Ranma 1/2:
A Gent from Nerima
by Jim Robert Bader
(Based on the characters and concepts created by Rumiko Takahashi)
A Day In the Life of Ranma Saotome!
Okay, so it's like this: I'm a guy and guys don't go writing down their personal thoughts or nothing. It's not like I'd ever do something as dumb and unmanly as keep a journal or a little diary like Akane uses while she thinks I don't know nothing about it.
Right, just so you know I didn't write this stuff down, I'm dictating it into tape recorder Nabiki's holding up to my face. She says she's doing it to get my side of things and not for blackmail purposes or any of her usual reasons. Yeah, like I'll believe that!
Anyway, this isn't about her, it's about me, or rather me saying stuff to refute the charges and totally unfair accusations that have been thrown at me lately. I mean, ever since I came to this stupid town it's been one thing right after the other, and nobody ever stops to listen to my side of the story, uh-uh, no way! That's why I'm doing this, to get my side of the story on the record.
Y'see, it all began this morning on the way to school. Akane had run on ahead to meet up with her friends early, so I was all alone by myself when I heard Ryoga snarling out, "Ranma! You die!" which I figure is his way of saying hello, how are you, and what lovely weather we've been having. It's not like it really means anything since he tries to kill me at least three times a week, not counting holidays and weekends.
Anyway he takes his usual swing in my general direction and I vault around and over his head knocking him to the ground, then I ask what's up and what was it that had him ticked off this time. After the usual guff about me not figuring it out for himself he goes and tells me it's Akane's birthday and he'd heard her complain about it in her bed the night when he was in pig form-or more of a pig than he usually is, anyway, and how she was expecting a nice present from me, and I'm like, "Doh!" because I had completely and totally forgotten!
This is not a good thing. Akane ain't the most understanding person I know when it comes to perfectly ordinary things like forgetting what date it is. Like I got time to look it up on a Calendar with all the stuff I go through on a slow day? You don't see guys making such a fuss about birthdays, do you...and stop smirking at me like that, Nabiki. I thought girls didn't want to be reminded when they get to be your age!
Hey, what are you getting upset at me for? It's the truth you know! Girls think we ought to be thinking about them every minute of the day, like we're all walking sacks of hormones or something! Anyway, like I said, Akane wouldn't understand, so I know right away that I gotta get something nice for her or I'm never going to hear the end of it. So I leave Ryoga where he is head on to school, just managing to beat up Kuno and make it into class on time, for once, but all the while I'm trying to think about what I should get her.
I mean when it comes to picking something nice for Akane I'm kind of at a loss. I know I call her an Uncute Tomboy and stuff, but she can be really sensitive about the silliest stuff, and the little things mean a lot to her, so when it comes to choosing a present I'm about as much in the dark as she is about Ryoga. So naturally I did the only thing that came to mind, I went and sought out Ucchan...
What do you mean insensitive? Ucchan's like my best friend, somebody I can talk to, or who at least lets me finish a sentence before she whacks me one with that spatula of hers. I can always go to her for advice when it comes to feminine stuff, I mean, who better to ask than another Tomboy what somebody like Akane would like for her birthday?
Oh, well...yeah, I know Ucchan's got a thing for me, and maybe it wasn't the most tactful thing to do asking her for advice about Akane. It's not like I asked for her to fall for me or nothing...I mean, she's really sweet, and very cute, and I like her a lot and...uh...what was the question again? Oh yeah, what to get Akane for a present.
Well, once I explained everything, like I said, Ukyo heard me out, listened to every word that I said, then the next thing I know she's unslung that spatula of hers and dented it against my head, saying, "Ranma, you Jackass!" which she always says with a lot of affection, so I know that's just her way of getting my attention. See what I mean? Talking to her is just like talking to a guy, only she's kinda put together nicer...
Once she calmed down she allowed that maybe it was a good thing that I came to her for advice about Akane. I asked if she thought maybe candy or flowers might do the trick. She dismissed the candy idea, reminding me that Akane was trying to watch her diet, and sweets would only make her think I was implying she was fat or something. As for flowers, well...they cost a lot more money than what I had on me at the time, and that's more like something Kuno would do. Besides, if I gave her roses that came from one of his bouquets she'd just think I was being cheap. I wanted to get her something nice, so I asked Ukyo what she would have liked if it were her birthday.
