"It´s time."
Rei´s voice spoke towards me, deep inside the sea of LCL as I realized that in the end reality is needed but…even then, as each time my choice distanced me from Rei her same words started to go through my mind once more.
No one understands me.
You´re the one that didn´t understood others
I believed that this world was perfect and that no one would betray me.
That´s because you believe everyone is like you
So I was never like them, so I was never their equal, I was never ever the same as them. I was below, didn´t deserve them.
No…
NO!
TRAITOR! You betrayed my feelings!
You´ve all used me! You´ve all furthered yourself at my expense, you all betrayed me! If I were gone…If I were gone…
You were wrong since the start. You accepted without asking.
Nobody needs me, so they should all just die.
Then, what are your hands for?
It´ll all be the same with or without me, nothing would change.
Even without me, would mother and father live? Would they still hurt themselves? Would I be the one to blame of all?
They should all just die.
Then, what is your heart for?
It´ll all be better if I didn´t exist, so I should die too.
Then, what are you here for?
Then you never accepted me at all.
Why do you pilot the eva?
What was that question?
"Because people ask me to pilot it."
It wasn't a lie Misato, Father, Kaji, everyone asked me to pilot it.
So you pilot?
Is it wrong? It´s for the sake of everybody! Kaji said it, it´s to do something since many others cannot. It´s to protect them, is it wrong?
You pilot the eva for the sake of others?
Yes! That´s a good thing, everyone praises me, then…
"That´s a lie. Are you stupid? After all, you did it for yourself. You always apologize."
That´s right, once again, she could be stating the truth, Asuka, facing me in her yellow dress she wore when I met her.
"To think you´re doing everything for others is an easy way to live."
Then she turned around, wearing her school uniform, a firm glance towards me.
"You´re lonely."
It could be.
"And that´s right, you´re always apologizing and depending on others."
Covered in her towel she reprimanded at me, once again judging me, and she was…right.
"You want others to depend on you, it satisfies your twisted little mind."
Mockingly in her red plug-suit and arrogantly before me judging me as I could only sit and meditate on her words, once again that´s a truth.
"All you are doing is waiting for others to give you happiness, a false happiness."
She mocked me before much behind her, in her school uniform Rei appeared and once again spoke towards her.
"Isn´t that what you do?"
Time went on, as I felt my body, my very being somehow disappearing. I experienced it before, my body dissapeparing, spreading throughout here and there, everywhere, it´s agreeable, i…like it.
Thus the very beginning of the complementation of people by the sinstrumentality of man.
Things that people lost, the lost minds.
Complementing the void in the mind.
The complementation by the instrumentality of the minds and soul begins.
All things return to nothing.
Everything Returns to the beginning, nothing but returning things to the mother which was long before lost, all the minds become one.
The complementation by the instrumentality of man, has just begun.
It yields the starvation within our minds.
It yields anxiety and fear within our minds.
The Case of Asuka Langley Sohryuu
What´s this darkness around me? It feels cold, strange, like a forest where anyone could look at me.
"I´m the Shinji within asuka´s mind."
I heard his voice, yet he wasn´t around, once again he was a coward. What are you doing here?
"What do you wish?"
He asked and I mockingly snorted, what I want is for him to disappear forever. I don´t need him, I don´t want him, I DENIED HIM!
I don´t need either daddy or mamma.
I´m alone
I won´t cry anymore.
I widened my eyes, no, that´s not me. What´s that voice that speaks for me, it´s not me!
Yet I hear my cries as a child, why? Why now? Is it another psychological attack on me!? Have I earned your hatred now that you attack me like this Baka? I´ll avenge myself!
It´s difficult for me to deal with that child.
That´s not like you.
A doctor is human, yet she acts too much like an adult, it scares me at times. Haven´t you had that feeling from her.
Anyway, you´re Asuka´s mother from now on.
And I became your wife before that.
Aren´t you both.
Yes, but I can simply quit being her mother at anytime, you however cannot stop being her father.
Stupid Shinji! I´ll get you! Don´t do it! Don´t see that!
No! Don´t quit being my mother! I´ll be a good child! So, don´t quit being my mother, look at me. Stop mom, Don´t kill me!
And then my mother was hanging from the ceiling, she looked so happy.
But I hated her face back then.
The eva series.
I don´t want to die.
My very last moments.
I don´t want to let myself disappear.
Stupid Shinji!
I don´t like boys!
I don´t like mom and dad!
I don´t like anybody!
That´s not me! I can´t speak, Stupid Shinji stop this, HELP ME!
Nobody protects me
Nobody is by me..
What does she wish?
So, I do live alone, BUT I DON'T WANT THAT. IT´S TOO PAINFUL.
I hate being alone.
I HATE BEING ALONE.
I DON´T WANT TO BE ALONE!
"Don´t desert me."
I can hear him, pitiful, laughable. WAS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED STUPID SHINJI!? Now I am sad…
I hate you.
Because i´m like you.
He answered me more moderate as I can see myself above him, he looked…cute, bishounen in his own sensible way, as he told me those words.
"NO!"
I finally screamed and clutched my head, that´s not true, as I remembered myself dying.
"…don´t kill me."
I cannot go through this anymore, I cannot…please…someone stop this, everybody is looking. I CAN´T!
Shinji glanced at the whole spectacle, akin to a theatre play and shivered, asking out loud.
"What´s this?"
Misato which stood by his side, grasping his shoulder explained everything.
"This is the instrumentality of man project that your father has carried out."
She stated and the boy couldn´t believe it, this is what his father abandoned him for, for this. This, place?
"Or at least, some part of it, I think."
She commented and finally Shinji faced Asuka, was it the real Asuka.
Please, help me.
…
No.
His heart stung as he remembered her denial of him, she denied him too, the world denied him.
"The truth is yet unknown to us."
She commented and the third child of Nerv couldn´t help but widen his eyes, what will he do? What can he do here? As others continued to speak and speak towards him he started to remember.
Asuka…
Her mangled body, what is all this?
Are you all safe? Was this just inside my mind.
There is a truth that changes through time.
This is the truth. The result of everything, is this.
Out of many truths, this is one.
This is what you wished.
