A/N: Disclaimer time! This is my first foray into fanfiction, at least as far as Gensokyo is concerned. This means that I'm not quite sure how every character dynamic in the series works, but furious wiki cross-referencing has (hopefully) made this if not fully canon-compliant, at least suit the general tone of the Touhou Project.
Or at least, the more laid-back spin-off media like the manga, Yatagarasu willing.
And of course, I do not own Touhou Project in any way, shape or form and will probably never own such a successful IP, but it's by the nature of fanfiction that you are able to read this interpretation of a potential story within the land of dreams, guarded eternally by the Shrine Maiden of Paradise.
The Shrine Maiden won't be making an appearance quite yet, as our tale starts...
Deep within the Bamboo Forest of the Lost, the moon shone down the seemingly impenetrable stalks as there was not a cloud in the midnight sky. Eirin Yagokoro was making notes on her latest research, somewhat inspired by Kaguya Houraisan's poor understanding of modern Japanese slang, despite this story clearly being written in English.
Regardless, Eiren was making notes about the new medical herb she was growing in the back garden. It smelled funny and it clashed with the bamboo, but Kaguya allowed it on the basis of the medical expert's explanation on how much money could be made from a general pain reliever with minimal side-effects would make in the Human Village.
Hearing a ding, the genius that could make anything given the right ingredients turned to her egg timer, indicating that her next experiment was done baking.
Mastery of medicine does not come with tracking time down to the second, after all. Or at least, not while she was taking notes.
Getting up, the medic stretched her limbs before briskly walking to where Kaguya spent most of her day simply meditating. Immortality tends to give you a lot of free time for that sort of thing.
With a curt nod, she decided to leave her ally to seek enlightenment or whatever. Had Eirin stayed just a moment longer, she would have noticed the drool coming from the former moon princesses' mouth, happily dreaming away the day with nary a care in the world.
Heading down one of the many hallways of the ancient mansion, Eririn internally considered her thesis on her latest experiment one last time. "If the kappa were right about this, these 'pot brownies' should be done by now."
Eientei had been busy lately, as Kaguya had been handing out invites like candy and wishing to see as many of Gensokyo's residents as possible now that her self-imposed exile had ended and Eirin was not happy about it.
It's not that she was hesitant at the idea of her beliefs being outdated with a thousand years of technological progression having made her equipment and trained eye antiquated and inaccurate, but…
"I refuse to believe a kappa of all things can measure more precisely than I can!" The blue and red dressed woman crossed her arms with a mighty and haughty huff. "I have spent one thousand years refining my technique, do you honestly believe your nic-nacs stack up to that?"
"Yeah." Nitori shrugged, her backpack dangerously shrifting as she said so before looking back up at the white haired woman. "There's a reason why techniques change with the times. You're working with a thousand year old technology here, it's disgraceful!"
"Disgra- LADY KAGUYA, do you hear this insolence?" She turned to the black-haired princess who was simply marvelling at one of the kappa's many trinkets they had invented.
"Eirin, this device was created to boil water, but requires no flame!" She expressed herself in her outdated language with the genuine joy of a child with a puppy. "Are you entirely sure this technology isn't to our benefit?"
"I have spent a thousand years-"
"Thousand years refining your craft, we get it." Reisen snarked with a sigh, the lunatic rabbit clearly frustrated at her master's stubborn nature. "Having been to the Human Village, they've commented on the… consistency of your products."
"As if they would know anything about the consistency of medicine." Eiririn continued to pout like a child as everyone present sighed.
"While the kappa don't have the same intimacy with chemical compounds, we made up for that by making a device that gives accurate measurements to weight to compensate."
Placing her frankly ludicrously stuffed bag on the floor, the kappa almost disappeared inside, rifling through her possessions before pulling out an electronic scale, conveniently marked with the kappas' branding. "There."
The medic simply stared incredulously, wracking her brain over the unfamiliar technology. Being a woman of (medical) science, she opted to hit the power button of the device, the LCD screen lighting up with a simple "0" on the display.