Girls can be real funny when it comes to asking a simple question because Ukyo got all flustered and tongue-tied, as if the thing she wanted to have for her birthday was something real embarrassing or something. I got the impression that whatever it was couldn't be bought in a store, but that just left me even more confused than before I asked her. In the end she suggested I just think of something nice that Akane could use on a practical basis, that she would like and that could meant a lot to her personally, but the last thing I wanted to get that violent Tomboy is another stupid wooden mallet!
Anyway, Ucchan suggested I get something nice from a specialty shop on the other end of town. It has all kinds of nice junk that doesn't cost a lot of yen, and I thought maybe I could borrow some money from Ucchan since she thought of it, and after she banged me on the head again she agreed to lend me a couple thousand yen to keep me out of trouble, or that's how she put it anyway. I guess she thought it was better for me to borrow from her than from you-uh, somebody who'd charge me a lot of interest.
I had to wait until classes were over and Miss Hinako had finished giving out assignments before I could head out to buy Akane her present. The address she gave me was about three kilometers, so it only took me about five or six minutes to cross that by rooftop and I was almost there when I got that funny feeling you get just before people try and attack you...you know the one that I mean? Oh, you don't know what that feels like. Why am I not surprised...?
Well, I'm pretty much of an expert on that feeling...call it an early warning sense, or just plain self-preservation, but with somebody always attacking me at least two or three times a day I can qualify the different levels of threat just by the degree to which that feeling hits me, and this was a definite four alarmer. The dead give away was the bell chimes-only one thing in this world makes that noise-which is how I knew to look up instead of around me. Sure enough there's a bicycle heading right towards me being ridden by a certain Amazon who won't be nameless. I mean, who else besides her can ride a bicycle up the side of a building in order to try and nail me like a bug on the wall? This really ain't a multiple-choice-type question!
I thought briefly about dodging her, but somehow she'd find a way to angle her trajectory to land on top of me anyway, so I just braced for the inevitable impact and was smacked into the roof as about fifteen kilos of bike and fifty-
two kilos of bouncy Chinese delivery girl came landing right on top of me with uncanny precision. As I'm recovering from the pinwheels going off behind my eyes I heard her ever-cheerful voice call out, "Nihao, Ranma! You come see Shampoo? I sooo happy!"
Yeah, well, that's usually how she talks you know, and like a stuck needle on a broken CD player she asked me for a date, like usual, and I refused, which is also pretty much our usual pattern. I mean, I've dated her maybe once or twice in the whole year plus that I've known her but she asks me out again nearly every time we meet, and you've got to hand it to her when it comes to such persistence. Once she gets past the usual drill, though, she's actually pretty nice to talk to and doesn't always use that "Shampoo speak" around me. Her Japanese has improved a little and sometimes I even catch her making a contraction or speaking of herself in other than the third person.
She asked what I was doing on this end of town and I tried being evasive and all that, but you know what she's like when she's after me for attention...it's all I can do to keep her hands from touching me in all kinds of inappropriate places! I had to give her something to think about besides me, so I told her I was looking for a birthday gift, and naturally before I can finish the sentence she thinks I mean a birthday gift for her, and how did I know she was having a birthday next month? Honestly, some people just hear what they wan to hear, can I be blamed for that?
So naturally I'm on the spot and have to promise I'll get something nice for her, which just makes my day complete because if I don't know what to buy for the Uncute Tomboy, I sure as heck don't know what I can buy that will make a cute Chinese Amazon happy!
Huh? What do I think about Shampoo? What kind of a question is that?! Yeah, I said she's cute, but anybody with eyes in their head can see that! She's violent, possessive, doesn't take no for an answer and...what do you mean just like Akane? What could those two possibly have in common besides a tendency to blame me for their problems!
Well, yeah I guess Shampoo does kind of like me, and she's nice sometimes when she ain't glomping onto me or being a real pest, and I think she's kind of fun to be around when she's just being helpful, like that time we all went up against Kirin and those Seven Lucky God Martial Artists. I know she's got those stupid laws that say she's my wife and all that, but I never agreed to none of that, although I have to admit she's probably make somebody a pretty nice wife, and she doesn't beat me up anywhere near as much as Akane...
