Night on the Town
"The winner is…"
"THAT'S NOT FAIR! I DEMAND A REMATCH!"
Palkia was throwing his GameCube controller against the wall, but it was teleported out of the way before any real damage was done. Through a space portal, it went back into his hand, threw it down on the ground, and THEN it was destroyed into a million pieces.
"Someone's salty." taunted a smirking (and currently very proud) Dialga. "Oh, and you owe me 3000 Poke Dollars for a new controller."
"Yes! I am salty! I am salty as hell! You only won because Ness is a braindead easy character and you got a Master Ball with Giratina in it!" Palkia screamed with total rage.
"Really? You were the one that wanted to have the items on in the first place. And it's hardly fair to argue that Ness is a 'braindead easy character' when you played Mario. Tier lists are not a measure of skill, dear brother." Dialga said back to him calmly. Although the words were inoffensive, her tone of saying it was incredibly arrogant. Clearly, she was having fun rubbing it into Palkia's face.
Palkia flipped his lid. "MOM! DIALGA'S BEING A TOTAL BRAT TO ME!" he whined.
"MOM! PALKIA'S BEING A WHINY LITTLE SNOT FOR LOSING! AND HE OWES ME A NEW GAMECUBE CONTROLLER!"
Meanwhile…
Arceus was having a spot of tea with Giratina and Celebi in Celebi's garden.
"So, have you heard the news?" Arceus said to the two, sipping her iced tea… until she remembered that she didn't have a mouth. With an annoyed grunt, she gave it to Celebi.
"Those new Legendaries, right? From… Alola?" Giratina said, just sipping the sports drink he had.
"Yeah, I've heard." Celebi said, sipping the tea Arceus gave her. "That lion guy looks like he could be Entei's grandfather or something."
"Better than being the Queen of All Zubats." Giratina joked. The three had a hearty laugh until…
"MOM!" screamed the loud voices of the two very whiny and immature gods of time and space.
Arceus sighed, in clear contempt. "Urgh…" she growled. "What are those two fighting over now? Food? Video games? Whose turn it is to deal with Shaymin and whatever new victim she picked up off the street?"
Giratina shuddered. "Don't remind me. I'd rather forget all about her whenever I don't have to be near her."
Celebi sighed. "I pity those new Legendaries when they have to meet her."
"Whose turn is it?" Giratina asked, looking over to Arceus. "I've lost track."
"Mine." She grumbled, walking out of the garden and going over to Dialga's and Palkia's room. She was seriously considering just putting a gigantic wall in the middle of the room and splitting them up. Reshiram and Zekrom got along just fine sharing a room. Then again, Reshiram and Zekrom weren't immature brats.
She entered the room, seeing Dialga and Palkia bickering at each other, not even acknowledging her presence.
"Ahem." She cleared her throat, trying to get them to notice her.
It didn't take. The bickering only got louder.
"Ahem!" she said louder.
It had still failed to catch their attention, the two bickering VERY LOUDLY now and making Arceus's ears ring.
She was done being nice.
"SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT! UP!"
Dialga and Palkia were immediately quiet and stopped bickering.
"Yes, Mother." Dialga said quietly. "…Palkia started it."
Palkia's voice went up. "ONLY BECAUSE YOU…!"
"PALKIA! DON'T MAKE ME TAKE AWAY YOUR COLLECTION OF DOLLS!"
"THEY'RE NOT DOLLS, THEY'RE ACTION FIGURES!"
"I DON'T CARE WHAT THEY ARE! BOTH OF YOU! JUST! BE! QUIET!"
"Yes, Mother." Dialga and Palkia said quietly to her.
"Now… would either of you like to explain what happened?"
"I could just rewind time and show you." Dialga offered.
"Dialga, we have a rule about this. No rewinding time for minor mistakes. Only very major and critical mistakes."
"I'd say this is a pretty major mistake! I'm short one GameCube controller thanks to Palkia!"
"Palkia, what happened? I want to hear this from you."
Palkia was silent for a while before talking. "I… lost a game and Dialga gloated at me, so I kinda smashed the controller into the ground. It's in a billion pieces now."
Arceus looked around the room as she entered further to get a better view. Indeed, little chunks of sharp black plastic were spread around the room.
