Elena had been unable to hold anything down since her transition. She tried Stefan's way of feeding from animals instead of humans, more for his approval than her belief that it would work. He was worried she'd go over the edge like him if she drank human blood and lose her humanity in the process. When the animal blood didn't work, she tried to tell Stefan, but he just brushed it off, telling her she'd learn to tolerate it eventually, completely in denial of what was really happening with Elena. She found herself sneaking a blood bag from the freezer at the boarding house, but within minutes, she vomited that up as well. She had no idea why she couldn't keep anything down. All she knew was she was starving, and fearful she might snap and kill a human out of desperation. Not being able to reach Caroline, she went to the one person she knew she could count on to help her...Damon.
After their argument the night she turned, he had stayed clear of her especially since Stefan refused to listen to him about the reality of Elena feeding. She would rather swallow her pride and ask him for help than kill someone because she was starving. She'd told him she didn't want to hurt anyone and refused to feed from humans, so it left them with only one alternative, feed from Damon. He told her they had to keep it from Stefan because drinking from another vampire was very personal, but she didn't understand exactly what that meant until she felt the erotic euphoria when she tasted his sweet blood flowing down her throat, and felt all his emotions pouring through her. For the first time since she turned, she felt full and refreshed. She managed to hold it down longer than any of the other blood which gave her strength and hope, but eventually she got sick from it too. The remaining alternative was to do the very thing she hadn't wanted, feed directly from a human.
Of course Stefan had been more than pissed and jealous that Elena drank from his brother, and disappointed that Elena had lied to him about it. Though he disapproved of her feeding from humans, he was relieved that she wouldn't be drinking from Damon again. Elena was fearful of killing anyone to begin with, but that fear was magnified by Stefan's constant warnings that she could lose control and end up a Ripper like him. Stefan was still having trouble controlling it himself, so he would never be able to teach her. It was crucial to Elena's survival that she learn to control her cravings and learn how to stop before draining a person dry. Caroline, who drank strictly from blood bags, wasn't a candidate to teach Elena, so that task fell to Damon. He was the only one out of them who had managed to control his feedings without losing his mind. Despite all the heartache Elena had caused Damon by her rejections, he set aside his own pain and agreed to help her.
Damon had been showing Elena how to feed from a human without killing them for the last week. Each time they'd practiced, Damon had lured the victim in for Elena, but tonight it was her turn to try it on her own. From a distance, she scouted out a young man jogging. She looked at Damon, seeking his approval, and received a confirmation nod in return. She took a deep breath and did her best to play the part they'd agreed on. She staggered towards the man, pretending to be out of breath and near hysteria.
"Please, help me! A man tried to attack me. I think he's still after me."
Concerned, the man tried to calm her. "Are you ok?" He leaned down to help her steady herself, and that's when she compelled him. "
"You're not going to run or call for help. I just need to borrow some of your blood." Dazed, the man stood there while Elena bit into his neck. This was the real test. Could she stop on her own? Damon had been teaching her the finer points of taking just enough to eat without completely draining the prey. The first few times, he had to pull her way because she was so hungry her craving was too strong to fight on her own. She forced herself to stop just at the edge of feeling full when she felt the victim's heartbeat slow. It was almost like a 30 second count. That's the limit she set. When she pulled away, the blood was smeared on her lips. She took her scarf and wiped the man's neck, removing the blood mark. She then bit her wrist and fed him. When she was done, she said, "Now, continue your jog like nothing ever happened." The man nodded then ran off.
Damon had been lurking behind a car, watching to make sure she did things right. He had to hand it to her, she did better than he'd expected. As he approached, she looked at him quizzically as if waiting for a rating on her performance. Damon clapped his hands as he approached her. "Very good. See that wasn't so hard." She smiled sheepishly, embarrassed that she was proud of herself for succeeding. She took him by surprise, almost knocking him over, as she jumped at him, throwing her arms around him in a hug. "Um, ok, Elena I know you're happy, but we should get you home."
Overall the night had been pretty successful, except Elena had been acting out of character all evening, flirting with Damon. At first, he thought it was his imagination, and that he was misreading her excitement over mastering the feeding technique, but then he realized she was definitely trying to seduce him. He knew her feelings were heightened right now, including her lust for sex. To keep himself under control, he reminded himself over and over that she'd chosen his brother. He tried to keep it in perspective that she was just messed up from the transition, and she was having a hard time controlling her urges. Urges...he was having a very hard time controlling his own urges at the moment. He loved her and had wanted her for so long. This game she was playing was torturing him.
