To Arcadia, With Love
"Puta madre!" Mouse swore and slammed her fist against the table.
"Tied up," Augur chuckled as he prepared to flick his last foil football. "Feeling the tension now, Mousie?"
"Fuck you," Mouse sighed as she resumed the goalposts with her fingers.
"Remember. Loser does the laundry. That includes my smelly socks."
"Eat shit."
Augur grinned and leaned down over the table, squeezing one eye shut as he took careful aim. Then, with great precision, he flicked the foil football right over Mouse's goalposts, winning the game.
Mouse tossed her hands up and shouted in frustration. Then, she began cursing and swearing so quickly in Spanish that even a language interpreter would have trouble translating her speech. All the while, Augur was leaning back in his chair, clutching his chest as he shook with laughter.
"Fuck this fucking stupid piece of shit game!" Mouse stood up and kicked her chair over.
"Oh, come on, don't do that," Augur said, still laughing. "Don't do that. Don't be like that. Where was that cocky attitude a few minutes ago?"
Mouse showed him one of her middle fingers. "Don't speak to me, pendejo."
"Alright, how 'bout this?" Augur started gathering up all the scattered foil footballs. "One last round. Winner takes all."
"Hmph," Mouse crossed her arms and pointed her chin up petulantly. "Fine," she picked up her chair and sat down.
As they returned to their game, K shifted his attention back outside the window, staring out into the endless expanse of space.
For the last few weeks, they had been making steady progress towards Arcadia, making sure to steer clear of American space. Their journey so far had been quiet and uneventful which they were thankful for, but it was also maddeningly boring. Long-range space travel often tended to be mindnumbing before the advent of ships capable of reaching faster-than-light speeds.
Of course, space-faring technology had vastly improved over the last century, and travel times between planets took only a fraction of what they used to. Ships were far more fuel-efficient and traveled faster compared to their earlier counterparts from the infant days of extraterrestrial colonization. Like with the earliest explorers who crossed the Earth's oceans, crossing the sea of stars took a matter of weeks and no longer than a month or two at the most.
For K, he had spent his idle time hanging out with the crew of the Maximus, helping around wherever he could, consuming whatever entertainment there was to be had on board, or just sleeping in the same room that Anna and Elsa had spent their time in during their own trip across the stars. At the moment, he was looking out into space, searching for any stars that looked particularly interesting or any bits of floating junk that might have looked cool.
"Ha!" Mouse pointed in Augur's face and laughed. "Two and O, baby! Suck my ass!"
"Chill out, girl, I'm just getting warmed up," Augur flicked another foil football. "Gettin' my groove on, you know how I do."
"Groove faster, c'mon."
"Boom. That's one."
"Oh, fuck me," Mouse shook her head and sighed.
K eventually decided that there was nothing worth watching in space, so he stood up from his seat and went over to the main circular table in the center of the lounge where the crew members of the Maximus would take their meals. He sat down between Augur and Mouse and watched them with idle interest as they played their game.
"Here we go," Mouse leaned down and stuck the tip of her tongue out of the corner of her mouth as she took aim. "Mama needs a new pair of shoes," she flicked her foil football and missed. "Come the fuck on! Are you moving your fuckin' hands?"
"Rocksteady, baby," Augur said. "My turn."
"I'm gonna fart in your protein shakes when you aren't looking."
"Yeah? I'll put your toolbox on the top shelf."
"Oh, oh! Okay, so now you wanna make fun of my height?"
"Keep running your hands, come on. Run 'em up."
Mouse muttered something in Spanish and made the goalposts with her fingers. A second later, a foil football sailed right in between them, followed by another. Augur won the game.
"Yeah. Yeah!" Augur leaned back and crossed his arms. "Now what? Look at you."
Mouse had completely frozen up, staring down at her hands.
"Stupid. Now I'm stupid, huh? I look stupid, that's what you're thinking," Augur continued. "You look stupid. Dumb. And hey, hey, you wash my clothes now. You wash all of my dirty, stinky clothes and remember that the next time you wanna get cocky. I told you. I told you, but you wanted to go up and act a damn fool."
K leaned forward, placing a hand on Mouse's shoulder. "You look like you're in rictus, you good?"
"Mmhmm," Mouse nodded, smiling through gritted teeth. "K, you like helping people, you wanna maybe help me with some laundry?"
