The Misadventures of Bass

by lunateix

Bass is the most powerful Robot Master in existence. At least that's what he tells himself. Join him on his ego trip through the average days of a Robot Master in Wily's Castle.

1. This is my life

Some Author's Notes: Welcome to The Misadventures of Bass. I made the first episode a while back and did nothing with it. Now I have the need to just share it. This morning, I thought, "Gee, wouldn't it be convenient to put this somewhere where people come to read fiction?" and well...here ya go.

I'm a sucker for reviews and comments

I don't own Megaman or any characters...nor Batman...nor Transformers...nor Teen Titans...just read and you'll understand

--------------------

"Okay, let's see…I think I have all I need…countless fodder robots, weird techno music, needless dungeons that I'll only use once but probably cost me billions of dollars to design, really crappy and easily solvable traps and puzzles that will only serve to annoy Megaman, those neat helmets of him that give him extra lives, eight powerful, yet easily destroyable Robot Masters that will only serve to make Megaman stronger, my giant skull-shaped robot that only takes damage if I'm hit in the face…to which I'll readily expose, and my egg ship…'cause I like the classics."

That is my boss…the 'ingenious' Dr. Wily. Me, I'm Bass, the most powerful Robot Master…EVER. If anyone tries to tell you otherwise, they're just jealous of my INCREDIBLE power. Especially Megaman. Just because he continually wins and I've yet to actually DEFEAT him does NOT mean he's stronger than me!

I'd just come online and went for a cup of coffee-don't ask why I can drink coffee-and he was already starting the day like usual…like an idiot.

"Dr. Wily," I started, "What are you doing? It's 5am…" "Ahh, Bass! Good to see you awake! I'm going to destroy Megaman today and TAKE OVER THE WORLD! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Putting my hand over my face as he stood there laughing like a moron, I sighed and said, "Dr., please…all you're gonna do is wake up the others and I'm not ready yet for another day of unmitigated stupidity. I mean by now you know the drill, you're gonna attack Megaman, he's gonna take ONE look at your robots, blow them to hell, steal their powers, and whoop your ass again. Give it up already." "WHAT?" I guess I stirred something in him. He'd stopped his maniacal tirade and stared at me like I'd taken an exhaust leak on the pope or something.

"How DARE you even CONSIDER my surrender to that freaky, little, blue boy!" he barked at me. "Dr. Wily, that 'freaky, little, blue boy' has been kicking your ass for years, it's time to give it up." Dr. Wily did that thing he does, you know, that whole holding his hands up in the air, letting his eyes roll back into his head, that continuous bobbing of his body, that thing where he just starts laughing uncontrollably with his mouth horrendously open…god I hate organics.

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I'll show you Bass! Today is the day I'll defeat MEGAMAN! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Yeah, these were those opportunities where I could bring his idiocy to my advantage. I narrowed my eyes and stared at him. "Really, how much you wanna bet?" I asked, quickly grabbing his attention. "Huh, what's this Bass? You question me?" "Only every day I'm functioning properly." I smirked, I so love pushing Wily's buttons.

"Very well, I'll take your bet, but when I defeat Megaman, YOU'LL have to suffer Crashman's cooking!" Ugh…somehow…Crashman has the third highest kill ratio of Robot Masters, next to Skullman and me on a bad day...I mean, we do have to eat, mainly because Dr. Wily's a MORON and thought it'd be a good idea. We pick who cooks through the luck of draw and somehow Crashman's cooking is so bad that it usually triggers…I dunno, some sort of self-destruct mechanism in us. "Fine Wily," I said, "But when you come back with a hole in your head thanks to a buster shot, I get to lead the next scheme to rule the world!"

"YOU, take over the world?" Yech, he did that laughing thing again. See, this is what I don't get about you organics. No natural defenses, no built-in weapons, you're basically monkeys with half the capabilities and somehow you consider yourselves higher then…well…ME. "Yes, Dr. Wily, I could most certainly conquer this planet a lot easier then you could." I sipped my coffee and held out a complacent hand to him-I could smell another bet in the future…

Aggravated I guess, Dr. Wily took everything he packed and left the castle…which…means I was in charge…yet AGAIN. Yeesh, the Robot Masters, aside from yours truly, have the combined intellect of some mentally challenged four year old!

