What's HP? Does it taste good? Chapter 2, an one piece fanfic

(A/N)...What's that? You're still here after that big fat warning I gave you? FOOL! The first chapter was supposed to be so stupid and senseless that no one would want to read chapter two! It was a diversion to keep readers and moderators off my story!

Hm? You actually want the second chapter? Sorry. It doesn't actually exist. Everything from this point on is a 5k word Jinbei x kung-fu point Chopper chubby!smut fic.

Kidding. Here's chapter 2.

Oh. Here are a few general announcements first tho.

1. I'm not dead. Just getting nae nae'd by work irl.

2. Yes, I'm going to update Fear the Superhero

3. Check out Fear the Superhero, His Body is Made of Swords, and Emiya-sensei? on spacebattles! They're basically the same thing, except they're in forum format and have light-novel style illustrations in each chapter.

4. Check out my Ko Fi! You can see (almost) all of my illustrations there, and it's a place where you can commission one-shots, character concept art and cover art.

Thanks for reading!

P.s. Only one person needs to lose their sanity here, and that's me. Don't lose too much sleep over Luffy ignoring the system that I've painstakingly put together.

"I'm not letting you beat me this time, damn it! Cut it out, you stupid jerk!"

BOOM

I had to jump out of the way of another fireball without letting my eyes move away from the ginormous black dragon that was trying to kill me. I learned a long time ago that losing track of this guy was a bad idea; it was pretty fast despite being so big, so if I wasn't careful, it could wipe out most of my life-number-things in one hit.

Losing those was bad because I had to start from scratch whenever I ran out of them. That was extra bad.

Another fireball came after the first, but I wasn't caught off guard. I had tried fighting this monster so many times that I pretty much knew all of its moves.

When it shoots a fireball, a second one always follows two seconds later.

When it swings its tail, it will always swing it in the opposite direction right after.

When it changes directions, it always turns its head before the rest of its body.

That was why, even though it was still a little stronger than me right now, I was able to get so far this time.

"Gomu Gomu no…"

It was open for an attack.

"Bazooka!"

It roared as the palms of my hands slammed the side of its head, but the dragon stopped making noise once it started falling to the ground.

It crashed with a loud "thump". The tremors shook the burning castle gate blocking the stairway.

…Come to think of it, having all this fire indoors was kind of bad, right? And how did they manage to build all this crazy-big stuff in this tower, anyway? I only started to notice it recently, but the way that the rooms and hallways looked was starting to get more and more ridiculous.

「The [Floor General] has been slain!」

"…"

I waited a moment to make sure that I was still alive, then I dropped onto my butt with a relieved sigh.

Ah~ that took way too long, didn't it? How many tries did it take me to find this stupid staircase without being sent back to Foosha!?

Seriously, it was way too hard. The strange creatures on this floor were a whole bunch stronger than the ones on the floor above; I noticed that they've been getting a little tougher as I kept moving down, but this jump was pushing it, right?

I shook my head.

None of that matters anymore! I'm finally done.

"On to the next– hm?"

「Notice!

You have cleared a dungeon checkpoint. 」

Hm!?

「Calculating player score.」

「Time Elapsed: 26D : 07H : 13S

Enemies Defeated: 21 197

Deaths: 108

Level Disparity Bonus: 3 145」

「Rewards (level 1) obtained!

Rewards (level 2) obtained!

Rewards (level 3) obtained!

Rewards (level 4) obtained!

Rewards (level 5) obtained!

Rewards (level 6) obtained!」

「Hidden achievement (Obtain Rewards (level 5)) (Time Elapsed 31D) has been unlocked!

[Onyx Key] is now in your inventory!

The extra quest [A Shackled Ogre's Dream] has been made available!」

「Notice:

[A Shackled Ogre's Dream] is a [Narrative Branch] quest. The main quest [Getting Stronger: The 100 Floor Demon Pagoda] will be altered if [A Shackled Ogre's Dream] commences.」

I glared at the mystery boxes with narrowed eyes, trying to make them go away with my mind-powers. No one actually expected me to read all that, right?