Seeing a chance to sell her wares, Ntori suddenly put a glass beaker on the scale, the number rising until it finally stabilized at a solid 360 grams being displayed proudly. "As you can see, this scale can quickly and accurately measure the weight of anything placed on it in grams, pounds, pennyweights, Newtons, stones, troy pounds, grains and Devil's pounds."
A/N: Any comments about Devil's pounds' phrasing will be met with a tactical Fantasy Seal to the commenters' home. This is a mature and serious fanfiction that may or may not involve a certain shrine maiden getting high at some point.
"That sounds… Rather convenient." Eirin considered, letting her guard down for a second. "Wait, Devil's pound?"
"It's a niche unit of measurement used by the food industry. It refers to the weight of one barrel of sake. Oni have notoriously high alcohol tolerance, much higher than humans and even other youkai." The kappa relayed information once given to her by a bored bartender when she was upgrading their taps to pour more consistently. "We don't use those in the consumer stock, overcomplicates things a tad and these things can't even handle one Devil's pound, haha." She patted the scale affectionately, unintentionally making the displayed number to veer wildly for a moment before returning to the nicely even 360.
Eirin was actually starting to get why such a thing would exist, at least for the fickle humans that lacked immortality. "While a mere human would be able to at least measure up to my standards-" A collective groan came from all around the room. "I for one am always accurate down to the gram using my trained eyes honed like a blade over-"
"A thousand years, yeah yeah." Even the kappa was getting tired of Eirin's attitude. "How about we test that theory with a little wager?" She offered with the grin of a cat who had found their next meal and the glint of a shrewd businessman.
Pride on the line, Eirin's composure briefly broke as wisps of steam started to form from the bottom of her hat and the other residents of the manor took a step back in response. The kappa wasn't so much walking onto a minefield, more backflipping onto it before starting a three part dance number, complete with backup dancers and a full orchestra.
Painfully mangled analogy aside, Nitori wasn't exactly making the wisest choices today. "A matter of pride? Little kappa girl, you have a deal." The medic calmly walked towards one of the cupboards, Reisen wisely choosing to make herself scarce as she approached, the wooden doors flying open to reveal a set of traditional weighing scales and even in the limited light the kappa could recognize as the highest of quality and treated with all the reverence of a deity, with gems occasionally placed in just the right places to make the entire thing shine just a little bit brighter.
Paired with the scale was a set of weights, each one appropriately marked with its approximate size carved in, though the text seemed to be fading with repeated use.
Placing both scale and weights on the shelf, Eirien turned to Reisen, her bangs covering her eyes, but her tone easily expressed her current emotion. "Udongein. Jug of water." She commanded simply with no room for negotiation.
The rabbit wisely made herself even more scarce, practically disappearing in a puff of smoke as Eirien leaned against the counter top with her arms crossed, calming herself down as she did so.
"Archery is a hobby of mine, you know." Eirin explained simply to the kappa, a single eye smugly laser-focused on the blue haired engineer. "You have to account for everything in that as well. The wind, the tightness of your bow, the weight of the arrow, there's a variety of factors that can wildly affect the trajectory of your aim. Making medicine is much the same way and over the last thousand years, I have created thousands of compounds from cold medicine to hormone suppressants with nothing but my two hands and these scales."
"Hormone… suppressants?"
Everyone else present had the decency to look away with shamed looks at the very least. "It is quite the touchy issue." Kaguya spoke up finally. "You see, Lunarian biology-"
"Tewi and Undongein are rabbits by nature." Eirin explained succinctly, with the kappa getting the point. "The point remains that my techniques have been refined to perfection and while your technology is impressive, ultimately unneeded for someone like me."
"We'll see." The kappa's confidence was unwavering as the rabbit returned with a wooden jug filled with spring water, placing it on the countertop with a nervous smile.
Grabbing the weight with "500g" carved into it and placing it on one end of the scale before grabbing the beaker and placing it on the other end, the scales acted accordingly.
