Resilience

Disclaimer: The names, situations, and people affiliated with Gilmore Girls belong to Amy Sherman Palladino. I only wish that I could take created for Luke Danes.

Summary: Each chapter deals with a different time in Luke's life. It is a chance to find out his thoughts about the many women that have influenced him.

A/N : Thanks to catterwall and Anotherjunkie for all their help.

Chapter 1 : I Remember Mama

The dawn is just breaking on this sleepy little Connecticut town. Most of her residents are still tucked away in their beds, hours away from their first dance of denial with the snooze button.

One person could be seen ready to face the day. Ready to face it might be the wrong way to put it since in truth the last thing he wanted to do was deal with people today. Luke Danes is his name, and at this moment he is standing on the sidewalk, staring up at the Williams Hardware sign that is on the building right before him. He takes one final look at it before swallowing hard and starts walking down the deserted Main Street of his town.

This wasn't some daily exercise regimen he was undertaking or an impulsive desire to see the sights of the area. Frankly, if he were asked later, Luke would be hard pressed to name the color of any of the buildings during his trek. No, the importance of his trip was strictly in the destination.

It is an unusually warm and sunny day for November, and Luke feels that the weather is a deserter to his feelings. The picture he sees before him doesn't correspond with his inner pain at all. It's only fair when you are feeling sad and it is taking everything within you to keep from breaking down that the sky embodies these emotions, and throws buckets of water down on the earth. Maybe it's that old 'misery loves company' idea that if it's miserable out then everyone would feel the same way you do. The problem today is that the only water was coming from the big old fat raspberry Mother Nature was giving him.

He can't even draw comfort from wrapping his arms around himself in a comforting hug since the day is unseasonably warm, and his jacket isn't even zipped up. Today offers no such luck with the sun out in full force, and if he pause for a moment Luke can even hear birds chirping. He has no desire to pause and actually tries to increase the impact of his feet on the gravel path in an attempt to drown them out. Or is he really just trying to drown out the thoughts in his head?

He finally arrives at his destination, but instead of a look of accomplishment on his face, all that can be seen is a look of trepidation. In many ways he still feels like the scared little boy he was when he first ever entered this place. This is no surprise considering he's standing in the Stars Hollow Graveyard in front of two grave sites both with headstones that read 'Danes' in big chiseled-out letters.

"My head, my feet, and every other part of me told me that this is where I should be today, but now that I am here I am not sure what I am supposed to do. I know some people talk, but I am not sure what to say."

"Plus, usually when you talk out loud, it is with the desire of someone responding. And no offense, but I am not really ready for that to happen. I think if one of you spoke I would make like Scooby and bolt for the nearest exit."

One could almost see the light bulb flash over his head. "I forgot to bring flowers," he says while hitting his forehead with palm of his hand. 'Everyone knows that the proper thing to do is to bring flowers,' he thinks, 'unless you are Jewish, and then there is that whole thing with rocks. Since I'm not Jewish I am forgiven for not bring a rock, but the same can't be said about forgetting to bring flowers. Since I failed with etiquette maybe I should just start with some small talk.'

"Mom? Dad? I turned the store into a diner. Mom, I know you might have a hard time picturing this considering the first time I ever made breakfast was for you on Mother's Day, and I burned the toast. Trust me, I have improved. It has been open for around 6 months now, and it seems to be doing okay."

Luke pauses knowing that there are deeper issues that he really needs to talk about with them. "There is so much I want to say to you both, but it's hard when you are saying it to topsoil. Mom, do you know that I can't watch the Mary Tyler Moore Show? I know most people would consider that a no-brainier considering it's a chick show and sadly lacking in any car chases or gun battles that a hunter-gather type like myself would want in his Must See TV. The actual fact is that I have always liked the show, or to make this clearer, I always liked watching it with you. It was your favorite show, and the Danes mother-and-son duo made it a weekly tradition to watch it together. It was a funny show, but the real attraction was having this window of time where I had you all to myself. Dad always worked on Saturday night, and Liz was too young to stay up that late. Plus her interest fell more with green monsters in garbage cans." 'Our ritual consisted of pjs, popcorn and Ted Baxter,' he continues in his head. 'It's stupid, but the heartache is too great. Today, even seeing the meowing kitten makes me feel ill inside. It's strange how something that at one time had given me such happiness and joy can just like that become a symbol of pain.'

