My eyes trail the ceiling as my head fills with the thoughts of Sarah and what we shared on that beach not so long ago. The way my fingers felt through her hair as I held her close, the way her lips tasted and how I thought I would have never been able to kiss her again. As my mind is consumed by Sarah I can't help but be reminded how much has changed.
The smell of the ocean fills my nose as my lips stay pressed against hers, all my senses are heightened as I find myself so fixated on this moment. My hands wrap around locks of her hair as I pull her closer to me, I move my other hand and wrap it around her waist. Her lips move against mine like that have done hundreds of times, but this time is much different than before. The weight of my world is depending on this kiss, our marriage is depending on this kiss. Seconds begin to feel like hours as I do everything I can to just focus on Sarah, I can feel her breathing begin to slow and her heart beat quickens. We both need to come up for air at some point but I can't find myself able to pull away from her, I will do anything to be able to keep this moment from ending. I am terrified about what she will say to me when this kiss ends. I was so delighted and surprised to hear her ask me to kiss her, all week I had just thought that Morgan was doing anything he could to make me feel better, even bringing up impossible things like a magic kiss to bring my Sarah back to me. Bring Sarah back to herself. All those years of memories and a life lived was not only taken away from me but from her, but for her not to remember anything at all and still be here with me and ask me to kiss her means that part of her is still in there and she wants to come back. I can no longer find my own breath and know that the moment has come, I hate to be the one to break the kiss but I am also happy she is not the one to pull away first. I lean my forehead against hers and I watch as her eyes open and a smile spreads across her face, I feel my heart swell with hope that it has worked. "Chuck" she breathes out as I caress her cheek.
"How do you feel baby?" I hold my breath as I wait for a response from her, I can already feel myself hanging onto her every word before she has even opened her mouth.
"I feel like that was a pretty amazing kiss" She smiles again but I am still waiting to hear if this helped at all. "But I don't feel like any memories came back from the kiss" I feel my heart drop when she says that, there is nothing keeping her here with me now.
"I'm sorry Sarah" That's all I can muster, I drop my hand from her face where it once laid and turn away. I put my hands over my face and let myself fall into my lap and let the tears fall. I feel defeated and all out of hope that I was so desperately holding onto. I feel Sarah wrap her arms around me and look up at her beautiful face.
"But I am not ready to give up on this. After hearing our story and watching the video diaries I made I know there was something here and I am not ready to leave the life I built here. All my life I wanted this security and stability and now that we are out of the spy world there is nothing that is keeping me from having that again, at least trying to" I know everything she is saying is truly how she feels and that bit of hope makes its way back into my heart.
"Sarah, you don't even know how much this means to me" I feel the biggest smile spread across my face and I feel her wipe away the tears that lay on my cheeks.
"There is just one more thing I need you to do for me Chuck"
"Anything for you Sarah" I eagerly await what she is going to ask me for now.
"Kiss me again" I let out a little laugh and break the separation between us once more with a kiss.
My hand moves to the other side of the bed and my fingers are greeted with the cold of what was once Sarah's side of the bed. I flip from my back and onto my side, the clock reads 11, things have changed a lot for me, I used to be up early every day for my cover job at the Buy More or some spy mission but with all that left behind the days seem to bleed into one. Since everything that happened with Sarah I don't know where everything stands with our company and the plan to do cyber security, that has been the last thing on my mind and it leaves me with no job to wake up every morning for. I just find myself sleeping in and also hiding from my wife in the house we still share, after that day on the beach Sarah decided that she would move into our second bedroom to work on our marriage. It feels so weird having her so near but still be so far away from me, the woman I fell in love with barley even recognizes me, we just have to find a way to bring her back. My stomach rumbles and it signals me that it is time to make my way out of the security of the bedroom and venture out into the rest of the apartment. As soon as I open the door I peer my head out and look down the hall in the direction of the spare bedroom, the door is still closed and I feel the ache in my heart knowing she is right behind the door. I turn my head away and make my way to the kitchen in search of some breakfast and distance myself from those thoughts. I look out into the living room and find Sarah sitting on the couch with a cup in her hand watching tv with the volume down low. Her light blonde waves are pulled up and just the look of her makes me mesmerized by her beauty that I could just get lost in. I realize I have probably been starring way too long and realize I will creep her out if she caught me just starring at her. I try and move as quietly as I can as I grab a cup from the cabinet, I focus so much on not making a sound I don't seem to focus on anything else and find myself trip over my own feet. The sound he coffee cup will make as it shatters to the ground echoes in my mind and I know this will freak her out more than anything, I am trying to get her to trust me and it will be all be ruined by me scaring her. I feel the all too familiar flash in my head and with ease the intersect lunges me forward to keep the cup from crashing to the floor, but what it doesn't save is from me crashing to the floor. When I look up I find Sarah's concerned face looking down at me and that damn cup is still held tightly in my hand.