"So if the beaker weighed 360 grams beforehand, then if I poured exactly 100 grams of water into this…" She muttered mostly to herself, pouring water into the beaker as it lowered in abject silence save found the sound of the beaker filling as it slowly lowered the scale, intense concentration in her eyes, scarcely hesitating before she stopped with a satisfied smile, the scales nearly having equilibrium again before she took off the beaker and handed it to the kappa. "There, that should be exactly 460 grams. If it's not, we'll buy a full suite of upgrades for Eientei."
"And if it is?" The kappa inquired.
"You leave and never bother us again," She stated simply. "Eientei should remain untouched in terms of its technology in my opinion."
"Eirin…" Kaguya stated in a serious tone.
"At least, for business inquiries. Lady Kaguya insists on an open door policy for everyone now…"
"Heh, deal." Nitori held a hand out to shake the medic's hand, continuing to keep her grin as the beaker was moved back to the scale.
Everyone present stood with baited breath as the display started to tick upwards once again.
Slowly but surely it reached 400 grams, slowing down as the weight stabilized.
420...
440…
455…
460…
462 grams was the final total on the scales.
Eirin rubbed her eyes. She rubbed them again. She tried for a third time, but that damn number still remained the same, taunting her.
"T-there's no shame in admitting defeat, miss." Nitori quietly spoke up, feeling an aura of dread around the nurse…
That dissipated with a sigh as Eirin's rage subsided rather suddenly. "You're right, something tells me Lady Kaguya would have talked me into it even if I got it exactly right."
"My, this ket-tle device is simply wondrous!" Kaguya continued to marvel at the water boiling machine with delight. "Lady Eiriin, we must get one of these 'ket-tles' as soon as possible!"
Finally noticing the vacant looks of everyone present, Kaguya had a confused look on her face. "What happened? Did I miss something?"
Things went on from there. Eirin used half of her medicine budget for the month to pay for labour costs. (The other residents chipped in for the rest on Kaguya's insistence to their collective chagrin.) The kappa did their tinkering and even brought medical-grade hardware to showcase as a show of good faith for their latest clientele.
While at first she was apprehensive at the free tools, Eirin did eventually see their use and after some practice, even managed to get back to her usual level of precision and even increased her own workflow in the process.
Opening the newly refurbished kitchen, the noise of machines quietly humming aay was only interjected with the tinkering of a single kappa and a certain immortal waiting impatiently, eating a freshly cooked brownie as she did so before noticing her new guest and awkwardly becoming a statue.
"Hello," Eirin put a hand to her head and sighed. "Fujiwara no Mokou, to what do I owe the pleasure?" She sarcastically asked her employers' sworn "nemesis".
"Coulda told me a bunch of kappa were coming to upgrade your stuff." She answered with a little disdain before taking another bite of the sweet treat. "These are pretty nice, by the way."
"Those are meant to be for medical purposes." Eirin pointed out rather clinically. "That and several hundred degrees above edible."
"Spirit of fire comes with heat proofing, go figure." She shrugged before pointing a thumb at the tinkering kappa. "Plus they left out one of the gas pipes, so it could have ended really badly if I didn't lead this one back here."
Leaning against one of the newly-installed countertops, Eirin rolled her eyes but gave a smile anyway. "Thanks, I guess. Though wouldn't your job of leading people through the Bamboo Forest of the Lost be easier if most of it is burned down?"
"Ya think I hadn't considered that idea at least once over the last thousand years?"
A tense silence rose between the two before Mokou burst into raucous laughter. "As if I'd do that! Kaguya aside, It's in my best interest to keep my neighbours happy, y'know?"
Eirin lightly chuckled in response. Having barely seen the immortal due to her own work leaving her in the deeper parts of the mansion for many years, she always assumed that the flame spirit simply helped Eientei out of obligation, but she seemed to be enjoying the conversation. "The sentiment is appreciated." She nodded in agreement. "If you ever need some medicine-"
Mokou coughed as Eirin realized she was about to try the equivalent of selling snow to an eskimo and awkwardly stopped. "Maybe not for me, but some painkillers would make things easier on my end if someone managed to hurt themselves when I find them."