K managed to hold his expression for a whole second. "Is that a joke?" he leaned back in his chair, clutching his chest as he started to laugh.
Augur joined him as well as they both pointed and laughed at Mouse. Like before, she started hurling all sorts of insults and profanities in Spanish. Soon enough, they all calmed down and K glanced around, noticing that he hadn't seen a few of the other crew members of the Maximus in a while.
"Say, I haven't seen Flynn or Rapunzel in a while," K said. "Where'd they run off to?"
"What time is it?" Augur asked as he started cleaning up the foil footballs from their game.
K shrugged. "Why does that matter?"
"Because, depending on the time, they might be fucking," Mouse tossed a foil football and bounced it off Augur's forehead.
K leaned back in his chair and glanced at the clock that sat above the entrance to the lounge. "Uh, it's about... ten past seven."
"Oh, so they're definitely fucking," Mouse said casually.
"Those crazy kids," Augur shook his head, chuckling.
As if on cue, the doors to the lounge opened and Flynn and Rapunzel walked in. Flynn was readjusting his vest and Rapunzel was fixing a few errant locks of her blonde hair. She smiled as she entered, as was her usual habit; smiling all the time.
"Hey, gang," Flynn went over to the fridge, opening it and reaching in for a bottle of water. "How's tricks?"
"Only been ten minutes, Flynn," Mouse scoffed. "What, did you pump and go? Punzie, is he losing his touch?"
"I don't know what you're talking about," Rapunzel shrugged, taking a seat at the table.
"That's, heh, that's none of your business," Flynn chuckled dismissively and took a sip from his water bottle. "Besides, I did not just pump and go," he muttered beneath his breath. "I'm not some two-pump chump."
Mouse and Rapunzel exchanged a look and a nod that suggested otherwise.
"Anyway, where's Tak?" Flynn sat down along with the others at the table. "It's almost dinner time."
"Cockpit," Augur said. "Jacked in."
"Must be waiting on word from Cael- well, Elsa and Anna really," Flynn said. "Not much further to Arcadia now."
"How much longer until we get there?" K asked.
"Few more days, give or take," Rapunzel said. "Less than a week, for sure."
K nodded and turned his thoughts to Anna and Elsa. The last time that he had seen either of them was nearly a month ago when they first managed to escape Earth. Before that, the last time he had spoken to Anna was even longer. At that point, he didn't know that Elsa was Caelestis and that Anna was also helping her with the android freedom movement. To say the least, he was certainly pleasantly surprised.
Always knew Anna had it in her to do good, K thought. Never doubted that for a second. She's just been dealt a bad hand and she's been doing the best she could. That's all any of us can do. If anyone deserves to be happy, it's her and Elsa.
For the next little while, they all shared some small talk, discussing nothing of special importance. At least, that was until Takahashi entered the lounge.
"I have urgent news," Takahashi said, placing his hands behind his back as he stood before the others. "From Elsa-san and Anna-san in Arcadia."
K perked up, as did the others.
"What's up, Tak?" Flynn asked.
Takahashi snapped his fingers and activated the holo-display above the table. On it was an encrypted message from their benefactors in Arcadia.
IFF codes successfully acquired and transmitted.
Proceed to Yuri Gagarin Spaceport as planned.
Maintain radio silence.
K breathed a sigh of relief. The message was brief, but it was also confirmation that Anna and Elsa were still in one piece. He hoped that getting those codes hadn't been too difficult, but, he did also notice that Lizzie wasn't mentioned.
"Well, shit, alright," Mouse clapped her hands together. "Looks like we got our ticket into Arcadia."
"Guessin' they must have found a way to deal with the Verenkovs," Augur said.
"Good, fuck 'em," Mouse said. "I hope those assholes got what they deserved."
"Tak, did they say anything about Lizzie?" K asked.
Takahashi shook his head. "Apologies, K-san. They did not."
A brief silence passed over them, during which they all arrived at the same implicit conclusion. Still, there was virtually nothing any one of them could do out in space, so, as bright and cheerful as ever, Rapunzel was determined to push on.
"We'll raise a toast to that little hellraiser, K," Rapunzel smiled reassuringly. "Along with everyone else we lost," she looked over to Takahashi. "We should do something special for dinner. What's on the menu, Tak?"
"Tacos," Takahashi. "It is taco night and I found an exciting new recipe."