I had taken a step out to the living room-Yes, yes, we have a living room-and Cutman was already…ugh…trying to stick his scissors in an electrical socket. A slight glance to the left and I saw Plantman and Fireman talking…plant and fire, this wouldn't turn out well.

Apparently Fireman said something funny because Plantman laughed and patted him on the back…or…TRIED to and it might have worked if that flaming top of Fireman's didn't catch Plantman's arm on fire. Now me, being the RESPONSIBLE Robot Master, did the mature thing.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! BURN PLANTMAN, BURN! BURN you miserable excuse for a robotic chia pet!" Now, granted the other Robot Masters were laughing, but none of them were doing it quite as hard as I was…what? I enjoy seeing others suffer, it's like…one of the few perks of my day.

Once again, Robot Master stupidity comes into play. That arrogant bastard Tenguman had heard the screaming and had deployed that crappy tri-star thingy and said "Don't worry, I, TENGUMAN, shall blow the flames away!" Plantman started waving his arms like it wasn't necessary, naturally sending embers in all directions, putting more things on fire, including Dr. Wily's self portrait...yay. "Nonsense Plantman, I, TENGUMAN, shall save you! TORNADO HOLD!"

Now, and pay attention, this was brilliant, he doesn't blow the flames out…he FANS them. Now even MORE of Plantman is on fire AND Woodman's now on fire. Boy, I would have been laughing at that scene for hours if Aquaman hadn't come along. Granted Plantman and Woodman are nothing but fine ashes right now, but at least They'll get put back together when Wily gets back. Whether he'll be too depressed or not to actually get on them RIGHT AWAY, I can't say for sure.

Two Robot Masters dead thanks to one of Fireman's crappy jokes and Tenguman's big head, the closing chance to lead my own mission to conquer the world, and the fact that no one's asked me about my coffee addiction all day…things were looking up…then HE showed up.

"Oh Bass honey, there you are!"

Ugh…Starman. Let me fill you in on Starman. First off, his original name was Heartman…PINK Heartman. All his powers really did was make floating, pink hearts appear…they didn't really do anything, but they made great nightlights for Pharaohman-something about being locked in a coffin makes him freak out in the dark. Wait a tic, I'm ranting off-topic…anyways, how did Pink Heartman end up coming to be?

Well he came first, so I'm a little iffy on the specifics. All I know is it involved drinking, mushrooms, Donkey Kong, and an eye-patch. When I was first activated, it wasn't because Wily had turned me on…note to self, never say that again…but it was because HEARTMAN was STROKING me…Jesus!

We would leave on hard, brutal missions and come back to the castle to see pink hearts floating about and Elton John music playing…not to mention Michael Jackson kept coming over…and some of the larger Robot Masters (Usually Gutsman or Hardman) would wake up and their USB ports were sticky. I don't wanna know.

Anyways, I personally led the petition to get his name and powers changed, although Dr. Wily figured his personality was fine and decided to leave it. Did I mention I hate organics? "Oh Bass!" Starman was standing behind me, I turned and saw him doing that…ugh…that whole hand on hip while shaking said hips thing. I sighed, "What is it Starman?" "I hear you're taking bets with Dr. Wily again!"

Oh boy, word travels fast through this place. "Yes, and I'm going to win…naturally." I gave a V for Victory sign in triumph when he replied, "Oh Bass…you have so much arrogance, sooner or later you're gonna lose to his bets and you'll end up having to clean Dustman or worse, eat Crashman's cooking!"

Dustman sucks and blows air like a big vacuum cleaner on crack. Worst of all, he doesn't really have a bag to collect the dust, so it just kinda gets clogged in there. He's built to take it, but only so much, so one of us has to clean the big lug. It's usually Wily since no one cares about his dust allergies and the dust is enough to clog us and shut us down. Still, every now and then, Wily makes one of us clean him as punishment.

