Summary:
Written for the XF 2020 Angst exchange. Mulder and Scully have a much-needed chance to explore what went wrong in their relationship during the years leading into the revival.
Notes: For Theatre_In_The_Dark.
Written for Kristin (Theatre_in_the_Dark) whose prompt was MSR Angst either from new relationship angst or even the breakup leading into the Revival. I love all the working out relationship angst that you know they had. THANK YOU SO MUCH TO JERI fragilevixen for being my beta for this monster fic! You got me through this!
Work Text:
2011
After everything that had happened with Father Joe's case, there was finally a sense of normalcy or whatever that meant to two people who had spent years chasing after conspiracies, lies, and uncovering the deepest of truths. Scully had successfully cured Christian Fearon after several rounds of stem cell therapy while Mulder had settled down to finally write the book Scully had been telling him to write all these years.
They celebrated Mulder's first real venture into the world after multiple years spent in isolation with a celebratory trip to the Bahamas where they even eloped. They grew into a steady routine over the following few years, with Scully working consistently at the hospital and Mulder working from home. He had even developed serious cooking skills, in between his routine of jogging, writing, and running errands.
All was right with the world... until it wasn't. Her shifts at the hospital became longer and rather than come home to a freshly cooked meal, she came home to Mulder locked inside his office and not joining her in bed until the wee morning hours.
"Mulder, come to bed," she had insisted, tired and weary from spending more than twenty-four hours at the hospital.
"Not yet, I have this new source, Scully. Someone who says we can stop it."
Scully sighed heavily. She knew what "it" was. The invasion. The end of the world. The bane of her existence.
"Not this again, Mulder-" her voice rose.
"I'm not the one who's changed," he pointed out once again.
She had lost so much to this cause and just when she had begun to finally accept their fate, determined to make the most of their remaining years, here he was, dragging her back into the darkness. Before she could respond, Mulder was out of his chair, grabbing his jacket from its resting place on the coat hanger before he nearly pushed past her small frame.
"Mulder, where are you going?" she demanded, a combination of frustration and worry bubbling to the surface.
"To find the truth."
Before she could respond, she was met with the slamming of the front door.
2013
As time went on, she practically lived at the hospital, pouring herself into her work as she often did those days. It was really all she had to live for, other than the occasional, awkward holidays with her family. Mulder had always been there until the past two Christmases, forcing her to deal with Bill and his pleasantry on her own. Not that she couldn't deal with her brother, but she found herself making excuses for Mulder's absence and why it was taking precedence over their family gatherings since he didn't have a "real job".
She tried to ignore it at first, to pass it off until she realized she was making excuses for him, one of the telltale signs of an unhealthy relationship. What hurt the most was when Bill brought up William.
"It's bad enough that you went into the FBI, got kidnapped, and later finding out you had cancer. Then you give up your only child, your son, to run off with the man! When, when is enough going to be enough, Dana?!"
Though her mother always rushed to her defense, she didn't really know how to respond. She never once faulted Mulder for the difficult sacrifice she had to make on both their behalf.
However, the very thing that made her fall in love with him, his determination, his stubbornness, and relentless pursuit of the truth was also what kept them desperately apart. Did she, on some level, resent him for everything that had happened? She honestly could not answer that question and its implication terrified her.
"I'm not the one who's changed."
"It's like you said, it's why we can't be together."
The words echoed eerily through her mind.
He was right.
Once the end date had come and passed, Mulder had been drinking, far more than usual. On the few days she decided to come home and grace him with her presence, beers and liquor bottles littered the coffee table by the couch. It was like walking on eggshells. She was afraid to talk to him without him becoming defensive and angry.
The last time she had suggested he see a therapist or consider medication, he had lost it and that's when she realized the inevitable, that perhaps there wasn't anything more she could do to save him from this downward spiral.
"Scully, I nearly died for the information at Mount Weather, for a date that has come and gone. Our life's work. You were forced to give up our son, forced to become a fugitive with me, and for what?"
There it was. The first mention of their son in years. It was something that, even over a decade later, with a hope that she had come to terms with the decision, the tears still came.
"Mulder, you once told me that all we had were choices we made, and at the end of the day, all we can hope is that we made the right one. Those were the choices I chose to make and still I want to believe I made the right ones."
All the sacrifice, all the pain between them was unrelenting.
