Stef wondered how she'd gotten herself here, sitting alone by the fire on her babymoon. She didn't exactly have any expectations for this day, but this was definitely not what she had in mind. Why couldn't Lena see that they just couldn't afford this day? Why had she ever agreed? She should have said, "No, if we can't pay for it we can't go. Your mom won't be treating us this time." She hated each and every time Dana bailed them out. Stef could take care of her family. If she couldn't, they'd scale back. This was her family and no one knew what they needed more than she did. Stef crossed her arms and tried not to let the anger overtake her.
And it wasn't just money, it was the kids. The kids were doing better now but things had gotten so out of hand, she wanted to make sure it didn't happen again. And Lena knew how responsible Stef had felt, she should know that leaving them alone was a really bad idea. To top it all off, Lena had left Brandon and Callie, her criminally inclined children, in charge. What was Lena thinking? Stef didn't have that kind of faith in her children right now. It was up to her to right the ship. She wondered, yet again, why she'd let herself be convinced so easily.
She shouldn't kid herself, Stef knew why she'd agreed: Lena. Lena with her pouting lips, her soulful eyes batting their eyelashes slowly at her, begging her to give in. She couldn't say no. Even when they'd just met, she couldn't deny her love anything. Lena's logic and eventual tears wore her down then, much as they did now. The reward for Stef's acquiescence was unmatched. Stef's anger and frustration, burning much like the flames in the fire pit in front her, would be doused by the water brought forth by Lena's rewarding smile. Yet the embers remained, Stef always feeling a bit helpless and vulnerable from the strength of her love and devotion.
There were times when Stef avoided discussions with Lena because of these feelings. She knew Lena would win any argument, much like the recent disagreement about Brandon's hand. Sometimes she just didn't want to give in or compromise. For once, she wanted to be right. Lena, degrees in hand, would argue with calm reason while Stef walked around berating a point that was more emotional than logical. In their last disagreement, Stef had been afraid for Brandon. On the other hand, Lena managed to put herself in his shoes and eloquently state her son's position. And just like so many previous times, Stef gave in because that's what she did where her wife was concerned.
Above all things, nothing gave her more joy than making Lena happy. It was the great irony of their lives. And now here alone, she was quite aware that she was failing Lena and she didn't fully understand why. She knew she hadn't given her a honeymoon. Lena had waited so long for them to be married and Stef had wanted to make it up to her. The wedding had taken their money but Stef had been determined to save money and take Lena somewhere nice. Then life took a sudden turn, Callie had run away and now, somehow, they were expecting a child. So when Lena decided to drop this babymoon idea on her, Stef didn't see how they could swing it. Even eating out at this point was a burden on their finances. How was she supposed to provide for a little one and go away, even for a day?
She blinked her frustration away and recalled every single one of Lena's recriminations.
Couple's massage. Relaxation had been impossible for Stef when her mind was spinning with concerns of money and children. Lena thought she was a rotten mother, a rotten provider, and suddenly a rotten partner and lover. She had blamed all their problems on Stef and that wasn't fair. Lena was the one that had chosen to hide so much of the pregnancy from her. She'd felt a slap in the face each time she discovered something else Lena was hiding, the pre-natal pills, Timothy. And Lena just didn't seem sorry, sure she'd hid things herself but it was for the safety of her family. Stef would always do right by her family. Lena claimed that Stef didn't listen, but it wasn't from lack of caring. Nothing mattered more than Lena. Their communication shouldn't fall on her, Lena should have come straight to her to tell her she wanted to get pregnant. She should have told her that she wanted a known donor.
Stef leaned back and considered why things had gotten so out of hand. They used to talk, they'd cuddle in bed and go over all the days' events. Ever since they'd gotten that bed, very little conversation had happened there. It would be so easy to blame that evil contraption, but Stef knew better. Maybe it had triggered it, maybe it hadn't, but none of that really mattered anymore. They had a problem on their hands and Stef refused to be the only one carrying the burden.