Then there's Crashman's cooking again. EVERYONE knows how bad Crashman's cooking is. Well, it all started out with Crashman cooking a thanksgiving feast for Dr. Wily. He figured he could do it since he thought he did such a great job with the Robot Masters-and not to make fun of Crashman, I think most Robot Masters have this problem, seeing as how the majority of us lack taste buds-well Dr. Wily takes one bite out of the turkey, looks at Crashman, and locks off the kitchen to all Robot Masters under level one clearance. That means only me, Enker, Quint, and Punk can get in…this means that one of us MUST be present for ANYONE to cook, which means more annoyances for me.

"The bet IS for Crashman's cooking." Starman's jaw dropped to my statement and to put his mind at ease, I said, "It's fine, the bet IS whether or not he can beat MEGAMAN." Sure I consoled him even though I hate him. It's better than him crying and asking for a hug.

Starman instantly regained himself. "Oh," I think he was batting his eyes at me, "Well then it looks like your sweet, sizzling bacon is safe for another day." My sweet, sizzling bacon? What the hell is this guy's problem? My SWEET, SIZZLING BACON? The guy might as well strip down to his circuits, paint himself in rainbow effect, and run down screaming in a city, calling himself Captain One Eyed Goblin...okay, yeah, I'm biased of him. He stares at my bare circuits when I'm taking a sonic shower, he has a small chibi doll of me he SLEEPS with, and at the Christmas party, he just outright came on to me…can you blame me? My sweet, sizzling bacon, really! Did he just say that? He did, I'm going to have to kill him one day. Not the normal way where Dr. Wily rebuilds him, but a permanent way where it's so bad that when Dr. Wily tries, he comes back as an iPod.

I thought I might have to suffer the indignity of having to spend…TIME with Starman, when Skullman and Astroman came barging in.

There's one rule for hanging out with either of them…DON'T. Astroman's scared of his own shadow…if you BLINK, he'll have a panic attack…though that does make him funny to pick on when you're bored. That…and when he gets talking…he gets talking fast and you don't know what the hell kind of gibberish is spewing out of his mouth…

As for Skullman…he's not funny to make fun of, he's dangerous to make fun of. He has the highest kill ratio for Robot Masters…it's not Megaman, it's HIM…he kills the ones that haven't even HEARD of Megaman yet, let alone seen him. I mean turn your back on him and he's gonna rip your spine out and strangle you with it…then…stab you to death with it…-Sigh- poor, poor Kendoman.

Anyways, it didn't take more then one second to have Astroman start babbling, naturally making me wish I had ears so they could bleed. It probably would have helped me deal with his incessant rambling…

"Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, ohmygosh!" Oh god, here it comes. Here comes that insane rambling that just goes on and on and on with no relief in sight. "SKULLMANKILLEDCOILMANANDSLASHMANTHENHIDT HEIRBODIESINTHECOMPOSTHEAPFORTHEGARDENOU TBACKOHGODOHGODOHGOD!"

I sighed and backhanded him with my buster. "BREATHE!" he screamed, "WHY IS IT SO HARD TO BREATHE?" I had to smack him again. "You DON'T breathe, you idiot!" "OH GOD! I'M DEAD! DEAR GOD! I…I…I KNEW THIS DAY WOULD COMENOWI'LLNEVERKNOWTRUELOVEANDWILLHAVETOHAUNTWIL YCASTLEFORALLETERNITY!" Skullman perked at the sound of death, to which I cast him a glare that made even him shrink back in fear.

Then I hit Astroman again. He needed it, I needed it, I needed to do it again regardless of how he was. "Now Astroman, calm down and put spaces between your words." That should be simple enough, I mean he should be getting tired with all that rambling. "Skullman…killed Coilman and Slashman…and hid…hid their bodies…in the compost heap out back…oh god, oh god, ohgodohgodohgod…" "WHAT?" started Skullman as I stared at him with bewilderment. I mean I knew he was nuts, so I shouldn't look so shocked, but ah well. "They were ASKING me to kill them!"

