Just fall into place (you'll fall into me)

by Pichitinha

After going to different places for high school and only acknowledging the other's presence during most of college, Lara Jean and Peter reconnect during their last year at UVA and rekindle their childhood friendship, taking that now into the adult world. (crossposted from AO3)

Lara Jean can't say she's completely shocked when Peter Kavinsky sits in the chair in front of her in the library, but she is a little surprised. Sure, through the years she'd seen him around campus many times and they usually acknowledged each other - a little wave, a smile, sometimes even a hi they were close enough - but they never really interacted much. They were acquaintances, really, at this point, their once existing friendship too long in the past to count for anything now.

"Hey, Covey," he says with a smile and she didn't expect him to remember her full name since it's been so long, but he does and it's nice.

"Peter Kavinsky, hi." She knows she sounds surprised and she can feel her eyebrows high in her forehead, but she can't help it. Peter is still what she would call a 'popular' guy even considering a college environment, being in the lacrosse team and whatnot - and she's a far cry from who she was in high school, even though he didn't get to see that at all, but she's still not known for being friends with a lot of popular people.

"For the sake of time management I think just Peter would be fine," he replies, unbothered. He's still smiling and she has to admit he looks handsome. He's always been attractive, that always played a major role in him being popular even in sixth grade when he was the shortest of all the boys, but now that he's an adult - or, you know, as close to being one as she is, which feels both too much and too little at the same time - there's just some softness and structure to his face that she doesn't think was there before. Sure, she's comparing the twenty-one or so year old before her with the maybe fourteen year old image of him she has in her head - that's probably the last time she saw him up close, before there was a change in the districts and she ended up going to a different high school.

She raises her eyebrows again though, because this sounds a lot like he's implying they'll be talking again in the future, and this is the first they've talked to each other in many, many years. "Okay, Just Peter . May I help you?"

He lets out a quick laugh before he gives her a look she can't quite decipher, but it looks almost guilty? Like he feels bad somehow.

"Ok, I'm gonna be honest with you. If you discreetly look over my left shoulder you'll see that the table in the corner has some of my lacrosse teammates." She glaces where he's talking about, fixing her hair at the same time so they can't quite see that she's looking. Peter grins. "Nice, very spy-y." She chuckles. "Anyway they've been bothering me about going out with someone since I broke up with-" He pauses and Lara Jean wonders if it's Gen he's talking about, because last thing she heard they were still together. "My ex. And I really don't want to go into the whole dating or hooking up thing right now but they won't stop bothering me so I thought since I know you I could come over and you could just help me get them off my back?"

"... right." To be quite honest she finds it a bit rude that they haven't properly spoken in years and he sits down to tell her that she's the perfect girl to not hook up with - not that she'd want to hook up with him anyway, but it's the principle of hearing you were the first undateable girl a guy has thought of that strikes her. A guy who had actually been her first kiss.

He looks even guiltier, as if he can read her thoughts. "I know, I'm really sorry. I don't mean anything by it, I just-" He takes a deep breath and his shoulders falter a bit, as if he's revealing something private. "Things were kinda messy, with me and- well, her. It's been a few months already but it's really annoying me how they keep digging and I just really need it to stop. I know we had already gotten some distance before you even moved schools and I'm sorry. I know it was because of- well, you know ." He motions with his hands as if it's clear and it is. "And I always felt bad about it, but then there was her and I don't know. I was a stupid kid with his first girlfriend. Point is I need help and I'd like you to give me a chance - let's be friends again and you can help me out in the way. We were close back then, right? Would it be so bad?"

She's certain now that the ex is in fact Gen, and she actually finds impressive that they lasted as long, even if they ended up breaking up anyway. But regardless, he sounds sincere and apologetic and the truth is Lara Jean liked being Peter's friend, even if that had been ages ago and they've probably changed a lot since then. Peter has always been nicer than people pegged him for, at least in middle school. Would it hurt to help him right now and maybe end up with a not-so-new friend? If he turned out to be the worst of the jock stereotype then she'd just cut ties again.

"Ok, that's the weirdest way I've ever started a friendship with someone, but why not?"

She offers him her hand to shake, she means it in a jokey way but by the look he gives her he doesn't realize that and just finds it amusing. He shakes it firmly and asks:

"Cool. Will you go on a fake date with me so they'll get off my back?"

She nods enthusiastically. " Three free dinners is my price for this arrangement, Kavinsky."

He grins. "Damn, Covey, you're a player."

---

As promised he takes her on three dinners where he pays for it all, but then they keep meeting and going out together to less fancy places because as it turns out they actually do make good friends. They get quite close in the months that precede their encounter which are also leading up to their graduation. Chris calls her in a manic one day when Lara Jean posts a picture of herself in a party with some friends and Peter is right by her side. What the fuck are you doing with Peter Kavinsky ?

It's weird, too, to know someone that you used to know so well, then completely disappeared, and now you're starting to know really well again. They fall into an easy routine of at least once a week meeting up for coffee in between classes as anything else is getting too hard with all their finals. It starts with topics such as books and movies - which always ends up in agreements to introduce the other to some material that was a must see - but it eventually ventures into something more personal, things that she'd perhaps not tell friends, at least none that she hadn't known for years.

It's easy, though, because Peter also shares stuff about himself that she can tell are private and uncomfortable for him. And even if the very first dinner after the library had already been enough for her to know that he definitely didn't fit into the image of a jock that movies and people liked to paint, when he opens up like that it makes it all more clear what an open, good person he is. Sometimes she thinks he's just as scared as everyone else, he's just really good at hiding.

It takes a while, but she gathers the courage to ask about Gen. She knows he doesn't like to talk about it, but she can't help but feel that he hasn't properly gotten over it yet, and she doesn't think he ever will if he doesn't open up about it. She tells him as much when she brings it up, and he just stares at his coffee as he keeps turning the cup methodically.

"It's… complicated." He laughs humorlessly, then, and looks at her. "God, that's bullshit, I hate when people say it's complicated."

Lara Jean doesn't laugh. "Sometimes it is, though."

He nods, defeated. "Yeah. But the thing is, it's not even about her, you know? Like, of course it is, in a way, but-" he trails off.

"It's complicated," Lara Jean suggests and he chuckles.

"Yeah." He thinks for a few seconds then readjusts in his chair, as if ready to open up. "Thing is, our relationship wasn't perfect. It was far from it. We had more of a on-again-off-again vibe than Ross and Rachel."

"Ross and Rachel weren't on that many times actually-"

"Covey." He gives her an amused look and she blushes a little.

"Right, not the point. Go on."

"Well, you know we started dating not long before you moved schools. But then we broke up like six months later. Then we got back together a couple months after that. And it just kept on happening all through high school, sometimes for long periods and sometimes for like a weekend. But still, probably not the sign of a good and healthy relationship."

Lara Jean just shrugs because yeah it sounds pretty toxic but who is she to judge that? "You were teenagers, I hardly think that's crucifiable."

He nods and laughs a little. "That's what I kept telling my mom. She would say something about us and I'd just be like 'aren't you always telling me that this is the time to make mistakes? We'll figure it out, mom!' Spoiler alert: we did not."

"You lasted a long time, though?"

"Yeah, but it hadn't really been working for a while. A long while. We should have ended it a long time ago, if I'm being honest I thought about it a few times. But I just couldn't do it."

"Why?" she asks even though it's stupid, she has bigger problems with letting go than anyone she knows. If anything makes sense to her, it's this.

"Gen is- was familiar. She'd been there for so long. I'm making the relationship sound horrible, but obviously there were good moments and she was there for some of my dark times, too. I'd never really had anything like that other than my mom and my brother. Even my dad he-" That makes Peter stop and take a deep breath, it almost sounds angry. "My dad left us during freshman year. So I just held on to what I knew, because losing him sucked . And I knew Gen. Or at least I thought so."

Lara Jean doesn't really know what to say to all of this because it's clear that it's a very touchy subject and she doesn't want to say the wrong thing. She's got experience both in losing your first boyfriend and in losing a parent, but both in very different ways than Peter did. She can't quite figure out what to say, though, because he decides to go on.

"You know how I said we had a whole 'Ross and Rachel' thing going on? Well. We had our very own version of the we were on a break thing. She was Ross, obviously, because I would never-" He forces his eye closed and recomposes himself. "It was difficult. But I was so determined to make it work, to mature together, to not have another 'dad left us' situation that we got back together. And then it happened again. And it was too much because it was another dad situation."

"Peter..." it's like he doesn't listen to her, too lost in his rant.

"So, yeah. It's not exactly about Gen. It's about people not knowing how to commit and not worrying about how their actions will hurt those around them - those they should try their hardest not to hurt. Like your boyfriend or your fucking son. If that's what I get from my dad and from my girlfriend who I'd known since I was ten, then what's from everyone else?"

Lara Jean just blinks because Peter is usually such a feel-good and happy guy, that she had no idea he could hold this inside of him. It's such a pessimistic and sad view of the world to have at such a young age.

"I'm really sorry," is all she can say, because she really is. She's sorry he went through that and she's sorry that it scarred his world view and she's sorry that she made him talk about it.

He finally seems to be back on earth, aware that she's right in front of him and that he's just poured a lot of resentment onto their usually quick and light coffee date.

"God, no, I'm sorry. I just ruined your day with my bad mood, didn't I?"

She laughs and shakes her head. "No, you didn't. We all have our baggage."

"Yeah?" he asks tentatively, like he doesn't want to push, but he'd been pretty open so the least she could do is be open in return, right?

"You probably don't remember, but I lost my mom when I was younger."

He nods immediately, eyes widening. "I do, of course. Shit, Lara Jean, I didn't mean-"

"No, no, it's ok. You're allowed to be mad at your dad. You don't know the pain of having a parent die, but I don't know the pain of having a parent deciding to leave. They're both shitty situations."

He gulps. "They are."

"And yet we were both left with one parent that had to care for us and our siblings and juggle it all. It's a lot."

"Yeah." He's nodding in sympathy.

"And also..." she bites her lip because she doesn't like talking about it, but he had been so open about Gen. "Do you remember John Ambrose McClaren?"

He seems caught off guard at the sudden change. "Yeah, of course. The gang! Also he had a major crush on you."

That gets her to squeal. "What?"

He rolls his eyes. "Covey, come on."

She laughs and hopes he doesn't notice it's bittersweet.

"Well, with the district change he ended up in the same school as me. We got together at the end of sophomore year."

"Geez, you made him wait two years for you?"

"Shut up!" She swats him playfully and she can see that he is trying to lighten the mood for her, which she appreciates. "Anyway, he was my first boyfriend. And I really loved him, as childish as it may seem."

"It doesn't," he replies immediately.

"And we promised to try as hard as we could during college, but he ended up in Boston and that's- that's really far."

He whistles. "Fuck, it really is."

"Distance was too much and it was a lot so we broke up even though it was the last thing we wanted - or the last thing I wanted, anyway."

"I'm sorry, Lara Jean."

She gives him a half smile. "It's been a while."

He grabs her hand on top of the table and squeezes it lightly.

"Still sucks, though."

She can only sigh and squeeze his hand back. "Yeah. Still sucks."

---

They graduate together - well, not actually together, they're majoring in different things, but their graduation is on the same day and it's nice to share this moment together. Both her family and his drive to the university for the ceremony and her dad actually has a photo of them as kids that he found in an old album that both him and Peter's mom insist they replicate. It's just the two of them as kids hugging really tightly, clearly attempting to crush each other, stupid smiles on their faces. It's funny trying to replicate it now with all the inches that he's gained on her, and also she may be blushing, but they have fun and the picture turns out really cute so she's glad they did it.

Their families end up deciding on heading to a restaurant together to celebrate and it's maybe weird to suddenly have her family and his involved in their friendship when it had been mostly them for the past few months, but it's nice. Kitty's really taken a liking to Peter and he adores her right back, and he's extremely polite to her dad and they all just really fit.

It's nice to have Peter in her life again, this time clearly more ingrained. He's a good friend and a good person and she trusts him. She snaps her glass with his and they cheer to a new phase of their lives, and this time she's pretty sure he'll stay a while.

Her life slowly falls into place after graduating. She ends up with a job in the neighboring city to the one she grew up in, bigger and better for a young woman trying to start her life than the family-esque one she's used to, and not long after she finds a small but nice apartment to rent in an area that she really likes and where the commute to work is easy.

Peter gets a job not far from where she works, but takes a while longer in getting a place because he's still not sure he wants to move there. He likes the quiet and peace of their town, but at the end of the day the commute is too much and he sees the attractiveness of a bigger city. His place is in a busier neighborhood than hers, although not that far from it, and it turns out that it really suits him and his bachelor lifestyle.

She's glad that things are falling into place, but every step forward means that she's now officially an adult and the thing about being an adult that has a job and pays rent is that it's hard . She loves it, of course, loves the job, her place and her neighborhood, but she's tired all the time and she always feels like she eats way less vegetables than she should.

Chris is in town, too, has been for a year or so already, and Lucas lives with her when he's not travelling for work - which is a lot but he enjoys it. That all means that Lara Jean has her close group of friends usually at a short distance from her, which is a really nice and unexpected bonus.

So she has a nice job, a cozy place, good friends, and she's close to her family. If life seems hard it's just because she's still adjusting to this new phase. Lara Jean's happy, or as happy as she can be, she thinks, despite all the craziness of being an adult who has to take care of herself and who never seems to go to the gym often enough.

How about your love life ? Margot's voice rings in her head whenever she ventures to those insights. Margot had been the luckiest person in the world and found the most amazing guy for her in Scotland, an english man named Ravi who she'd been dating for a couple years now, and she's always telling Lara Jean that being alone is totally fine, but that she couldn't let herself accommodate to the situation just because it was easier.

She says that because she knows Lara Jean and knows that that's exactly what she's doing. She would love to have someone - but it's just so much easier to not put herself out there where things can be tiring and also go terribly wrong.

After John and her broke up, she dated two guys during her college years. It didn't last very long with either, the first one barely long enough to actually be considered dating, and it wasn't particularly sad when they broke up, but she used them as proof that she had indeed moved on and that she just wasn't looking for anyone whenever she was single.

But now it's been a year since she graduated and she's been going out with this guy for a few months. It's definitely not love or anywhere near it, but she likes him a lot and she can see herself putting effort into making this be more than it is. So when he breaks it off, well, she's in a bad mood and the last thing she wants is to do is tell Margot.

And that's how she finds herself drunk on Peter's uncomfortable couch while he orders chinese food for them.

"So, now that you've had another glass, should I ask again what happened to see if you'll tell me?"

She laughs a little but presses her lips together, because she feels like she's at the edge of sharing everything, but she doesn't feel quite ready.

It's a particularly touchy subject to her and even though this is Peter she feels weird.

"It's… complicated."

He laughs, probably remembering their talk that seems to have taken place ages ago, but gives her a look nonetheless. He moves from where he's standing after having placed their order and sits down on the floor right by the couch so that his head is almost at the same level as hers.

"Not to be obtuse but it didn't seem like you were head over heels for him," he says the head over heels part in a slightly mocking tone that she's already used to. "I wouldn't have thought you'd need to get hammered about it."

She presses her lips one more time and looks at the ceiling even though she can still feel his gaze on her. Her chest rises with the big breath she takes in.

"I only ever had sex with John," she blurts it out not looking at him. "He was my first and our break-up was really hard, so when I started dating Jason a while later I didn't feel ready. Then I even went on a few dates with another guy I never told you about because it was nothing and, well, same thing. But now… it's been long enough, right? And I'm still not ready. I tried, but when we get to it... " she sighs heavily and closes her eyes. "I just remember him and I can't do it."

