Chapter 12
That was the last thing Jay remembered from the accident, his brain had blocked everything else out. Seeing a tarp being thrown over Mike's body as paramedics were working on him.
He was crying and screaming Mike's name, but it was of little use. He was gone. And it was all Jay's fault.
Jay woke up in the hospital a few hours later, his left shoulder in a sling, stiff from where it popped out. He reached up to touch his forehead, where he could feel staples. He quickly recognized his dad's voice.
"Don't touch those son", Pat Halstead calmly told Jay, bringing his right hand back down to his side.
Jay looked around, taking a few seconds to orient himself, blinking, staring at his surroundings. The familiar feeling of sedation coursing through his veins. His breathing started to increase rapidly when he realized why he was here.
"Where's Hailey", was all Jay could get out as his dad stared back at him, terrified of what was going to come of this.
"She's with her parents", Pat said quietly. "They're identifying the body", he added solemnly.
With that, Jay started to cry again, shaking his head, uncontrollable sobs were all that were coming out.
In a rare move, Pat grabbed a hold of Jay's hand, carefully pulling him into a hug. He felt for Jay, this was devastating for all of them. Pat had just made the difficult phone call to Will, that was gut wrenching too – hearing his other son cry for the loss of his best friend.
"I can't lose Hailey too, I can't, it's too much", Jay cried, feeling an emptiness deep inside of him.
Pat just continued to console Jay; he didn't have the words- and no words were going to bring Mike back either. And if he was being honest with himself, he couldn't promise his son that he wasn't going to lose his best friend.
Of all the times that Jay had hurt himself over the years and ended up in the hospital, this was the only time Hailey hadn't come to see him.
"Jay, Jay", Hailey gently rubbed his shoulder to get him out of his own head. He was just sitting there across from her with his eyes tightly shut.
They both had tears streaming down their face, there was no way that they would have been able to not cry during this last bit of their trip down memory lane.
"Hey", Hailey said softly as he opened his eyes.
"Hey", Jay replied as he reached up to wipe the tears from his cheeks.
Hailey froze again, taking a few deep breaths. After Mike died, things with her own family got complicated. Nick moved out to California; Hailey moved to New York not long after. Things were fractured, a shadow of what they once were.
Her parents had sold the house and moved to a different neighbourhood; they couldn't stand to live there anymore. Too many memories, and her mom had told her it was hard to see Jay every day, how he had survived the crash but not Mike. Hailey's parents and family had always loved Jay, but now things were hard. They were grateful that he survived, but part of them blamed him for Mike's death too, they were bitter, angry even, although the accident wasn't directly his fault. Grief was funny in that way. But all of these heightened emotions put Hailey in a difficult position. She felt for Jay, who had been through so much these last few years as it is. Way more death, tragedy, destruction, loss, than anyone she knew. More than any young person should have experienced. But she also had this bitterness brewing within her. If Jay never called Mike for a ride, her brother would still be here. If she had just texted him when she was with Mouse, or had her phone next to her, this might not have ever happened. But on the flipside, details she would come to learn later, what if Mike made a more responsible decision to not drive? To just put his seat belt on? Her feelings on the whole thing were complicated. The 'what ifs' ate at her every single day.
She had felt sorry for Jay, through her own grief, she was also worried about him. And Mouse. And how this was going to all play out. But her world had been turned upside down, and she wasn't coping well herself. She exploded on him the second she had the opportunity, and he just took it.
"When I came to see you the morning after the crash…after you had been released from hospital…I'm not proud of how I handled that", Hailey stated, feeling a lump in the back of her throat. Jay knew where this was going.
"I was so angry Jay…and you were hurt too…I'm sorry. I shouldn't have hit you", Hailey continued.
"It's okay Hailey, I deserved it", Jay jumped in.
"No let me finish", she replied. So, Jay stayed quiet.
Hailey walked up to Jay's front door, her mind racing with all the questions she was going to ask him, all the things she planned on saying to him. But she saw him standing at the window, open the door for her and all that came out was-
"You killed MY BROTHER!" She shouted at him, through red hot tears streaming down her face.
The look on Jay's face after that was indescribable, it was as if she slapped him. He looked so hurt, but he said nothing.