"Sure, sure. We can work out a payment plan today if you want-"
"And done, chief." The young-looking kappa pulled out her head and toolbox to see the medic standing there bewildered before panicking slightly. "A-ah! The client! I'm so sorry, but I forgot to install a vital gas pipe for the stove! It's my first day and Kappa Resources will fry me like tempura if they found out something so basic was missed! A thousand apologies!"
A moment passed as Eirin glared daggers at the rapidly bowing kappa, desperate to not have her first job end in failure.
"Well, it's nice of you to come back and fix your mistake rather than put your clients at risk, so if you learn from this, no harm done." She reasoned more to herself than the kappa and flame spirit present.
"Figured you would have blown up at her. Given the rumours the humans widely speculate about Eientei." Mokou noted with a raised eyebrow, but her expression remained mostly neutral. "Anyway, let's get you out of here, lil' gal. Don't want to fix the pipe only for the kappa to bulldoze half the forest looking for ya."
With a friendly wave, the young kappa bounded ahead, Mokou simply nodding before leaving without another word.
Taking a look at the tray, there was a single square missing but otherwise remained undisturbed as she picked up the tray, warm but not overly so as she headed to Kaguya's room to surprise her with this latest experiment.
"That poor kappa," Erin worried about the future of her career. "I wonder if I should have given her one of these brownies to ease her up before she went back."
Rabbits are now playing…
The Youkai Trail was not a road to be taken lightly at the best of times, never mind when the Night Sparrow Apparition made her rounds to terrify all who passed her domain with darkness and confusion, much to a certain protector of the Human Village's continued annoyance.
Still tonight was a slow night, even for Mystia Lorelei. Most humans who had encountered her once tended to avoid the trail again, even as she became more and more disinterested in frightening humans, realizing that despite being a youkai, she still had ambitions beyond simply being a feared local legend.
So she had opened a stand serving grilled lamprey, a creature said to help with night-blindness along with her generally just enjoying the taste of it in her off-time. Of course being a bit of a trickster, she would use her ability to cause night-blindness in humans as part of a half-honest, half-con business that shined based on her genuine passion to meet and befriend humans. A few caught on to the grift and told her off, but a few sympathised with her genuine heart and became repeat customers in exchange for the night sparrow stopping her tricky ways and going for the honest approach.
On this slowest of slow days though, Mystia was desperately bored, having accidentally burned several portions of lamprey simply staring out into the night, trying to hear the sounds of footsteps or anything above the sizzle of flesh.
Finally her silent prayer was answered as the faint sound of walking pricked up one of her ears, almost instinctively starting to use her ability out of excitement as a shroud of shadow started to cover the immediate area, rushing back to start grilling once more as a rather refined, formal voice filled the relative silence.
"Milady, it appears that my vision is starting to waver. Perhaps we should cut our evening walk short for the night, lest we be attacked at my most vulnerable?"
"Nonsense," A polite voice tainted with the immaturity of a child cut in. "A simple apparition of the darkness is no match for the lord of the night. After all, there's a food stand over there with something I have never smelled before!"
A barely audible sigh came from the first voice as the whooshing of wind indicated that someone had entered the humble stand, blowing the sheet Mystia used to hide the behind the scenes work. "Be out in a second!~" She announced cheerfully, almost breaking into song as she did so, seasoning the lamprey with all the muster she could manage, humming a jaunty tune she heard from the Human Village once, half-remembering the notes as she finished preparing the dish to serve to her weary travellers.
Pushing the sheet open, Mystia was about to give a proper greeting when she laid eyes on her customers and her blood froze.
Sat in front of her was Sakuya Izayoi, rubbing her eyes in a vain attempt to cure her night blindness, unaware that the culprit was stood in front of her and about to serve her food and drink and more distressingly, Remilia Scarlet, a knowing grin clear across her face as Mystia put the skewer of eel in front of the night-lord.