"Chuck, are you okay?" I can hear the familiarity in her voice of the concern to make sure I am okay, something I heard a lot of the past five years.
"Yeah, I'm doing okay. I forgot how powerful the intersect can be and how it is the complete opposite of my Chuck clumsiness" I get myself up from the ground as I talk and realize what I had said, the intersect is still a sore subject for both of us. From what it did to her head and what it meant to put it back in mine.
"I hope I didn't wake you up, I might not know much about you yet but being a late sleeper is something I picked up on already" She gives me a warm smile as she talks and it lights up the whole room.
"I actually don't sleep in that much, you caught me in unemployment mode. I am the one who should be apologizing for disturbing your relaxing. I didn't even know you were awake" It wasn't just the unemployment that made me sleep in, the depression from losing Sarah added to that. Of course she didn't remember depressed Chuck, the guy who stays in bed all day and when he's not in bed he is lounging around the floor in my boxers and a guitar hero guitar hanging around my chest. That moment was so embarrassing that I am almost grateful she doesn't remember seeing me like that, but that memory also holds a very special place in my heart because Sarah walked through the door and told me she loved me for the very first time.
"I woke up pretty early this morning, I wasn't feeling very well and couldn't get back to sleep. I made myself some tea and made sure to keep the tv low" She sets her mug down on the counter next to my empty one as she talks.
"Sorry you aren't feeling well, maybe getting some food in you might make you feel a bit better. I'll make you some toast, something light on your stomach" I grab the loaf of bread from the pantry and open up the bag, I pop two pieces of bread into the toaster and move down the counter to start a pot of coffee. Sarah leans up against the counter and picks up the twist tie that keeps together the bread, she studies it in her hand for a second and then looks back up at me and continues on with the conversation.
"Have you heard from Ellie? See how they are settling in at their new place in Chicago" When she mentions my sister I can't help but feel a bit of sadness. I am so happy that Ellie and Awesome are working at their dream job and I would never want to take that away from them but I also miss having my sister around. When I hear Sarah bring up Ellie I also mourn the close relationship they lost.
"I have talked to her a little bit, I know once she gets more settled at the new hospital she will have all the best resources to look into your memory loss she will reach out to us" I know that is what Sarah really wanted to know but was just too polite to ask.
"Do you really think she will be able to figure it out?" When Sarah talks her eyes are looking back down at the twist tie and I find myself fixated on it as well. I watch as she takes the twist tie and wraps it around her left ring finger where her wedding ring once sat and I feel my breath catch in my throat. I watched her do this same thing once before in this very kitchen, the morning we did our practice wedding to ease some of her nerves. I remember the smile on her face and the way the sun shined down on upon her hair and made a golden halo around her head. I remember the way she tied a twist tie around my ring finger instead of her own.
"Baby, what are you doing?" My question brings her out of the trance and she stops looking down at her finger and looks back up at me to answer.
"Oh, I don't really know" She responds and I can hear the toast pop up from the toaster but I tune that out and feel the excitement rising in my chest.
"Yes you do Sarah, you have done that before" I move closer to her and take her hand in mine. "Baby we practiced our wedding in the kitchen and we used twist ties as the rings" I squeeze her hand and give her the biggest smile, a memory has already come back to her and her living with me again really has been a good thing for her. Suddenly Sarah pulls her hand away, not in a mean way but I can tell she feels a bit overwhelmed all of a sudden.