"And you get to stand here, and continue to live your life, while he's gone. All because you couldn't just wait for a ride!" Hailey was really starting to unravel now.
"Hailey…", Jay tried to reach out for her, his voice sounding small and shaky.
Jay stood there, paralyzed. Not knowing what to do next, how to handle this.
"Don't you have anything to say?" Hailey asked, enraged, knowing full well that Jay knew Mike had a few drinks that night and still chose to ask him for a ride.
He did, but nothing came out. He still felt like he was in shock. Silence filled the porch, and for the first time in his life, Jay didn't know how to talk to Hailey, how to fix this. How to begin to apologize, as if that was going to change anything. How he wanted to tell her he wished it was him who took Mike's place, how sorry he was for messing up her and her family's life. How Will might not ever forgive him either. But it was as if he lost his voice. He just stood there staring at her blankly. He tried to reach out for her hand again, hoping that what he couldn't say with words he could show with touch.
But that set her off even more.
"No- don't. I never want to see you again Jay", Hailey said, her voice void of all emotion.
Jay winced and let out a small moan of pain as Hailey's hands connected with his chest and injured shoulder. But it paled in comparison to the pain he was feeling in his heart, Hailey's anger and rage and a look on her face he had never seen before. She gave him one last chance before she turned away, storming off his front porch and never looking back. His chest constricted and ached- he would take 1000 dislocated shoulders over this. He wasn't sure their friendship would ever recover.
It physically pained Jay to even think about that day again, that moment on the porch. It set the course for them right up until now, present day.
"Mouse was so sick Jay, so sick", she stressed. "I was scared he wasn't going to make it through the night", she admitted out loud. Hailey's heart raced a little thinking back to that night, cradling him on his bathroom floor. Of all the times she's ever taken care of the two of them, injuries, sickness, you name it. That was the one and only time she was actually really scared. She had never seen anyone as sick as Mouse that night.
"I know", he murmured. Knowing that now anyways.
"I couldn't leave him, let alone move him to check my phone…that's why I wasn't answering you. Not because we were ditching you. And I realize now that made you feel really anxious and overwhelmed and feeling like you had no other options, no way out of the situation you were in. And at the time really struggling with crowds and all that. It took a lot of time, many years, and therapy, for me to reflect on that whole day and experience in my life", Hailey said.
Jay nodded, he needed years of therapy after that too. He still does. That's sort of what this felt like now- therapy for the both of them, finally untangling their complicated web of young adult trauma.
That morning on the porch was the last time Jay saw Hailey for a while. He tried reaching out, knocking on her door, but she refused to see or speak to him. It hurt him more and more each time she rejected him. Will was devastated and angry too, their relationship was already on the rocks as it was. But, Will understood that although Jay was there, it wasn't his fault, he wasn't mad at him for that, he was just angry at the situation, and losing his best friend. So, he stayed in New York, and they just never really fully talked about the accident or processed it until years later.
Mouse was having a hard time still, was in and out of trouble, and eventually went off to rehab. Jay didn't uncover the whole story until the last few days. It all made sense now. Then, he heard through the grapevine that Hailey accepted a job offer in New York City too. A small part of him thought she might come to say good-bye, but she never did. She left without a trace, making a clean break from him and her life here in Chicago, and all the memories they had shared together. It stung. He saw the moving truck come to pack up her parent's house and expected to see her then. But she was already gone. Her parents gave him a cold hug good-bye and wished him and his dad well. Jay was empty. Everyone he loved was leaving him.
The months after that were dark, Jay spiralled into a deep depression, drinking and partying his life away- with anyone and everyone that paid him any attention. He was constantly trying and hoping that he would find a girl that would live up to Hailey, to fill the huge empty void that she left in his life, but none of them ever came close. On the outside it looked like he was having fun, but on the inside, he was falling apart.
