Chapter 20

After Charlie's birthday, I felt if I wasn't around Charlie or Bryan I couldn't protect them. When I was little it was just me. My parents did everything they could to make sure I felt safe and loved. I was always so sure that it would be that way forever. The responsibility wasn't mine. I could live my life without constant fear that something may happen to those I loved.

When Charlie came along, I decided right then and there that leading a normal life would protect him from the dangers outside of the universe. When Bryan came along I thought we'd face normal everyday problems; but I was wrong about that too. Becoming a wife and mother; and trying to be as strong as I was before became unbearable. I can't do that anymore no matter how hard I try. No matter the distractions. I can't breathe. I can't feel that happiness I had before. Daddy's happy girl was gone and I wasn't sure if I could bring her back. I started to put on weight and I even missed a few days of my internship. It got to the point where I didn't care what my house looked like. I didn't care what I looked like. I just didn't care.

It was almost 7:30am. I got up and took a shower. I didn't even care what I wore. I threw on a T-shirt with one of Charlie's hoodies and a pair of sweat pants. I then put on my pair of dirty converse shoes. I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth.

I stared long and hard at myself. I wasn't even the Harmione I remembered. My eyes were puffy deep in their sockets with dark circles under my eyes. My skin was pale, my nails were gone; chewed right down to the nub. They were bloody and revolting. My pores cried out for moisturize. I put my hair up in a short messy ponytail.

I sighed and gulped to myself. There was a lump in my throat that wasn't going away. The last time I ever felt this way was during my eating disorder. I had bottled up my feelings and had pretended I was okay for almost 15 years. I couldn't hide my hurt any longer. Dad was always afraid that this might happen to me. I have to say I repressed so many painful memories I thought this much depression would never happen to me. It hit me so hard and so fast that I didn't know what to do.

I sniffled and took some toilet paper and tried to wipe my tears away and blew my nose. I leaned on the sink counter. I've spent 15 years fighting my emotions alone. I thought I could do that forever. I slowed down my breathing and closed my eyes. When I opened them again I saw Charlie's reflection behind me in the mirror. I've been so on edge that I was startled by his appearence. I screamed and he grabbed my shoulders.

"Sorry! Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you."

I breathed heavily and turned to face him. We hugged. As he held me, I felt his hand stroke my back up to my neck.

"You alright?"

"Yeah..." I said softly and wiped under my eye.

I wanted him. More than I have ever wanted anyone. As if my entire world counted on his very existence. As if, if something was to kill him now I would die too. I wrapped my arms around his neck. I jumped into his arms and wrapped my legs around his waist. He held me and carried me to the bedroom. He gently sat down on the bed with me. I sat in his lap clinging to him with my everything.

"Har...I'm gonna go get Bryan so we can take him to Jen's and then we'll go get breakfast okay?"

I nodded.

"But you got to let go of me."

I gently let go. He grabbed my face and kissed me. His wedding band on his finger and his watch on his left wrist. The kiss felt amazing.

"Alright...now I'll be right back."

He quickly ran back to the door.

"Bryan! Let's go!" He shouted as entered Bryan's bedroom. It was quiet for a bit. I began to get anxious. My memory flashed to Bryan and his darling little face. I saw that seizure he had a second time. I was on the verge of a breakdown. My emotions felt as high as my blood pressure. My anxiety made my heart jump out of my chest. Echoes of voices of the past was deafining to my ears. I began to sweat. Nothing was making the uneasiness go away. The uncertainty. I wanted to put my head through a wall. I whimpered to myself. I sobbed loudly.

Charlie ran in the bedroom.

"Harmione!" Charlie embraced me. I just held tight to him.

"Whatever this is...pent up sadness or loneliness, or built up frustration or all the above, you are not going to go through it alone...I promise."

I sobbed into his chest. He held the back of my head. We didn't go to breakfast that morning. We all stayed home. Being around my family eased me some. It was when I was alone my pain felt unreal. My fear overcame every part of me when I was alone. As we sat at the kitchen table eating breakfast our doorbell rang. Charlie left to answer it.

"Harmione, it's for you!" He called. I was confused. I entered the living room over to our entry way.

"Daddy..." I spoke out.

"Hey babygirl."

I sighed.

Dad took me to the lake. We walked around for a while as he began to talk to me.

"And anyway...about an hour ago Charlie called...said he was real worried about you...said he needed help to help you...your Mom you know she put herself through all kinds of mental abuse...but she told me no one could relate to you more than me."

"I'm sorry...I didn't mean to worry everyone...its just...I'm so afraid..."

"Har...come here..."

Dad took me over to a bench. We sat down by the lake. There was a breeze in the air and the fresh smell of pine. It was tranquil enough to put me at ease to truly listen to Dad's every word.

