Pan strolled happily down the long, winding dirt path threading through the natural park. She'd been down this trail many times and had with her a good-sized lunch—good-sized for her anyway. Summer was in full swing and the weather was beautiful. No more rain for the next few weeks and only a bright, healthy sun to fill the skies. She eventually came upon a picnic table that was quite out of the way to the typical passerby. She had to walk a ways from the path into the surrounding woods for a short while before coming upon a small clearing where the table sat incredibly stable and unmarred as if it was meant to be there. Its hidden location seemed entirely intentional, though Pan had never seen the like in such parks and it was completely unmarked by signs or any other indication. In fact, she would not have known about it had Auden not told her.
Auden was already sitting there at the wooden picnic table with his comparatively small lunch. She joined him on the other side. His long blond hair was predictably drawn up into a low ponytail and a passing gleam shined over his tidy eyeglasses as he looked up at her. It was warm so he did not wear a suit jacket and that was as undressed as he was willing to be out in public—she'd never seen him with shorts or short-sleeved shirts. He'd simply wear lighter, breathable material. He acknowledged her presence with a single nod and she smiled back wholeheartedly. It was always nice to spend lunch with him.
They'd started sharing lunch together last year and it had become a regular occurrence. It was something she looked forward to everyday—it was something to take her mind off of Malachi's passing. Her life seemed to be defined as before his death and after—she always referred to it as "the incident". After "the incident", she'd struggled with living altogether. Every other thought would return to that moment in time, when she saw him lying lifelessly in that bed. She'd lived alone in her apartment, but it had never bothered her until then. The loneliness had become unbearable. She realized that she was waiting for a call from Malachi so that they could talk about anything like they usually did, but that call would never come, not ever. Pan tried to distract herself with work, but it only helped a little. She felt utterly unfulfilled and each day ended with her wondering what the point of it all was. Her own answers felt half-baked and she knew this was dangerous. She knew she had to reach out to someone.
Auden had called her out of the blue sometime after the funeral. After complete radio silence for months, he had felt the need to contact her. He apologized for the long span of time between when she'd given him her number and when he actually called. His only excuse was that he had simply forgotten. He was reminded when he saw her at the funeral and then had had some difficulty finding the time to call her. A Pan prior to "the incident" would have been beyond upset. It would have been an unforgivable offence, but the current Pan was desperate for some sort of connection with someone so she forgave him and they said a few cordial words to one another. Auden was perhaps the most closed off person she'd ever met and often their conversation would be riddled with awkward silences and Auden apologizing and repeatedly saying that he was not good with such long drawn out dialogue. Some days were better than others when it came to conversation with him. Pan imagined that most wouldn't have the patience for such a person, but she was not particularly choosy at the moment and she liked the man after all. They agreed on a few places to meet for lunch and this was one of them if the weather was nice.
"Another feast?" Auden commented as he watched her take out container after container from her hefty lunch box.
"As always," Pan said with a grin. At work, she was far more concerned with appearance and wouldn't bring nearly as much with her, but with Auden she didn't feel the need to conceal things—she required a large portion of food especially at lunch time if she was going to make it to dinner without starving. "I see you're still on your 'diet'."
Auden's meal seemed more like a snack. It was another variation of a salad which admittedly was colorful with a lot of different ingredients, but it certainly wasn't what she considered a large portion and he would usually have a bottle of water with it. Every once in a while, he'd have some dessert or other extra food item, but like today, the salad was it.
"Just something I threw together," Auden replied—he would always say something to that effect.
He would even have his own vinaigrette or dressing with it and he would claim that he just so happened to have some left over.
"If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were a vegetarian."
"The idea of slaving away in a kitchen has never been all that appealing to me and most vegetables take less time to prepare. Out of laziness perhaps, I wound up eating just that."
"So you're not opposed to meat?"
"You've seen me eat that on a few occasions," he reminded her.
