Fear makes us do stupid things. Hm? What did I do, you ask? I'm afraid you've misunderstood. It wasn't me that did something stupid. It was the guards of the human village. After a series of strange events, I found myself staring down a sword in the hand of a terrified guard. Feeling pissed, I told him I would leave if he gave me directions to the shrine. At the time, I hadn't thought to specify beyond that. I mean, how was I supposed to know there was more than one shrine? I hadn't even known Gensokyo existed at the time. Regardless, the Hakurei shrine is normally what people think of when you say, 'the shrine.' Normally. In this scenario, the guard was so inexplicably afraid of me that he would have said or done just about anything to get me out of there. And so, he said the first thing that popped into his head. He gave me directions to a shrine, just not the one I was looking for. None the wiser to my twist of fate, I went on my way. Rather than go through the Forest of Magic as I might have in another life, I took the tram up Youkai Mountain.
To my surprise, I was greeted by a goddess when I reached the shrine. No, that wasn't hyperbole. I was greeted by a literal goddess. Two goddesses, actually. However, one of them is a bit… Well. Actually, it's more like two and a half if you count Sanae, which I don't, but- You know what, I'm getting off track here. I didn't believe them when they told me this, but they made a series of very compelling arguments. Apparently they were the ones that set up the tramway for villagers to use, but hardly anyone actually visited them. When I explained my reasons for coming to their shrine, they seemed very confused. Most of them, anyways. One of them just continued to stare at me.
After explaining my circumstances to them, they had a good laugh over the misunderstanding. We made our introductions, and they explained everything about Gensokyo and that I was something called an Outsider, along with everything that entailed. Sanae offered to take me to the Hakurei shrine to get me home, even though she was practically crying tears of blood while making the offer. In spite of the detour, everything seemed to be looking up. Of course, that's when everything went belly up.
"I love you! Please stay here!"
Now, it's a common trope that a young high school boy such as myself suddenly finding themselves in a strange new place surrounded by three girls would find himself on the receiving end of a maiden's love, after raising the proper flags of course. I'm sad to say that this is the truth. Gensokyo is a land of fantasy, and it seems that encompasses young men's dreams as well.
I'm sure you're wondering who I'm speaking of. Could it be Sanae? After all, we're around the same age. We were both born and raised in Japan, so we shared a common ground that few in Gensokyo would understand. Together, we're the only ones capable of understanding each other in this strange land. What starts out as a friendship between a man and a woman can so easily blossom into love given close proximity to each other. I was confident that we were developing a friendly relationship, so it was only a matter of time, right? Well, no. While I stand by my statement of our developing friendship, romance wasn't in the cards to begin with. How was I sure of this, you ask? Because I kept catching her staring at Reimu's butt and NTR is a trash genre. God speed, Sanae.
If not Sanae, then perhaps the lovely lady Kanako? After all, even I admit that she is an exceedingly gorgeous woman. On top of that, her brash demeanor adds another layer to her charm that anyone could appreciate. Beyond that, I wholeheartedly admired her drive to drag this backwater fantasy land kicking and screaming into the 21st century. I missed my games, damn it! Sadly, Kanako was quite similar to Hiratsuka in all the worst ways. Rather than take romance into her own hands, she was determined to wait for a fairy tale prince to sweep her off her feet. However, unlike Hiratsuka, Kanako had been waiting for far longer. I admire your perseverance, Kanako. Please stay strong. Someone take her already!
If you have any meta knowledge and you're able to count as high as 3, then you've likely arrived at the correct answer via process of elimination. That's right, I was being pursued by-
"Hacchan!" Suwako's voice snapped me out of my recollection. "Are you listening to me?" She sternly narrowed her eyes at me.
"No." I stated bluntly and without shame.
"Mou! W-Well, I suppose I can forgive you. Just this once." She smiled bashfully at me with her eyes upturned just so. It was a look that was carefully orchestrated to tug at your heartstrings.
"I don't care. Please stop touching me." I spoke coldly while continuing to eat my dinner. That was why I had killed my heart long ago. However, rather than be upset, Suwako simply smiled and hummed happily while clinging onto my arm. I had long ago learned the futility of trying to pry her off myself. I did my best to ignore the snickering of the peanut gallery. Yeah, yeah. Laugh it up. Must be nice to make fun of other people's love lives when yours are such a mess.