"A-a passing treat for those ailed with the curse of night-blindness, m-m'am?" She offered the skewer almost as a tribute rather than a sale, slowly drawing the darkness back within herself and hoping beyond hope the Remilia Scarlet didn't catch on to her scheme.
"Ah, the famous grilled lamprey seller." She noted with an air of feigned haughtiness as she tried a bite. "Quite the rare sight, so I hear. Can't stand the smell of yakitori so you tend to avoid festivals where those are served, correct?"
A meek nod was all that came from the night sparrow, practically quaking in her boots as the last of Sakuya's night-blindness left her. "It's a moral thing more than anything. Seeing fellow birds hurt like that just for the sake of food…"
"And what of the humble lamprey?" Remilia prodded as she pulled a piece off of the skewer for emphasis. "Are they not just as beautiful to the sea-dwelling youkai of Gensokyo? Would a kappa really be okay with this?"
"Milady, I feel you've done enough." Sakuya rubbed the last of the darkness out of eyes before noticing the night sparrow in front of her on the verge of a breakdown.
"Ah, must be the presence of a high-ranking vampire lord that has her all in a daze." Remilia chuckled, fully knowing what she was doing and simply finding joy in teasing Mystia as she plucked another piece of lamprey into her mouth and despite her diet being primarily human blood, she found it surprisingly palatable. "That aside, these are delectable! Sakuya, would you like a piece?"
The maid eyed the skewer, half the pieces already been eaten and looking significantly more lukewarm than before. With some apprehension, the maid slid off a piece, careful not to touch any other piece before placing half of it in her mouth to make sure it wasn't too warm. Confirming, she slipped it in daintily before politely chewing on it, lukewarm umami filling her mouth with a flavour explosion that nearly broke her professional facade, but scarcely regained it not a moment too soon, much to Remilia's delight.
Still, that split second of a smile was noticed by the sparrow, who respected their reputation enough to change the subject. "I-I am also the guitarist in Choujuu Gigaku in my off time, if that helps?"
"Ohoho, you're one of those screeching demon?" Remilia raised her eyebrows at this revelation. "You seem so delightfully naive to be venting your frustrations in a… What was it, Sakuya?"
"A punk band." Sakuya shuddered at the demonic screaming that the duo had made in the past, specifically because the other half of the duo had the uncanny ability to amplify sound waves. "That Kyouko girl might be to blame for the noise complaints..."
"H-hey, we both do our best!" Mystia slammed her hands onto the counter to defend her absent friend. "Just because her singing isn't the best doesn't mean you can drag her down when you've never even met her!"
"Ah, you've got some spice behind that veil of innocence." Remilia stopped the rant with an even tone, her devious grin still present as she got up to leave. "That being said, I hope your little band works out for you, maybe an opportunity will drop for you-"
Sleight of hand was not Remilia Scarlet's forte, as she clumsily tossed a scroll over her shoulder, partially rolling and stopping just before it fell off Mystia's end of the counter.
An awkwardly tense moment passed as the usually in-control Remilia's plan did not go as she planned.
"Is this… Are you trying to dine and dash m-"
"RUN FOR IT SAKUYA!" The vampire lord's demeanor broke as she sprinted out of the stand, using her wings to blow the songbird over before taking off into the night. In the ensuing chaos, Sakuya silently pulled out a pouch of coins she had counted seconds prior (Using the brief standoff after Remilia's failed sleight of hand to stop time and count out a suitable payment, plus a tip for Remilia being herself.) before making a hasty exit herself.
Choking on dust she thought she had cleaned up already, Mystia struggled to get up before the sound of rushing wind and footsteps very quickly faded out of ear shot.
Dusting herself off, Mystia grumbled to herself before she noticed a glint in the corner of her eye and turned to see a leather bag of yen, clearly opened just enough to catch her immediate attention.
