Disclaimer: I do not own Evangelion
Chapter 17: Interlude I: Should I want him?
I finally lifted my eyelids after three long rounds of alarm ringers. Yawning, I grumbled in annoyance and waited for the alarm to be disabled. But it never stopped blaring. I frowned. Normally it should…
Oh. He wasn't sleeping with me anymore.
It had been a while since I asked him to sleep apart, but I guess old habits die hard. I even thought 'normally'. Shameful that I got used to somebody else taking care of me…I should be independent and not rely on anyone.
I got up from my bed that felt too big for me and stretched my limbs. A glance and the clock told me it was seven in the morning. Today was a Monday, and I had to go to school. Therefore, I quickly got a change of clothes and exited my bedroom, heading to the bathroom to start my morning routine.
When I crossed the kitchen area, I saw Shinji already up and cooking breakfast like usual. Even though I wanted to be independent, I could give this a pass.
He just cooked too good of a meal. I couldn't resist it. At all. I even willingly took all his chores in exchange for him cooking all the meals.
During the first few days after the battle, I was somewhat uncomfortable being around him for obvious reasons. In a way, I rejected him, and I was scared that he would get angry with me and leave me. But he didn't. Instead, he continued to be friendly with me as if he wasn't influenced by my bitchy moves. What did I do to deserve this?
For some reason I didn't know, today he seemed more nervous than usual. Before he would hum some songs while cooking, but today he just worked in silence, the small smile he wore all the time to tell other people – or perhaps only to me - that he felt happy was nowhere to be seen as well.
"Good morning," I said as I shoved my messy long hair behind my ears. "Morning," Shinji replied as if he was on autopilot, still focused on the breakfast…or rather thoughts in his head.
One thing that confused me was his rapidly shifting personality. One moment before, he could be competitive or even antagonistic to me; the next second, he was totally nice and kind. Sometimes even wimpy. Were they only his façades to hide his secrets?
Speaking of which…I think I could understand him-
It. Understand it.
Still, he shared something with me, didn't he? For some unspoken reason, the girl he talked about constantly nagged at me, and his mother…he told me his mother was dead the day we met.
I shook the thoughts off and continued from where I left off. After I finished washing and cleaning, I came out of the bathroom and went straight for breakfast. Toast and scrambled eggs with a cup of milk as a supplement, just the way I liked it. "Slept well last night?" He asked as he put down his own portion on the table.
I pondered for a moment. The first few days where I slept alone weren't as bad as I had expected, and I almost relinquished the idea that it was Shinji who took my nightmares away.
Almost. Until they came back again.
"Not too bad, I guess," I lied. Though I knew my swollen eye bags and red eyes betrayed me as I saw the suspicion in his look. However, he made no remarks and dug into his meal. I let out a small sigh.
On the bus ride to school, we often would chat about random stuff. He always seemed to have endless topics to talk about, which intrigued me. I thought boys at his age were all perverts who think with their genitals, not brains. He made a special exemption, I had to admit.
"Hi Asuka!" I was greeted by the enthusiastic class representative as I entered the classroom. After the battle with Sandalphon I had a lot of time to think. I felt guilty for pushing her away simply because she said the wrong thing at the wrong time. I knew she wasn't malicious; she was only trying to be helpful.
"Hello Hikari," I greeted back somewhat listlessly, still haunted by the nightmare last night. Sitting down on my chair, I opened my laptop and checked my inbox. I snorted as I saw dozens of new date requests that occupied my screen. Without second thoughts, I discarded all of them like I always did.
I am an elite pilot who saved the world single-handedly; I don't have time to deal with immature kids who only want to grope a cheap feel on me. Even if I wanted to date someone, Shinji would be my first and only choice.
And that would likely mean relying on him once again, which I didn't want to.
XXXXXX
"Rise! Bow! Sit!" The Sensei came in and continued lecturing on how meaningful and colorful pre-impact life was. I despised it at first since it was so dull that it made me extremely sleepy. My opinion had changed, though. Soon I found out that the benefit of him being repetitive was he also didn't care about what the students do. So I could utilize the time as I preferred and not suffer any form of homework, which was a waste of my time since I couldn't learn anything new from it.
It seemed like many people had the same ideas as me.
A horde of admirers and fans started sending PMs to me, mainly praising me for how I defeated the Angels. The day I came back to school after the battle against the eighth Angel, I began bragging about how every other pilot failed while I saved their asses and the world as their last line of defense. Of course people complimented and praised me; not too long ago this would have made my day, but I didn't enjoy it as much recently. In fact, now they annoyed me to the extent I regreted bragging about it in the first place.