"Want some help?" Rapunzel asked as she got up and went into the kitchen.
Takahashi nodded gratefully as he followed along. "I would be delighted, Rapunzel-san."
… … …
While dinner was being prepared, the rest of the crew members had cracked open a few beers and were passing the time by exchanging dirty jokes.
"So," Flynn took a sip of his beer and set down the bottle. "Guy walks into a bar, says to the bartender, hey, gimme six shots of tequila. The bartender asks him, oh yeah? Whatcha celebrating? Then the guy says, my first blowjob!" he started snickering. "So now the bartender smiles. He says, well okay then! Tell you what, I'll give you one more to make it a lucky seven," he snorted and nearly lost his composure. "And- and then... and then the guys says... he says, buddy. If the first six don't get the taste out of my mouth, then nothing will!"
K laughed and shook his head, staring into the foamy beer inside his bottle. Augur threw his head back and guffawed. Mouse smiled in amusement and nursed at her beer. Across the lounge, Rapunzel was trying to look unimpressed as she helped Takahashi with dinner.
"No, see, I've got a better one," Mouse said.
"Really?" Augur leaned on his elbow and looked down at her, grinning.
"Shit yeah," Mouse gestured for quiet. "Okay, okay, okay, listen to this. What did the virgin say after her first blowjob?" she shook her beer around to generate a head of foam and took a sip.
"I don't know, what?" K asked, humoring her.
Mouse started to laugh as she placed her hand over her mouth. "I love you," she opened her mouth and let the foam dribble out, mimicking the messy aftermath of a male ejaculation.
Flynn snorted just as he took a sip, causing beer to run out his nose. "God, you made it come out my nose!" he turned away, blowing his nose and laughing.
"Eh, don't sweat it," Mouse patted him on the back. "We all know that ain't the first time that ever happened to you."
"What about you, K?" Augur asked. "You're a tech-doc, you must know some good ones."
K made a face and shook his head. "Mmm, well, I don't know if it's good, but I got a few."
"Oh, well, by all means, Doctor K, share it with the class," Rapunzel said, raising a spoon to her mouth to taste some simmering synth-meat. "Mmm. Oh, so good. Spices are perfect, Tak."
"Thank you," Takahashi replied, chopping up some vegetables.
"Okay, here it is," K leaned forward. "So, this guy has a wife and she's in the hospital, stuck in a coma, the poor thing. One day, while the nurse is cleaning her sheets, she accidentally brushes up against her hoo ha," he whistled and pointed to his crotch. "That causes a change in her biomonitor, so the nurse gets all excited and calls up the husband. She tells him, this is gonna sound crazy, but I think if you come down here to your wife for some oral sex, it might just be the thing to get her to wake up."
The others leaned in, invested in the story.
"Husband shrugs and says, well, if you think it'll work," K continued, gesturing animatedly. "So, he goes down to the hospital to visit his wife and give it a good ol' college try. After all, he's a good guy and he loves his wife. The nurse gives them some privacy to do their thing, but after a few minutes, the wife's biomonitor starts flatlining. She doesn't have a pulse, no heartbeat, no nothing. Nurse rips the curtain open and finds the husband rolling off the bed, struggling to get his pants up. She asks, what the hell just happened? And now the husband says, I- I don't know! She must have choked!"
There was a few moments of silence as everyone stared at K. He began to worry that his joke may have actually been too dark, but those doubts quickly vanished when Mouse doubled over and started laughing the loudest.
"Ooh hoo hoo!" Mouse pointed at K. "That's fucked up."
Rapunzel was shaking her head, trying valiantly to hide her mirth. "That- that's... terrible," she chuckled. "That's just awful."
Augur cracked his knuckles and rested his elbows on the table. "I got a good one, maybe even the best one."
Flynn made a gesture with his hands. "Lay it on us, Augie bear."
"What... does a robot do after sex?" Augur asked, looking to everybody in turn.
The crew looked at him, waiting for the punchline.
"He nuts and bolts," Augur said, smiling widely as he held up his hands, waiting for a reaction.
Silence. Except for K. He had taken a sip just as Augur finished his joke, so he spat out his beer and started laughing. Meanwhile, everyone else sighed, or shook their heads, or made funny faces that indicated the joke hadn't landed as well the others had.
"Nuts and- heh. That's pretty- that's actually pretty funny, I like that," K wiped his eyes. "Anna would love that one," he said quietly to himself.
