Chapter 17 - Cocktails and Cupcakes
Disclaimer: Always drink responsibly, and don't drink at all unless you're legal. Loki is 1,050 years old, so there isn't *technically* any underage drinking going on in this chapter. Also, always cut the fruit you're going to use to garnish your cocktails before you start drinking.
Loki knocked back the shot of vodka Natasha had poured for her, and her face scrunched in on itself involuntarily. "This tastes like pure alcohol and it burns as it goes down—why would anyone drink this?"
Natasha shrugged. "It's good for you. It'll put hair on your chest."
"I prefer it on my head, unless I've taken the form of a fox."
Natasha snorted and downed her own second shot of vodka. "You might like it better in a cocktail. Hold on, I'll make you a White Russian."
##Natasha's Classic White Russian##
######**(*⸰‿-)_旦##########
- 1 oz. vodka
- .5 oz. coffee liqueur
- .5 oz. heavy cream
Pour all ingredients over ice and stir.
########################
"It isn't bad," said Loki. "What's in it?"
"Vodka, coffee liqueur, and cream."
"Coffee?" Loki wrinkled up her nose. "That's a surprise. How is it you can take two things that taste awful, mix them together, and come up with something drinkable?"
"Coffee liqueur is sweet. I'm guessing you like sweet things. You could probably drink coffee too if you put enough sugar and cream in it."
Loki sat on a stool at the kitchen counter, swinging her legs back and forth and spinning around a bit as she watched Natasha mix together measured amounts of flour, baking powder, baking soda, cocoa powder, and a tiny amount of salt. Baking reminded of brewing potions and elixirs, something she had learned at Frigga's knee. "What is the difference between baking soda and baking powder?" she asked.
"I've never really thought about it," Natasha told her. "JARVIS, what's the difference between baking soda and baking powder?"
"Baking soda is formally known as sodium bicarbonate and is an incomplete leavening agent. It is a base that when added to an acid and a liquid produces carbon dioxide and causes baked goods to rise. It is typically used in recipes that contain an acid such as buttermilk or lemon juice, or in conjunction with baking powder. Baking powder is a complete leavening agent that contains sodium bicarbonate as well as other ingredients, including an acid."
"Good to know. Thanks, JARVIS," said Natasha.
"Why do you put salt in cake?" asked Loki.
"I think it just enhances the other flavors. JARVIS?"
"You are correct, Agent Romanoff. In a bread, salt is necessary to make the dough tighter and more elastic, but in a cake, salt is added for the purpose of enhancing other flavors."
"What is cocoa powder made of?" asked Loki.
"Cocoa beans," Natasha told her.
"Cocoa beans, or Cacao beans are the dried and fully fermented seed of Theobroma cacao, a small evergreen tree in the family Malvaceae, which is native to the deep tropical regions of Mesoamerica. Cocoa powder consists of the dry solids left over after the fat is extracted from roasted cocoa beans that have been heated to a liquid state," JARVIS offered smugly.
"No one asked you that time, JARVIS, but thanks. Any other questions, Loki?"
"I'm sorry, am I asking too many? You said it was alright—"
"It's fine, Loki. If I was on an alien planet, I'm sure I would have a lot of questions too. Being naturally inquisitive isn't a bad thing."
Loki stopped spinning in her seat and scowled. "Tell that to Odin."
Natasha looked up as she cracked an egg and then another into a small bowl. "Odin didn't like it when you asked questions?"
"It's nothing. Forget I said it." She didn't want to talk about Odin, and how half the time, he would shake his head disapprovingly at Loki's questions, and the other half he would snap and say there was 'a time and place,' although she could never quite figure out when that time and place was. Of course, she couldn't remember Odin ever refusing to answer a question of Thor's, even though Thor's questions were always ten times as idiotic.
Loki reached for the vodka and began pouring herself another drink.
"You sure you need that?" asked Natasha.
Loki rolled her eyes at her and continued to pour.
Natasha didn't say anything more about it. Instead, she continued with the recipe, mixing the eggs together with the rest of the wet ingredients.
