Kazahaya and Rikuou have been given yet another extra assignment. This time they are off to a large, self-contained campus in the heart of Tokyo. What bizarre situation will they encounter this time?
Errand on CLAMP Campus -Or- Kakei's Idea of an Easy Job
A gentle breeze
A loving embrace
Oh, heaven of my life
I'm fighting to protect your heart
Horrible lyrics to a horrible song – that was all Kazahaya and Rikuou heard blaring from the campus speakers. Kazahaya had only ever been to school that one time but he was fairly sure it was not normal for such music to be played in a place like this. It looked like classes were in session – the campus walkways were nearly empty. Wouldn't the music be a distraction for the students?
Still, it was far from the most unusual thing he had come across during Kakei's side jobs so he contented himself by saying that maybe this would be as weird as it would get.
Meanwhile across campus, the song signaled to one Kentaro Higashikunimaru and one Takeshi Shukaido the sudden need to skip out on class. Why could the signal never came between classes? It was a hell of a lot easier to take a tardy than to come up with yet another excuse to leave class. Taichirou-sensei was suspicious enough as it was. Sudden illness, sick family, appointments – the list of acceptable excuses had already seen at least two full run-throughs by now.
-Not Quite Ten Minutes Earlier-
Despite the fact that it was the middle of class, Kentaro had a lavish display of food spread across his desk. To his right, Sukiyabashi-kun was working away at the onigiri Kentaro had given him, and to his left, Takeshi was attempting to take notes. He seemed to have trouble concentrating though, and this, Kentaro reasoned, could only be because he had once again skipped breakfast.
Take-pon, he mentally lamented, you need to take better care of yourself!
It was a good thing he was there to make sure his friend got the nutrition he needed. He picked out a piece of tamagoyaki – the sugar could give him a bit of quick energy while the protein would make sure that his blood sugar levels didn't peak and wane – reached across the space between himself and Takeshi, and proffered the food conveniently at the other teen's mouth.
Takeshi only gave him a threatening glare.
Sukiyabashi filled the silence. "Isn't it nice how the two of you can communicate with each other without even using words? You really are just the closest of friends!"
Oh, Kentaro could read Takeshi's thoughts all right. He knew he wasn't making the progress in their relationship he had been hoping for. How was it possible for his offering to be rejected so coldly? Isn't food supposed to be the quickest way to any man's heart? Was it possible that maybe food wasn't the only way? What else could show off his excellent home-making skills? Maybe he should present Take-pon with a knitted gift – a nice hat, maybe. Something that would keep him warm but not something so bulky that he wouldn't be able to keep in on beneath his Duklyon battle helmet.
Through his inner debate and strategy session, he was vaguely aware of Sukiyabashi being excused to the restroom. Mere seconds later, the signal began to blare across the campus speakers.
Takeshi and Kentaro sprung from their seats, their miniature quarrel forgotten in an instant. The Evil Imonoyama Shopping District Association must be at it again. It was time to take their teamwork to the ultimate level – CLAMP School's own dynamic duo of defenders – Duklyon!
Their enthusiasm was crushed in an instant. "You boys can just sit right back down. You've already missed class twice this week. Whatever it is you have just remembered can wait."
"Sensei, we understand what an inconvenience this is for you. You work very hard to provide us with the best education in Japan, but—"
"I said SIT!"
Taichirou-sensei could be pretty scary at times.
"As members of CLAMP School Duk—"
A hand over Kentaro's mouth prevented him from going any further with his admission. Both boys sat back down but leaned their heads together to converse.
"What are we going to do Take-pon?"
"Like we have a choice. We'll sit here and pay attention to class like everyone else. This job has really gone too far anyway."
"What are you saying? We're a team, you and me. Honor and justice. Courage! That's all we need! We'll just run out of here on three. Ok? Taichirou-sensei won't be able to stop us. Ready? One…"
"What? No!"
"Two…"
"Kentaro! I said, we're not going!"
"Three!" Kentaro took off then, pulling his unwilling companion along with him in a mad dash to the door. One second, they were in the clear, the next ,Taichirou-sensei was blocking the door. How was that possible? He'd been on the other side of the room just a moment ago. He would have had to move at an inhuman speed to get there.
"Uhh…Sensei…. Kentaro here is very sorry for this unruly behavior and—"
"Quite! I don't want to hear either of your excuses. Return to your seats immediately."
"Of course." This time it was Takeshi dragging Kentaro around.
By now, the first song had ended and a second song had begun. "Erii's gonna kill us!"
A sudden knock at the classroom door redirected Kentaro's attention away from Iron Fists and giant mallets. Two boys walked in. They looked like they could be students due to their age, but Kentaro had never seen them on campus before. They went straight to the teacher's desk and presented a piece of paper to Taichirou. The shorter of the two looked on nervously as the teacher read through what he'd just been given.
