Kouhai-Fest

Chapter 1: Kouhai Takes All

The battlefield was a mess.

Then again, Fujimaru had never quite seen a battlefield that wasn't a mess. Was there such a thing as a clean battlefield? If there was, he bet that Nightingale had seen it before. He paused and shook his head. Best not bring it up to her; if such a thing didn't exist, her particular breed of Madness would make it happen, come hell or high water. No, best to keep such random musings to himself.

Those musings were promptly derailed as another explosion caught his attention, and drew his gaze back out onto the now mostly destroyed arena, the field of Servants who hadn't quite returned to the Throne, and the two remaining Servants facing off against one another.

"Will you just give up already?! Geeze Mashu-chan, there's a limit to how obsessed with someone you can get!"

"You won't lay a hand on Senpai, BB! No matter what you throw at me, I will win this!"

Fujimaru sighed. At the beginning of the week, he'd believed Mash to be better than this, or at the very least a bit more sane, but he had been proven quite wrong. Mashu could be as crazy as the rest of the entourage he journeyed with. A smarter man would have simply walked away and left the two to their own devices, and given the recent prior events, he would have gladly done so. Unfortunately, he was still tied to the giant cross that had been erected, displaying him as a prize to be won. 'There's a lesson to be had here,' Fujimaru thought to himself, 'But I'd like to think I've been a nice enough Master not to need this particular one!'

A pair of massive, spiked, black tentacles launched themselves through the air with enough speed to make an audible whistling sound, only to be swatted out of the air with a deafening metallic BOOM as Mash intercepted them full force with her shield. "For Senpai's sanity, health, and innocence, I will never let you touch him!" Mashu declared, pausing briefly to allow a few camera flashes from the remaining Servants who'd somehow survived the insanity.

"Please," BB scoffed, grinning wickedly from ear to ear, "I'm the superior Kouhai. Do you really think you could handle Senpai's lust? That poor piggy needs a Kouhai who can keep him in line and take care of all of his needs..." BB finished with a pose of her own, to a series of camera flashes from the remains of the stands.

Mash's blush could be seen from all over the arena, and yet she did not falter, driving her shield into the ground and activating the bolt to keep it secured. "Senpai isn't like that! A-and even if he was, I-I...I could do that just as good as you could!"

"Yeah, you tell her!" Fujimaru winced as he heard the voice of Edward Teach echo across the field. Of course, of all the people who survived, Blackbeard had to be one of them. A tentacle appeared from empty space next to BB, and launched across the field, slamming into the stands. "Yeouch! I'm not into that! Save that for Mashu-chan!"

"Damn it, Blackbeard!" Fujimaru shouted, and almost instantly regretted his decision as he immediately became the center of attention. 'Crap.' Fujimaru felt sweat drip down his brow as both beauties approached him. Mashu's determined expression demanded attention, and BB had her usual mischievously devilish smile that promised...something, but probably nothing good for his help. 'Okay, it's fine, you can use this to your advantage. Time to put that old classic Master bullshit that got you this far, to work.' He cleared his throat and straightened himself up as best he could, given his binds, and spoke in what he thought would be an authoritative voice.

"That's enough, both of you! This whole festival was a terrible idea in the first place, and it's gone way too far! Mash, I expected more out of you, and BB-" He paused, expression falling. "This is pretty par for the course, but this is too much! Now get me down from here!"

A brief spark of hope flared up in Fujimaru's chest as he noticed Mash's expression change to a regretful one, as though she suddenly realized her actions. This was dashed, however, when BB spoke up. "Nope!" She singsonged, her smirk becoming even more wicked (if such a thing could be believed.) "I told you already Master; Not until Kouhai-Fest has a winner and said winner can sweep you away to a romantic evening alone…"

At that, Mash's gaze hardened and she turned back to BB. "No one would trust you around Master alone! I won't let you have this!"

"Ugh! Don't you know men don't like clingy girls! Why won't you stay down!"

Fujimaru groaned and let his head hang. He couldn't even indulge in the idea that it had "all gone so wrong," at some point, as the entire situation was wrong from the get go. All he could do was watch the ensuing brawl, and reminisce on how it all began…

Nouveau Chaldea - 96 Hours Prior

Fujimaru felt a sense of ease as he made his way through the new Headquarters within the walls of the Wandering Sea. Sion and the Captain had really outdone themselves on making it feel like an exact representation of Chaldea. If he were in a mobile game, it would certainly help keep anyone from having to draw new backgrounds and save on effort. It did wonders for his psyche, however. He'd spent so long within the confines of Chaldea that the Shadow Border felt alien; also, having more room to actually move around was nice.

