Look, I've become too serious; with Star Testing…research essay…blah, blah, blah. So, to remedy that, I came up with a total crack fic. I need crack. We need crack. Everyone needs crack…it keeps us alive…or interesting. :3
A/N: This was thought of while watching SasuSaku vs. ItaSaku-Think Twice by sahlar1 on Youtube…for no particular reason. It's a really cool, well-edited video and I enjoyed it. No parallelism between the song and this fanfiction.
I don't do song-fics.
Straight up, just not a fan...unless I really like the song.
Disclaimer: Series, video, and song belong to respective owners. Alas! I can only wait and hope that maybe…one day…I'll rule the world and enslave as many people as it takes to get them…then, I can make the pairings I want…Mwhaha…
Summary: Because, both were attracted to her light…WHAT? Nah, they just got hormones at the same time…
Think Twice
"Itachi?"
Itachi looked down to see his brother's teammate, currently acting as his Anbu medic, and said indifferently, "Yes, Haruno-san?"
Sakura winced. Though Sasuke, Naruto and Sakura had been friends and teammates for many years, Itachi still acted so formal when he was around them. There were many theories about Itachi…Such as one started by Naruto that Itachi was actually asexual and made clones of himself when he needed to reproduce, but Sakura disagreed. She believed Itachi was just extremely socially retarded, much like Sasuke but ten times worse. "Shisui is healed. Can you lift him away from me before he grabs my ass again?"
"Aw, Sakura-chan! Don't do that! You know you want me…" Shisui smiled, reaching his hand out to touch her face.
"Do you really want to be the one Naruto and Sasuke kill?" Sakura knocked his hand away. "Or, would you like me to kill you instead?"
Shisui flinched, even getting hit by the medical nin was life threatening. "Itachi! Please get me away from her! I don't wanna die! Who'll take over if you or Sasuke kick the bucket!"
"Neither of us will die." Itachi reached down, grabbed the back of Shisui's Anbu outfit and dragged him to a tent. After stowing away the pervert, Itachi returned to the campfire and sat on the opposite side of Sakura. "Haruno-san, I can tell you want to say something."
"Fine. Why are you so formal?"
"With you?" Itachi raised an eyebrow.
"No, with everyone. You barely talk to anyone for more than a minute," she added in a low murmur, "except your mom…"
Itachi ignored her last comment and replied, "Sasuke threatened to kill me if he ever caught me talking to you for more than a minute or calling you 'Sakura-chan'."
"Not that he could…(T.T)" She rolled her eyes. Sasuke had the same operation. He would, in addition to Naruto, hunt down the male members of any team she was working with and would threaten to castrate them if they even thought about her as anything other than a medic.
"Of course not. But, I humor him."
"So if you wanted to…"
"I could do whatever I wanted to you."
"WHAT?" Sakura had to be hearing wrong, no way that came out of Uchiha Itachi's mouth.
"It's a true and simple fact. Sasuke is not strong enough to keep you from me…if I was like that." Itachi sighed, stood, and as he was walking to his tent, said, "Despite the popular belief…I am not asexual. The Clan is actually trying to push me in the direction of marriage…I don't think spending time with a female, however platonic the relationship is, will improve my situation."
"Itachi?"
"My mother really likes you, Sakura-chan. You should come for dinner tomorrow night when we get back to the village." And with that, Itachi entered his tent until his shift began…
-o0-
"NARUTO! Press A!"
"I fucking am, Sasuke! Just because Itachi has a mission and I don't know how to play doesn't make you the God of Video Games!" Naruto yelled as the screen read: OWNED. Naruto threw his controller at Sasuke's head. "Fuckin' A! I wish Sakura-chan were here!"
"She doesn't love you. God, Naruto, do you ever give up?" Sasuke sighed. Sakura and Itachi were on the same mission: An S-ranked trip to Suna. Apparently, the Kazekage was having issues trying to keep a certain fangirl from sneaking into his room at night and the Suna Council had thought it was an assassin.