They arrived at her house, after their hunting adventure, and walked in laughing, discussing the ridiculous things that she had tried to lure her victims. Jeremy was there, as they came in, and both she and Damon stopped talking immediately. It had been hard enough for him to accept that she had transitioned for his sake. The last thing she wanted was for him to have to hear the things she did as a vampire. She motioned Damon towards the stairs, indicating they should continue their discussion in her room. Once they reached her room, she shut the door behind them before they resumed their discussion about the events of the night. Damon stood near the edge of the bed, tossing her bear around in his hands as they talked, while Elena walked into the bathroom to change, making sure the door was slightly ajar. He could partially see her, as she began changing her clothes. He thought, is she trying to temp me? When she came back out, she was scantily dressed in a tank top and very short shorts. She continued to talk excitedly to Damon about how the night had gone. She walked over to Damon, closing the distance between them, so they were only mere inches from each other.
She looked in his eyes and said to him seriously, "Thanks for taking me to hunt tonight. I know I said I didn't want to feed on humans, but you were right. I felt more in control tonight. It was empowering."
Painfully aware of her closeness, he could feel his resolve slipping. He caught himself flirting with her playfully. "The allure can really make you lose control."
She looked up into his powder blue eyes, as she placed her hand on his chest, and slightly bit her lip flirtatiously. "Yeah, it's intoxicating."
They were so close they could feel the warmth of each other's breath. They looked at each other for a few seconds as their breathing increased. Neither of them could control themselves any longer. They lunged into a passionate kiss. She pulled his head to her, engulfing his lips in hers, as if she could just devour him. The desire she showed for him made it impossible for him to resist. He could no longer control how much he wanted her. She had teased him mercilessly all night. The logical part of himself knew he should resist, and that he would only be hurting himself in the end. At this moment though, his logic was the last thing he planned on listening to. His manhood was in control on this one. He had to have her just once. His hands grabbed her at the small of her back, pressing her into him. The feel of him against her set her on fire. Her hands immediately slid from the back of his neck, down his chest, peeling his shirt off as she went. She followed her hands with small kisses all over his chest, desperately needing to feel his bare skin against hers. The memory of their passionate kiss at the motel ran through her mind. She wanted him then, but she was too afraid. This time she wouldn't be so foolish.
She backed him up to her bed, never allowing her lips to leave his. She pushed him down, straddling on top of him. His hands roamed up the back of her shirt, as she rubbed her pelvis against his. She loved how hard he felt. He sat up under her, kissing her neck before peeling off her top. His hands cupped her breasts, as he laid kisses all around them. She arched her back with pleasure, as he took her nipple in his mouth, gently nibbling it. He flipped her over, kissing down her neck, as he rubbed his hardness against her pelvis. He started at her neck, placing kisses all down her body until his tongue rested along the top of her shorts. His hand was sliding up the inside of her thigh, all the way up through her shorts, finally reaching its delicate destination. She let out a gasp of air as his fingers erotically maneuvered themselves back and forth. All the while, he continued his delicate kisses up and down her stomach. A devilish smile reached his lips, as he enjoyed feeling her squirm underneath him at the pleasure of his touch. He stopped briefly, staring at the beautiful look of lust on her face when he peeled off her shorts. In no time, he resumed his incredible finger massage and body kisses until he felt her body shake as she climaxed.
She was breathless, as he came up to her lips and kissed her passionately. God, she ached for him to be inside her. She rubbed her leg against him and ran her hands down the muscles of his back, resting at the waist band of his pants. She pushed down, indicating she wanted them off. He pulled back his lips, leaving hers just enough for her to unzip his pants. He was so hard she almost couldn't get his zipper to slide down. As he helped her pull off his pants, she felt the warmth of his exposed cock brush against her, which just made her ache more for him. They were both completely naked now, their bodies pressed together, their breathing increasing with the excitement, as their tongues continued to fondle each other's mouth. Neither could stand the teasing anymore. As he penetrated her for the first time, a moan of pleasure escaped from her lips. Her warmth and softness felt incredible to him. This moment was more erotic, more intensely emotional than all the other women he'd slept with including Katherine. He looked in her eyes with intense love, as he rhythmically rocked himself inside her. She stared back into his beautiful blue eyes, lost in the deep emotions she felt. Every part of her body was on fire with desire for him. She wrapped her legs around him, pressing him deeper inside her as the passion took over. His hand caressed her face, as he ran his thumb across her lower lip. His mouth engulfed her in another deep kiss. He leaned his forehead against hers as his pace increased. She felt his incredible warmth, as he finished inside her. She stroked his hair away looking deeply in his eyes, as she pulled him in for a long gentle kiss.