"And he broke up with you because you wouldn't have sex with him?" Is the first thing that Peter asks her, in a tone of surprise mixed with disbelief, and she actually huffs out a little laugh that that's his first concern. She nods and he shakes his head angrily which finally makes her look at him. "That's so fucked up, man."

She shrugs because is it really? She's almost twenty-three. Guys go into a relationship with a certain expectation at this point, don't they?

"I don't know, we're not teens anymore."

"Lara Jean," he reaches for her hand and makes her eyes meet his. "Even if we were like forty. You don't have to have sex ever unless you want to. That's a shitty thing to break up over, did he even talk to you before to understand how you feel or something like that?" She shakes her head but he's still talking as if he knew the answer already. "Sex is more complicated than hollywood makes it seem and intimacy issues are real so if he didn't even care about it then he's an asshole. End of story."

Lara Jean can practically feel the tears forming as she takes in what Peter just said to her. Ever since they reconnected he's made it clear on countless occasions that he's never entering a serious relationship again, that he's learned his lesson with Gen and with his history with his dad, and he doesn't want the risks for himself anymore. He's been purely non-commital to everyone he's ever been with since, albeit always honest from the beginning, and because of that she never expected him to have such views on sex.

It makes sense, obviously. Peter is the most respectful man she's ever met. But she'd never have thought.

"I… wow. Thanks, Peter." She takes a deep breath. "You really don't think it's weird? That I..."

He shakes his head and she knows he is completely honest because Peter is a terrible liar. His eyes betray him every time he tries to say something that isn't true or that he doesn't believe in.

"I don't think so. If it's something that bothers you, then by all means try to find a therapist or someone to talk it through and understand, but otherwise? It's your body and it's totally up to you. And I'm not saying that a guy has to make peace with never having sex, sex is important to a lot of people, but someone who cares about you will at least try to understand, talk about it, do more than just try and then get angry you said no. Anyone who doesn't is not really worth your time."

She nods and breathes out, just so relieved at his words. It's hard sometimes to not think that she might be broken, so getting reassurance from someone else - from a guy , one she knows values sex - it's really refreshing.

"Thank you, Kavinsky. That was a pretty good speech."

He laughs and kisses her forehead. "Anytime, Covey."

---

"So, how's tinder going?" Peter asks instead of saying hi when he joins Lara Jean and Chris for lunch in a tiny restaurant close to all of their offices.

Chris practically spits her drink and turns to Lara Jean with an accusatory look. "Tinder? You're on tinder?"

Lara Jean sends a death glare to Peter who simply makes a regretful face that is as fake as the leather in Chris' jacket.

"It's going just as you probably think it is," she replies instead of answering Chris because the answer to that is obvious.

"So, terrible?" Chris interjects.

"Exactly, ten points to gryffindor."

They're interrupted by the waiter that comes back to get their order now that the final person has joined them and Lara Jean hopes that's enough distraction to change the subject.

"So-"

"How many people have you tried meeting?" Peter asks immediately, eyeing her as if he knew she was gonna try to deflect.

Ok, so this is happening.

"Since you forced me to join," she points out so that Chris knows where this came from since her eyes are huge and fixated on Lara Jean waiting for more details. "I have actually gone on three dates. Well, two, it isn't really a date when you get stood up, is it?"

They both let out a low oooh and she rolls her eyes.

"How were the other two though? Were they cute? Did they make you laugh? What restaurant did you go to?" Chris is leaning towards her totally excited at this turn of events, so caught up in it she hasn't even chastised Lara Jean for not telling her about the whole thing.

"Well, one was terrible. The other was- uhm, what's a word for worse than terrible?"

Peter laughs in his glass of water but Chris just looks impatient.

"They can't have been that bad!"

"One of them tried to steal my wallet."

"Oh my God !" Peter full on laughs now and Chris stops with her mouth hanging open until she finally laughs too.

"It's not funny!" Lara Jean says but she can't help the laughter either.

"Covey… you are the most unlucky person in the world, oh my God." Peter is shaking his head as if he can't believe, a small smile on his lips. "How about the other one?"

She sighs. "It started off well. We went to a Japanese place, really nice. He was polite, kind of charming."

She stops as the food arrives but Chris and Peter have their eyes fixed on her as if they're on the edge of their seats waiting for more.

"And?!" they both ask once the waiter has left.

"And then he started talking about how he was glad I agreed with the restaurant he chose because most women he matches with have too many opinions and want to have the upper hand in the relationship which is not right, men are the head of the house and that it was so refreshing to meet a nice girl interested in maintaining chivalry and the correct balance of a relationship."

Both Peter's and Chris' mouths are agape in shock and none of them seems to know what to say. Lara Jean simply gets her fork and dives into her lasagna.

"What did you do ?" Chris finally asks, her jaw still down.

"I excused myself to the bathroom and ran away, immediately unmatched him and got an uber home."

"Seriously the most unlucky, what the fuck -"

Lunch goes on normally with Lara Jean's tinder as the main topic because of course it is , but they manage to catch up on a few other subjects too before they have to leave. Chris is going to the other side so she hugs them goodbye and then Peter and Lara Jean start walking the first few blocks they have in common before they have to split.

"Ok, so we heard some incredibly bad first date stories," Peter starts and Lara Jean opens her mouth to say that she'd yet to hear some from him , but he goes on. "Tell me about a good date, then. What is Lara Jean's ideal first date in her romanticized mind?"

He's giving her a soft look as he asks, like he really wants to know because he finds her romantic side endearing, and she chuckles.

"Not getting my wallet stolen or being told to act like a 50s housewife is a start."

He laughs loudly and she smiles alongside him.

"Ok, fair. But really, I know you must have like this picture perfect date in your mind. Every detail planned to your exact taste. What is it like?"

She shrugs and looks away, which she knows full well he knows is her way of deflecting, but she tries it anyway. "Dinner and a movie is nice."

If rolling eyes made a sound, she's sure she'd have heard it now, because even without looking at him she knows he must have seen his skull. "Covey, don't even with me!"

She is about to reply and say it's true - and, well, it is nice, she likes the combination of dinner and a movie - but they reach the point where she turns left and goes forward.

She knows he's not going to give it up easily, so she turns to the honest route but in a deflecting way. "I just want it to be with someone that wants to be there with me and that at the end of it they're excited for a second one."

His shoulders fall a bit as he softens. "You deserve that."

She smiles and then with a quick kiss on his cheek starts leaving. She turns briefly around to give him a little wave goodbye and he does the same before crossing the street, eventually disappearing behind the building on the other side.

She goes back to work thinking about it though. The ideal first date. She doesn't have a specific idea because she thinks it would depend a lot on the person and the circumstances - how well do they know each other before the date? That can change the whole dynamic. But she does have some things that she knows would sweep her off her feet, as fantastical as they can be in her fairytale world - or rather mundane, also, because she is a firm believer that love is more of a quiet night in than crazy dates on the top of the empire state building.

LJ: this is very controversial but i prefer lunches to dinners on a first date

She texts him in the middle of the afternoon, unable to stop thinking about his question and deciding that he deserves to know - even if to just criticize and tell her how unrealistic or weird it is. His reply comes fifteen or so minutes later:

Peter: hmmm… interesting. tell me more. why?

LJ: dinners have all of this scenario and expectation to them, it's almost theatrical?

LJ: there's the ambience of romance to them and it's only gonna last a couple hours

LJ: then it's either an awkward goodbye or an awkward "do you wanna come in for a coffee/drink" and that's it

LJ: with a lunch there's more at stake

LJ: you have the rest of the day free, are you getting along enough to make that work? can you go through the meal like it's a simple lunch with friends without it being awkward? can you be romantic over a plate of ribs instead of a fancy restaurant where you're surrounded by couples?

LJ: i don't know

LJ: can't really explain

Peter: you can't say that you can't explain after like ten texts lol

LJ: five

Peter: but actually, i got it. weirdly that makes sense somehow

LJ: of course it does, i'm a romantic, you gotta trust me with these things

Peter: ok then miss romance

Peter: it's a saturday

Peter: you got the whole day free

Peter: it's the first date

Peter: you go to lunch at maybe one

Peter: what comes next?

In your dream date , she knows he meant but didn't write.

She takes a few minutes, considers what to answer or even if she should - talking about her dream first date sounds somehow more intimate than talking about sex.

LJ: then we hit a public library

Peter: what?

LJ: anyone can sit comfortably in silence in a movie theater

LJ: you're supposed to stay quiet and it's dark and there are things happening in front of you

LJ: but can you sit comfortably with someone, not speaking, while reading?

LJ: i read a lot, that doesn't stop bc of a boyfriend

LJ: so whoever i'm with needs to be comfortable in that scenario with me, even if they're playing on their phone or dozing off by my side

This time it's Peter that takes his time to answer, but since it's the middle of the afternoon it's possible he had to do something work related. She tries not to overthink, she didn't say anything too absurd - right?

Peter: i'm not sure how to reply to that

Peter: bc wow

Peter: it's actually really smart yk?

Peter: and sweet in a weird way

Peter: i like this date of yours so far covey

Peter: and i'm assuming that in the ideal scenario the hypothetical guy would excel both at lunch and library silence

LJ: of course

LJ: hypothetical guy is a pro

Peter: yeah, totally, duh

Peter: then what? call it a night?

LJ: we could

LJ: but that's when i'd expect him to not want to say goodbye yet and invite me to still go somewhere

Peter: like where?

She bites her lip, not sure if she wants to respond. It sounds so childish.

LJ: idk, a cafe or something

Peter: …

Peter: …

Peter: …

Peter: this is the ideal perfect first date you've probably been planning for years, there's no "idk" in this and i know it

Peter: what is it, really? i won't make fun of you

Goddammit, Peter Kavinsky.

LJ: i'd really like to be taken to a carnival

LJ: i know it's unrealistic bc when and where would we have quick access to one

LJ: but in my mental fantasy there's one readily available and accessible and he wants to take me there

Peter: and win you prizes, i'm assuming?

LJ: obviously, i want all the teddy bears

LJ: and i want to win some games, too, i'm not a damsel in distress

Peter: you are something else, covey

That makes her heart jump a bit. It brings an involuntary smile to her face that she tries really hard to get rid of. Pull yourself together, Lara Jean. It's just Peter being Peter .

Peter: seriously though covey, that's actually a really great first date

Peter: i honestly hope you get that one day with the perfect guy

Peter: you deserve it

That makes her happy, the validation. She doesn't need it, of course, much less from Peter who is not a relationship kind of guy, and while very respectful and lovely, would probably not go through all the trouble. And she knows that the whole day playing out like she imagines depends on a lot of factors that are out of her control. But, still, she gets a warm feeling at his text, especially the last one.

---

"Why are we doing this again?" Peter asks from her bed where he threw himself in as soon as she let him into the apartment.

"Free booze," she replies immediately and he raises his head and laughs.

He looks really handsome in a suit, hair tamed and clean shaven face. Then again he is handsome, has always been, but formal wear is just one of those things that never fails to remind you of how attractive someone is.

"You're gonna wrinkle your clothes, Peter," she says once she realizes he's been staring through the mirror as she absentmindedly puts on some earrings.

He sits up and fixes his tie and suit, steals a corner of the mirror to check his hair.

"You look really nice, Covey," he says then, eyes darting to her reflection instead of his own. They look really warm, admiring almost, and she feels her chest warm up at the compliment.

"Thank you, so do you."

He smiles and grabs his phone while he waits for her to finish up with her final touches. She's not going overboard because they are mainly going to this wedding because of Peter, it's one of his closest friends from college, a lacrosse teammate, that is getting married, but the bride was friends with Lara Jean in college too, coincidentally, even if not as close. She might have chosen not to go, otherwise, but Peter was going and he was going solo, so why not?

"Ok, let's go?"

Peter touches the small of her back when he's leading her out of the apartment and his fingertips manage to touch the small patch of skin that's exposed as per the dress open circle in the back. She feels goosebumps. His hands are probably cold.

In the street he opens the car door for her and holds her hand for her to go in, closing the door after her.

"Always a gentleman," she calls to him and he laughs as he moves to the driver's side.

The drive is a bit long but they both agreed that it would be better than getting an uber and Lara Jean has promised to not drink in solidarity with Peter - unless they have rosé, because she loves rosé. They get there easily enough and it's not long before the ceremony starts, very simple and romantic - the bride looks stunning and the groom cries.

They're immediately led to the reception afterwards and Lara Jean actually enjoys seeing some of her old friends and catching up, her and Peter getting separated for a bit as he goes to find his own friends.

"So, you're still in contact with Kavinsky?"

The question comes from Richard, one of the friends she hasn't seen since graduation and hasn't really kept in touch. He doesn't have instagram so he's behind on everyone else's life and vice-versa.

"Yeah. You know we're from the same town, right? We both moved back after college and we've known each other for years, so," she shrugs in lieu of a proper ending for the sentence.

"Are there benefits?" Another friend jumps in, but this time it's Carol, who follows her on instagram and messages her sometimes. She knows they're friends.

"Oh my god, no! We are friends!"

"I know, hence the word benefits ."

Lara Jean rolls her eyes and sips on her cranberry juice to hide her discomfort.

"No benefits other than car rides once in a while."

Carol rolls her eyes and Richard laughs. "God if I were you..."

"Covey!" Lara Jean is saved by Peter's voice behind her, although she does freeze for a second wondering how much he'd heard. "Can I talk to you?"

He looks nervous when she turns to him so she just nods and follows as he once again guides her with his hand on her back. It still shivers.

"Hum, okay, no nice way to say this, so: John Ambrose is here."

"What?" Her voice is louder than she would have liked and some people look at her. She moves even more towards the wall and Peter follows, covering almost all of her view of the hall.

"Yeah, he's also friends with the groom, apparently. I don't know from where."

"Oh my God ! How is this happening? Is he here with someone? Wait, don't answer that, it's none of my business. No, actually, please tell me, if he is then I need to prepare-"

"I don't know," Peter cuts her off before she completely spirals which they both know is seconds away from happening. "He saw me and said hi but before we could say much else someone else came to say hi to him. I excused myself to find you."

Despite her frantic state she softens at this. His first concern was finding her and preparing her for whatever is about to happen.

"Thank you." She's breathing heavily and she feels like an idiot. You're an adult, Lara Jean, pull it together .

"Do you wanna leave?" Peter asks when he notices she's not saying anything else, his hand holding her arm as if to ground her.

"No! We can't leave, the reception has barely started."

He raises his eyebrows not looking concerned about that in the slightest. "We saw the wedding and we already greeted them, it's totally fine."

"Peter, you were really excited about the food, you said you love the catering they chose."

She's adamant about staying. She can handle one night with her ex who she may not be completely over yet. She's here with Peter and he's enjoying himself, she can do this for him. He deserves it.

He rolls his eyes though. "Covey, it's literally just food. Come on, let's go."

But she refuses and takes one step to the side. "I appreciate it, Peter, but I'm fine. I'm just gonna go to the restroom real quick, ok?"

He doesn't seem convinced but sighs in resignation. "Ok. I'll wait for you at the table with your friends."

"You don't have to, I'll be fine, go back to yo-"

"Lara Jean." He's stern and that makes her stop, his gaze firmly holding hers. "I'm waiting for you, ok?"

She gulps and nods. "Ok. Be right back."

She feels his eyes on her back all the way to the bathroom and half of her time in there is used to move on from the lingering feeling of his gaze.

