Those Who Are Lost
Chapter 24
The Fated Choice
Hello there my fellow fanfictioners!
It has been a while hasn't it? (I think I'll say this even when I do post more regular updates. Just feels natural at this point, doesn't it? 😉)
Disclaimer: I do not in any way claim ownership of Naruto, Naruto Shippuden (the sacred series) and Boruto: Naruto Next Generations (of which the old guard mostly do not speak). These are the properties of the Sage of the Six Paths, Masashi Kishimoto, long may he reign.
Advice: If you like to listen to music, then I highly recommend that you listen to Naruto Shippuden OST: A Friend's Reminiscence (also known as Obito's Death Theme from Boy's Life on the Battlefield) on repeat. I found it the perfect music to write this to.
Warning: I've decided to tackle an interesting moral quandary in this chapter so I will be diving into some pretty deep stuff here. Just a heads-up. Some may agree or disagree and that's fine. Let me know what you think the right choice should've been.
Please, if you enjoy the story then let me know. I appreciate each and every review.
Which reminds me. Special shout out to Cat Beats and moonwitxh for their lovely reviews of my previous chapter. Meant a lot to me.
Now then, enough of my senseless prattling and let's get on to the story.
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"Wake up."
Batou!
Himawari awoke with a gasp, eye wide with alarm. Sitting upright, the young Hyuuga looked around wildly for the Note of Oto she had been struggling against.
What happened?
Her captor was nowhere to be seen but what concerned her more were her surroundings. Or rather the lack of them.
Where… where am I?
Nothingness.
Every which way she turned her head all Himawari could perceive was darkness. She could see herself, her limbs and appendages as if she were standing in bright daylight but everything else was as black as the void. Even the ground beneath her was nought but an ebony expanse. She could feel the resistance of a surface beneath her palm but it didn't feel as if there were anything there either. A strange mixture of air and earth.
The young girl scrabbled backwards, beginning to hyperventilate. It took a few seconds for her mind to process what was happening before her survival instinct kicked in.
Just calm down, just calm down.
Repeating those three words to herself, Himawari got to her feet. Frowning, the young girl began checking herself over for injuries.
Strange.
Her scars were still there, permanently marring her otherwise flawless skin but other things weren't. The remnants of her chains still hung on her wrists but the marks they'd left on her from when she had been strung up were gone, the angry red welts nowhere to be found. She couldn't even feel the weight of the manacles and when she flicked her wrists, the manacles simply slipped off and fell into the blackness beneath her feet.
The young Hyuuga stood there, frozen for a moment as her brain tried to decipher what had just happened. A moment later, her brain informed her that it was probably better if she didn't think about it too hard.
Curiously, Himawari rolled her head and stretched her limbs.
All my aches and pains are gone too. I feel… fine.
In fact, she felt not only fine but strangely refreshed. As if the events of the past hadn't happened to her but to someone else. Like it had all been a dream.
Taking in the complete blackness surrounding her, Himawari looked for something, anything that might help her discern her location.
"Hello?" Himawari called after a minute or so of looking around.
Only silence and darkness greeted her call.
The young girl shivered and rubbed her arms, feeling cold all of a sudden.
"What is this place?" She whispered to herself.
She wasn't sure how long she stood there, alone in the dark before taking her first step but once she did, she found she couldn't stop. Her legs began to move almost mechanically, almost independently from her body.
I don't even know where I am going.
Himawari shivered again, feeling cold though there was no wind. The temperature of this place was actually quite mild but the cold she felt… It was like ice in her chest, spreading outwards through her body in slow, lazy pulses that made her feel as though her very veins were filled with ice.
Sasuke's old uniform hung loosely about her thin form, and she had to constantly tug at the collar to keep the shirt from sliding over her shoulders.
Why is it so cold?
She shivered once more, rubbing her chest to try and stay warm.
It seemed like hours had gone by, walking in the dark place. Her footsteps created a faint, ringing echo every time the soles of her sandals hit the strange not-surface of the ground. Himawari kept her head down and kept rubbing her arms and chest, trying to keep the unnatural cold at bay. Every now and then she would raise her head high and call out, hoping that there would be someone, anyone who would hear her.
Help her.
"Hello!" This time it came out as a scream and Himawari felt wetness on her cheeks. Rubbing away tears of frustration to no avail, Himawari dropped to her haunches and let the sobs come.
I don't know where I am! Am I dead?
Was this what death felt like? No afterlife, no place of peace and happiness, no hellfire awaiting the wicked. Just the cold, lonely dark?
I'm all alone.
"Himawari." A soft, warm female voice whispered behind her. A voice that Himawari was sure she had never heard before but was somehow still familiar, piercing its way to the very forefront of her mind where she couldn't even be sure that her name had been said aloud. With a surge of alarm, the young girl shot to her feet and spun around, arms raised defensively.
