Chapter 21: Love Songs

Tonks felt the wind in her bones as it lashed the house, buffeting the stone walls, whistling through the casements, harassing the trees until their branches struck the windows, as if seeking shelter. Maybe it was her disorientating new centre of gravity, or the pearly liquid her mother had bade her drink, or the distant, buzzing throb between her legs, but Tonks could have sworn the whole place was spinning; the house rising up from the forest and into a twister which kept them, unscathed and intact, inside its whirling shield.

She overcame her eyelids' heaviness and found focus. Teddy. My baby. My bold and beautiful boy.

A chunk of her heart, he was lying in the basket they'd hung from the side of their bed. His mouth was a pink bow. His cheeks were scattered with the prettiest little spots. His hair was a cloudy tuft of periwinkle. Tonks inched closer, placing her face on the basket's cotton edge. She didn't want to interrupt his dreaming, she just wanted to have a good stare. Look how far we've come, my little one.

He had been with her long before she'd known him as Teddy, with her when she'd sat on the dusty floor of a chicken coup and taken a punt on him, with her when despair sent her to her knees with a disapparition crack ringing in her ears, with her when she'd floated on still water in the light of the full moon. Her constant optimist, she'd wondered about him when he was smaller than a thumb; spoken to him when he became big enough to swim; felt the searing burn when his head touched air for the first time.

She breathed in the newborn smell of him and her nipples prickled, remembering the tugging sting of his first latch.

"He's quite perfect, isn't he?"

Tonks dragged her gaze away from Teddy to see Remus, rumpled in a chair, his watching eyes bright.

"Best thing since sliced bread," said Tonks, her own voice sounding faint though she smiled, "something my dad used to say."

"How are you feeling?"

"I'm a mum. How the hell did that happen?"

Remus came to her, sitting carefully on the edge of the bed and stroking her hair with hands that smelled pleasantly of soap. "I'm so proud of you."

I'm proud of me too. She'd done it, she'd come through the red hot corkscrew that had ground her insides; she'd pushed and pushed and gave it everything she had, even when it felt like Teddy would take her whole core out with him. Now she knew she could survive anything.

"What time is it?" She murmured, the pillow feeling like soft dough under her head.

"Just after nine. You should keep resting."

Tonks felt a soft kiss on her forehead and realised her eyes had closed of their own accord. Remus was right, of course. She needed to get some sleep before Teddy woke up, before the pain that dwelt somewhere beneath the potion haze lurched back with a vengeance - but that would mean letting him out of her sight. She began staring again, watching the micro movements of his baby chest as he breathed in and out. Her hand crept to her stomach before remembering that the habit had become outdated: though her bump was still enormous, it was empty.

That was when it sunk in: Teddy was no longer safe inside her. He was out in the world and it was a world full of enemies - powerful enemies, who would rather see her baby dead than let him breathe the same air as them. She'd die for Teddy if she had to, so would Remus, and her mother too. Teddy was their future, their flare of hope - but he needed more than an army of three. The sound of the twigs scratching the window was starting to set Tonks' teeth on edge. It made her think of fingernails.

"Dora?" Remus asked, looking away from Teddy and studying her face. "Are you alright?"

She found his wrist. "You've got to go to Harry."

"Go to Harry? What are you talking about?"

"You've got to tell him, to ask him to be godfather tonight. I'd bet a galleon he's still at Shell Cottage."

"I - I can't go to Shell Cottage now." Remus touched her forehead with the back of his hand. "I can't leave you and Teddy."

"You might not get another chance. Teddy and I will just be snoozing and Mum's only a shout away anyway. Go on, Teddy needs a godfather and Harry deserves a bit of good news. It will cheer him up, spur him on, Teddy's like a…a beacon! Harry's the one who brought you back to us. I want him to know."

"But…now? Are you sure?"

"Yes! Now go and give them something to smile about." Tonks gave him the best shove her exhausted arms could manage and he wobbled up from the bed. "It's donkeys since we all had something to celebrate. Go!"