"I wished this?"
He asked himself, remembering finally all what happened. Him being depressed for killing Kaworu, Misato´s death trying to drag him after she was shot defending him, Asuka flat-lining fighting some other Evas, getting out and glancing at her mangled body.
Did he, did he wished for this?
Yes, the destruction, the world, where nobody would be saved.
No, he never wished for them to die. He didn´t he couldn´t.
"NO. It´s that nobody saved me!"
He replied, by which the insults and the criticism continued by others towards him. Were they real, or everything just a byproduct of his own conscious.
Nobody can save you.
This is what you wished for.
The destruction, the death, the return to nothingness. All of these, you did wish.
This is the reality.
"What´s the reality?"
Your world.
With time, with space, with people, the world of our own.
It´S the world where you just wait for others to give you something.
This is your world no matter what.
´You´re cruel misato? Why are you doing this to me? Are you stating that I wished to not be accepted? That I wished for my father to leave me? That I wished for mother to die? That I wished to be left alone? That I wished for Asuka to die? To be like this? I wished for this all?´
"It´ the world where everything is already set isn´t it?"
No, it´s the world where your mind decides what will be.
The world where your mind decides what will be.
Whether is the wish to live or the wish to die, that's up to you.
"Are you saying that all of this, this insanity, is what I wanted?"
Yes.
Hot tears cascaded down his eyes, as he realized that in his own passionate feelings, he destroyed and killed everyone.
´Why should I return? Why am I trying? It´s their reality, I don´t deserve it.´
He thought with a sigh and shook his head, beyond he could feel her, his mother waiting for him, he widened his eyes…facing her once more, after all he did.
Assassin
´I cannot face her, mother…I chose to blame myself of everything! I killed them all! I don´t deserve it!´
He thought and as he floated he felt something thinner, was it a third choice, it was dark and cold, but in a way it was perhaps the best, to be lost forever. Would anyone miss him if he walked away, perhaps they wouldn´t. He was never anything for them at all. If going back to the world meant being used, being always below the others, being a vermin and having to kill everyone once more, carrying with those burdens, then he prefers to lose himself in the vastity of darkness than to face it all again.
´I have rejected the complementation, but that doesn´t mean that I´ll be welcomed back.´
And thus without further ado he swam towards it, the darkness the infinite darkness which was cold and hostile.
Terror
You run away considering nobody cares about you. You fear failure, you fear the thought of being hated.
And that is true, i´m just so used to being not liked by anyone that I simply accepted it because its easier, than acknowledging I could change things. It was easier not doing anything and not being hurt, than being hurt and doing something, Oh gods…I´m sorry for everything i´ve done.
In my own cowardice you all died; Misato was shot because I was unresponsive and Asu…·SOB· oh, Asuka died because I couldn´t reach to the Eva in time.
It was all my fault, everything, Instumentality, it was all my fault. I was given the key and in my own passionate feelings after Asuka´s rejection, I snapped and killed them all, just as I choked her.
Multiple cries were heard, but he ignored them it was all the complentation and them realizing that it´s been destroyed that he rejected it and gave them another chance.
Far away he could hear their voices, alarmed and also panicked, in his afterimage there was a everyone in his perspective, with their smiles and their blissful lives, he just closed his eyes and soon that brief warmth of the LCL was gone, and instead he continued to be washed away by the thick black waters in their cold depths as he smiled, for the first time in his life Shinji chose, his own penance.
THIRD CHOICE
´Was this what you told me about Kaworu?´
A stray tear cascaded down his eyes in infinite sadness, he was alone and he wouldn´t ever get help; Asuka rejected to help him when he asked her about it, Rei realistically told him that nobody ever accepted him, then why go back after ending the mess he created, no…he´ll just remain here, somehow this space feels familiar, very familiar indeed. Perhaps in here he can meditate forever on his wrongdoings, perhaps that way, he´ll be forgotten and reality could, take time to heal.
´It is time I pay for my sins…´
And in the depths of the black sea, his body continued to go further into the depths of it´s thick cold waters, finally Shinji Ikari was dropped into the abyss of loneliness he was always fated to be. He thought about his own fate as he thought about it.
As their applauses dimmed, he heard everyone say their words to him.
Congratulations…
…and thus the monster that cried "I" to the world, takes a leap into the darkened depths of the sea forever…
The Seventeenth Angel Tabris, glanced at the sea of LCL waiting. Waiting and yet seconds passed and he hasn´t arrived, far away he can also sense her, Lilith and yet he hasn´t emerged, the another also emerged already, the red haired girl the Second Child, yet the third one, had yet to emerge. SEELE almost completed it, the complementation, joining all the souls was almost completed in birthing a God through Lilith, and she would´ve won had it not been for a defiance, Shinji Ikari was the name of that defiance.
He chose, to undo it, seeing the flaw of everyone merging their AT-fields into one and undoing their complementation, humans now in their sea LCL can make the choice of coming back and redoing their AT field, through their own freewill. He reminded to all other Lilim´s of their own characterstic that made them Lilim´s, their own individuality, the fact that they chose to leave the womb and complementation to feel more, to grasp complexities that even Adam´s cannot.
And yet he hasn´t come back. Where is he?
"He´s meeting his mother."
Lilith commented and he rose an eyebrow and once again glanced at the sea of LCL, sometimes in between LCL vestiges of Dirac currents could be made.
Dirac…
Tabris then ceased to feel him, and realized the folly…he rose his head with a smile towards the sky and a strange feeling on his chest.
´And in the end, no one managed to even glance at his own heart. The AT-Field of the Lilim´s made them blind, and their own complementation makes them blinder, they cannot instrumentalize their AT-Fields like Adams because they are too blind, in their own marvel they can simply gaze at the sanctity of their hearts and souls, your own species flaw have caused you to lose your champion Lilith, I´ve won. And yet, I feel…not satisfied.´
Lilith came back alarmed and concerned, disappearing and reappearing, attempting to search and reach out towards Shinji Ikari, to one that doesn´t exists anymore in this universe and won´t exist in the other ramifications made. Shinji Ikari, has officially left.