Mulder hesitated as he took in the familiarity of his words. "And you once told me that I never gave up. It's why you followed me and why you would do it all over again," Scully couldn't help but hear the bitterness laced in his words. "Now I'm asking you again, Scully, twelve years later, knowing what you know now, would you?"
Scully opened her mouth to respond, but the truth was if she were completely honest with herself, she didn't know.
Drawing a shaky breath and every ounce of strength she could muster, she said, "I...I don't know."
2014
She had been on the proverbial bridge and had jumped off. Days and weeks went by as they hardly spoke. She thought about their last exchange and if she were completely honest with herself, maybe there was a part of her that resented him, even if it wasn't his fault.
Perhaps, there was even a part of him that resented her as well. Not a day went by that she questioned her decision to give William up for adoption and not a day went by that she didn't imagine what life might be like had he been with them now, from the very beginning. Logically, she knew life on the run was no life for a child, but now as she lay kneeling in front of the porcelain god, she wished things had turned out differently, that Mulder had gotten the chance to become the father she knew he so desperately wanted to be but would not verbalize. He was protecting her at the expense of himself, maybe that was the real issue all along. They were done dirty, dealt a shitty hand, and done so horribly wrong.
As she stood up, flushing the remaining contents of her lunch, she knew she had to buy a pregnancy test. It had been weeks since they made love, maybe even a few months, but who was counting? Not to mention she was almost fifty and pregnancy was next to impossible at this point, but with her menstrual cycles having been so irregular, the doctor in her knew she couldn't rule it out entirely.
A few hours later, after nearly fainting during surgery, she decided she needed to go home even if it was the last place she wanted to be. On the way back, she summoned up the courage to stop by the drugstore to pick up a simple pregnancy test. As she browsed the selection, she couldn't help but feel like a nervous teenager. It was ridiculous, she was pushing fifty for christ's sake. She quickly grabbed a few tests and paid for them, nearly running out of the store.
Her mind raced as she made the remaining thirty-minute trek home. When she opened the door, she couldn't help but note being face-to-face with a shut door leading into Mulder's office. Even if he moved his desk out, she thought, it would mean so much to her just to be able to see his face. With a heavy sigh, she dropped her belongings on the sofa and rushed up the stairs to the bathroom with the bag from the drugstore that contained the tests.
Once she was in the bathroom and was certain Mulder had not left his office, she locked the door and nearly ripped open one of the tests and with shaky hands, got to work. The minutes ticked by for what seemed like an eternity. If the results were positive, she knew she wanted the baby no matter what, but she also knew that it might make things even more complicated between her and Mulder with the way things were going now.
Babies did not fix damaged relationships. She knew that. At the same time, she felt that perhaps she did not deserve another child. Though she knew the adoption was the right choice at the time, part of her couldn't help but feel that she simply lacked the courage to stand by her son.
After drawing a deep, steady breath, Scully peered over at the tests on the bathroom counter. She felt her heart sink at the one digitized test that clearly read "Not pregnant" before moving on to see the single line on the next test. A sob bubbled up to the surface as she threw each and every one of the tests into the waste bin, her face in her palms as she began to cry. She should have been relieved with consideration to her age and future with Mulder hanging precariously in the balance, but at the same time, she really wanted another child.
Between her gut-wrenching cries, she thought perhaps she heard a door downstairs crack open, or maybe it was just wishful thinking.
The following days were a blur. She had been told by hospital administration that she was facing a demotion of sorts, that she would no longer be serving the hospital as a surgeon but would remain in a pediatric capacity, serving as an assistant to surgeons who performed surgeries on children with a genetic disease causing them to be born without ears called Microtia. While she was perplexed by the work, she was devastated. It was just another thing that went wrong with her life. Another superior that seemed to take satisfaction in pulling her work away from her. Everything that she had worked so hard for was in shambles. She and Mulder hadn't spoken in days and she suspected that he was up last night, out doing wild goose chases with god knows what. And during that moment, she had sworn she had never had more clarity in her life on what would come next.
When she returned home to the sight of empty beer and alcohol bottles and papers astray and Mulder's empty office, she finally allowed herself to lose composure, to come completely undone, to be completely vulnerable. Grabbing onto one of the empty bottles that just happened to be in the way of her foot, she hurled it toward the nearest wall, taking complete satisfaction in hearing the glass crunch against it. Then another… and another until her hand found a stack of papers, sending them astray everywhere. She cursed the unfairness of it all as she felt her blood coursing through her veins, her chest heavy as she gasped for breath. As she stared at the disheveled mess in front of her, everything slowly seemed to come back into focus. As Scully realized what she had done, the tears came flooding back and she sank to the floor, cries shrieking through the air, echoing into the atmosphere.