Remus wrapped himself up in his travelling cloak and headed out into the tempest. By the time he returned - adorably tipsy, smelling of champagne bubbles, overjoyed to be reconciled with Harry - Tonks' superstitious fervour had waned, the challenge of feeding Teddy for the second time having pushed all else from her brain. After much trial, error, twinging discomfort, and various tips from Andromeda (Teddy made many impossible things ordinary - for one, Tonks had actually begun to listen to her mother's advice), she managed it, just as a windswept Remus appeared in the bedroom doorway. Both speechless, they could only beam at each other.

x-x

Teddy was a squishy-cheeked phenomenon.

Teddy's head smelled like heaven.

Teddy had wriggly little feet that she loved to put in her mouth.

Teddy had a heart that beat so happily against her skin.

Teddy's blue eyes followed her around the room.

Teddy was a milky-breathed, twinkle-toed parcel of perfection who lived on her like a glorious limpet.

That Teddy was also a total terror - a puce-faced dictator who treated her body like it was his to drain dry; a delicate squalling sponge of all her energy whose ceaseless demands sometimes made her feel completely fucking useless; a creature who could turn from sleeping cherub to shrieking demon as soon as she moved him from her arms to his basket - didn't contradict the fact that he was the best baby that had ever babied. Her love for him could terrify her, frazzle her, exhilarate her, soothe her, all in the space of a single hour; complicating and simplifying the world in equal measure. It was a hundred times more difficult (and a hundred times better) than she could ever have imagined.

There was one thing she had successfully imagined though: that Remus was a natural. No stranger to sleep deprivation, he looked as comfortable charming greenish poo smears off his clothes as he did taking a nap with Teddy on his open-shirted chest; as happy when Teddy's cries assailed his eardrums at three in the morning as when a contented, full-bellied Teddy slow blinked his way into slumber on a sunny afternoon. He had a talent for telling stories that carried both her and Teddy off to sleep. Some were Welsh folk tales he'd learnt from his mother, others Tonks suspected he made up as he went along. They were full of adventure, of far off blue mountains and sparkling sea horizons, populated by galloping stags and brave black-coated puppies. Teddy couldn't understand a word, of course, but he knew his dad's voice.

Remus celebrated every victory with her, however small. He comforted her whenever the strange sadnesses came. He even developed a new penchant for photography, taking picture after picture of their little family: Tonks with Teddy at her breast, holding up the V for victory; Teddy yawning gummily on a blanket amongst the clovers; Andromeda making unprecedentedly silly faces at Teddy.

The three of them adored their fourth, in all his newborn chaos. Tonks had never been someone who enjoyed being still but sometimes, like when she sat with Teddy on her lap, wedged between Remus and her mother on their old sofa, she simply had to savour the moment, to relish the triumph of it before the inevitable interruption.

"Dora, he's got your exact face shape, I'm certain of it - "

"No, no - those are my Ted's cheeks - "

"You're both mad. That bone structure is pure Remus."

Remus stretched out an arm and managed to capture them in a single photo: Andromeda smiling like she hadn't smiled in years, himself the only parent in history to have aged backwards, Tonks' long pink ringlets mingling with Teddy's fluffy turquoise spikes in a clashing colour burst.

x-x

Tonks slammed the bathroom door. The click of the lock made her shudder with satisfaction. Never, in her whole life, had she been so excited to have a shower. Cleaning charms just didn't cut the mustard after being splattered by six different bodily fluids in one day. She dragged off her baggy clothes, grateful for her skin's respite from Teddy's tiny hands, feet, mouth - however beloved they were - and then laughed at herself when she realised she missed him already.

Before switching on the water, Tonks tentatively explored her body's progress. Her stomach was still rounded - she'd tried morphing it but the sensation had been so unpleasant she'd stopped - and stretch marks blossomed at each hip like tiny white trees. Her breasts felt ginormous: though her nipples were still smarting from Teddy's last feed, the next one was fast approaching. Her vagina felt like it had been swapped with someone else's and brownish blood was smudged at the inner corners of her thighs. Remus said that every change was a tribute to what her body had achieved - but he didn't need to tell her that, Tonks knew it anyway.

She winked at the mirror and turned the water on hot. It was an exceedingly good shower.