When she exits Peter's exactly where he said he'd be, talking contently with her friends. He smiles when he sees her, but his eyes are clearly worried.

She wants to tell him to cut it. It's just an ex in the same wedding, it's not like she got shot.

"You okay?" he murmurs close to her ear and his hand once again finds the small of her back. Lara Jean can see Carol's knowing gaze clear as day.

"Yeah, I'm cool. This is seriously fine, I was just surprised."

He nods and takes one step to the side, but still stays close by.

For the rest of the night Lara Jean actually spots John Ambrose three times, but he either doesn't see her or he does and pretends not to. It's better that way, she thinks, because she can't think of what she could say to him.

Peter doesn't leave to see his friends again after that. She tells him to, several times, but he refuses and continues to laugh with her and her friends. She looks at him every time she spots John to see if he noticed too, how he'd react. Two of the times he was distracted by Luke, the one of her friends that's into sports, and one of them he's staring at her.

When they decide to leave, Peter's hand once again finds its chosen spot on her back and at this point Lara Jean kind of feels like this is right. They walk to the exit and when she's putting on her coat, she sees John approaching, probably leaving as well.

In an act of desperation she grasps Peter's hand who doesn't even flinch and just rolls with it. John's expression changes to curious, but he doesn't stop walking. Lara Jean simply waves to him before turning and pulling Peter with her. Out of the corner of her eye she sees John waving back.

---

It's like there's a shift in Peter's behavior after the wedding. That night he drove her home and they were mostly quiet, but it's fine because they were both tired and it'd been a fun night despite the turbulences. And afterwards they continued talking like normal, they'd text and meet up.

But he's acting differently. She can't pinpoint it, but he's more guarded, although sometimes he also seems more earnest. It's paradoxal and Lara Jean almost feels like she's imagining it half the time, but then something happens that leaves her wondering. Like he's passing by her and he raises his hand to touch her shoulder, just as an ' excuse me' action that everybody does, but then he retreats his hand seconds before his skin touches her and pretends nothing happened. Or how she'll notice him staring and he'll open his mouth with an open and honest expression, but then close it and shake his head disregarding it.

It gets her super uncomfortable because she's an overthinker and can't stop her brain from jumping to the worst conclusions, which mostly involve Peter no longer feeling comfortable around her and wanting to distance himself, cut off their friendship.

It seems like a minor thing but they never really talked about how she grabbed his hand when they were leaving. It wasn't anything other than an innocent gesture of hand holding, but they both know how it had looked to John Ambrose - and they both know that that's where her brain was when she did it, even if it was an impulse.

It's not like Peter to be upset about something like that, but it's the only thing that she can think of that could have somehow unbalanced their relationship. And she definitely doesn't want to approach it now, it's been over two weeks, but she's starting to get worried that there's no other way and that the window is closing.

It's the third saturday after the wedding and she's in a video chat with her sisters as she eats breakfast. She's eating her toast and scrolling through instagram as Kitty and Margot debate the Marie Kondo method which they both pointed out Lara Jean could learn from but she's purposefully not interested because all three of them know she's not gonna do it anyway.

Because of the stupid algorithm that all platforms now seem to have, she only now sees a picture that Peter posted yesterday. It's an old photo of when they were kids and in it you can see him, her, Trevor, Chris and half of John Ambrose. Lara Jean knows this photo and she knows that Gen is in the corner that's been cropped before being uploaded to his feed. His caption says "thinking back to simpler times". He didn't tag any of them.

She stares at it for a while wondering what he means. Sure, almost everyone is nostalgic about their childhood, and she knows Peter has a great one, so it makes sense that he'd be too. But isn't the simplicity of it too simple? You're barely your own person, the rewards life gives you are so small. As complicated as life is she's glad she's an adult. She doesn't like taking risks, never has, but she can now see how it's better than living under a blanket with a false sense of security.

The picture is old and the color is fading in some spots. Chris' face is the one that most changed since then, and Peter is the one that looks the most similar. More mature, sure, but still the same cheeky grin that even then made him the guy to be swooned over.

She can hear her sisters' voices in the background, still talking about the KonMari method, clearly given up on getting Lara Jean to hop on board. They are discussing the decluttering of emotional belongings which is obviously the hardest part and how that's a perfect metaphor for pure emotions as well.

"Yes! It's like, do you really have to hold on to that memory that makes you 10% happy but 90% sad? Just throw it out!" Kitty says agitated and that gets Lara Jean to laugh and try to pay attention.

"How do you throw a memory out, Kitty?" she asks because she would if she could, actually. Not all the painful ones, but some.

Kitty rolls her eyes. "Obviously you can't fully, but you need to move on from them! The past is the past ."

"I think the lesson is more complicated than that," Margot interrupts. "It's not about getting rid of memories or whatever, that's obviously impossible." Kitty opens her mouth to disagree but Margot doesn't let her. "I think it's more about learning how to recognize what is actually important to you - memories, feelings, etc. Humans are tragically bad at it."

Both her and Kitty snort.

"Yeah, well, if you're teaching that, please tell me where to sign up."

"We should start with simpler tasks like 'how to put clothes inside your closet'. Might do you good."

Kitty giggles and she rolls her eyes moving her attention back to her instagram. She looks at the picture one last time and considers what they just talked about. What really is important to her? What in this memory of their childhood is valuable and what isn't? Can she even split a memory like that?

She scrolls a bit more and finds another post from Peter. This one is just a selfie though, his signature grin and his eye almost entirely closed with the force of it. It's both cute and hot at the same time and Lara Jean still has no idea of how he does that. Her heart clenches and she sighs audibly.

Her sisters stop talking immediately.

"Everything ok in Lara Jean land?" Kitty asks with arched eyebrows.

"Yeah, yeah, everything's fine."

Everything is not fine because she saw John Ambrose three weeks ago and panicked, hasn't gotten over that yet, Peter is acting weird, and now her sisters got her thinking about what all of that means regarding her past and her present. But that makes absolutely no sense when she tries to put it in words, even in her own mind, so it's better if she just lets this slide.

"Ok, I know skype is bad and the video quality is terrible, but you can't lie to me, Lara Jean," Margot says almost in debauchery and ugh of course she's right.

"Remember the other weekend when I went to a wedding with Peter?" They both nod. "Well, John was there."

" John Ambrose ?" Kitty asks with her voice an octave higher than usual.

"Well, obviously."

"Did you talk to him?" Margot asks now cautious. They hadn't talked about him in a really long time but they couldn't know how she'd react now.

"No. He only saw me when we were about to leave. I just waved before rushing out."

"You waved ?" Kitty mocks.

"Kitty!" Margot reprimendas her.

"Yeah, I did. And then I grabbed Peter's hand. It was instinctive, I didn't even think, but I did and- well, I have to assume it looked like something ."

"Define something ."

She rolls her eyes. "You know what I mean! It looked like we were together. Which isn't even what I was going for - I mean, I wasn't going for anything, I just acted , but still-"

"Lara Jean! Rambling."

She takes a deep breath. "Right, sorry. Anyway. That happened."

It's silent for a few seconds.

"Ok. And since then?"

Her shoulders fall a bit. "I don't know. It's mostly the same but I can't help but feel like he's acting differently? Like nothing aggressive but it's still there."

They both have their eyebrows up in surprise.

"Wait, what?" Margot asks.

"Are you talking about Peter?" Kitty asks at the same time.

"Yeah," she replies as if it's obvious.

If this wasn't a skype meeting she's sure Margot and Kitty would have looked at each other now as she can see their eyes looking for a specific side of the screen.

"Well, sorry, I thought seeing your ex-boyfriend for the first time in years would have caused more trouble in your mind than Peter maybe changing his behavior a bit."

Margot is not one for sarcasm usually but she says the whole sentence as if she's hinting something and Lara Jean feels offended even if she doesn't know what at.

Sure, ok, she has a point. She has been a lot more preoccupied with Peter than with seeing John. But Peter is basically her best friend. He's a constant presence in her life. It makes sense that he's her first concern, right?

Before she can tell them that, though, Kitty starts speaking.

"Well, Lara Jean, I hate having to teach you the obvious once again, especially because I am the youngest and I feel you should know this by now, but talk to him . Seriously it's not that hard to solve conflicts! That's why languages exist."

An offended noise leaves Lara Jean's throat and she hears her sisters laughing. But they are right, so she grabs her phone again and texts Peter asking if he wants to meet up.

She can at least try to solve this - whatever it is.

---

The talk with Peter actually goes a lot better than she expected and they are fine. They meet up at the 24h diner they both like and he acts as if they are just hanging out as usual, not like there's an issue to discuss, and that already soothes Lara Jean immensely. When she brings up the whole hand-holding at the wedding thing, he dismisses it quickly, saying he knows she just didn't plan or mean anything by it and that he was happy to help whichever way. They are back to normal after that - or, well, Lara Jean still notices things, moments where he's a bit different, but it's still super small and she has verbal confirmation from him that they are fine, plus he looks at her like everything is fine, and Peter is a terrible liar, so if there was something, he wouldn't be able to hide it for that long.

There is one thing that changed, though, that is very obvious even though neither of them address it, and it's how much more Peter has been touching Lara Jean lately. He really took a liking to the hand on the small of her back move and now he does it constantly, without even thinking, it seems like it, and he's evolved to touching her shoulder and her arm and sometimes even her leg when they're sitting down. It's usually a quick touch and she has to assume completely meaningless, but it's there and she can't get completely used to it - she likes it, but she can never brush it off as normal. She always notices. She always breathes a bit deeper.

She's probably touch-starved, she figures. Peter is an attractive man and one she cares about deeply, so that's what's going on. Plus that combined with the eventual awkwardness is kind of confusing and that's probably why it still catches her off-guard.

She's hanging out with Chris one evening, a bottle of wine between them as they just complain about the hell week they both had and Chris is rambling about needing some time off to go out and try to meet someone, even if for just one night, because she's going insane and she doesn't even have time to get laid which is only worsening everything.

Lara Jean can't relate to that in particular, but she does miss the feeling of just being with someone, of having a person to call at the end of the day just because everything is too much and she needs comfort, someone to cuddle with on the couch as they lazily watch something. And she also relates to the feeling that she's working too much and doesn't have time for that - not that she's particularly good at trying it out, but still.

That's when her phone pings with a text and she glances quickly to see that it's Peter's. Usually she'd ignore her phone while out with Chris, but Peter hadn't texted her all day so she's curious as to why eleven o'clock in the night would be his choice.

Peter: covey, trevor just texted me that he'll be around next week, how about we plan an evening just you, me, him and chris? for old time's sake?

That actually gets a smile out of her because they do try to meet up everytime Trevor is in town and it's always fun, he's a really nice guy and a good friend and Lara Jean likes hanging out with him - she likes the little group that they have, the remainings of what they had as kids.

"What you smiling at?" Chris asks when she notices Lara Jean is no longer paying attention.

"Peter just texted me that Trevor is visiting next week, do you wanna hang out? The four of us?"

Chris' eyes go wide. "Hell yes! At a good crowded bar, please, even if before or after we do something more quiet, but I need to go out and see people and get drunk, please, please, please!"

Lara Jean laughs at her drunken pleading. "Ok, ok! I'll tell him."

LJ: i'm with chris here and we're in! she wants to go to a bar, that ok?

Peter: yeah i think trevor is gonna be up for that lol. i'll talk to him and text you guys the details later

LJ: great, can't wait

Peter: 😉

Her smile freezes a bit at the emoji, but soon she's back on her conversation with Chris, phone forgotten.

She and Chris go together to the bar because they have never been there before and prefer to take the uber together. It's on the other side of town and it does seem to be a big hit, as they exit the car and enter the place Chris can't stop talking about how lame she's becoming that she doesn't even know about this bar when it's clearly the place to be on Friday nights.

Lara Jean protests for a second because Chris' definition of being lame is basically living her life, but Chris just rolls her eyes and puts her arm on her shoulders. "That's lame for me and what I like because I miss doing things like this. For you that's good so it's definitely not lame. Own up to it, LJ!"

She has to laugh at that.

Peter had texted her when they were in the uber to say that he and Trevor were already inside and managed to get a table for them in the back, so they search for them once they're in. She's stopped when a hand finds her lower back and she knows immediately it's Peter.

"Hey!" He greets them for where he's coming, probably from the bar if the beer in his hand is any indication.

"Hey, PK," Chris greets him with a weird salute thing. "Where's the table?"

"Back there, Trevor is waiting." He points in the direction and Chris starts walking. "Hi, Covey." He turns his face to hers now, a soft smile on his lips. "You want a drink?"

"Hi, there. I'll probably just get a beer."

He pushes his towards her. "Take this one, it's new, I haven't drunk it yet."

"What, no, it's fine, I'll go get one in a sec."

He just rolls his eyes and pushes his beer against her hand insistently. "Go sit down, I'll get a new one and be right back."

She holds the beer just to make sure it won't fall and he turns around going back to the bar.

"Hey, Trevor!" she greets when she finds the table, him and Chris already deep in conversation.

"LJ!" He gets up and hugs her. "How are you?" Then he sees the beer in her hand. "Wasting no time, I see."

She laughs awkwardly and sits down, just as Chris turns to her. "How did you get a beer so fast?"

"Peter gave me his." She shrugs.

Chris makes a face. "Of course he did."

Lara Jean doesn't have time to ask what that means because Peter is soon joining them again with a new beer in hand.

"So, what's up?" he asks the table when he sits down.

"Chris was just criticising every aspect of my new life because apparently she hates Florida," Trevor summarizes.

Chris rolls her eyes. "Everyone hates Florida, Pike."

The four of them fall into an easy conversation that more often than not verges on banter, more beers being bought as the night progresses and Lara Jean is buzzing a little with the alcohol in her system, sure that the others have to be at least tipsy as well.

She's not worried, though. She's not driving and she's with three people that she trusts and as much as would have denied she really needed a night to loosen up, so going out with her friends and just letting herself have fun feels like it's exactly what she should be doing right now.

She goes to the restroom at some point and as she walks back she's considering if she should get another beer or maybe take some time and some water instead. When she gets to their table only Peter is there.

"Hey, where did they go?"

He shakes his own bottle. "More beer."

"I would hate to be as tolerant to alcohol as you guys, look at how much you have to spend to get drunk!"

He laughs and leans in a bit. "I don't know, Covey, I'm pretty tipsy already."

He does look a bit out there, loosen up smile, eyes a little wide, relaxed figure. Lara Jean usually tries not to think like that, especially about friends, but he really is handsome.

That thought makes her scan the bar quickly and she notices for the first time how there's always someone looking at them, looking at Peter . She doesn't say anything though, just smiles back at him.

"You didn't drive, did you?"

His expression changes to offended in a second. "Of course I didn't, I would never. Took an uber."

"Right, right, sorry!" She surrenders with her hands up and he laughs. "Just making sure."

"So," He leans in again, his elbow resting on the table now. "What are you up to, Covey?"

"Oh, you know me, wild things."

He nods in mock seriousness. "Of course, many adventures. Are you..." He leans in more as if conspiratorial and fake whispers. "Are you baking with an electric oven?"

She doesn't mean to laugh as loud as she does, but she's so surprised by what he says that it comes out for one second before she covers her mouth, still laughing though. He laughs, too, with her, and she feels less self-conscious about the stares that they get. His eyes crinkle a little when he laughs with force and it's undeniably cute.

"You're cute when you laugh," she says then, unfiltered, because apparently she had more to drink than she thought. She's mortified as soon as the words are out, but he merely grins at her, eyes sparkling.

"Why, thank you, you're pretty cute yourself."

