Chapter 20: Teddy

The fork stopped halfway to Remus' mouth. Tonks' eyelids scrunched shut as her mouth turned down in a wince, one hand roaming to her lower back. Like flicking through the pages of a book at speed, Remus' brain began cataloguing and re-cataloguing everything, mentally preparing every check, every spell, whilst his stomach seemed to detach itself and take its exit through the floorboards. Tonks' dark eyelashes flicked up to meet his gaze.

"You're doing it again," she said. "And you."

Remus and Andromeda looked down at their plates in unison.

"A watched cauldron never bubbles." Tonks stuffed a date into her mouth and chewed moodily. "We should have known any sprog of mine was bound to be late."

Tonks' initial nervous excitement at dropping had manifested itself first in a manic rummage through the nursery drawers - debating which was her favourite sleep suit, bumblebees or bears - and second in cornering him in their bedroom for what proved to be the most awkward and most tender sex of their lives; Tonks' body a gorgeous, swollen adventure, the two of them giddy with the best kind of laughter. But when her due date came and went, nervous excitement turned to frustration and though Tonks felt the pressure of a head locked decisively at her pelvis, and her spiky pink bob froze in place as her morphing ability paused, there was no Teddy.

She rubbed at the dark circles under her eyes. "I'm going to be stuck like this forever. A plodding rhinoceros woman with huge squishy slug feet."

"I remember feeling that way too, but - " Andromeda began.

"I need a wee again," Tonks grumbled, pushing herself up from the table.

"Do you need any help?" Remus asked, half-rising.

Tonks rolled her eyes at him and ambled jerkily away towards the stairs, one hand holding her low-hanging belly and the other still rubbing her back. They heard her swearing under her breath as she climbed the stairs, the old wood creaking beneath her.

Andromeda looked thoughtful. "Keep a close eye on her tonight."

"I will."

After every candle in the house had been extinguished and Remus had tested every security spell not once but twice, he paused on the landing and peered into the dark nursery. He walked slowly inside and ran a finger over the tops of the pre-prepared bottles of potions, salves, ointments; his eyes scanning the written notes on incantations, the torn-out pages of instructions, accounting for the presence of every sheet, towel, bucket. He stopped when he reached the armchair. Tonks' favourite sleep suit - bumblebees emblazoned on a purple onesie - was laid out upon it. Remus reached out and held the sleeve where a little hand would soon be.

x-x

It was a hotter night than was reasonable for April. Tonks was asleep when he slipped into bed beside her but it wasn't long until she was groaning, performing several-stage manoeuvres to turn from one side to the other, commencing her repeated trudges to the toilet, mumbling she was alright every time he asked. When his stuporous half-sleep was broken again, he found himself staring at Tonks' outline. He knew she was awake.

"Dora?" He whispered, putting his arm around her.

Tonks gripped his hand tight, but said nothing - that was when Remus noticed she was breathing in the way they had learned together, sighing slowly out through her mouth.

"Dora, how are you feeling?"

Tonks pulled him closer. Her pyjama top was damp with sweat.

"Talk to me."

"I'm not ready."

He kissed the back of her head. "What do you mean?"

"I was so impatient for it, but now I'm not ready. I've barely slept a wink, I'm so bloody tired. I thought it was just back ache, same as at dinner, but I dunno…it's spreading to my tummy, my legs…I can feel it…my body changing…like it's getting ready without me…"

"Everything's going to be alright."

Remus rubbed her back and together they waited for the pain to return whilst Tonks drifted in and out of an anxious sleep. Twenty minutes passed until he felt her belly tighten under his light touch.

"It's not like the fake ones," she said, "I think it's the real Mccoy this time…oh bloody hell…"

"Breathe with me."

Remus lit the candle at the side of the bed. Hand-poured by Andromeda, it filled the room with a subtle soothing charm; the smoke imbued with a mild pain reliever.

"Sixty-five seconds," said Tonks, when it was over.

"There's still time for you to rest, to try and sleep some more if you can."

"Not much hope of that."