"Stare..."

My shoulders dropped.

Ah… I'm so glad. They all disappeared pretty quickly this time. I didn't want to waste my energy with those right now. This was the first time in a while that they appeared to give me anything other than those "Level up!" messages.

DING!

Again!?

「Notice!

The dungeon's data has changed. Your expedition progress will be reset.」

Hold on, what was that supposed to m–

I opened my eyes, already knowing where I was from the very second I saw the tidy wooden floor.

I spoke before I had even pushed myself to my feet.

"Yo, Oden."

I heard him hum.

"Luffy. Back already?"

Yeah! What's with that!?

"Mhm. I thought that I'd be able to make it farther this time, but no luck," I grumbled. "None of this makes any sense. I made it through fair and square, you know?"

And this wasn't how it usually happened, either. Whenever I lost, I would usually wake up back in Foosha; from there, some time would go by before I appeared in Oden's room again. This time I came straight here.

The tall guy sighed. "Still totally lost, huh? It's been nearly a month now. Even if no one has caught you yet, I'm baffled that you still manage to keep stumbling back here. Do you have no sense of direction? You know where 'down' is, right?"

I made a face. "Of course I do!"

"…"

"Of course you do," Oden repeated. "I understand that the pagoda can be a little confusing with how large it is. I can give you a tip that might help you navigate it."

I blinked.

"Oh?"

Oden nodded. His posture was tense. "It's the air."

"The air?"

He raised his palm. "When you're indoors, the hot air in the room will rise."

He had all my attention. I was nodding along.

Oden's other palm was lowered. "Naturally, that means that you'll find less hot air the further down you go. If you want to descend, you must find wherever's coolest."

My jaw fell open.

"Oden… could it be that you're actually a genius!?"

"Don't be foolish!" he shouted. "It's a given that Kozuki Oden would know such trivial things! It's common sense!"

Hn. He was right. I should have thought of that.

"Yeah! Thanks!"

"Regardless, you should hurry up and go," Oden told me. "Your timing isn't–"

The door creaked.

Before I could react, Oden grabbed my shoulder and threw me into a closet.

I couldn't see anything once the cabinet door was shut in my face. Someone had come in, said something that was muffled by the barrier between us, and left.

"You can come out now."

"Fwah!" I shouted as I pulled my way back into the room. "What was that about?"

"That was one of Father's servants," Oden answered, removing the shiny lid covering a bunch of really tasty-looking fish. "They brought me my evening meal– what are you doing!?"

I couldn't really answer since one of the fish got stuck in my throat– it was really big!. It stopped me from being able to talk. I couldn't only manage a, "Hmfm?"

He grabbed me by the face and stretched my cheeks. I swallowed the rest of the fish whole since I was scared that he was going to try to take it from me.

"That's my dinner! Spit it out!"

"No way!" I yelled back. "It's tasty!"

"Hehe, it is, isn't it– wait no, that's not the point! It's mine! You can't have it!"

My hand was slapped out of the way before I could grab another one.

"Are you even listening!?"

Tch. Stingy.

"Look," he said, picking me up and moving me further away from the yummy food. "I don't want to waste any of my energy arguing with you. I'll share some of it –some of it, I said! Let go!"

My stretched-out arm was being shaken like a wet noodle. I was forced to let go of the handful of salmons that I grabbed, but I managed to get away with one.

Oden huffed, but he thankfully let it go. He took off his mask and grabbed a salmon for himself–

Eh?

"Wait, you're a girl!?"

Oden froze for a moment. "Hm? Ah. This is the first time that you've seen me without my mask, right? I don't remove it often. I suppose that I am indeed a woman, but I'm a man."

"Ehh!?"

The Tall Obviously-A-Girl puffed out her chest. "Allow me to explain! I am Yamato, son of Kaido!"

…She lost me.

"I thought your name was Kozuki Oden? I've been calling you that for a month now!"

"Of course. I am Kozuki Oden."

"Will you make up your mind!?"

She closed her eyes and ignored me. "Or at least, that's who I must be."

I started picking my nose. She was just saying whatever went through her head now, wasn't she?

