Some of them only affect non-blacks" said Harry.

Daphne cast a long tricky spell on a large grimoire, that rattled on the shelf. She pulled it out and carefully opened it ."Oh… this a book I've never heard of" she said "can I borrow it?"

"Sure, but… de-curse things, if you can" said Harry.

"You don't know how, do you?" asked Daphne.

"No" admitted Harry.

"I'll get you cursebreaking for dummies. It's a good introduction" said Daphne.

"What department are you joining?" Harry asked.

"Not DMLE" said Daphne "Lets say, I'll tell you once we're married"

"Not muggleworthy excuses?" asked Harry.

"Don't be silly, The only muggleworthy excuse I know is 'my husbands too cheap to have our house fixed up.'"

"Can you um, get a recommendation?" I don't know who to ask?" said Harry.

"I'll ask Mummy and she can owl you" said Daphne.
"I don't have an owl since the war" said Harry.

"Get an owl" said Daphne "honestly."

Daphne trailed back to the kitchen.

"Um… about stuff?" asked Harry.

"This place is more of a dump than I honestly believed it could be" said Daphne "So you get nothing… except..."

"Kreacher!" Daphne called and the house elf appeared with a pop "Mistress is here" croaked Kreacher.

"That's supposed to work?" asked Daphne "No wonder this place is a dump. Kreacher, get me a banana."

Kreacher shrugged "Yes, We have no bananas" he choked.

"Go buy one" said Daphne, and Kreacher disappeared with a pop.

"How are you giving Kreacher orders?"

"Elves sense magic. He knows we're bound together. Also… the right attitude" she said, looking in the drawers. Like she owned the place really. Which he thought, she would eventually.

Kreacher reappeared with a banana for Daphne. Daphne peeled the banana and held it, then… Harry gulped she licked the end of the banana and slowly slid it into her mouth, licking as she went. When she was sliding the slick banana in and out of her mouth Harry felt a terrible pain in his pants. When she moaned theatrically with the banana rammed down her throat, he wanted to bite his hand.

Daphne pulled out the banana, and handed it back to Kreacher "your Master will be wanting this later. Probably with pancakes."

"Mistress we have many things for that. Mistress Lenora has left a trunk full of toys" said Kreacher enthusiastically.

"Kreacher, you may vanish the trunk of Victorian era sex toys" said Harry. "Merlin knows where' they've been"

"Mistress Lenora, Master Perseid and Mistress Rowena" said Kreacher helpfully.

"Just vanish them Kreacher" said Harry. "Good grief."

"Oh Harry, you got rid of the family sex toy collection, whatever will we do" said Daphne brows raised.

"Apparently I get pre-slobbered banana for supper" said Harry "It was certainly… very stimulating"

Daphne smirked "I'll get mummy to owl you" she said and left.

"Kreacher likes new Mistress. Fruit is good for master" said Kreacher.

"Shut it Kreacher" said Harry crossly.

-==0==-

"Oh Tracey you were right. A few suggestions of a blowjob, and licking a banana, and he's putty in my hands" said Daphne cheerfully, from her position prone on Tracey's bedroom couch.

"Boys are simple-minded beasts" said Tracey for her bed, legs up the wall in a normal inverted teenager pose. "What's the house like"

"I asked if he'd burn it down, and he thought I was joking." said Daphne. "Mummy is owling a suggestion for a cleaning firm, and builders. And he's so stingy."

"How stingy?"

"He doesn't have fruit in the house" said Daphne "His decrepit elf had to go buy a banana."

"Did you really?" asked Tracey.

"Well it's not hard is it?" asked Daphne.

"Dicks are harder than bananas. Well, good ones" said Tracey, sighing.

"How's your love-life going anyway?" asked Daphne.

"Badly" said Tracey "I thought Justin might ask me out after he saw my new robes at Flourish and Blotts, but all he did was go red in the face and run away.

"The robes that push your boobs up and show the tops?" asked Daphne.

"He's rich and polite. Susan rates him a seven out of ten for manners and grooming." said Tracey.

"She's such a dear" said Daphne. "And Potter insists he did not shag her."

"And now I find myself pining with unrequited love" said Tracey.

"What? Finch-Fletthcly's pocketbook?" asked Daphne.

"No, the new French team's right Chaser, Jean-Loius deBattencourt." said Tracy.

"Have you met him?" asked Daphne.

"Jean-Loius from Beauxbatons in fourth year." said Tracey. Daphne blinked "Little, sweet, Jean-Loius."

"I believe you actually said "Jean-snogs-like-a-god-Loius" observed Tracey.

"Well he did" said Daphne.