And she knows she blushes, but she hopes he can't see with the bar lightening.

She clears her throat and looks around, noticing that they are still alone. "Chris and Trevor got lost somewhere?"

That gets Peter to look around too, finally not focusing on her, eyebrows raised. "Hm, yeah, weird. They should be back by now." They both look around again but can't see either of them. Peter shrugs. "Let's give it a few minutes and then we try to find them."

Lara Jean nods and goes to get herself a water, suddenly feeling parched and needing a minute to breathe.

When she returns, there's a girl standing next to their table and talking to Peter. If Lara Jean's memory is correct, she's one of the faces she saw staring at him earlier.

She has a half a mind to turn around and give them some minutes, but Peter sees her and smiles, nods slightly to her chair as if to say "come here". So she does, sitting down where she was before with her water in hand, feeling terribly weird as the girl looks at her and freezes her smile.

"This is Lara Jean," Peter introduces her to the girl standing up. "Lara Jean, this is… sorry, I didn't catch your name."

"Dani," she says, forcing her smile to remain on her lips. Lara Jean isn't sure if Peter can tell, but for her it's painfully obvious that Dani isn't happy by her sitting back down.

"Nice to meet you," Lara Jean replies because what else could she say? She also plasters a smile on her face and hopes it doesn't come out as fake.

"Anyway," Peter interrupts before Dani can say anything else, turning to her with that puppy face that Lara Jean swears no one else has the ability to make except for him. "Once again, Dani , I am very flattered but I'm not interested, I'm sorry."

The girl nods a bit, taken aback, but doesn't lose her smile - however fake. "No worries. It was nice to meet you." And with that she turns around and leaves quickly.

Lara Jean drinks her water slowly before looking at Peter, who she notices has been staring at her. "You know you don't have to do that, right? I'll be fine if you want to hang out with someone."

"I am hanging out with someone," he replies immediately, pointed look straight at her.

She rolls her eyes. "You know what I mean."

He shrugs and looks away before taking the last sip of his beer.

It's silent for a couple of seconds so Lara Jean takes out her phone and texts Chris.

LJ: hey, you okay? you and trevor disappeared

She stares at her phone waiting for an answer but it doesn't come. Eventually she hears Peter chuckle and gives him a questioningly look.

He looks sheepish as he scratches the back of his neck with his right hand, left one holding her phone. "Well, apparently we've been left to our own devices."

She's very confused. "What?"

He raises just one of his eyebrows - a talent Lara Jean never really managed to master. "It would appear Trevor and Chris have left."

"Why?"

He sighs. "Lara Jean, work with me here, please."

She blinks a few times and he gives her a suggestive look. Oh. Oh .

"Oh my god!"

He laughs. "Yeah, my thoughts exactly."

She drinks her water for lack of a better thing to do with her hands because Chris and Trevor never really showed any interest in one another and even today Lara Jean didn't see anything different.

"How the hell?" she finally asks out loud.

"I honestly have no idea," he replies honestly. "You wanna go? I think I've had enough."

She has, too. "Yeah, sure."

Peter guides her by her back once again, which she promptly tries to ignore, and they agree to share an uber because her place is on the route to his.

Inside the car Lara Jean can't help but bring it up again because her brain is still trying to wrap up around it. "Maybe I'm reading way too much into this, but Chris and Trevor..."

Peter nods, though. "No, I know, completely out of the blue. And out of all of us they were the two I never thought matched."

Lara Jean knows that when he says all of us he's talking about the six of them, their kid group. She gulps.

"Yeah. Now everyone hooked up with someone, huh?" she jokes but it's not funny, not to her at least.

He's looking out the window. "Doesn't matter, anyway. It's only the four of us now, right?"

And that's a really obvious thing but Lara Jean has never thought in those terms - at least not with the finality tone that Peter just used. And he's right, of course. The six of them will never be friends again - not even in a we'll be enemies for life sort of way, just in the way that their paths will never cross so intrinsically again. Lara Jean can't see herself being friends with John and she knows Peter can't see himself being friends with Gen. Lara Jean also doesn't see herself being friends with Gen - and Chris probably doesn't either. So maybe Gen is the weakest link regardless, but still. It really is just the four of them now.

"Yeah. And Chris and Trevor are having sex right now. Oh my god!"

Peter laughs, still looking out. "Try not to think about it, it's what I'm doing."

"Yeah, good idea."

They ride in silence for the next few minutes and when they're really close to her house he looks back at her. "Do you ever wonder if it could have been different? Who we ended up with and how that affected the dynamic of the group?"

Lara Jean's brain splits the question into three parts. One part thinks about the group dynamics and that's why she promptly replies, "No, I think some of us changing schools was a much bigger issue." The other two parts, however, focus on the first sentence. Who we ended up with . Half of her thinks she knows exactly what he's asking and she doesn't want to delve on it. The other part is heavily pretending she has no idea what he means.

He gives her a look when she answers but keeps a contemplative face. It's like he knows she knows he meant more, but won't comment on it. Soon the car is stopping in front of her building.

"Goodnight, Peter," she says as she opens the door and bids goodbye to the driver as well.

"Night, Covey."

And then she's out and the car is speeding away.

---

After the weekend when Trevor visits, Chris makes Lara Jean go out with her more often, saying it was good to see her loosen up a bit - which maybe she agrees, but she won't let Chris know that. Plus she knows Chris has more fun thinking she's convincing her every time than if Lara Jean agreed promptly.

They go out by themselves a lot, which Lara Jean enjoys, and sometimes they invite other people, like some friends from work they think the other will like, some old friends from school that they keep in touch with, or Peter.

Someone they barely manage to see despite being Chris' roommate is Lucas because he's been travelling more and more for work, and when he's there, he's usually busy. They still talk and he hangs out with them whenever he can, but they miss hanging out in person and hearing his crazy stories.

When the chance comes that he's actually available after practically three months without seeing him, they agree to go out, just the three of them.

They go to a bar not far from the one they went when Trevor was visiting and apparently the whole area is really good for that, because this place is also nice and inviting. It's a bit smaller so they can't get a proper table, but they manage to get one of the high tables in the middle of the room. It's small but they don't really mind.

Lucas is in the middle of a story about how he was confused for a famous writer on his last trip when Peter appears on their table and sticks his hand out to Lara Jean.

"Hi, I'm Peter."

She looks quizzically at him and so do Chris and Lucas. "Uh..."

He leans in just the tiniest bit. "Just roll with me here, please? I'm here with some coworkers and they saw me looking over here and dared me to introduce myself. Since I was really looking for an excuse to get out of there, here I am."

She laughs a little and shakes his hand. "How is it that we always end up in this situation?"

"What does that even mean?" Lucas asks confused and then Peter turns away from Lara Jean.

"Hey, Lucas, Chris." He shakes their hands too and they both look amused. "Long story, but it's how we became friends." Then he turns back to Lara Jean and leans on the table, points to his back with his finger which probably means he's now hiding them behind their shoulder. "And I have no idea, but thank you for always being my knight in shining armor."

She raises her eyebrows at this and she can tell that Chris and Lucas are entirely focused on them, but she'll just tease him for a bit, then she'll go back to her friends. "Last time you bought me three dinners for my services, Kavinsky."

He sighs in exaggeration and moves away from the table, pointing to her beer. She realizes his friends can probably see it and that's the whole point. "I'll buy you a drink. Beer?" She nods and he turns away to the bar.

"Girl you didn't tell me you were banging Kavinsky," Lucas asks once Peter's out of ear shot.

Lara Jean practically chokes on the remains of her beverage. "What? I'm not!"

"Then you are an idiot because you so could be." He's both suggestive and mocking as he leans back on his chair with a delighted expression. "Chris, help me out."

Chris doesn't even blink. "Oh, yeah, he'd eat you out right there on that chair if you asked."

Lara Jean squeals and it comes so high that she thinks the dogs of the entire neighborhood might be wondering what the noise was. "Oh my god, shut up, what are you talking about? We're just friends!" She can feel her face burning and she's desperate for them to change the subject before Peter is back.

"Then what's with the flirting?"

"There's no flirting!"

Lucas and Chris exchange a look. " You got me three dinners, Kavinsky, " Lucas mocks in a high pitched voice.

" You're my knight in shining armor ," Chris completes with a grave voice.

She can't believe they are even having this conversation right now. Her and Peter? No way. They are just really close friends. Chris and Lucas are both going crazy.

"It's not- it's not like that!"

And of course that's when Peter rejoins them, two beers in hand. "Not like what?" he asks as he pushes one to Lara Jean and then offers his for her to clink together.

"Nothing!" she replies too fast and it sounds suspicious even to her own ears. She takes a big sip of her beer and can see his forehead wrinkling in disbelief, but he chooses not to say anything.

"Do you guys mind if I stay here for a few minutes? That should be enough for the guys to leave me alone."

Chris and Lucas nod enthusiastically and Lara Jean has to bite back a frustrated groan at that.

There are no more high chairs available so Peter has to stand, but the height of the table is perfect for him to prop his crossed arms on it. Lara Jean can see the muscles on his arms through his shirt as he does that and she gulps quietly. Lucas notices it and discreetly but suggestively wiggles his eyebrows.

She does not have feelings for Peter other than friendship. She had, once upon a time, years and years ago, but now he is a close friend in whom she is not romantically interested at all. And she hates that Chris and Lucas said all those things because now she's overthinking every action and word she says to or about him, as if anything could be a clue to him about her feelings - her non-existing feelings.

Peter notices her discomfort, because obviously he does, and she knows this because he keeps glancing at her with worry. It takes a few looks but he seems to settle on something and waits for Chris to finish her sentence to push away from the table.

"Well, it was nice to see you guys. Let's do something else before you leave again, 'k Lucas? I should go back to the guys."

Lara Jean notices he's still worried so she reaches her hand and holds his wrist. "Wait." She grabs her phone from her purse and hands it to him, making sure that the tables behind his back can see, even though she doesn't know if his friends are looking at them. "Just pretend to write down your number."

He gives her a cheeky grin as he fake types. "Score!"

She rolls her eyes. "Shut up, Kavinsky. Go!"

And with that he salutes them and turns around.

Chris and Lucas have a stupid smirk on their faces and Lara Jean wants to throw a glass of water in each. "Shut up you two, as well."

"Who could have guessed that almost ten years later Lara Jean would end up with a crush on Peter Kavinsky again ," Chris jokes.

"There's no crush!"

"Yeah, Chris, come on, he's her best friend." Lucas interjects and Lara Jean knows that he's not defending her, so something worse must be coming. "Crushes are for strangers, this is much bigger than that."

"It's called friendship ! Nothing more, nothing less, just plain and simple friendship."

"Isn't that how all of the best romances start?" Chris asks jokingly but they all know that yes, that's what Lara Jean thinks.

"Oh, this would make a wonderful romcom. The straights will watch anything!" Lucas agrees in the same tone.

Lara Jean rolls her eyes. "There isn't nor will there be any romance."

They both snort. "You are blind, LJ."

"No, you guys are just too invested in my love life. There's nothing between us, no spark, no nothing, and even if there was, we're not compatible, ok? I want a happy ending and he wants one-night-stands. And that's fine because we don't want each other anyway so that's not an issue!"

Chris and Lucas exchange a look. "Well that was certainly a ramble."

"One that seemed very thought through," Lucas agrees.

She throws her head back in frustration. "Ok, enough with you two, Peter's name is not to be said again tonight under any circumstances!"

"Ok, ok, the boy you like shall not be named!" Lucas says and they both giggle.

Lara Jean just groans. "God, I hate you both."

---

After the whole ordeal with Lucas at the bar, Lara Jean can't help but overthink the fact that Peter is invited to her family fakesgiving dinner. Sure, he'd been invited the year before that and it was sort of implied that he would be there this year too, but now Lara Jean can't stop thinking about what Lucas and Chris had said to her - and continued saying afterwards non-stop, via chats, calls, or any other form of communication. She was honestly afraid she'd get a pigeon with a note saying you have a crush on PK !

Lara Jean tries very hard not to think about it though, because truth be told, she is an overthinker by nature and she knows by now that sometimes she has to stop, breathe, and try to look at something objectively. And objectively speaking, her friends implying (or very openly stating it, same difference) that she has a crush on one of her best friends should not change or impact on her actual feelings whatsoever, so since there are no feelings - there have not been for many, many years - then nothing should change.

It's quite simple and she's glad she's logical.

Of course all of that flies out of the window when she opens the door for him at her father's house on the agreed time and he has a huge bouquet of flowers for Trina, to thank her for the hospitality, and a smaller one for her, because you deserve it, Covey .

Her heart falters for a second and her brain keeps screaming at itself: there are no feelings, pull it together!

She lets him in and he immediately goes to say hi to Kitty who's home from college for their big fake holiday. He and Kitty actually maintain a pretty tight friendship online which she still doesn't know how it started but it is heartwarming to watch them together.

Because he's her friend, of course, and it's nice that he's so nice to her little sister. That's all.

Her dad and Trina come down the stairs not too long after they're settled in the living room and her dad is as excited as ever to see Peter, greeting him with the usual "Peter Kavinsky!" that comes with a big grin and a half hug topped with some pats on the back. It's domestic, really, too domestic, a type of intimacy that she would expect with a friend that had been in their lives for years and years and years. Or a boyfriend. Both of which Peter is not.

Peter gives Trina the flowers and she looks absolutely enchanted by them, eyes wide in awe as she hugs him and thanks him for the flowers and for coming, because of course he's always welcome at their house.

Lara Jean is gulping when Trina turns to her with a big smile, "You should keep him around, Lara Jean!" and the implications of what she says are not lost on her so she chokes on her saliva, making quite a scene as everyone turns to see if she's fine.

"I'm ok, wrong pipes, sorry!" And then she excuses herself to the bathroom where she closes the door behind her and almost throws water on her face until she remembers she has makeup on.

Why did she even put makeup on? It's fakesgiving with her family, she never puts on makeup for her family.

And no, nope, she did not put makeup for Peter.

She takes a deep breath and looks in the mirror just to check if she's fine. She's flustered and even in the mirror she can recognize the anxiety in her eyes.

But there's no reason for this, so she points a finger to her mirror self and demands that she starts acting normally because this is a perfectly normal situation and she's being completely irrational.

Out of the bathroom, Peter finds her with a glass of water.

"Here, I thought this might help. You okay?"

And goddamn that stupid man for being so thoughtful, but she's not gonna go through it, not today. Because everything is fine . So she rolls her eyes, even as she accepts the glass.

"I'm fine , geez, just a little coughing."

He raises his eyebrows, though, and gives her a much deeper look than he should, given the tone she'd used. "You seem off, that's all."

Is she that obvious or does he just know her too well? Either way, she gulps again, but this time she hides it in the water she's drinking.

"I'm fine, really. Just tired." And it's not a lie but it's not the truth either. She is exhausted, work has been a lot the past couple of weeks, but in the weeks since the thing at the bar it's been harder and harder to act normal around Peter and she hates it because he's her friend and she doesn't want this, she wants normalcy and fun and easiness.

He doesn't buy it at all, but her dad calls them to eat so he lets it slide, sliding past her as she stands still and touching the small of her back for just a second. And it's so common by now, almost like a reflex on his side, but for some reason she gasps, luckily not loud enough for him or anyone to hear.

Dinner is wonderful and the green beans are canned as always. They tell the story even though they all know it, and Lara Jean loves how soft Trina looks when her dad speaks about her mom, like she understands it completely. It's refreshing to see and it's refreshing to see how happy her dad is with Trina.