Loki picked up another bottle, the contents of which were green. They didn't have any green alcohol in Asgard. "What is this?" she asked.
"Crème de menthe," Natasha told her. "Though it isn't actually creamy, so I'm not sure why it's called that."
"It is considered a 'crème' liqueur because of the high sugar content," JARVIS informed them.
"There's a drink you can make with it called a 'grasshopper,'" Natasha told Loki. "That has crème de cacao in it. Crème de cacao is a chocolate liqueur, but I don't think there's any here—there might be some in the larger bar downstairs, or upstairs in the penthouse."
Loki shrugged and decided to try adding the crème de menthe to the White Russian he had been mixing. It turned it a delightful green color, and she found the resulting flavor pleasing.
####Low-Key Green Russian####
######┗(´ー｀)┛＿旦#######
- 1 oz. vodka
- .5 oz. coffee liqueur
- .5 oz. crème de menthe
- .5 oz. heavy cream
Pour all ingredients over ice and stir.
#######################
"I have been kissed twice, both times without my permission. Once as a girl, and once as a boy. The first time it was one of my brother's friends, Fandral. We were out in the garden, and there were these petals falling from one of the fruit trees. They were getting in my hair, which was irritating. Then Fandral starts waxing poetic about how beautiful the white petals were against my raven hair. I guess he thought we were having a moment, so he grabbed me and kissed me."
Thor should have told them how susceptible Loki was to alcohol. Interrogating her was a lot easier this way. "And what did you do?"
"I turned back into a boy while he was kissing me—oh, sorry, I suppose that makes it once I was kissed as a girl and twice I was kissed as a boy, though it is still only twice I have been kissed—anyway, it did not perturb him in the way I had suspected it might. The fool just grinned at me and told me I was cute either way. So I turned him into a hedgehog. I had always wanted to keep one for a pet, so I kept him in Mother's garden in a little hutch and fed him beetles for about a week before anyone missed him and I had to turn him back."
"How old were you?"
"Around four hundred, and Fandral might have been all of five hundred—"
"And in human terms, that would be?"
"I suppose I would have been around seven, and he'd have been around eight."
Knowing that, Natasha couldn't decide if she found the story adorable or disturbing. "How did no one miss him for a week? Weren't his parents worried?"
"I think Fandral might be an orphan," said Loki. "Then again, I once kept Thor as a pet frog for several days before Mother noticed he was missing. Out of all Thor's friends, I think I find Fandral the least annoying, but it's just rude to steal someone's first kiss."
"You're actually quite romantic, aren't you?"
Loki shrugged. "I don't know. There was this girl named Sigyn, who I was betrothed to for a time, a couple of centuries ago. I thought I loved her—at least, I found her attentions flattering at first."
"Betrothed? You were going to marry her?"
"Yes. It is not so unusual in Asgard to arrange marriages centuries before the wedding takes place."
"An arranged marriage?"
"No, not like you're thinking. I actually announced our betrothal without the All-Father's approval, and Odin only begrudgingly gave us his blessing after Mother interceded on our behalf. I did not understand why he disapproved then. At the time, I thought it because he objected to me having announced my betrothal before Thor had married, but perhaps it was because he knew what I was, and thought it unfair to marry an innocent, unsuspecting girl to a frost giant. Or perhaps he suspected that I had tricked her into being with me, though it was only later that rumors like that began to spread throughout the court."
"How do you trick someone into falling in love with you?"
"I would have thought you'd know, as a spy."
"Lust is one thing. Love is different."
"I thought love was for children, Agent Romanoff."
She had said something like that, hadn't she? "I never said there was anything wrong with being a child."
Loki arched an eyebrow at her as she sipped her "Green Russian." "Anyway, the rumor was that I took the form of the man who had been her intended before. Then I deflowered her, so she had no choice but to—"
"But you've never 'deflowered' anyone."
"No, of course not. And at the time, I was barely nine centuries old—around fourteen or fifteen in your years."
"You don't suppose that's why Odin objected, do you?"
"I don't see why Daddy would have objected on that basis," Loki pouted into her drink. "Mother was betrothed to him when she was around that age."