"And as you know, I verified my extremely impressionable friends testimony on a couple of Hogsmeade trips." said Tracey. "And he was a mighty fine snogger."

"So?"

"He's got a feature article in quidditch monthly" said Tracey "Here" she handed Daphne a magazine already open. The tall muscular French player was posed in quidditch robes, sans shirt. He had quite the tan.

"Oh maeve's minge" said Daphne "He's grown… and quidditch has been very good to him"

"Back off, I'm olwing him." said Tracey "You've got Harry bloody Potter eating out of your hand"

"Not entirely, and what if he's not as good a snogger" asked Daphne petulantly.

"You can envy me" said Tracey. "And surely Weasley's got him well-trained."

"Harry implied that he had adequate skills" said Daphne.

"Are you going to check?"

"I'm betrothed. It's not like I'm trying before I buy" said Daphne "Daddy's already shafted me."

"Ew I hope not" said Tracey "What's the deal going to be?"

"I'm… conning Potter into putting Weasley and Granger on concubine contracts" said Daphne "Though for a brainless Gryffindor he has a mind like a corkscrew. He's going to suggest Granger put Ron Weasley on a concubine contract" said Daphne.

Tracey snorted with laughter. "Oh… well, he's big, and has big hands, but he's a bit… objectionable."

"Harry says they fight, and he's worried for them both" said Daphne seriously

"Who are you and what have you done with Daphne?" asked Tracey "You sounded very married for a second there."

"He… I took him hunting boar. He was... of course a natural and got a boar on his first attempt. And it was good fat sow."

"Ohhh... a good provider" said Tracey "I feel that."

"I took him to tea in the boot room, and we… argued. He was… a regular wizard. Or oddly generous. My Career, by the way is not just Husband approved, but I Also got a visit from the department and, they say I have good chance."

"He's okay with that?" asked Tracey.

"And is prepared to let me decide about children… everything"

"For blowjobs" said Tracey cynically.

"The later promise of blowjobs… at an undetermined time" said Daphne. "He's only human… but my visitor was actually a relation… and they had some jobs for me."

"Jobs from relations, sounds like Yule?" said Tracey.

"She… well I've got some little things to do … and one terrifying one."

"What, have ten Potters?" asked Tracey. "I know some girls who'd help with that... if you know what I mean."

"Not that… there's a daughter of the house of Black… just a baby, and she's orphaned. I've got to find her, and get … get her home and bring her up."

"Wow" said Tracey "No pressure… instantly being mum, with Harry 'I'm a moody orphan' Potter playing the dad."

"We've got an heir lined up, and there's a grandmother for that baby, who's a daughter of the house too, so There's a grandma anyway."

"You need to get on with her" said Tracey.

"And Weasley" said Daphne. "I'm thinking about going to see her."

"She'll hex you in the face" said Tracey. "Ginny Weasley's not … well if she was a Slytherin she'd be in Azkaban for that amount of hexing."

"Don't exaggerate Tracey, The Inquisitorial Squad were using the torture curse, and Weasley took more than her fair share" said Daphne.

"Is there going to be any Harry Potter left when she's had her fill?" asked Tracey.

"He's… remarkably manly. That awful look he gets in his eyes… he didn't do it for hours, I think… well he might have been affected by the war."

"Well makes sense, Granger, Ron Weasley and your Harry all have that look sometimes." said Tracey.

"Longbottom has it too" said Daphne "I remember seeing it as I got Astoria out of the dorms."

-==0==-

Harry waited till the Floo had stopped and went straight to the Leaky, and hustled to Flourish and Blotts. He found an assistant easily.

"Harry Potter" they gushed.

"I want a book on cleaning charms, that covers mildew removal" said Harry.

They looked at him thoughtfully "Couldn't you just buy some new curtains?" they asked.

"The book please" asked Harry.

Twenty minutes later, having verified there was a mildew removal charm, he paid twenty sickles and went home.

He opened the book to the right charm on the kitchen table and started studying. His head felt like cotton wool an hour later.

He left the book bookmarked on the table. "Kreacher, keep this clean. This book is very important."

"Master, not the sex charms?" asked Kreacher.

"No" said Harry, thinking… good to know... just not right now.

It was a long week for Auror Potter, and every evening, he just studied and practised the mildew charm.

He barely noticed when it finally worked. It affected a tiny patch. Harry repeated the spell, and started trying to over-power it. He slept surprisingly well that night. Thought that might be the new mattress and pillows. The room smelt better.

The cleaning company could wait, thought Harry, and he vanished all the mess in the biggest bedroom, and started on it's mildew.

Harry woke up lying on the floor with a headache. But the room looked clean and mildew free, so he bought a headache potion on the way to work.

The next day Harry managed to make his room mildew free, falling into bed.