Peter asks Kitty questions about college, his focus completely on her and looking genuinely curious, and Lara Jean feels betrayed by how her heart soars at that. They joke back and forth because apparently they do communicate more than she thought and that strings even another chord in her heart.

After dinner she volunteers to set off the table and do the dishes, and everyone argues but she insists, very keen on having just a few minutes to herself to recompose, because her thoughts really are going wild and she needs to stop that immediately.

At first she's by herself, but once she's at the sink Kitty finds her.

"What's going on with you, huh?"

Lara Jean is attentively scrubbing a plate, as if she's trying to remove the paint in it. "Nothing, why do you ask?"

Kitty grabs a kitchen towel and starts drying off some of the dishes. "You've been… I don't know, jumpy? Like you're hiding something."

"I'm not hiding anything. Just tired."

She can see Kitty raise one eyebrow from the corner of her eye. "Right, tired people attempt to murder bacterias with that much intent, sure." She nods to where Lara Jean is now rotating the sponge for the fifth time inside a glass.

That gets her to stop because yes, maybe she is going a little overboard.

"I just have a lot on my mind, that's all."

"Do you wanna share with the class?" Kitty asks in her mocking tone and if this wasn't troubling Lara Jean so much, she might have. But as it is, she doesn't think she can, because Kitty will drive to conclusions and say things and arrange for something and it'll just be a disaster.

"Nope!" she replies with a fake cheer.

"Suit yourself." She shrugs. "But you do know I always want the best for you, right?"

And there's a chance that that's just Kitty tricking her into giving in, but she sounds so earnest and Lara Jean really could use an escape to her feelings right now. And she doesn't have to necessarily explain what is going on, does she?

"Do you ever… do you know how someone can say something and then influence you to agree with that thing?"

"Uh..." Kitty looks confused. "Like 'gays should be able to adopt'? Because if so, yes."

Lara Jean has to laugh, leave it to Kitty to go political immediately. "No, no. Like… I don't know, what if I say 'I bet you could use a chocolate brownie right now', wouldn't you like, crave a brownie?"

Kitty looks more confused now. "Uh, I guess so? Lara Jean where is this going? Do you just want brownies? Are you craving them? Oh my god, are you pregnant ?" Her voice changes to a whisper as she progresses but it's for sure not quiet.

"No! Why would you think that?!"

"I don't know, you're not making any sense!"

Lara Jean sighs and looks back at the living room just to make sure no one there is paying attention to them, and it turns out Peter and her dad are deeply involved in a discussion that Lara Jean can't really hear what about.

"Look, it's complicated. But I just- someone said something to me the other day. They implied that I felt a certain way. And now I can't stop thinking about it, it's like they spoke it into reality or something. And it is freaking me out!"

Kitty still looks lost, but less so now. She considers what Lara Jean says, and at least she looks like she has no idea what she could be talking about - good.

"It's hard to properly say this without knowing what it is about, but in my experience- well, if you didn't feel that way before then you wouldn't be feeling it now. Most likely you were just denying it to yourself and they just brought it to light."

The way she speaks lets Lara Jean know that she's referring to what she went through when she was figuring out her sexuality and it actually scares Lara Jean because it makes sense and it's honest and vulnerable, but that would mean-

No. Lara Jean doesn't like Peter. Lara Jean can't like Peter. For so many reasons.

"You know I'm not gay, right?" Lara Jean jokes because she wants to change the subject and stop talking and thinking about the whole thing as fast as possible.

Kitty snorts loudly. "Of course, Lara Jean, you wish you had the caliber." And then she walks away and into the living room.

She takes a deep breath. There're just a few more items to wash and then she'll join her family and Peter - and no, that's not weird - in the living room and everything will be fine.

"You sure you don't wanna tell me what's going on, Covey?" Peter suddenly asks from behind her and she jumps at the scare. "Woah, sorry, didn't mean to startle you."

Her heart is beating fast and she isn't sure why. "That's ok, I was distracted. And there's nothing going on."

He walks to her side and leans on the sink, eyes fixed on her. "Girl, come on. I know you. Something is definitely up, I'm worried."

She has to take another deep breath because even though that's always how he is, she can't take it today. He needs to be less. Less Peter .

She looks at him, meets his gaze strongly and tries to be as honest as possible. "Just believe me that it's nothing big and that I'm taking care of it, ok?"

He looks more worried for a second and then actually soothed the next. His expression keeps alternating and she doesn't know if he'll settle for any. "Ok. But promise me that you'll let me know if I can do anything. I mean it, anything, anytime." And then he does the unthinkable and leans down to kiss her cheek. "Love you."

She feels her cheek burning where he just kissed her and her heart is beating so fast she's worried she'll have a heart attack.

She can't like Peter. She really, really can't.

But maybe she does.

---

So far, Lara Jean hasn't shared her discoveries with anyone - least of all Peter. She's determined to ignore those feelings until they pass because that is going to happen, there's no way she can sustain this for much longer and it's just a crush, right? A feeling of longing towards a person who she already loves, who is already in her life, who knows her, who is handsome, funny, reliable and understanding. It makes sense that she would get her feelings confused for a bit, but it'll pass, because it's Peter. She's gotten over him before, she can do it again, especially now when there's more at stake.

Overthinking is definitely still her specialty but she's making an active effort to not do it. Whenever she's with Peter she just lets herself be, if anything she does is misinterpreted as flirting he doesn't mention or does anything, so she thinks it's safe. Whenever they are with someone else - most often, Chris - she ignores whatever looks or innuendos they might make and just tries to act as she would have before she realized this minor inconvenient feeling existed. It'll be gone in no time and she'll be glad she opted to ignore it.

Sure, it's been almost two months of this and so far nothing, but it's just a matter of time. She knows it.

She's on the elevator of her building when her phone pings with a notification and when she checks it's in the group chat that they ended up creating for her, Chris, Peter, Trevor and Lucas, as having separate groups with a combination of the five of them was too much and pointless.

GC-Chris: yo, got any plans for the 16th? i'm gonna throw a party at my place

GC-Lucas: OUR place

GC-Lucas: but yeah i'll be in seattle

GC-Trevor: and i will be in florida, where i live

GC-Chris: boo-hoo

Lara Jean laughs as she unlocks the door and as soon as she's taken off her shoes and dropped her purse, she starts to type. She sees Peter is typing at the top of the screen too.

GC-LJ: unfortunately i'll be out of town too, just got word from work that i have to attend a conference in baltimore. ugh can't believe they're making me drive all the way there

GC-Peter: i do, a college friend is throwing a bachelor party that weekend and i have to go or else friendship ended apparently?

She and Peter send at the same time and immediately he's typing again.

GC-Peter: no way, covey, baltimore? that's where's my bachelor party is! road trip? i'll drive and you provide snacks

Her heart skips a beat when she reads it and in less than a second she's thought of many things, like what Chris and Lucas might say - or even Trevor, god knows Chris has probably rattled to him on what she thinks -, and about taking a three hour ride with Peter, about being away for the weekend with him in a city she's never been to, or that he'll be going to a bachelor party and-

GC-Chris: you guys all suck for being away that weekend

GC-Chris: but also good for you lj, won't have to drive!

Chris: … GIRL

Lara Jean completely pretends to not see the preview of the message Chris sent her in private and just continues in the group chat, searching for how to answer normally .

GC-LJ: oh yeah, that'd be great, i was really dreading the long drive

That sounds like a perfectly reasonable answer which is actually true.

GC-LJ: but we should check the days, i have to go on friday morning and i have to stay until monday afternoon

But this should make sure they can't do it and she'll avoid it without having to say no, because Peter has to work and will probably only go for the weekend. Problem solved!

GC-Peter: that's perfect, i'm taking a few days off anyway. i'll call you later and we'll figure out the details

Goddammit, Kavinsky.

GC-LJ: great! :)

Lucas: you better bang that man into oblivion LJ or else don't even bother talking to me again

She chooses to ignore that, too.

On friday morning she leaves her apartment carrying a small bag, a container with homemade baked goods, and a way-too-fast beating heart that can't stop worrying about what's about to happen. They discussed the details of their small trip to Baltimore and where they each had to be and given the proximity it made sense that they got rooms in the same hotel, that way they could go and leave together with no problem. That had been Peter's reasoning, and Lara Jean couldn't really find a good reason as to why not.

Peter is leaning on his car waiting for her, and once she's out of her building he immediately walks over and hugs her good morning, and she really hopes he can't feel her heart going wild because he'll think she's having a heart attack. He grabs her bag before she can deny it and puts it in the back together with his, then they're in the car and they have three whole hours of just each other and the highway in front of them.

Lara Jean wants this to never end but she also wants it to not be happening. It's very confusing.

"So, what did you bring me?" he asks as he drives out of the inner city parts, completely relaxed against his seat, hands loose on the wheel. Lara Jean kind of envies how he can feel so calm when she's trying very hard not to have a meltdown.

"I made chocolate chip cookies, snickerdoodles, banana bread and lemon bars." Maybe she had freaked out a little not knowing what or how much to make and had just made it all.

"Wow! You spoil me, Covey." He has a soft smile as he looks at her very briefly and she has to hold back a sigh that wants to escape her lips.

They've been in the car for like ten minutes. This is way harder than she thought it would be. There's a chance this is more than just a crush. She can't deal with that right now.

"The more you're eating the less you're singing along to your bad playlists," she manages to reply jokingly and when he laughs she almost thinks she should stop making him laugh because he looks way too good when he does.

"Bringing out all the guns, huh? I see how it is." And then he goes to search for a playlist on the radio that she can see is already connected to his phone. He clicks in one of them and gives her a cheeky grin. "Made this one especially for you."

She reads the title on the screen and it says LJSC will hate this . She can't help her smile.

She shakes her head and rolls her eyes, but secretly she can't stop thinking about how he spent time on this, just to tease her. She turns to the window and pretends to hate every song, but deep down she loves it, because he took the time and the effort. And because she likes him. She really, truly likes him.

She's glad she's looking outside, because she feels it so strongly he might be able to tell if he looks at her face.

She ends up dozing off, lulled by the motions of the car, and she wakes up maybe an hour later when the sun suddenly hits her eyes. The car is silent and Peter is focused on the road ahead of him, face scrunched up as if he's deep in thought.

She stretches a bit and as soon as he notices she's awake his whole face changes. He gives her a smile and his forehead loses the crinkles that were there just a second ago.

"Hey," he says lightly.

"Hey. Sorry, didn't mean to fall asleep on you." And she didn't, really, but it had helped with her nerves a bit. It feels utterly normal to wake up quietly in his car, nothing major happening around them.

"Don't worry, it's nice just having you here."

Well, nevermind then.

"Why did you turn off the radio?"

He shrugs. "I didn't want to disturb your sleep."

Lara Jean's heart really needs to settle down and stop finding any action worth swooning over.

"You didn't have to, I'm a heavy sleeper. Put on another playlist."

He nods and searches for a bit and Lara Jean reads the name once he finds what he's looking for: LJSC will love this .

She has to look out the window again because he would definitely be able to see her cheeks burning.

The rest of the ride goes on fine as Peter asks her about her job and then suddenly they're talking about movies and the songs he's chosen for this playlist - which, yes, she does love - and things are normal again, because being with Peter is easy and she really loves his company. She obviously knew that being too much in her own head was what was making things awkward, but now she can see how things can actually work out perfectly when she just stays in the moment and enjoys their time together, regardless of whatever she might feel.

The hotel they're staying in is very business-like, which makes sense given that her stay is being paid by her company and the hotel is from the pre-approved list. It's good and affordable so Peter had managed to get a reservation as well and once they get there he asks if there's any way their rooms can be close to each other, at least on the same floor. The receptionist manages to get them the rooms at the end of a hallway, doors facing one another, and Peter seems very happy about it.

He asks if she wants to have dinner that night as they will otherwise be busy with what brought them to the city, and Lara Jean honestly doesn't know what to answer, so she says she'll see how work is gonna go and text him to let him know if she will be able.

At four she picks up her phone to tell him that yes, they should go to dinner, because she can't simply hide from him or cut him off of her life. She needs to figure things out because he's her best friend and he deserves better, and she knows that if she just relaxes they'll have fun, like they did in the car earlier, and like they did all the time before her feelings started going wild.

But then, she sees that Chris created a group text with only her and Lucas in it, and they both asked if this was gonna be the day she was finally gonna do something.

So instead she texts Peter that she'll likely be working late and doesn't check her phone anymore.

---

Lara Jean really doesn't know how they got to this. He's in her hotel room, which would be fine, except she's pressed against the wall with his very strong body pinning her to it.

And, well, this is fine. It's more than fine, it's great really. His lips are insistent on hers like he doesn't want anything else in the world right now than to be kissing her and she is seriously intoxicated.

She's not even aware of what half her body is doing, her hands move from his neck to his back to his chest, she searches for the hem of his shirt and explores beneath it before moving back up and it's messy but she seriously cannot give a damn. Her calf keeps going up and down the back of his leg and eventually he just puts his hands on her ass and lifts her, her legs crossing around his waist immediately.

He's already hard against her and she hasn't felt this fire in her belly in a really long time - she's not even sure she's ever felt it this strongly. It's like she's combusting and every time his hands move even an inch to touch new skin she feels like she's burning.

She wants him so badly . Feelings were one thing, but she hadn't really noticed how much she wanted him, for how long she has, actually, but now that they're here her brain has an alarm ringing finally on repeat.

His lips move to her neck and she hears the moan that escapes her lips as if it belongs to someone else. Her mouth is dry and her eyes are closed shut, all she wants is to drown in him.

With her hands she pulls his head back to hers and as she kisses him strongly she moves her hands to the hem of his shirt once again except this time she pulls it up in desperation. He wastes no time and only separates their lips for two seconds, all he needs to remove the material, before closing in again.

It's like he's going to devour her and god does she want him to.

She moves her own lips to his neck now and he rests his forehead on the wall behind her, sighing heavily as she works her way down. She can't move too much being perched on his lap but she reaches the top of his chest and she kisses every bit of skin she can, tasting it and memorizing it, leaving marks, unhinged. He's breathing heavily and moaning, and his erection is rock hard against her. She wants him naked, she wants to be naked, she wants this night to last forever.

He presses against her and she's so wet it's almost pathetic. She moans his name loudly and he's against her mouth again. She can't get enough of him and she thinks he feels the same.

One thing is clear, she hasn't felt this sure about sex since her and John broke up. None of the guys she's tried it with before got her anywhere near the certainty she's feeling right now. She feels wanted and desired, but more than anything, she wants it.

She reaches for his belt buckle and opens it hastily, she has no time to lose, and right after she's working on the button and zipper of his jeans. She reaches inside until she touches him through his underwear and he drops his head on her shoulder.

"Lara Jean..."

It's the sexiest she's ever heard her name being spoken. She notices he's reaching to his back pocket before she pushes his pants down and then he fishes out his wallet.

She sees a few condoms inside and he takes one out before throwing the wallet away, not really looking where it lands.

For some reason, that's what brings Lara Jean back to reality - the wallet full of condoms that he's carrying. He was gonna go out for a drink before he stopped by her room. They're in a random city and he was gonna go out and he has a wallet full of condoms.

And that isn't the problem, he can sleep with whoever he wants whenever he wants, but that's just what her brain needs to finally connect that this is Peter. Peter - her best friend who she's been denying to be falling in love with for a while now. Peter who doesn't do serious relationships. Peter who is here now about to have sex with her when he was about to go out to try to find a stranger - while Lara Jean doesn't think there's anyone else she could possibly consider having sex with right now, not even John Ambrose if he somehow materialized in the room.