Pan shrugged. "Could have just been peer pressure—I'm always the one to suggest fast-food."
"Peer pressure," he repeated, "I doubt that has ever been a motivator of mine."
"Even when you went to school? I know that was the case for me."
"You and I probably had very different experiences regarding schooling. I assume you mean high school."
"High school, college, junior high—any of those."
"Even still," Auden said placing his fork down. "At some point, I realized that I wasn't going to fit in and stopped trying. Perhaps earlier than most, I noticed that peer pressure seemed silly."
"Well, well, a regular prodigy social connoisseur."
"Hardly. In fact, probably the opposite. I didn't mean to come off as some sort of know-it-all."
"Oh, that's alright—I like to imagine that you do know everything," Pan said with a grin.
"If it has something to do with software engineering, then you might just be right."
"Well, your magical phone happens to be able to do pretty much everything."
"Up to a point," he said modestly.
Pan found that she enjoyed complimenting the man as she wondered how far his modesty could go.
"But if I really knew everything," he continued, "I would know how you always manage to meet me at lunch on time when you work hours away. Seems like an impossible task or at least an arrangement that most jobs would frown upon."
"Well, it's not exactly a secret how I can get here so quickly," Pan said with a shrug, "I can fly."
Auden looked up and gazed at her with what Pan could only assume was a puzzled expression—his sharp eyes seemed to be in the process of reading her very mind.
"Trying to see if I'm telling the truth or not?" Pan said with a laugh as he studied her.
"I certainly can't tell if someone's lying to me or not—I was just trying to decide if it was plausible."
"Your daughter hangs out with Jensen all the time, and you don't know about all this?"
"She's never mentioned anything like this to me."
"Hold on," Pan said as she stood up and then backed up a little so that Auden had a good view of her. She had his attention as she began to levitate off the ground until she was above the height of the table.
His eyes followed her, but as usual, his expression hardly changed indicating nothing of the astonishment she was sure he felt at the moment. "Quite a feat," Auden said as he watched her float down again.
"That's it? No jumping out of your seat, no shouts of surprise? For someone who's never seen anything like this, you seem pretty underwhelmed about it."
"I was aware you were going to show me something and you did—I see no reason to be surprised by it. I can't deny what I see right in front of me. Sorry, if that was anticlimactic."
"You don't have to apologize for that. In fact, it would be nice if you didn't feel the need to apologize for being who you are."
"I will try my best not to annoy you with that."
"It's not about me being annoyed," Pan said with a smile, but it was clear the other wasn't entirely aware of what she was getting at as he picked up his fork to continue with his salad. "In high school, I really didn't fit in with anybody and I desperately tried to change that. I started pretending to be someone else so that I could feel normal. It worked for a while until I got tired of it, right around the time I graduated. I realized that the world is a much bigger place than just the four walls of a school and that people are varied. It was okay to not fit into a box because there's so much more you have to worry about than just that in the real world."
"It's all the real world whether you're in school or not," Auden replied, "You're always dealing with people, you're always making decisions about your life—big or small. The same people you saw in school are the same people you'll meet elsewhere only now they're all adults and that doesn't always make things better."
"I guess you're right, but it still feels different to a certain degree. Way more responsibilities."
"For some, the transition is a gradual thing as you become more and more independent. For others, it happens all at once and then you flounder until things start to make a little more sense."
"I'm guessing the latter is more your experience," Pan said.
"I'm still learning, just as you are."
"You? Learning? But I thought you knew everything," Pan said playfully.
"Yes, my omniscience is boundless," he said finally humoring her on this point.
Even if he never cracked a smile, she counted it as points in her book, but she didn't want to push her luck. He'd returned to his food, eating in his usual orderly manner. She watched him for a moment longer than usual wondering what it might be like to disrupt that order, to cause him to do something outside of his comfort zone. It was a consuming thought. He caught her watching, but she quickly took her eyes off him as if it hadn't happened at all. He made no comment about it.