"He was a great man –a man who I respected greatly– but my father had him executed years ago. It hit me then: that man's legacy needed to live on. I will carry out his ambitions. His Dreams. His– pay attention when someone is talking, Jackass! Are you five!?"

She slapped me on the back of the head so hard that it bounced off the floor. I started rubbing it instinctually.

When I forced my blurry eyes to open, it was only chance that made me look at the mystery words above her head.

「Yamato, [The Beast's Child]」

"Ah! That was your name!"

"Did I knock some brain cells out of you?" she growled. "I just explained all of that!"

I blew a raspberry at her. "And you took too long! Say it in ten words or less."

"Wha–" she actually seemed kind of upset. "You're from Wano Country, aren't you!? I don't care how young you are… I won't let you spit on the name of a great man who died for your people!"

"Hm?" I tilted my head. What the heck was she talking about? "What's Wano Country?"

"…"

"Seriously?"

"Seriously."

She narrowed her eyes. "…This whole time I thought that you were some unlucky villager kid who stumbled onto one of our returning ships. If you were a slave then you wouldn't be able to run around everywhere so easily. Where are you from?"

"Foosha Village," I answered.

"Which is...?"

"On Dawn Island."

Yama-o crossed her arms. "I've never heard of 'Dawn Island'. No such place would have escaped Father's clutches. Onigashima rules these seas with an iron fist."

I really didn't understand what she was saying. "I don't get it. East Blue isn't like that at all. Is that fish doing something weird in your stomach?"

"…East Blue? Are you… saying you're from the East Blue, Luffy?"

Yama-o was really making a strange face.

"Of course I am. Why wouldn't I be?"

Her stern expression was starting to worry me. "Onigashima is at the far end of the New Word… on the latter half of the Grand Line. We're so far from East Blue, it's not even funny."

W..what? But that's not…

No, that couldn't be right. I was at Makino's bar just the other day, wasn't I?

I ran to the door.

"Wait! Luffy–"

I ignored her. I needed to get out of this place once and for all and finally figure out where this mystery tower really was. Grand Line? As if! When I go to the Grand Line, it'll be on purpose!

I ran through the hallways of the highest floor as fast as I could. I knew it like the back of my hand at this point.

Something growled at me right as I turned the corner.

「Ogre Wolf (LV47)

HP: 4 240/4 240」

Hold on… that wasn't–

"Oof!"

It rushed at me so quickly that I was caught off guard and let it ram me with its horns. It wasn't supposed to be that fast, was it? It never was before.

I shook it off, though. I grabbed the wolf and threw it at the wall.

「Ogre Wolf (LV47)

HP: 1 975/4 240」

…Hm? Did it stand back up? It's been a while since the last time one of these things has been able to do that after I hit them. Maybe I just didn't throw hard enough?

More wolves showed up.

…No. Actually, a lot more wolves showed up. This was way too many. Whenever I usually crossed through here, there were ten or so at most. There had to be at least…

At least…

Uhm. More than ten.

"Gomu Gomu no Muchi!"

My foot stretched out and swung at them like a whip. I tried taking them all out together.

…Which didn't work. I knocked a bunch of them back a little bit, but they all shook it off.

"Damn it!"

I didn't have time to waste here! Why were these weaklings being troublesome all of a sudden?

I threw a bunch more kicks and punches at them as they got closer, but one of them managed to bite my arm eventually.

"Get… off!"

I tossed it like I did the first one, but another wolf bit my leg when I wasn't paying attention.

"Hn!"

「HP: 9 432/11 930」

That hurt more than it should've! What gives!?

I took too long to react. One after the other, they piled onto me until–

「You have cleared [0] levels of the 100 Floor Demon Pagoda (hard)!

Cooldown: 1H : 59M : 52S」

"Ugh… what…"

I rubbed my eyes; they were blurry for some reason. When they cleared, I saw the grungy old walls of Dadan's place.

Wait. Wuzzat? I only had how long until I go back? I needed to wait days last time!

Geez. Ever since I beat that big dragon, everything's been super weird.