Natasha had never heard Loki refer to Odin as her father before, and yet she had just heard her call him 'Daddy' like a southern belle. She probably didn't even realize she had done it.
"Sigyn wanted me to though, and her attentions became rather aggressive. She was the other person who kissed me without permission. She had been waiting for me in my room, and she kissed me, and then she wanted to touch me, and she wanted me to touch her. But I am not overly fond of touching people I do not know well—"
"I thought you were going to marry her."
"I had not known her long before I announced our betrothal. After I escaped her, I hid in the library for a few hours, but when I came back, not only was she still there, she was lying completely naked in my bed. I didn't know what to do, all I knew was that I did not want her there. So I went to Frigga. I'm still not sure what she did to make Sigyn leave, but obviously our relationship was over, and in retaliation, she started spreading those nasty rumors."
"She was the one that spread the rumors?"
"I am quite certain of it."
Natasha shook her head. The more Loki talked, the more Sigyn sounded like a crazy stalker. "You should never let anyone pressure you into doing something you don't want."
"You don't think I'm strange? If it had been Thor's bed she had been in, he likely would have jumped into it with her and thought nothing of it."
"I think you're strange, but not for that. There are plenty of people who either aren't casual about sex, or don't want it all the time, Loki. You know, I'm ninety-nine percent sure Steve is a virgin too. I'm definitely not, but I wouldn't say that sex is all that important to me. I'm not averse to it, I'm just—indifferent, I guess? It's always been more of a tool I could use to get information."
"Does that mean you and Clint really aren't an item?"
Where had Loki even learned the term 'an item?' "Just because I don't find sex that exciting, it doesn't mean I wouldn't be interested in dating someone." Not that Natasha suspected she would find anyone to have a relationship with. She wasn't even sure she deserved to find anyone. "Like I said before, love and lust are two different things. But to answer your question, no. It would be like dating my brother. Besides, he's—" Whoops, no, that was supposed to be a secret. "He's Hawkeye," she finished instead. "As the coolest Avenger, I couldn't date the lamest, now could I?"
"Too bad," said Loki. "I was kind of shipping the two of you."
Where had Loki learned the term "shipping?" Oh God, she hadn't discovered fan fiction already, had she?
"What's this one?" Loki asked, picking up a green bottle. "Midori—green liqueur?"
"It's a sweet melon liqueur," Natasha explained. "But yes, it's also green. Want to try it? It might be good with seltzer. I think there's some in the fridge."
###Low-Key Green Melon Spritz###
#######┗(´ー｀)┛＿旦#######
- 1.5 oz. melon liqueur
- 2 oz. seltzer
- a splash of fresh lime juice
- a pinch of salt
- honeydew melon to garnish
Pour all ingredients except for melon
over ice and stir, garnish with a
couple slices of melon.
########################
"We have to wait for them to cool before we can ice them," Natasha explained, as she pulled the cupcakes from the oven.
"Your hair is so pretty, Natasha," Loki said drunkenly. "While we're waiting, can you braid my hair like yours?"
"Okay, first, we are not sitting around braiding each other's hair, because this isn't a slumber party. Second, I didn't do this. Clint braided it for me this morning."
"Seriously?"
"What can I say? Clint is a man with a lot of hidden talents." Not only could Clint braid hair, he also knew the names of all the My Little Ponies.
"Do you think he'd do mine?"
"I'm tempted to say, 'ask him,' but I'm starting to like you, so definitely don't go within fifteen feet of him unless you want an arrow in your eye."
"Why is Clint still so angry at me?"
"He isn't really," said Natasha.
"He could have fooled me."
"Maybe he's just angry because his merchandise doesn't sell as well as the rest of ours." She actually suspected that Clint was still having trouble dealing with the whole invasion thing, but it really didn't have anything to do with Loki. She had been hoping that Clint might sit down with Doctor Samson, who might be able to help him in a way the psychologist he'd been assigned by SHIELD hadn't. Not that it had been Doctor Garner's fault—she was sure Clint had just said whatever he thought he needed to say to him to get cleared for missions again.