"In the last year I have spent many hours going through box after box of Dad's stuff that was at the house. It was like going down memory lane." This wasn't something he did often. As a matter of fact, it was usually something that Luke tried not to think about, but today is different. He needs this release. These memories have been packed away in the back of his mind like they were in imaginary boxes, and today he's going to bring them out, rip back the tape and revisit their contents.

"I no longer live at the house. I made Dad's old office into an apartment; it suits my purposes. The house is meant for a family, and my family has all left me." After saying this Luke realizes that he isn't being completely honest with himself. 'Let's face it, the house stopped feeling like home a long time ago. In fact, it stopped being home when it no longer smelled like Mom. At least living in the office I still feel close to Dad. With all his stuff around I can almost pretend he's still here, but most of the things that reminded me of Mom has long been gotten rid of or given away.'

"Going through Dad's things, I came across one of Mom's Dusty Springfield albums in with Dad's Johnny Cash ones. It reminded of the day that Mom got it in her head to teach me to dance." 'Mom, you were always coming up with these ideas,' he reminisces, shaking his head and smiling at this thought. "I can picture the scene like it was yesterday. We were standing in the living room. You had many of your old albums strewn on the floor, and Andy Williams singing Moon River was coming through the speakers. To say I was less than thrilled to be part of this was an understatement. I think that you were trying to show me the box step, and all I could think about is that I would rather be outside playing baseball."

"Luke, you might not realize it now but this is going to be a valuable skill to have."

"Mom, it isn't a skill. It is just something stupid that girls like to do."

"That is the point, Luke. Girls as a rule love to dance, and one day you are going to want to try and impress one."

"Yuck! Mom!" He replied with a great deal of disgust.

"I know that seems truly doubtful at this time, but listen to your wise mother because she knows of what she speaks. Someday, probably not tomorrow, but someday a girl will come into your life that you will think is special, and I am telling you that knowing some dance moves could be very useful in breaking the ice."

Just by the look that Luke was giving his mother you would have sworn that she just told him that all they were having for dinner was brussel sprouts, but the look that his mother gave him in return had just a hint of pleading in it. "I am going to humor you this one time, but we are so not going to make a habit of this."

"Yay!" she exclaimed while clapping her hands together.

'The truth is that I would do pretty much anything if it made Mom smile. I was always a sucker for it. The beauty of it was that it didn't take much to do so. She was always a very warm and tender person that had sparkling eyes and a quick wit. I always thought she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen, and she would laugh it off when ever I said it to her.'

Standing since he arrived, Luke takes his coat off and places it on the ground. He then sits on it to give his legs some relief.

His later memories of his mom are not as pleasant. 'I don't really remember when Mom actually got sick, but I do remember the day things seem to change in the house. She no longer had any energy, and her eyes lost that glow. Times where we would usually cuddle on the couch became her lying on the couch with me and sometimes Liz sitting on the floor next to her. It is a hard to think back to that time because I never felt like that was my mother anymore. I remember that one day I even said that to her.' This thought makes him grimace. 'I think I would have caused her less pain if I had slapped her in the face. Being so young I didn't understand the magnitude of her illness.' The guilt from that memory still eats away at him today, and the only visible sign of these thoughts is the sudden clenching of his jaw.

To work out the muscles in his jaw, Luke decides to speak. "Dad, I never told you that I overheard you and Mom arguing one night. I didn't really understand it at the time, but you were fighting about me. Mom wanted to tell me about her illness, but you were against it. I can still hear her saying, 'he needs to know!' In the end you won out. You claimed that I was too young. I think that your unwillingness to believe that anything was going to happen to her flawed your logic. In the end she was gone, and I was left not truly understanding why. There were times I could tell by the look on your face that you wished that you had prepared me, but then that would have meant that you had prepared yourself. The irony is that after all the hospitals beds, the caskets and the grown men crying I had no choice but to grow up after all."