Then there was the privacy. Cramped quarters meant no time to himself. No time to relax, to meditate, and to handle the aftermath of spending most of his time around Servants so beautiful that mortal women could never compare. No, now he had time to himself, a room to himself, and with his allies by his side he felt galvanized to take on whatever the Lostbelts had to offer.

"Good evening, Master." Fujimaru blinked, shaking himself out of his reverie to notice Emiya approaching him, smiling at him. "Is all well?"

Fujimaru nodded. "Everything's excellent. Thanks for dinner, by the way. I always look forward to your cooking."

The white-haired Archer nodded. "It was my pleasure. Although, I can't take all the credit; the sides were made by Tamamo Cat."

"I'll have to make sure to thank her as well. Is she still in the cafeteria?"

Emiya paused to think. "I believe so. Something about wanting to make dessert to celebrate the occasion. We're all back together, after all." Fujimaru felt his smile grow warmer. Emiya was right; it was a rather momentous occasion. After having been forcibly separated shortly after preventing the Incineration of Humanity, he'd feared he'd never see his beloved Servants again. For all their quirks and foibles, they were precious to him. The new Chaldea Base had the resources and room to allow them to walk around once more, as opposed to being only able to be summoned for brief moments during combat.

"Right. Well, I know where I'm going then. Emiya, enjoy your evening."

"You as well Mast-" the Archer paused briefly, his expression suddenly turning sour, like he'd smelled some spoiled milk. "I just remembered, you may want to watch yourself. BB apparently has been stalking the halls, and from what I gathered from some of the other Servants, she's looking for you."

Fujimaru's face paled. BB was a special Servant. Not because she was an AI that somehow got onto the Throne of Heroes, (something that still floored him) nor because she somehow actually got along rather well with Nyarlathotep of all things, (something that still terrified him) but because she took the term, "devilish Kouhai" a bit too seriously. If he had to pick a devil to interact with, he'd never say it, but he'd take Mephistopheles any day of the week. Better the devil you knew, so it was said. It was hard to call her...evil, but her methods were extreme, and she was gleefully sadistic even to those she claimed to care about.

If BB was looking for him, it couldn't bode anything well. "R-right. I'll keep that in mind."

"Would you like me to accompany you Master? I'm fine with telling the Poker group that I'll sit this one out." Emiya offered.

"You're in a Poker group?"

Emiya rubbed the back of his neck, looking only so slightly embarrassed. "I was dragged into it by Robin. Apparently I have a 'great poker face.'"

Fujimaru squinted. "Yeah, I could see it. Anyway, I appreciate the offer, but I'll be fine. You have fun with the rest of the group. If all else fails, I'll yell for Mash."

"Alright. Take care, Master." With that, Emiya turned on his heel and walked down the hall, leaving Fujimaru standing there. 'Man, he looks so cool just leaving. How does he do that? Maybe it's the coat? I should get a long coat. I bet I'd look awesome in one.' The young Master then turned in the opposite direction of the Archer, and softly sighed. It was time to take a leaf from his Assassin Servants, and start trying to practice Presence Concealment…

"Oh Maaaaaaastttteeeerrrr~"

Fujimaru froze, biting his tongue to avoid cursing. 'Damn it! Not now! I'm so close to the cafeteria! Maybe I can pretend I didn't hear her…' The now fearful Master continued walking forward, his steps slightly faster as he tried to make his way towards Tamamo Cat, where he'd have a Servant between him and whatever terror BB was bringing with her. He didn't get very far though, when a pair of arms draped themselves over his shoulder, and something incredibly soft pressed into his back, making him freeze once more in his tracks, breaking out into a cold sweat.

"That's so cold, ignoring your devilishly cute Kouhai like that…" BB intoned, and while Fujimaru couldn't see her, he could hear her scary, red-eyed expression in her voice.

"O-oh, BB-chan! I-I didn't hear you!" Fujimaru exclaimed, trying his damndest to keep his calm.