Well, it was nice to finally be back, I guess.

But still… Where was the mystery tower? It didn't make sense for it not to be nearby, right?

My stomach growled.

Ah. I'm hungry again. Maybe I should ask Makino for more meat the next time I go out.

"Luffy! You finally decided to show up, huh!?"

Dadan was standing at the door with her arms crossed. Was she angry about something?

…Again?

"Do you have anything to say for yourself, boy? We've been looking everywhere for you, but you're always disappearing to do who-knows-what!"

I narrowed my eyes. "Eh? Why were you looking for me?"

Dadan never looked for me. These guys didn't usually care about what I did or where I was.

"Garp is coming today, damn it! It's bad enough that Ace took off. If you're not here when he's here, then I'm the one who's gonna have my hide tanned!"

I blinked.

Grandpa was coming? That's news to me.

I see.

…

"I don't think so, runt!"

Dadan grabbed me by the back of my shirt before I could run past her.

"Let me go!"

"No way!"

I stretched my over my head and tickled her neck. She squealed and dropped me.

"Get back here damn you!"

I stopped running, turned around, and stuck my tongue out at her before taking off again.

"Makino! Can I hide here for…" –I stopped. "…a while?"

I ran up to her with a big smile on my face. Her back was turned to me since she was washing glasses, but she turned her head back to look at me.

"Hm? Oh! Luffy. What are you hiding from, exactly?"

"Gramps is coming!" I shouted. That was a bad thing, didn't she know? I obviously couldn't be here when he got here.

She laughed. "Come on, now. Vice-Admiral Garp hasn't seen you in ages. I'm sure that he just wants to check in on his grandson.

I nervously peeked at the timer-thingy.

A whole hour still? Tch.

"Never mind that for now, then." I swung my wrist from side to side. If Makino was just gonna tell Grandpa where I was anyway, then I should just hide in the forest until I could go back to the Mystery Tower. "Can 'ya make me an adventure lunchbox to-go?"

Makino made a strange face. She narrowed her eyes at me. "Didn't I just make one for you the other day? You usually stick around before you disappear on us to do your 'super-secret training'– for a little while, at least. I don't mind preparing some meals to take with you, but I do hope that you aren't trying to avoid your grandfather."

"Of course not!"

That sounded true, right? I looked away and started whistling to calm my nerves.

"You're lying."

How did she know!?

I mean–

"I don't know what you're talking about."

She laughed. "Of course. Just wait here for a moment; I'll whip something up."

Makino turned to grab her knife, then spun back to face me. "And don't you run off before I'm done, you hear me? It's rude, and I do not appreciate it when you do that. Especially not when I'm making something for you."

I clapped my hands together. "I'm sorry! I don't do it on purpose. I just… go sometimes."

She didn't buy it.

"Right. Anyway, stay put."

She turned her back to me again and started slicing a raw chunk of meat. My mouth started salivating for the split second I saw it before it disappeared over her shoulder.

I zoned out so that I wouldn't get bored. I idly listened to the sounds of people entering and leaving the bar as the doors swung back and forth.

Back…

…and forth…

…and back…

And–

"Hey, did you hear? Garp's ship is already in port!"

"Seriously? That was quick."

"Yeah, I saw it myself. He seemed to be in a hurry for some reason, though."

I froze.

I looked at Makino.

Then I looked at the door.

Then I thought of all the bad things that Grandpa would do to me once he found out that Ace already took off.

Sorry, Makino.

I ran out of the bar and towards the forest as fast as I could. Would he find me there? Yes, but there was more room to run away in a forest than there was here in Foosha.

I didn't stop running. I was almost at Dadan's hut, and I was gonna make sure to get as far past it as possible. Gramps would probably go there first, so I needed to go suuuuper far away from that place.

The ground shook and I stumbled.

"He what!?"

The loud yell came from the hut.

Ah. It was panic time. How did he get here before me!?

I looked at my timer. Only a few minutes to go.

I turned and started sprinting in the opposite direction. I didn't even know where I was going anymore, but I needed to be "not here".

"I know you're there, Luffy!"