Both were panting heavily when their lips parted. He gently rolled off of her, lying on his back. His hair was matted with signs of perspiration. They looked out of the corner of their eyes at each other, trying to regain their composure. He saw a drop roll down her face and thought for a moment she was crying. When he gently wiped the drop away, he realized she was just as hot as he was from the intense passion. He pushed back a piece of hair that was stuck to her face and slightly smiled. They laid that way in silence for a few moments just looking at each other. She slid closer to him, resting her cheek on his chest. He wrapped his arms around her, gently caressing her shoulder. She closed her eyes for a moment, taking in his soothing touch. She delicately ran her fingers across his chest, outlining each muscle.
"Do you ever miss it...being human?"
His response came without hesitation. "All the time." She looked up at him with a quizzical look. He teased, "Don't look so surprised."
She smiled sheepishly at him. "It's just that you've always seemed to embrace being a vampire."
"I embrace it because I don't have a choice. I spent the first 50 years despising what I'd become, hiding in shadows, refusing to drink until I'd passed out."
She rolled onto her stomach, draping herself across his chest, so she could see him better. "What changed?"
"I came across other vampires who showed me another way. Denying it wasn't going to change anything. I had to make a choice, either live out eternity in misery, or enjoy the things I still had."
She rested her chin lightly on his chest. Sadly, she said, "What if I can't accept it?"
"You have to Elena. You can't go back. That life is over." He could see his words sinking in as a profound sadness ran across her face. "It'll be different for you than it was for me. You have a lot of people who care about you to help you through it. I'll always be here for you, if you need me."
She nodded slightly in acknowledgement. Her fingers ran across his chest again, trailing them with small kisses. "What were you like when you were human?"
He rolled his eyes up in reflection before looking back at her. "I was...like you...decent...kind. I had good morals." He looked at her with that last word before correcting himself. "Well mostly." She gave him a smirk, knowing too well what he meant. He smiled back then continued. "I never wanted to hurt anyone. That's why I left the war, too much bloodshed."
She knew he fought in the Civil War, but he'd never said much about it. "You had to do what you thought was right."
He scoffed, "Yeah, my father didn't see it that way. I became an even bigger disappointment."
She could see the pain of that rejection behind the distant look in his eyes. "He was wrong Damon."
"No, he wasn't. I proved him right by consorting with a vampire. That's why he killed me. That's why he killed Stefan too, turning us both into the thing he despised the most." He blinked away the thought, returning him to the present. "'Then the son he treasured the most killed him and completed the transition with his blood." He weakly smiled at her at the twistedness of it.
She studied his face, as he tried to hide the pain. She had only seen him this vulnerable once before when he was on the verge of dying from a werewolf bite. He never really let people know the pain he'd lived through. He hid it all behind his protective walls of indifference. Looking into his mesmerizing eyes, she whispered, "I'm sure he loved you too Damon. I just think he didn't understand you."
He snickered. "Yeah, that's because he was too busy beating me into submission." He caught himself as soon as he said it. He didn't mean to divulge so much.
She had no idea what to say to that. Elena knew from what Stefan told her that Damon had taken the brunt of their father's abuse, but she hadn't realized it involved beating him. She knew a change of subject was in order. "You know, I never thanked you for all the times you saved my life. I was always too busy being mad at you. I know you were just trying to protect me."
"Except this time."
"You still saved me Damon, you were there. It was your blood that brought me back."
"I'm not the one that gave it to you."
She scooted closer to him placing a soft kiss on his neck before nuzzling her head under his chin. "But it's still why I'm here."
He rested his cheek on the top of her head, as she closed her eyes to sleep. He loved her more than anything, but he wouldn't ruin this moment by saying it. He'd made that mistake too many times before. This moment was all he had before it was time to let her go again. In the morning, she'd realize her mistake, and things would go back to the way they were, albeit with an added awkwardness between them. Letting go would be more painful this time, but he accepted that going in. He etched in his memory the fragrant smell of her hair, the softness of her skin, and the beauty of her naked figure lying against him before he drifted off to sleep.
When Elena awoke, she smiled at the beautiful naked figure of Damon, sleeping peacefully beside her. Lying on his back, she studied the muscles along his chest and abdomen, recalling the feel of them beneath her fingers. She smiled at the sight of his disheveled jet black hair, as she remembered her hands running through it while they passionately kissed. Thinking about last night made her want him all over again. She slid over closer to him, pressing her bare breasts against his chest. She wrapped her right arm around him and gently kissed his neck. He immediately became aroused, as her hand lightly ran along his stomach. He gave a gentle moan, as he stirred awake from the excitement of her touch.
She mumbled, "Morning," into his neck as she gave him another kiss.
He opened his eyes to look at her smiling sleepily. "Morning." He caressed down her cheek and along her chin.
Elena asked, "Did you sleep ok?"
He craned his neck to look at her better and pursed his lips in an 'eh' gesture. "On and off. You?"