A few days later the spell finally seemed to click properly and Harry did two rooms before bed.

Then Ginny came to visit unexpectedly.

"Harry" she said seriously "I had a very strange visitor"

"Who?" asked Harry.

"Daphne Greengrass from Slytherin" said Ginny "She claimed … well that you were marrying her, and … that I was the approved bit-on-the side."

"Uh yeah" said Harry "Bit of a cock-up with signing forms, but you're the one for me. She's… just there as a figurehead."

"So you're not going to fuck her" asked Ginny bluntly.

"No more than I have to" said Harry "There's some tricky contractual things, but happily, as official concubine, you get rooms, allowances and of course, you can change your name if you want… or not. Up to you?"

"I want to be Mrs Potter, not her" said Ginny.

"Well she's getting Mrs Black, so no fight there" said Harry "And we've got new mattresses and pillows."

"I'm … going to be Mrs Potter?" asked Ginny, sounding surprised.

"You can be dear" said Harry. "She has final say in the house about things, so … no shagging in my other bedroom."

"Other bedroom?"

"The one we don't shag in" said Harry.

"Is that all?" asked Ginny.

"She will pick the decorations, I think" said Harry.

"Well I don't care about that stuff anyway" said Ginny.

"D'you wanna see if the new mattress squeaks" asked Harry?

"Why would it squeak?"

"It's innerspring for comfort" said Harry.

…

Ginny rolled over on the bed "This… is very comfy" said Ginny "And it's not mildewy and smells nice."

"I did all that." said Harry cheerfully.

"Because she complained?" asked Ginny eyes narrowed.

"Because she said I should spend money on cleaners." said Harry.

"The place could do with looking better" said Ginny "Are we going to live here?"

"We're … all living here" said Harry "There's fourteen bedrooms. This ones' officially yours."

"But it's ours" said Ginny.

"Yes" said Harry, and the bed didn't squeak at all, again.

Ginny went home looking… well lets face it well shagged.

Harry was sitting at the kitchen table looking at the quite for cleaning when the fireplace flared green and Daphne Greengrass marched out "You" she said "you don't visit?"

"Working" said Harry tiredly.

She walked over "You smell of sex" she said.

"Ginny just left" said Harry.

"Go wash. I'm not smelling that" she said.

"Uh, this is the quote for cleaning and the one under it's for repairs. See what you think" said Harry "I don't know if its good or bad value."

With that he apparated off and had a quick shower. There was some old cologne of Sirius's and Harry perversely splashed it on. It smelled of something.

He apparated down to the kitchen and Daphne was sitting reading the quotes.

"It's not terrible. This building is terrible" said Daphne.

"Should I go with it?" asked Harry.

"It's your money" said Daphne.

"You're the native, I'm an immigrant" said Harry "Should I do it?"

"Oh merlin yes" said Daphne.

"Okay, and I'll pay the extra hundred to get it done this week" said Harry.

"A hundred is a lot you know"

"Says miss, my dowry is eight thousand" said Harry.

"I'm excellent value for money" said Daphne. "You'll see."

"I hope so. Maybe a look today?"

"You were shagging Weasley an hour ago" said Daphne indignantly.

"And you're first wife, so more like the main course than the bit on the side" said Harry lightly.

"Keep trying" said Daphne. "Get the place cleaned up"

"Actually a lot of progress already on mildew" said Harry "come see my bedroom."

"You are an optimist" said Daphne, with a small smile and a shake of her head.

"Just trying to keep it light-hearted" said Harry.

And Harry apparated to his bedroom.

Daphne appeared with a crack, moments later and looked around "Where's the mildew?"

"Gone" said Harry "I've done seven rooms. I'll do the best bathrooms next, and the cleaners will get the rest."

Daphne walked around and eyed the bed "It's not lumpy."

"New Mattress" said Harry "Innerspring and very comfy"

"I'm not inviting you to jump on me" said Daphne, and she sat on the bed cautiously. "It's bouncy" she said, and lay down "Oh… comfy. Send me one as a present for home" she said.

"Nope" said Harry "You want a comfy bed, there's mine here, and yours wherever you want it."

"The big one. Once it's clean" said Daphne.

"It's clean, just empty. The builder will come fix the damage, then we're going shopping for your bed and furniture" said Harry.

"Custom-made?" asked Daphne.

"I'm not bloody Malfoy. Let's see if there's something second-hand you like. There's lots of second-hand furniture shops."

"You… muggles shops"

"There's millions of muggles… so lots of shops" said Harry. "Come see it" he said and apparated to Walburga's… Daphne's bedroom. It was clean, if bare and scratched up.

Daphne didn't appear for a while.

"Where were you?" asked Harry.