Several hours had passed, she was sure and Mulder still had not returned home as the sky began to darken. It was then, during another moment of clarity, that she began piling her clothes in suitcases before retrieving a pen and paper and writing on a single sheet of one of the stray papers, "I can't do this anymore. Continuing to follow you into the darkness has put a stranglehold on my existence. I'm sorry."
Time seemed to come to a screeching halt as Mulder arrived home, hours after dusk had settled. The days all seemed to blend in together. Perhaps it was all that time spent in isolation. Every day was the same, there was no concept of time. There was no longer any meaning, it was all the same.
Old habits die hard.
Powerlessness
My only of power
Hopelessness, my only hope
I see the girl
Up in the tower
But my hands can't grasp the rope
No, my hands can't grasp the rope
He knew almost immediately upon entering the quiet house that things would never be the same. It was a deep-rooted feeling in the pit of his gut he couldn't explain until he found the visible sheet of paper on the table where he could faintly make out the scrawl of Scully's handwriting.
Shit. Fuck. Fucking fuck. He fucked up and he was in too far deep to realize it.
He felt his stomach churn as he moved through the darkness of the house, catching a glimpse of shattered glass on his passage through. A picture of Scully and himself from their honeymoon retreat lay on the ground, it's glass cracked, fractured just like their relationship. Damaged beyond repair.
Unsaid undone
Unsaid unsung
You can call me names, but I won't come
Unsaid, unsung
Unsaid, undone
I'll just eat my words
And move on
As he made his way up the stairs and into their room, the evidence of her departure remained with drawers hanging open haphazardly from the dresser, empty. This wasn't real. 'Scully would never do this', he told himself. As if to validate those beliefs, he felt for his phone in his side pocket and navigated to his contact list from the home screen to find her number. When was the last time he had called her? He didn't remember and he used to know her number by heart.
He felt the room begin to spin around him as the call immediately went to voicemail, which only could mean two things. She was either declining the call or her phone was off. Both options carried intent and he knew it. He tried, again and again as the wetness of his eyes blurred his vision. Finally, on the tenth try, he cried into the voicemail.
Mediocrities
For hourly fees
Cuttin' down forests to save the trees
Trafficking sin
On idiot wind
Ripped us apart by degrees
Ripped us apart at the seams
"Scully, SCULLY," he panicked. "Please don't do this. I'm sorry. Forgive me. I can't lose you. PLEASE!" He choked as his throat constricted. "I'm sorry," he said again, his voice breaking as he heard the automated voice on the other end tell him he'd reached the maximum length of the voicemail.
Unsaid undone
Unsaid unsung
You can call me names, but I won't come
Unsaid, unsung
Unsaid, undone
I'll just eat my words
And move on
He sat there, not even realizing he never bothered to turn the lights on in what seemed like an eternity, before pulling himself up, realizing his last option. Reaching for his phone, which was at 5% battery life, he opened the contact list to the few numbers he saved and highlighted the desired one. He took a deep breath and waited as the phone rang, counting each one as if each ring could hold life in its hands. The sound of his heart thudding in his chest beginning to drown out everything else.
On a map of the world
He stands alone
With his dreams and his demons hic sunt dracones
Call him a monster
You can call him a sinner
Shake hands with the devil that dude's a winner
Set a place for the devil cause he's staying for dinner
"Hello?" the familiarity of Maggie Scully's voice pierced through the beacon of his heart. He was instantly alert again and fumbling for words.
"Mrs. Scully," he tried his best to sound himself as to not frighten the other Scully. "I...um, is Dana there? She won't answer her phone. I just want to talk to her."
There was a pause on the other end of the line, followed by hushed voices which immediately confirmed his suspicions.
"No, I'm sorry, Fox."
Mulder took a deep breath. "Look, I know she's there. I just…I need to talk to her."
He could imagine Margaret Scully on the other line, torn while Scully stood nearby refusing to get on the phone. There was a sigh on the other end and he remained hopeful.
"I'm sorry, Fox. I…I don't know what's happened between you and Dana. I wish… I wish I could do more to make things right between you," the older woman pleaded and he knew immediately she was torn.