"No. But, I can't beat the crap out of someone to solve my problem this time." Naruto scratched the back of his head. "So, maybe this one time I'll give up. She doesn't love me, and sadly, NaruSaku doesn't sound as good as SasuSaku (Sasuke blushed) or ItaSaku."
"Shut. The. Fuck. Up. Naruto." Sasuke pulled a kunai out. "Itachi and Sakura will NEVER, I repeat, NEVER end up together."
"Whoa, possessive much, Sasuke-teme?" Naruto stared wide-eyed at Sasuke's anger.
"No." Sasuke put the kunai away. "Whoever…marries…" he said it like it was venomous, "Itachi, has to deal with the Elders as well, dobe."
"That's a bad thing…?"
"They would be like: 'Carry on the legacy of the Clan, Itachi. Be fruitful and multiply'." Sasuke shuddered. "Oh, God, I'm glad I was born second."
"If you're so against them being together, why don't you marry her instead?" Naruto barely managed to avoid the X-box flying at his head.
-o0-
"Itachi, Sakura, we're close to the gate!" Shisui said spastically.
"Yeah, thanks moron, we can see that." She rolled her eyes.
"Sakura, remember to come over tonight for dinner."
"You were serious…?" Her eye twitched at the lack of –chan.
"Of course." They reached the gates. "You two, go home. I'll make the report to the Hokage." They nodded as he left and began their separate trips home.
-o0-
Sasuke suddenly stood. "They're back."
"What?" Naruto said as Sasuke took off sprinting for Sakura's small apartment. Naruto shook his head sadly, "He should just ask her to marry him."
-o0-
"Sakura!" Sasuke ran to her front door where she was still trying to put the key in the door, but couldn't seem to get it in.
"Sa…suke?" She turned and fell into his arms, asleep.
"You over-worked yourself again." He worried as he opened her door with no difficulty and carried her bridal style to her bedroom. He removed her Anbu jacket, keeping his distance. The only problem was, Sakura was only wearing her chest bindings. Sasuke gasped, Sakura had always made sure to wear an extra shirt when she was on missions with Team Seven…he'd…never…seen…a girl's bra. He quickly stood up, "Oh, God…" He tripped backwards, sending him sprawling over the bedroom floor. Sasuke stood up quickly, which made his head spin, grabbed the bridge of his nose with his thumb and index finger and ran to the bathroom as a spray of blood trickled out of his nose. "I don't have a broken nose…wtf…"
"Sasuke…" A small noise came from the other room. He panicked. He didn't want her to see him, nose bloody and a crazy expression that seemed focused on his red eyes…red eyes. 'Oh, God! The Sharringan activated! Why?' he thought as he rolled up toilet paper to clean his nose. 'Kami, I gotta get out of here. She's unconscious… Unconscious…hmmm… What if…No! What is wrong with me?' He felt an instinct start to click within his mind, unlike his usual ones it had nothing to do with combat. He wanted to go back into the room and…
'Shit! I need to get outta here!' Sasuke thought as he managed to form the hand seals to take him to the Uchiha compound.
Within seconds of Sasuke's hurried departure, another Uchiha arrived. Of course, he'd been in Sakura's apartment before. It was an even distance between the Uchiha compound and the gate, so he'd often suggested that the team just meet at the kunoichi's residence.
Itachi was a gentleman. He'd been raised to speak respectfully and understand that a woman's body was a temple. Unlike most young men his age, he'd never force himself on anyone. He thought it frivolous to hang out at bars and carry home drunken women for the hell of it, so he hadn't. In his twenty-three years of existence, he'd never felt the need to sleep with anyone…until today.
Much like Sasuke, the second he got tired of waiting for the door to open and appeared in her bedroom, he'd stumbled backwards and had a fight with a nose bleed in the bathroom. 'Calm yourself, Itachi. It's nothing…it's just Sakura…in her bra…unconscious…on a bed…'
Itachi let his guard slip. He lost control. That same instinct that plagued Sasuke minutes before washed over Itachi, consuming him with twenty-three years of suppressed emotions. He felt sick. He started to feel dizzy and braced his arm against the wall, his other hand pressing on the large mirror. "Ugh…" He grunted as he moved to rest his forehead on the cool glass.