Arceus sighed. "Oh, Palkia. How many times have I told you? Even if you lose a game or something important, you know that…"
Palkia crossed his arms, upset. "I know…"
"You've got to control your temper." Arceus and Palkia said simultaneously.
"I worry about you, son. I'm really starting to think we should see a psychiatrist. Cresselia has a perfectly valid degree in psychiatry she earned working as a disguised mortal in college, just for all of the Legendaries here to help them with their problems. She'd be more than happy to help you."
Palkia sighed in defeat. "I understand, Mom. I just get so upset sometimes when I lose. And especially if someone rubs it in my face. Dialga really did…"
Dialga smirked. "Pathetic." She gloated, starting to leave… until she felt her mother dragging her back with telekinesis.
"Don't think you're getting off scot-free either, Dialga." Arceus said sternly, looking at her. "Whether or not Palkia smashed the controller before or after you gloated about it doesn't matter. You gloated about it when you really shouldn't have. You knew that Palkia was already upset, but you just rubbed it in his face instead of trying to calm him down or coming to get me. You did that just to intentionally rile him up, and to me, that's just as bad as losing your temper."
Dialga's smirk disappeared, and neither Dialga nor Palkia were snide or malicious towards the other now.
"Unfortunately, I'll have to punish the both of you."
A horrified look was on Palkia's face. "No, you're not going to the Distortion World." Arceus spoke.
A terrifying realization was on Dialga's face now. "No, I'm not sending you two to Shaymin." Arceus said once more.
Relief hit both of the gods of time and space.
"But clearly, taking away privileges or your things has had little effect. So, I'm opting for a different kind of punishment. You two will go out on a night on the town. Together. With Giratina. You two will remain 50 feet from each other at all times. I hope this will help you two learn to get along."
Horror hit the duo's faces again, as a Red Chain appeared out of thin air and tightened around Dialga's leg and Palkia's leg.
"Mom! You can't do this! Please! I'll go insane!" Palkia begged, down on his hands and knees pleading. "Pick something else! Anything! Even Shaymin! Because I can't stand being with Dialga for an entire night!"
Dialga looked away from her brother, pretending not to be associated with him. "…What he said."
"Cry me a river." Arceus said bluntly. "Now follow me."
The two sighed as they followed Arceus out, going back to Celebi's garden where Celebi and Giratina were still talking.
"…And that's how I got expelled to the Distortion World. But at least now I have free access to both worlds."
Celebi stared at Giratina with a mix of absolute shock and horror on her face.
"I am never going to look at cream cheese the same way ever again." Celebi sighed.
Arceus chuckled. "Telling that story again, Giratina?" she asked as she came in.
Giratina laughed. "Yep. I'm pretty sure half of the Legendaries here have a phobia of cream cheese now. Anyway, what's up Arcy?"
"These two…" she motioned over to Dialga and Palkia. "…are under punishment. You can probably see the Red Chain on them, as the two will be forced to spend the night together and hopefully learn to get along better."
"Good luck with that…" Palkia muttered under his breath.
"And… how do we make sure that they don't destroy the entire Hall of Origin?" Giratina said in concern.
"Simple. You will take them out for a night on the town. It's about 5 p.m. anyways. They can't do much damage in their human forms."
"All right… but I'd like to bring some others with me. I can't keep those two from bickering at each other alone. Just look at them."
Arceus looked back and sighed. The two were now arguing about whose fault it was that they had to spend the entire night together.
"…Point taken. Who do you want to help you?"
"Darkrai and Cresselia." Giratina replied.
Arceus had a look of confusion on her face. "Cresselia, I get… but why Darkrai? Cresselia can help calm down Dialga and Palkia but Darkrai…"
"Can trap them in nightmares if they prove to get too extreme with each other." Giratina smirked.
"…Point taken. Again. I'll go get them."
The group of Dialga, Palkia, Giratina, Darkrai, and Cresselia were all now gathered in the entrance to the Hall of Origin, now in human forms and preparing to leave. Predictably, Dialga and Palkia were still bickering.
Darkrai was grumbling. "Come on, Mom. I had a video game night planned with Groudon and Yveltal! It's not fair that I have to help babysit these two brats for something I didn't do."
"Darkrai, it's for the greater good." Arceus answered formally.
"And I should care because…?"
"…How does the Ultimate Collector's Edition of Final Fantasy XV for your PlayStation 4 sound?" Arceus smirked.
