"All I need right now is for us to be mates."
The words kept going round and round in Robert's head. Ever since Aaron had said them, they'd just chatted normally. A bit more stilted than usual, perhaps, but about ordinary, everyday things: the weather, the pub, the weekend – it was nice; it was worlds better than where they'd been even a few weeks ago. But it wasn't what Robert wanted. It wasn't what he'd thought Aaron wanted. But it was what was on offer, and he'd take it.
All the time they spoke, Robert kept thinking of those words. All I need right now. Did that mean things would change? How long before Aaron needed something different? Mates. Well, it wasn't enemies. And Aaron really valued his mates; he'd do anything for Adam. Robert hadn't really had mates before, not close ones, and he didn't quite know how it worked.
Mostly, Robert kept thinking back to all the times he'd given Aaron scraps but no more. When he'd meet him in barns and hotel rooms, expecting Aaron to turn up whenever he was wanted, but barely saying a kind word and never letting his feelings show. Now he knew how it felt, and it had only been a few days. He loved Aaron in a way that made him want to laugh and cry at the same time. He loved him with an urgency that confused and overwhelmed him. This must be how Aaron had felt all those months – and that thought made Robert's heart leap with glee, but also filled him with guilt. How had he treated Aaron so badly for so long? And how could he make it up to him now?
"You want another, love?" Chas said over the bar – and it took Robert a moment to realise that she was speaking to him. How things had changed there! A 'love' from Chas was a big deal. It felt like he was becoming part of Aaron's family – Aaron just had to realise that.
"I will if you will?"
Aaron made an upside down smile, the sort that sent a jolt through Robert.
"Nah, I think I'll get on." He drank the last drop of his pint, clonked the glass on the bar. He nodded to Robert (was there anything he could do that didn't make Robert's heart skip a beat?) and started to walk away, hands in pockets.
Robert put out a hand to stop him, which rested on Aaron's chest. Wow. Even when they'd been regularly sleeping with each other, he hadn't felt this kind of electricity through touching Aaron. And this was through clothes. He'd got it bad.
Aaron looked down at Robert's hands and raised his eyebrows. Was he smirking, or wasn't he? Robert realised that he was constantly assessing and interpreting Aaron's feelings, becoming more and more attuned to the little signals he sent.
"…well?"
"Come on, Aaron. Mates don't just have one pint. Besides, it's your round."
Aaron was definitely smirking now.
"Or do you just take without giving?" Robert was feeling very daring, but couldn't quite believe he'd said that. But teasing Aaron was so fun. Robert grinned at him, trying to look innocent.
"I'm going to… go other there," said Chas, eyebrows raised. "This is more than I needed to know. Give me a shout if you actually want a drink. Or, better yet, ask Doug."
Aaron shook his head, but he was smiling.
"Fine. One more pint. But you're buying. You've been at least two pints worth of stupid."
"Charming." But Robert couldn't help smiling broadly, and concentrated on signalling to Doug for another couple of pints, to avoid blushing straight in Aaron's face. Which was a shame, really, because it meant that Robert missed Aaron's own little grin, which he quickly suppressed.
"So, Vic's engine seems to be working perfectly now." Robert said.
"Ha! Yeah, Adam texted. She won't stop going on about what a great mechanic you are, apparently."
"Maybe I should go and work for Cain."
Aaron snorted.
"Yeah, mate, I can see that working well."
"Didn't you hear? Me and Cain are firm friends now. We braid each other's hair and share holiday pictures."
"You're lucky he's not in here. Your face would have been rearranged by now."
Robert smiled cheekily. "And you like it as it is now?"
Aaron nodded at Doug, who had chosen that moment to turn up with their beers.
"Well, I've seen worse."
They both took the first sip of their pints, which gave Robert a chance to hide his excitement. He licked the foam off his lips.
"Seriously, though. Cain and me – we're getting on ok. How's he been with you?"