"Having a roll on your bed" said Daphne mostly innocently. "This… this looks great. Fix those bits and… I'll need rugs. All the rugs actually."

"I wonder if buying rugs in India or Turkey is cheaper than buying them here?" asked Harry.

"There. The family businesses is import-export. We make money on it" said Daphne.

"Could you get family rates?" asked Harry.

"Hmm... rugs would be a good wedding present" said Daphne "Everyone in my family could do one each"

"I love it" said Harry.

"Says Mr tightwad" said Daphne with a laugh "I'll measure all the existing rugs and this room and One of my uncles overseas can do the actual buying"

"Which brings up the guest list" said Daphne.

"Guest list?" asked Harry.

"For our wedding" said Daphne.

"Ginny was confused by your visit, you know." said Harry "She gets it now."

"Is Granger really signing Weasley up?" asked Daphne.

"I believe she is, yes" said Harry, half smiling.

"Well, I'm pleased with progress, but you're getting nothing" said Daphne. "If I had a bedroom – "

"I have a drawing room, which is entirely suitable for initial snogging. I don't want to have my first attempt at kissing you fail at your wedding" said Harry.

Ten minutes of tentative kissing on the couch later Daphne pushed Harry off "Get off me" she said "You're awful" she said.

"And compared to who?" asked Harry.

"Jean-Lois deBettencourt from Beauxbatons in fourth year" said Daphne firmly.

"But.. he's the new French chaser.. and he's in Quidditch monthly" said Harry frowning "You dated him?"

"You find it hard to believe someone as beautiful as moi could date Jean-Lois? He's the best snogger ever."

"I'm gonna have to lift my game a bit" said Harry.

"You'd have to have a game" said Daphne.

Harry leaned over and delivered a scorching kiss. Daphne gasped as Harry leaned back.

"Why weren't you doing that before?" she asked.

"We'd never kissed" said Harry "I was nervous."

"Well so far Jean-Loius is still better" said Daphne, and Harry leaned over and started to kiss.

A flushed dishevelled Daphne leaned back a lot later, her lips swollen and her eyes wide "You've got some skills" she said.

"I'll catch the snitch" said Harry.

"Daphne waved her index finger "You are a long way from catching the snitch" she said.

"Youngest seeker in a century, and slayer of dark lords, but more importantly, I've caught the snitch in my mouth. So many times" said Harry and waggled his eyebrows.

Daphne snickered "Nice try Potter."

"And your claim of blow-jobs is so amazing. I catch the snitch in my mouth" said Harry.

"You don't really" said Daphne.

"If you only believed" said Harry playfully.

"Has Weasley really got you that well-trained?" asked Daphne.

"You'd better believe it" said Harry.

"Well… maybe you could be persuasive?" said Daphne.

Harry licked his upper lip suggestively.

"You're bluffing" said Daphne.

"I'll be fully clothed, you'll be surprised" said Harry.

"Nice try Potter" said Daphne.

Harry leaned over and kissed an unresisting Daphne, then peppered her neck with descending kisses, finally stopping on her collarbone

"Mmmm" groaned Daphne "Potter, don't try to get my shirt off"

"I'm just proving I'm not just talk" said Harry, and he breathed gently into her ear, and she shivered.

"I'm going home" said Daphne "You take care of yourself" she said, and Apparated away.

Harry sighed. Two girlfriends was a lot of work… but... it was like two different meals.

-==0===-

Daphne flooed straight to Tracey's house instead of going home, and apparated into her bedroom., where Tracey was colour charming her toenails.

"I win" said Daphne "Potter could snog for Britain."

"What about Jean-Louis?" asked Tracey.

"Potter is at least as good, and mine. So… that and he expressed a willingness to… catch the snitch in his mouth. Implied very strongly he was well-trained." said Daphne, flushed.

"And?" said Tracey. "He talks a good game."

"The hickey on my collarbone. I'd like to get it framed" said Daphne, pulling her collar down.

"How good is it?" asked Tracy, staring.

"The showoff trailed kisses down my neck... then the licking suck… I was shivering. He's lethal."

"And?" asked Tracey with a grin.

"Weasley now is keen on the deal, and the new mattresses are heavenly." said Daphne.

"You didn't?" exclaimed Tracey.

"I left before he asked if I wanted to again… and my determination was as ruined as my knickers." said Daphne.

"Who else has Weasley trained?" asked Tracey "Corner…. And Thomas."

"Well a good friend would go check... in the name of arithmancy" said Daphne.

"Corner's with Chang" said Daphne.

"Dean Thomas" said Tracey. "He's poor."

"Halfbood, I think" said Daphne "And… um… dark chocolate"

"What if it's true what they say?" asked Tracey.