"You won´t find him, he has made his choice. Must all that goes out of Lilin always stray away in their own individuality, must Lilin´s always attack themselves to the point of violation to reinforce their own individualty and love for themselves."
Lilith turned around and harshly spoke towards the Seventeenth Angel, whom apparently and without any respect she retorted.
"Where is he?"
She asked and he smiled.
"Out of it all, beyond our reach, nothing we can do. He now has started to expand his heart, to seek out his own holiness while the others just blind themselves again."
"The Dirac Sea."
She answered shocked, it cannot be…he cannot do, IT CANNOT JUST HAPPEN.
"I have to-."
Before Lilith could disappear Tabris took a hold of the female´s shoulders and he glanced at her wearily.
"It doesn´t matter how many times you try Lilith, you´ve lost, Shinji Ikari is lost and since he never got out of the sea, his presence was never able to be replicated into the further realities that stem from this one, all Shinji´s now will be born dead since their main component which is Shinji´s own core will be never there."
And thus Rei knelt down, widened eyes and not believing it, despair in her features realizing that now she has lost and in a blink of an eye all her existence would now cease to be, all because of a common scenario, Shinji Ikari being not there.
The Clones of Rei were flaw, they obeyed orders from SEELE, if Shinji Ikari didn´t pilot unit 01 then the Complementation would be complete and Lilin´s would die. Asuka Langley Sohryu needed of Shinji´s presence in the complentation to realize that it was a flaw and get out, without shinji she´ll simply focus on her frustrated affections towards Kaji and from there, also humanity will perish.
In all scenarios everything was a common thing, for the Impact, The Instrumentality and the Complementation to be denied and flawed, Shinji Ikari needed to be there, without him then everything else wouldn´t have happened, yes, the individuality of humans would´ve made the complementation a flaw, but in all events there´s one keyholder, the one whom holds the whole scenario, the one whom leads everything from unit 01´s cockpit.
Doom
"Then there are people whom deserve to be by his side, if this multiverse has ended, then another shall be for them to rebuild."
Rei-Lilith declared to Tabris whom blinked and just stared at the moon.
"It´ll be useless, the depths of the Dirac Sea are an infinite flowing current. Even if you manage to summon enough energies to open a rift to it, there are no possibilities for them all to be able to go the same path."
Rei-Lilith acknowledged that it was impossible to reach back to Shinji, but that didn´t meant that she cannot try. Rei II´s will and beliefs were on her, she´s Rei II and yet also Lilith, strange and yet she felt compelled to try and attempt something impossible, for him which always felt concern towards her. Deep inside the sea of LCL she could hear many voices, everyone was just flawed and all of them denied the others, their individuality making the complementation a flaw.
Grasping on Yui Ikari and Gendo Rokubungi, she opened a rift to the Dirac Sea, and threw them, herself weak and she felt each time weaker, there was not such time to waste, diving back to search her, Rei-Lilith in the last of her power latched upon those she could desperately, those that never managed to end their stories, and threw her into one final rift in the Dirac Sea…with it a testament of goodwill has been done and Lilith finally managed to send the seeds of her will to another world,
´May this be my last gift towards you Ikari Shinji. You are not alone.´
And thus both Lilith and Tabris awaited for humanity to come back from their near destruction, as a new champion shall rise in all the multiverse to save the world against the treacherous plans of SEELE, for the first time in his life, Shinji Ikari will finally be able to control his life and seek out his own happiness.
It´s cold, I can feel it already on my heart, my bones, my very being.
…
Were we ever happy?
The question sounded within me, of all the multiverses was there one where I was allowed perhaps to be selfish, for you to open up and perhaps to…accept me, to say yes instead of a no.
…
I guess not, ·snort·.
If only father allowed me to go and defend you, I would´ve taken Arael´s attack for you, damn it I couldn´t approach you and in my own lenience, you died and I didn´t do anything.
…
You fear Rei and Misato.
Rei, I don´t know what she is…I thought I knew her but then it all came sudden to me. Her origin, her being built by father and being just an empty core, was she? Perhaps she is, even then, it scares me how attached I could grow to an empty being, and with real beings I simply, I simply couldn´t.
Misato
She praised me and she mocked me, she…she´s a realistic cruel person. But perhaps we are alike in the case that our parents left us, but for entire different reasons.
A WORLD WITHOUT EVA
I want it…
Feels so blissful, my own dream, and yet I couldn´t believe it. Asuka as my childhood friend, it simply is not ever a truth at all…i´m not allowed to live happy myself after all i´ve done to them, my penance, i´ve freely chosen it and It is perhaps for the best.
Why?
I blinked not realizing everything as I felt the coldness grow somehow warmer.
Why did you never lash out at your father and mother during the instrumentality?
What?
Denying your own nature as a Lilim, and instead attempting to embrace the Adamic path…
Beautiful
Tragic
Brave
Why didn´t you faced your parents in the instrumentality?
What would be the purpose of it, in the end. Father hated me, mother left me, because I wasn´t enough, I chose them to leave me.
Just because they glanced at you beyond your AT-Field and your Photon-Rays doesn´t mean they get the full vision.
What do you mean?
He´s still a Lilim in his core
Yet he willingly chose to compliment them
He didn´t wished to be the God, but even then he took it
An apt choice
He died
He´s still alive
It´s not enough
To live again one must die
What would i´ve obtained from it?
Righteousness
Justice
War
Closure
I feared my father´s presence, and hated my father´s existence, I loved my mother´s memory, but I…I hate her physical absence.
-Komm Susser Todd-
Instrumentality Part 3
The Case of the Ikari Family
Gendo Ikari
I´m used to be hated.
Gendo fixed his glasses and glanced to the darkness, as Yui appeared at his front, with a kind smile and her eyes, spoke of understanding.
You fear being loved.
To his left, Shinji appeared sitting on a chair, tears on his eyes and glancing to the horizon.
Don´t hate me.
Ever since I was born, I simply…didn´t had a true purpose, and I believe I found it with science.
I miss Yui.
Beyond, a younger version of Gendo Ikari appeared with his old glasses, hair overshadowing his eyes, he spoke emptily, in pain.
I…I never thought I was capable of loving or being loved. In a way, I simply never thought I had a reason to.