"Ah, well. Higashikunimaru-kun, Shukaido-kun. Next time you have a meeting with the Elementary Student Body Chairman, speak up. I've heard he doesn't take well to waiting."
The Chairman? "Kentaro."
"Call me Ken-pi!"
"Kentaro, this is our opportunity."
"Right, let's go!"
And with that, CLAMP School's defenders were off to save campus from yet another ruthless attack.
Erii caught up with them on their way to the closest battle suit retrieval site. "What is wrong with the two of you? What kind of super hero dallies around for four and half whole minutes before they jump into action?"
"We tried to leave the very second the sig—" Kentaro's explaination was cut short as Erii whipped out her handy dandy mallet and whacked the poor boy upside the head.
"Kentaro! Are you alright?" His partner lay on the ground twitching as Takeshi looked him over. "You know, knocking him unconscious isn't going to help us answer this call any faster."
"Iron Fi—"
The violence was stopped with Erii's hand halfway to Takeshi's head. "I see you have finally grouped."
"General!" The image of the director was being projected onto the side of a building to their left. Erii saluted while Takeshi helped his injured partner stand. "Since you seemed to have had some trouble getting here, I'll make this short. The Evil Imonoyama Shopping District Association has taken over the park in the middle of campus. Restore order before the end of the period. CLAMP School Defenders, go!" And the image was gone.
A crowd was gathering at one of the campus parks as Kazahaya and Rikuou were on their way back home. It probably would have been a better idea to go around but the thought didn't occur to either of the boys until they were already in the middle of the action. Once they were there, it didn't take much effort to figure out why so many people were standing around.
"Setting up this toll station in the middle of CLAMP Campus Park is the first step in the Imonoyama Shopping District Association's plan for world conquest!"
Kazahaya stopped dead in his tracks. Was this guy serious? World conquest? And dressed like… that? With the huge spiked shoulder guards and the billowing white cape and the pink eye makeup trailing down the center of his cheeks like tears and the henohenomoheji style masks for the lackeys? He was about to comment that perhaps this was all just some sort of staged performance then remember that this was a Kakei job and thought better of it.
"Henchmen, let us begin our work of collecting all edibles from those in the park as payment. We must move quickly befo—"
"Not so fast, Evildoer!"
Girls squealed and boys cheered as two more costumed weirdoes showed up on the scene. There was a girl with them too, but she wasn't so bizarrely dressed. The odd newcomers wore what could only be described as cartoon-esque superhero suits complete with helmets to obscure their identity. One wore blue and the other, red.
"Grr! Not again!"
"We, CLAMP School Defenders Duklyon will allow this to go no further! My faithful partner and I will defeat you in a dizzying display of our manly prowess! I will allow nothing to get in the way of our perfect climax!
It was at that point that the guy in blue pulled the guy in red off to the side – away from the "evildoer" and closer to Kazahaya. They were so close in fact, that he could hear their whole conversation.
"Kentaro! Do you realize that what you're saying can be interpreted as… Well, I don't think that kind of innuendo is befitting a superhero! Are you sure you can say things like that? Won't we get in trouble? Our manga is rated 'Y' you know. That includes kids as young as 7."
"Don't worry about it. This is fan fiction. We can say anything we want here – even if it's so horribly out of character that it's tantamount to character rape." When his crime-fighting partner somehow managed to visibly pale through his helmet, the guy in red, Kentaro, went on. "Don't worry Take-pon. I won't let any of the fangirls character-rape you. "
At this, Take…pon? took his display of mortification a step further – taking a step back, bending a leg, holding his arms away from the body with elbows bent, one shoulder slightly forward and the other slightly back. "Wh… What are you talking about?"
"A proper wife will always defend her husband's good name."
"Enough! You are always interrupting my plans so I will now interrupt your strategy session. Come forth, evil Fox Beast, Yip-Yip!"
"Uh, Rikuou?"
After a moment, a distracted reply came. "Yeah?"
"We already completed our assignment, right?"
The two looked at each other then and a shared thought formed – one that said, 'Let's get the hell out of here before we get dragged into this mess.'
The boys were making their way through the heavy crowd as fast as humanly possible, Rikuou holding onto Kazahaya's wrist so they wouldn't be separated, when a deafening sound rang out from behind them, a cloud of smoke engulfed them, and the earth trembled beneath them. It was all accompanied by the unmistakable shout of, "Duklyon Final Crush!"
Wait. Wasn't this story supposed to be all about Kazahaya and Rikuou? Aren't they the heroes of my stories? How is it that Takeshi and Kentaro got so much screen time? Better luck next time Green Drug boys. Until then, work hard! Stock those shelves, complete your extra assignments, and give us UST thick enough to cut with a knife!
Author's Notes: Seriously though, if you haven't read Duklyon, go do it now! I put it off for years because, based on the cover art, I thought it looked like a stupid premise. I didn't realize that none of it was meant to be taken seriously. It's two volumes of absolute ridiculousness – easily my favorite of the lesser known CLAMP manga.