Maggie Scully, aside from Skinner, had always been their advocate. She loved him like a son, he knew it and he couldn't imagine the position she was in, feeling as if she had to choose between her two children.
He closed his eyes, allowing the tears to come before trying to compose herself.
"Okay, look. Please… please tell her how sorry I am."
"I will. Take care of yourself, Fox. Please."
Unsaid undone
Unsaid unsung
You can call my name, but I won't come
Unsaid, unsung
I said, I'm done
Just eat my words
And move on
Yeah, just eat my words
And move on
Just eat my words
And move on
Without another word, Mulder ended the call, forcing himself upright and into the bathroom. It took every last ounce of restraint not to send his fist directly into the wall. He suspected that might come later. Logically, he knew grief came in many stages, and right now he was swallowed up in sadness and self-pity. Turning on the faucet in the bathroom, he splashed his face several times with water. Maybe this was just some horrible nightmare. There were days he asked himself if everything they had been through was just some horrible sick twisted dream. The joke was on him, right?
He sighed as he stared at the man looking back at him in the mirror. What he saw looking back at him was unrecognizable with his beard and overgrown hair. The light that once occupied his eyes had dimmed, sanity devolved him into nothing more than a madman, a man devoid of emotion. A shell of his former self. Maybe if he had just shaved off the beard as Scully had asked, or moved his desk into the living area, or washed his dishes when he was done.
He turned away, refusing to dwell on his image any longer, his gaze traveling the bathroom and settling on the trash, completely lost until something caught his eye. A tiny, pink, and white stick peeking out from the trash pile beside the toilet. He frowned as he bent to retrieve it, realizing almost immediately what it was he was looking at. A pregnancy test? He was suddenly overwhelmed with questions, unsure of where to start. Was Scully pregnant? Why would she have left? Did she think he didn't want another child? Was she keeping it from him?
As he examined the stick with the little lines he was unsure of what the result was. How the hell did those things work anyway? Scrambling through the trash, he managed to find another test, only this one was digital. Not pregnant, it read. He sighed, overwhelmed and confused. Did Scully want another baby? They rarely spoke about William and he was careful to spare her his feelings on the subject to avoid her any further guilt. Was that what this was all about? If so, why had she never verbalized that desire? Right, they were fugitives for years, and nevermind that the world was supposed to end in 2012.
With a sigh, he dropped the test back into the trash, losing all of his hopes and dreams right along with it.
2015
He hadn't seen Scully since that night for over a year. It was as if she packed up her life and moved on completely. Other than the occasional text to ask him how he was doing, if he was taking his meds or how his therapy was going, he never heard from her. He was certain, however, that she sent her mother to check up on him from time to time. About a week or so after Scully had left, he was surprised to see her mother at the door during his lowest of lows. Initially, while he was appreciative of the gesture, seeing the older Scully also hurt. It reminded him of what he couldn't have, that Scully wasn't coming back.
"Don't give up, Fox," she had said through tears. "I still believe you and Dana are meant to be together, even if that's not the plan God has for you right now," she said as she touched the chained crucifix around her neck. "You can't give up."
"That seems to be my life story," he quipped. For the first time in his life, he was skeptical. He had been given another chance once he was exonerated after the case with Father Joe and he blew it.
"She still loves you, you know."
"Then why did she leave?" he asked, trying to contain the bitterness laced in his voice.
"Sometimes loving someone means you have to let them go, Fox. You and Dana have survived so much more than most normal relationships could ever endure. I truly believe that someday, when the time is right, you'll find your way back to one another."
2016
One year soon became two as he learned that somewhere along the way Scully had moved out of her mother's and gotten her own apartment in Maryland. While she was no longer a surgeon, she assisted doctors who worked on children with a disease called Microtia. It kept her busy... busy enough. He knew very little about Scully's personal life and, perhaps, it was for the best. While he didn't hear from her often, her mother still occasionally stopped by, sending random text messages here and there on holidays.
It was difficult.
She was extending the olive branch, but he was hesitant to reciprocate. He knew that would ultimately only lead to him wanting more when she had clearly moved on. As much as he tried to hold onto Maggie Scully's words, he didn't want to get his hopes up. Though one thing remained clear to him, Scully was not seeing anyone else. He wasn't sure how to feel about that. On one hand, he was relieved, but on the other, she deserved happiness. She deserved the white picket fence, a husband, and a life free from darkness.