I ran faster. Something big and scary was closing in on me quickly.

I ran around a tree, and it exploded the second that I did.

Gramps was going to catch me any second. He was definitely pissed about Ace right now. This was gonna hurt.

Hm? That tree root was kind of sticking out. Maybe I could hide–

Yama-o's frowny face was staring down at me.

"I really don't get how you keep sneaking in here without me noticing."

"Me neither," I mumbled. I sat up, crossed my legs and sighed.

What a relief! I got away somehow.

Yama-o sat on the edge of her bed. "You circled back almost immediately this time. What happened?"

I hummed and closed my eyes.

"Well, you see…"

"Yes?"

"I really don't understand what's going on."

She twitched for an instant but didn't do anything. Her shoulders relaxed before she suddenly grew a stern expression.

"Never mind. Forget it. More importantly, I want an apology."

An apology?

"For what?"

"What do you mean, 'For what'?" she complained. "You laughed at my dream!"

"That's not true!" I argued. "I just wasn't paying attention is all!"

"That's even worse!"

She swung her arms out to the side. "My whole life, I've been trapped behind these walls. The only thing that I have is Kozuki Oden's dream, and you trivialized it."

I crossed my arms. "It's not my fault you were talking nonsense– and don't use big words that I can't understand."

「You have gained Yamato's ire! Your bond status with Yamato has temporarily changed from [well-liked] to [sour]!
Note: an increase in bond points will remove the temporary status.」

Eeeeh? What was she getting all mad about?

"You–"

Yama-o made a noise that sounded like an angry teakettle. She grit her teeth. "That's it! I'm done with you! I want you out of my tower and out of my hair right now!"

I pouted. "I've been trying to get out of here, though. It's not my fault that I keep coming back accidentally…"

Yama-o exploded.

"It is! It's definitely your fault! It's one-hundred-per-cent your fault! Who else's fault could it possibly – not important! My point is, I'm coming with you this time to make sure that you don't come back here ever again."

My eyes sparkled.

"Really? Gee, thanks!"

Her angry expression disappeared instantly. She looked like someone slapped her across the face for some reason.

"You… want me to help you leave?"

"Yes?"

Wasn't that obvious? Why wouldn't I want her help?

Yama-o grunted and walked to the door.

"I guess I was being stupid, then. Let's go."

「Yamato's ire deepens! Your bond status with Yamato has temporarily changed from [sour] to [bitter]!
Note: gaining bond points with this character has temporarily become more difficult.
Note: an increase in bond points will remove the temporary status.」

What now!?

The moment I stepped out of the room, the mystery boxes started getting out of hand again.

「Yamato has joined your party! Yamato's status can now be accessed from the [party] page on the main menu.」

「Warning!
If Yamato is defeated, the quest [A Shackled Ogre's Dream] will no longer be available.」

While I was busy waving off the annoying floating words, Yama-o had already moved ahead of me. A wolf tried to attack her, but she swatted it away easily.

She turned her head back to glare at me, then stomped forward.

…Girls were confusing.

We kept moving forward and I noticed that we were getting through the top floor really fast. Yama-o was plowing through the wolves like they weren't even there.

She was actually really strong. Yama-o's giant club moved so quickly that I could barely see it.

Another wolf tried to sneak up behind her. Before I could warn her, she shifted out the way and her club turned pitch black. When she hit the wolf, it split in two.

"That's! So! Cool!" I gushed. "How do you do that? Can you teach me?"

She ignored me. Rude.

I tried to run up to her, but she started walking faster.

"What's your problem!"

She stopped suddenly and I ran straight into her back. She turned while I was rubbing my nose.

"My problem? What's your problem! Who calls someone's dream boring out of the blue like that? Oden must be rolling in his grave right now."

Now I was getting angry. She was going on about that guy again.

"Oden this, Oden that. I don't know who this Oden person actually is, and I don't care either!" I stretched out my arm and poked her chest before she swatted my hand away. "A dream comes from a person's heart. If you wanna tell me your real dream, I'll listen."