Aaron paused, and Robert wondered if he'd gone too far. They'd carefully avoided any topic or person that could lead back to Aaron's ordeal or the police investigation – which was harder than it sounded, since it was all Robert had thought about for the past weeks. And in some ways it was the whole basis of their current level of friendliness.
"You can tell me to shut up if – " Robert started.
"No, it's ok. Cain's alright. We had a good chat the other day." Aaron shrugged. "I know he's got my back, but neither of us are all that great at emotions."
Robert wondered. In the past, Aaron had been all emotions, where Robert had kept tight-lipped. Even now, Robert was more likely to make a joke, or try to show his feelings through actions, than he was to say them out loud. Take Ryan. The whole idea may have been stupid, but he'd wanted to show Aaron how much he cared – and spending a lot of money was how he demonstrated that. That was how he knew, himself, that his priorities had changed: the money had meant nothing in comparison to helping Aaron. And his bank balance wasn't even looking all that healthy at the moment. Somehow it didn't matter.
"Yeah, Cain's – well, he's like a dad to me. Him and Paddy. They couldn't be more different, but…" Aaron looked down, embarrassed. "If I could be like them, like a cross between them, I'd be happy."
You're perfect the way you are. Robert kept that sentence to himself. That wasn't what mates said, was it? Still, he hoped the sentiment was clear in the look he gave Aaron.
"You've got a lot of people who care about you."
Aaron nodded, but seemed to shrug a little at the same time.
"No, really. There's your mum, and Cain, and Paddy. There's Adam, Vic – you should hear the way she talks about you! Basically my whole house is an Aaron Livesy fan club. It's exhausting." He paused, to let the implications of the last bit sink in; that all of them were in that club.
"Yeah, I guess you're right. Mind, Vic always has a good word to say about you, too."
"And that's about it! It's my own fault, but… well, family and friends haven't always been my strong point."
Robert wasn't good at acknowledging past faults. Both of them knew it.
"If there's one thing I've learned, mate, it's that it's never too late for things to change."
That sounded more hopeful. Was Aaron talking about Robert and his family, or about them as a couple? His face was hard to read.
"Do you think – look, Aaron, I don't want to rush you, I just want to know where I stand – but do yo think things can change for us?"
Aaron's jaw grew suddenly tight, and Robert could see it flexing.
"Not right now, I mean." Robert added hastily. "I just – is there – I mean, is this mates thing forever, or just until – I dunno, until –" He knew he was being incoherent. "It's fine if it is, honestly. I just want to know."
"Look, Robert," said Aaron, keeping his voice low, and biting his lip between words. "I get that you wanted to help me with your little scheme, I really do. But it made me realise – we just keep hurting each other. Well – " He paused.
"You mean I keep hurting you," mumbled Robert miserably. Aaron shrugged, not denying it.
"When you hate me, you hurt me. When you – when you like me" (he clearly sidestepped the word 'love') "you hurt me. And I know you don't mean to now, I know that. But – here we are again."
The first signs of tears were starting to show in Aaron's eyes. Robert didn't know what to say. He couldn't deny it. He thought back over the past year quickly, and the terrible things he'd done or threatened to do to Paddy, to Leo, to Chas, to Aaron himself. He barely recognised that person anymore. But even when he went the other way, and put himself on the line for Aaron, the man he cared so much for still ended up being hurt.
And when had Aaron ever hurt him? When Aaron was angry… he hurt himself. The thought made Robert feel wretched, and he desperately wanted to protect Aaron – but, in this case, perhaps the best protection was to walk away.
"I really do want to be mates. I want us to do this," Aaron gestured to the now-empty pint glasses. "But I can't do more than that. And I don't know how you can prove to me that we should."
He got up, and this time Robert didn't stop him as Aaron walked away. He didn't see Aaron turn back, hesitate, and then keep walking.
How could he prove to Aaron that they should be a couple? There had to be a way.
Robert nodded decisively. There might be. It was worth a shot.