Disclaimer: I own nothing; I live in a van down by the river! If anyone gets that reference, you win two paper clips and an IOU.

Edited: 06/19/21

I am Nyarlathotep, AKA The Dark Pharaoh, AKA The Crawling Chaos, AKA The God of the Bloody Tongue, AKA Mr. Tiddles. And I am bored; there has been no correspondence from my human form's associates all aestas. The Heir of Yig has them frightened, like rabbits and the hunting fox, a fox with a mangled soul. If you're going to create a phylactery, the least you could do is make it properly. Don't make a Horcrux; Yig produced a cheapskate! I laughed rather loudly, imagining the look on Yig's face if he ever found this out; the fat one shouted something derogatory at me from the floor below.

Feeling mischievous, I yelled something equally horrid back at the mentally deficient human. Smirking as loud footsteps echoed through the hallway, I quickly shifted into one of my more horrifying avatars. The door was wrenched open, and a giant body topped with a puce face appeared. Words died on the moron's lips as its face paled rapidly; the fat human let out a somewhat strangled scream followed by it waddling down the hall as fast as its underused legs can. Seeming to forget about the stairs ahead, I watch as the fat lump of cellulite tumble pudgy face-first down the flight of stairs, coming to rest, unconscious at the bottom of an oddly undamaged staircase.

"Well, now that that bit of business is out of the way, I'm going for a walk," I tell the horrified thin one.

I calmly stroll out the door and down the street, paying no mind to my 'hidden' guard under an invisibility cloak nearby. It's a wonder how this band of imbeciles managed to go toe to toe with Tommy boy's minions in the last war. I walk for around ten minutes before finally reaching my destination, a park. I idly sat on a swing set, enjoying the scenery, grassy fields, and anything nature-related was always more my niece Shub's thing, but I believe anyone can learn to admir- Shit! The Cults! I've spent so much time screwing with these wizards that I've forgotten the FUCKING Cults! I'm never gonna hear the end of this. N'yog is never going to let me live this blunder down. Father's gonna flip when he hears about this, oh who am I kidding? He probably already knows about this. I had started pacing at this point in my train of thought.

"What's got you so worked up, Potter?" an unwelcome voice asked.

"Oh fuck off, Dudley, why don't you go try and annoy someone who actually gives a damn." I snapped at the idiot and his equally idiotic gang.

"Is it Cedric? Who is he your boyfriend?" the stupid one plowed on as if I had never snapped at him. Who? Oh he was the poor sap Yig's Heir killed.

"Why do you four hang out with this idiot?" I asked. "This is like the fourth time this week you five have tried getting a rise out of me. With the same line of bullshit might I add." I asked.

When I saw they weren't listening, instead standing there laughing like imbeciles, I quickly shifted into my ten-foot-tall Dark Pharaoh avatar, which made all five freeze in place like a tongue upon a metal pole.

"Ciao Dudley's hanger-on, cuz, and I need to have a little chat in that dark alley over there," I said while dragging a struggling Dudley into the darkness.

*Five Minutes Later*

A non-struggling Dudley and I, now in my Tick Tock Man avatar, stroll out of the Alley of Doom™ and make our way to No. 4 Privet Drive.

*Ten Minutes Later*

An obviously distraught Petunia answers the door; her eyes widen when she sees the state of the stupid one. "Mr. and Mrs. Dursley? I'm here with the" I look at the made-up name I wrote on my palm. "Little Whinging Psychiatric Institute, I'm afraid your son has gone insane for reasons I won't give you." I stated as I pushed their 'Little' dudders through the doorway. "Well, that concludes my business here. Bye!" I said, slowly fading away.

/ / / / / / / /

I reappear in front of a line of houses. "Oh, how terrifying, a Fidelius Charm," I said and walked through the wards as if they were but smoke.

As I stepped through the threshold and into the ancient house, I was instantly struck by the odor of mold and dust. I could feel the magic in the air; centuries upon centuries of spellcasters inhabiting this structure had caused magic to seep into the wood and metal holding the ancient mansion together. I could hear the sounds of a meeting in the next room over; they didn't notice me, good. Peering into one of the many large sacks that littered the drawing-room, I could practically taste the dark magicks emanating from the items in there; it seems they were throwing them away.

"No, no, that won't do at all," I muttered and snapped my fingers, causing every object that had any amount of dark magick in it to be sent to my fortress.

I walked up the stairs; I had to fetch my old friend. Hedwig was not an owl; she was an old Shan, gifted to me by my father as a sort of birthday present. By this time, I had shifted back into my Dark Pharaoh avatar, reaching a landing, the curtains over a large painting snapped open. Whatever the painting was going to say died on its lips as it saw me in all my horrifying glory. Its pupils shrunk in fear, and already pale skin became almost corpse-like.

Fun Fact; Wizard paintings can do something which experts have dubbed 'Magic Radar,' meaning anything with a gigantic magical signature like the Outer Gods and Great Old Ones come up as rather large blips on a portrait's magic radar.

After reaching the top floor, I started seeking out my familiar's signature. Aha! There you are in a room with..five...other….signatures….. "Shit, I'm gonna have to reveal myself to those five, aren't I? Crap..." I muttered to myself. "Welp, best have some fun with it."

Opening the creaking door slowly, I conjured fog to roll through the door and spread just above the floor. My arms crossed over my chest; I floated in just above the mist covering the floor. I said absolutely nothing as I floated ever closer; the occupants seemed to be in a state of shock. Without warning, I swooped down close to Ron and plucked my familiar and her cage from behind his head. Then I slowly floated back through the doorway, closed it, then faded out of existence.

To Be Continued in the following Action Chapter of Harry Potter and the Bored Outer God!