"W-who's there?" Himawari called out, fists clenched so tightly it turned her knuckles white.
"This way Himawari." Another voice whispered from somewhere in the darkness to her right. A man's voice this time, also warm but with a hint of impatience to it. Hearing it caused a fresh wave of unexplainable tears to escape and Himawari wiped her eyes clean with the back of her hand.
She remained rooted in place, her gaze fixed upon the spot in the darkness where the man's voice had emanated from.
"This way Himawari." The woman's voice again, coming from the same direction as the man's voice. Himawari remained frozen in place, her mind racing a mile a minute.
What should I do? The thought was rhetorical. She didn't have much of a choice, did she? Remain alone in this limbo for possibly all eternity or take a chance and follow the voices?
It was no choice at all.
She wasn't sure how long she walked for, the only sounds being the echo of her footfalls and the whispering voices guiding her through the dark.
Every now and then, the direction from which the voices came would shift slightly and Himawari would change course to follow as it happened.
As time went by the young girl found herself entering a dazed state, focusing on her feet and putting one foot in front of the other. To look ahead would be to stare into the void and whenever she did that the coldness inside of her would intensify. Staring at her feet was a strange but helpful balm to keep the cold to a minimum.
Minutes, hours or days could've passed. The passage of time in this place was impossible to keep track of. She didn't feel tired no matter how many steps she took and every time she tried to count the time; the numbers seemed to fall out of her head.
The only thing she had to keep note of any change was when the man's voice faded entirely. Only the woman's voice called out to her now.
"Look up." The woman's voice whispered to her gently. Every time she spoke the cold inside of Himawari receded a little and Himawari found her head raising instinctively at the command.
Her eye widened in shock at what she saw.
Before her stood a house.
A large two-storey building, circular in design with a square wing off to the side. The house was painted with white walls and a slanted red tiled roof on top. Himawari blinked in disbelief and in that time more details resolved themselves.
Suddenly there was a lawn of green grass surrounding the property, a stone pathway now beneath her feet that stretched all the way to the front door and a small, streaming fountain just to the left of the pathway by the steps leading up to the entrance.
The front door was closed and there appeared to be some writing on it but at this distance she couldn't make it out.
Her eye roving over the house, drinking in every last detail that it could absorb, Himawari felt a tiny knot of something grow inside her chest. Portions of the house kept blurring into and out of focus as she took her first step down the pathway.
Like a memory half-forgotten.
The tiny knot of something grew bigger.
Stopping at the fountain, Himawari took a moment to look down into the water. There were no fish inside the pond and the sound of the water rushing would've been soothing under normal circumstances.
But these weren't normal circumstances.
Looking into the water Himawari noticed two things of concern. Firstly, the reflection in the water was bright as if she had been staring into the liquid during the middle of the day. She could even see the sun in the water's surface despite there being nothing but darkness above her head. Secondly,what caught her attention was her own reflection.
She looked a mess. Haunted, thin from undernourishment and hard weeks on the run. Her hair, once long and flowing was now shorn off and jagged.
Courtesy of Batou.
Better her hair than her head she supposed.
But what stood out most was what was missing. Her eye patch had been lost somewhere, showing off the gaping pit of her eye socket and in place of her usual cerulean eye was the Byakugan.
Himawari's eye widened, the reflection mirroring her. She wasn't channelling chakra into her eye so the Byakugan shouldn't have been activated but there it was, the luminous orb of her reflection staring back at her, almost gently.
Himawari tried to channel her chakra, to turn it off and revert her eye back to its usual blue but nothing happened.
The eye remained in the form of the Byakugan even though she wasn't using the abilities of the kekkei genkei.
The young Hyuuga reached up and touched her cheek below the eye, covering the whisker like features as she did so. The reflection's Byakugan glowed gently. White tinged with lavender.
Is this what I've become?
"Child of the Nine-Tails, Daughter of the Moon." Batou's words growled at her, making the water in the fountain ripple. Looking around her in panic for the monstrous shinobi, Himawari's heart beat rapidly when she couldn't find her would be executioner. Clutching her head and gritting her teeth, Himawari swayed slightly on the spot.
"It's not real. None of this can be real!" She told herself, repeating the words like a mantra even as the omnipresent voice of Batou continued.
"The Doom of the Hyuuga, a prophecy given physical form."
She shook her head violently to try and shake the words from her mind. Batou's words seemed to bypass her attempts to deafen him as the air filled with the strange, alien words of the chant used in the ritual.
Then a different voice cut in, beaming directly into her mind and silencing Batou once and for all.