What's this…emptiness that I felt?
Just a small 'thank you' from Shinji…outweighed thousands of meaningless and hollow praises I received from other students.
Why?
Because they didn't understand me like Shinji could. The feeling of losing your legs inside an EVA was something they'd never experience. Getting boiled alive by a high-energy particle beam? Not in a million years. Not to mention-
The lunch bell to me sounded the most pleasant melody in the world; today we would have a sync test, which meant we could leave school after lunch. "Ikari? Could you please come here for a second?" I turned my head in the direction of the voice and saw Sensei waving his hand feebly at Shinji, who nodded in acknowledgment and walked to the podium. They talked about stuff I couldn't hear clearly, still, I caught several phrases like 'advanced education' and 'your father'. I grew curious.
"Shinji, what you were talking about with Sensei?" I probed as I, wondergirl, and Shinji walked on our way to NERV HQ. Sweat dripped down from my body, soaking my school uniform. To say that the day was hot was like simply saying EVAs are 'big'.
Well, EVAs aren't 'big'. They are colossal.
"He asked me if I want to participate in an advanced education program, and he wanted to talk about it with my…guardian." He replied nonchalantly as if he had already expected it to happen.
It was another thing that slightly irritated me. Shinji always got full grades on all subjects and made it look easy by submitting the exams earlier than everyone else. Since I sat near him, I observed him answering the questions one time. The way he filled the answer sheet… I'll put it this way: he might as well be copying straight from the solutions sheet. Damn it, I was supposed to be the most intelligent person in the school! Even though my Kanji had improved a lot thanks to his assistance, I still had no chance to surpass him.
"Good for you, someday you may get enrolled into a college early, just like me," I tried to remind myself that I should still be superior in terms of educational level.
We continued to trek down the road. Shinji had been tense and nervous all the way, as if he was walking toward some expected doom. Even though I wanted to push him away, his sore mood started affecting me as well. "How about we go buy some ice cream? The weather is cooking me alive," I pointed at a small shop on the side of the street.
"Good idea," he smiled a small smile for the first time of the day, turning to the grocery store.
The first thing he did after entering the store was to look at the clock. I knew he valued punctuality, but I felt this was a little bit overboard. When we left the school, we still had several hours to spend along the way, after all.
To my surprise, he let out a sigh of relief, his face visibly lit up. The cool temperature produced by the buzzing air-conditioning of the store must've soothed his dismal mood, I supposed. "Strawberry flavor," I said.
"Vanilla please."
"…"
"Wondergirl?" I turned around to look at the First Child, who was staring into nothingness like usual. I sighed, "Ayanami?"
"Yes, Asuka?" She blinked and looked at me. Good.
"What flavor do you fancy? Ice cream, I mean."
"I do not deem eating ice cream necessary."
I found myself at a loss for words. Well, she had always been acting like this, so I couldn't really blame her. As much as I knew she wasn't actually a doll since she could show emotions in her own weird way, I still felt annoyed by her indifferent attitude.
"Ayanami, not everything you do should be 'necessary', alright? Sometimes you do things for your own likings and interest." Of course, Shinji would say it to her. "Your suggestion is…acceptable." I felt tightness grow inside my chest as I saw wondergirl's lips curled up a bit at his words, at which he smiled his own smile. Damn it, he's mine-
No. He's not mine anymore. I pushed him away, didn't I? So why was I complaining? I at least deserved it.
I forever only had myself and my EVA.
XXXXXX
We continued marching toward the entrance of the Geofront. The sunshine grew increasingly baking with each passing moment, so when I saw the shadow cast by the gigantic dome of Geofront entrance, I rushed to the place. Leaning on the cool metal wall, I panted heavily and wiped out the sweat on my forehead. Shinji and wondergirl came in together moments later. I took out my NERV ID card and swiped it through the slot of the identification device. A green passing sigh showed up with an acute 'beep' sound, and the door opened. We entered the Geofront and took the train elevator.
"Just you wait, Shinji. I'll beat you in this sync test!" I boasted, partially trying to get myself psyched up for it. Last time my sync rate was only 0.5 percent lower than the invincible Shinji-sama's, and while I was improving with each test, he seemed to hold at a specific threshold. Today would be my best chance.
"We'll see about that, Asuka," he said back with a smirk, his mood visibly brighter than before. What changed? Did that ice cream cast a spell on him? Or was it-
My musings were interrupted by a distant yet undoubtedly sound of cartridge explosion. "Did…did you hear that?" I lowered my volume. Nodding, Shinji's turned his expression grim instantly, "that was…gunfire."