"That rumour is spread by the Shafiq males solely to make them desirable." said Daphne.

"Daph… not to rain on your mastery of all things sex, but apart from some snogging with mostly Potter, you're not… experienced."

"Well that's Potters new angle… Getting to know me so my wedding night can be …. good" said Daphne.

"There's a charm for that" said Tracey dismissively. "You should probably go home and take a cold shower. You look shag-crazed."

"Well… if he was one iota more persistent, I'd be arriving several hours later" said Daphne.

"Well thank Maeve for that, you're getting irritating" said Tracey.

"Dean Thomas, who knows?" asked Daphne.

"I'm not a massive sexual predator you know" said Tracey.

"Pansy" said Daphne.

"If only she hadn't signed up as a wannabe-death eater, and had to flee to America" said Tracey "She'd be all over a man rumoured to both eat out and have a huge one."

"It sounds sort of unpleasant, How did Weasley survive?" said Daphne.

"Quidditch player. Lots of time on a broom" said Tracey knowingly. Daphne winced.

"Says miss rides horses and Abraxans" snarked Tracey.

"That's very gentle pressure and spread out. These cushioning charms on brooms aren't that great" said Daphne. "My core isn't getting a broom battered against it for hours on end."

"I'm with you on that." said Tracey. "Hang on… Corners six foot, and Thomas is – well, black. So… is Potter equally sizeable?" she asked.

"I hope not" said Daphne "I don't want some huge thing. I'm not sort of girl."

"You have childbearing hips Daphne" said Tracey bluntly. "And a wide bum to go with it."

"I don't like hearing that" said Daphne.

"And the way guys stare at your bum?" said Tracey "They know what they're seeing."

"Potter was joking about taking the stairs being good for glutes. And then said he wanted to check mine" said Daphne. "I haven't got a fat bum."

"And there's the denial. A horsewoman's bottom" said Tracey snickering.

-==0==-

Harry got home from work to the sound of hammering. He followed it to... Daphne's room where a wizard supervised seven animated hammers nailing up new wainscot and trims.

"Mr Potter!" said the Wizard and the hammers stopped.

"I only olwed the order today" said Harry

"Then we thought about who it was for. We'll have this room done by end of the day, and the house by the end of next week."

"Yes, this room is the priority" said Harry.

As he followed the noises he found wizards and witches vanishing the faded, dried out and rotten wallpapers and others replacing the lights.

Harry had dinner in the … significantly cleaner kitchen and went to bed in a room that lacked a certain amount of dinginess.

The next evening, it was like a funhouse mirror Grimmauld place. The rooms were the same sized, but they looked… like normal big house rooms. The rugs and furniture were still old, but Harry's ceiling looked nice.

The next morning he checked Daphne's room, which lacked furniture, but that was all. The cleaners had made Ginnys' room quite nice. The curtains looked rather naff now.

Harry was eating breakfast when the decorators came and asked about curtains and wallpapers. Harry had no idea, and decided that sounded like a job for Daphne. So he owled her.

'Daphne, interior decorators need direction about curtains and wallpapers' he wrote.

Then he went to work.

He got back from nine hours of being an Auror, to find Daphne sitting at the kitchen table wearily sorting books of fabric samples and wallpaper samples.

"Hello" said Harry.

"They're insane" said Daphne "I've got till tomorrow to decide the whole first floor."

"They are working fast though" said Harry.

"What if I get it wrong?" asked Daphne.

"I can't really tell, and Ginny has no taste either. Get your mum to help" suggested Harry.

"Mummy was here till six, and left to make sure Daddy bothered to eat." said Daphne.

"Have you got a friend with good taste?" asked Harry.

"What about Narcissa Malfoy?" asked Daphne. "Isn't she a Black?"

So Harry owled Narcissa and she arrived by floo at seven, in an elegant black and green robe, with a suspicious expression "What are you doing to Aunt Walburga's house?" she asked.

Daphne explained about the wallpaper and curtains.

Narcissa walked upstairs and looked around the ground floor "Its… much as it was when I was child" she said and apparated off. She reappeared a minute later.

"Its… not very Dark any more" said Narcissa.

"Good isn't that" said Harry.

"Well Miss Greengrass has chosen fairly well… you letter said she's only got tonight?"

"And tomorrow till ten" said Daphne.

"Tonight" said Narcissa "Now…"

Harry went to sleep with his door locked and a protego totalis. Having Narcissa Malfoy in the house did that to him.

After the first floor, Daphne got more confident and had all the patterns picked out by the end of the week.

Which dovetailed nicely with Ginny coming over on Saturday and wandering around.

"So Greengrass picked everything?" asked Ginny dismissively.

