Sequel to how it started. Make sure you read it or else this will make absolutely no sense. Please remember this is rated M for a reason. I think I went over the top with trigger warnings last time so from here on I'll only post them when I think they're particularly necessary for the first chapter. If you got through the 'how it started' I believe you'll be fine.

Please remember I am English, like from England, not America so be prepared for a mixed bag of spelling. I'll try to Americanise my phrases but no promises.

I do not own any of these characters unfortunately, I'm just using them for a while :)

Amelia POV

Holy shit. Holy shit. I'm in love with Arizona. I'm in love. I love her. Everybody I love dies. My dad, Ryan, Christopher, Derek. Everybody dies. I run to the nearest supply closet and close the door behind me. Why did this have to happen at the hospital. I can't be seen breaking down like this, this is my workplace. I should be better than this. I have been doing so much better lately. I'm right near the end of my shift and I don't have to see any more patients but I can't be seen like this, its unprofessional. I sink down against the wall, pulling my legs up towards my chest and trying to regain control over my body. My phone has been ringing in my pocket, I can feel it vibrating against me. I reach to grab it, dropping it on the floor, seeing Arizona's name flashing up on my now smashed screen. My sobs are now getting greater and my attempts to prevent a full blown panic attack seem to have failed. I rest my head against my knees, trying to be as quiet as possible.

"Amelia," I hear and lift my head, seeing Meredith walking in, closing the door behind her. "Amelia, are you okay?" She asks, sitting a few feet away from me.

"How'd you find me?"

"One of the nurses saw you walk in here about an hour ago, she got concerned and paged me." She explains, I guess it makes sense that they would be concerned. "Do you want me to call Arizona?" Meredith questions, knowing my girlfriend is normally the person to help me deal in situations like this.

"No. Don't call her. Please, don't call." I stammer.

"Have you had a fight? Did you break up?" She questions and I shake my head indicating her guesses are wrong. "Then what happened?"

"I'm in love with Arizona."

"Well yeah, we all know that. What about it?"

"Everybody I love dies. I can't live without her."

"Amelia, look at me. Arizona is not going to die. She survived a freaking plane crash. She is a survivor."

"Derek survived a plane crash. He died anyway. Arizona isn't safe if I'm in her life."

"Derek's death was awful. The worst thing that has ever happened to me. But it was random. Life and death are random. It's uncontrollable, we just have to live in the moment."

"I miss him."

"What would he say if he saw you like this?" She questions, still standing near by.

"I don't know." I mutter quietly.

"I do. He found me having a panic attack, fairly similar to you in this exact cupboard about 10 years ago. He helped me calm my breathing and told me everything would be okay. He stayed right here next to me until I was ready to move." She has seated herself down next to me, not rushing at all. We just wait it out, together. I can imagine Derek here too, I can hear his voice in Meredith's. I know we have never been overly close but right now, she is what I have left of my brother.

"It's going to be okay Amelia, I'm not going anywhere." She tells me, mimicking what she remembers Derek telling me in that exact situation.

"I'm okay" I tell Meredith when I have fully calmed down.

"I know you are. I know that in your mind love and death are connected, but it doesn't always have to be that way. You can love without fear." I look to her, and I know she is telling the truth but that doesn't make it any less scary.

"I haven't told her yet. I don't know if I can."

"Amelia, she knows. She knows you love her. She loves you too, even if it's not said out loud."

"What if you're wrong. What if she doesn't?"

"You've been together for almost 6 months now and she has stood by your side through every up and down. She never once left you. She loves you too." I nod and go to stand up, still unsure of whether I should believe her but hoping she is right. She offers me her hand to help pull me up and I take it. Once I am up I wrap I wrap my arms around my body, still feeling extremely vulnerable and shaky but I know I will be okay.

"Thank you Meredith, for being here." I tell her, looking down at my feet.

"That's what sisters do. Are you coming home tonight?"

"Yeah. Could I ride with you? Arizona dropped me off." I tell her honestly. I know I could walk but I don't feel like being alone right now.

"Sure."

When I get back to Meredith's I help Maggie prepare dinner. I'm just preparing vegetables but it feels nice to help out.

"Amelia, you okay? You zoned out." Maggie tells me and I realise I am staring at the knife in my hand, watching the movements of the blade a little too closely. I picture myself pulling it across my skin causing myself to shiver, dropping the utensil onto the surface.

"Yeah, sorry. I was thinking, I'm almost done with these." I tell her, moving to pick up and quickly finish what I had started. I head to the bathroom, telling my sisters I am going to shower before we eat. I take the blade from the back of the top shelf, I know what I am doing is wrong but I need to be able to control something. I run it lightly across my thighs, not deep enough to do any serious damage but enough to create thin lines of blood. It stings but it feels good, almost too good. I never want to do this to myself but when I do, I enjoy the feeling. Plus, the damage is already done, it's not like the scars can get any worse. It gives me a release. I rinse the blade with the running water before placing it back in the box. I climb out of the shower and clean my legs before putting dressings over the damage I have just created. I hate that this is what things have come to but it's the only way I have found I can deal with my own thoughts. It's been over a month since things have been this bad and I have been waiting for this to happen. I put my clothes on and prepare to go sit with my family for dinner. I place a fake smile on my face, for the children's sake and pretend that everything is okay, that I am okay.

Dinner passes fairly easily. I help to sort the dishes before leaving the kitchen, planning to go back to my room but Meredith stops me in the hall.

"Amelia, you should talk to her." I turn to look at her before replying.

"I'm not ready Meredith, I need time to process my own feelings first."

"I'm not saying go and confess your love or anything. You're hurting Amelia. She is the one person who helps the pain go away, just a little bit. She's your Derek, enjoy it."

"I'm fine, I'm sorry about what happened earlier but I'm fine. I'm okay now." I try to convince her but she doesn't back down.

"I know that line would work for most people, but I'm not like them. I'm not like Maggie. I don't see the world with all sunshine and rainbows. I see you're in pain. Do something about it." I don't like that she is right, I am hurting. I don't like that she can see through the mask I show the world. I want to speak to my girlfriend, I want to wrap my arms around her, and have hers wrapped around me.

"Okay," I nod. "Could you take me to her place? I don't trust myself to drive."

"Let me put Ellis to bed and I'll take you over there. Give me 15 minutes?" She offers, smiling a little to which I nod and agree.

"Thank you."

Thank you for reading!! I have a few more chapters already written so it shouldn't be too long until I update.

Reviews are always appreciated!