Not too long after, they finished their lunch and parted ways. It had been a pleasant meal with pleasant conversation, nothing particularly special. Despite this fact, Pan looked forward to having lunch with him. She found herself interested in everything he had to say even if it was difficult just getting him to talk in the first place. She felt comfortable engaging in that daily challenge and it did seem that little by little he was becoming used to her presence. Something told her that he had very few people in his life in which that was the case.
She returned to her work mentally rejuvenated and fully ready to take on the stresses that naturally came with caring for pets. Her work demanded that she be compassionate and considerate of everyone's feelings no matter if that someone could not always verbalize their issues or pain. She felt she was quite good at reading animals as well as humans and this made her workflow much smoother. She was gentle when she needed to be and stern when there was no other alternative.
That day had been a long one and she was glad when she left the office late in the evening. She was supposed to get off a bit sooner, but that was not the case. As had become habit, she sent Auden a text message as she drove home for the day. Hope you had a lovely day at work.
She would always send something of that effect and he would text back a few minutes after with something thoughtful and meaningful, often longwinded. He was far more eloquent in his writing than he was in speaking. She anticipated his reply, but this time it did not come in the usual span of time. She assumed he was busy and didn't think too much of it until an hour passed and she was done preparing and eating supper for herself. Everything alright?
There was no response after a few minutes. She then sought him out with her ki sense. His signature had always been distressingly weak even when he stood right in front of her and she was still not familiar enough with his signature to pick him up at a moment's notice. When she couldn't sense him at all, she panicked perhaps more than what was necessary and flew off into the air to where he lived.
She made it to his place in record time and once there she could sense him again alive, but likely not well. Worried, she knocked on the door without further ado, but no one answered the door. The only one inside was Auden. Aster must have been elsewhere possibly at the Briefs.
"Auden, it's me," Pan called out as she knocked harder.
It was an impromptu visit and she knew he wasn't particularly good with unscheduled things, but this was an emergency. He felt weaker than usual and she could not figure out why. 'Please,' Pan thought to herself, 'Please just let this be some false alarm.' When no one answered for a while longer, she tried turning the doorknob and she immediately found that it was not locked—very unlike Auden. Even if he lived in a nice apartment complex, he always locked his door and he insisted upon it. Something was definitely wrong.
She stepped into his place, realizing as she looked around that she'd never been inside before. It was a tidy place, everything appeared to be functional yet it felt neglected. There was a living room she immediately stepped into from the front door and the sofa seemed as if no one had ever sat in it—it was just there for decoration. There was no discernible dent in the cushions indicating any sign of long use. The flat screen was a bit dusty along with the tables. As she stepped further in, she found Auden sitting at the dining room table that was surprisingly well-polished and clear of dust, but his head was lying face down on folded arms at the table. He had a steady heartbeat and his energy, now that she could see him with her own eyes, felt extremely languid. Maybe he'd just had a long day at work.
Just to make sure, she moved over to him. She hesitated as she reached out to touch his forehead. He hated being touched, but this was necessary. She needed to check his temperature. Very slightly, she lifted his head so that she could slip in her hand to feel his forehead. Just as she thought, he was burning up.
"Auden," she said gently with her voice close to his ear, "Wake up—it would probably be better if you laid down."
He moaned a little, but she doubted he was really responding to her—his eyes were still closed not to mention he still wore his glasses. Pan imagined that this must have been a very sudden episode as she couldn't imagine someone choosing to sit at a table when his own bed was right around the corner.
"C'mon," Pan said as she sat him up on her own and this time she received no response whatsoever. His head lolled to the side. She felt for his temperature again and she became a bit more worried for him. Had it gotten worse?