"More rice for the happy couple?" Sanae offered with a smirk.
"Of course!" "Shut up. Please die." Suwako and I spoke at the same time. Suwako accepted the dish from a smug Sanae and proceeded to scoop out heaping amounts of rice onto both our plates before passing it back. I stared down at my plate. She had created a heart out of the rice. I decided to eat some of the other side dishes instead. I very carefully pretended not to notice Suwako's pout. Not for the first time, Kanako laughed at my displeasure while getting drunk off her ass. That's right. I was being pursued by the kind of girl that, were I to accept her advances, would invite scorn from my friends, family, and society. I wasn't exactly teeming with positive qualities, so I could be forgiven for steering clear of that.
"Just give up, Hachiman. Suwako does this every century or so, and I've never seen her lose interest when someone catches her eye. She's going to be like this even when you're old and wrinkly." I grimaced at the mental image that conjured of an old man with rotten eyes being doted on by a young girl.
"With all due respect, Kanako… No. Just… No." How can I state this any more clearly for you? What aren't you getting about this?
"That's Kanako-sama to you! Show at least some respect for my standing." Sorry, Kanako. That ship sailed when I had to hold your hair back for you after you drank too much… The first time, that is.
"That's right, Hacchan! You shouldn't look down on me. I was old and powerful when Japan was still young. I've seen civilizations rise and fall before my eyes. As your goddess, I demand your respect." She firmly declared this while staring me down with fire in her eyes, as if daring me to dispute her claims. In response, I simply stared back with no expression at all. As expected, she fidgeted slightly as her face slowly began to redden. Just as she had every time before, she looked away with bright red ears and a dopey grin on her face. My point made, I looked back to Kanako.
"Exactly what part of that am I supposed to be respecting?" I asked. Tellingly, both Kanako and Sanae refused to meet my gaze. Yeah, that's what I thought. I continued to eat around the rice heart on my plate, satisfied with the temporary peace I had won. It wouldn't last long, so I needed to eat while I could. Say what you want about the company, but at least the food was good.
You may be wondering why I'm still here, rather than back in my peaceful home. Of course I tried. In fact, I succeeded! I'd appreciate if you didn't look down on me too much. After that bit of chaos with Suwako's sudden confession and my immediate refusal, Sanae led me to Reimu's shrine. Nice girl, that one. Little blunt, though. Anyhow, she simply had me close me eyes, chanted some sutra, and the next thing I knew I was standing next to the bike rack at school. By the time I made it home, my sister was absolutely sick with worry. I only managed to calm her down by telling her I fell asleep on the train and missed my stop, and that my phone had also died. With her worries assuaged, I dragged myself into my bed where I could sleep off the day's events like a bad dream.
Then I woke up in the forest. Again. After returning to Reimu's shrine, she emphatically refused to send me through until I 'got my shit together' and got rid of whatever was sending me here. As an alternative, she offered to send me through once more if I wanted to say my goodbyes to my friends and family. In a nutshell, 'I'm only sending you back one more time, so you better make it count.' She told me to find shelter in the human village, but I already knew that option was out. With no other options, I sought out the aid of the only people to have shown me kindness in this land. Well, besides Rumia.
Of course, they were all too willing to take me in, in exchange for manual labor. Sanae was happy to receive the help, Kanako was happy to gain another 'worshipper', and Suwako… Well. The less said there, the better. After receiving a generous offer to sleep in Suwako's bed with her every night, I found myself crashing on their couch. All in all, it wasn't so bad. It wasn't quite being a house husband, but it was close enough for my liking. Of course, I had to keep Suwako from ever finding out about that life goal of mine. My chastity is at stake here!
A/N - Hi everyone! Some of you might be wondering "What the hell is this" right about now. The answer, my friends... is non-canon crack. These are just some silly "what if" prompts that give me a chance to write some characters that either haven't been introduced yet or simply never will be. More importantly, it's nice to take a break from the main fic once in a while. Speaking of which, chapter 7 is still being worked on, but it's currently undergoing some intensive rewriting. Sorry! It'll be out eventually! Also, you should check out NOT 80K Hikigaya's stuff. They also write Monster of Logic sidestories, as well as some other good content. Got one more chapter to post after this one and then that's it until I eventually get inspired for more. Bye for now!