Yet, she couldn't put the blame entirely at Lena's feet. Although sometimes she was tempted to. Lena didn't seem to think anything was wrong with the kids. In reality, their children needed them both so much, Brandon was so far gone that his future was literally taken away from his hands. Callie was still not safely a part of their home. And Ana could be out there somewhere, one way or another, ready to become a problem for their twins again. Stef needed to be home to protect them from the dangers that surrounded her babies. It was her duty. Maybe it wasn't rational to think she could shelter them from the horrors of life, but Stef had to try. As a mother, she had to do her best.
She was also a woman, a wife and according to Lena, she was no good at that either. Could Lena be right? She had become more secretive but it was only stemming from a need to protect her family. And maybe she wasn't always as attentive as she could be, but there was so much on her mind between her job and the kids. She couldn't help but worry about it all. She was getting angry again because it wasn't fair. Marriage was a two person effort and Lena had failed as well.
Stef sighed. The fact that she still resented Lena hiding things reminded her that they did need this time together; that they did need to connect. Why had Lena not talked to her? She would give her the moon, didn't Lena know that? Did she not know that she would do anything for her? The truth was, Stef couldn't live without Lena and she knew it. Ten years together had proven to her that every aspect of her life was better because of Lena. She'd even given her the gift of the two new kids in her life and the new life growing in her belly. Lena was everything.
Even though Stef was certain Lena was the one for her, sometimes she doubted she was the one for Lena. There were so many differences between them that from the outside it might look like they were ultimately incompatible. Even before their wedding, Stef had had her doubts. Seeing Lena with Gretchen had really opened her eyes. She saw all the things Lena could have had, a wedding, wealth, travel, a glamorous life. What if Lena had settled? What if She could never fully provide Lena all the necessary things that would bring her happiness? Perhaps there was someone out there who could give Lena all those things and more. So she had rushed to make sure Lena knew she would die trying to give her all she had ever wanted. She married Lena and now was working so hard to prove to her that she could live up her expectations. Recently, she'd even begun thinking of another job. Lena wanted this big family and Stef would give it to her.
Her own needs weren't important. What was important was that her family was happy, that she was there when she was needed. She'd been running so hard, she didn't stop to think about what she wanted. She needed her family to be happy and thriving, that's what she needed.
Stef was so busy debating these issues in her mind that she missed Lena's entrance. She couldn't even look at her, Stef felt so hurt and angry. She didn't want to defend herself again. She was exhausted. She felt rather than saw Lena sit down near her.
"You know it's not all on you. Ok? It's on me too." She could hear Lena struggling to get the words out. If she knew Lena, she guessed that she'd spend her time in the bath measuring her words, rehearsing what she might say. Stef never did any of that; she felt, raged, and immediately spoke. Now, she focused on the fire. She could do this for Lena. Listen, just listen.
Lena continued, "When we got married that night and the next morning, I felt like we were, we were more in love than ever." Lena's eyes were shimmering with tears, her voice unsure. Lena's obvious pain was perhaps the reason Stef had avoided this conversation. She'd put those tears in her eyes and now Stef was angry at herself.
Unaware of Stef's turmoil, Lena spoke as if remembering a dream, "like were just zipped up in the same skin." Stef felt herself recall those moments when the two of them had been as one. She'd never felt the joy of belonging as she did then, surrounded by Lena in their home full of family and love. "I have never felt so happy, so close to you." Lena eerily echoed her own thoughts. "I want that feeling back. I want us back." Just when Stef thought she couldn't stand more pain, Lena had to speak those words. She felt the emotions pour out of Lena and Stef realized she was living in fear of not living up to her expectations. Could she be what Lena needed? Here was Lena reassuring her. She could be that person, she had already been that person. Lena wanted her, had always wanted her.
"I know that we can't always be as connected as we were on our wedding night." Lena finished the feelings overpowering them both, overpowering Stef's remaining anger. She finally looked back, able to face Lena. She could fulfill Lena's dreams. She remembered their wedding night, their connection. Where had it gone wrong?
Lena looked her in the eye and spoke her wishes, "You can't blame for wishing that we could." And she couldn't. She wanted that too. Why was it so easy for her to forget who she was, forget what she needed as a woman? She needed Lena, she'd never been happier either. Lena finished, tears now falling down her cheeks, "and for missing you."