Picking up the bag of yen, Mystia didn't even need more than a second to realize she had been overpaid rather than underpaid. "At least they paid up." She noted with exhaustion across her tired bones as she shut off the grill, ready to shut down business for the night at a minimal loss.
At least she was, until she kicked a piece of paper that still laid on the ground, seemingly forgotten after Remilia's rash retreat.
Brushing off the antique looking scroll, the sparrow decided to unfurl it, seeing as the vampiress took great pains to make a show of "accidentally" dropping it over her counter, so it was only fair to see what her deal was.
Sparrows are now singing…
"L-Lady Remilia!" Sakuya caught up to her mistress, panting and wheezing as her human lungs nearly gave out from the two mile sprint from the lamprey stand, though she recovered quickly. "Why would you pull something so reckless when we were perfectly capable of footing the bill?"
Remilia ignored Sakuya's interrogation to sigh in frustration instead. "Took you long enough, The moon is starting to set."
To that, Remilia simply turned around and walked into the waiting gate of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, Sakuya eventually following suit to prevent catching a cold.
WIth a rush of warm air, the vampire and maid had returned from their enthusiastic midnight walk/heist and Remilia uncharacteristically gave a sigh before taking off her mob cap to reveal the rest of her naturally purplish blue hair, messily flopping down and giving the feared lord of the night a more casual look. "The fairy maids are off duty, I assume?"
A curt nod was all that Remilia needed to let her hair down more metaphorically as she breathed a sigh, this time being one of relief. "If you don't mind, I'd like to show you something before I turn in for the evening." Her haughty tone had all but disappeared at this point, leaving just a childish voice with the twinges of calm wisdom in its wake.
Not even needing to beckon Sakuya to follow her, Remilia silently made her way across the mansion to her quarters, only the sound of soft footsteps on carpet punctuating the silent halls. The long, winding hallways combined with Remilia's calmness made for an eerie aura, as if the maid was being led to her death.
After several agonizing minutes of near silence down the regal halls, the most guarded room in the entirety of the Scarlet Devil Mansion finally came into view, radiating with numerous magical wards designed to entirely keep out unwanted visitors, ranging from silent alarms that warned Sakuya and Remilia themselves to an enchanted lock that had one key in all of Gensokyo that worked on it, along with enough protection barriers to even survive a certain younger sister's wrath.
Passing by the janitorial supply closet, Remilia pulled out her bedroom key and simply unlocked her quarters, guarded by the strongest ward of all… Common courtesy.
Turning to her loyal maid, Remilia gave a look at the nervous shuffle Sakuya was currently doing. "Don't give me that look, if anyone in Gensokyo doesn't need an invite to my bedroom, it's you."
The Scarlet Devil maid's face matched her title as she made no attempt to keep her composure, barely able to remain balanced as she teetered in, closing the door politely before locking it tight.
"Make yourself at home, I guess." Remilia flung her mob cap onto one of the bedposts, it spinning around on the wooden sphere before resting nicely as Sakuya's thoughts screeched to a halt.
"Make myself at home?" The maid almost instinctively took off her apron and maid cap, hanging them up on the hooks on the door. "I guess it's my time then, Lady Remilia has no more use for me and I serve as a mere meal to her. It's because of that lamprey, isn't it?" She mentally chastised herself while her maid dress was lifted over her head before unceremoniously flopping to the ground. "A maid is not meant to lower her guard at something as meager as food… That was some great eel, though- Dammit Sakuya! This is why the mistress is getting rid of you!"
"Sakuya!" The maid was snapped out of her thoughts by Remilia snapping her fingers, hovering at face height with a look of concern and disgust upon her features. "When I said 'Make yourself at home' I didn't mean strip off to your unmentionables!"
Sakuya looked down at her underwear-clad body and back to Remilia. "Is my body not enough to.. Satisfy you?"
Remilia gave another look in response. "I don't know what the unholy Hell you think I meant, but my bed doesn't have room for two!"