"I picked my curtains and wall colour" said Harry "Narcissa Malfoy came to help her when she only had one evening to decide."

"Why her?" asked Ginny.

"Becuase she's my adoptive Aunt, remembers the house and has a mansion full of art and decoration" said Harry "So apart from not having room for albino Peacocks, she's got good taste. Importantly she remembers the house as it was thirty or forty years ago. Not before Walburga redecorated, but there's no Blacks that old still alive. I think. And Aunt Andromeda only likes creams and brown, and that might be boring."

"And what did she think?"

"That it was insufficiently Dark" said Harry "So I asked Daphne to just go with that the next day."

"And she was here all week?"

"Narcissa was here for maybe five hours. I used Protego Totalis on my door." said Harry. "Daphne was here all day all week. She ate dinner at her parents house. I only saw her as she was leaving each night."

"She should get a job" said Ginny.

"She's on a Ministry graduate application, waiting to hear back, but they went and talked to her, so she's probably getting in" said Harry "And I don't know what Department, just that it's not DMLE."

Ginny opened Walburga's old bedroom and looked in, to see a big empty room with silver and blue curtains and a delicate blue grey walls. "Whose is this?"

"Daphne's" said Harry "Her salon is this end apparently, that's what it's for"

"No furniture" said Ginny.

"Some second-hand eventually" said Harry.

Ginny smiled slightly.

Ginny liked the renovated bathrooms, and then entered Harry's old room, which had new blue curtains and repaired plaster. It looked… quite decent.

"I love it" said Ginny "I'll need a broom rack and somewhere for my gear"

"We could transfigure up a special stand?" asked Harry.

"Yeah" said Ginny "It's so roomy"

"And has the same excellent mattress as last time you checked it" hinted Harry.

"Who else is on this floor?" asked Ginny.

"Just you and me, and room for… anyone that might turn up" said Harry "Guests on the first floor by the drawing room, and Daphne on the second floor. All alone."

"No Potters for years" said Ginny "I'll be a starter for the Harpies soon, and then that's me for ten years."

"Then what?" asked Harry.

"Dunno" said Ginny "Maybe commenting on quidditch? Ludo Bagman and his set are all nearly too blind to see the game now, in ten years it'd be a piece of cake."

"You should write like… mock newspaper articles" said Harry "Tell it like it is… and in ten years… you'd have a book. Lockhart made a fortune from books full of bullshit, you'd have just about every match, every team. And if you wanted a reporters job then… you'd be the only person even considered" said Harry.

"So are you going to write your memoirs while you're Auroring?" asked Ginny, grinning.

"Not a hope" said Harry "I want to fade into obscurity. In thirty years I'll be that old has-been, and just some paranoid old Auror."

"Oh, my very own Mad-Eye Moody. Take care not to lose an eye or a nose or a leg" said Ginny "I like you all the way you are."

"Why thank you" said Harry.

"Well, we need to see the rest" said Ginny and Harry finished the tour, ending in Harry's official bedroom with light cream walls and chocolate curtains.

"Why'd you chose that colour for the curtains?" asked Ginny.

"It's the colour of your eyes" said Harry, biting his lip.

"You didn't!" said Ginny "But … this is where you officially sleep, but I'm not allowed to shag you"

"And instead, I can see you… all the time" said Harry soppily. He got a passionate kiss for his efforts.

"What's Regulus's room like?" asked Ginny.

"We kept the colour scheme, mostly and just un-Darked it" said Harry , showing Ginny "It's a little bit Slytherin-ey bit not totally"

"It's like a forest, really" said Ginny.

Harry had a dinner date at Watermeadow arrive by owl over breakfast.

The Greengrasses, Astoria included were pleased with the house renovations. Astoria had apparently decided the bedroom farthest from Daphne's was hers. "If I stay the night" she explained. Cyrus looked slightly pleased.

Then Harry looked over at Daphne and saw her eyes… a particular shade of blue; the colour of the curtains in Ginny's room. And he realised his little trick with the curtains in his official room had backfired. He smiled at Daphne, and she smiled back and blinked slowly. Her eyeshadow, and she never wore eyeshadow was the same colour. Just in case he'd missed it.

He was left in the blue room with Daphne after dinner.

"Harry" said Daphne politely "I have something important to tell you, and it's family business"

Harry sat up, and crossed his arms.

"I got a tip-off from an anonymous member of the family that there's an orphaned daughter of the house of Black out there, and some tips on how to find her. It will involve fixing the family Tapestry, and letting it show the members it won't show now" said Daphne.

"The blown off ones?" asked Harry.

"And the squibs and bastards, I suspect." said Daphne "The girl is apparently about two."