"Himawari." This time the voice was that of a young boy and Himawari's heart stopped for a moment upon hearing it. Turning back to the path in an almost trance-like state, Himawari continued.
Every step seemed harder than the last and made the knot inside her grow bigger and bigger, tighter and tighter. By the time she made it up the last step it felt as if someone had bound her heart in rope and was trying to strangle the life from the organ.
Himawari found herself sobbing without explanation as she rested a palm against the door. The cold inside her was completely gone now.
All that remained now was the knot.
Lifting her head, Himawari looked at the sign nailed to the front door. Through her tear-filled vision, she watched in wonderment as the blurred sign began to resolve itself in front of her, becoming clearer and clearer until she could make out the words.
UZUMAKI RESIDENCE
The knot came undone with a snap and Himawari realized what it was.
Fear.
Grief.
Anger.
"Welcome home, Himawari." Both the male and female voices said in unison.
It was too much.
The emotions were so overpowering that she collapsed, sinking to her knees. Head and hands pressed against the door, Himawari screamed.
It was a scream of pent-up emotion. Of forgotten memories and trauma. Of pain and joy only fleetingly remembered.
A scream of complete and utter loss.
Himawari sobbed and screamed until her throat was raw, her eye burned from the tears and her fists hurt from pounding against the unyielding wood of the door.
"No." She cried, beating her hands against the door once again.
Uzumaki
"No." She sobbed, rising to her feet slowly, shakily even as she hit the door once again.
Is that who I am?
"Until you make up your mind…" the ghost of Sasuke's voice whispered in her ear.
"No." Another blow against the door and this time the entrance shook slightly from the force of the blow.
"I'm going to give you a people to belong to." Ghost-Sasuke finished sombrely.
"NO!" Himawari screamed, Byakugan flashing as she slammed an open palm against the door. The door exploded beneath her palm into a shower of splinters that vanished into nothingness as they sailed through the air.
Himawari Uzumaki… or Himawari Kouda Uchiha?
"No." Himawari whispered brokenly, wiping the tears away even as she stepped over the threshold.
UZUMAKI RESIDENCE
Complete silence reigned inside the house, broken only by the sound of her heavy breathing. It was dark inside, as if it were evening, and it took her eye a moment to adjust. A narrow hallway greeted her with various doorways off to the side leading to other rooms. To her right was a staircase leading up to the second floor.
Taking several deep breaths to calm down, Himawari took another step inside. Nothing happened so she took one more tentative step forward.
She was tense, like a twig bent to the point of snapping or a bowstring pulled taut.
"H-Hello?" Himawari called out. Only the silence greeted her. So, she took another step.
No hidden surprises. No ghost voices calling out to her, or ominous prophecies being blasted into her mind and soul. It just seemed to be her and this empty house.
I guess I'll have a look around.
There was a side table against the wall to the left up ahead of her, right by the staircase so Himawari decided she would start there.
She didn't bother to take off her sandals as she stepped up and over the entrance area into the hallway proper. There was a light-switch on the wall. Himawari found herself pleasantly surprised when, flipping the switch, every light in the house turned on.
"Okay Himawari, one switch for the whole magical house in a world of darkness and ghost voices." Himawari murmured to herself. "Makes total sense."
Reaching the side-table, Himawari grabbed the nearest photo frame and turned it so she could see it.
It was a wedding photograph of some kind. It was strange too. She could clearly make out the bride and groom in their wedding kimonos, but their faces were blurred out just like the door had been. No matter how hard she tried to focus the faces remained hidden from her.
Frustrated, Himawari slammed the frame back down onto the tabletop and moved to the next photograph.
It was of a man and a child, a boy she guessed from the clothes, playing in a park together, but their features were blurred as well. She moved on to the next one.
The man and the woman cooking together.
The woman and the child at the entrance to some kindergarten.
Himawari's eye roved from one photo to the next until finally her now lilac eye rested on a photo different from the others.
A picture of her.
Or rather, a picture of her from before everything. Himawari drank in the image with a strange, morbid bewilderment.
Her younger self was lying in a large bed, asleep. The covers were pulled up to her chin and she looked so peaceful in her sleep. The woman was right next to her, her arms encircling young Himawari. On either side of the girls were the man and the other child from the photos. The woman and young Himawari just lay there while the boys raised two fingers at the camera in a 'V' position.
She didn't know why but she had a feeling that the two of them were pulling faces at the camera.
Himawari wasn't sure how long she stood there. She held the photo in her hands, tracing the image of her younger self and the others with her thumb.
Are these people… my family?
And then she felt it.
It was hard to describe. It felt like a tugging sensation in her fingertips. Like someone was pulling her gently to get her to follow them.
Placing the photo back onto the table top, Himawari followed the sensation as it led her back down the hallway towards the door before going off the side up the stairs.