Eventually, she took him out of his chair and brought him to the very unused couch—she didn't feel right barging into his bedroom. Once she placed him there, he moved about of his own accord instinctively making himself a bit more comfortable. Though he tried, he looked utterly uncomfortable. His eyebrows were furrowed a bit and his skin was beading with sweat. She needed a cold rag, she thought. Giving him medicine probably wouldn't be a good option since she knew he was already on quite a bit of them and there was likely a very short list of over-the-counter drugs he could use to help in these sorts of situations without it reacting badly with whatever he did take.
Pan looked around a bit at the small apartment and found the linen quickly enough—it was the first door to the only hallway in the place. Quickly she soaked the rag with cold water and placed it over his forehead. He took a longer breath at this and his head turned slightly to the side in what seemed like frustration. Pan sat down on the smaller couch nearby knowing that it might be awhile before his fever broke—she decided to stay until she knew he would be alright. Every few minutes, she would re-wet the rag. After the second time, she also ran the cool rag over his face. She debated with herself whether she should also unbutton his shirt. In fact, she stood staring down at those buttons for a good five minutes before finally deciding against it. He likely wouldn't like that. It was bad enough she'd basically broken into his place.
Almost half an hour passed before his temperature returned to acceptable levels—she'd taken the rag away and set it on the living room table. She wondered if she should leave and pretend as if she hadn't entered at all, but she supposed it was too late for that sort of thing. He'd likely be confused as to how he'd made it to a couch and Pan supposed that it probably wouldn't be a good thing for Auden to think there was some inexplicable gap in his memory. It would be far less jarring to simply stay.
"Pan?" He asked wearily. He seemed to regain his awareness soon after his fever passed. His eyes afforded her a glance as he sat up slowly. "What are you doing here?" He'd drawn one leg up and one of his arms rested upon the knee.
She couldn't immediately sense his unease as his tone revealed nothing, but she did notice as his eyes travelled to the table he'd been sitting at before.
"You didn't return my text—I got a little worried. I had to make sure you were alright."
She could sense his heart rate increasing steadily as his breath quickened. It was just like on the day they first met and he appeared to be hyperventilating. Only in hindsight did she realize that she must have been standing too close to him. Now, here it was again—the very thing she'd been trying to avoid. All that progress she supposed she'd been making with him seemed meaningless as she watched his hands begin to tremble. He tried to hide this as he clasped his hands together. She wanted to reach out to touch and hold him, but that would surely make things worse. There was nothing really she could do. Given time, she knew panic attacks was something that could ease off on its own.
"I should leave," Pan said standing up abruptly, "I'm sorry—I didn't mean to startle or intrude on your personal space." She moved two paces before he spoke further.
"You came all this way here…out of concern. I'm grateful," he said between breaths. This stopped her in her tracks. "I'm very grateful," he said, "Please…you don't have to leave if you don't want to."
Pan looked back at him, but he wasn't looking at her. His eyes were closed and his head lowered as his rapid breathing continued. "A-Are you sure? I don't want to make it worse."
"You're fine. I'm just…being silly. Someone else other than my daughter in the apartment—I suppose I wasn't ready for that. My apologies."
"Please don't apologize. I completely understand. I just barged in here and you had no idea I was even here. It is a bit startling," Pan said watching the other.
He leaned his head against the back of the couch with a pained expression. "It's just silly," he said breathlessly.
"Is there anything I can do?" Pan asked as she moved slowly back to where she'd been sitting before. His condition had not changed.
"Just…give me a minute," he managed to reply.
Pan sat quietly then as she waited for the other to regain his composure, but it was not something that occurred instantly. It was something that he struggled with and she witnessed it for herself. A multitude of feelings went through her as she saw this. She just wanted to embrace him and reassure him that everything was okay, but that was too simplistic and in reality, that wouldn't work at all. Eventually, his breathing did slow and he began to do so evenly. She didn't speak though there was a lot that she wanted to say. He hadn't turned his head towards her yet. Perhaps he still needed some time. Did he even remember that she was in the room?