"Would you like me to wake your mother?"

She shook her head against the pillow. "Not yet…could you…help me turn over?"

When they were facing one another, Remus looked into Tonks' eyes. They were wide, the dark blue irises black, candlelight flickering in her pupils.

"Let's stay like this for a bit," she whispered, "might be the last time we get to be just the two of us."

She rested her face against his and they lay there together, breathing in time.

x-x

First foot, second foot, first foot, second foot: the walls were thin enough for Tonks to hear his every step up the ladder so Remus kept his feet under control, not allowing himself to run. He knocked - a soft, unpanicked rap of the knuckles - and the trap door opened in an instant, revealing Andromeda kneeling at the hole's edge. Wrapped in a silk robe with her hair in silver pins, there was not a jot of surprise on her face.

"It's time, isn't it?"

x-x

Remus massaged Tonks' back, sliding his hand down each side of her spine, smoothing a home-made mixture into her skin. Her breathing was peppered with swearing of gradually escalating foulness, the sighs they'd practised becoming angry puffs.

"How long's this going to take?"

"You know we can't give you an exact estimate, darling," said Andromeda. "It's still early. Everything is progressing as well as can be expected, that's the important thing."

"You're doing wonderfully," said Remus.

Tonks shrugged him off and started shuffling from one end of the bedroom to the other. "Doesn't feel so wonderful, feels like there's a hundred tiny bludgers in there, like I'm going to shit out the Hogwarts Express but with none of the speed."

"I don't quite have your way with words, Nymphadora, but I remember you putting me through something remarkably similar. You're on Teddy's time now, I'm afraid."

Tonks leant her forehead against the cool glass of the window, supporting herself on the sill. The early morning light was blue against her cheek.

"Why can't I be on Tonks time?" She swivelled her head to look at him and Remus saw the ghost of a twinkle in her eyes. "Don't you smile at me, Remus Lupin. You're the one who did this to me. It's all your fault, you know - everything."

"I've been trying to tell you that for years."

Tonks snorted. Andromeda hid a smile behind her hand.

x-x

Bright runnels of light spread from Remus' wand and broke the surface of the bathwater, spreading until the contents of the tub resembled liquid gold. He helped Tonks climb inside and she sank to her chin, tilting her head back with a wince that could have been relief or pain or both; her strained belly button peaked through the bubbles.

"How is it?"

"Better," she breathed, "cheers."

"Let me know if there's anything else you need."

Tonks shook her head and closed her eyes. "I just want to chill here for a bit."

"Of course."

Tonks opened one eye.

"You are sickeningly calm, you know that?"

"Well, I've got the easy job."

Tonks reached out a dripping hand to tug him closer. He bent to kiss her, her lips wet from the charmed water.

"Spin the record on your way out, would you? If T-Rex can't encourage Teddy's arrival, I don't know what will."

"I wouldn't blame the poor child if it had the opposite effect."

Tonks smirked. "I'll pretend I didn't hear that."

Remus set down the needle. He felt its crackle as a shiver between his shoulder blades - not of fear or cold, but of memory; a deja vu, called up by the sound, by the lavender in the air. He remembered his mother. How she would she read to him from muggle story books as the turntable went round, tales of young heroes, of boon companions saving the day and ending it with a picnic. She would giggle in her close-lipped way at her favourite passages whilst he listened, rapt, forgetting about the ache in his bandaged wrists, leg, stomach. Crossing into the nursery, Remus did the only thing he could think to do: he spoke a set of coded words and sent his patronus leaping away with them to the other side of the world.

Andromeda entered just as the jack rabbit vanished. Remus controlled his expression a little too late.

"Everything okay, Remus?"

"Oh, fine. Fine. Thank you." He picked up a potion bottle and then, not knowing why, put it back down again. "Dora seems a little calmer now."

"That's good. I don't think it will be long now until the next stage."

"I agree."

There was a short pause before Andromeda spoke again. "Was that a message to your father?"