She freezes and it takes him a few seconds to notice, but he does and then he looks at her. His eyes are dark with arousal, his hair's a mess and his breathing is erratic. It's the hottest thing in the world and Lara Jean wants him so bad . And it hurts her entire body but now she knows she can't.

She knows he's gonna ask if she's okay but she beats him to it.

"We can't, Peter. Let me go."

He looks completely dumbfounded but puts her down anyway and takes a step back. She can see that he's trying to make sense of this sudden change in attitude and she knows it's confusing and she's sending mixed signals, but now that it's all clicked in her head she can't go through it.

She already feels her heart breaking but she knows that if they were to go forward, it would only hurt further. The more time they spend in that room, the more irreparable their relationship will be. The more pieces of herself she'll be trying to piece together.

"I- I'm sorry, Peter. I can't." She's hugging herself to try to stop her eyes from watering because she can't start crying right now. Things are already bad enough.

He takes a few deep breaths as if to ground himself. "Ok, let's calm down. I'm sorry if I pushed you, we don't have to do anything, come on, let's just lie down-"

" No ," she says strongly. "You need to leave."

"Lara Jean," he looks almost offended. "You know I wouldn't try anyt-"

She shakes her head and she's horrified when she feels a few tears escaping her eyes.

"That's not it. You can't be here. I- I need to be alone."

He takes a step forward and she practically tries merging with the wall behind her. He notices and his eyes grow more and more worried every second.

"Please tell me what's going on, you're scaring me."

"I can't do one night stands, Peter. You know that."

He gulps. "Covey-"

"If we did this-" She's choking on her words, the realisation finally hitting her that this is it. Their friendship will never be the same. "I can't take the heartbreak, Peter. I'm sorry. I really need you to leave."

He tries to get closer again but she takes a step to the right and covers her face with her hand.

"Please, let's talk-"

"Please go." Her voice is only a whisper and she's so embarrassed. "I'm gonna wait in the bathroom so you can gather your things. But please go."

He sighs heavily but makes no other movement so she walks to the bathroom and closes the door behind her. She tries to stifle her cries because she can wait five minutes until she's by herself. She's humiliated herself enough tonight.

She hears him rummaging around for his things and before he leaves he stops by the bathroom door, she feels weight pressing into it. "Just- I'm sorry, Lara Jean."

And with that he's gone and she lets herself cry alone in the bathroom.

---

The days that follow that night are the weirdest Lara Jean has ever lived. She made everything she could to avoid him in the hotel, texted him the following day that the company was going to pay a car service to take her back home so he didn't have to worry, and ignored any and all texts he sent, which consisted either of apologies, expressions of concern, and requests to talk.

Chris and Lucas had also reached out, not knowing what had happened but definitely knowing that something had gone down, but she ignored them too, because she's not ready to talk about it.

She is heartbroken, angry, embarrassed, upset, confused and so many other things that she simply can't think straight.

She made out Peter. She almost had sex with him. She loved every second of it.

But she's in love with him, and that's something she's now completely sure of, which is ironic and frustrating because now she's hurting so much more than she thought possible. Now she's ruined her friendship with Peter, now she knows what it feels like to be with him, now she knows how much it hurts to not have him love her back.

Now she's the one that made out with her friend and then as he got a condom broke down crying and asked him to leave.

She feels sick.

She can't believe she's doing it, but when she gets home from work on friday completely defeated, she opens her computer and calls the group chat she has with her sisters.

Kitty seems unavailable, but Margot answers after a few seconds, and her face goes from happy greeting smile to worried frown in a matter of seconds.

"Lara Jean? Everything ok?"

And she doesn't know if she looks that bad or if Margot simply knows her too well, but she bites her lower lip and feels tears in her eyes. Unable to answer, she just shakes her head negatively.

"Oh, LJ… take a deep breath, ok? Just breathe and let me know what happened so I can try to help. Are you hurt? Is anyone we know hurt?"

She shakes her head and tries controlling her breath just as Margot asked. A few tears fall down and she looks at the ceiling while breathing through her mouth and cleaning her cheeks with the back of her hand.

She can do this.

"I'm in love with Peter," she says, still looking at the ceiling, because she's sure that if she looked at Margot she'd start crying again.

Her sister just breathes out an oh that sounds surprised but not shocked. Lara Jean doesn't want to go into it all.

"And I almost had sex with him last weekend."

" Oh !" She definitely sounds shocked now. "Uhm, wow. Really? How? And, wait, did you say almost? What happened?"

She closes her eyes now, she wants to talk about it with someone but she doesn't want to think about it, which is very tricky.

"I had a conference in Baltimore and he had a bachelor party so we went together. He went into my room to get some aspirin because he'd forgotten and, god, I don't even know, but one minute he's getting a lash out of my eye and the next we're making out. And then the next I'm crying and telling him to leave."

"I-" Lara Jean isn't looking, but Margot sounds completely at a loss for words. "Ok, wow. Why- well, why did you start crying and ask him to leave?"

"Because I'm in love with him!" she exclaims and finally looks at the screen again. Margot looks more confused than ever.

"How is that the reason for you to not want to sleep with him?"

"Of course I wanted to, Margot, you have no idea how much I wanted it." Her sister makes a face, but they don't comment. "But you don't know him that well, he's not… one of the first things we ever talked about, like seriously talked, was how he was not a relationship kind of a guy. He's never hidden that, he's always made it very clear that he's a casual guy who is not looking for anything serious or even exclusive or- or more than just sex. I can't do that, Margot. Not with someone I'm in love with. Not when I think the whole stupid romantic shebang like you guys say all the time. Maybe I'm stupid and childish, but- I can't."

"Hey, hey, no, you're not stupid, Lara Jean, you're not." She takes a deep breath and thinks for a while before saying anything, she has that look on her face that Lara Jean knows it means she wants to fix all the problems in the world. It's admirable, but Lara Jean can't see how she'd be able to do that in this case. "Ok, listen. I get that, I really do, you must be really hurting right now and I wish there was something I could do about it. You are totally in your right to want a relationship and you shouldn't settle for less than what you want and deserve ok? It's definitely not stupid. Or childish."

Lara Jean nods because the validation is somewhat helpful. She just feels so behind sometimes, when all of her friends are fine with casual and one night stands and she's still stuck in her fairytale.

"I just feel so dumb for letting it all happen. Falling in love with your best friend who isn't a falling in love type of person is the most idiotic thing in the world."

"You didn't choose to fall in love with him-" Margot tries to chime in but Lara Jean ignores her.

"And then actually making out with him. Like I made sure to break my own heart. And I ruined our friendship! I can't lose him, Margot, but I don't think I can ever go back. God, this is so bad ." She lets her head fall on her hands and she hears Margot sigh.

"Little sister, listen to me. Falling in love with your best friend is actually super normal, so you can't beat yourself up about that. He's a good guy, he treats you well, you like being together. It makes sense. A partner should be a best friend so you can't blame yourself for feeling what you feel. And you definitely can't blame yourself for kissing a guy you like who also kissed you back. I know it hurts, but you weren't an idiot for doing so, that's the most understandable thing in the world."

And that's precisely when Kitty joins their video call.

"Helloooo sisters, what is up - Lara Jean? You ok? Margot is she ok? What is happening?"

Lara Jean gets up then. "Ok, I can't do this. Margot, fill her in, I'm gonna go get some water."

She can hear their voices but can't distinguish their words as she makes her way to her kitchen and gets a cup of water. She checks her phone out of habit and just like every day since that night, there's a message from Peter.

Peter: covey, pls just talk to me

Her throat closes at that because she wants to, so badly, but she knows that when they talk it'll be officially over, because she can't do this, not anymore.

"Ok, I'm back and I am not in a good mood, Kitty, so just save whatever snarky comments you have for another day, please."

To her surprise Kitty actually looks sympathetic. "I don't have any snarky comments."

She lets out a shaky breath. "Good. I really don't think I could take them right now. Peter just texted me - again."

"He's been texting you?" They both ask and it's a testament to how they know she's suffering that neither of them says 'jinx'.

She just nods, once again not looking at the screen. "Yeah. Mostly to say he's sorry about how things went down or to ask if I'm ok. To see if I want to talk."

"Lara Jean, he clearly cares about you, one way or the other."

"I know he does, that's not the problem."

"Then what is the problem?" Kitty asks completely serious.

"The problem is that as understanding and nice as he is and as well as he would take this, it's all gonna change if we talk. I can't be his friend anymore, not how we were, not with him knowing. If we talk - then that's it. I can't take that."

"Isn't it already like that, though?" Margot asks at the same time as Kitty asks something entirely different that pulls at Lara Jean's heartstrings.

"Is that fair to him, Lara Jean? If he's gonna be out of your life anyway doesn't he at least deserve a chance, or at least an explanation? I know you're hurting but it's not his fault that you two are on different pages, just like it isn't your fault. I told you before and I will continue to tell you, not talking about your problems will not solve them."

And she's right, obviously. She may be going through a lot of heartbreak but she can hardly blame Peter for it, he didn't do anything to hurt her, he doesn't really know all that she's going through.

"Kitty I really hate it when you're right, you're the youngest, you're not supposed to be this good at giving advice."

She grins. "Well, someone has to!"

"Hey!" Margot complains and the convo manages to get a small smile out of her. It seems like the first time in days.

"This was very enlightening but emotionally exhausting so I'm just gonna go lie down for a while, I'll talk to you two later."

"Love you, Lara Jean, keep us posted."

"Yeah, love you, tell us everything."

"Love you too, thanks girls."

She hangs up the call and grabs her phone, deciding whether or not she should text Peter now that she's on the high of her feelings or if it's better to wait.

When she unlocks it, though, she finds other texts from Peter sent about fifteen minutes ago.

Peter: i'm outside your apartment building

Peter: i won't buzz in bc i don't want you to feel cornered, but i'm gonna sit here for half an hour and you can text me if i can come in

Peter: pls do lara jean

Peter: i really want to talk to you.

She just puts on shoes and goes out.

He's sitting in the front stairs of the building, like he said he would be.

"Hey," she calls out to him once she's outside and he turns his head immediately, apparently very shocked that she's actually there. She can't blame him, she has been ignoring him for days.

"Lara Jean, hi. You're out here." He gets up but doesn't move towards her. He seems uncomfortable and her heart breaks all over again.

Kitty was right, Peter deserves this. But she's already hurting.

She nods. "I am. Wanna take a walk?"

He agrees and when she's by his side they go down the stairs slowly, side by side, but not touching or speaking. He lets her lead the way and for a good five minutes none of them says anything.

"I'm sorry for ignoring you. I needed to think and I know I didn't handle that very well."

She's looking ahead, doesn't dare look at him, but she can see the movement of his head.

"No, you don't have to apologize, I understand. I was just worried. And I also needed you to know that I wanted to talk about it - whenever you were ready. Although I was hoping for sooner rather than later at all times."

She actually laughs a bit at that and he seems to relax a bit. She doesn't reply but points to a park a couple blocks down and he nods before they both walk once again in silence.

Once they are alone in the middle of the grass, some people running around them and some walking their dogs, but mostly at a fair distance, she stops and turns to look at him.

God this is gonna be hard. He looks so earnest.

"Peter… what happened that night was incredible and it's important to me that you know that you didn't force or pressure me in any way. I wanted it. I really, really wanted it and you have no idea how hard it was to stop it."

He doesn't sound accusatory, just inquisitive. "Then why did you?"

"Because I'm in love with you," the answer falls from her lips easily and without any control. That's definitely not how she planned this to go but it's actually good that it's out there.

His eyes widen and his lips part a bit, clearly surprised. "I-"

She isn't finished though, she needs to get it all out before he speaks because Peter somehow always knows what to say and she can't be distracted.

"And I know you don't want to be in a relationship and that sex isn't a big deal to you. And I know it was all very confusing that night. Being with you would be so easy, Peter, it has never felt as right for me, but I couldn't do it, because I have real feelings for you, feelings I didn't realize I had and that I definitely didn't plan on having and I don't know what to do with them, but what I do know is that we want different things. And it's totally fine, I want you to be happy and to live life the way you want to live it, but if we had slept together - this is already really, really hard for me Peter." She can feel her eyes getting wet and she looks up trying to stop it because she already feels pathetic enough. "I'm sorry I screwed everything up. I really am, I wish I could fix this somehow, but I can't, and now I really can't get away from these feelings and from how much I'm hurting. I didn't want to ruin us, but I don't know how to go back. I'm really sorry."

He doesn't say anything, instead he reaches his hand and cleans the tears that escaped her eyes with his thumb. She finally looks at him and for the first time maybe ever he has a blank look on his face.

It's really scary that she can't tell what he's thinking and she's sure that this is it.

"Covey, you got it all so, so wrong."

"What?"

He shakes his head in disbelief and a tiny smile actually forms on his lips. For some reason that scares her even more.

"It's probably my fault for being so adamant during college or whatnot about my views on relationships. But that was so long ago and I was still hurting and so much has happened since then."

"Peter what are you talking about, please?"

He takes a step forward and even though her instinct is to pull back, she doesn't. There's still distance between them, but he is closer and his hand is still on her face.

"Lara Jean I started having feelings for you months ago. Actually, scratch that, I realized I had feelings for you months ago, I think they started pretty much as soon as we reconnected."

That gets her to take that step back and his hand falls from her face, but his expression doesn't change.

"What?"

"Do you remember the wedding we went to together? You asked me afterwards if everything was fine. That night I realized I had more than friendship feelings for you. But then you asked if everything was ok and I noticed how I'd been acting weird and I didn't want to screw this up, so I just tried to hide it. God I thought I was doing a terrible job, Trevor asked me about it after that night at the bar, I thought I was so obvious. I thought you knew and was just pretending you didn't to spare my feelings."

Her mouth is hanging open and she knows it, but she can't close it. Peter looks so honest. It feels like a childish hope but it really looks like this could be real. Or maybe she's dreaming, that would make more sense.

Because if Peter is saying it, then he means it. He wouldn't hurt her like that, she knows that.

"What exactly are you saying?"

He lets some air out through his nose and she can see him starting to roll his eyes but stopping. "I'm saying I am in love with you, too, Lara Jean."

She forgets how to breathe for a second.

"But… the relationship thing..."

"That was always about not trusting people because of what they can do to you. But I've trusted you for a really long time, Covey. Like I said, that was an immature and skewed view that has changed a long time ago."

"You were going out to get laid that night. Possibly with a stranger!"

She isn't sure why she's fighting him so hard on this, but she needs to. There's too much at stake here.

He scrunches his eyebrows in confusion. "No, I wasn't. I was gonna go out to a bar to get wasted and I stopped in your room as one last attempt to get you to go with me."

"Peter, there were like ten condoms in your wallet!"

He actually laughs. "First of all I can't even fit that many condoms in my wallet and also they've been in there for months , I never clean my wallet, there are probably receipts from five years ago in there. Listen, I'm not gonna lie and say I became a celibate when I noticed my feelings for you, but they kept on getting stronger and at some point I just couldn't anymore. I haven't slept with anyone in ages. Because I don't want to, because I want you ."

"I..."

"Also it's important to me that you know I'm not Barney Stinson meets Joey Tribbiani, ok, I'm not the bachelor sleeping around that you think I am."

Lara Jean actually hits him in the arm because she doesn't care about that, she cares about the fact that he's standing in front of her saying that he's in love with her. Peter . Peter is in love with her.