But you chose to love.
Free will.
I was afraid that it was all a lie.
You are afraid of the bonds you made.
Did you ever loved me?
When Yui died, I couldn´t take it.
Yui…I need you.
And yet he needed me.
I Can´t handle this without you, Yui.
Don´t kill me
Accept us
Don´t leave me.
I deliberately chose Yui over Shinji, I chose to sacrifice him in the very wake of the instrumentality, for that reason I chose to leave him, control him, take away his freewill.
If I can´t be happy, why should I feel for others.
You couldn´t acknowledge that I lived, that I lived in our son. You ditched away what we both conceived for a faux dream of coming back to me, to a faux realm that in the end, would´ve made us both empty.
NO!
You forced your own situations to Shinji.
Why?
He´s a tool!
Then so is Yui.
…
No!
Yui is not a tool, she´s a beloved person.
So was Naoko and Ritsuko.
DON´T COMPARE YUI! She´s not the same as them.
It´s the truth, anyone would be the same. Yui, Naoko, Ritsuko; you never cared. You would´ve placed Yui naked before the Committee, you would´ve told Yui was an Old-Lady and she would´ve thrown herself away.
LIES!
I wouldn´t have placed Yui before the committee for Rei, Rei´s value is not even quatified as Yui´s, I would´ve given all Reis for one of Yui, for her to come back.
Rei…
Yui wasn´t by my side, I needed a female that I could have, a female with the genes of Yui that could make me not forget. Just because I held her in my heart, and retrieved all photos, I needed someone to be living that memory in life. Rei´s only purpose is to just be, there, as long as Yui isn´t there, she´s valuable than anyone.
Even than your own son and myself?
NO!
Why did you forced Shinji to pilot?
Because it was his duty.
I just wanted a family.
Yui´s dead, there´s no family at all without her!
Why the Eva?
It was a weapon Yui blue-printed, Yui´s own work.
You used her.
No, that´s not it.
You stole from her then?
No, I just borrowed it.
Why Shinji?
Because he had to pilot Unit 1 since Yui´s soul is inside it. Then I realized that Eva´s could only reach higher potential if a soul is placed inside them and thus, with my own findings sent to Gehirn Germany, Kyoko Zeppelin Sohryu was faced through the same scenario my Yui went.
You killed Yui.
NO!
I didn´t killed Yui, we needed to test the Eva Unit-01 to see how much communication and bond could the robot and its pilot have.
You could´ve waited for your son to age and do so himself.
…
No.
Gendo whom was now sitting down on his mythical chair and desk across him he had his eyes widened, and he voiced that already weakened.
You wanted results faster, you envied your colleague Dr. katsuragi, you knew of his potential flaw and failure and knew that if you didn´t get results then the Committee wouldn´t have funded you, even when Yui´s father was part of the committee himself.
You used Yui ever since the start.
Lies!
I didn´t used Yui for that, i…I didn´t.
Even when Dr. Fuyutsuki himself acknowledged that you used Yui to get deep into SEELE.
…
I´m sorry.
What do you truly want?
I want to not be hated.
To not be alone.
I want Yui
I want my family back.
I want success.
…
Even when you both as a couple had happiness. You ditched away and manipulated everyone around you and your son for your own ambitions.
Both Gendo and Yui widened their eyes.
I love my son.
& Yui Ikari
Why weren´t you there.
Even if my body´s intangible, my love will always reach you Shinji.
Even beyond your personal scientific goals.
Before a scientist, I´m a Woman and a Mother, I have a husband and a son.
Were those words for them, or to reassure you?
Mamma…
The boy was hurt, already so much tears on his eyes glancing at his mother, whom glanced at him warmly.
Shinji
You manipulated Shinji to follow Gendo´s own scenario and SEELE´s to initiate the Complementation.
I love my son, and that cannot be denied.
One action of help towards him doesn´t outdo a lifetime of abandonment, or a medular moment where you chose to not hear.
…·Cry·…Asuka…I´m sorry
What do you mean?
You killed Asuka Langley Sohryuu and placed the blame conveniently on your son to play in the scenario, using his frustrated affection towards her as an impulse to ignite the Third Impact.
I would never do that to my son!
Mamma, ·Sob· No…
Shinji, I couldn´t listen
You couldn´t or chose not to?
I can´t do it anymore, it´s enough.
You fear your parents.
I…why did they did this to me? Does anyone love me at all?
You were manipulated by your parents.
Was I?
Your father willingly sacrificed you to gain your mother back, and your mother willingly sacrificed you for her own goals.
In the end, would I ever be happy?
You must accept that fact, that no one accepted you or loved you. Only by accepting the whole truth, can one start a new life.
What about their feelings for me? What about their love?
You were placed before everyone, taking the blame that they should´ve and you faced them all in the instrumentality, you were blamed for holding a key and doing an action, not knowing that you were inherently programmed to make that choice.
But I still did it.
You wouldn´t have done it had things gone different, you cannot change the truth. Your mother and father manipulated you and weaponized your heart.
·Sob· Please…don´t do it anymore, I give. I can´t.
Then…it is time.
Are you sure?
Would you rather let it stay like this.
Shinji Ikari, you chose to get away…in your penance which is this. With this, it is time to open up your heart.
What is?
It hurts, it burns…
A loud scream was emitted in between the darkest depths, no one to hear or save him.
I used you.
A pair of blue-gray eyes glanced at a young man with crimson red eyes and whitish silver hair, Kaworu Nagisa a person that personally and to his front told him that he loved him, out of many the one that told it to his front.
No, it cannot be true. His lips twitched and he shook his head.
"Why now? Why do you do this? I loved you, i trusted you, I blamed myself for your death!"
In the end my death aided the plan, it was all for I to exist to be a mere cause of the impact.
Y-you...
TRAITOR!
He betrayed my feelings too, out of all the trust i used to have on others was for nothing; was anything worth it? Was i even loved at all!?
Do you now see the true nature of your story?
"Please...i can´t do this, it hurts...please, i give."
What you learn cannot be unlearned, your mind has preferred the comforting lies others danced around you, rather than the unpleasant truths that your life was subjected to.
Would you believe in them again?