Himawari moved like an automaton, her body on autopilot even as her mind raced. Her head ached dully with every minute she spent in this place, but she couldn't bring herself to leave.
It seemed to her that the next time she focused on her surroundings she was on the second-floor landing in front of a door marked with her own name in bright colourful letters.
Himawari stared at the name as if it belonged to a stranger. In a way she supposed that it did.
HIMA-CHAN'S ROOM!
Each letter had been sloppily painted on in a different colour and at the bottom there was a rather crude drawing of a chibi orange fox. The cute, if poorly drawn fox was reaching up to stick its tongue out and lick the bottom of the 'I' in her name.
The image made her lips twitch into a smile before she noticed that the fox had nine tails. Or rather it had nine squiggly orange lines behind it that she assumed were tails.
Child of the Nine Tails…
Shaking her head to stop the thought in its tracks, Himawari sucked in a deep breath and gripped the door handle before turning it and stepping through into her old room.
She wasn't sure what she was expecting to see. It seemed to be an ordinary room. It was rather small, a pink bed pushed up against the corner by the window with a host of small furry animal toys on it, a desk against the far wall with a chair, the backrest in the shape of a pink heart. There was a pink chest of drawers on the opposite side of the room to the bed and a poster of a panda on the wall. To her right, by the door, stood a full-length mirror.
All in all, it was… an ordinary girl's room. And there was nothing familiar about it.
Himawari let out a moue of disappointment. Walking around the room she trailed her fingers over the surface of the desk before sitting on the bed. Reaching over she grabbed one of the stuffed animals and held it out in front of her.
It was of a strange sand coloured tanuki with a rather large tail sticking out behind it.
It's… kinda cute.
She poked the tanuki stomach and it emitted a squeak before a rather deadpan voice called out from some soundbox inside the raccoon.
"Happy birthday Himawari-chan. Lots of love from your Uncle Gaara."
The voice was so serious when compared with the cuteness of the tanuki's velvet features that Himawari let out a small laugh.
"Uncle Gaara?" Himawari murmured to herself, a soft smile on her lips.
There were eight other stuffed animals on the bed, each with a different number of tails to them.
She handled each one with care and poked all their stomachs. Each one had a different birthday message on them from men and women she couldn't remember. All of them calling themselves aunts and uncles.
Uncle Shikamaru, Aunt Ino and so on.
When she poked the creature that looked like an ox with eight tails, Himawari shook with laughter as an upbeat voice began to sing some sort of rap version of the birthday song to her.
"From your Uncle Bee yo!" The ox finished before falling silent.
The only one she hadn't listened to, the orange fox with nine tails sat at the head of the bed, its black button eyes staring at her patiently, waiting for its turn. Steeling herself the young Hyuuga exchanged the eight tails for the nine and poked its belly.
For a moment there was nothing but the crackle of static before a muffled voice spoke.
"Hokage-sama… it's on." There was a muffled noise before another voice spoke.
"What? Oh… Happy birthday Hima-chan. Hope you have a good one, lots of love from Dad." The voice sounded irritated and distracted. Himawari bowed her head as she listened to it, but the recording wasn't done.
"We done? I've got more important things to do." The audio finished with a click.
Himawari played it again.
"We done? I've got more important things to do." The recording finished again. She remained perfectly still save for her finger which pressed the fox's stomach again and again as she listened to the man who was her father.
"We done? I've got more important things to do."
The voice.
It was the man's voice who had led her to this place. To this horrible house which made her cry and fall apart every five seconds. Even now, Himawari hated her own weakness that such words from a stranger were causing her this agony.
It felt like her heart was being torn in two.
"We done? I've got more important things to do."
More important things to do?
Himawari jabbed the stupid toy again and again, replaying the words from her father over and over.
"We done? I've got more important things to do."
More important than me?! More important than wishing me a happy birthday?!
She remembered then the dream she had had when she stayed with Kouda. Of being at a dining room table with a cake in front of her. Only the woman and the boy had been there. The man nowhere to be seen.
"We done? I've got more important things to do."
More important than being there for me. More important than protecting me.
The fox slipped from nerveless fingers and Himawari watched it hit the floor with a soft whump.
"We done? I've got more important things to do." She whispered, her heart broken and bleeding.
Taking a few minutes to collect herself, Himawari got to her feet. She clapped her hands to her cheeks and strode to the door.
I'm done with this place. I need to find a way out. Sasuke needs my help.
That was a good thought to have, Himawari decided. A goal to focus on was what she needed to get out of here. Sasuke was still out there somewhere, fighting to rescue her from the Notes of Oto and she needed to help him. She would not be a damsel in distress, waiting to be rescued. They were a team.