"I was 16...okay...I know you'll be 22 soon...but age doesn't make your pain any less different than mine..."

As Dad began to speak I conjured up images in my mind.

"I was 16...your cousin Gwen and Kevin were off to college."

"Seems a little young Dad."

"Just listen okay...We were chasing Zombozo across the rooftops. He had stolen a brain from a brain bank. We caught up to him as he crashed into an old building.

"Really Zombozo, what kinda sicko steals from a brain bank?" Gwen asked in stern disgust.

"Why does Bellwood even have a brain bank?" Kevin replied after.

Just then Zombozo stretched gis arm like an accordion ti snatch the brain away from Kevin.

"Thank you my boy. The mind is a terrible thing to waste." He exclaimed and jumped from the broken window.

I followed him and transformed into. Lodestar im order to stop him. Before I could, Kevin had already transformed. I tossed him at Zombozo. Gwen managed to fire a ray of mana at him. Using my powers of magnetic energy I took the brain from him. Combined we tied him up and left him for the Plumbers to find. It was then Gwen brought up a conversation we had been talking about for months. See we fought aliens so much that we had to do something to advance our education. I was lucky to even finish high school. Gwen and Kevin each a skill set. Skills they could advance through technical school or even community college. They made an effort that year to gain the necessary grades and courses to graduate early. I couldn't figure out why they were doing that until later.

I tried to stay positive. Just because they wanted to go to college didn't mean they couldn't stay and help fight against bad guys anymore.

"I told you, we've spent years saving the world, I just wanna see some of what I've been saving." Gwen told me somberly. I understood, but it didn't make it any easier.

I looked Dad in the eyes. I began to see a lining of tears. Even after all this time his heart still felt life's stings.

"Look Har...when they left I had to sit and think that the older we get the farther apart we drift. The new families we make. The new friendships we form. To sit and accept that has been one of the hardest damn things to do. To try to relish in the fact we're adults. You'd think I'd come down from my cloud and put myself into reality, but no. It still hurts. But being near them, telling them I love them; I did it for a straight up fear something may happen and they won't be there for me to tell them that too. The only way I can show my love, support, and admiration is just to tell them everyday or ever other day. I didn't think when I cut. I didn't think when I attempted suicide. I was and have been selfish these many years. But the one thing I have never ever lost sight of was just how much I love them and just how much I want to take care of them and keep them with me. Always. I cherish our old times and miss them everyday. I look forward to creating new memories but the past will always be misses by me and I'm sorry I can't correct that. Even now.

But I had to be realistic. I had to have acceptance. I had to let everyone live their own lives. I had to let them go. To have their own time. I had too. I don't mean anything bad by saying that nor does it mean we can't spend time together like that always but I had to be real. It's just a fact. I don't know how they got over it so quickly and moved on like the past never happened at all, maybe it's just because I got a good memory. But it's something I will always battle. Its something that will never go away even with medication, therapy or anything else."

He gently touched my hand.

"And you can't live in fear everyday of your life...a life left to live in darkness is no life at all...I found your mother...We had you and I knew that things were different and that in a second I could lose either of you...believe me Harmione it was hard...it still is...I worry about you everyday I wake up, just like I worry about your mother, and Jesse, and Justice. That worry and that fear will never go away, but you can't let that stop you from living."

I began to cry softly. Not sad tears, but tears if relief. Daddy understood so much.

"You were just a baby...but you were crying. Hope was at work...I had never been a father before...but your cries worried me so much I punched my hand through our microwave."

"Daddy!"

"I know...I know...so when you feel like doing that...or even feel like crying, remind yourself that you've pushed past each and everything that got in your way or hurt you before, and you can do again...but if you don't feel okay...it's okay to not feel okay Har...cry."

Tears streamed down my face.

"It makes you human...and never forget that."

He embraced me. It had been a while since I had a deep talk with Dad. It had been awhile since I hugged him the way I did. I felt our hearts in the hug. He allowed me to cry into his chest.

"You know what else you could do Harmione?"

"What's that Daddy?" I asked as I wiped my face.

"Act like a dweeb!" Dad shouted and ran into the lake.

"Daddy!"

"Come on Harmione!"

I laughed and followed him in. He splashed me. I scoffed out another laugh as the water hit the side of my face. I splashed him back. Dad laughed and kicked the water my way. I slipped and fell on my butt in the water. I screamed loudly. Dad tried to help me up but he was laughing to hard.

I realized then that every joke my dad ever told. Every time he acted like a dweeb, it was how my Daddy hid and eased his pain. I couldn't believe the strength he carried. Being his daughter I knew I could do the same.

Things were going to be alright. Harmione Kay LeMay Tennyson was once again Ben Tennyson's happy girl.