Eventually, he cleaned his act up and accepted the fact that things with Hailey would never be the same. There was only so many unanswered calls, texts, and letters that he could send before enough was enough. It was a hard pill to swallow, but he told himself it was the only way he could move forward in his life. He started working out again and working for one of his old hockey coaches running camps. One of the players dads was a Rangers vet like him and encouraged him to join him at a meeting, where other vets would gather and chat about life. It was the breath of fresh air that he needed. That really turned things around for Jay, who had been struggling in all areas of his life up until then. A few months of that, and surrounding himself with a good circle of people, eventually led him to applying to the police academy. From there, the rest was history.
The true last time Jay had seen Hailey was 7 years ago at a memorial service for Mike, on the 5th anniversary of his death in 2014. By then, Jay was with Erin. Although, things were sort of on the outs. Will was back in Chicago, so he joined Jay at the service too. Jay was nervous about the thought that he would see Hailey after all this time. So, he did what he thought was best to calm his nerves. Looking back, showing up to a service drunk for someone who was killed in a drunk driving accident… was not a good look. Hailey looked at him disgusted that day, he never forgot it. Jay didn't even remember most of the day, that's how much he had. Will said he tried to talk to her, but she wouldn't give him the time of day, not even a glance in his direction. So that… Erin leaving, losing another girl he loved to New York… on top of accidentally shooting and killing a girl during a raid gone wrong, was enough to send Jay over the edge and into another cycle with PTSD. Thankfully, Mouse was there for him this time, as was his partner at work Kim. He didn't know what he would have done without them.
Hailey's voice interrupted his train of thought, reviewing his path in life that lead him to now, sitting with her on his couch, feeling like they had come full circle in a way.
"I want you to know that I forgive you. I've said it before, but I'm saying it now so we can put this to bed. Once and for all. Because seeing you again…these last few weeks… it's brought up a lot of memories", Hailey exhaled.
Jay held his breath, feeling like the other shoe was about to drop. That Hailey was wanting closure. And that their short reunion was going to be just that – short. So, he told himself if he was going to be brave, it had to be now.
"There was a time where I couldn't imagine my life without you Jay", Hailey said tearfully.
"I still can't Hailey", he whispered.
Hailey's face lit up at that, the slightest curl of her lips formed into a small smile.
They stared at each other for a moment.
"Why didn't you ever tell me how you felt", Hailey questioned him, trying to mask the hurt in her voice. For once, asking him point blank this time, a question they had dodged around for years, most of their lives really. If they were doing the whole honesty thing, now was the time to unpack this age old question, one that had followed them around since they were kids. One that, had it been answered or addressed a long time ago, might have set them on a different course.
Jay broke eye contact with her to stare at his feet and laugh, shaking his head. He raised his eyebrows, in an I've got no answer kind of way.
"Before I went for my first deployment…I came really close to telling you. Really close. As you now know… And I thought about you everyday when I was overseas. But the things I saw, and I did over there… I just… I came back broken. And ultimately, I didn't think that was fair to you", Jay's voice broke at that, tears starting to form in his eyes again.
Hailey sat with that for a minute, slowly realizing why Jay had pulled away and put those walls up all those years ago. It wasn't because he didn't want to be with her, it was because he didn't think he deserved her, and wanted to protect her from himself. She finally spoke, as she watched Jay become nervous, chewing on his bottom lip.
"Broken, is that what you think? That's what's been keeping us apart all this time? Because you think I wouldn't love you after you came home from war?" She asked quietly. The thought of that, and saying it out loud even, sounded ridiculous to Hailey. Jay's eyes came back up to meet hers, but he was still chewing on his bottom lip, fidgeting with a piece of his sling.
"Jay, I loved you before that and loved you the same afterwards. Nothing would have changed that, you know that", she said confidently.
The look on his face told her he didn't know that, that he wasn't sure if she could handle the chaos, or if she would be all in. The self-doubt always ate at him, especially when it came to her.
"Oh Jay", she said sadly, realizing that he had been in as much pain and anguish as she had through the years.
She scooted closer to him, bringing her right hand up to gently touch his left cheek. Her thumb running over his cheekbone, wiping the rest of his tears away.
"We didn't talk about it then, but we should have. It might have…. might have prevented some things…" Jay admitted carefully.
Hailey nodded, understanding what he was thinking. "Missing moment I guess", she replied. Jay studied her carefully, watching her discretely chew the inside of her cheek, her own telltale sign of nerves.