"You heard them Hime!" Her father's voice shouted from the hallway and Himawari froze, her hands grazing the door handle.
He sounded angry.
"They threatened her, threatened our family!" He continued. A soft-spoken voice answered in reply but Himawari couldn't make out the words.
"I don't care about their fears Hime! They threatened her in public!" The man who was her father was yelling at this point, completely drowning out whoever he was speaking with.
Who? What threats? Are they talking about me?
"I'll send her away then! Somewhere they won't be able to hurt her until this all blows over. I know that Bee said that he…" Her father's voice was cut off and faded into silence before another voice spoke up.
Only this one didn't echo into her mind like the others did. This one was more real, more… tangible. And it came from close behind her.
"You shouldn't be here."
That voice…
Himawari whirled around, hackles raised and ready to fight. Only there was no one there.
"You don't belong here." The voice reiterated from right next to her.
Slowly, heart in her throat, Himawari turned.
There, in the mirror beside the door, was herself. Her reflection stared straight back at her. Himawari stepped up to the mirror.
Her reflection looked exactly like the Himawari from the photographs but in a cream jacket and short orange skirt. Her hair was trimmed neatly, her skin unmarred by injuries and stared back at her with two perfect azure eyes.
Accusing eyes.
"What…" Himawari swallowed thickly, unsure if she was losing her mind. "What did you say?"
The reflection glared at her. "You don't belong here."
Himawari raised a hand to touch the mirror and her reflection copied her, their palms touching.
"You shouldn't be here." The reflection said, her young features morphing into one of absolute fury.
"I…" Himawari tried to speak but found the words wouldn't form.
"You shouldn't even exist!" The reflection snarled. "You're nothing but a filthy thief!"
Himawari shook her head, stepping back from the mirror in shock.
"No! I… I'm not a thief." She choked out. The reflection didn't like that and smashed a fist against the inside of the mirror, causing the whole thing to shake.
"Yes! You're a thief!" The reflection snarled. "You've stolen everything from me!"
Stolen everything from…
Himawari' s eye widened in horror as she realized what she was dealing with.
"You're… you're her, aren't you? The Himawari from before I lost my memories." Every word made her nauseous as she realized what she was looking at.
This place… this darkness, this house, and these voices… I'm inside my own mind!
"My memories!" The reflection yelled, reading her mind as she smashed her open palm against the mirror. Cracks started to form on the surface of the glass.
"My body! My family and friends! My life! You took it all from me and locked me up in here!" The other Himawari screamed, the cracks in the mirror spiderwebbing across its entire surface.
Himawari backpedalled to the door in panic and fear, shaking her head wildly.
"No! I didn't! I didn't do anything! I just woke up into this life, I didn't ask for any of it!" Himawari pleaded even as the mirror shattered and Himawari watched in horror as the younger Himawari stepped out of the mirror and glared at her.
"You took everything from me but I'm taking it back!"
Himawari did the only thing she could think to do.
She fled.
She ran blindly across the second-floor landing, ignoring the emotions and thoughts swirling around inside her. It was the only way she could think of surviving this.
"Thief! Life-stealer!" The other Himawari screamed at her from somewhere behind her even as she vaulted the banister of the stairs and raced down the steps to the main entrance.
"You can't run forever thief! I'm going to take my life back!" The other Himawari, the original Himawari, called out.
As Himawari vaulted down the last few steps she failed to notice that the front door had somehow rematerialized, and she crashed heavily into it.
"No! No, no, no, no, no!" Himawari sobbed, pulling at the handle to get it to open but the door refused to budge.
She kept trying, even slamming her chakra infused palms against the wood but this time the door remained untouched. Immune to her efforts.
Himawari kept trying even as she expected her twin to catch up to her at any moment. She kept waiting for the hand on her shoulder to forcibly turn her around or for a kunai to sink itself into her spine, but it didn't come.
It never came.
Ceasing her attack on the door, Himawari turned slowly to look back up the stairs.
Nothing. There was no one there.
Hearing the throbbing of her own heart, Himawari took a single step towards the stairs. The other Himawari wasn't there.
Then the air was suddenly filled with the sounds of humming and the smell of cooking food. Himawari's head snapped towards the sound. It was coming from the first door on the left down the hallway.
"H-hello?" Himawari called out, stuttering over the word as she said it. The humming stopped and the young Hyuuga tensed.
"It's okay. No one can hurt you while I'm here." A soft voice called out before the humming resumed. A familiar voice.
That voice… the woman who led me here.
Cautiously, she moved down the hallway and peeked into the adjoining room.
It was a kitchen.
A rather cozy looking kitchen with a dining table off to the side. Over by the sink stood a woman, her back to Himawari, washing vegetables in the sink. Over by the stove, a pot was bubbling away merrily, and the smell of cooking food made Himawari's mouth water.