During each of Maggie's visits, he half expected the divorce papers to come, but they never did. Surely, she'd have wanted to make things official… legal. It was enigma just like Scully herself and yet, he didn't have the heart to reach out to her about it either.
For better or worse.
One day, Mulder had decided to make a change and got to work. Paper clippings were removed from the wall and he moved his desk out and into the living room. He hadn't realized until then how much the darkness had consumed him as the sunlight poured into the living room area, lighting up everything including his heart. Days on the calendar soon again became relevant, once again providing him with meaning to his life. His birthday, William's birthday, Scully's birthday. He wasn't sure what came over him when he sent her a message saying "Happy Birthday", but he was glad he did when he was rewarded with, "Thanks, Mulder. :)"
He wore a shit-eating grin as the idiocy of a simplistic text message had become the highlight of his life. The simple things, he had supposed. This is what it meant to progress but it still didn't seem real. He kept looking at it and imagined the voice right along with the words...right down to that wry smile she always offered.
He never did mention the pregnancy tests, though it was something that remained on his mind as he went through the photos in his desk, coming across one of William looking directly into the camera. Scully had the same one if he was not mistaken. Much had gotten left behind after her departure, including baby books and other things that remained in the attic. Neither of them had the heart to ever go through them as it would have involved reliving such painful memories they never wanted to revisit. It hadn't been easy, especially with so many of Scully's things remaining, but it gave him hope that she would one day return.
Unexpected was an understatement, to say the least when Scully had contacted him about helping Skinner with a case. Maybe, it was because he had disconnected his landline long ago and only gave out his phone number to a chosen few, including Scully.
If he were being 100% honest with himself, his interest in anything paranormal and X-Files related had dwindled the moment Scully left. It was practically nonexistent, especially when it came to this Tad O' Malley dude. The guy struck a nerve from the moment they met, political beliefs aside, but he was relieved that Scully saw right through his pompous, over-confident act.
Seeing her after all this time had been difficult and undeniably uncomfortable for them and every person around them. He couldn't help but make quips and hints to the fact that they were both married and that the very thing she was connecting with him on was the wedge that had driven them both so far apart to begin with.
"Put a stranglehold on your very existence, as you put it."
At the end of the day, it was what brought them both back together. For the first time in years, he felt as if he once again had a purpose in his life and whether that path involved Scully remained to be seen. As he waited in the Hoover Building garage, she couldn't help himself by writing Don't Give Up on the dusty windshield of her SUV.
It was difficult at first, but things seemed to settle into some semblance of normal. Scully still wasn't ready to come back to the house, but Mulder was just happy to see her again and, for the nostalgia of old times, see wherever it may lead. Each of their fears had resurfaced in regards to their son, seeing Agnes and the other test subjects in Dr. Goldman's care. He thought of the pregnancy tests he had found in the garbage and thought better of making mention of it. He'd had to move on long ago from thoughts of their son; thoughts of a family with Scully. That ship had sailed long ago.
He enjoyed this rhythmic dance he'd done with Scully all those years ago. It had been what he'd been yearning for, had been craving and it made him realize that he wasn't a thirty-something man anymore. He was in his fifties. Was this really how he wanted to continue spending his life? But without Scully, without their son, this was all he really had.
Being in a hotel room and seeing Scully clad in nothing but a long nightshirt, clearly comfortable in his presence, had started doing things to him. He knew that, if she was going to come back to him, she'd do it in her own time and on her own terms.
Patience, pet.
"The internet is not good for you, Mulder," Scully felt the need to remind him, despite the fact that he was so paranoid he was always checking his computer for bugs and leaving the data off on his phone.
As much as he enjoyed their work together, it was making him realize that something in his life was still missing.
"And I was foolish to believe... well, maybe I was just a fool, Scully."
Just when he thought they were finally making progress, another wrench was thrown their way. When Scully's mom had died, she did what she did best, she threw herself into her work to the point he worried for her well being. Everyone dealt with grief differently, but he knew not just from his years of studying psychology or dealing with profiling or casework, but also from experience.
He'd have been wrong if he didn't admit he enjoyed being the one to be there for her to confide in, just like old times. While Scully was busy figuring out how to solve her mother's quarter mystery, Mrs. Scully's words still echoed through his head. "When the time is right, you'll find your way back to one another." The way she looked at him and directed her last words at him made him certain that she was trying to help him build that bridge. "My son is named William, too."
