Headaches

A new breed of Akuma= headaches Sending Kanda to Hogwarts= headaches Wizards' arrogance and bad penmanship =headaches Sending in Allen afterwards=headaches Over-nosy Golden Trio= headaches. Then unwanted people arrive. Yullen

I know I shouldn't but I couldn't help myself. Anyway here's my new story.

Chapter 1- Oh So I'm To Be A DADA Professor

Kanda stared at the Supervisor blankly, OK it was official the man had finally cracked. After all it wasn't like the guy wasn't bonkers already but yeah he had finally tipped over the edge, Komui was completely fucked up in head. So yeah he stared blankly at the man who was smiling cheerfully at him like he totally wasn't asking him to do a ridiculous action or believe this cock-a-bull story of wizards, witches and magic that the man had spent the past twenty minutes fabricating although a new breed of Akuma was a nice interesting touch he'd give the nut that.

"No" he replied staring down at Komui's outstretched hand, because why on earth would Komui ask Kanda Yuu to wave a magic wand like some low-rate children magician to satisfy his fanciful whims. Komui surely knew that the Moyashi or the Usagi would be a far better choice. Heck even one his Scientist stooges would make a million times more sense.

"C'mon Kanda take it and give it a wave" Komui coaxed shaking the stick in his face. Kanda looked around the room, thinking that maybe this was a prank because he actually didn't want the Supervisor to be carted off to a madhouse prison who knows what jackass of a stooge the Vatican would send in his place, there were enough jackasses (himself) and stooges (Link) as it is.

Kanda was in a rare mood (try once in a blue moon cause like seriously has anyone seen the moon blue) of joviality so he decided to humour the possibly mentally unstable man and took the stick. Nothing happened. He stared at Komui with a what-the-fuck look. Why was he here again, oh yeah some random Finder had told him that Komui needed him probably for a mission.

"Well give it a wave" Komui instructed completely oblivious (or maybe just ignoring) Kanda's look. Kanda huffed his rare jovial mood was fast disappearing into the ether but he did as the increasingly likely cracked man said. He got a shower of midnight blue sparks for his trouble.

Kanda raised an eyebrow that was it? If the now exceedingly likely cracked man had dragged him in here and wasted his time just for a stupid party trick someone, was well he wasn't sure what someone was going to get but it was going to be unpleasant that was for sure. Subconsciously his other hand strayed towards the hilt of his sword.

So too busy musing as to what punishment he would dish out Kanda utterly missed the jubilant look on Komui's face because the sparks should not have warranted that ecstatic a look. Kanda was wholly unaware that with just a flick of his wrist he had sealed his fate.

And that is how one hour later he found himself in a square cupboard sized room with a chair, a table and books. Oh and the bloody stick that he waved around like a fricking loony.
The books were everywhere. They covered the table leaving no square inch of space; they filled the floor space so completely he couldn't even tell if the flooring was stone or wood. And the books was mind-numbingly dull the words horribly spelt and often the books were hand-written and the writing was sometimes barely legible the ink smudged or faded with the letters running into each other.

It also didn't help that the training itself was getting ridiculous, there is only so much of the stick waving, and jabbing and slashing and flicking that he could take then the messed-up pronunciations of the fricking mumbo-jumbo he was forced to utter. And the condescending tone of Komui so wasn't helping. So he told Komui so.

"If you do not shut up you will get a close up view of what your innards look like."

Komui only sported the now familiar condescending look, "Now Kanda, I know this is all frustrating, but you have to get this down to pat for your next mission, or else you'll be like an idiot. Is that what you want?" before walking away giving the grumpy (and turning homicidal) exorcist his space. The Chinese man rather liked his entrails inside his body. Kanda scowled deeply then buried his head back into the dusty old book and started waving his hand around with the bloody stick, (a wand the Order has filched off a dead witch centuries ago) just as the book instructed.

Kanda was having a headache just looking at the pages and he was supposed to memorize this shit.

Thirty minutes later and he was going a mental rampage decimating all he blamed for his predicament, Komui right up there on the Number One spot of his list.

This was impossible, how the fuck was one supposed to cram in YEARS worth of magical knowledge in one month? How in the seven hells was he supposed to gain enough knowledge to pass himself off as a Defence Against the Dark Arts Professor in one FUCKING MONTH? It was fucking impossible.

Like seriously what the fuck was with these wizards, Kanda stared at the book disbelievingly, did they get a kick out making up wishy-washy words and terrible spelling, he was pretty damn sure Magic never had a k and what's with all the extra e's at the end of words.