She'd done a little digging on Doctor Samson when he'd first gotten there. She knew about his financial problems, but he did seem to be a fairly well qualified psychiatrist. Plus, he seemed to be getting somewhere with Loki, which was impressive.
But so far, she hadn't been able to convince Clint to give him a chance. Every time she brought it up, he just shut her down.
Natasha watched as Loki twisted her hair into a messy side braid that made her wonder if Princess Loki had ever done her own hair before. Maybe she had better give her a hand after all. It might be a good idea for Loki to have her hair back, just in case.
**(*⸰‿-)_旦" "旦_┗(´ー｀)┛
After the cupcakes had sufficiently cooled, Natasha had allowed Loki to choose the color for the frosting, and she had chosen green, even though she thought it an odd color to top a baked good with. It was more a process of elimination than anything else. Red was her brother's color, and as much as she loved the oaf, it did not seem at all an appetizing color to put on top of cake. Blue was the color of frozen wastelands and the monsters who lived in them. Purple was the color of a Titanic warlord who could kiss her ass. Yellow was the color of Odin's magic, and Odin could also kiss her ass. She hadn't meant to say all of that aloud, but judging by Natasha's expression of amusement, she had.
She couldn't bring herself to care. Natasha's cupcakes might have been the best thing Loki had ever eaten. Then again, food always tasted better when she was drunk, and at this point, she could admit that she was drunk.
"They taste this good because I use butter instead of vegetable oil," said Natasha, breaking her out of her state of deep contemplation. "And yeah, you're definitely drunk." Apparently, she had still been narrating.
"Green alcohol and green cupcakes—is it St. Patrick's Day already?" Loki looked up from where she had sprawled on the common room couch and saw that Tony had wandered in and discovered the fruits of their labors—well, Natasha's labors, really. After she had started drinking, she hadn't ended up helping much. She had tried to help frost the cupcakes, but the impairment of her motor skills had made getting the frosting on the cupcakes and not all over the counter a little difficult.
"Help yourself," Natasha told Tony.
"I thought you were teaching Loki self-defense."
"Loki wasn't in the mood, so we made cupcakes instead."
Tony eyed Loki critically. "You've got something right there," he said, pointing to the corner of his own mouth.
Loki shrugged, well-aware that she had more than a little frosting on her face. Cupcakes were difficult to eat without making a mess, especially when one was inebriated.
"Inebriated? Nat, did you get Loki drunk?"
"Loki got herself drunk," Loki said, not sure if Tony was about to express disapproval, but also not appreciating the implication that she was not mistress of her own actions. "Loki has been getting Loki drunk since Loki was proclaimed old enough to fight and kill in the service of the All-Father. Which was before you were born, Stark."
"Alright, got it. Far be it from me to tell you not to drink, old man."
"Old woman," Loki corrected.
"Sorry, Grandma. Though you do realize that drinking stunts your growth? That's probably why I'm—" Stark let that hang, but it was obvious what he was going to say. While the man was well within the range of what was normal for a Midgardian, he was at the lower range of that. Without his suit, he was diminutive compared to some of the people he worked with, like Steve Rogers or Thor (of course, Thor was not human, so the comparison was not precisely fair, just like she suspected it wasn't fair to compare a Jotunn runt to a full blooded Aesir, Odin). "You know what, now I'm just depressing myself," said Tony. "I need a cupcake, and maybe a martini."
####Low-Key Green Melontini####
#######┗(´ー｀)┛＿Y########
- 2 oz. vodka
- 1.5 oz. melon liqueur
- honeydew melon to garnish
- green apple to garnish
Pour ingredients into a cocktail shaker
filled with ice. Shake well, then strain
into a martini glass. Garnish with a
melon ball and two slices of green
apple skewered on a toothpick.
########################
While Tony grabbed a cupcake, Loki made him a melontini. Natasha cut the fruit for her to garnish it with—as much experience as Loki had with knives, she knew better than to handle them drunk. While Natasha had supposedly been drinking as well, she didn't seem drunk in the least; Loki suspected that it was the potted fern sitting on the kitchen counter that she had actually been drinking with.