Remus hesitated. "I suppose I should have waited…there was no need to alert him so early, but…"

"You wanted him to know," she finished quietly.

"Yes…" Remus hadn't planned on saying what he said next but the words fell from him anyway. "It's been more than a decade but still I couldn't help imagining that the message was travelling to my mother as well."

Andromeda's expression did not change.

"I'm sorry," Remus felt his cheeks warming, "this is hardly the time for mawkishness."

Without a word, Andromeda glided across the room and hugged him. The surprise of it made him hold his breath. She let him go just as expeditiously and he realised that she was holding Ted's letter.

"Now?" He asked, as she pushed it into his hand. "Are you sure?"

She raised an eyebrow and her lip curled slightly. "If you think you'll have time to read it later, you're not as well prepared as I thought."

x-x

On the day I found out me and Andromeda were expecting, I wasn't scared one bit. Fatherhood? Easy. Babies? I'd be a natural. That's what I reckoned, anyway….what a cocky young sod!

It goes without saying that I got a right old shock when Nymphadora Tonks came along. Seven pounds and seven ounces of pure bawling need. It seemed to me like she'd inherited all the wilfulness of the Black family, all the contrariness of the Tonks family and combined it with her own brand of individuality in one noisy technicolour package! She wasn't an idea in my head anymore, she was real…and she needed a lot more from me than the naive boy I was could ever have imagined!

I've never felt so flipping inadequate in all my life than I did on that first day. I hadn't the foggiest. My magnificent wife had pulled off the incredible and there was me - a bumbling idiot, couldn't even look at a nappy without dropping it. But the thing is, being a dad - or being a mum for that matter - isn't about being perfect. Sometimes it's just about muddling through, keeping going, laughing off the bad days, counting your blessings every night (even when there's sick down your back at four in the morning!) and - this is important - going that extra mile to make sure the woman you love gets enough sleep.

All of this is to say that you're not doing it wrong if you feel doubtful in yourself or a bit scared. Being scared doesn't make you a bad dad. It takes bravery to be a parent - and it doesn't count as real bravery unless you're secretly throwing a wobbly every day (it's all worth it, I promise!)

You might be wondering why I'm writing to you. After all, you abandoned my daughter and, as I'm sure you can appreciate, I've wanted to wring your neck on more than a few occasions. Well, the reason is this…I think you're better than the rotten thing you did. Why do I think that? Because you came back. You knew you'd blown it and that there was a decent chance Dora would have opted for a flamethrower charm instead of a conversation, but you did it anyway. You see, I know what it's like to love someone more than you love yourself. I also know what it's like to have that someone sacrifice too much to be with you, throwing away the life they had and exchanging it for a far more dangerous one. I know these things just like I know you're probably the only person who truly understands why I had to leave.

Anyway, you (unlike me) have got a new start ahead of you. The baby won't care a fig where you've been, how you've lived, what you've done - all it wants is a full belly, plenty of cuddles and the chance to scream its lungs out for no rhyme or reason. Accept yourself, Remus. Your baby will.

I can't claim to be an expert on parenthood (though I think you'll agree Dora turned out more than alright!) and there's one thing I really can't prepare you for, because there's nothing in this world that can - and that's the wave of love coming your way. I'll never forget the first time I saw Dora. I carry that feeling with me everywhere I go.

I hope this letter is pointless. I hope I'm reading it to you in person, home again, because it turned out that the war ended in a jiffy. I hope my beautiful Dromeda is sighing that long suffering sigh of hers, that Dora is taking the mickey out of me for being a silly, sentimental old fogey, that you're there bouncing my grandchild on your knee. I really bloody hope so…but if not, chin up! Raise a glass to wet the baby's head in my honour!

Ted

Remus was drying his streaming eyes and going right back to the beginning, wanting to hear the words again inside his head in that warm voice he prayed he would never forget, when he heard Andromeda helping Tonks out of the bath; the gentle swish of a mother wrapping her daughter in a towel. As they crossed the landing, the joke Tonks was telling was interrupted by her own sudden cry - and something splashed on the floorboards Remus knew was not bathwater.

