A Short, Disturbing Conversation

Ukyo spends some time with the eldest Tendo girl and discovers the secret to her serene, placid nature. It isn't what anybody thought…

A work of fan-fiction by Dan Stickney.

Ranma ½ is the property of Rumiko Takahashi.

"So tell me, Ukyo-chan -- just between the two of us -- Just what is it that you see in Ranma?"

Ukyo looked up from the soup she was stirring. Kasumi was tapping her lips thoughtfully as she perused the tempura batter recipes in her mother's kitchen notebook. Ukyo was suddenly wary; was this Kasumi's opening salvo in some subtle campaign on her youngest sister's behalf? "Excuse me?"

Kasumi made her choice and started hunting up ingredients. "I'd just like to know just what it is you all see in Ranma. I mean... I know he's a decent boy at heart, but his macho act does get tiresome after a while. He's touchy about his ego and he's frequently thoughtless, especially when it comes to others' feelings. And he seems to have a positive genius for saying the wrong thing. So just what is it that you -- well, not just you, but all of you, including my little sister -- see in him?"

Ukyo turned back to her soup, relaxing. She shouldn't have worried -- this was Kasumi after all, not Nabiki. "Oh, I don't know. The usual things, I guess."

Kasumi didn't up from her mixing bowl. "What do you mean by 'the usual things.'"

Ukyo took a moment to taste her soup, using the time to consider her response. Hmmm. Needs more salt. She'd never admit it openly, but it was kind of lonely living by herself, especially during the holidays. She'd jumped at the invitation to help Kasumi cook for the Tendo's Christmas party. If nothing else, it gave her an opportunity to demonstrate that her considerable cooking skills extended well beyond her trademark Okonomiyaki.

If it put her one up on Akane, then so much the better.

"Well…" she said at last, thinking aloud. "It's true he can be thoughtless, but that's only because he's clueless about girls, not because he's mean. And under his macho bluster he's actually quite shy. And in a way, his very artlessness is kind of refreshing. You always know where you stand with Ran-chan. When you add that to the rest of the package…"

"Package?" Kasumi tilted her head in apparent puzzlement.

Ukyo blushed. "You know… That hair, those eyes...that cute butt…" Down, girl.

"Oh." Kasumi responded mildly. She put the flour canister back on the shelf. "So it's a sex thing." She sounded vaguely disappointed.

Ukyo blinked in surprise. "Uh… well, yeah. Of course."

"That's too bad." Kasumi responded, reaching for the starch. "I had so hoped it would be something that I could understand."

Ukyo lowered her tasting spoon slowly, all thought of salt forgotten. "But… surely you…" she trailed off. Surely even Kasumi has a sex drive...

"Actually, no, I don't." Kasumi responded to Ukyo's unspoken question, still not looking at her companion, sounding for all the world as if she was discussing the relative merits of halibut and mackerel.

"None? Not at all?" Ukyo asked, her eyebrows approaching her hairline and almost making it.

"None." Kasumi confirmed, picking up her measuring spoons. Something about her manner - the way that she could be so, so…matter-of-fact about it, made the hair stand up on the back of Ukyo's head.

Ukyo swallowed and tried again. "Do you mean to tell me that, say…on a scale of one to ten, with five being normal and Shampoo being about three hundred and fifteen, you're a…?"

"Zero." Kasumi responded pleasantly, rummaging in a drawer for her pastry blender. "I guess I've always known I was different, ever since I was a little girl, but it wasn't until I was older that I finally figured it out."

Ukyo swallowed, unable to form a coherent response.

"I guess it's kind of like being tone-deaf or colorblind. It's normal for me, so I hardly ever notice. But every now and then I realize that there's a whole level of communication that I'm missing."

"You mean you don't get anything about sex at all?"

"Oh, no. I've studied everything there is to know about sex -- I've borrowed a lot of books from Dr. Tofu on the subject…"

Well, that certainly explains a lot about that relationship Ukyo couldn't help thinking

"…but I honestly don't understand any of it -- any more than a deaf person can really understand music, or a blind person can truly understand painting."

"And that doesn't bother you?"

"Well, I do feel a little bit left our sometimes, and I sometimes wish I understood enough to help Akane deal with her feelings a little better. Especially when I see how upset Ranma makes her. But when I see all the crying she does…"

"But… what about love?" Ukyo heard her own voice asking, as if from a great distance.

"What's that got to do with it?" Kasumi asked, honestly puzzled as she put the pastry blender to its intended use. "I love my family very much, Ukyo…"

And it shows Ukyo thought, thinking of all the special little smiles, the hugs, the snacks: all of the little things Kasumi did for them, especially Akane…

"…and I honestly don't understand what sex would have to do with it." Kasumi was adding the liquids now, in precise, measured steps.

It wouldn't, but…"But what about a family of your own? Don't you want to have children?"

"Oh, yes." Kasumi responded, clasping the pastry blender to her apron-clad chest, a faraway look on her face. "I do want children, very much…"

But…Ukyo objected internally.

Kasumi sobered. "…but…I know I'll have to have sex, in order to have them." She looked down at her mixing bowl contemplatively. "Oh, dear. I hope it won't be too unpleasant…"

Ukyo hardly noticed the change in tone, but that was hardly surprising: by this point, Ukyo probably wouldn't have noticed an asteroid strike. She watched silently as the tall, willowy girl put the pastry blender in the sink and began to dredge the shrimp, delicately dunking each little pink body in the batter with her chopsticks.

"There. All ready." Kasumi murmured happily, smiling down at her handiwork. "Now all I need to do is heat the wok and…" She finally turned to where Ukyo stood by the stove. The fading winter's light glowing through the window above the sink made Kasumi look heartbreakingly beautiful. Ukyo looked deep into Kasumi's perfectly clear eyes -- eyes that were utterly devoid of anything even remotely resembling an impure thought -- and shuddered violently.

Kasumi looked concerned. "Umm…Ukyo-chan? I think your soup is boiling over."

Author's note:

Two things inspired this story: The first was recent news reports that a significant number of people (perhaps as many as one in a hundred) report feeling absolutely no sexual attraction to anyone or anything. The second is a brief sequence in the "Les Miserables of the Kuno Estate" TV episode where Sasuke sees Kasumi giving Akane a special warm, loving smile and realizes just how cold and loveless his own situation with the Kuno family feels.

To all of those who wish to accuse me of writing yet another "weird" story, I plead guilty as charged. At least I'm original. From my perspective, there's little point in revisiting story ideas that have been done to death. Normal is dull. You can't accuse me of being weird without accusing yourself of being mundane.

Finally, it wasn't until after I wrote this that I realized with a start that it was actually eerily plausible: Did you ever wonder why Kasumi's most evil impulse when she was possessed by the oni was ordering tons of expensive takeout food?

December 17, 2004