"This is my real dream, idiot! It's the dream I've–"

"–taken from some random guy!" I interrupted her. "You're strong, aren't you? If being this Oden guy really is your dream, then why are you cooped up in your room all day talking about what you want to do instead of going out and actually doing it?"

"Shut up! You don't know what you're talking about. We're done here!"

"Fine!"

We stopped talking to each other while we made our way to the staircase. That was okay with me, though. If Yama-o wanted to be stubborn, then I'd let her be stubborn.

I turned my head left and right looking for the Gate Ogre. It should be somewhere nearby, right?

Once we got to the stairs, I stopped and scratched the back of my head. Instead of the big monster guy, there was a strange six-armed woman blocking the way.

"Hey, Lady! Who are you?"

「Solitaire, [Beast Pirate Headliner] (LV47)

"Hm?"

She just noticed us now. I couldn't see her eyes because of her funny helmet, but her lips curled downward.

"So it's true, then. The Lizard Zoan stationed on the fiftieth floor reported that an unknown child came down from the top of the tower and beat him senseless. Kaido-sama was right to fear that you were up to something, Yamato."

Hm?

Yama-o never stopped walking. "Get out of the way."

The strange lady suddenly looked nervous. "Think about what you're doing. Your father gave the express order that you are to stay in your room for another month. He already isn't happy with you, and your rebellious behaviour isn't helping the matter."

She saw that Yama-o wasn't listening. The lady tensed up and got ready for a fight.

"Fine! I'll stop you right n–"

「The [Floor Boss] has been slain.
Advance to the next level?
[Yes/No]」

I blinked.

…What just happened?

The strange lady was passed out on the ground. Yama-o was waiting for me at the stairs.

"Are you coming or not?"

My eyes sparked and I ran up behind her.

"Yeah! Wait for me!"

That was totally neat! I wanna know how to do that, too!

"Onto the next floor!" I shouted.

Yama-o really was something else, as I had just found out. If someone like her was going to help me, then this was gonna be a piece of cake!

「Notice!
Stages 1-99 of [Getting Stronger: The 100 Floor Demon Pagoda] are level-locked. You may not progress to the next stage with an overall party level higher than [150]. Please change your party members in order to continue the quest.」

Eeeeeeh? I couldn't move my feet anymore. Yama-o was looking at me strangely.

What now!? Everything was going so well, too!

「Notice!
Yamato cannot be removed from your party at this time. The party leader will now be transported to the next available stage.
(Inactive party members can be called to your location through the [Party] menu).」

Wait, slow down! That's too much all at–

I was in a strange room that I'd never seen before.

It wasn't Makino's bar, it wasn't the bandit hut, it wasn't Yama-o's room, and it wasn't any of the floors of the mystery tower that I'd gone through up till now.

It was a reaaaally big and reaaaaaaaaaally long room with barely any lights at all. The only thing that I could see clearly was the big, cool-looking throne at the very end of it.

And the huge guy that was sitting on it. He had a long, funny mustache and large, pointy horns.

He was looking at me really intensely, too.

"Hey! Mustache Guy!" I yelled from all the way back here. "Do you know where I am?"

I needed to find Yama-o as quickly as I could.

"…"

He wasn't saying anything. He looked kind of old… did he forget to clean his ears this morning?

"So it's you," he said in a low, grumbly voice without actually answering my question.

"Me?"

"The child who's been raising hell in my pagoda. It is you, isn't it? It's bold of you to show your face here, brat."

His pagoda?

Hm…

Hmmmmm…

"Ah!" My eyes shot open. "You're Yama-o's dad, right?"

Mustache Guy narrowed his eyes. His hands were still grabbing the arms of his cool throne-chair-thing, but he leaned forward a little to get a better look at me.

"And how do you know Yamato?"

I laughed.

"Yama-o? She's being silly right now, but she's usually pretty nice, I think. I thought that she was a boy at first, but since I end up in her bedroom a lot I eventually found out that she was a girl."

"…"

「[Sense Danger] Has activated.」

「You have gained Kaido's enmity!」

「Current objective: survive.
Time remaining: 6M : 66S」