This time, he did allow himself to run.

x-x

Six hours later, Tonks was on her hands and knees on the bed, moaning deep in her throat as another contraction took her. Pain relief bubbles bobbed steadily down from the ceiling above and seeped through the cotton of her faded black nightie. Sweaty pink curls corkscrewed at her temples and Remus placed an ice-cold cloth on her forehead with his only free hand, the other pinned to the sheets by hers.

"Each one brings Teddy closer," he said. "You can do this, my love. You can do this."

Any quips Tonks might once have made had deserted her. She only nodded, her expression hardening into a look he had only previously seen on the cusp of battle.

x-x

Evening approached and a gale rattled the windows. Remus sat on the edge of the bed, supporting Tonks as she squatted, the back of her head bruising his sternum and her elbows needling his knees. She was through the trembling despair of the transition point and now she declared, in a voice hurled up and out of the depths of her chest, a voice of absolute certainty that, "I've got to push…I want to push…"

"Yes, yes, it's time," said Andromeda from the floor. Though she was ashen with exhaustion, her sharp eyes were undimmed. "That's it, push…"

The room, the house containing the room, the forest containing the house, the sky and the stars and everything Remus knew shrank and became Tonks - her vibrating moans, her fundamental, primal keens, her blood tanging the air - as she gave all she had to bearing down and delivering Teddy into their world. His words of encouragement weren't enough, he wanted to take her trials on himself, but they were all hers. The two who loved her couldn't join her, could only light the way through what was her own unknowable tunnel of struggle. Remus felt the impossible strength of her body between his arms, saw a single determined tear eke out through her clenched eyelids and down her cheek.

x-x

"…Teddy's crowning, Nymphadora, short breaths now…"

"You're almost there, Dora…almost there…"

So it was that at twelve minutes past seven on the tenth of April, their son was born into Andromeda's hands and Remus lost his heart all over again.

Greyish red, smeared and screaming, Teddy greeted the world with a wail and a shock of black hair, utterly outraged by the miracle of his emergence. Remus and Tonks - faces pressed together, her body still one with their baby - stared at the seven pounds and eight ounces of pure bawling need who was Teddy, who was the newest and best thing they had ever seen.

Ted was right. Nothing could have prepared him for this. The wave of love crested over Remus' head and it was the single greatest moment of his life.

x-x

Teddy lay on Tonks, his little bare chest resting on hers. His wrinkled red fist curled its fingers near her collarbone and his half-closed grey eyes took in the strange and blurry world he had entered. Somehow he found the faces of his parents, seemed to know them and their voices as if by magic. Propped up against the pillows and with cheeks still flushed, Tonks looked up at Remus in disbelief, as if silently asking him if it was all really real, before gazing back down at Teddy. Remus lay beside her. He didn't think he'd ever be able to stop staring at them both. There was Tonks as he'd never seen her before, a mother; still a little shell-shocked, convinced she might accidentally tip Teddy off somehow, but tender, aglow, in love with the tiny person she'd carried inside her for nine months. And there was Teddy, with the tiniest of noses, the most perfect pair of miniature thumbs, the unmistakeable heart-shaped face of his mother. Remus' whole body felt sublimely light. A high soared from his tummy to his toes, made his eyes round with wonder and his face take on a dizzy grin that would surely last forever.

He was trying to memorise his son's features, not wanting to miss a second, when something began to change.

"His hair!" Remus said, blinking, reaching out to brush the fluffy strands which seemed to be lightening...purpling…

"They say metamorphmagi only spring from remarkable unions," said Andromeda, dabbing her eyes with a lace handkerchief.

Tonks laughed a croaky laugh - a sound that Remus found as perfect as Teddy's birth cries - and let her hair cascade down around them in a matching shade. "I never doubted it."

She slipped her finger into Teddy's palm and he closed his hand around it.

Remus kissed him softly on the forehead. "Wotcher, Teddy," he said, voice cracking "we are so...so happy that you're here."