Darkrai's jaw dropped. "B-But… there's only 30,000 copies made! And they're all sold out!"
"Darkrai. I am a freaking Goddess. Do you really think that I can't just create a copy for you? Because as the Goddess of the ENTIRE POKEMON UNIVERSE, I think I can pull that off."
Darkrai was literally on his hands and knees, worshipping Arceus. "Thank you, oh wonderful Goddess of the Pokémon Universe. Praise be unto you!"
Giratina rolled his eyes. "Oh brother."
Arceus laughed. "Bribery is a powerful tool, Giratina. Now get up Darkrai. Head out with the others."
Darkrai immediately did so, literally dragging Dialga and Palkia with him as he headed out with them.
"Hey! Darkrai!" Dialga yelled.
"We weren't done with our argument over time and space yet!" Palkia complained.
Arceus commented. "You guys better catch up."
Cresselia chuckled awkwardly. "I suppose so."
Both Giratina and Cresselia dashed to catch up with Darkrai, before the group warped out of sight.
The night-time lights and glamour of Jubilife City surrounded the human form Pokémon, looking at everything the city had to offer. The group had just teleported into the city, looking around at all of the wonders.
"So… where should we go?" Giratina asked. "Jubilife City has some of the best night-time strip clubs in all of Sinnoh. Even the humans are really…"
"No." Cresselia said, glaring at Giratina. "No strip clubs. No night clubs. And none of those really weird places you like to visit Giratina. Nothing like that."
"Fine…" Giratina grumbled, looking around for something else.
"How about the mini-golf course?" Darkrai suggested. "I haven't played mini-golf before, so I think it would be nice to try out."
Palkia got a confident smirk. "Ha! I can easily beat you at something like mini-golf!" he boasted to Dialga.
Dialga laughed. "I whooped your butt as Smash Bros. What makes mini-golf any different?"
"Oh yeah?! Bring it!" Palkia challenged, the two running off to the mini-golf course.
"I don't think Dialga and Palkia are going to actually learn to get along on this night out for a 'punishment'." Cresselia said, putting 'punishment' in air quotes. The trio dashed to catch up with them, with Darkrai going the fastest and blazing ahead of Giratina and Cresselia.
"Final Fantasy XV, here I come!" he whooped in victory, quickly catching up to Dialga and Palkia.
Giratina and Cresselia, being much slower than Darkrai, struggled to keep up.
"Wait… why are we running?" Cresselia realized.
"To catch up with them?" Giratina pointed out.
Immediately, Cresselia teleported away, presumably to the mini-golf course.
"Oh. Right. We can do that." Giratina realized as well, before quickly teleporting himself.
"Did Giratina built this mini-golf course or something? Because this defies all non-Distortion World logic."
"I don't know how I could replicate this IN the Distortion World."
Darkrai and Giratina talked among the group as they looked at the first out of the nine courses they would play on. The score for par for this hole was 4 strokes, but that's where everything normal about it ended.
For starters, the hole had space portals around the starting point, with three you could aim your ball into. One portal led to the green and would dump the ball close to the hole. Another would lead the golf ball into a sand bunker around the green where the hole was. And the third portal led straight to a portal above the starting point, forcing the golfer to take another stroke.
And this was the FIRST HOLE.
"What is this, Mario Golf?!" Cresselia exasperated.
"I dread to think what the other courses are like…" Darkrai grumbled.
"I think I actually see lava over there…" Giratina said in disbelief, looking over to another course.
Meanwhile, Dialga and Palkia were playing a round of rock-paper-scissors to determine who would get first stroke…
"Ha! Paper beats rock!" Palkia shouted in victory.
"Get real! There's no way that a puny little paper can crush the awesome force that is rock!" Dialga protested.
Palkia rolled his eyes, setting his golf ball down to take his first stroke.
"Let's see… which portal to pick…" he said, looking through them. "…I'll try the right one."
Lining up his putt (since it's still mini-golf somehow), the ball rolled through the portal… and was about to land into the sand bunker. Palkia acted quickly, making a small space portal where the ball would have fallen into the bunker and put one directly about the hole.
*CLINK!*
"Oh yeah, baby! Hole-in-one!" Palkia yelled in victory.
"You little cheater! That doesn't count!" Dialga protested back, punching Palkia in the face.
"It does too, count!"
*PUNCH!*
"Does not!"