Harry nodded "We have to find her" he agreed. "Family need to look after their orphans."

"Well, the awful part is that when Naricssa Malfoy was at our house, she hinted that there was another Black around, who would return when the time was right"

"Crap" said Harry "They're with a Dark family, and they're going to pour poison in their head, bring them up to be spoilt and dark."

"Worse than Draco, in other words" said Daphne.

"He's pretty bad" said Harry.

"Draco's also a narcissistic, impulsive wanker with far less ability than ego" said Daphne "If this poor girl grows up smart, she could cause all kinds of trouble for the family."

"Lets assume we'll find her, and either house her, or help Andromeda" said Harry. "So … we're getting into the parent business"

"I… I've known for a while" admitted Daphne. "Now, I also found out Aurors get a two week paid honeymoon leave. So we're going. Narcissa suggested South of France, so that's out. I was thinking Italy or the Greek islands."

Harry shook his head "If you have your heart set on two weeks with me on holiday, I know somewhere Narcissa and any links to the old guard don't know about, and can't get to"

"Where?"

"My private Caribbean island, courtesy of Sirius Black" said Harry "It's a private island, reachable only by portkey, with a holiday house."

"You have a Caribbean island" said Daphne "And you didn't mention that?"

"We're going to an … what to the British royal family say… an undisclosed location." said Harry.

"How's it for food?"

"I can cook picnic food for two weeks" said Harry "It's very outdoorsy and warm and warm ocean."

"How warm"

"The high Thirties" said Harry.

"That's really hot" said Daphne.

"Not in a bikini it's not" said Harry, his eyes widening.

"A what?" asked Daphne sharply.

"Muggle swimwear, for hot weather, and muggle sun-block; we would die of sunburn otherwise."

"Are you expecting me to gallivant about in a skimpy outfit for two weeks?"

"Expect, no, hope, yes" said Harry. "It's not like anyone can see, and I'll be in swimwear. I went for a day a six months ago and it was brutal."

"Make sure the building's still there. They have big storms in the tropics" said Daphne.

"I'll make sure there's a tent and supplies, just in case."

"And duplicate portkeys" said Daphne.

"So you'll come?" asked Harry.

"Well, I might as well go somewhere warm" said Daphne.

"Ginny would like you to" said Harry blandly. "And this means I spend two weeks without Ginny"

"At least" said Daphne.

"Get the tapestry fixed as soon as possible" said Harry "Hopefully there are some squibs from the Blacks we can contact. They might need work, and you were right; there are a lot of properties."

"Any somewhere nice" asked Daphne

"The Caribbean" said Harry. "Oh and a château in France, and a manor house here somewhere."

"And you're ignoring them" asked Daphne.

"Limited money, and time" said Harry. "Finding this little girl sounds important. I was an orphan with relatives and it's grim. And death eaters would be worse."

"I need furniture for my room" asked Daphne.

"Saturday, shopping" said Harry "Dress muggle-safe"

"How would you get them home?" asked Daphne drily.

"Deliver to our back shed in the lane" said Harry "It meets up, there's a door there I'm sure"

"Which means I need to get it set up while you Auror about" said Daphne.

"What I like about you is that I can delegate and you get things done" said Harry with a smile.

"And I end up doing all the work"

"While I dodge dark curses and arrest dark wizards." said Harry "It needs doing."

"And as an orphan, you have no family who can help?" asked Daphne.

"Now… that gives me an idea" said Harry "I'll go see my cousin, he's a muggle and see if he will drive a delivery truck for me. I'll have to pay him a little, but the truck can load from the shops and come somewhere convenient, transfigure them into dolls furniture, and apparate home" said Harry.

"Safer and less work. What will the truck cost?"

"We'll rent it. Unless Dudley can borrow one" said Harry.

Harry got a kiss goodnight that was quite ordinary. But heartfelt.

Harry apparated to a house in Surrey. Harry's cousin Dudley was stirred from his computer game by Harry tapping him on the shoulder. Dudley turned, panicked and did something abrupt to the game he was playing, and took off his headphones "Harry?" he asked "What are you doing here?"

"Well two things, I'm getting married, so you wanna come to the wedding?" asked Harry.

"She's one of your lot, a witch?" asked Dudley nervously.

"It's okay Dudley, she's evil and doesn't like me that much" said Harry "It's complicated and just blah. And secondly, can you drive a small furniture truck?"

"Why?" asked Dudley. "I'm not helping you steal stuff"

"Buying some furniture for the evil witch… well, witch and the choice is better at antique shops. I've got a victorian townhouse and her room was totalled by a poor choice of pet."

"Oh, a big dog?" asked Dudley.

"The big dog was the problem" said Harry. "So can you?"