"Shut up, Peter, I'm-" Confused? Overwhelmed? Ecstatic? Afraid? All of the above? "Are you completely serious right now? Because if you aren't-"

He takes yet another step forward, getting back to the same distance as before. "You know I would never do that, Lara Jean."

He touches her face with both hands now and she can feel her heart beating a mile an hour.

She asks yet one more time. "What do you want? For real, right now, what do you want?"

"To be with you."

"To be with me," she repeats, dumbly, just to test the words.

He nods. "Only you."

She gulps. "Like a relationship?"

He smiles even though she can tell he's trying not to, probably afraid she'll think he's making fun of her. "Exactly like one. You will be the girlfriend and I will be the boyfriend."

She has to laugh, even if very quietly, because he's so close and she still can't fully believe what she's hearing.

"Peter…"

"Can I kiss you?" he asks softly, his gaze locked on hers.

She nods and he slowly covers her lips with his, his hands still holding her face. She moves hers to his waist and just takes it in. This is so much calmer than what they did the other night, so soft and full of feeling. She feels like her heart is gonna burst out of her chest at any moment and she can't believe this is happening right now.

He breaks the kiss a while later, but keeps her face close to his. He smiles at her when they both open their eyes and he looks so happy. She's biting her lip to stop a grin from emerging but she's not successful.

"Are you free tomorrow, Covey? I wanna take you on a date. I want to do this right."

She laughs and nods. "Yes, yeah, of course, I would love that. Where are we going?"

He kisses the tip of her nose. "It's a surprise."

---

They are in his car headed somewhere she has no clue as to what or where it is, and she's trying to calm her nerves. As a rule, yes, first dates tend to be awkward, but this is Peter , her best friend. She's out with him all the time and they never had a hard time just being together - which is precisely why they are here right now, isn't it? Their easiness, how comfortable they are together, how all that they have in common made one fall for the other.

Fall for the other . She bites back a grin because she thinks she'll look insane just grinning like a cheshire cat out of nowhere in the silence of the car, but one quick glance at him and she can see the smile he had when he picked her up is still there. Her heart soars.

He'd given her a kiss as soon as she stepped out of the building, like it was the most natural thing in the world, and her head is maybe still spinning a bit. It was a light kiss, barely more than a peck, but the way he did it, the look on his face, somehow it told Lara Jean everything she still needed to know.

He wants this. There's no doubt about it.

"What are you overthinking about?" he asks, finally, because he's been clearly debating on asking something for a few minutes already.

She laughs at his word play because yes, everyone else also knows she's an overthinker. And yes, maybe she is doing so right now.

She doesn't know how to reply jokingly, so she decides for honesty.

"I don't want this to be weird."

He considers for less than a second before looking at her with the softest expression before turning back to the road.

"I think if things were supposed to be weird between us they would have been so for these last few years already."

She laughs because he has a point and she knows he's right, she's just nervous. She's over the moon that somehow she ended up here, with Peter liking her back and wanting to be with her, but the small worry that if this goes wrong they will be completely over in any capacity is still there.

She knows she can't live in fear, which is exactly why she's here right now, taking this chance. If she's not gonna fight for this, which is something she really wants, then she'll never fight for anything. The shadow of doubt still hangs though.

"I know," she replies simply, because she does . And she doesn't want to make this into a serious conversation before they even arrive where their date is supposed to happen.

Peter knows her though, because without taking his eyes off the road he offers her his right hand and grips hers when she clasps it.

"We both want this a lot. And we're gonna go all in, right? Everything is gonna be fine."

She nods and lets out a huge breath because the confidence in his voice speaks volumes to how much he's willing to work on this. "Right."

Not two minutes later he's parking in front of a restaurant. She's never been there or to that side of town, but she recognizes the place from the many billboards across the city.

"A steakhouse?" she asks curiously. There's nothing wrong with it, Lara Jean is very partial to all types of food at all times, but it's definitely not what she was expecting when he told her to dress casual, avoid heels, be ready at 12:30 .

He's out of the car and on her side before she can even register it, opening the door for her and offering his hand. "I know it was just a thrown off example, but I did wonder: can I be romantic over a plate of ribs?"

She's lost for a second before her memory starts kicking in. "Wait. Are you serious?"

He's smiling so big, like he's so proud of himself, and her heart is hammering on her chest. "I had no idea about my feelings for you that day, but ever since I realized them I can't think of anything else other than giving you your perfect first date."

She's at a loss for words and way more emotional than should be acceptable in the parking lot of a steakhouse at 1pm on a saturday. "You didn't have to. You don't have to."

He barely even blinks. "I want to."

She gulps and still wants to deny this, somehow, because it just seems so stupid to have Peter go through all of her childish fantasies.

"I know it's a lot, Peter-"

"Lara Jean." His voice is firm and it gets her to stop and fully look at him, a good head taller than her. "All in, right? And it really isn't a lot, to be fair. For now, it's just lunch. Can you do lunch? We'll take one step at a time." She nods. "Doesn't even have to be ribs!" he finishes and she laughs, hugs his waist and hides her face in his chest for a second.

"Ok, step one, lunch. But it better be ribs, Kavinsky."

They walk towards the restaurant together, his arm around her shoulder and hers around his waist and it feels so right she almost doesn't want to let go once they're sitted. It is actually fancier than a regular steakhouse, but it has the exact vibes she meant all those months back when she texted him about her ideal first date: it's not a romantic candle-lit restaurant filled with couples, fancy clothes, four types of forks and knives and glasses, waiters on tuxedos. It was a generally nice place, clean and beautifully decorated, with well-dressed and polite servers, but filled with people just having a good time and laughing.

"So, rate me so far. Restaurant choice?" He clasps both hands on top of the table and stared at her from where he's seated on the opposite side.

She rolls her eyes. "I'm not rating our date."

He makes a face. "Ooh. That bad already?"

She swats his arm. "Oh, shut up. Ok, and just because I'm really impressed, the restaurant is definitely A+. This is exactly what I had in mind and I have never been here."

He fake celebrates with a yes fist gesture and she giggles.

"See? Told you it wouldn't be weird. I'm very charming, Covey, you gotta trust me."

"You are very full of yourself, too."

" Too , meaning you agree."

She shrugs. "I suppose you do have some qualities."

He only has time to make a pouty face before their waiter introduces himself and gets their order, and from there it all goes as Peter had promised: like always. They talk, they laugh, Peter gives her some serious lovey-dovey looks that unbalance her completely and she feels confident enough to join their hands in the middle of the table a few times which he gladly accepts. Their food is delicious and she's honestly having a great time and maybe through most of it it's just her and Peter being who they usually are, but that's the beauty of it, isn't it? And also now there's looks , and touching hands, and intimates thumbs touching each other lips because there was something in your mouth and it feels like it always had but it also feels ten times better and she can't stop smiling the whole way through, even as they're leaving the same way they walked in, his arm comfortably around her shoulder.

"You definitely can be romantic over a plate of ribs," she tells him as he opens the door for her.

He smiles and helps her in, and once she's seated he pulls her towards him and kisses her briefly. "Good. Ready for step 2? I've got more romancing to do."

She nods and he circles back to the driver's seat.

"Are we really going to a library?" she asks because, yes, she had said that, but it's not really Peter's scene.

He nods enthusiastically. "Oh, yeah, and I'm gonna read whatever book you tell me to."

She snorts. "Even fifty shades of grey?"

"I will complain and make fun of you for the rest of eternity, but yes, even fifty shades of grey."

She laughs. "I would never be that cruel. I can think of a few I think you'd like."

"They're books you love, right? That's the prerequisite, I wanna get to know something you love."

And he's saying it lightly while he drives, as if it's no big deal, but it makes the butterflies in her stomach take another flight.

"Don't worry, I'll definitely find you something."

She takes at least half an hour just perusing. He took her to a neighboring city, a library she's never been in, and it's big and beautiful and she loves it. She walks through many aisles, fingers hovering over the spine of all the books on the shelves.

She worries Peter might be bored but every time she glances at him he's got a different book in his hand, mostly thrillers, and he reads the summaries and commentary of all of them with an interested face.

She settles with one for herself, and as she's trying to decide which one he should read, she sees the one he's holding.

"Oh!" she whispers way too loudly for it to be better than just speaking and rushes towards him. "Yep, that's the book I choose for you."

He looks up and shows the book on his hand - Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishigur. "This one? You sure?"

She nods. "Positive. It's really beautiful. Plus there's a movie so we can watch it afterwards to criticize everything they got wrong."

He laughs. "Alright, I'm sold."

She looks around searching for where to go but he grabs her wrist and points to the other side with his head, she just nods and follows, happy to go wherever he's taking her.

Almost hidden by two big bookshelves there's a swing door which leads to this beautiful space with couches and armchairs where both walls are just glass so the sun hits almost the entire thing.

"Oh my god, this is so beautiful, I could literally stay here reading for an entire day."

Peter's smiling really wide, clearly proud of himself, eyes focused solely on her. "Yeah, I called in this morning and asked if they recommended a place I could take my girlfriend for a reading date. The librarian freaked out when I said that and immediately told me that this was the best spot."

Lara Jean is still caught on the word girlfriend to fully register what he says, despite them having agreed on it yesterday, but eventually her brain catches on and that plus reading date plus this whole thing make her raise to the tip of her toes and search his lips for a kiss, and he leans down and delivers immediately. It's short and sweet, they are in a library after all and surrounded by people, but it's the first time Lara Jean's has initiated a kiss and she can see he looks pleased. She's beaming at that.

They find this big bean bag near a window, all of the ones near it occupied by people completely lost in their readings. Peter motions for her to sit down first and then he sits on the floor in front of it, resting his back between her legs and resting his head against her stomach.

"This ok?" he whispers to her and she loves this view, his head turned up to look at her, his eyes so earnest. She wants to sigh like she's in a shakespearian play.

"Only if I can rest my book in your head," she teases back even though this is a thousand percent more than ok.

He chuckles. "Go right ahead."

The romantic side of her would like to say that she's too hyped about being on a date with Peter - in a library - to fully concentrate on her book, but the truth is she gets lost in it almost immediately. Unconsciously she's all too aware of Peter's weight against her, his incredibly soft hair touching her hands that rest on the book she's perching on top of his head, his breathing visible on his shoulders rising eversolightly where she can see.

It's comfortable and nice and she's so relaxed with the sun hitting the back of her head, but she worries from time to time about how Peter's handling it, if he's bored, if he wants to leave, if he's just maintaining a façade for her which would be the worst possible scenario. But every time she looks up - at the end of chapters, only, the natural and only acceptable breaks in a book - he's focused, pages turning at a paced rhythm, and she can even see his expression change sometimes from the tiny portion of his face that she can actually see.

She can't be sure how long it's been, but she does know they spend hours in there. She half expected Peter to fall asleep eventually, but he doesn't, engrossed in his book almost as much as she is in hers - maybe more, because he doesn't stop all the time to check in on her.

When he moves and sits down, it's clearly because his back and neck are hurting from their position. He cracks his neck to both sides and stretches his arms up. She can see some of his muscles through his shirt as he does so.

"Wanna go?" Lara Jean whispers at him once he's done and turns back so he's sitting facing her now.

He looks at his watch. "We could, it's past six already. But I'm ok to stay if you want to, I just needed to move a bit."

She knows he means it and she can see from where he put the book down with a marker that he's made quite a dent, but that only boosts her to actually go and do something else.

"Why does it matter that it's past six? Also wow we stayed here a long time."

He looks at her like he's challenging her. "Come on, Covey. Ideal date, remember? What's step 3?"

Her eyes widen. "You found a carnival ?"

He's smiling so big he almost has double dimples. "I sure did and I'm winning you an entire collection of stuffed animals."

She can't help the excited squeal that she makes, although she immediately apologizes to those near them as they all look at her angrily.

"Let's go," she whispers to Peter and he grabs her hand before getting up, bringing her with him.

They go yet another city over, so the drive back will take a while, but Lara Jean really can't care at all when she sees the lights approaching them.

She feels warm all over as soon as they step within the fair space. She feels like a child going to the carnival for the first time, but she doesn't care, the excitement is too much because she's running towards where the action is and Peter's hand is clasped tightly on hers.

She knows it's not technically possible but she feels like she's in a movie montage. They go on rides, they play games, they eat all sorts of stuff - he steals some of her popcorn but then afterwards he feeds her some of his cotton candy and when his fingers touch her lips she feels like she might pass out, and he looks just as affected.

They step into a photobooth and they take silly face photos and he kisses her cheek and on the final one, without actually planning to, she grabs his face and kisses his lips, strong and decided, and even through the surprise he doesn't hesitate for even one second before he's holding her hands on his cheeks and kissing her back.

She looks at all the photos when they get the prints and she loves the way Peter looks in them. He seems so happy.

He wraps his arms around her back and rests his head on her shoulder.

"We look really good together."

And it's true, they really do. She can't help but think that Peter looks like he belongs by her side. She's not gonna say that, but it's staring her right in the face.

"Yeah, I love them."

He kisses her cheek and then turns her in his arms so that she's facing him.

"So, I may have thought of a possible step 4 for when we leave here, if you're up for that."

She hugs his waist. "Yeah? What is it?"

"A surprise. But we can do it another day, too, if you're tired or if you want to stay here for longer."

She shakes her head vehemently. "No, no, let's go." She holds his face between her hands again and locks their gaze. "I'm excited to do something you want to do."

"I wanted to do everything we did today."

"You know what I mean!"

He chuckles and kisses her forehead, grabbing her hands to walk back to the car. "I do, but just to make it clear!"

As expected the ride back to their town is a bit long, but every bit of nervousness and awkwardness that Lara Jean felt at the beginning of the day is gone by now. They can do this. They both want it, that much is clear, and they just spent an entire day together and it was every bit as happy and she thought it should be.

She recognizes the place he's driving to when they get close and she gasps.

"Oh my God, Peter!"

He looks at her in confusion. "What?"

"How did you know about this?"

"Wait, you know this place?" he asks when he parks the car.

She just nods, eyes locked on the sky that's visible through the front glass. "My mom took us here a few times when we were kids."

"Oh," Peter seems dubious now, so she looks at him. "I didn't know. Do you want to leave? I'm-"

She denies immediately. "No, no, oh my God, this… this is perfect."

He relaxes his shoulder but his hands are still gripping the steering wheel. "Yeah?"

So she leans over him and kisses him, finally properly kisses him for the first time since that night at the hotel. His hands move to her waist in no time, pulling her closer, and for a minute she lets herself get completely lost in the feeling of his soft lips against hers, his strong torso contracting under her touch, his hands squeezing her skin. Soon, though, she snaps out of it and breaks the kiss.

"To be continued," she says before he can even open his mouth. "Definitely to be continued. But now, lanterns?"

He laughs breathlessly. "Yeah, of course, lanterns."

The sky is already alight with several of them but there are still several people painting some and soaring them out there.

"My mom used to say that whatever you wish for with a lantern comes true," she says once they're sitting down with one in front of them, their legs and arms touching.

"Yeah? What do you want to wish for?"

She looks at him and bites her lips, unsure if what she really wants to say could ruin their so-far perfect day.

"I want… I want to wish for us to never hurt each other."

And it's childish, maybe, definitely a bit naive, because they'll obviously hurt each other at least a little on occasion, hurt is a fundamental part of human interaction. But she wants them to always try their best to consider the other's feelings, to minimize the hurt when they have to do something that'll cause it, to be able to compromise and to understand whenever necessary.

Peter's eyes are shining but she thinks it might be just a reflection from the lanterns above them - or maybe it's those golden specs that he still has and that she finds incredibly charming. He tucks her hair behind her ear.