"Shin-chan."
His eyes widened as a brown haired kind woman, dark brown eyes in a pink blouse and a blue long-skirt that reached to her knees appeared before him, a woman associated with love, maternal feelings of protection, not death and misery.
A shrill scream of despair and angst echoed through the sea of darkness, the boy knelt down and gripped his head, tears cascading down his eyes.
´This is hell.´
I hate you.
Do I truly hate him?
Why shouldn´t I?
He saved me.
Liar! He killed me.
Do I want him to die?
I…
…I
Estrangement, not being around a place you feel familiar with, surroundings that are strange are around and you rather not know how to react, a pair of blue eyes glanced fearfully at the machine as a dark reddish purple haired woman pressed a few numbers on the fluid-infusing machine, the young man brought to unconsciousness and with mechanical ventilation, thankfully without a orotracheal tube installed, continued to check over a brown haired young man´s overall vitals, the mechanical ventilation providing the needed support the boy couldn´t find in himself anymore.
I hate him.
Do I?
"His own mentality could be disconnected from our reality."
A dark blonde haired long-haired woman had her arms crossed and commented on the case, not clearly having any sympathy at all, not even when talking about a potential would´ve been redeemed hero, such is the broken mentality of a human and that much it can reach, selfishness and pride is perhaps a most, it´s on our human nature to look at our own wounds than at others, not even realizing that we have hurt others along doing so.
Second choices at life aren´t ever given, in a realistic world, such things are usually done by a divine intervention or something of the sort; when Rei-Lilith took a hold of their essences from beyond in the realm of the instrumentality deep into the sea of LCL she told them all the same, the world´s been rebuilt, but Shinji Ikari didn´t came back from the sea and instead chose to dive into the depths of the Sea of Dirac, with a portion of her powers she has thrown them into the sea of dirac, to the unknown realm beyond it.
"Instrumentality…"
She shivered at hearing the title of such event, the fact that she could still be in this nightmarish realm hurt her heart and made her more unstable, glancing at her utmost beloved real mother by her side, acknowledging her and being a real mother was beyond the sweetest dream for her, the fact it all could be a fabrication or a lie, a mere dream-like world created by her own mentality, was twisted and evil all through, , in there she got a close contact with young Ikari´s feelings and intentions towards her, what he felt for her, what she interpreted as rejection was mere shyness, his own insecurities that at first she wasn´t aware off came all forth the moment she was back in the world with the adults the world missed.
He´s weak, always attempting to find excuses or escape from all the problems.
Would I run away?
She snorted pridefully but at the same time had to repress her innermost feelings, the wall that the Instrumentality has torn from her has caused her mentality to be unstable, moreover this whole too-good-to-be-true place was also something out of a wish, listening in to the adults spoke strains of the story that her ears perhaps too young or too unaware of her surroundings got her to realize how equal she was to the unconscious boy and yet how different they are, although deep inside, they both bleed.
I´m sad
She acknowledged it, approaching to the bed, being aware of the cables, machines and carefully not to interrupt any sleep.
´I failed you.´
To a dark haired male´s side is a young woman, adult or perhaps early thirties adult leaned her forehead on his fragile hand, and for the first time her hand touched it, she took note of his skin, soft and warm, even in the cold room. Of course its warm wasn´t fit, it was a gentle hand of long digits. She cupped the hand as a treasure in itself, the most fragile thing in her world, after experiencing her own instrumentality, she went to the young man´s and after solely placing the blame on him like many others did, she managed to peek at the Commander´s own instrumentality and of his wife, and in there it was a self-spiral of her own self-loathe, regret and she also got acquainted with how visceral her hatred could be, and how frustrating also instrumentality could be.
She will never forgive nor forget what they did; one whom without care literally just gave away her son and followed her husband´s plan like the bitch she is and the latter for being a hellspawn; both have damaged the boy´s mentality, dropping on the boy barely waking up, what did they both expect? To be embraced by a crying boy, for the Gods, both parents truly traumatized the boy for life.
Mourning and lamenting, her seasons have been shaken with that scream he emitted and those eyes he had, and all she could do was blame herself for it, finding in the unconscious boy´s presence the escape to everything else, being by his side frees her and what a foolish woman has she been for escaping or perhaps attempting to brand something superficial to something deeper.
He lied in the bed, through his mouth a tube connected to an artificial ventilator provided oxygen, one could easily see through a slightly engorged adam´s apple that it went through his throat, the machine constantly beeped stable changes in respiratory rhythm, meanwhile to his naked chest, six adhesive round rubber stricks were on his chest, wrists and ankles, providing a safe, secure and stable electrocardiograph read of the whole left and right heart circles, one of the veins of his arms connected to an IV drip, meanwhile nearby his very neck a central venous catheter connected to provide polimeric solution for nutrition, and connected to his head were cables that gave a stable electroencephalogram read; all of the monitors kept to confirm vital activity mostly, that he´s alive and well more than anything else.
So mocking life throws others down the drain and hits harder on some than others. To believe that the Invincible Shinji, pilot of EVA-Unit 01 could be brought to this critical state of disconnection from the outside world, that he would need artificial lungs to remain alive, not being capable to even take a breath as her lungs do.
Was this what she wanted when she blatantly denied his existence?
It´s my fault.
He doesn´t suffers at all, what do I owe him anyway?
She snorted and glared at the male, with a mixture of feelings, perhaps due to this being the first time she has seen a human being or someone so, damaged, if that could be the word; he was always lean, but not skin clinging so closely to bones.
Many questions ran in her head about what happened, has she been perhaps too judgmental or too harsh on him. In her own desire to mean something to someone else and be beyond just a doll to be used and discarded, even if in Nerv they used her in such a way anyhow, why would he torture himself?
Why would he damage himself?
Has he really reached so low to forever isolate himself from others?
Run away and leave everything.
She growled, coward. Would rather run away than face the truth of the situation. Is wanting to grow up and be an adult such a bad thing? Yes, she was perhaps a bad person but didn´t meant she was inherently cruel and enjoyed making him feel bad each and every day, she only stated the truth, to her eyes of course, but truths are truths and she´s that way. Moreover, the very frustration she feels towards him is just, immense.