As if aroused by his words, I could hear several more rounds of pistol firing, mixed with sidearms and sub-machine guns. "What the fuck?" I shouted in a whisper. "Are we under an armed invasion or something?!"
"I advise we hurry to the EVA cages." Wondergirl cut in at the moment. As much as I hated to admit it, she had an absolute point. Ironically, the inside of our entry plugs could be both the safest and most dangerous places in the world.
Fortunately, we didn't encounter any foes on our way to the EVA cages. There were groups of armed security troops patrolling the area, a sight I had never seen before. "Misato!" I called out as I saw the Captain of NERV standing in front of the Evangelion Chamber, Kaji was there with her as well. "What the hell is going on?!"
"Thank god you are all okay kids!" She pulled Shinji and me into a light hug. The warm sensation temporarily wiped out my nervousness; maybe Misato did care about me…
"There's a small group of armed soldiers inside NERV HQ, sabotaging our facilities."
"They've already destroyed the communication system, but luckily we caught them before they could do anything worse."
As I processed the shocking information Misato told me, I could obviously see the anxiousness in Kaji. "Kaji-san, what are you doing here?" I asked. I didn't feel like clinging to him anymore, for whatever reasons, and I actually felt slightly liberated that I no longer have the urge to seduce him by any means.
"Ah, Katsuragi wanted to talk with me for something, so I came along. When we got inside the elevator, it was when the gunfire started. We thought you all have a sync test today, so here is the most probable place you'll come."
I noticed the almost invisible smirk that crept up Shinji's face as if he was the person behind the curtain.
"Well, I guess an Angel attack would be the worst thing that could happen right now…" I remarked offhandedly.
Then the Angel alarm blared.
Speaking of the devil…
"Just fucking wonderful…" Misato mumbled in exasperation. "Get into your respective entry plugs!" We were already on our feet before she spoke the command, though. I felt I was turning hot-blooded as I changed into my plugsuit. Another Angel. Another opportunity to shine. Another chance to declare my usefulness to the world. Another evidence that I could be independent. Not to mention I would surpass Shinji in terms of Angel kill counts if I got this one by myself.
I sat in my entry plug and waited impatiently. "EVA LAUNCH!" Ooooo…when she shouted that, I swore she was the most attractive woman in the world. A wave of a feeling of overweight assaulted me as the launch shaft shot upwards with me and my EVA.
I settled my eyes on the Angel as soon as I came to the surface since its size was disproportionately large. It has four disturbingly long legs and a round, pea-shaped body. Its spherical body was covered by numerous yellow eyes, and all of the ones I could see seemed to be focusing in on me, making me cringe.
I looked over at my teammates, who were standing not far away from me, assuming a combat stance. I grabbed a progressive spear while Unit 01 held a pallet rifle in his hand, and Unit 00 crouched into a sniping position, holding a sniper rifle. I liked how they gave me the leading attack role; I was the best pilot, after all.
"I've got this," I said into the comms before pushing the controls forward. "Asuka, don't be so reckless!" If it weren't for the worry that literally radiated from his voice, I would've thought he only wanted to halt my attack and claim the kill himself. Still, I didn't hesitate and continued charging forward. I leaped into the air while pushing my AT-Field against the Angel's, neutralizing it without too much trouble. So far, this Angel seemed weak. I grinned and brought the spear down onto its body.
Upon contact, I saw globs of yellowish liquid burst out from the gigantic wound inflicted by my spear. Initially I thought it was LCL, but the fact that my weapon melted and turned into smoke made me think otherwise. "It's acid!" I shouted into the microphone as I tried to jump away from the Angel, but it was too late.
I screamed in pain as acid rained down onto my EVA, the crucifying burning sensation on my back felt like millions of ants stinging. I summoned all of my remaining consciousness to roll aside, away from the imminent danger.
"Providing suppressive fire." Came wondergirl's monotone voice as I saw a round of 406mm armor-piercing shells burst out from the muzzle of her sniper rifle, heading toward the Angel at sonic speeds. With me still holding up my AT-Field, the Angel failed to raise its own and took the bullets with its soft body tissues.
Unlike the last Angel we fought, this one visibly possessed weaker body strength. The metal shells tore its skin and flesh apart without issue; tons of LCL mixed with acid surged out from the holes created by the impacts. My heart sank as I saw the red core through the wounds at the center of its body cracked and exploded.
Damn it. This one was indeed an easy kill. And wondergirl stole it from me.
Even though I felt I should hate her for stealing the kill, I couldn't. I knew it wasn't her intention; she only followed the orders. If anything, I only had my own carelessness and bad luck to blame on.