'Dad and I were never really that close when I was small. He was the bread-winner in a family that was trying to keep a business afloat. The hardware store took up a great deal of his time, and his family had to deal with this. I am not saying that he neglected us. He was at every one of my baseball games. Mom was the one who when you least expect it would turn into the tickle monster, and also was the only one whose kisses held the healing power needed when we have fallen off our trikes. He did love us and we had no doubt in that, but it wasn't something that he really ever said.'

'The sad truth is that Dad and I actually got closer really only after Mom died. It seemed that we were both trying to fill the void that she left.'

'The store was a place where I could go and hide from everything. Things needed to be done. Shelves needed to be stocked, customers needed to served and Dad needed someone to make sure he remembered to eat. The Danes men were so much alike that we both easily fell into our silent worlds. The fog that Dad was in was hard to penetrate. A few times I had tried to talk to him about my feelings for mom, and for the guilt over not truly realizing magnitude of her illness.' He would just say "You were just a kid. That is the way you are expected to act. She never doubted for one moment that you loved her, and the last thing she ever wanted to do was leave you and Liz. You were her life." 'I had heard the words, but it did little to relieve my guilt.'

While sitting, Luke is pulling tufts of grass out of the ground. He isn't doing it for any reason except to keep his hands busy.

'Thank God for Maisy and Mia,' he thought. 'They were both great help in those few years after Mom died. They could never replace Mom, though; she had energy beyond compare. I don't think I have ever met anyone quite like her. They basically kept the house running, and making sure Liz wasn't forgotten in this house of men. Dad wasn't a bad guy, he just tended to get lost in himself. Mom had really been the only one that had been able to get him out of his shell. She was like the light and we were in the dark for a very long time without her.'

"I have so many memories of you, Mom. But unfortunately I don't have many other things to remember you by. Dad thought it was best to get rid or give away many of your possessions. That's one of the downfalls of being a kid, you often lack the right to having a say in such matters. From boxes that were at the house I have managed to unearth a few things, and I have hidden them away from prying eyes. A copy of Nancy Drew's Secret of the Old Clock and a small velvet case that houses your engagement ring are two of those things. I am not sure what I am going to do with them, but I am sure that someday I will."

"I know that everyone thinks that I am a nutcase for keeping all of Dad's stuff at the store the same, and I have no doubt that Dad would agree with them. I already lost most of everything that reminds me of Mom. I don't want to ever regret losing anything that was a part of Dad."

After replaying a few of the things he has said and thought today back in his head, Luke feels that there is one thing that he needs to make clear to his father. Even though he knows that he doesn't really have to say out loud it makes him feel better to do so.

"Dad, don't think that I didn't enjoy all those years at the store with you. It was the opposite. We had some spectacular times together. Times that I wouldn't give up for the world. I am just saying that without Mom there was always an underlying feeling of sadness. I think that I really needed this today. I think that I needed this time to face the past and all the demons that live there." He pauses and takes this opportunity to stand up and give his back a stretch. Luke is so deep in thought that he doesn't hear someone coming up from behind. His first indicator is when a hand slips into his. He acknowledges the contact by giving the hand a little squeeze. He looks up into the sky and can tell by where the sun is that it's now past noon.

"I thought that I would find you here."

"Really?"

"Well, it was a year ago."

Luke answers by just looking down at his feet and nodding his head. 'Yes it was a year ago.' When he lifts his head he turns to look at the woman standing beside him. 'This woman who has been a great support system for me. She has this great ability to know what needs to be done, and is more than willing to help out. She doesn't push to make me talk or really put any pressure on me. I am so lucky to have her in my corner during this upside-down time in my life. She is the shining star in my sad existence.'

"Have you been here all day?"

"Pretty much."

"Are you okay? You look like you slept in those clothes."

"Hey, this look is in now," he says with a small smile, trying to lighten the mood.

"Oh yeah, you are so Kurt Cobain."

"I had the look first," he counters.

"I wouldn't brag," she says dryly.

They stand in silence for a few moments.

"Do you want me to stay with you?"

"No, that's okay, Rachel. I think that I need this time alone with my thoughts."

"Okay." She gives his hand a final squeeze before releasing it. "I'll see you later," she says very pointedly. "This running off by yourself without telling anyone? I hope you don't start making a habit of it."

As she turns to leave, he thinks to himself, 'Don't count on it.'

TBC