"Yeah, you know there's ones you can drive on a car licence" explained Dudley.

"Can't drive" said Harry. "Never learned. But I did lean to hunt wild boar from giant flying horses. The new wife does that at her parents forest to get meat."

Dudley nodded "Because going to Tesco is too hard?" asked Dudley, what Harry suspected was sarcastically.

"I asked about going to the shops and she called me a townie." admitted Harry.

"So is she pretty?" asked Dudley.

"Stunning" admitted Harry "But not the one I want, but... it's complicated."

"So there's some magical reason you have to marry the evil stunning witch?" asked Dudley.

"I um… signed the contract because it was in my inbox at work" admitted Harry.

"You've got a job?" asked Dudley, surprised.

"Policeman, well, magical policeman. Sort of. Dark wizard catching." admitted Harry.

"Is the pay good?" asked Dudley "I assume it's really dangerous"

"Pays okay." said Harry "Daphne; the new wife, well, she's... from a much richer family and expects me to spend money."

"So… how rich?"

"Big … five room house in country, hundreds of acres rich" admitted Harry.

"And she wants you?" said Dudley incredulously.

"Not me... the family name" said Harry.

"Potter?"

"Black. Sirius Black… he adopted me and left me everything. Officially I'm Harry Potter-Black now. The Blacks are an old magic family and used to be very rich, but they mostly died and well the house needed lots of work. Mildew everywhere."

"So like… Black magic is from them?" asked Dudley.

"Nah, they liked it, but it's a coincidence. I think" said Harry.

"Aren't you famous over there" asked Dudley, you beat that guy right?"

"Yeah… pretty famous for a fluke" said Harry.

"It wasn't a fluke Harry. You beat the like... end of game boss. That... witch I bet she secretly wants you" said Dudley.

"Oh we've um... snogged. She's okay… but my girlfriend… she's better and really great at everything and… we're going to be there too anyway" said Harry.

"And your wife won't mind?" asked Dudley shaking his head.

"Oh she hates it, but there's ways... our laws are different, and well… I'm famous" said Hary.

"So you going to get both at once?" asked Dudley.

"Even suggesting that would have either of them cut my balls of with a magic spell. And at school, the witches used to do that. They'd get dumped or see a boyfriend kiss someone else, or go to a dance and not like where a hand went, and they'd hex the boys bits off." said Harry. "Magic healing can stick them back on, but it's really painful, and embarrassing. Nicer girls just hex in the bits… like getting kneed." said Harry. "Not that I personally had either."

"You'd have to be mental to date a witch then" said Dudley. "Some regular girl, but fit."

"I haven't got much money in pounds, and I can't tell non-family, so that's out… and witches stay fit longer. Her mum is fit. Like looks thirty-something fit."

"So… they're all mega fit?"

"They're mostly… just look like they exercise" said Harry. "The prettiest ones… my mate's big brother, who look like bloody rockstar, he married this really fit French witch and shes... phew. Most blokes just start drooling around her. It's partly magic, but she's mega fit. Like… Cindy Crawford living next door fit." said Harry, picking a name from one of the posters on the wall. Fleur had Cindy Crawford beat, but it was hard to explain.

"Has she got a sister?" asked Dudley.

"The fit French one's little sister has a crush on me" admitted Harry "But she's like… fifteen."
"A bit young" said Dudley. "Does the one you're marrying have a sister?" he joked "Asking for a friend."

"She does but her sisters got some incurable disease. She's' almost in a wheelchair some days" admitted Harry. "For all that she was at school and everything."

"Can't you just magic it away?" asked Dudley.

"It's like… magical incurable cancer. There's magical diseases, and they're much worse." admitted Harry "But muggles can't get them."

"But you hardly get sick" said Dudley.

"My grandparents on dad's side died of a kind of flu we can get" said Harry "We found a vaccine the year afterwards."

"If you got one of those, what do you do?" asked Dudley curiously.

"Go to our hospital and hope the healers get lucky" admitted Harry "It's like the NHS, but with wands. Mostly."

"What day?" asked Dudley "I know a friend of a friend with a little truck"

"Find out the fees to hire one for a whole day on next Saturday, and I'll pay the hire plus… how much?"

"Can it be your wedding present?" asked Dudley.

"Yes" said Harry, feeling touched "And Daphne will be coming to pick stuff, so you'll get to ogle her"

"Why would I?" asked Dudley.

"Cos I stare at her bum" admitted Harry. "If I play my cards right she might wear jeans and a slightly too tight jumper."

"You dog" said Dudley.

Hermione agreed to loan Daphne some slacks and a jumper. Harry couldn't help smiling. Daphne was a size bigger in every interesting direction.