Losing Mrs. Scully felt admittedly worse than losing his own mother and he didn't want her death to have been in vain. It pained him to think Scully's mother had had underlying health conditions that neither of them were aware of. Her mother, ever so selfless, was too focused on bringing her two children back together.
What he hadn't known before was that Margaret Scully was fighting her own battles all this time and it became apparent when she sought closure with her youngest son, Charlie. It was the same closure both he and Scully sought for William, though they had been afraid to seek him out all of these years for his own safety and now he knew it was one of the driving forces of their separation. They needed to have closure in order to be able to move on, for both their sakes and he realized now that that had been Maggie's intent all along.
"I know now why Mom asked for Charlie, even though he was out of her life. She wanted to know before she left that he'd be okay. She gave birth to him. She made him. He's her responsibility. And that's why she said what she said to us. She wanted to make sure that we'd be responsible to know that William's okay. Even though we can't see him. I know that as parents, we made a difficult sacrifice to keep him safe. That it was for his own good to put him up for adoption. But I can't help but think of him, Fox. I can't help it. I believe that you will find all of your answers. You will find the answers to the biggest mysteries, and I will be there when you do. But my mysteries... I'll never have answered. I won't know if he thinks of me, too, or if he's ever been afraid and wished that I was there. Does he doubt himself because we left him? What questions does he have of me? The same that I have with this quarter? And I want to believe… I need to believe that we didn't treat him like trash."
There were no words that would effectively console her, he knew that. Until now, their son had remained this unspoken taboo between them, but it was a starting point for both of them, a path toward acceptance and healing. All he knew was that he would ensure she got the closure she deserved, for both their sakes. Without it, they couldn't move forward.
That night, Scully had surprised Mulder by asking to come to the house. Though he'd never been inside her apartment, he always made a point to drop her off at the front gate leading to her apartment whenever they were carpooling together. Slowly, she was allowing herself to be completely vulnerable with him. He only hoped that Maggie Scully could see the progress blossoming between them, wherever she was.
2017
Over the next few weeks, Scully's visits to the house became more frequent, especially on their days off. Seeing her pull up to the house and playfully chastise him about his mushroom trip would have previously brought out the defensiveness in him, but now he found it quite endearing. This was the Scully he knew and loved. To his shock, she eagerly accepted his hand as together, they walked down the stairs of the home they once shared. It brought a sense of nostalgia from when they first bought this home together. When they finally "got out of the car" and settled down to live a somewhat approaching normal life, as Scully once put it.
As they walked along the graveled path of the driveway, he relished the feel of her hand in his, ever so content.
"Maybe it ends where it began, by finding a common language again. Maybe that's God's will."
Suddenly he realized that she was speaking more than just about the case. Perhaps it was hyperbole? "How can we really know? He's absent from the stage."
"Well...maybe it's beyond words. Maybe we should do like the prophets and...open our hearts and truly listen."
Where he was hearing the blaring trumpets, he was unsure, but one thing was clear, it was meant for him. A few moments passed before he felt Scully release her grip on his hands before enveloping him in a tight hug. She sighed as she leaned against his chest.
"You're really enjoying this, aren't you, Scully?"
2018
Just when he thought they were making considerable progress, the powers that be were determined to make his life a living hell each time he reached a degree of happiness. They had the proverbial rug ripped right from under them. Scully had had a seizure.
Scully had been perfectly healthy all these years, despite everything that had been done to her. Not knowing the cause of her seizures made him feel powerless, something he had hoped he'd never have to feel again since their separation. Scully's relentless determination that something was wrong, that his life was somehow in danger, was what fueled his drive to see for himself if the smoking bastard was still alive.
"You're dying, Mulder, but I can't save you. The Smoking Man is behind it. You have to find him and stop him."
Her words were laced with a terror he couldn't describe. Had her life not been at stake, those words would have meant the world to him. The fact that, after everything they had been through, she couldn't bear the thought of losing him made his heartache. And he'd be damned if he'd lose her either, he'd travel to the ends of the earth to save her if he had to.
His fear for her safety was indescribable when he realized she had left the hospital only to get into an accident. The chain reaction began and sent her right back to the uncomfortable confines of a hospital bed. The Smoking Man, simulations, colonization of space. Finding William to achieve those objectives.
Scully refused to stay in the hospital any longer than she had to, much to Mulder's dismay, but to his relief, she agreed to come home with him. If he were being honest with himself, she had been spending much more time there than usual, even falling asleep together on the couch after spending hours looking over cases.