"A certain feeling just hits me," Auden said quietly, effectively breaking the drawn-out silence, "even when objectively I understand that it's not a significant event. I always worry. I always panic. In that moment, it becomes inescapable." He looked at her fully now. "I make for terrible company. You'd have a far less stressful time anywhere else."
"Why don't you let me be the judge of that," Pan said with a brief smile.
He shook his head slowly. "Sometimes, I don't know what to make of you. Nonetheless, I'm fine. That fever from earlier—a fairly routine occurrence. A minor side effect from my medication."
"Minor? Routine? You were burning up. Prolonged fevers or one that reaches too high of a temperature could be fatal," Pan said determinedly, "It's no small matter."
"It always passes just as quickly as it comes," Auden said with sigh, "And there isn't much else I can do about it."
"I assume you've told your doctor about all this."
"Of course, I have. The pros and cons were weighed and it was decided that the medication which caused the symptoms was vital for my continued positive…mental health."
"And you have to take all those medications?" Pan asked probing him a bit further.
"I've spoken to plenty of psychiatrist in the past and they all agree on this."
"That's not what I mean. I know you wouldn't be taking them if they weren't prescribed to you."
"Then what do you mean?" he asked perplexed.
"Have you ever tried working on those issues you do have, coping with them better? At the very least, something like that might reduce how much you have to take."
"That's easier said than done," he said looking away from her. She wondered if she'd reached a sore subject. "I tend to avoid things altogether and life has become much simpler for me though not entirely conducive to meeting new people."
"But you do work. You interact with others all the time because of that. I think that's a huge achievement."
"It's very draining," he said with a sigh, "And I know that if I ever quit that job, I'd go and hide in a hole somewhere so that I would never be disturbed by another breathing soul."
"So…you hate being around people in general, then?" Pan asked.
"Hate is such a strong word. Perhaps a dislike. If it's people that I know or are used to, it becomes significantly more manageable, but with a crowd full of strangers, paranoia sets in rather quickly. It has always been that way perhaps worse in the past."
He was sitting normally on the couch now with his feet on the floor. His eyes met hers and she was battling the blush that was coming to her face. Rarely did he engage her so exclusively. He often had something else to distract his eyes, his cellphone being the usual culprit.
"I—well, there's something I've been meaning to ask. I suppose I've been hesitating because I'm afraid of the answer you might give."
"Imagining you afraid of something is a bit of a challenge," he replied.
Pan laughed at this, "It happens, believe it or not. I just wanted to know and maybe you're just too polite to say, but do I…annoy you? I mean, I text you almost every day expecting a reply from you. I ask you to do things that you probably wouldn't do anyway. Am I just a complete nuisance at this point?"
"Not you, Pan," he said back. Hearing her name on his lips made her feel a bit giddy—he didn't often utter it. "I keep wondering when it is you'll come back to your senses and realize that there are far better people to hang out with for far less hassle. I may not like being around a lot of people at once, but that doesn't mean I hate all modes of interaction. And if you recall, sometimes I initiate a phone call rare though it may be. I treasure our friendship, however long you wish to humor me."
"I had no idea. Sometimes it's just hard to tell. It's sort of a privilege that you even humor me. When will you get it through your head? I just genuinely like being around you. I like to drag you out to places I'm sure is completely out of your comfort zone."
"That's true," he said sitting back on the couch. "And yet I don't mind. You seem like a powerful woman without a fear in the world—it's difficult not to admire that. It's difficult not to want to be around such an aura."
She was certainly blushing now and she wondered if he noticed. "You really flatter me too much." No one had ever described her in such a way. No one had ever admired her. This genius, this man whose mind worked on a level far beyond what she was capable had found her worthy of admiration.
"Perhaps not enough," he replied which did nothing for her burning ears. "I was going to text you back. It was, in fact, a lovely day at work. No sudden, unexpected issues came up. I was not needed at some other location on short notice. Everyone came in on time. And yet I was kept busy and the time went swiftly. I hope it was the same for you."