Afterwards, Tonks crossed the hallway in a towel. When she passed over the point her water had broken two weeks earlier, she stopped short. Someone was singing.

"I never felt magic crazy as this."

The voice was low, husky, perfectly in tune. Goosebumps prickled pleasurably down her spine.

I never saw moons, knew the meaning of the sea.
I never held emotion in the palm of my hand
Or felt sweet breezes in the top of a tree"

Tonks pushed open the nursery door as softly as she could. Remus was sitting in the nursing chair, looking down at Teddy as he sang.

"But now you're here - "

He caught sight of her and blushed crimson.

"You can sing?"

"No! No, not at all! I was just..erm…"

"Since when can you sing?"

"I really can't."

"Yes, you can! That was lovely! Do it again."

Remus laughed and shook his head, looking back down at Teddy whose face was screwing up and relaxing in turn. "No…no…I just thought I'd give it a try but, alas, Teddy doesn't seem too impressed by my musical endeavours…"

"That's because he prefers heavy metal, obviously." Tonks perched on the side of the chair and flung her arm around his shoulders. "Do you take requests?"

Remus looked up at her. "Certainly not."

"Not even from me?"

"Especially not from you," he said, words fading into the kiss she gave him.

x-x

One morning, Tonks stepped out with Teddy in a sling across her body, lifting her feet high as she waded through the undergrowth, parting the tall white cow parsley until they reached the sun-speckled dell.

"Check it out, Teds. Pretty, huh?"

Her baby only gaped at her, too small to appreciate the haze of bluebells that had erupted around his grandad's grave. Tonks sat down carefully in the purple blur and started to tell Teddy about his namesake.

Later, after one of Teddy's many afternoon naps, Remus and Tonks took him to play in the nursery. They laid him on his tummy and dotted his knitted animal toys in a semicircle in front of him. Teddy liked to reach out and touch their soft wool. Tonks processed the lion back and forth, doing her best funny voice, making it canter up Remus' arms and over his head whilst Teddy watched with wide-eyed, silent curiosity. Sometimes Tonks couldn't wait for when he could smile, laugh, shout out silly words. Other times she wanted the clock to stop, for Teddy to stay exactly the same forever.

That evening, Andromeda cooked them a surprise three-course meal and whisked Teddy away to the attic for two precious hours. Remus and Tonks devoured the food before promptly passing out, slumped together on the sofa.

At bedtime, they took Teddy to his favourite place: the bath, their night-time salvation. Teddy rarely cried when bobbing in the warm water, having his ever-changing hair carefully stroked through whilst multicoloured bubbles rose around his splishing feet.

The early hours saw Tonks flicking through one of Mad Eye's offensive spell handbooks and munching on a sandwich as she nursed Teddy. She'd just reached Chapter Seven: Fire Jinxes, when a cog turned in her mind and her heart jumped to her throat.

"Bollocks!" She yelled, dropping the sandwich crusts. "Remus!"

He sat bolt upright in bed behind her. "What is it?"

"I've forgotten to - argh - sorry Teddy," Tonks brushed crumbs off a grizzling, unlatching Teddy, "shh, shh, I'm sorry."

"What's wrong? Is it Teddy?"

"No, it's you! Your wolfsbane! I should have started on it this afternoon! Oh crap…maybe there's still time…it's Tuesday today right?"

"Wednesday. But Dora - "

"Fuck," Tonks slapped her forehead. "How could I have forgotten? How could you have forgotten?"

"I didn't forget," Remus said softly.

"But…" Tonks tried to swivel her neck to look at him whilst attempting to get Teddy feeding again, "I don't understand…don't you want it?"

Remus swung his legs out from under the sheets and sat beside her. "Of course I do, but," he sighed, "we have ingredients enough only for one more full moon. This may sound peculiar, but…the thought of running out frightens me more than the thought of going without for the time being. Knowing it's there, just in case…it's a comfort to me…"

"We'll get more, I promise we will."

Remus kissed the curly side of her head and was quiet for a few moments. "We don't have the money."