Robot Masters asking to be killed…that doesn't work out here, half the Robot Masters here are scared to go outside because they think Megaman's gonna pop out of the sidewalk and rip them a new processor, so I crossed my arms and narrowed my eyes at him, "Really? Did they look at you and say 'Please Skullman, kill us, we don't want to live anymore!' or was it something else?" "Well…" he looked off to the side, "They didn't say to kill them…as much…as…okay, yeah, I took them out back and drowned them in pure coolant."

I can't believe who I'm surrounded by…"And Astroman's wrong! I didn't just BURY them…I also ripped their heads off and shoved them on pikes so I could display them in the front yard for all the world to see…" I checked the HUD on my buster…it was only 9:15am. This was gonna be a LONG day.

I had decided to make sure Skullman didn't kill anyone else that day by sticking him in a room with a few of those Green Devils. You know the kind, the ones that are made out of gel with that one big eye. Yeah, I still half expected him to gouge the eye out with something simplistic, like a damn toothbrush, but I had hope… as for Astroman…left him alone with Starman, problem solved.

I had gotten to my private spot in the castle, this neat one where you get a great view of the satellite dish and the deathrays. I had a picnic chair set up and I had leaned back into it with a fresh cup of coffee and my newspaper…when Swordman walked up to me looking terrible. "BASS!" he didn't wait to finish his words before throwing himself at my feet. "What'd you do this time, Swordman?" "I…they…oh god! I killed them! Turboman and Clownman and Dynamoman! I killed them!"

"Well," I shrugged off their deaths, "It's not like you did anything BAD…I mean…I hated them." "But they were my little buddies! We were chugging a little Vira-hol" booze for Robot Masters, strong stuff too…took down Gutsman for a week after he tried to chug a keg. "And well…we got a little giddy…and they wanted to brush their teeth…and put toothpaste on my sword…and I…I decapitated them!"

Okay, whoa. They put toothpaste…on his sword. They put TOOTHPASTE on his SWORD…there are no words to express how STUPID that is…"And they didn't use their OWN toothbrushes, why?" "Well they looked for them, but couldn't find them…" So it constitutes them pulling suicide…I'm starting to hate Robot Masters as much as I do organics…but I looked into that big idiot's eyes…god you can't hate Swordman, he's probably writing it off as a dishonorable kill and that's never good for his programming…

When it was his turn to fight Megaman, he was so blasted noble that he gave Megaman the first move…which turned out to be a fully-charged buster shot, so he was instantly destroyed…so I patted him on the shoulder, "It's okay Swordman, it's okay…besides, those Robot Masters sucked. I mean come on…Clownman was designed for reaching and grabbing, Dynamoman was like a sad attempt to remake Elecman, and Turboman…was just plain gay. It's not like the world is gonna end just because a few robot masters are killed." A few? Wow, how many were actually dead so far? And this wasn't even the afternoon yet…but I had to keep consoling him.

"For every one, TWO will take it's place and together, they'll both have HALF the original one's intellect." Swordman looked up to me, I guess I sparked a glimmer of hope or something…gotta work on that, HOPE…HAH! "Remember when Wily made Balloonman? Then he figured out that he needed to have Robot Masters tag-team Megaman so he had Balloonman fight Megaman…with Needleman? Remember, they shook hands, Balloonman popped, and apparently Wily had lined his inner surface with Nitroglycerin, because it all exploded? MANY Robot Masters died that day, including Treble…of course Dr. Wily almost immediately remade me a new one because I held him over a vat of boiling acid until he agreed to do it, but that's beside the point."

"So…if I hurt Dr. Wily, my friends will come back?" "THAT'S THE TICKET! HURT WILY!" Swordman looked happy enough and hobbled away with a grin on his face, the situation was gonna end bad, and I for one was gonna enjoy it.

Once again, reaching time to myself, I sighed and slumped back into my chair, it was about time I had some relief. Naturally one of the Robot Masters had something to complain about, so, and I don't know which one it was, I just shrugged and blew his blasted head off…then I started eating candy out of it.

The day ran pretty smooth at that point. Some of the other Robot Masters had Pharaohman chase Astroman around the castle for a while…then they chased him into Gutsman's room and he peeled Astroman's armor off like a banana peel and ate his CPU…god that was funny. Although…it was another kill in the list of Robot Masters for the day.