Their eye contact was giving her goosebumps.
"Can you take this off", Jay eventually broke their silence, motioning to the sling holding his left arm in place. It reminded him of the position he was in following Mike's accident, he wanted it off for this.
Hailey nodded and carefully helped him out of it, holding his left elbow so that his shoulder wouldn't be jostled around too much, slowly letting his arm rest at his side.
Jay grimaced for a second, his arm was stiff, but feeling better. He shrugged his left shoulder a few times, evaluating the range before turning towards Hailey completely, grabbing hold of her right hand with his left, so that both of their hands were conjoined now.
"Where do we go from here?" He broke their silence.
"I don't know Jay", Hailey answered honestly.
Jay took a sharp inhale, thinking about how he was going to do this. He loved Hailey- for so long, for too many reasons to list. He didn't have to hide who he was with Hailey, like he did with other people, or explain any of the hard parts. She was there, she got it, she got him, and always has.
"How about we start here", Jay quietly suggested, taking a leap of faith, his eyes watching hers, then trailing down to her lips. He waited for half a second for permission, her head giving him a small nod.
He leaned in for a kiss, pausing to hold her lips in his, slowly exploring the inside of her mouth with his tongue, his right hand reaching up, his fingers caressing the back of her head.
It was passionate, but gentle. Slow, and not rushed in any way. Although he always thought that's all he'd ever want to do after all this time, if he was ever presented the opportunity. But in the moment, he wanted to savour every last bit of her. To do it right this time.
As they broke away from each other, Jay licked his lips to soak up the taste of her strawberry chapstick. "Still the same flavour after all these years huh", he teased.
She smiled at him, feeling a fire burn in her lower belly. "What can I say, creature of habit", she said with a smirk.
"Hailey…"
"Jay…."
They both started to say something at the same time. "You go first", she replied.
He laughed, but then got serious.
"I've been searching for the same feelings I felt with you, for all these years. In every relationship, every friendship. But there was never anyone like you. And I don't think there ever will be", he told her, watching her every facial expression. He continued.
"I told myself if I ever got the chance to talk to you again, I would be honest, and tell you how I really felt. So that's what I'm doing now, laying it all out on the line, telling you that I want to spend the rest of my life with you, in whatever capacity that may be….You're the only true home I've ever had Hails", he told her genuinely, feeling himself nervous talking.
"Jay", she held up her hand to stop him rambling. That made him more nervous.
She paused before continuing. "When you kissed me in the bar many moons ago, do you remember what I told you afterwards?" Jay sheepishly shook his head; he was too drunk to recall.
"I said not now. But I didn't mean not ever", she grinned. "I love you Jay, I always have. And I don't think I want to be without you for any longer either."
His face lit up with a smile, she felt the same way. "You're not gonna be", he confirmed.
Both of his thumbs ran across the back of the knuckles of her hands, just staring at her intently. Like this was all he would ever need.
"I love you too Lails", he repeated the sentiment. Having never been so sure about something in his life.
They locked eyes and sat there for a moment.
"We should go to bed", Hailey announced, checking the time and seeing how late it was.
Jay raised his eyebrows at her suspiciously, he knew that sneaky look on her face. "Oh? My bed?"
Hailey smirked, "Mhmm. Your bed", she had a devilish grin on her face. Jay could feel all his blood rushing to a certain area.
He felt like a teenager again. He cleared his throat. "Even though I'm not wearing the sling, I can't exactly use this arm yet…", he said suggestively, expecting a swat of a reply from her for being so forward to assume what they'd be doing together in his bed.
"Oh, that's no problem. I can think of lots of things to do that don't involve you needing to use your arm. You can just rest on your back the whole time if need be", she replied confidently. Jay's eyes went wide.
"Say no more", he smirked as he let her lead the way upstairs, an extra spring in his step for the long night of fun ahead of them.
Happy Sunday! Thank you for sticking around on this story! This was a tough chapter to write, all the feels. But now I'm excited to dive into more of Hailey and Jay in this universe together as a couple. Any guesses for how they'll tell Will? Appreciate each and every one of you who leave me the nicest comments and messages. Hope you are all well in your corners of the world! - K