"We do! We…" Tonks wracked her brains, trying to tot up the contents of her vault when she was sacked, what they'd spent since… "I've still got some dosh in the bank and, look, I know you'll hate this idea, but Mum would probably lend us - "

"It's too expensive," Remus interrupted her gently, "Mad Eye's life savings only bought enough for six full moons."

"Seven! There was that batch I had to tip down the sink, remember…"

Teddy's tight little fists were starting to relax: he was finally full. Tonks pulled her top back up and bent to kiss his hair - scarlet, to match hers - before looking back at Remus, who wore a melancholy smile. A lump formed in her throat. She knew he was right, but her heart pounded in protest.

"I'll be alright, my love."

"But you need that potion."

"Not as much as we all need to eat. Another seven months' worth would clear our resources out entirely and we have no means by which to replenish them. I can't justify spending every dwindling galleon we've got on wolfsbane when we don't know what the future might bring, what else we might need money for…what else Teddy might need money for…"

Tonks bit her lip and looked down at Teddy - sleeping again, oblivious to their trouble. She tried to rustle up some calm by counting his eyelashes, but in her mind's eye rose the cellar of blood, the sight of her own fingers deluged as she tried to staunch the mortal wound at his throat.

"You'll lose your mind again."

"Yes," said Remus, after another pause. "I will. But, apart from two blessed interludes, I've managed to endure it for thirty-four years. I've survived every full moon, even the very worst of them."

Tonks blinked at the ceiling. "The wolf won't kill you, I won't let it."

Remus kissed her shoulder. "Neither will I."

"I just…I didn't want you to have to go through it ever again…"

Remus brushed her tear away. "I know…but I'll withstand it. I'll withstand anything for you and Teddy. I'll never go back to the way I was. Wolfsbane or no wolfsbane, I'm still the happiest I've ever been in my whole life. You know that, don't you?"

She pressed her lips against his, nodding. He kissed her back, endlessly tender, his arms enveloping her. When the candle flickered out, they carried out the delicate operation of placing Teddy in his basket without waking him, and then sank into the sheets together. Tonks took hold of his face.

"Listen to me. When you walk down those stairs into that basement next week, I want you to think only of this: that we're your family, that we love you, that we're not and never will be scared of you - and that one day soon you'll be free. Free of all of it: the wolf mind, the war, the enemies who want us dead, all of it. You and me, we're going to win. Teddy's going to get the life he deserves. Got it?"

"I really do love you more every day, Dora Lupin-Tonks."

"Same." Tonks wriggled closer and buried her face in his shoulder. "It's getting ridiculous, really."

Though it wasn't long until she felt Remus drift off, sleep didn't come to Tonks. Just as she had on the night of Teddy's birth, she felt the chill of threat, the plaguing worry that things were slipping ever further from her control. It was so easy to get distracted by the sweet everyday, by naps and nappies, games and chores, but she could never let herself forget that they were still out there. Bellatrix who had murdered Sirius, and who might as well have murdered her dad, was still out there, swearing to turn her middle sister's branch of the family tree to ash. Greyback, responsible for the suffering Tonks had never been able to save Remus from, who had torn into Bill's skin as if it were only tissue paper, still maimed new victims every week. Voldemort, from whom everything spread, who had killed the greatest Auror of all time with ease, still ruled over the wretched country they called home.

Well, Tonks couldn't hide forever. And she refused to run.

She never expected motherhood to soften her and it hadn't. Her will was diamond strong. She would make sure that Teddy's life was better than the one that she, and Remus, and her mother, and Harry were living; better than the one that her dad, and Sirius, and all the others who had fallen had lived. She would not let her baby be burdened from birth. She would not let his life be punctured by the murder of his friends. She would make it so he never had to choose between death or a cage. She would tear down any society that tried to hate him for his blood.

She was his mum. She'd brought him into the world, so it was her duty to do whatever she could to make the world right for him, even if it meant a fight. Especially if it meant a fight.

Teddy started to cry and Remus stirred, but Tonks put a hand on her husband's chest to keep him down. The words she murmured as she soothed their baby were a vow.

"It's alright, Teddy, it's alright…I'm going to make everything alright…"

A/N: Song lyrics from Northern Sky by Nick Drake.