Sakuya realized what Remilia was mistaking her stripping for and quickly backed off, even more scarlet than before. "M-My apologies Lady Remilia! I thought you wanted rid of me, s-so I decided to expose my neck for you to have your way-"
"Stop! Stop!" Remilia curled up into a ball, cringing heavily for several moments as the mental image of that filled her mind, visibly creasing and trying not to upchuck her own lamprey.
After several awkward moments (Which Sakuya took to put her dress back on, thankfully) Remilia unfurled herself with a sigh. "Sakuya, you're more than the chief maid. You're my friend, my guardian and my moral compass at times. Why would I give all that up for a simple snack?"
"Is it because my blood type is your favourite?" Sakuya answered honestly.
"Rhetorical. Question. Sakuya." Annoyance filled the devil's tone as she massaged her temple. "The point is that I brought you here to show you my new strategy."
Marching over to a conveniently placed chalkboard, the vampire flipped it around to reveal a lot of writing. A list of important Gensokyo residents, a crudely drawn recreation of the clearing near the Scarlet Devil Mansion neatly plotted out with various numbers, two of which were crossed out already. "You know of the Hakurei festivals Reimu hosts occasionally?"
"Against her will." Sakuya muttered under her breath but let Remilia continue.
"Well, what if I hosted my own festival under the next full moon? Live music, food stands, alcohol, all the works right outside our front gate!" She explained with genuine excitement in her voice, her tiny fists clenched with the mere thought of being hailed on the same level as the legendary Shrine Maiden of Paradise and her parties. It was a simple dream, if not a stupid one for the childish immortal, but you had to pass the time somehow, right?
"That seems… excessive." Sakuya finally said after some silence. "You're meant to be a feared lord of the night, after all."
Remilia shrugged with a carefree expression clear across her face. "Being feared is one thing, but you're practically on the same level of the shrine maiden by now, no?"
"No." Sakuya said with no room for negotiation. "I simply helped resolve a few incidents because they suited my interests. Take that one incident with the inchling for instance, my blades were simply acting out of line and wished to see what was causing their disturbance. Nothing more than self-interest."
The maid lied as naturally as she breathed. Ever since the Scarlet Mist incident, any excuse to shirk her given duties to fight some youkai was a welcome change of pace outside of the daily grind. Even if at first she wasn't fully on board with the idea of helping the shrine maiden, their goals aligned just enough at times to consider her a trusted acquaintance.
If nothing else, she wasn't constantly stealing books from the library.
"Well, it's a night off, isn't it?" The vampire flashed a toothy grin, her fangs glinting under the lightbulb's glare. "That aside, we could make many new friends dancing under the shine of the moon, guests at this fine manor… Allies in a future takeover attempt." She muttered that last one to not raise Sakuya's concerns. "Besides, I've already sent out two invites written in my own blood, you know I have to maintain that promise."
Sakuya blinked at her mistresses' audacity. A contract signed in blood was second to a vampire inviting you into their chambers as a sign of trust and a blood-signed scroll was practically a life-debt, a promise of that contract being fulfilled no matter what needed to be done.
"Milady, isn't that a little extreme? Signing your name in blood-"
"Relax, I made sure that the promises were fairly minor. Just permission to sell or perform at the festival with my backing to ensure they'll take me at face value." She explained with a smile, taking a moment to make sure both Mokou and Mystia's name were crossed out properly.
"Of course, milady. But you only left for your evening walk earlier, why is Miss Fujiwara's name crossed out?"
"Ah, I sent Meiling on a little task." She explained succinctly. "Don't bother yourself about it, she'll be back by daybreak. And besides..."
Vampires are now gloating...
"Alright, have a good evening, little one." The flame spirit rubbed the kappa with a smile on her face, the moon giving Mokou a sense of radiance as she waved off the first-time worker. With a sigh, she prepared to make the trek back to her shack when a tap to her should caused her to spin around, fists clenched and ready to throw down, only to see a beret-topped girl clad in green bowing, arm outstretched with a scroll of paper in hand.