Stef could no longer remain a spectator. "I miss you too. And I am sorry. I get so stressed out and worried about everything that I forget how important it is for us to take care of each other." She rushed through her words, hoping she said the right thing, but she knew she had because her heart was in the right place. She loved Lena and she needed her to see that she had just been overwhelmed.
What could she say to reassure her, nothing, everything. "And I know we make these promises all the time but I am gonna do better. Ok? I am gonna do better." She reached for Lena because she needed to feel her, needed to solidify their emotional connection with a physical one. And Lena came to her, as she always did, because they were meant for each other. What they had was so special that it came with an overwhelming fear of losing it.
Relief flooded her as their lips met, she loved Lena and Lena loved her and all was right in the world, until the phone interrupted. Lena picked up the phone while a sudden breeze reminded Stef that it had cooled down outside. She reached over to cover Lena and the baby. In her arms was the most precious thing in her life, Lena, who was the center of her family, the one who held everything together. By the look on her face, Stef could tell something was going on.
Lena hung up after a while, "It was Jesus."
Stef raised her eyebrow, "What did he want?"
Lena chuckled and kissed her wife again, "I don't know. I think he butt called me."
Stef chuckled and grabbed Lena closer, stroking her shoulder. She felt so good. She smelled so good. She noticed her wife was still tense… "What's wrong, love?"
"Hmm…" Lena hesitated. It was obvious she didn't want to say it, "It's just, it was very loud, lots of voices."
Stef immediately tensed, sure it was a party. She was a teenager once. She looked at Lena, concern written on her face, and she knew that neither one of them could go on without checking. "Give me that phone, I am going to check on these kids." She was surprised at how calm she felt as kid after kid failed to pick up the phone. Her suspicions were all but confirmed, they were having a party. As long as they cleaned up the house, she was going to try not to react, she owed Lena this night. She concentrated on stroking Lena's arm and felt Lena's slim fingers begin to caress her knee. The touches were beginning to awaken things in her, things that she chosen to ignore, day in and day out.
Finally, one of their children answered, secretly she was pleased it was Callie. She felt proud of placing their trust in her. However, none of the conversation made any sense and she knew they were all lying. Looking over at her love, Stef felt grateful that she could take care of this issue. Lena was emotionally spent and so was she, but her training as a police officer allowed her to quickly shake off her feelings to deal with whatever crisis was before her. She hung up the phone, "They're fine…" Stef shook her head, "Or so they say."
Before Lena could say what was on her mind, Stef let herself go and feel what her body was feeling. It wasn't the easiest of tasks with her kids foremost in her mind. She kissed Lena and concentrated on the feeling of those hands now caressing her thighs… higher and higher. She let the crackling sounds of the fire sooth and mesmerize her as Lena increased their intimacy. There was no feeling on earth that compared to kissing her wife while feeling so emotionally connected to her. She would do anything for this woman, why couldn't Lena see that sometimes? Still, Stef couldn't forget that she was ignoring her parental duties. These kids had already proven they could get up to a lot of trouble.
"You are a good mom you know?" How Lena had learned to read her mind, she'd never know.
Stef sighed, frustration still tearing at her. "I try to be."
"I know you do and sometimes that's enough, just to care." Lena spoke softly.
"We haven't been doing a great job." Stef spoke honestly, feeling the most guarded pieces of her exposed.
"Maybe not. But, working at school, I see much worse. Our kids are ok, they're learning." Lena's words offered some comfort. Sensing it wasn't enough, Lena continued, "It's ok to be scared though. And we will always love you Stef, no matter what."
Stef smiled, letting that small comfort fill her heart, "Baby, it's cold out here, let's go in."
Lena seemed reluctant and suddenly seemed sad. "Ok," she mouthed and Stef knew things were still not as they should be.
Inevitably, her mind went back to the kids and as they entered their room, Stef joked, "Yeah ten buck says they're having a party."
Lena was quick with her sarcasm, "So, now we're just throwing money away."
One of the things that Stef had always loved about Lena was that they both thought the other was funny. "Ha ha, I am serious. Yeah ok, what do you think?"
Lena deadpanned, "I think they said everyone is fine, and so everyone is fine."
Stef could feel her anxiety rise but managed to croak out a, "fine." Lena had stated her position and on this night, Stef had to capitulate. Too much was at stake. She was loved, it was enough. Tonight it had to be.