Uh, let's get back to the story, shall we? Now I had to get two presents and with only enough money to buy something nice for one of them! At least I was able to get Shampoo to let me go on my own since she had deliveries to make and the Ramen was getting cold. I promised I'll look her up later, and so I got back to the job at hand and pretty soon found that address Ucchan gave me, which turned out to be a shop with a name that was something like "The Deva Liquidator," which didn't mean a whole lot to me just as long as it was open to do business.
I'd been through that part of town a lot of times without seeing that place, so I pretty much knew that this was one of those shops you come across that's there one minutes and disappears the next. You know the kind I mean, mysterious proprietor, really weird atmosphere, as eerie as a haunted house or something like that, so I thought this was cool. I mean, you can get some really neat junk at those places! Of course I still haven't figured out how to use that "D-Rod" I got from the last one...
Anyway I step through the door and who do I find standing behind the counter but that guy we met in the Temple of Lost Love. He didn't seem to recognize me, though, or denied it was him, saying it was more like a cousin who just looks a heck of a lot like him. Well, I was gonna tell him what I was there for but he seemed to guess right away, which saved a lot of time and embarrassment as he pointed me to what he claimed was the right section.
I had to sort through all sorts of stuff before I could find something I thought would work great for Akane. What kind of stuff did I find there? Ah, nothing special, just some beat up old round shield with an American flag painted on it, a really old looking mallet that was kinda heavy, like Ryoga's umbrella, this simonized surfboard that you could see right though that looked like it was alive or something, this long black sword that made a funny noise when I picked it up, and this ring that had these funny symbols on it...you know, the usual kind of stuff you normally find in these places.
I was about to give up in frustration when I spotted something that really caught my eye...or rather two somethings. It was a pair of matching bracelets, one has this ornate dragon biting its own tail, the other one had a phoenix, or something like that, doing pretty much the same thing, which was...weird, I dunno, maybe kinky...but they looked pretty good, almost like a matched set, so I asked the proprietor how much and he tells me this is one of those two-for-one sales, buy one and you get the other one free. That sounded about right, but before we could close the deal and I asked him what they were for and right away he tells me the things are magical, that they were called Friendship bracelets and that exchanging the two of them could bring two people closer together. I had to think about that one, wondering if this was one of those deals that might transfer personality or stuff like that, and I had a mental flash of being glomped by the Tomboy and whacked by the Amazon, calling me a pervert. I wasn't too sure if that would be much of an improvement or not, so I asked him and he told me that wasn't the sort of magic that worked with them, so I guessed it was all right and gave him the money from Ucchan...and stop smirking at me, Nabiki! Yeah, of course I should have asked him what those stupid things really did do, but I was kinda in a hurry, y'know what I mean? Okay, just so we have that much straight between us...
Anyway, I had him wrap the bracelets separately then left the shop and headed back home so I could be in time to enjoy some of Kasumi's cooking when I got that funny feeling again, that I was gonna be attacked, and as usual I dodge to the side just as a bunch of chains, a couple knives and a spear or two whiz past my head, so I know right away it's Mousse come calling. He went into his usual, "Saotome you Swine!" routine, mad as a wet hen because Shampoo had been gushin' about me getting her a birthday present, so of course he's pretty ticked off about that. Honestly, you'd think that guy would get a clue that Shampoo ain't into his smother-with-attention act...she's better at givin' that to me than she is at takin' it herself. A loser like him just don't compare with me...ain't his fault, it's just a fact of nature, like his crummy eyesight and tendency to run into things without looking, like my fist on this occasion.
Huh? Whadya mean what do I think about Mousse? Well, I guess he ain't all that bad a guy when you calm him down and get him to act normal-like. Oh sure, he's always trying to kill me because he thinks I stole his girl, but it's not like he's ever really had a chance of beating me, and if I had a grudge against everybody who's ever even tried to kill me then I'd be mad at half of Nerima, and what's the point of that? And when you get Mousse alone he's a pretty cool guy and knows lots of neat stuff because he's been to a lotta places. If he'd only get a clue and find somebody else to chase after he'd do all right for himself, if he'd just to control those homicidal impulses...