"That's a good wish, Covey. I'm on board."

They paint their initials on the lantern and then light it up, pushing it towards the sky. Peter once again hugs her from behind and they both look as their lantern ascends higher and higher until it becomes hard to distinguish which one was theirs.

She squeezes his hands where they're clasped in front of her stomach.

"Thank you for today, Peter."

He kisses the top of her head. "Seriously, Lara Jean, pleasure's all mine. I love spending time with you."

She turns around in his arms while shaking her head a bit, and sneaks her arms around his neck. He ducks down a bit. "I love spending time with you, too. But I meant… back then you said you wanted me to get my perfect date with the perfect guy. And I did. Today was perfect from start to finish."

He leans down further and she raises to the tip of her toes, their lips meeting in the middle in what's a much tamer version of the kiss they want - at least the one she wants anyway.

"I love you," he murmurs against her lips when she pulls apart, giving her another quick kiss afterwards before completely pulling away.

There's no way he can't feel her heart thumping on her chest. "I love you, too."

The walk back to the car and the ride back into the city are both quiet, but it's comfortable and somehow intimate, and Lara Jean feels that it's a reflection of how she's feeling now: calm, confident and reassured.

She invites him in once he parks in front of her building, softly but confidently, and he simply nods and follows her. His hand is on the small of her back guiding her all the way to her apartment and it feels so familiar but somehow so new as well.

They kiss from the moment they walk through the door until they're stumbling into bed, some of their clothes already discarded along the way, but once they're lying down and Lara Jean is draped on top of him, their kisses get slower and farther apart until they break away and Peter gets both of her hands and kisses her palms, eyes locked on hers.

"Tomorrow?" he asks earnestly.

She has the urge to laugh, but doesn't. He looks so vulnerable and that's such a novelty. She hasn't felt this sure about having sex with someone in years, she trusts Peter enough and feels enough for him to know that she wants to, regardless of where this might end.

But she knows what he's trying to say without any words. That they started this whole thing letting their hormones take over and that had almost blown up in their faces. That today was about a different kind of intimacy. That they'll have plenty more time to do this, tomorrow and every day after that if they'd like to.

So she touches his cheek with her hand and nods slightly, "Tomorrow."

She slides down to the mattress clad only in her lingerie and Peter's arm drapes around her waist, his bare torso against her back, his breathing on her neck.

It's the fastest she falls asleep in days.

---

The next morning Lara Jean wakes up to an empty bed, and even though her first instinct upon gaining consciousness is to reach to the right side of the mattress, she doesn't worry when her hands only touch the cold sheets.

Any other time, any other day, she would have panicked - had they slept together in Baltimore and this had happened the following morning she would most certainly lose it.

But now there's a calm taking place inside her that reassures her completely. Peter must be in the bathroom, or in the kitchen, and even if he did leave for whatever reason, she's sure he'll come back.

She doesn't have to wonder for long because soon he's opening the door to her room with a breakfast tray in hand, his discarded shirt from last night back on his torso. She's still too sleepy for a proper reaction, but her lips open a smile so big that it hurts her cheeks.

"Morning," he says when he kneels on the bed and sets the tray in front of him. He looks so peaceful and happy , and he just brought her breakfast in bed. In her own place.

She reaches her hand to his arm and caresses it. "Morning."

He leans down to kiss her, almost as if he can't wait any longer, and Lara Jean is warm all over as his lips touch hers languidly.

She could get used to this.

"Coffee?" he asks when they part and she nods. He helps her sit down and she doesn't miss the way his eyes travel down her torso once the blanket pools on her legs. She is still wearing only her lingerie, after all, and she can feel shivers all over her skin as he eyes her. She tries not to focus on that yet.

"You can't just take me on the best date ever and then get me breakfast in bed the next day, it's not fair." She's trying to get them to focus on something else and he can tell, but he abides, a smirk on his lips as he pulls the tray of food closer to them.

"Oh, Covey, here's the thing: you're entering the Peter Kavinsky boyfriend experience now. There'll be a lot more than this. Get used to it."

She sighs in fake disappointment. "If I must."

She grabs the remote on her bedside table and turns on the TV to find something for them to watch as they eat. She lands on a channel where there's a The Office rerun going on and agrees when she looks at him.

He rests his back against the pillows and brings her to his side, and she snuggles into him as they put the tray between their legs. He got two cups of coffee, scrambled eggs and some pancakes with syrup. It looks incredible and she still can't believe that after everything she still gets to wake up to this.

A few minutes later as they're focused on Michael talking about his new tiny TV, Lara Jean hears a ping. Peter turns his body to the bedside table on the side he slept on and grabs his phone, but as soon as he checks what it is, he locks it again and puts it back where it was.

That gets her to realize she hasn't checked her phone since yesterday morning.

"Oh my god, my sisters must be worried sick, I haven't even looked at my phone for the past twenty four hours."

Peter looks a little sheepish. "Kitty texted me to see if I had news on you."

"What did you say?"

"That I did and you were fine. She asked for more details but I just left it at that."

"Ugh, I need to talk to them." Then she hides her face on his shoulder and whines, "But I don't wanna."

He chuckles. "Why?"

She looks up at him and twists her mouth a bit. "When you came here on friday? I had just talked to them and I may have been a tad dramatic."

He raises his eyebrows. "You? Dramatic? No ?!"

She elbows his side. "Shut up, I was going through an emotional breakdown!"

He fully laughs then and embraces her completely, plants a tiny kiss on her hair.

"I know. I'm sorry this whole thing was such a rollercoaster."

She lets herself go as she leans into him and circles his waist. "It's okay, it's not your fault. I'm just glad we talked and figured it out. Really glad."

"God, me too."

"I can't believe you've actually liked me for so long and never said anything. That's so not you!" She moves just her head back so she can look at him.

"Literally figured out my feelings when you had a breakdown about your ex-boyfriend and then panicked that I was being weird after you simply held my hand, I had good reasons!"

She squints at him. "Hum. I guess I can accept this excuse."

"Do you really wanna play this game? You also didn't do anything."

"That's different!"

He raises his eyebrows. "How?"

"I'm shy and it's my prerogative to not take initiative. Accept me for who I am, Kavinsky!" She pokes his chest and they both laugh before she reaches up and kisses him again, just because she can.

She moves to try to straddle him but then hits the tray still on the mattress and they break apart.

"Put this away, brush our teeth and then regroup?" he offers and she agrees with a smile.

He takes care of the tray and she fishes out a new toothbrush for him after she finishes cleaning her face. When he's in the bathroom she finally reaches for her purse to get her phone and her hands also grab the pictures that they took together in the photo booth. She takes both of those things back to bed.

Her phone is a mess, she's never seen so many notifications before. The groupchat with her sisters is still pinging as Margot and Kitty are currently talking, and it's so fast Lara Jean can't even gather if the topic is still her or not. The group chat with Chris and Lucas has over a hundred messages but she also has several individual texts from each and even some from Trevor.

Even her dad texted her asking if she's okay because apparently her sisters mentioned she was going through some things.

Should she just text them all and say that she and Peter are now dating and things are fine? That would for sure bring a lot of follow-up questions and she doesn't want to think about that now, because Peter is in her apartment and it's sunday and she honestly just wants to focus on him.

She opens the chat with her sisters first and decides on a simple message to send everyone: hey, i can't talk now but things are good, i'll text you guys later. She sends a variation of that to everyone and both Chris and Lucas reply almost immediately with two different phrasings for the same question: are you with PK right now?

She doesn't reply because Peter joins her back in the room just then and smiles when he sees the pictures she's brought back scattered on the mattress.

"We really do look great together, huh? Match made in heaven."

She giggles and looks at the picture he's looking at, where he has his tongue out and eyes closed and she's kissing his cheek.

"Uhum. I like this one better, though." She picks up the one where they're kissing. Despite being caught off-guard it looks like Peter knew the kiss was coming, him and Lara Jean completely in sync. She can see that they're both smiling into the kiss and feels her lips tugging up.

"Yeah, this one is definitely the winner." He considers for a bit then rests his hand on her thigh. "I was thinking… maybe posting this online?"

"Oh?"

"It doesn't have to be this one specifically!" He says defensively. "Just, god, my friends have been nagging me about you for ages and if I have to reply to every single one and hear 'I knew it!' every time I'm gonna rip my hair out."

She laughs and ruffles his curls. "Can't have that, your hair is too pretty." He looks at her with affection and mock annoyance and she falls into giggles again. "Ok, no, seriously, totally on board, let them have a fit collectively on instagram while we turn off our phones."

His smile holds only affection now. "Okay, here." He grabs the picture as she picks up her phone and puts on camera mode. "Hold onto this side, I'll hold here."

The picture looks great, her small fingers serving as a frame on one side and his big ones on the other.

"I love it. Shall I post it?"

He nods enthusiastically. "Send it to me, let's post it together."

She writes down "To new beginnings ❤️" on the caption and tags him in it, then they look at each other and agree as they both hit post.

She gets the notification for his post in seconds. It reads " Thinking forward to better times ❤️ " in the caption and she remembers his post from months ago clear as day as she reads it. She remembers the words thinking back to simpler times and then she remembers it's just us four now and then if it could be different, who we ended up with and then because you deserve it and anything, anytime .

She locks her phone immediately and grabs his from his hand to do the same before putting both and the photographs on her nightstand. He's taken aback by that but says nothing except for the humph sound when she climbs onto his legs and kisses him.

His hands find their way to her back in seconds, caressing her skin and pulling her towards him, trying to get as close as possible. She straddles him, her hands on his hair guiding his head to the exact position she wants it in so she can kiss him with as much fervor as they did the night in the hotel.

She runs her hands down his chest and tugs at the shirt he'd put back on this morning, eager to have it gone once again. She can feel his muscles contract everywhere she touches his and he shivers when her nails drag over certain spots.

He moves his hands to the clasp of her bra and breaks the kiss for a second to look in her eyes. She nods, eager, and soon he's removing the garment and disposing of it on the floor.

"Jesus, Lara Jean," he says when he looks at her and the hardness underneath her just gets more prominent. He pulls her in again, kisses her with passion and hurry before he bites her bottom lip and then moves his mouth to her neck. One of his hands holds her back to keep her steady and the other one moves to flick her nipple as he nibs on the skin of her collarbone.

She's panting already and all she wants is to finish what they didn't in the hotel.

His lips continue exploring her skin until they reach the previous focus of his hands and as he kisses and gives little bites on her breasts she whimpers and rocks her hips on top of him.

He's so hard and she's so wet and she wants this so badly.

She moves up then and while he is disoriented for a second she grabs his hands and puts them on her underwear. As she kneels he gets the message and slides them down. She gets up on the bed so he can take it completely off and before she can sit back down he grabs the back of her legs and places little kisses on her thighs, sucking high inside of them, almost to the place where Lara Jean really wishes he would touch,

But they'll have time for that later. Right now she just kneels and instead of sitting on his legs again she grabs his underwear and motions it down. He raises his hips awkwardly underneath her legs but she has a goal in mind and makes it work, sliding it off until he can sit back down and she can get it out of his legs, throwing it on the floor.

She sits back down, finally, her center rubbing against his erection, and she leans down to kiss his neck as her hand blindly searches her nightstand drawer for condoms.

She's pretty sure she's gonna leave a mark where she's focusing her lips until she finally grabs the little square package.

When she does, though, Peter pushes her away just enough to look at her. He's flushed and panting, and she's probably a mirror image. It's so hot that her brain can barely concentrate when he speaks.

"Lara Jean, are you sure?"

And the truth is she has never been more sure of anything in her life.

"My issues with sex have always been a lot more about trust than anything else, Peter, and I trust you so much. I really, really want this."

He nods slightly before she latches onto his lips again and he grabs the condom from her hand to put it on.

"Do you wanna change positions?" he asks once they're ready and she can see the desire in his eyes mimicking what she's feeling.

"No. Although,-" and this feels silly but she's thought about it like that so many times that she has to ask. "Can we just start it, like, on the wall?"

"On the wall? Like in the hotel?" She nods, biting down on her lip, and instead of replying he just kisses her and grabs her ass before getting up.

She hooks her legs around him and once he has her pinned against the one free wall of her room, he uses his hand to guide his dick inside her as he kisses her one more time.

She groans against his mouth as he starts pacing it up, careful as they figure out a rhythm that works for both, and she tightens her legs around him, silently telling him to push harder.

It's been a long while since she's last done this, so maybe her memory is not serving her well, but she doesn't remember it feeling this good - and she was definitely expecting a bit of pain after so long, but it doesn't happen.

Peter's lips continue exploring her skin wherever he can reach from how they're positioned as one of his hands explores her stomach and her nipples, and the other holds her to make sure they're stable.

She wants to reach down to her clit but she can see he's starting to get tired from holding her up and doing all the work, so she leans down and nibbles on his ear lobe. "Let's go to bed."

He nods and stumbles back to the mattress with her still firmly locked around his waist, his dick inside of her torturously still. He sits down on the edge and immediately she's kissing him again and unlocking her legs so she can straddle him and use that as leverage to rock her hips against him.

She moves her hand between them but he immediately gets what she was about to do and gets his hand there first, rubbing on her clit in a slow and torturous pace. She screams into his mouth and rocks her hips a bit faster, hoping for more friction.

She moves her lips all over his skin now, her position on top of him finally allowing that, and he continues his ministrations as he helps her hips with the other. The area she'd been nibbling earlier is definitely getting some color and she focuses on the other side of his neck now.

He has a thin layer of sweat on his skin and she can feel some beads rolling down her back as she continues to move her hips, completely lost in the feeling of him inside of her and his hand finally getting faster and getting her much closer to where she wants to go.

When she starts getting too close, she can't control her hips as well. "Peter, I'm-" she can't finish what she's saying because he grabs her and turns her around, laying her down on the bed as he increases the pace of both his hips and his thumb.

"I'm close too," is all he says before he kisses her one last time. She raises one leg over his waist so they can fit better and not long after she's screaming into their kiss, him following suit mere seconds later.

They lay there for several minutes, intertwined and completely out of breath, Peter's head buried in the nape of her neck.

When she feels like she's back to reality, she can't help but exclaim, "Wow."

He laughs and it tickles her skin so she laughs too. "Wow, indeed."

They part and take turns using the bathroom and getting cleaned up before she puts on a new pair of panties and a loose t-shirt and goes back to bed, ignoring completely that it's barely mid-morning yet.

He joins her and pulls the cover on top of them before circling her waist with his arm and pulling her close.

"Good?" he asks and she isn't sure if he's asking if she's good or if the sex was good, but the answer is yes to both, so she just agrees.

"Definitely good."

He kisses her again, calmer this time, and she sighs against his lips, blissfully content at how everything turned out.

"I'm really excited to have you as my girlfriend, Covey."

"And I'm really excited to be your girlfriend."

Just then Peter's phone rings and they look to the nightstand they see Trevor's name flashing across the screen. They decide to ignore it, obviously, but Lara Jean does pick up her phone just to see what happened while they were busy. There are several texts in all caps and way more notifications on instagram than she's used to. She doesn't care though, locking her phone and putting it back on the nightstand.

"More the office?" she asks Peter who seems to be about to fall asleep again - and she can't blame him, they got back pretty late last night, she's still pretty tired, too.

"Can't promise I'll stay awake," he says as they settle on the same position as the day before, spooning.

She snuggles against him. "Me neither."

The last thing she hears before she drifts off to sleep is how happy he feels right now.

She's too sleepy to say it, but she feels the same way.