As Stef took off her sweater. She could feel her nerve endings awaken. They'd been stoked by Lena's tender caresses. She was too aware of her skin, too aware of her need to touch and belong.
Unaware of what she had started, Lena was giving in, "But you probably, you wanna go home anyways. So we can just pack up…" She spoke in a defeated tone.
Stef was not going to disappoint, not again. "No, no, no. Look, they are obviously still alive right? And if they're having a party… We'll certainly find out soon enough, won't we?" And it was true, they would. They were kids, this is what kids did, not the nonsense they'd been through in the last few months.
And it suddenly occurred to Stef, how she could quickly change the mood in here. She reached for the room stereo remote, "In the meantime, why don't we have one of our own?" Instantly, Lena smiled and Stef knew she was on the right track. "Kick off our shoes, oh oh, just like that." She quickly discarded her sandals. "And we dance." Now, Lena was laughing out loud. Stef questioned, "What? Our son basically signed us up for AARP this morning. So, we can either roll with it… or we dance. Come on?"
Not giving Lena a chance to interrupt, Stef moved to the center of the room and swayed her hips. She'd done this dance for Lena before. They'd always enjoyed dancing for each other. It was a way to get their bodies in motion. They'd move together, hip to hip, a gentle gyration. Soon, their bodies would communicate their desires, a need to join together. Today, Lena wasn't taking the bait, but the smile on her face betrayed her amusement. It had been a long time since they'd played out this scenario.
Suddenly, Lena did something that took her by surprise, she swung her arm imitating a fishing line. With a whispered, "Come here woman," Lena began to reel her in. Gasping her surprise, Stef immediately reacted to the imaginary pull. Her pulse picked up, she'd soon be in the arms of the woman who'd always done this to her. This imaginary tether that Lena had set was like the very real arc between them, the one had always joined them. It was that luminous bridge that connected them.
And she felt this nearly physical tug, drawing her closer and closer to her spouse. She never knew what energy they'd bring to bed, but as soon as she reached Lena, she recognized tonight's dynamic. She needed Lena desperately, how could she have ignored those feelings? She fell into Lena's arms and let her wife bring her down gently on the bed, their lips immediately sealed their connection. As it often did with them, their spark ignited instantly. Once lit, their passion would burn fiercely. After their first kiss, she knew their connection needed to be complete as soon as possible. Stef took off her own shirt because the need was suddenly urgent. As, the garment hit the floor, she didn't miss the hungry look Lena was giving her. Her wife meant to appreciate her tonight and Stef was going to oblige her.
Once again wrapped in each other, their kisses became heated and Stef managed to pull down Lena's sweater off her shoulder. She suspected that half of Lena's wardrobe was designed this way, for maximum shoulder exposure. In contrast, Lena was taking advantage of how much of Stef was already uncovered. Her hands were on her torso but Stef felt them everywhere. Soon it wasn't enough and she quickly pulled down her pants and panties in one move. Despite her haste, she managed not to leave the safe cocoon Lena had created over her. Lena's hands didn't waste any in time in traversing the length of her legs. Lena had always loved her legs, claiming Stef kept them hidden. Stef knew that Lena secretly loved being the only one who regularly got to enjoy her muscular thighs. Stef planned on letting her wife thoroughly enjoy her tonight. She was down to one undergarment but she refused to take it off. She wanted Lena to open her completely, but all Lena was doing was kissing her and possessively stroking her bare body.
It was a familiar sensation, fuller lips completely covering her own. In the way of married couples, they often kissed gently and softly. However, they were now too deep into love making for that kind of kiss. Now, mouths opened to allow them to taste the other and tongues clashed, caressed, teased and aroused. Stef was beginning to want that tongue everywhere, she needed more. And she still wasn't fully undressed. Just when she was about to take off her own bra, Lena knowingly and expertly reached behind her with one hand and removed it. Vulnerable and completely nude, she felt safe and cared for by a fully clothed Lena.
"I love you so much," were the words Lena uttered while looking down at her wife.
Stef could see the love, the desire and the emotion, as tears pooled at the corner of those dark eyes. "Lena, love. I love you. Always." The truth in their words solidified bonds that had been weakened since their wedding. They kissed, slowly this time, currents flowing between them, back and forth, matching the joining of their lips.