We found some weirdo who called himself Batman that tried to hang out with us…MAN, even Protoman could have killed that guy…and Protoman's useless. I mean seriously, he's like an even gayer Megaman, he doesn't even fight! He just warps into a stage and goes "I opened this door" or something STUPIDER, like coming to say "If you press up on a ladder, you can climb it!" Didn't anyone see that scene where he tried to challenge King one-on-one and King shrugged and chopped him in half? Granted he broke King's shield later on near the last fight, but COME ON, we ALL know he was charging that buster for DAYS and it ONLY broke the shield. He's better off at home, baking cookies with that airhead Roll. Running around with a flowing scarf, yeah, the signs are there, he's just another Starman, except he's still hiding in the closet…oh god, a Closetman.

Note to self, make sure Wily never invents Closetman, it will end in…well…I don't know, all I know is it won't end well for all parties involved. Normally misery is fun, but seeing as how I'll be one of the parties involved…no.

It was a good 2pm and I'd just woken up from a nap. A slight stretch, a discharge of the buster, wounding Shademan, and some quality time with Treble were all great. Heh, told Treble to fetch a bone, he came back with Skullman. Now Skullman just looked different, kinda creepier than he already was. "Oh Ba-asssss…" he started. That's never good. "I think I broke my friends…" he held up an eye belonging to a Green Devil…with a damn toothbrush lodged in it. "Where'd you get a toothbrush," I asked. "Well…Clownman, Dynamoman, and Turboman actually left theirs out in the open, so I decided to use them…and use them I did. Life is sweet…" he actually drooled a bit.

I noticed he was eyeing Treble a bit funny so I smacked him across that failed plaster experiment he calls a head. "No, MY dog!" "I was only gonna eat 'em…" Eat my dog? EAT MY DOG? Do they all have NO CONCEPT of what respect for the possession of others means! I didn't say anything to him, I just took that eye and shoved it up his ass and walked away.

Apparently all the other Robot Masters were mortified of the whole me shoving a giant, metal eye in Skullman's ass, because EVERYONE left me alone…except Starman. That actually turned him on…so instead of dealing with his stupidity, I just stuck a magnet on his head and watched him hop around like a bunny, screaming he was Popeye and Megatron had stolen his batarang. Of course this all ends in him getting himself reformatted and thinking he was Pink Heartman again, running around, waving a little wand in the air, screaming something about Sailor Moon.

Naturally, rather then actually DEAL with him, I just let him run around the castle in one of those cute sailor scout outfits…I quickly heard Hardman say "OOH! YOU LIKE A PURTY LIDDLE GIRL!" and then I heard screaming…lots of it. After about an hour, Starman wandered back in wearing lingerie…I didn't wanna know…consequently he had also made about five thousand Zenny and had the scent of various Robot Masters over him…I hate Robot Masters…I hate organics…especially since one gave me a sense of SMELL…

Four in the afternoon and no Dr. Wily, granted the guy's a buffoon, but I still worry about him. As if hearing my cry over the cosmos, my worries are answered by that weird putt-putt noise his egg-ship makes when it's heavily damaged. Not too long afterwards, Dr. Wily came in through the gate, blackened with soot and stained with his own tears, vomit…and urine. "You're on fire," was all I said. Hey, it was true, his hair was actually on fire. "Huh? Oh it is? Sorry, haven't noticed…" Poor guy…"Got your butt handed to you by Megaman again, huh?"

"OH BASS!" He…he hugged me…jeez, now I'm gonna have to polish my armor…yet again. "It was awful! My Robot Masters didn't even stand a chance against him! Turns out he DIDN'T lose his powers from the other Robot Masters, they were there all along! He pulled Astroman's Astro Crush and OBLITERATED my new fortress, he SKIPPED the eight levels! He was just blowing everything to hell! I actually had my Robot Masters gang up on him and he used that move where he fuses with that stupid dog of his!"