"For you, Miss Fujiwara." The gatekeeper said simply before handing off the letter and spinning on her heel and sprinting off back to the Scarlet Devil Mansion, leaving the immortal slightly confused (and a tad offended by the usage of her former family's name over Mokou) but it was too late to confront Hong Meiling now, merely a speck in the distance.
With a shrug, she simply walked down the path of the maze of bamboo, destined to be treaded eternally by the world-weary guide and all who want to navigate it.
Tuning out the world around her, it wasn't long before Mokou found her home, a simple wooden shack in some need of refurbishment. "Gotta get some planks next I'm in the Human Village." She thought to herself before igniting the torches flanking her home, providing a small beacon in the vast forest and providing a reading light as she unfurled her new scroll.
You're Hired!
The Vampire Lord of the Night, Remilia Scarlet of the Scarlet Devil Mansion has requested your presence on the night of the next full moon for the Scarlet Devil Moon Festival!
You will be paid for a full evening's work as an employee of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, along with the protection of the mansion's chief maid and owner if the need arises.
Your attendance will be welcome! (and mandatory)
Remilia Scarlet
"It's not like Mokou could refuse my generous 'offer', regardless of her opinion on me." Remilia stated smugly, starting to hover excitedly in the air, wings fluttering excitedly as giddy laughter filled the room. "Once I gather my 'willing' employees, then we can start preparations for the Scarlet Devil Moon Festival! Ahahaha! AHHAHA-"
"The title is too long." Sakuya cut in. "If your primary objective is to host the largest party possible, then you will need a more... Catchy title." She took a moment to cast an aside glance. "I'm sure people will understand that this festival was created by you with just your last name is all, milady."
Looking to where Sakuya was, a visible question mark appeared over Remilia's capless head as she looked back at Sakuya. "Whatever could you be staring at?"
Ignoring the question, Sakuya approached the chalkboard and picked up a nearby rag, wiping off the word "Devil" before stepping back, the title being much more succinct.
"Scarlet Moon Festival…" Remilia read the words aloud and nodded sagely, still hovering. "See, this is why I wanted to go over this before I sent out more contracts… That and ask for help with extracting more blood." A small blush flushed across her cheeks as she side-eyed the bloodstained wall where her last attempt at filling her inkwell went horribly, horribly wrong.
With a wry smile, Sakuya took another aside glance eastwards at one of the ornately decorated windows, seeing the giant flaming death ball slowly peek out from the horizon. "Should we continue this in the evening?" She helpfully suggested with a knowing head tilt and crossed arms.
"Sakuya please, I need my bout of evil laughter." She raised her head and arms with a deft cough. "Soon, all of Gensokyo will see me as the superior festivities holder! Ahahaha! AHAHHAA! AHAH- AAAAAAA BY YATAGARASU'S THIRD LEG!"
The dawning light finally hit Remilia's left wing, irritating the membrane and causing the vampire lord to lose her balance and fall onto her left wing, twitching in agony as the vampire lord looked more like a fly had just impacted a window at top speed before pushing herself back up, looking at her now bent wing with a wince and a hurt look on her face.
"We will continue after that blasted sun has set." Remilia finally said with a sigh of defeat.
A/N: You know this was going to be a ~1000 word shitpost story about Reimu getting high off her tits, I don't even know when the festival part came into being, but I assure you this is going somewhere magical.
Hopefully. I have failed before.
Omake:
"Hmm." A certain hell raven mused to herself. "I think someone called out to Lord Yatagarasu again."
"Was it an actual prayer or just another scream of agony?"
"Something like 'By Yatagarasu's third leg' or something? Kinda fuzzy."
"Ignore it." The satori sighed as she got back to her book. "As a branch shrine, you have more important duties. Now make sure those eggs don't burn."
"Aye aye!" Utsuho Reiuji saluted before laser focusing on the eggs currently cooking in the iron skillet.
… They were chicken eggs, of course. Utsuho had lost her ability to lay eggs after becoming one with Yatagarasu.
At least, that's what Satori Komejii hoped.
The last thing she needed was another Utsuho in her life.