Well, to get back to what happened next, I decided to take a detour back to the Nekohanten to drop Mousse off and give Shampoo her present, then I got out of there before the Old Ghoul could start making plans to turn this to her advantage, like maybe making the present into a wedding gift, or something like that. Once I got back to the house I decided maybe I oughta hide it someplace so I could give it to Akane later on, on I'm no good at hiding stuff so I try to think of someplace she won't look, and that's when the old lech showed up to cause trouble, like usual. I caught him coming out of Akane's room with a sack of unmentionables slung over his shoulder. I try to stop him, of course, and we do our usual tangle with him just staying out of reach while stuff gets broken and I maybe get sent through one or two walls, and then I land on something soft and think maybe the old goat is losing his touch when Akane comes home and starts yelling at me, and that's when I find out I landed on her bed. The next thing I know I'm flying out her window care of Akane express and I don't stop until I'm halfway back to Ucchan's.
Yeah, that's where I limped back to nurse my wounds as soon as I got the garbage off me from the spot where I landed. I figured it'd take Akane a couple of hours to calm down, given her usual rate of nuclear decay, and of course Ucchan is all worried and fussing about a few minor cuts and bruises, like I don't pick up enough of them on a regular basis!
Anyway I figured spending an hour around her place would be a good place to lay low, and of course the minute I think that who should turn up but Tsubasa, who had disguised himself as a flower pot just looking for the chance to attack me. Talk about clueless losers! You'd think he'd know by now that Ucchan might like to cross-dress like a guy, but she definitely does not go in for guys who cross-
dress like she does. All the cross-dressing creep managed to do was get me wet when I put him to sleep for a few hours, and sure enough-like clockwork-the next guy who comes along is none other than Kuno!
Now normally that guy wouldn't come anywhere near Ucchan's, mainly because he thinks he's above dining in a common "eating establishment," or so the baka described the supreme "sacrifice" he was making coming over to dine there. Ordinarily Ucchan would have thrown the guy out of there except that somebody-
who-shall-go-nameless-talked her into using the place for a meeting spot to sell pictures, and three guesses who that is! Yeah, don't look at me like that, Nabiki! Funny how whenever you wind up short on cash I suddenly get turned into a swimsuit model!
Huh? Kuno? Well, not much to say there, other than that the guy's a few screws loose from a Honda. Frankly that whole family of his look like a poster board on the evils of inbreeding, and he's not the worst of it by a long shot! That sister of his is definitely creepy! Kuno thinks he's living in the feudal age or something where he's a great Samurai living a heroic quest to free his Osage no Onna from the 'Clutches of the villainous Saotome.' Yeah, that's right, I can say it. I've heard him say it to me often enough I could recite the lines in my sleep, Kami knows he's been asleep long enough right after he says it.
Anyway this is where he sees me and comes onto me with his usual spiel, forgetting all about why he was there at Ucchan's in the first place, and naturally I've gotta protect myself from that molester, so when he gets in reach of me I lash out with a good solid punch that knocks him from one end of the restaurant to the other, and how was I to know the bloody idiot was gonna land on the other side of the counter right on Ucchan's grill! You think when I punch a guy he'd have enough sense to land on something that ain't gonna cause his robes to catch fire, but that's just like Kuno to have even less sense of direction than even Ryoga!
So that's how the rumor got started that I set fire to Ucchan's place and tried to burn Kuno at the stake, but of course the moron just twisted it around like he always does and claimed I was only setting him on fire in a...what's that word he used? Metamorphical, or something like that. Oh yeah, a Metaphor thanks. Anyway, it ain't true that Ucchan's place burned down since we got the fire out in no time flat, mainly cause she flattened him with her spatula, which put the fire out real quick. Of course Ucchan started yelling at me and saying I oughta be more careful, like I did it deliberately or something, and before I know it she tossed me out along with Kuno, an' that's how we wound up in that pile of trash together, not 'cause I was makin' out with him or nothing perverted like that! Of course with the luck I was having it only made sense that the first persons who saw us were my so-called buddies, Hiroshi and Daisuke.
Okay, maybe I should make it kinda clear that these two morons latched onto me almost the first day I was in class, and just 'cause I didn't chase them off right away doesn't exactly make them like my best friends, 'cause Ucchan's more of a friend than they are, an' I don't really blame her for being angry. Hiroshi and Daisuke were among the first guys to pester me about my other half, but just as soon as they figure out about my curse you'd think that would turn 'em off to me, right? Well, that sure didn't happen! If anything they bought more pictures of me off of you than anybody else except Kuno! I've always kinda wondered about that, like am I really that attractive as a girl that other guys will forget that I'm a guy too and look at me like they still wanna date me? Cheese! Oh sure, I let them hang around with me and all that, but sometimes I get the feeling they're just waiting for a chance to catch me in the buff or something, which happens a lot more than I'd swear was even possible in this screwy prefecture! So why should I be surprise to find out they started spreading rumors about finding me with Kuno? As if they don't already know that I'd sooner eat a live cat than be caught dead with Kuno.