*PUNCH!*
"Does too!"
*PUNCH!*
This continued on for quite a while.
30 minutes later…
"Are you two done yet?" Giratina sighed, with the punches having stopped and the duo resorting to BITING.
Dialga's teeth were buried into Palkia's human flesh, with the latter trying to rip the former off. However, Dialga's head was banged up due to Palkia hitting her with a golf club.
"Maybe this wasn't a good idea." Darkrai admitted.
"Oh, you two! Knock it off!" Cresselia ordered, using her Lunar Wings to finally calm down Dialga and Palkia. The two fell back from each other, sleeping peacefully.
"Finally…" she sighed.
"This… could be a bit of a problem." Darkrai said. "You guys all know that if I'm right next to people while they're sleeping, I can sorta unintentionally cause… nightmares. I have a solo room in the Hall of Origin for a reason, you know."
"Oh, that's right…" Giratina said. "…You guys just want to go on to the next course and leave Dialga and Palkia in nightmares?"
"Yes." Darkrai and Cresselia said, without missing a beat.
Hole 5
"Whoops." Giratina said, his golf ball going into lava. "Umm… I think I'll just get a new golf ball." He said, going over to the giant pile of balls that were provided for this course.
"So Darkrai…" Cresselia asked.
"Yeah?"
"I'm aware that you cause nightmares… but do you have the power to manipulate them?"
Darkrai smirked, laughing. "Oh yes, Cresselia. Oh yes…"
Meanwhile, in Dialga's and Palkia's nightmare…
It was the most horrifying thing possible that could ever happen to the both of them. Terrifying, horrific, and just plain scary.
The birds chirped. The bees buzzed.
…Wedding bells rang.
Dialga was dressed in a fancy wedding dress while Palkia was in a tuxedo. In Pokémon form. Yet even more frightfully, no one questioned how this was possible. And Giratina was walking a protesting Dialga down the aisle.
"I'm so happy for my bro and sis getting hitched!" he sobbed happily as he tightly hugged Dialga, with Dialga doing her damn best to struggle out of it.
Palkia felt the same way, looking down at his tuxedo and… not being able to move. He glared at the guests. "All right, which one of you dirty Electric-types used Thunder Wave on me?!"
Everyone seemed oblivious to Palkia's question as Dialga went face to face with Palkia, across from each other.
"If I could kill myself to end this, I would." Palkia commented.
"Believe me, I'd love to kill you too." Dialga snarked.
Arceus, who was holding the wedding, looked around for a bit for something…
"RING-BEARER! I CAN'T START THIS WEDDING WITHOUT LEGALLY BINDING WEDDING RINGS!"
Mewtwo floated over to Arceus. "Why did I even have to be included in this?" he thought to himself.
He spoke up. "Lady Arceus, I'm afraid I have bad news. Mew had… eaten the rings."
Dialga and Palkia sighed in relief. "Thank Arceus."
Arceus was, predictably, angry. "Don't thank me for Mew RUINING your WONDERFUL WEDDING DAY!"
"But…" Mewtwo smiled.
"But?" Dialga and Palkia said, fear on their faces.
"I have performed the necessary surgery to retrieve them from Mew's stomach before they were… processed. Don't worry. Mew should be fine in a decade or so."
"Then this is a joyous occasion!" Arceus cheered, with Dialga and Palkia SCREAMING in absolute terror as the rings were fit onto them.
"Anyway… blah blah love. Blah blah spouse and stuff. Blah blah blah for all eternity. Blah blah blah. You may now kiss the bride."
Once Dialga and Palkia were released, the two were supposed to kiss… but the sheer rage they had for the other caused an apocalyptic universal explosion the moment they made contact.
Happens all the time.
Pokémon © Nintendo / Game Freak
OK, so this was my first time writing some 'crack humor' for quite some time since the Pokémon World Tour series a couple years back. Obviously, this isn't really perfect or even my best writing, but I hope it's DECENT. Initially, this oneshot focused more on Darkrai and Cresselia, but I decided to experiment a bit and spin it in a different direction. I'm not sure how successful the end result was, but it was nice to try my hand at 'crack humor' again and give a bit of a glance at the everyday life of Legendary Pokémon.
Also, I would've uploaded this earlier, but it wouldn't upload the original file for some reason when I first attempted to. But it's working now.