Something about the scene seemed so achingly familiar and a warmth spread in her chest, setting her at ease.
"You can come in." The woman called out softly and looked back at Himawari with a soft smile on her lips.
Himawari's jaw dropped slightly as she took in the other woman's features. The long, inky hair, the smooth porcelain skin, and the same lilac eyes which Himawari now possessed.
She was beautiful, almost ethereal and Himawari could feel her heart going into overdrive.
I… I know her.
Unconsciously, she stepped into the kitchen, her eyes riveted to the other woman's face.
Don't I?
Without breaking eye contact, the woman turned off the tap and the stove and turned to face her.
"I've been waiting to meet you for a long time." The woman said with a soft smile.
"I…" Damn it! Why were words so difficult in this place?!
The woman moved forward and Himawari nearly jumped back at the movement. The only thing that kept her in place were the woman's eyes. So much like her Byakugan only the woman's were filled with warmth and something else.
Something Himawari couldn't identify but which kept her rooted in place.
"You're not real." Himawari managed to force the words out of her throat, even as the woman reached her. "None of this is."
The warmth and… other thing never left the woman's eyes as she reached out and pulled her into a hug. Himawari found that she couldn't resist.
The look in the woman's eyes had robbed her of all her willpower to fight.
What is that other thing in her eyes? Why can't I recognize it?
"I'm as real as you remember me to be." The woman said softly, finally breaking eye contact as she drew Himawari into her arms, resting her head on top of the young girl's.
"I don't even remember your name." Himawari argued, her voice thin with exhaustion. The woman simply smiled and waved the issue aside.
"That's alright Hima-chan."
"Why?" Himawari felt her throat catch on yet another wretched sob and felt more of those accursed tears welling up inside of her. She felt like a broken doll at this point, and this place just kept on breaking her into smaller and smaller pieces.
None of this was alright. This place is hell.
"They're not my memories. They're hers." Himawari choked out, wondering why her arms were coming up to hug the woman back.
The woman shifted slightly and pressed a kiss down on to her head.
"They're yours too." The woman murmured. It was taking all of Himawari's strength to not fall apart.
Then she asked the question she really wanted to. The one that had been stuck inside her heart since she laid eyes on the woman.
"Who are you?"
The woman pulled back slightly so she could look deep into Himawari's eye.
That other thing… I know that other thing.
The woman smiled down at her, releasing her from the hug only to cup Himawari's face in both hands.
I can't believe I'd forgotten it.
"You know who I am Himawari." The woman said simply, smiling warmly.
Love
"You're… you're my mom."
Himawari could feel her strength slipping away. Her legs folded and she sank to floor, holding on to her mother the whole time. The woman followed her down, kneeling beside her daughter and never letting go.
It began as a hiccup. Then that hiccup turned into a sob.
And then Himawari fell apart.
Her mother simply held her through it all, humming a melodious tune. Her arms encircled Himawari again, rubbing soothing circles into the girl's back.
Himawari didn't know how long she sat there on the ground, crying into her mother's kitchen apron. Her mother never complained though and simply kept soothing her with that hummed tune and with her arms around her.
Eventually the sobs faded away and they simply sat there in each other's arms. It felt like a lifeline. One which Himawari had no intention of releasing.
"You've gotten bigger." Her mother commented with a soft laugh once she finished her tune. Himawari kept her face buried in her mother's shoulder. "And so beautiful."
"I'm not beautiful." Himawari mumbled. Her mother laughed again.
"Of course you're beautiful." Her mother countered. Himawari didn't know how to respond to that, so she kept silent, basking in the other woman's warmth.
For the first time in a long time, she felt safe.
"I… I don't understand what's happening." Himawari whispered after another few minutes of silence passed.
Her mother let out a small sigh before rising to her feet, pulling Himawari with her. Unwilling to let go, Himawari let the woman guide her over to the dining table. Her mother set her down before seating herself opposite her and holding onto her hand.
"That's okay Himawari." Her mother's eyes were shining with tears. "That's why I'm here now. To help you understand."
Himawari nodded shakily, wiping away her tears.
"What is all this? This place?" She asked first, waving her free hand around the room as an indicator.
Her mother smiled at her and squeezed her hand.
"It doesn't really have a name Hima-chan. It's… your memories as a physical place would be the best way to put it."
My memories as a physical place?
"So, this isn't real? It's like an… illusion?" Her mother nodded at the question.
"You could see it like that."
Himawari swallowed.
"And this place is filled with that darkness because…" Himawari tried to finish the question but found that she couldn't.
"You lost your memories." Her mom supplied. "Only a few pieces remained, scattered and fragmented. Like this house."
