Chapter Fifty-Three

Argument

Lieutenant JG Elizabeth Cutler

"There was no way we could save him, Miguel," Trip begins fast-talking the moment we're in the corridor and out of earshot of Malcolm's room. "An' we didn't even know how to tell if we could keep him comfortable, so I gave the order…"

"Don't you dare, Trip!" I snarl before he can say another word. As much as I usually appreciate his protective nature and admire his integrity for taking responsibility for everything that happens under his command, this is bullshit, and I'm not having it. "Don't you fucking dare!"

"Liz, I…"

"You're lying," I say, then I turn to Miguel. "He wasn't even there. He didn't know what was happening until Corporal Cole reported in, and by then it was already over. It was my decision. Mine alone. I drew up a syringe full of the electrolyte concentrates they were pumping into Malcolm and injected them through the umbilical cord so it would look like an overdose had crossed the placental barrier. If I was ever questioned, I planned on explaining that I caught it in time to reverse it in Malcolm, but the baby had already died."

I'm sobbing already, and I don't even care. It was the worst thing I've ever done in my life – An act of mercy! My god, the irony! – and I haven't been able to talk about it with anyone since the day it happened. Trip and Miguel are trying hard to understand me; they'll get the gist of it.

"Cole suggested it, once she understood how sick he was, and I completed the procedure. She asked if he was in pain, and I told her he more than likely was. She asked if he would survive, and I told her no.

"I asked all the questions that are required, Miguel. Was she speaking for the patient? She didn't understand what was happening at first, but when I explained that someone has to act as guardian and advocate, she said yes!

"Then I asked her if she understood that he was dying and couldn't be saved and if she thought something should be done to prevent his suffering, and she said yes!

"So I asked her if she understood that once I started the procedure it couldn't be stopped, and she said yes!

"And when I asked her if she thought it was the most humane thing we could do for him, she said yes! And if she says anything differently if you ask her now, she's a lying cunt!

"So I did it! Me! Without a Doctor's authorization! Without him even having a proper name!" I turn to Trip then, and glare at him through my tears. "I did it, and it broke my heart, and you don't get to take that away from me, even if you are trying to protect me!"

He draws me into a hug. I'm still mad at him for trying to cover up what I did, so I try to punch him a couple of times, but he's holding me too close for me to get much force behind it. Then I realize that I don't want to hurt him, and just let him hold me while I sob for a minute or two. Eventually, I regain some degree of control and manage to clean myself up with a tissue before I turn to address Miguel again.

"He doesn't get to take responsibility for what I did, and you don't get to have an opinion," I say defiantly. "You saw that baby when we came in, and I'm sure you examined him after Malcolm was stable. There's no way in hell you can look me in the eye and tell me there is one single thing we could have done to make that baby's life easier."

"Nurse Cutler…"

"If I thought Cole was wrong I would have argued against it, but the truth is, I was relieved when she suggested it."

"Liz…"

"I've worked with you long enough to know your position on things like this," I plough on, not willing to let him speak until I've had my say. "So if you want to try to have me prosecuted, you go right ahead. I'd like to see you fucking try to bring a case in court."

"Sweetheart…"

"I euthanized that child, Doctor Salazar," I declare, "and, all things being equal, I'd do it again, if I knew it meant my life." And suddenly I'm shattered again, but manage to choke out, "Because it was the only way to stop his suffering."

This time Miguel is the one to wrap his arms around me.

"Ah might have a few words for my brother-in-law 'bout puttin' you in that situation, darlin', but Ah'm not gonna try to have you prosecuted. Ah'm certain you did the very best you could do for that child under the circumstances."

I'm still crying too hard to say anything, so after a minute, he shakes me gently. "You hear me?"

I nod, and I feel him scoop me up off my feet; and hours later, I wake up in my own bed in my quarters.

It's the middle of the night, and Elaine is there.

"It's all right, sweet pea," she coos at me. "You go on back to sleep. If you need to talk about anything, I'll be around in the mornin'."

"'M still mad at Trip," I pout.

"I know, sweetheart, but try to keep in mind, his heart's usually in the right place, even when he has his head up his ass."

That language coming from Elaine is enough to shock me awake. I look at her, and she gives me a smile and a wink. I can't help but giggle. She's right of course, and as quickly as I realize that, I'm over being angry. Trip wasn't trying to whitewash the terrible thing I'd done that I was – probably still am – struggling to accept; he was just trying to protect me from prosecution. I'm an adult and a professional. If I was having trouble living with what I'd had to do, I should have asked for help. Trip is probably the busiest man in the Empire now that Malcolm's out of commission, and he's doing well to slip a clandestine visit to this abandoned bunker in the American desert in amongst his duties on the station and his meetings with the Empress and the admirals. It wasn't fair of me to expect him to notice that I was struggling and force the help on me.

"Actually, I think I should probably talk to Ginny," I realize.

"That's fine, little girl," Elaine says sympathetically, "but for now, you go on back to sleep."

I do, and with a smile on my face.

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