"I- I'm sorry" She stutters and I suddenly feel the absolute worst, I have clearly made her uncomfortable. I turn away and walk over to the toaster and feel the hard toast, left untouched for too long and no longer warm. I grab the two pieces and toss them into the trash, I pull out two new pieces of the soft bread and put them into the toaster. I can't find myself to look at her so I just focus on my own reflection in the shinning surface. I just stare blankly ahead until I feel Sarah's arms wrap around my middle and her warm body presses against mine in a tight embrace. I just let her stay like that as we stay silent until finally the silence is broken by the toast popping up and this time I don't waste any time.
"Let me butter the toast for you baby" Even as I say it I dread the feeling of her letting go of me. She lets go and takes a step back and she walks out of the kitchen and takes a seat down at the table. I open the fridge and pull out the butter and open the drawer to grab a knife and then grab a plate out of the cabinet. I take small scoops and spread it across the toast, the small scrape is a quiet sound but it echoes across the whole atmosphere. I bring her the plate and set it down in front of her, I turn to walk away but I feel Sarah grab my arm and it stops me in my tracks.
"Will you please sit with me?" Her voice is so soft and delicate and she asks such a simple question, one she knows I will always oblige. Without saying anything I lean over and kiss the top of her head and then take the empty seat next to her. She takes small bites of the toast and I rub small circles on her hand that lays on the table. I yet again feel so close to my wife and yet still so far away. Once second I feel like there is so much hope and we are taking steps forward, and then I overwhelm her and we take steps backwards.
"I'm sorry Sarah" I look down at her hand I am rubbing and realize it is her left, where her wedding ring once laid, and where today her makeshift twist tie sat, is now just empty. The only thing signifying that it was once there at all is the faint tan line that will eventually fade away without her wearing the ring again.
"You don't have to be sorry, I am the one who is sorry this is happening. I just wish I could see you the way you see me" Her statement takes me aback, how could she not know things should be the other way around. I want more than anything for her to see herself the way I see her. I watched her grow and change so much over the past five years and I can't help but only see her as the new Sarah, the person who managed to fall in love with a giant nerd like me.
"And I wish you could see you the way I see you" I can't keep that thought to myself, part of us working on our marriage is us being honest with each other. I caress her face to bring a smile to her face, she looks so sad and it is breaking my heart. Sarah five years ago may have been a badass super spy who could take on anything and everything except her emotions. She was completely shut off from that part of herself and yet all I have seen from her these past few days is her raw emotions. Maybe it is because I have become an expert in the body language of Sarah Walker but what I know for sure is this vulnerable side of her was not even an option five years ago and to see her this way gives me hope.
"I would love for you to show me some time, but right now I still am not feeling too good so I think I am going to go lay down for a little bit if that's okay?" It kills me she asks it like it's a question, this is her home and yet she still feels like she is a guest. It also makes me sad to think she isn't feeling good and all she wants to do is go lay down herself. Anytime she is sick I will rub her back and snuggle up in bed, the feeling of me laying with her is always enough to relax her so she can fall asleep, and knowing she doesn't need me for that hurts my heart.
"Of course, it's your house too. I'll check on you later if that is okay with you?" I try and avoid the spare bedroom that has now became Sarah's domain but I of course would face my own fears about her moving on without me to check on my sick wife. I would do anything for her no matter what.
"Of course. Thank you for the toast" She gives me a small smile and then stands up from the table with plate in hand. After stopping by the sink to drop off the plate I watch her walk down the hall and hear the sound of the door closing, leaving me alone with my thoughts yet again.
Hi everyone! This will be my first story I am publishing on here in like 4 years, it has crazy I have let so much time pass but my life went in a different direction than I ever thought was possible. I am now at a point where I have the time and courage to rediscover something I have loved so much for so long, so please let me know what you think. I have loved the show Chuck since I was 13 years old and finally re-watched the series with my fiance who had never seen it before and made me re-inspired to write about two characters that have one of the greatest love stories of all time, in my personal opinion. I hope to update very soon so again please let me know what you think so far-Izzy