"Itachi-san?" A feminine voice said with a tired hesitance. "Are you okay?"
"No."
-o0-
Sasuke curled up into a ball on his bed. "Twinkle…Twinkle…little…star" he sang in a little voice, it was barely audible even to his mother listening outside the door.
Uchiha Mikoto loved nothing more than to invade her sons' privacy, especially if it had anything to do with Haruno Sakura. Sakura was Mikoto's absolute favorite candidate for a daughter in law. She knew Itachi and Sakura were on the same Anbu team, and had gone on a mission, but not thirty minutes after their presence appeared, Sasuke came home in an almost retarded state, muttering and singing children's' nursery rhymes.
"Mikoto, what are you doing?" Uchiha Fugaku sighed, used to his wife's antics.
"Nothing…" A cat-like grin appeared on her face as she remained close to Sasuke's door.
"Please stop spying on him…something's burning in the kitchen." Fugaku sniffed, "Smells like rice…"
"Oh no! That's for Itachi's onigiri!" Mikoto rushed to the kitchen, forgetting about Sasuke.
'So, Itachi's returned.' He thought as he absent-mindedly stared at Sasuke's door. Curiosity finally got the better of him and he pressed his ear against the door.
"Jack be nimble…Jack be…quick…" Sasuke's broken voice sang barely above a murmur.
"What the hell?" Fugaku voiced, actually concerned for his son's sanity.
"Who's snooping now?" Mikoto reappeared. Fugaku had no time to comment back before Mikoto surprised him with her wisdom, "I think it's girl trouble."
"Fuck."
-o0-
Itachi watched as she went into medical mode. "Are you hurt? Where does it hurt most? When were you injured?" Etc.
Itachi found himself shaking his head constantly as he thought, 'She's not asking the right questions…She should be asking 'Why are you in my house?'…'
"Why are you in my house?" Seeing him unharmed, she began to ask the real questions.
"I came to get you for dinner. But I have a question…Why are you not properly dressed?" Not that he particularly minded, Itachi decided.
"Wha-?" She caught sight of herself in the mirror. "OMG! WHAT THE HELL?"
"You were like that when I found you." Itachi backed away from the angry kunoichi.
"Get the hell out." Her eyes darkened. Itachi thought that he was being too submissive. He stalked forward, grabbed her wrists, and opened his mouth to spout off a cliched innuendo but was cut off by the burn of chakra on his hands. "I said, 'get the hell out'."
He nodded. "Until dinner then." Itachi formed the signs and vanished in a cloud of smoke.
Sakura looked at the clock. "Dinner? Crap!"
-o0-
Sasuke stared blankly at the wall by his father's head. His father was talking that much Sasuke could tell, but Sasuke still couldn't remove the image of Sakura from his mind.
"So, Sasuke, who's the girl?" His mother appeared behind him, which would have shocked the hell out of him on any other day, but Sasuke didn't even flinch.
"Humpty…Dumpty…sat…on a…wall…" Sasuke buried his head into his black silk sheets.
"Sasuke, your mother asked you a question." His father chided, really afraid for his son's sanity.
"Yes, Sasuke, do tell…" His mother purred.
"Mother! Father! I'm home!" At the sound of Itachi's frantic voice, both mother and father rushed away from the deflated teme.
"Itachi, doushita no?" Fugaku said quickly as Mikoto rushed to her elder son and began fussing over him.
"I…" Itachi slumped forward, "saw…Sakura-chan-"
Mikoto's ears pricked up. "Sakura-chan! Ooh! How is she?"
"Mikoto, let him finish." Fugaku was a little concerned. First Sasuke had come home, reciting nursery rhymes and now even Itachi seemed a little off.