She propped herself up on one elbow, softly rubbing her lips against his shoulder. Surprised at her own answer, she replied, "Really well actually. For the first time since I transitioned, I felt...safe, like everything was going to be ok."
He nodded, "Good. I'm glad." She kissed his shoulder again and moved her hand lower, lightly brushing against his erection. Before she could go any lower, he entwined his fingers with hers and guided her hand higher. Hesitantly he said, "I should probably get going."
She looked over at the clock. It read 5:00am. He crawled out of bed just as she turned back. "But it's still early. Jeremy won't be up for while."
He gave her a tight smile. "Still I need to go."
She looked lustfully at his obvious erection and playfully said, "It doesn't look like you want to leave."
He gave her a half smile, as he put on his jeans and zipped them up. He pulled on his boots. He needed to leave now. The longer he stayed, the harder it would be to let her go. "Yeah, well, it's time to get back to reality."
She sat up, holding the sheet to cover her breasts. Confused, she said, "Damon, what's wrong? Did I miss something while I was asleep?"
He stood in front of her shirtless, looking incredibly sexy with the moonlight shining in on his muscles. He sighed heavily. "Look Elena, last night was...whew...", he let out a breath indicating how incredible it was, "but we both know it doesn't change anything. Your emotions are all over the place right now. We just got carried away." He put his shirt on and began buttoning it up.
Flabbergasted, she replied, "But I wanted you. We wanted each other. I don't regret that."
He tilted his head and raised his eyebrows. "Maybe not now, but once you get control of your feelings again you'll see things differently." He grabbed his jacket and put it on. "I think it's best if we forget about this. It was just a...mistake." He walked over to the window to leave, but before he could reach it, Elena was in front of him. She stood in front of him, wrapped in a sheet, her hair all a mess in a way that only happens from wild sex. God, she looked sexy in that sheet.
She pleaded with him. "Damon, last night wasn't a mistake. Don't do this. Don't turn your feelings off like you didn't feel something."
He cupped his hand behind her hair, stroking her cheek with his thumb. He looked at her with sadness in his eyes. "I'm not turning it off. I'm just accepting the truth."
Before she could say anything, he was gone. She stood there in shock at the sudden turn of the night. She sat down on the window seat, pulling her knees to her chest, and cried. This is all my fault. He thinks this meant nothing. Why didn't I tell him how I felt? She pulled out her journal to try and work through her thoughts.
Dear Diary,
I slept with Damon tonight, and it was the most passionate night I've ever had. Every part of me was on fire with his touch, but it wasn't just the sex that made it incredible. It was more than that. For once, he let me see his heart, and I felt deeply connected to him. But this morning, he pulled himself away and said it was a mistake. It's all my fault. I should've told him how I felt. I should've told him that I love him. Why didn't I tell him? Now he thinks I just used him out of lust like Katherine did. He expects me to stay with Stefan. And why wouldn't he? All I've ever done was push him away because of Stefan. I could see the pain in his eyes as he left. I don't blame him. I've done so much to hurt him. What was I so afraid of? I was afraid he wouldn't believe me. He's always been there for me to help me through the bad, to save my life, to love me unconditionally. Even after I broke his heart again by choosing Stefan, he was by my side to help me through the transition. The truth is, in that moment I chose, I panicked. I chose Stefan because he was safe, because the intensity I felt with Damon was too frightening. How could I just let him go like that? They've told me that our feelings are magnified when we become a vampire. It's true. I loved Damon before, but now I don't feel like I can breathe without him. I need to fix this. I need to make him see how much I love him. It can't be too late.
Damon drove for awhile, trying to reign in his feelings before he went home to face Stefan. He would have to pretend that it didn't rip his heart out to see Stefan with Elena after he'd just made love to her. He needed to bury these feelings deep. Dwelling on them wouldn't change the reality that she would never truly love him. When he'd been inside her, he swore he saw something in her eyes, he saw love for him. Who am I kidding? I just saw what I wanted to see. It doesn't matter. All that matters is that I don't make the same mistake that I did with Katherine. He won't share her, not this time. He wouldn't be used again. It was one thing to have meaningless sex with random women, but it was another to sleep with the woman you loved, knowing she'd never be yours. She'd made her choice, and like it or not, he would respect it. He finally arrived home just as the sun was rising. He immediately walked to the bar to pour himself a drink. He needed to forget. He slammed one glass then another. The third glass he took with him to the couch where he laid down. He placed the cool glass on his forehead, trying to clear his thoughts. He closed his eyes, and all he could think about was what it felt like to hold her, to feel every inch of her body. For his own sanity, he needed to block this out. She would go back to Stefan like nothing happened, so he'd have to pretend he didn't care. It was the only way he could survive. It's just how it would always be for him.