What does he think of her truly? Is all between them just lust and nothing more?
´Why am I here?´
She glanced rather harshly on the unconscious male at all, why was she here glancing at that pathetic excuse for a human being? Why not laugh at his own expense? In his own attempt to run away in his self-loathe apparently some Godly being saw it laughable to make his existence pitiful by dragging them all alongside him. So the Invincible Shinji has been defeated, so much for a sore boy whom cannot handle the fact that people could hurt him or reject him.
But she also does the same with her arrogance.
´I hate him…´
She thought but her thoughts never met her face, what drove the stupid overbearing neglected idiot to give them all a chance and plunge himself into the depths of nothingness. Was it his ultimate nirvana to be away from everything? To find a place of retreat and live off of his own self-loathe and have a pity-story to live off by the pity of others?
Her hand moved towards his neck first, causing a pair of brown eyes across from her to glance warily at her movement and intentions, her grip though slipped frother from his neck and settled on his face.
It would´ve been easy to go on after she said that no there, end that nightmarish thing and go back to the world, to everything normal once again. Be the same Asuka Langley Sohryuu she´s always been, the selfish and arrogant girl whom strives to be the best EVA Pilot in all the world, however, what happens when you remove the EVA from the equation, fully, suddenly and without a time to ever obtain a reprieve.
My life means nothing without it.
Those were her words in the instrumentality, of a broken woman whose only meaning of existence relied in being a useful weapon for the gobernment and nothing else, even with her real mother´s return to the world of the living and sane, it abruptly changed her; and apparently it all went around the now unconscious boy. She interpreted his actions and intentions as a mere selfish way to gain her attention, without giving back in return he expected everything to go back to him.
He proved it wrong when he chose to give everything and give them all a second chance, but something happened that the process was never complete. Everyone is now aware of Shinji´s true intentions and how it all got somehow fucked up, something inside his mentality made him doubt, something happened that made him simply not return to the common world and instead sink further into the vast unknown.
·Sob·
´I hate you.´
Because we´re alike.
"I hate you!"
He hurts her, it hurts so badly that he remains unreactive and having not answers to all the doubts she has, easy would be to face him and just make him finally confirm if everyone was still in the Instrumentality or not, instead he falls further unconscious to the point of being half-dead. How is it funny to be in that state worrying everyone?
But, why the concern anyway?
He´s the pilot of…
And thus she realized it once again, in this world there´s no EVA, there´s no bitterness, no sadness, no pain, no trauma, it was all given back as a gift, all in hopes for her to be a normal person and she certainly has more than what she could ever ask, but…yet. Was she selfish for everything still not being enough? She growled in frustration, her walls have been diminished and perhaps let down slightly, it has all been emotional and a great rollercoaster since she was brought back.
"why?"
She whispered and glanced at him, why did he chose to follow his parents plan? Why did he clung to them when they treated him so badly? Why did he loved at all? Why is he still unconscious? Why can´t he look at her?
The copper-red haired female whom sat down on the only chair allowed nearby to his left and she frustratingly took his hand, why does he attempt to live in a world that hurts him? Why at all? Why!? Gripping his hand, she tried to move him, she needed to burst her own bubble, to either determine if she was in the instrumentality or not, as the copper haired female glanced at the unconscious young male.
"Don´t stand there…baka."
She retorted almost silent to the unconscious, she hated his silence, the stillness, the very fact that he never reacted and just cried at everything that happened around him. Does he want her? Does he hate her?
"TALK TO ME!"
She bossily screamed at him but he didn´t reacted, Asuka´s face reflected her irritation and perhaps slowly accumulating anger at the fact of the unresponsive male. On other instances he´s been wounded she didn´t cared, and perhaps nowadays she didn´t gave a shit for the male´s health, all she wanted to know was if this was the instrumentality or not, she…she cannot take it if it were. Knowing or being aware that the eyes of others could be upon them, glancing at them and perhaps even reading their very own thoughts as if it all were a novel or a movie. Her out-cry caused Misato to open her eyes and glance at Asuka whose focus was on the unconscious young man all she did was see.
Asuka shivered in fear, that was hell to her.
Is he alright?
She cannot deny that the instrumentality connected her to him on a deeper level, she glanced at his soul and he in turn glanced at hers, at something to intimate that nobody but himself did, in there she got to know his true feelings for her; and yet…why.
Why hurt themselves so much?
Her hand rose forth, the purple woman´s eyes darted towards the copper haired female whom many are aware has a violent history with the young man. Ready to protect at the first sign of physical violence, the copper red haired female´s right hand lightly and tenderly touched the unconscious male´s and cupped it gently, with affection, feelings, love, lust, what for each other they have she expressed it mutually here.
She though maintained her face of seriousness, glancing at him, his face looked sad and at times his eyes would leak stray tears, even in his unconsciousness he never ceased to be sad or cry.
´Mein Gott does he ever gets a reprieve from all that sadness?´
Even she didn´t always was that so down during her time at Tokyo-Three, her time was always high-above and the height-of-her-life, then again compared to her the one lying unconscious at her front never enjoyed being an Eva pilot, each time he went inside it what to her were victories, to him were tragedies which withdrew him from the world around him further and made him further introverted.
I want it all back…
"…disgusting…"
Misato glared at Asuka with hatred the moment those words, the purple haired woman whom felt offended for the word she has just said, only hung her head and deeply repressed her blatant feelings of aggression, to believe that even after all what Shinji has gone through Asuka feels still disgusted for the boy, he didn´t deserved her at all.
·SMACK·
The loud sound of a slap echoed throughout the usual silent room, the more adult serious people in the room glancing at the interaction between the two females, with the critically-Ill young patient in between them, not caring at all.
"he would´ve given you everything, and even then…you would´ve still hate him."
Without that much of an effort she stood by his side and with anger she grappled the bed-robes the boy wore gently, as she prepared her words.
He looks so passive, gentle…
"I HATE YOU!"
She Screamed and without further ado she started to shake him, all while Misato glanced at the young female whom screamed her frustrations at him.