"...In…her…bra…"
To say the least, Mikoto seemed more in danger of becoming a vegetable than Sasuke. "…Beware the Jabberwock my son…the jaws that bite…the claws that catch…" She deflated…to say she was happy, was an understatement.
"Mikoto, go finish dinner." She pranced off, rehearsing the lines from the 'Jabberwocky' poem. "Son."
Itachi was surprised as his father hugged him, and Itachi vaguely wondered if Fugaku had gone insane. "Father…"
"So, you're serious about continuing the clan!" Fugaku smiled brightly. "And with Sakura-chan! Your mother will be so happy!"
"Wha?" Itachi shook his head. "No! No! No! It was an accident! But afterwards…I wanted…"
"Yes…?" His father prompted.
"I wanted to go back in there and…" Itachi continued rather quickly, "to hold her down and-"
"OKAY! I got it!" Fugaku waved his hands. He may have been curious, but not that curious.
"She's going to be here for dinner." Itachi stood up straight and regained some of his composure.
"You go get ready. I'll inform your mother…" Even Fugaku looked a little dejected. Mikoto loved Sakura.
-o0-
Sakura had already showered and was in her closet, glowering at all her outfits that were not for training. She figured that she could dress casually, Sasuke was a good friend, Mikoto loved her and Itachi had seen her in her bra, no need to worry about making a good impression now. She grabbed the nearest pair of skinny jeans, a nice, red flannel shirt and a pair of matching red wedges. "This should be fine." All she had to do was her make-up…
-o0-
Fugaku crept up to Sasuke's room. "Sasuke, are you awake?"
"Hn." Fugaku sighed, it was the most sane (well, Sasuke type of sane) thing he'd said since he had gotten home.
"Care to tell me what's wrong?"
"I saw Sakura-chan in her bra…and got a nosebleed…and the Sharringan activated by itself…and I felt like going to her room and-"
"OKAY!" Fugaku sighed, 'Oh, fuck.'
-o0-
When Sakura rang the doorbell, she wasn't prepared for Mikoto's hyperactive affection. She'd known Mikoto really enjoyed her company…but Sakura thought this was entirely ridiculous.
Sasuke was no where in sight, she could tell he was hiding around the corner, and Itachi seemed to be watching her every move. Even Fugaku seemed to be watching her intently! And Mikoto, she was smiling so much Sakura thought her face would be stuck permanently.
"Sasuke, what the hell are you doing?" She sighed. This had to stop.
"You can't see me! I'm a ninja!" He pouted from his place around the corner.
"Sasuke, you're not five. What is wrong with you?" She turned around on Itachi, who was standing immediately behind her, and found her nose in his chest. "And you, what the hell?"
"Hn."
"Why were you in my apartment? Why was I in my bra?" She took a step back and began to yell.
"ITACHI!" Sasuke yelled. "You saw Sakura in her bra too!"
"'Too?'" Sakura spaced out, question marks dancing around her head.
"Oh, fuck." Fugaku sighed, repeating his new favorite obsenity. "Let's eat."
To make things even worse, the way the dinner table was set up put Sakura on one side, Mikoto and Fugaku on the ends of the table, and Sasuke and Itachi on the same side facing her. Sakura felt the stares of all the members of the Uchiha household staring at her. "Um…so, Mikoto-san?"
"Call me 'Soon-to-be-Grandma'!" Sakura's (along with the other members of the family) jaw dropped.
"Um…" Sakura stared blankly.
"Sakura," Itachi said, "would you like to accompany me?"
"Sure…" Sakura would do anything to escape the awkwardness of the dinner table, and Itachi was acting the sanest out of all of them (heheh…). She got up and walked around the table. Itachi and Sasuke arose at the same time, glared at each other, and took her arm on either side, walking to the front door before starting their night tour.
Mikoto nearly fell out of her seat, "Fugaku! Did you see that?"
"Yes, dear. It seems you will get your wish. Sakura has a chance of marrying both of them now."
"At the same time? What started this?"
"It seems they both got hormones at the same time." Fugaku sighed. It was going to be a long night.