BB laughed, sending another jolt of fear through Fujimaru's spine. "You're really bad at lying, Senpai, but I'm in a good mood, so I'll forgive you this time. I'm glad I ran into you though. See, I was hoping to have a little talk with you."

Fujimaru took a breath to steady himself. "About?"

BB chuckled softly, still refusing to rescind her grip on the young Master. "I was thinking, you've got a fair number of other Kouhai, don't you? There's the Shielder, you've got Assassin of Serenity, Three Magical Girls, Mini-Jalter, and many others."

"...okay?"

"Of course, we all know that I'm your favorite Kouhai, right?"

Fujimaru grimaced, hoping BB wasn't able to notice behind him. Discretion was the better part of valor, so he simply replied, "Sure."

"Exactly! And yet, all of them think they're the ones who deserve to be your Kouhai, a title too important for any old Servant to lay claim to. Right?"

Once again, Fujimaru hesitated. "BB, where are you going with this?"

"I'm so glad you asked!" One of BB's hands moved away from him, only to replace itself once more, this time holding a piece of paper. Fujimaru looked down, eyes scanning the colorful document.

Kouhai-Fest

Calling all Kouhais! Do you think you have what it takes to prove that you're the superior Kouhai? Can you truly satisfy Senpai's every need? No requirements besides the desire to satisfy and take care of Senpai in his daily life!

Five days of trials await those who believe it is they who deserve the title of "Ultimate Kouhai!"

Join us once more on the gorgeous, sea-lapped beaches of Luluhawa, whether you're an attendant, or audience!

Still need convincing?

The Grand Prize is none other than one (1) 24 hour outing with Master, completely and utterly uninterrupted by any other Servants or Staff!

What are you waiting for? Sign up today!

Silence.

Fujimaru blinked. Then he blinked again. Then he raised his arms and stuffed his fists against his eyes, rubbing them vigorously enough to leave spots in his vision when he finished. He waited for the spots to leave, before scanning the document once more. "BB?" He managed to squeak, his voice hoarse and high pitched, almost inaudible.

"Yesssss~?"

Fujimaru's jaw opened and shut a few times before he was able to find his voice again. "What...what is this?"

BB sighed theatrically. "Jeeze, Senpai! I know you can be a dummy, but there's a limit to that, you know! Don't tell me you can't read?" She mockingly giggled at him.

"Of course I can read!" Fujimaru suddenly snapped. He was vaguely aware that his right eye had started developing a twitch. "Kouhai-fest?! Luluhawa?! Didn't we get rid of that place?!"

He could hear the smirk in her voice as she answered, "Oh stupid Senpai, did you forget about how powerful this Kouhai is? Making a new Singularity was easy! Oh, don't worry your little head, Senpai. This Singularity is barely a blip on the radar! It'll be over and done with, and no, there's no time loop this time."

"No."

BB paused. "Sorry?"

"This! No! None of this! All of this-just-no!" Fujimaru began to ramble, smacking the paper with one of his hands. "One uninterrupted day?!"

"That's my favorite part," BB purred.

"Are you out of your mind?! BB, out of all the schemes you've come up with, this has to be one of the worst! There's no way Da Vinci and Holmes will allow you to get away with this! Much less Mash!"

Whatever Fujimaru had expected BB to react with, just more wicked giggling was not it. "Oh? Da Vinci's one of the judges, didn't you know?"

"...what."

"Oh yes, she could hardly wait! In fact, all the pieces are already in play, Master. All that's left is the piece de resistance...you." With that word, Fujimaru raised a hand, ready to burn a Command Seal. He didn't like using them to order his Servants around, feeling terrible about removing their free will, but the situation was desperate. He had to stop BB before she absconded with him and performed whatever evil scheme she had in mind.

He was too slow. He felt something on his neck, which felt very much like a pair of incredibly soft, warm lips upon his skin, and something ran through his body like a flash. His eyelids grew heavy, and his arms slumped as an overwhelming slumber overcame him, his consciousness fading away with BB's laughter echoing in his ears…

A/N: All I've got to say with this is that I'm quite the noob when it comes to the Fate series, having only really played through FGO. Still, I enjoy the game and the characters, and I figured I'd try my hand at this. Expect more silliness and absurdity, and Fujimaru wondering if humanity is really truly worth it.

EDIT: Changed the time in the start, and added some page breaks.