I sighed in disappointment and willed my damaged EVA back to the retrieval points. It wasn't a big deal at all. I could've killed the Angel by myself, that I was sure of. Therefore, I could probably deal with the next one just as quickly, and I didn't intend to lose the opportunity twice.
I will kill the next Angel by myself.
Asuka Langley Soryu would not lose.
XXXXXX
The three of us pilots sat back on a grassy ledge overlooking the architectural marvel that's Tokyo-3 as the moon rose and the blanket of night took over. "I wonder why there are so few stars in the sky?" Suddenly Shinji's half-questioning voice came to me. I scoffed and crossed one leg over the other, rolling my eyes. "It's called the light pollution, idiot. If the city doesn't have lights, you would see a lot more stars." Strangely, I didn't expect him to ask such a simple question, considering his extraordinary performance in school. Maybe he used it as a conversation opener, I didn't know.
"I do not enjoy being surrounded by brightness. I want to be able to see the stars," I heard wondergirl saying. Frowning slightly, I followed, "well, I enjoy brightness. It should be human's instinct to go after light, wouldn't you say?"
"I prefer brightness as well," Shinji's voice carried an unmeasurable depth in it. "I hate darkness, but I couldn't escape from it. I tried, but I always fail...the experience, the memories...the unforgiven." He took a glance at me; the pure sadness behind his mask literally poured out from his eyes.
I suddenly felt incredibly guilty. Was it because of me distancing myself from him? "Why do you like brightness, Asuka?"
I bit down on my lips. "When I lived in Berlin, I was surrounded by lights. I got used to it, I guess." I felt my mood dropping as I recalled my experience in NERV Berlin. Endless training and work, nothing but...darkness and despair.
I found the actual reason for my craving for brightness the same as him.
"I also enjoy being around with you as my friends," Rei spoke up abruptly, shutting off my train of thoughts. "Do you enjoy being around with me as well?"
"Of course Ayanami," Shinji's reply came instantly. As for me, although I couldn't exactly say 'enjoy', she was at least a tolerable company. "You're...an okay friend, I guess."
Friend. I sneered internally at the thought. A vague term created for ambiguity.
"Do you enjoy Shinji-kun's company more than mine, Asuka?"
I choked at the unexpected question. The short and simple answer would be capitalized 'YES', but there were more careful considerations. In retrospect, even after I pushed Shinji away, he continued to be friendly to me. All of the achievements I had till today wouldn't be possible if he didn't burst into my room on that day when I attempted suicide and held me tight that night.
Then I closed off myself as soon as I could. He should be mad at me, for I practically used him then dumped him like a broken tool once I grew out of it. Instead, he just took it and...
In fact, I care about him, a lot. I can even say I like him. But...I don't think I deserve him. I could only hurt him if we move forward, and I'm afraid he would hurt me as well.
I couldn't comprehend; The way he acted toward me, the almost unconditional affection he gave me, reminded me of my momma. But I couldn't accept it.
I'm not some love-struck teenager who would accept unconditional love from anyone. I can only accept it from momma since she had every reason to love me without second thoughts, but she's already gone. I don't think I can love anyone else other than my mother just because they act as if they love me. I need substantial reasons and proof from them.
And I fail to know why he would...pamper me. The other girl before me he mentioned…even though he said otherwise, I still couldn't get rid of the feeling that I was only her replacement. It was the only logical conclusion I could come up with.
And it scares me.
What if it was only a game he's playing with me?
I know I want him, but should I want him? Do I deserve him? Can I actually love him? Can he understand me like how I want?
Not to mention now I had my EVA again, I could live with being alone...an independent elite pilot is what I've always wanted, isn't it?
However, the reason for me piloting was to gather attention from other people...whom I didn't really care about anymore. Then what else should I want?
What's stranger, he was willing to give me space as I demanded. He didn't even protest when I said that we should sleep apart. And his respect to my modesty...I didn't even know it existed in the male species.
Did that mean he doesn't want me? Or at least he didn't want my body?
Everything was so confusing and ambiguous...it frustrated me.
Even if I want to go further with him, I need to sort out my own feelings at first, shouldn't I?
Still, I thought I should at least give him something that would tell him that I really cared about him. "I do enjoy Shinji's company. I'd say he's my best friend here, no doubt," I turned my head to him. "So let's keep it that way, okay?"
"Sure. I can say the same thing to you, Asuka." He smiled his trademark grin that I had never seen him show anybody else ever before.
Shit...I just couldn't...
I closed my eyes and smiled a sad smile of my own.
XXXXXX
AN: Maybe you've noticed, I don't fancy writing battles that aren't significant. Well, all of the remaining battles would be significant, so…Stay tuned and leave a review!