"Like you." Himawari pressed, hearing the catch in her voice even as her mother nodded in reply.
How could I forget my mom?
"It wasn't your fault." Her mother said, as if she had read Himawari's thoughts. "None of this was your fault."
Himawari swallowed thickly.
"Why am I here?" She asked, dreading the answer.
"To remember." Her mother replied.
Himawari could feel the fear rising in her again.
"The other Himawari… the old me. You mean she wants to remember."
Her mother smiled sadly at her but nodded her head in the affirmative.
Himawari felt a flicker of anger at that and tried to pull away, but her mother wouldn't let go.
"So what? I was brought here just to die?! I'm just supposed to let the other Himawari kill me and reclaim her life?" With every sentence, Himawari could feel the hysteria rising in her and her attempts to free herself renewed with panicked vigour.
"No." Her mother said simply.
No?
The response was so unexpected that Himawari froze. The hysteria died instantly, and she no longer tried to free herself from her mother's grip.
"I don't understand." Himawari replied dumbly.
Her mother's eyes were shining with unshed tears, and she gripped Himawari's hand tightly with both of hers.
"This isn't just your mindscape Himawari." Her mother told her. "It's a crossroads. A fork in the path of life."
A… crossroads? path of life?
Himawari didn't even realize she had voiced the thought aloud until her mother nodded and continued.
"You're standing at a split in that path Hima-chan. A choice of fate lies before you. You can continue on as you are, a new path untrodden, with your own thoughts, choices and emotions. A mixture of the old and the new Himawari as you have always been."
Himawari bit her lip, eye glued to the other woman's.
"And the other path?" She was scared to know but she needed to.
"You can let go of it all. Fade away, give it all back to the old you. You would remember everything, come home here to this place and continue your life as you left it."
In other words, oblivion.
"What kind of choice is that?!" Himawari hissed, Byakugan flaring.
"The one you have before you. You're the only one who decides how this ends, which fate is chosen." Her mother began to cry, silent tears that glistened as they trickled down her cheeks.
They sat there for a long time, simply staring at one another.
A million thoughts raced inside her head, too fast for Himawari to keep track of.
What should she do?
What can I do?
It was an impossible choice.
Who deserved to continue on living. The old Himawari or the new? The one with a family or the one without?
Unbidden, an image of Sasuke flashed into her thoughts.
Sasuke Uchiha. Meeting him at the village by the sea.
Him saving her life time and time again, training her. Never talking down to her or setting her aside when things got tough. He could've left her there at that village by the sea. She had been no-one. Just an urchin best left forgotten but not to him. He had saved her, given her a taste of life. Fed her, clothed her, healed her. Given her a name, a clan... a family.
He'd gone after her when she had been taken. Gotten hurt for her.
Who did that kind of thing for a stranger?
No one. It's the kind of thing you do for family.
Himawari knew then what she wanted. She raised her head to speak to her mother, to let her know her choice. The words died on her lips when she met her mother's searching gaze.
That's when she thought about the other side of the coin.
The old Himawari hadn't asked for this either. To forget everyone and everything.
The old Himawari deserved to have her friends and family.
She deserves to have a mom like this.
"You deserve to have your daughter back. The one who remembers your face and your name. The one laughed and cried with her friends and family. That Himawari is your real daughter. I… I'm just a copy, a pale imitation of the real thing. An imposter always running away." The words were torn from her lips like a knife from a wound.
It was the right thing to say. The right thing to do.
She ran the arguments through her mind again and again. There was a whole life waiting for that young Himawari back in the Leaf Village. That Himawari had lived more of a life than she had at any rate.
"You're right. That Himawari is my real daughter." Even though she knew that that was the truth, hearing the words from her mother cut into the very core of her being.
"And so are you." Her mother continued.
The world stopped. Himawari looked on, eye wide as the woman opposite her leaned forward and kissed her forehead.
"You are both my daughter, and I am so proud of who you are." Her mom finished, sitting back with a shaky smile on her lips.
"I want to live mom. I want to live so badly it hurts." The words slipped out before Himawari could think to stop them. They were the wrong words.
Selfish words from a selfish person like herself.
But then an image of Sasuke, fighting his way through the black masses of the Silent Step to reach her crossed her mind. The joy she had felt when she had seen him. The horror when he fell beneath the ruins of the gatehouse. The hope when he cried out her name.
Himawari thought of the voice recording upstairs.
"We done here? I've got more important things to do."
To Sasuke...
To Sasuke I was the most important thing. The only important thing.
She looked at her mother, finding her strength.
"I want to live for myself, for the people I care about and to make my own choices for once."
"Then live Hima-chan. Make your choice." Her mother kissed her head again then released her. She nodded in the direction of the hallway.
"She's waiting for you outside."