When we are hurt, we tend to hurt, we feel the pent up feelings of revenge and comeback, but sometimes we fear retuning our aggression to our superiors or to others older than us that we eat it, swallow it and accumulate it and then regurgitate it towards others, others below or at our level,.
"Why are you here!? You don´t do anything!? You don´t help me! You use me! I HATE YOU!"
She continued to shake up and down all while in her own thoughts, they betrayed her, her own walls inside her were falling.
With a strangled cry she ceased to move him, and the boy once again was left on the bed, unresponsive she frustratingly could only glance at him unconscious and took a breath.
·Sob·
Don´t kill me.
Her right hand cupped his face.
Shinji…
…
She traced his lips, those that she kissed long ago, she never told him but she enjoyed it. She faked feeling bad for it…
And I regret it.
´I…I shouldn´t have been so mean to him.´
She realized as she glanced at those dry lips, the tube so morbidly intering inside his mouth to provide his lungs oxygen, since he´s so disconnected from this world that he simply ceased to breathe.
Ceased to breathe.
Breathe.
·Sob·
"…y."
She whispered in silence, almost inaudible even Misato whom was near couldn´t hear exactly what she said, as her dull sad eyes glanced at the male, a repeat of the time when she sat down on that abandoned building after the psychological attack which changed her forever, where she tumbled down so much that she simply didn´t had an escape.
My life…
´Doesn´t has a motive enough to live.´
She realized and her eyes darted towards the male, and those dull eyes lightened up only slightly…only for a minimal amount, for others almost imperceptible but to others that knew her well would´ve immediately realized what has happened now.
Shinji…help me.
And thus once more, she felt in need as when she did when she fought against the EVA series, this time though, a much more different urgency and longing was felt by her, much more noticeable.
'Why do i exist for?'
A pair of Gray-Blue eyes glanced at his own body, the scenario around himself was hard to process, what his eyes glanced at were only iamges, no voices could be heard only expressions; both Misato and Asuka were around him, glancing at his impoverished and decayed body made him feel strange and at the same time relieved of any pressures the mortal world that mad ehim suffer subjected him to, in death he found a relishing peaceful feeling.
Why make him cling to life when death would be a mere favor for him anyway?
Three and a half billion of people were murdered by his own selfishness, by his own mistakes and by his own, regression, there was no denial that he´s a flawed being and a mistaken person, cruel to be on the leagues of his father. Why was life granted to him if in the end he was going to be the harbinger of humanity´s end. Even if he gave them all a second chance and returned the world to its pre-second impact esque time-line forever rearranging everything forever, with no more angels, no more gods, no more deaths, no more suffering, didn´t meant that in his heart there wasn´t suffering.
'Where...am I?'
He asked rather unknowingly not feeling capable of understanding the scenes, he needs to hear them, what is this all? Why is he unconscious? Why does he see his body in such a way?
What you see is just a message and an image, a potential world you could live at. Have you ever given yourself a thought about the remains of your choice?
He turned around, atempting to make sense of what exactly the voice was stating, it projected itself all around him, he felt scared and very much strange with everything around him, no sounds except the voice and himself.
The pain you felt was simply the after-effect of your choice.
The Price
The weight
A gift
A unique talent.
´What do you mean?´
He answered back to the multitude of different voices and everything once again faded to darkness once more and he glanced at a luminous ball the size of a basket ball, it shone and he was rather fascinated by it.
Lilin always have referred to our innate core as a Super Solenoid Organ.
Blasphemy
It´s in Lilinal nature to be ignorant or attempt to logically explain phenomena their species concepts don´t even define at all.
What you Lilin call a Super Solenoid organ, an equal would be the most basic structural section of a tissue, a cell and it´s subsequent molecules and atoms.
And the boy was inmersed inside the bright ball to see tiny vibrating dots that flew around the darkness, they were everywhere around him. What is this?
The Lilin calling themselves SEELE desired to achieve a natural Super Solenoid Organ on their souls, to be capable of controlling humanity and achieve a new age, in their minds, the Ubermensch would be that which possesses this.
The boy blinked at the whole thing, attempting to aborb the concepts presented before him, he remembered when he was out of control, that Dr. Akagi spoke something about S2 engines, that were the only difference between the enemy and themselves.
This microsctructural unit you now see is now bearer of Life and paired with Knowledge, they create...an angel.
Blinking and turning around, what...what was supposed to this be?
He doesn´t undertands at all?
This is what you wished.
Blinking and not really realizing what he has dreamed he glanced once again at the scene of both Misato and Asuka staring at his crippled body.
'What did I wished for?'
A WORLD WITHOUT EVA
I want it…
Feels so blissful, my own dream, and yet I couldn´t believe it. Asuka as my childhood friend, it simply is not ever a truth at all…i´m not allowed to live happy myself after all i´ve done to them, my penance, i´ve freely chosen it and It is perhaps for the best.
The Underworld, where Devils live and have made their lives ever since the dawn of time. The Underworld which has went through two wars already, and gave itself a new government after the bloodiest war in its history, from the seventy-two pillars that made the underworld´s royal devil families alongside the four prince families; Lucifer, Asmodeus, Beelzebub and Leviathan, only thirty-two of those seventy-six families were left, the birthrates of pure-blooded devils are rare and the amount of devil-bloodlines even rarer due to the null-to-non-existent inbreeding of the families, one of the two most influential families of the underworld are the Agares Family.
The Lord and Lady of the Agares Family are, Gendo and Yui Agares, formerly Ikari in the old life, pure-blooded devils both, Yui of course natural bearer of the name and Gendo married into the family; when coming to the new world, they were awakened to their new lives.
Yui Agares
Pure-blooded heiress of Lord Agares and Lady Beelzebub, half-young sister of the merciless Vidreid Varsharn ´King Fly´ Beelzebub, both parents deceased in the Devil Civil War, as Heiress of the Family she´s in charge of the Underworld´s economy, treasury and riches, all while also promotive positive connections between the Bael Family and the Four Ruling Powers of the Satans, taking care of the Insect Conservatory and Laboratory of the original Beelzebub Family and of course, annexing the Beelzebub Riches and Territory to the Agares Property directly.