"Well, not exactly. It's always hectic at the office and sadly there's always people we have to turn away when the time starts winding down. It always bothers me, but otherwise we'd be in there all day without break. It's easy to lose track of time."
"It must be difficult having to deal with life and death situations on such a constant basis. It takes a certain kind of strength to bear it so effortlessly."
"It's all out of love," Pan said. "I like being able to help those in need."
"I see," he replied a moment later in a tone that wasn't nearly as pleasant as before.
Pan's eyebrows furrowed a little wondering if she'd somehow made him upset, but his countenance revealed nothing. It was at times like these that she wished she could read what was on his mind.
"Well," she began, worried that she'd overstayed her welcome, "I should be going, it's getting late and it seems like you're doing just fine."
"I suppose it is," Auden said without any hint of hesitation.
She stood up at this. "I'll be going then."
He didn't stop her as she made her way to the door, but he did stand up and follow her, making sure there was quite a bit of distance between them. She stopped before the door, placing her hand on the knob.
"Have a pleasant evening," Pan said glancing behind her. She smiled at him, but he appeared unmoved.
"You as well," he replied with little pretense.
She stood at the door for a moment longer than usual and then decided she couldn't take another step until she got to the bottom of his sudden change in attitude. "You're not mad at me, are you?"
"I'm just tired."
She glanced back at him again and noticed his thumb and ring finger pinching the bridge of his nose—maybe he was telling the truth. "Are you sure that's all?"
"We should talk later," he said plainly.
Pan sighed exasperatedly, "So it is something else. Just tell me, alright? It's not like I'm in a rush to get home." She turned completely to him.
His eyes met hers and he gazed at her for a few moments before answering her. "You like helping animals and people as well," he stated and she nodded at this. "I can't help but think that I'm your next patient. You see some kind of challenge to overcome and that intrigues you. Something entertaining to do in the short-run before it becomes tiresome and passé."
"Auden, where are you getting all that from? Have I ever given you the impression that I think of you like that? I…don't know if you realize it or not, but since the very first time I laid eyes on you, I was interested, very interested in you. I hadn't even known your name. You were a complete stranger. I know it's been a while since that time—a lot has happened since then, but that feeling hasn't changed."
"I'm not sure I follow. How could you be interested in someone you don't even know?"
His confusion puzzled her. She thought it was pretty obvious seeing as there was only one thing a person could observe about another from afar: their appearance. He was quite handsome in her eyes. She had a soft spot for blonds and the sharp blueness of his eyes were mesmerizing. Were he a more approachable person, she had no doubt that suitors would have been lining up. Pan grinned at him. "You know, I think I'll let you figure that out for yourself. In the meantime, I think I really should get going. I have an early start tomorrow, as do you."
"You're right," he said after a pause a little longer than usual. He must still have been trying to figure it all out. "In that case, good night. Have a safe flight home."
"I always do," Pan said turning.
She was glad to be back on good terms with him. It was a short-lived disagreement. Though his mood could quickly sour, it could just as easily be recovered. Auden wasn't one for keeping secrets so it was easy for her to find out what was bothering him.
Happy with how the evening ended, she took a bit longer than usual getting home. It was a lovely night and she wanted to bask in her good mood. Once she was finally in the bed comfortably, all she could see was Auden looking directly at her, but what really surprised her was the bright smile on his face—it was beautiful. One day she might see him when he was happy. One day, whatever hefty baggage he carried within himself, would vanish completely. For now, things were fine the way they were.
AN: Hello, fellow readers, I know it's been awhile since the first part of this saga ended. I took some time to focus more on life, but I've been missing this story for a while. I've been using what little free time I have to enter some original stories into writing contests. I think I'm getting better, but I really need to get this story out of my system as I constantly find myself returning to it.
Now, I haven't finished the outline for this whole thing, but I've written a great deal and thought I might give everyone a taste what is to come. Expect updates to come once or twice a month with some periods of rapid updates after I finish the outline.