I had to twitch an eye at that comment, I mean what does he think my Gospel Boost is? It's the SAME THING, just cooler. Ugh, had to get the ole fogey's mind back on the here and now. "Well, looks like you lost your bet, ya wanker." "WHAT?" If Dr. Wily ever has a problem, have a Robot Master talk back to him, he'll automatically snap out of it. "Yeah, you heard me, you Gamecock dropout!" "I went to YALE, not USC, and YOU know it!" "I know you got beaten up in Yale, EVERY DAY…you were beaten up by RICH BOYS AND NERDS." "BASS! You can't talk to me that way! I created you!" "I saw the tapes of that day, Wily. You made me, yeah, but it was an accident! You were trying to build a bookshelf and spilled coffee all over the instructions and somehow made me!"

Wily looked shocked, "After all the finish I used to gloss your wooden surface, you betrayed me and became a Robot Master I can't control!" "Gee Wily, how stupid do you have to be to start with wood and end up with metal?" "Bass, I'll deactivate you!" "You wouldn't last ONE day without me here. The other Robot Masters would just shoot out webs of stupidity and drive you insane." "What are you trying to say Bass? I need no one!" "Then why do you keep making Robot Masters?" He froze and looked away. "Oh, and you can leave the next mission entirely to me. Oh, what's the matter, don't tell me you forgot our little bet."

He didn't forget. Wily may act like an idiot, but he's still one of the most intelligent men in the world. Granted I don't find organics to be too intelligent, but they still invented a superior breed of life, namely Robot Masters like myself. Wily didn't forget our bet. He'd just pretend he did in the hopes that I'd forget. When he realized that wouldn't work, well it's always time for Plan B.

"Bass, you...you can't seriously be planning to hold me to that wager!" He quickly shouted his response like my plans would be the end of the world. "Oh you bet I am, Doc. And unlike you, I think I'll start by sending ALL the Robot Masters at Megaman." Sure, I knew it was gonna end up in a damn conga line since...they're all idiots, but it would accomplish ONE thing...getting rid of them.

I glanced over to Star...er...Pink Heartman...and there he was, humping a lamp. "Ya know, I think I'll send him on a solo mission," I said to myself, but I heard a blood-curdling scream from behind as I turned my back to him and looked back. He...was dead. Next to him, Skullman was standing, halfway covered in fluids and wearing Starman's face over his head. "What?" he had already taken the defensive, "It's a hat." I turned to Dr. Wily and said, "See, this is why you need to start pouring coffee on more of your schematics." Dr. Wily scowled, and was PROBABLY going to say something to me, but as he tried, one of those giant hammers you see girls wield on those anime shows came down and bashed him in the head. Looking up and laughing at the top of my lungs, I saw Swordman with that hammer saying, "Did I do good?" "You did real good, you did real good. Now after he regains consciousness, make him rebuild your friends."

"MY FRIENDS," Swordman shouted to the heavens, "I HAVE AVENGED THEE!" "Uhm…Swordman," I said, "Wouldn't avenging them…be like taking your own life?" I realized who I was talking to and clamped my mouth shut. I prayed he wouldn't get any ideas of suicide. Not like it would be bad, it'd just be another one of those situations where Wily spends more time rebuilding defective Robot Masters instead of at least TRYING to make better ones.

Swordman lumbered off, apparently smart enough to realize suicide wasn't called for, and I smiled. This place has its ups and downs...you just gotta weather through them. It had already gotten late, so I retired to my room...and locked the door. "Well Bass," I said to myself, "It's been a long day and it won't get any better, but you'll handle it, because you ARE the strongest Robot Master...EVER." having said that, I plopped into my capsule, dumped my memory files, and started a system check, a sweet, seven hour system check. Sure, it wasn't even five in the afternoon yet, but the sleep was far more preferable to actually staying awake. After all…I hate them. I hate them like Brother Blood hates that Cyborg guy from the Teen Titans…well…that's more like sensual infatuation instead of hate…oh god, another Closetman…

--------------------

Ending Notes: Thanks for Reading! I truly don't know if the Misadventures of Bass will develop into anything more than a oneshot, I mean I plan for it to, but hey, I'll let the reader decide.