Eventually, both could feel that their connection was not enough, Stef's breasts ached for the feel of her wife's skin. Desperately, Stef began to tug at the scarf, tossing it aside. Lena knew Stef's aim, and stopped her hands. Stef was about to protest, when her wife stood up shaking her head, "Shh, let me, baby." Mirroring Stef's earlier moves, Lena moved her hips to the forgotten beat of the music that still surrounded them. Stef smiled thinking of the many private dance parties they'd shared over the years. Here and now, Lena was stripping for her and she watched aroused. With an easy sensuality, Lena disposed of her scarf, her sweater, her pants, leaving her in a green tank top and lovely matching green panties. Lena continued her dance, running her own hands over her long dark legs, up and down her thighs. Stef couldn't resist touching herself as Lena's continued to pleasure herself. Stef reached for her own breasts, just as her wife reached her own. Both their erect nipples were ready for a touch but Lena denied herself, choosing to take off her shirt instead.
Still short of her goal, Lena continued to strip. Stef felt pleasure shoot through her body as she squeezed her nipples at the same time she saw Lena's hand dip down underneath her panties. Unable to tear her gaze away, she watched Lena discard her undergarments by tossing them her way. Stef reached for them and inhaled her wife's scent.
Stef looked at her wife who was naked, dark skin and curls beckoning. She was grateful for the bright lighting in the room. She moved to the edge of the bed and sat up, enjoying the view. Lena was still dancing, still provoking, and Stef had had enough. Stef reached between her legs, confident she'd find herself wet and ready and she wasn't disappointed when she found her own moist clit. She rubbed herself wantonly as Lena stood there naked, swaying, gyrating. Lena was a glowing goddess and Stef had never felt so lucky to be with her.
When Stef felt herself moan, Lena quickly came over and put her hand on her wrist, stilling her hand. "Enough," she husked as she pulled her hand away. "That's mine to finish." Left wanting, Stef needed Lena to quickly restore that feeling. She wanted Lena to touch her, but Lena did something else, she turned down the lights and the music. Then, slowly, she kneeled before Stef and settled herself between her legs, covering Stef's chest with those long curly locks. She placed her mouth right over her breast and took Stef's nipple in her mouth. Lena was tenderly sucking her while her hand massaged her other breast. Stef could feel her nipples hardening painfully at the attention Lena was showering on them. She felt entirely owned, as she always had, by one Lena Adams, now thankfully her wife, Mrs. Adams Foster. With that last thought, she let herself feel, emptying her mind. No thought could penetrate the bliss of this act, this union with the woman who was everything. She concentrated only on the fresh smell of Lena's hair and the tender sucking sounds her mouth was making. Then, she felt Lena's hand tenderly rubbing her arm. But it was the sight of their union, of Lena between her legs, that brought a dryness to her mouth and ache between her legs. This was a moment that could be described as everything and nothing. She was lost but she wasn't alone, she'd always have Lena with her, no matter where they went. Tonight, they had a destination in mind.
"Lena, I need more now." She interrupted her wife who seemed intent on never letting go.
"Honey, it's been so long, I've missed the taste of you so much, I …" and Lena choked on her words.
"Oh baby," Stef couldn't do much but hold her wife. The emotions were coursing through them and she realized that this night they both needed each other, in all the ways married couples do. She leaned over her wife, who was still kneeling before her. She held Lena in place till she felt her wife calm, her breathing ease.
Eventually, a different feeling emerged in this silence as the gentle stroking on dark skin turned a little more purposeful. The second the energy changed, Lena reacted by moving her hips and her belly, rubbing Stef's core. Stef felt the pressure building on her clit. And both knew that the sparks had ignited again. Lena wasted no time kissing every inch of skin on her way to the place her wife needed her most. Stef had always loved the first lick, it was always reminiscent of the first time Lena had touched her in such a way. After so many years, it still sent shockwaves throughout her body, making her pussy clench and her toes curl. Lena knew how to touch her by now. She knew to lick slowly up the underside of her clit, and to distract her by licking her inner lips, first the right, then the left, then licker's choice. And when the friction grew, Lena would reach down and scoop the copious wetness back up to her clit. Stef could feel herself harden and her lips swell. She moaned with each stroke, Lena was teasing her, not escalating, sensing that Stef could come very quickly. Stef struggled to continue sitting, but she wanted to watch her wife eat her.