Augur reached over and clapped him on the shoulder. "Appreciate it, brother. At least someone here has a good of humor. Not like any of y'all," he pointed to the other crew members.
"Hmm, well, that's enough with the jokes," Rapunzel said as she and Takahashi carried over a tray laden with their food. "Dinner's up."
They set down plates and bowls filled with steaming, savory, synth-meat, pico de gallo, guacamole, shredded cheese, rice, refried beans, corn tortillas, as well as a myriad of other toppings. A bottle of expensive tequila was also opened up and shot glasses were filled for everyone, with the exception of Takahashi since he didn't eat or drink.
"Buen provecho," Takahashi said in Spanish, which meant enjoy your meal.
"Gracias!" everyone else said, holding up their shot glasses.
"To Tak, for being the best goddamn multilingual chef in the goddamn galaxy," Mouse said.
"And to Lizzie and Sinclair, and to everyone else who should be with us now, but aren't," Rapunzel added. "They were the best of us and they were better than humans."
"Amen," Flynn said. "Who would have ever thought a ragtag bunch of criminals like us would ever do something good for a change?"
With that, they downed their tequila shots in commemoration of their fallen friends, then started tucking into their meal.
"Mmm, so good," Mouse said through a mouthful.
"Remind you of home?" Augur asked.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Mexican food. Ain't you Mexican?"
"You know I'm Colombian, you racist sack of shit," Mouse started punching him on the arm. "Culicagado."
Augur laughed and flinched away from her assault. "Hey, hey, come on. You know I'm joking."
Mouse relented and returned to her meal. "But speaking of home," she took a bite of her taco. "What I wouldn't for a plate of my abeulita's bandeja paisa. Fuck you, Augie bear, now you're makin' me miss my family, getting' me all sentimental and shit."
"Where are your people?" K asked, spooning some guacamole onto his taco. "Still in LA?"
"Yup," Mouse replied. "My ma's still doing her thing, trauma center nurse. I was almost through my mechanical engineering degree when my pops got sick with carbon fever. Came back home to help out with the shop and I guess it stuck, because here I am, fixing up this asshole's ship," she pointed at Flynn.
"Hey," Flynn looked up from his food, slightly offended.
"Remind me again how you got roped into this whole thing?" K asked.
"Haven't we been through this conversation before?" Mouse chuckled. "It's just useless filler and exposition by this point, isn't it?"
"We're in space, passing the time until we become relevant to the plot again," Rapunzel said. "Everything we're doing is filler. Might as well roll with it."
Mouse shrugged. "Huh, guess you're right," she said. "Anyway, I've always been good around machines. Pops was a mechanic and he taught me everything he knew. When I was back home, one day, this shitty, beat-up, held-together-by-duct-tape, cargo freighter rolled into the shop. Out steps this douchebag with a goatee, asks me, can you fix up my ship? Promised me good credits if I stuck with him. The rest is history."
"Hey," Flynn glared at her. "This shitty, beat-up, held-together-by-duct-tape, cargo freighter has a name."
"Fixed up lots of stuff," Mouse continued, ignoring him. "Andys too. My pops had andys working for him and they were always good people to me. So, here I am, returning the favor. But I know what you're thinking," she pointed at K. "Short. Latina. Tattoos. Loud. Swears a lot. Quick temper. Good at fixing things. Probably, maybe definitely bisexual. Well, let me tell you, that's just nothing but a stupid fuckin' stereotype. Because guess what motherfuckers? I work my ass off to keep this bucket of bolts together, and sometimes I get angry. So, suck a dick!"
"Mouse, the hell are you trying to say?" Augur asked.
"I'm saying we're all stereotypes!" Mouse said. "Me, you, Tak, we're the token minorities. I'm just an unrealistic and fetishized caricature dreamt up by some basement-dwelling fuckin' loser who probably spends their time writing shitty fanfiction that nobody gives a rat's fuckin' ass about," she pointed across the table. "Look at Flynn. Handsome, suave, and he's a dumbass."
"Hey, come on, I'm sitting right here," Flynn shrugged in offence.
"Punzie, she's got the looks to be a softie, but she's actually a hardcore badass," Mouse continued.
"Aww," Rapunzel smiled. "Mousie, that is so sweet of you."