"I love you mom." Himawari whispered.
"I love you too Himawari Uchiha. With all my heart."
?
This time, when Himawari tried the front door it opened easily. Stepping outside onto the paved path she encountered her. Himawari looked up at the darkness.
Are you out there Sasuke?
The original Himawari stood by the fountain. She had adopted a fighting stance, Byakugan activated with her palms out and glowing with chakra. It was funny to think that just a short while ago she had been terrified.
Not now. Not anymore.
She had made her choice and now she had to see it through, hoping that she had chosen correctly.
"I told you there was no escape, thief." The young Himawari reminded her. The other Himawari was just a child. Scared, angry and alone. She didn't understand what had happened or why she had been chosen to suffer such a fate.
"You did." Himawari replied steadily, descending the small set of stairs onto the pathway. She came to a stop a short distance away from her counterpart.
"I'm the real Himawari Uzumaki and that is my body." Every word was said with such force that Himawari almost flinched. Instead she smiled sadly and nodded.
"You are the real Himawari Uzumaki, and it is your body." Himawari reassured her.
I was the most important thing in the world to you Sasuke.
The other Himawari hesitated at that, arms lowering slightly. Clearly that hadn't been the response she had anticipated. Himawari seized on the opportunity and moved forward. At this the other Himawari immediately went on the defensive, her chakra infused palms flaring brightly in anticipation of combat.
"Stay back!" The other Himawari hissed, though there was a noticeable quiver to it.
They were both afraid of each other.
"My name is Himawari Kouda Uchiha, and it's my body too." Himawari told her.
The other girl bared her teeth and shook her head furiously.
"No!" She snarled.
And you're the most important thing in the world to me, Sasuke.
Himawari kept moving forward, her arms spread wide as she advanced on the other girl.
Her other self.
"I'll kill you." The other girl promised though the conviction wasn't there.
"No, you won't." Himawari told her as she moved inside of her guard and embraced the young girl.
"You won't kill me because I know you. I know you just as you know me." Himawari whispered into her hair. "I know what kind of person you are Himawari. We are the same person you and I. The only thing that separates us are our choices."
She could feel the other girl's arms drop to her sides. When her counterpart spoke next, Himawari could hear the tears in her voice.
Now it's my turn to give up everything for you Sasuke.
"It's my body, my life." The girl cried, arms coming up to grab her.
She was also just a child, scared and wanting to be held. To be protected, and Himawari's heart went out to her.
"It's also mine." Himawari argued softly.
"It's not fair!" The other Himawari sobbed, weeping into her chest. Himawari began to hum the same tune her mother did and rubbed the girl's back with her thumbs.
"No, it's not. I am so sorry for everything that happened to you, and I wish it hadn't, but it did." Himawari told her, taking a deep breath and gathering her courage to say what needed to be said. "It's also my life and I need it."
"Why? Why would you want to hang onto it? I've seen everything that's happened, and I know what you've suffered. Why would you want to go back to that? To all that pain, all that horror?" Himawari smiled at the girl's words for they were the exact same words she had used to argue with herself back in the kitchen.
There were a million things she could say to try and get her way but Himawari knew what she needed to say next.
The truth.
"Because I want to live."
The other girl pulled back to look up at her, Byakugan replaced with azure blue.
Dimly Himawari wondered if her eye would ever go back to that brilliant hue.
"I have something to live for. Someone I need and someone who, I think, needs me just as much." Himawari continued, needing to make her other self understand. "He's the family I have right now, and he needs me just as I need him."
Because you are my family, Sasuke.
"Please Himawari. Please let me save my family." Himawari implored of her. This was it. Her one chance.
The father I choose.
The other girl pulled away and stared at her for a long time. It felt as if she were reaching into Himawari's soul and plucking out every last secret she had. Finally, the young girl gave a short, brisk nod.
Himawari let out the breath she didn't know she had been holding.
"Thank you." She told the girl.
"Don't be. One day… we will settle this once and for all." The young Himawari said, wiping away her tears before storming past her into the house.
"I know."
Taking a deep breath Himawari turned back to the darkness and strode into it with renewed purpose.
I'm coming to save you this time Sasuke.
Then she commanded herself to wake up.
Wake up
And then she did.
Wow… That was some heavy stuff I thought but I'd always planned for Himawari to have her own emotional journey chapter. One to attempt to compare with the one I wrote for Sasuke in Chapter 20: Conscience in Pink.
Hopefully it reads better than it looks to me. I know struggled to end it and just decided enough was enough eventually. ;)
So what do you think the correct choice would've been? Let me know in a review.
Thanks as always for being such a great community.
Only 2 chapters and an epilogue to go!
See you all next time on
Those Who Are Lost
Chapter 25
Heart of an Uchiha