Hmm...maybe it's something in the water here that makes people act the way they do. I mean, think about it...I'm a guy who turns into a cute chick, and by now just about everyone in our school knows about this, including Miss Hinako, but no matter how many time I tell people that I'm really a guy they still think I really deep-down like all the attention I get in both of my forms. Oh sure, I use the Cute Girl act to con some sweets and stuff out of people, but it ain't like I got the money to throw around buyin' enough to keep a growing boy like me fed, not with the Old Panda around fighting me for every scrap of rice at the dinner table! I guess Kuno's not the only one who forgets what I really am when he sees me in my girl half. Sometimes I think only you and Kasumi are beyond this "Let's dump everything on Ranma" crap, and you mainly think I'm some kind of family resource to exploit whenever you figure up some scheme in which you can use me.
Well, to get back to the main point here, I start to head home when I see Daisuke and Hiroshi talking to Yuka and Sayuri, and I'm thinking, "Great, now Akane's gonna know I was fighting with Kuno again," only I get near enough to hear them and it's really, "Did you hear the news? Saotome and Kuno are gonna elope and run away together!" Well, right about there I nearly lost it, but there was no way I was gonna get them to listen to my side of the story, so I shrugged my shoulders and headed back home, hoping nobody would take this seriously, which shows you just how hard I must've been pounded that day because you'd think that I'd know better.
Yep, that's right, before I can even make it to the house there's this scary laugh that tells me who's about to show up, and sure enough there's Kodachi confronting me and crying out how delighted she is to learn that her "Ranma-
sama" had at long last "come to his senses" and was going to dump me to run off with her, which oughta tell you just how much people listen to the parts of rumors that they already agree with. Naturally she wants to rub my nose in it because she thinks I'm secretly dating myself, but I ain't got time for this, so I tell her to beat it, figuring that I'm still a girl and I can whip her ass and not feel guilty about it...and what d'you mean she'd probably enjoy that? Who's side are you on anyway, Nabiki? (As if I had to ask that question 'cause I already know the answer!)
Unfortunately-or fortunately, if ya wanna look at it that way-that's when the pervert showed up to cop a quick feel off of both of us, and then he waves Kodachi's bra under her nose and the race is off with the self-proclaimed "Black Rose" in hot pursuit of one spry old freak who's laughing it up all the way to wherever they wound up, and who knew the perv could do anything so useful? I'm standing there shaking my head for about a minute before I hurry on to the house, and that's where things really started getting crazy since before I knew it the Old man and your Pop were cornering me demanding to know what I'd done to Akane.
Like...say what? I'm standing there stunned as the old Panda launches into one of his typical speeches about my "moral responsibility as a martial artist" to look after and protect her, and I don't have a clue to what he's talking about, not even when your Dad accused me of trying to ruin his family! Naturally I had to ask Kasumi what the heck those two were blubbering about, and she tells me that Akane found my gift and put it on and then started acting real strange all of a sudden. She said she had to go somewhere and took off without waiting to grab her coat or nothing, and I'm starting to sweat because I remembered forgetting to ask the shopkeeper what he meant by saying the bracelets will bring people closer together. I had to go looking for you so I could figure out which of Akane's usual haunts she might've headed out to, only before I can start checking out the leads we get another visitor in the form of the old woman.
Yeah, Cologne...the so-called Matriarch of the Chinese Amazons, only they seem to be getting along just fine without her since she spends most of her time here in Japan trying to con me into marrying her great granddaughter. Seems Shampoo went walking out of their restaurant shortly after putting on the bracelet I gave her, and she wanted to know if any of us had seen a cute purple haired chick anywhere around, like there are that many other girls who match that description! Of course I started to worry that maybe it wasn't the brightest idea I'd ever had to give those two magically charged bracelets, but it was kinda like crying over spilled tea at that point, so I agree to help the old Ghoul find Shampoo track the both of them down before things get too out of hand, y'know? I mean, who knew they were gonna meet in the park of all places and start coming onto each other?