He slammed shut the tome, (he had enough of looking at spells that he would never use) and opened up a newest looking volume of the stacks –multiple underlined and in bold, the room was buried in them. This edition was early 1900's according to the publishing date and it looked as if it had contained important info, ignoring the stupid fanciful title: A Neophyte's Guide to Terrible Spells, Forbidden Curses and the Dastardly Dark Arts.

….

Among all the evil curses there are three that are more malevolent than any other, these are named the Unforgivables. The Unforgivable Curses are as follows The Imperius Curse; Imperio- a decisive slash and a strong will, which allows the castor to bend and force the subject to do whatever they want. Many crimes are often unsolved due this curse. The Cruciatus Curse; Crucio- the will to cause the subject a copious amount of pain, isa curse that causes unimaginable agony to the subject. So strong the pain it's been claimed it can even drive the subject to insanity. Then the most evil of all them all, the Killing Curse; Avada Kerdarva, as the name clearly states usage of the curse causes the subject to die. There is no sign or evidence of this curse aside from the corpse. Any usage of any three of these spells means instant incarceration into the most foul of all prisons Azkaban.

Kanda (wonders what an actual useful book despite fanciful language could do to one's temper) leaned back frowning; wizards had it so easy, too easy. It was literally wave a magic wand, hocus pocus and hey presto deed done. Then he shrugged, not his problem, he's just there to investigate that new Akuma breed that had sprung up in the wizarding community, and it was to be him simply because he met the requirements.

That still pissed him off, that of course only he had the right requirements to do this farce of an exorcist's job. It couldn't be a Finder since one had to be magical to be able to assimilate into the wizarding community and it seemed Innocence was 'magical' enough to do that. So this reconnaissance mission fell to an Exorcist.

Krory had already got a mission and had jet-setted off somewhere to Romania, or was it Russia, Allen wasn't due back from his mission for another two months and the other Exorcist's were away on missions he figured or incarcerated in the infirmary.
But it was Lenalee's and Miranda's cases that really pissed him off. For some jacked off reason they hadn't reacted with the stupid sticks and he did which was stupid as he was not a wizard (like Vatican duh would make sure of that) so the only 'magical' thing about him was his Innocence which was what the bloody stick was supposed to and had reacted to.
So Lenalee with her Crystal Innocence should be far more 'magical' than him. Komui theorized it may be because he was a Second Exorcist but Kanda honestly didn't give a shit why he was the only one the stinking wand deemed 'magical' enough and that was all that was needed to piss him off.

So that was the reason as to why he was stuck, trapped in a room trying to cram a bunch of, in the long run, fucking useless knowledge. Fuck, the shit he had to for the Order. Although, his evil mind crackled, some practical practice will be needed and who better to aid him than his fellow colleagues. A smoky blasted Komui from the receiving end of a spell come to mind and he smirked. With that in mind he dove into the following pages

A fortnight later

Kanda groaned into his pillow, a pounding ache in his head that refused to subside. Today had been awful. He never wanted to see another book again, for life. Now that a good portion of a Library and a multitude of hours of practice had been drummed into his very being (he was leaving to assimilate himself into wizarding world in two days) it had occurred to him, that he had to teach this shit to a bunch of snot-nosed brats. He could barely handle/stand the Moyashi who was only a few years his junior in society practically the same age. How the fuck was he going to deal with fucking brats some half his age? Lord help us all, Kanda groaned internally, his headache getting increasingly bigger.

Komui's theory about Kanda being a Second Exorcist is right. The wand would react to the 'magical' influence of Innocence but with that reasoning Equip Type Exorcists would never be wizards or witches except when synchronizing. As Kanda is a Second Exorcist it ties up that loophole.
The Order has books on the wizarding community because they had been aware of them since like forever. They in fact have great if distant and very rarely used influence over the community (something that I will explain and show in later chapters). Their connections are strong if only used to mask their own presence. Usage of their connections is only used to contain, hide or placate (ish) the wizarding community when the Exorcist's exploits leaks out.
For those wondering Lavi was out on Bookman Apprentice business, sorry but only Kanda, Allen, and occasionally Lenalee (VERY occasionally) and by proxy Komui will be the Protagonist Exorcist characters that will feature in this story from D-Gray Man. The others will probably only be mentioned in passing.

This story was inspired by Fight the Good Fight, Finish the Race by jessicaknows.