Gendo Agares (Nii Leviathan)
Unwanted only son of Lady Tsufaame Tereaku Leviathan, raised by the few loyal members of the servitude that were left, his family retained its riches and territory, with the only factor that the authority his family used to have in the seat of power couldn´t be obtained anymore due to the fact that his mother was defeated by Lord Ajuka Beelzebub, his household former name and also the power the Leviathan figure carried was all conceded to a ´figurehead´ in the form of Serafall Leviathan.
As of nowadays, Yui went most of her days managing most of the research and Laboratories while her husband Gendo took his time to adapt to the whole duties the ´Agares Lord´ has to do, it took the man no time but a few months to befriend various clan-leaders and through the use of his poker-face and overall negotiation abilities as awkward as it might sound, to relate around with other families, only recently he has managed to broker a deal with his wife´s help of course to grant his son access to the human world and continue his education, mostly Yui´s idea, to go to a school, but due to his state things have been delayed massively.
The Agares Family had three servants; Kozo Fuyutsuki a friend to the family and Naoko Akagi a friend to Lord Agares, added in the mix though is also Misato Katsuragi whom the moment she woke up has pasted herself to Shinji´s side and hasn´t left his side ever since.
Gendo Agares formerly Ikari is an emotionless man, as he has always had been, but perhaps most of all an exasperated man whom barely has any patience, with his wife around he had no further motives to be the despot he used to be, but now his wife is the utmost concerned for her son and he so feels too, in a sense now. He has come to a fact that he has hurt his son so much, and now what he needs is to perhaps form a family, or at least attempt to rebuild whatever could be made out of what he has. At this Dr. Zeppelin snorted and crossed his arms with a raised eyebrow, glancing at the silent Dr. Yui whom contemplated on the scenario of having to go through her son hurting again.
"You must both hate your son so much to do this to him."
She commented out and Dr. Ikari glared at her and spoke truthfully.
"You should be thankful that we managed to protect your daughter when she was under us Dr. Kyoko."
"I´m thankful enough that i´m here to spare her from whatever hell you would´ve made her go through, and don´t believe i´ve forgiven you for allowing her to die in such a way."
The mother replied to both parents whom felt further sad and perhaps repressed, Fuyutsuki closed his eyes and spoke truthfully about the matter.
"Blaming the Ikaris for your tragedies is nonsensical, when you are aware that the ones truly to blame are Seele. The ones whom also murdered your daughter."
Kyoko stayed silent and glanced at the floor rather bashfully, biting her lip, she was of course aware of those old coots and what they planned all the way, always, mildly somehow. She got involved with SEELE and worked at Nerv eventually, what she never thought was that those bastards wanted to unleash hell upon the world or whatever was left of it and also in the end, they murdered her daughter. Blaming the Ikari was a coping mechanism for what she suffered, being aware that she lost fourteen perhaps even fifteen already years of her daughter´s life.
"Even then, what you did to ignite the impact was low Yui, I admired you…whatever admirable traits you used to have…were lost."
She voiced her disgust at the couple and turned away, going to search for her daughter and just go away from this place or plainly just be as away from the Ikari Family as possible.
"I don´t trust her."
Gendo spoke without any reprieve about the woman whom used to work for Nerv Germany and mother of the Second Child, Yui though passively closed her eyes and spoke calmly towards her husband.
"I don´t blame her for feeling that way."
She shook her head with an apologetic expression, acknowledging what was already something obvious.
"I…I shouldn´t have placed the second child as a sacrifice to commence the Third Impact."
With a sigh she realized that the mistakes of the past will still follow her and bleed her a little more.
'Do i want to go back?'
He thought rather fearfully, out of spite against his own self, sitting in the chair on the very darkness as he once again felt sad. Once again his own selfishness brought others to live in another world he created out of his own aspirations and dreams.
Rising from the chair and walking a few steps, he now stood in a cliff which gave away to the darkness itself.
…Stay away from me, all you do is hurt me.
"…·Sob· All I wanted was to get you to like me…"
You´re scared of both Misato and The First, your mother and father.
He closed his eyes and spoke solemnly.
"…And I hate myself, I…"
He turned around and at the very edge of the cliff he finally heard her words.
You´re pitiful…
And thus he smiled a pitiful existence lived marked by nothing but pain and death, for things to be rebirthed they must die, before rebirth there must be dead, yet, at times a soul is left with few words of regret, he´ll though manage to speak his last words. Not even daring to glance at her at all, knowing she glanced at him with pity already, that moment replayed in his mind again and again, he spoke his last words.
I love you…
And he dived into the darkness of the oceans, even further to the Dirac Sea, to disconnect himself from reality and the world itself.
Alarms blared as the respirator flatlined, Asuka whom held the face of the boy in between the darkness could glance at him, with tears and smiling at her as he said the very same words he said as his last ones, akin to communicating through a means, was it his photon-rays penetrating to her AT-Field, she hard the words, three only words that cannot have any more meanings than what they truly express.
Selflessness
Care
Commitment
Feelings
Hurt
Love is destructive in its very nature but can also build, in this case though…she glanced as he fell she screamed his name and tried to reach out to him, but she was tugged away by her mother, she tried to fight her hold.
"NEIN!"
She screamed out trying to kick her legs and swat her arms at the offending force dragging her away, she had to save him for God´s sake, she cannot leave him alone to fall, he never let her fall, EVER! The volcano proved it and she won´t allow him to do so, if she could make evidence, as Dr. Naoko Akagi started chest compressions for CPR and Fuyutsuki with a valve-mask started to provide air, both started to assist the suddenly dying child.
Those three last words repeated on her head, it was so out of character for Shinji Ikari to claim love far beyond of himself or his deceased now living mother or his bastard of a father, the same adoration and expectation or rejected depression he showed at them with her he showed only one thing up to now, Need and lust.
He changed an I need you to an I love you.
The female young pilot it was too much, all she could do was in tears once again see as a portion of her is taken away by life itself. Her right arm rose loosely, attempting to grip a hold on the room he stayed, but each time she tried she was getting further way, once again Asuka Langley Sohryu was weak, weak to even hold someone that loved her near. And unlike Kaji, this one hurt deeper and further, in the shock the girl fell unconscious in her mother´s arms.