"And then there's K," Mouse pointed at him. "Good guy. Means well. Always a side character. Doesn't get enough recognition."
How is she so spot on about everything? K asked himself.
"But now you, big boy," Mouse tapped Augur on his arm. "Meathead with a tough guy exterior but is actually really nice on the inside. I've got you dialed in."
"Girl, you know me so well," Augur laughed, rubbing his hands together. "Yeah, my family came over from Haiti before the last earthquake hit it bad since we had some connections. Shit, can't even find it on the map no more. After that, got off-world, went to Port Armstrong, stayed there since. Missed all the drama when the nukes started flying, back before the collapse. We got lucky."
"2095, that's when we met, right?" Flynn asked. "We shared a jail cell. I was in on some gambling stuff, but they had you on some bogus charges or something?"
"Yeah," Augur said. "Wrong place, wrong time. Some corpo got zeroed and I happened to be nearby, so the cops pinned it on me. Probably because of my skin color. Guess my luck ran out. I fell in with this crew and we've been running gigs ever since. Andys always treated me right, and that's the thing with andys. They're programmed to treat everyone equally. What about you, blondie?" he turned to Rapunzel. "Hit us with your backstory now."
Rapunzel shrugged and smiled. "Not much to say. I was born on the west side of the Berlin wall and my parents were always trying to do the right thing. They helped refugees from the east escape into the west, until one day, they got caught on the wrong side of the wall and they were hung in a public square," her voice became quiet and her smile vanished. "I was eight when that happened."
Flynn reached over and squeezed her hand.
"After that, I was adopted into a foster home by some crazy old bat," Rapunzel continued. "When I turned eighteen, I left home and did my mandatory service in the Bundeswehr, uh, army that is. I was a sharpshooter. Saw enough action to last me a lifetime during the expansion wars. Fought in the Baltic Blitz where a lot of good people died for nothing because it all ended in a stalemate. After that I got out, I came to Canada and since then, I've been looking for the right cause to fight for. I met Flynn in... where was it again?"
"Montreal," Flynn replied. "Impossible to forget, because I tried to-"
"He tried to rob me and I hit him over the head with a frying pan," Rapunzel smiled and laughed fondly at that memory. "Been together ever since," she reached over and tweaked Flynn's cheek.
Flynn sucked in air through his teeth as he rubbed the back of his head where he had been struck all that time ago. "Yeah, good times," he chuckled. "My turn now, is it? Well, I'm a nomad. My tribe, we originally came out of Missouri, but they've been on the road nonstop when the collapse hit. Traveling from place to place, scavenging what we could out of the deserts and the badlands, never really put down roots for long. I've been around cars and trucks and ships my whole life. Won the Maximus in a bet, and since then, I've kept moving. As to why I'm doing this, well, because I'm nice. And some cheddar cheese for our efforts doesn't hurt."
"Which isn't the point," Rapunzel added.
"Which isn't the point," Flynn agreed. "But you get my meaning. Anyway. Tak?" he looked over to the kitchen.
"My story is not as exciting, I am afraid," Takahashi said. "I worked in a foreign embassy in Chicago, on behalf of the Ronin company. When the city was destroyed in the revolutionary uprising, they shut down operations and left me behind in a landfill. That was when I was found by you all, and since then, I have turned my passions towards cooking."
"Yeah, that's us," Mouse leaned on her elbow and rested her chin on her palm, burping loudly. "Just one big ol' weird, dysfunctional family."
"And I'm so happy we found each other," Rapunzel smiled sweetly as she looked around at everyone. "Now you, K. Let's hear your origin story."
K leaned back in his chair, interlacing his fingers behind his head. "Same old story as a lot of others in New York. Orphaned street kid with crazy dreams of making it big and becoming filthy rich," he sighed. "Got older, settled for comfortable. I was an EMT for a bit until I started my practice and got the Memory Palace up and running. Been fixing up people for as long as I can remember and I wanted to try and fix up minds as well. Just trying to do as much good as I can, you know. There's enough bad karma in the world."
"Sing it, brother," Mouse raised her beer.
"Another toast," Flynn got up and started pouring a new round of tequila shots. "To spreading good karma and to doing as much good as we can. Enjoy these moments of peace while they still last, because when we get to Arcadia, I've got a feeling our work is gonna be cut out for us."
And they all drank to that, clinking their glasses together and drinking as a family.