Yeah, that's right! Those damned bracelets I gave them weren't just "Friendship" in the Platonic sense, they meant something more like, "Forget everything, I wanna be your Girlfriend and do the tango in the nude" kinda "Friendship." We come along and find them behind a bunch of bushes with their clothes all over the place and kissing each other like they forgot that they were supposed to hate each other, or something. I later found out that the shop owner made a huge mistake selling me those things on account of he thought I'd be wearing one of them, as if guys could wear fancy bracelets and stuff without looking funny! So yeah, I wanted my money back big time, and meanwhile the old ghoul and me are trying to figure out what to do about this. I suggest taking the bracelets away from the girls while she says something about renting them a hotel room, which I guess is some kinda weird Amazon humor.
Okay, so this makes things a little more complicated between me, Akane and Shampoo, right? I mean, no way am I gonna marry either one of them, but I'm kinda hurt that they'd do something like this out in the open. Right away I know that telling Pop and Mister Tendo what happened is a bad idea, and who knows how a thing like that would affect Ryoga! Good thing the girls snapped out of it once we got a bucket of water and threw it on them to cool things down. Akane just sputtered and noticed that she was naked, then called me a pervert for watchin' her-as if there was anything to see, right? Of course Shampoo turned into a C-C-C-Cute something that I ain't gonna mention, except that she turns and looks up at me and forgets all about what form she's got as she takes a flying leap and winds up hugging my face before I can stop her!
And that's the reason I went Neko, okay? It wasn't like I meant to or destroy all that stuff or nothing, I just wanted to get the heck out of there before Akane could go after me with a mallet. So maybe I did bust up a lot of things on the way, wasn't exactly like I could see where I was goin' with Shampoo plastering herself over my eyes and all that. It was just a perfect way to end a perfectly normal day for me, y'know? And so what if they found me curled up in a ball a couple hours later sitting on a sofa with Shampoo curled up on top of me sleeping like a...er...ah...well, like what she was, right? That doesn't mean I proposed to her or nothing, so the Old Ghoul had no business sayin' I had in front of Pop, Akane and Mister Tendo!
And that's why I'm hiding out here in this closet in Nabiki's room, not because I'm scared or nothing like that, it's just a lot safer than being outside with everybody who wants to pound on me or yell at me on account of this big misunderstanding! The girls are mad at me for the usual reasons, the guys want to pound on me for upsetting the girls, and the fathers want to bushwhack me into another surprise Wedding ceremony with Akane, only their mood ain't helped by Akane insisting that Shampoo should be with us at the altar...go figure!
Hey, it's not like I'm not used to having people crowd on my action, but sometimes I get a little annoyed that folks think I'm weird, perverted and violent and don't have any more brains than a mouse. I ain't like the old freak chasing after lingerie, I don't enjoy the fact that my cursed half is cuter than anybody else except Shampoo, and exactly who am I being compared against with the "Violence" label...Kasumi? I mean, by the standards of this town I must be pretty much below ordinary...and what's that supposed to mean, Nabiki? Who are you calling clueless? Okay, okay, so maybe letting you get all of this on tape isn't the smartest thing in the world, but I figure you're gonna blackmail me one way or another, so I ain't got that much to lose, especially seeing as I blew all my money on those presents...
Huh? Whatdya mean we'll work things out? You got a plan to get the Fathers off my back, huh? What do you want me to do to keep you from showing that tape around...? All right, Nabiki, what do you...? Huh? You're kidding! You want me to WHAT with you? You don't mean...WAIT! Don't scream! Okay, okay, I'll do whatever you...hey! Quit that! What are you...? Help...!
(Sound of handheld tape player hitting the floor is followed by stranger noises of a somewhat aggressive nature, implying two people wrestling in a closet, and then it is shut off and the rest is silence...)
Continued.
Comments/Criticism/Nerima Life and Times: shadowmane
Dedicated in respectful memory to Conan's creator, Robert E. Howard, who's "A Gent From Bear Creek" stories about Breckinridge Elkins in large part inspired the telling of this monologue-based story. I recommend reading the book to anyone who wants to fall over laughing about Westerns!
Jim Robert Bader
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