"Why is it green?" asked Tony. "Please tell me you didn't put the crème de menthe left over from Christmas in it."
"It's melon liqueur," Loki told him.
"That sounds marginally better, although I usually like my martini dry with extra olives."
Natasha made a face. "You can't drink a dry martini and eat cupcakes."
"You were the one doing shots of vodka earlier," said Loki, though she still suspected that most of Natasha's "drinking" had been sleight of hand.
"That was while we were baking them, not while we were eating them."
"If Bruce comes in here and sees us day drinking, he's probably going to give us the evil eye and tell us that we're killing our livers." Tony swirled the alcohol around in his glass, eying it suspiciously before he tried it.
"What do you mean, killing our livers?" Loki asked.
JARVIS answered her. "Cell death occurs whenever the liver metabolizes alcohol. Excessive alcohol use can lead to scarring of the liver, inflammation, and eventual organ failure."
Loki felt sick to her stomach. Why hadn't anyone warned her of all the ways in which mortal bodies were vulnerable? First it was sexual predators, then it was germs, and now alcoholic beverages were out to get her. Was there anything that did not kill mortals? Next they would tell her that cupcakes were deadly as well.
"Technically, excessive intake of foods such as cupcakes, which are high in fat, sugar, and calories and have little other nutritional value, can be deadly," JARVIS told her.
Loki glared at the empty cupcake wrapper in her hand as if it were an enemy, while Stark had the nerve to snigger at her. "Don't stress about it, kid. You weigh like two pounds. You need excess calories."
Loki shook her head obstinately, promising herself that she would not eat or drink anything else during her stay on Midgard, nor would she risk leaving the relative safety of the tower again. Perhaps she wouldn't even leave her room anymore. "I am going to my room," Loki announced as she stood. "Where I intend to lock myself in the bathroom and throw up everything I've just consumed. After that I'm never eating or drinking anything on Midgard again."
Tony jumped up and tried to block her way out of the room. "Ah, hell no—JARVIS, get Doc in here. Loki, you are not allowed to throw up. Throwing up is against the rules, got it? You do not need to develop bulimia on top of everything else."
"For your information, Stark, I am not planning on throwing up on purpose. I suggest you move out of my way if you're fond of the shoes you're wearing."
（≧艸≦)
"Is everything okay in there?"
"I am fine, Doctor Samson. I feel much better now." Loki was just glad that Natasha had braided her hair for her.
"Can I come in?"
"I would rather you did not." As good as it felt, she didn't need anyone seeing her with her face pressed into the cool tile of the bathroom floor.
"Are you really going to be okay?"
"I will be fine. However, I am never eating or drinking anything in this realm again."
"I hope you're not serious about that. You understand that if you don't eat you could die, right?"
Right, because not eating could also kill mortals. "How do any of you live to be thirty?" Loki wondered aloud.
"What was that? Loki, I really wish you would let me in there with you. It's difficult to have a conversation through the door."
"Leave me alone, then. I don't feel like having a conversation right now." All she wanted to do was crawl under a nice cool rock somewhere and take a long nap. If only she had her shapeshifting abilities, she would turn herself into a snake and do just that.
"I'm not going anywhere until I'm sure you're alright."
Stubborn man. Loki crawled over to the door and opened it long enough to stick her arm out and make a rude gesture. Then she slammed the door shut again.
"Fine, you win," said Doctor Samson. "I'm going to take that as a sign that you're mostly okay, and give you some space."
╮ (. ❛ ᴗ ❛.) ╭
Author's Note:
The Loki Disney+ series premiered on Wednesday! I was a little bit worried that after waiting for it for so long it wouldn't live up to my expectations, but I think it exceeded them.
I had a lot of fun "researching" this chapter and coming up with Loki's green drink recipes. Though I admit I cheated and bought my cupcakes (I didn't have time to bake, but there had to be cupcakes, so I could make sure the cocktails all tasted good with them).
The theme of the next fic I write should probably be healthy eating and exercise ^_^;;