"Your taste is driving me crazy, Stef." Lena moaned between licks.
"Fuck, Lena don't stop… just love me… and lick… and suck…" the last word spoken as guidance, suggesting her desire. And Lena complied quickly taking her fully in her mouth, sucking her clit gently between her lips. This wasn't something she could always stand, Lena always waited for Stef to tell her if that was ok, making sure that she wouldn't overwhelm her love. Tonight, she was ready, beyond turned on, beyond focused on her love. Still on the edge of the bed, Stef bent her knee, her foot searching between Lena's legs, willing to provide the relief she knew that Lena needed.
Lena responded by wantonly rubbing herself on Stef's foot. Soon she felt her foot slick with Lena and she let her toe reach up to stroke. She was becoming distracted by Lena's own needs and could not take her mind away from her wife's pussy so close, yet still so far away. She reached down between her legs to touch Lena's long hair, wishing she was stroking much shorter hair. It all felt so good and she could not stop herself from pushing Lena's head closer to her, rubbing her hips up to Lena's lovely lips.
"Lena, sweetie," Stef interrupted, her hand stilling Lena's movements.
"Hmm…" Lena refused to take her lips away from that warm wetness.
"I need you too." Stef moaned.
This stopped Lena enough to tear herself away. She looked up at Stef, her mouth and chin glistening, "You have me."
Stef smiled at the truth of the statement, "I need to taste you, too." She smirked and watched as recognition hit Lena's face. Lena's grace and her own athleticism came into play as Lena swung herself on the large bed. Stef scooted up, giving Lena space to carefully place herself on top of Stef, both tacitly agreeing on letting Lena control the situation. She hovered over Stef, gently placing her knees on either side of Stef's face. She lowered herself down till lips touched lips and Stef took her first taste of the evening. Lena moaned loudly, recognizing the depth of her need, but her need also included Stef. Stef felt Lena reach for her once more, and resumed her previous movements. Anticipating her desire, Lena began sucking her.
Meantime, Lena was like a ripe fruit open to her and Stef was ready to devour her. She took an experimental lick as she moved her hands up Lena's thighs, to control her placement and pressure. She took another long lick along the length of Lena's open pussy and felt Lena grind herself on Stef's face. Her wife was ready but slightly behind. So she picked up her pace and licked quick flicks on Lena's clit, the way Lena always liked and Lena responded with loud wet moans. Soon, it was unclear who was moaning. Losing each other, each lick was felt as both given and received. Stef took her hands away and decided that she just needed more of Lena. She wrapped her arms around her wife, letting her hands roam over her ass, feeling the movement of Lena's hips above her. She brought her hands back around Lena's waist and pulled her down, needing to feel the entire length of their bodies touch. The wet stroking never ceased and they were both beginning to lose control.
Stef could barely think. Instinct took over, leading her where she needed to be. The pleasure was so intense that she just wanted to stop and enjoy it, but she knew she had to keep savoring the woman above her. They both needed to feel the bliss of their joining. So their two bodies moved as one as their mouths stroked, prodded and enjoyed the pleasure pouring out of the other. Moans filled the room and suddenly, both bodies stilled as they fell into oblivion, into nothing, into everything.
The tremors continued as they came down, Stef could feel her clit throb inside of Lena's lips… and she could feel the soft muscles on Lena's thighs spasm in the aftershocks of her orgasm. She licked Lena tenderly, making sure she squeezed out all the pleasure till Lena playfully, swatted her and pulled away slightly. Stef on the other hand could stay right where she was, all night, warmly and wetly cradled in her wife's mouth.
Lena moved off Stef, but it was Stef that quickly turned around to kiss her wife. They kissed deeply, tasting each other and themselves, till exhaustion overtook them. And there Stef finally fell asleep, not a care or worry in the world, safely in the arms of the woman who knew and loved her best. Tonight love was enough.
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Date Format: US - 12/31/2000 UK - 31/12/2000
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