He had never realized how much he enjoyed the domestic bliss until Scully answered the landline he had plugged back in with an overly cheerful greeting of "Agent Mulder's residence". To be fair, she recited the address with a certain familiarity that made his heart jump.
"Married to the bureau," certainly made him smile.
The next few weeks were a whirlwind of events. They had made love for the first time in over three years, finding each other once again in their own, roundabout way. Reminiscing about times long past, uncovering the deepest of truths between one another and then finding their son, only to feel him slip through their fingers all over again. For the first time in years, they were both given the closure and clarity they both sought. Scully finally moved what was left of her personal belongings into their Unremarkable House after the long, overdue conversation in front of the prayer candles. They'd both determined things would be different this time.
"That's my leap of faith forward. And I'd like to do it together."
And together, they did.
William… Jackson knew that Scully had loved him and had given him up in hopes of giving him a chance at a better life. It was a life he wouldn't have gotten if he had been on the run with them instead. Finality gave Scully a glimpse of her boy once before and in these moments, Mulder had finally gotten to hold his son for the first time since he was perched between his parents, swaddled and brand new.
Jackson had known Scully was pregnant and had chosen to sacrifice himself so things could be different this time. Allowing Mulder to kill the cigarette sonofabitch for good. The loss was unbearable…inconceivable. Just as they thought they had finally gotten their son back, he had gone away like a shadow in the night. Though Scully had come to realize that they weren't able to be the parents they so wanted and desperately deserved to be. There was no going back, no changing it, and giving him up allowed him to lead a normal life with loving parents for as long as it was possible.
It hurt, speaking the words of truth, not because she didn't love her son, but from the fateful day she had given him up, he wasn't meant to be theirs. To him, she wasn't his mother, as much as she grieved and suffered his loss having birthed and nursed him, he had two other people who watched him speak his first words and take his first steps… all through adolescence. But knowing her sacrifice was enough to give her closure and she had to make Mulder see it as well.
"He wasn't meant to be," He wasn't meant to be ours.
Until now, Mulder hadn't allowed himself to grieve his son's loss, not even when he was presumed dead weeks before. He feared that without Jackson, he'd lose Scully. He had been the glue that kept him going after Scully had left. It was the knowledge that he still had a son out there he might find one day.
In the past, the smallest hint of a loss would probably have been enough to break them, but as Scully took his hand and guided it to her belly, he knew things would be different this time. They'd weather this storm together. At the end of the tunnel, the light broke through the darkness.
Scully was pregnant. It was impossible.
"It's more than impossible."
October 2018
Scully watched as the leaves of fall danced through the wind before coming to settle on the wooden floorboards beside her feet. Her hand rested on the swell of her belly, relishing the feel of the growing life inside. She had missed this part of pregnancy and was pleasantly surprised by an uneventful process, allowing both her and Mulder to experience approaching second-time parenthood to the fullest.
The creak of the screen door sounded beside her, drawing her out of her reverie. It was a welcome distraction.
"Everything okay, Scully?" Mulder was especially attentive, especially during the home stretch of her pregnancy.
He was adamant about being there, for every moment. She had to admit it was equally endearing as it was suffocating, but she loved nothing more than the feel of his hands pressed against her belly and the sound of his voice as he talked to their daughter in a hush, almost conspiratory tone. She had missed this so much while she was pregnant with William, that she was sure to savor every moment.
"Yeah, I just… as much as I'm ready to meet her, I'm going to miss this."
Mulder smiled as he sat beside her and she reached for his hand, placing it against the smooth fabric of her sweater, where she could feel the baby move.
"But there's something else?"
"I just, I wake up every day expecting this to be a dream."
Mulder chuckled as he leaned over, gently brushing her hair aside as he pressed a kiss against her temple. "Well, I can assure you, this is very real, Scully. The sleepless nights are coming."
"I know. You know, it might sound a bit silly, but I actually thought I might have been pregnant a few years back and I hadn't realized how much I had wanted it until then."
Mulder frowned, intertwining his fingers with hers. "I know, I...uh, I happened to find one of them, after you left. I didn't have the heart to ask you. I felt I didn't have the right."
Scully's eyes welled with tears. "It's okay, it…it wasn't her time yet, I guess. As much as I wish we were ten years younger, we're here now."
"AARP cards and all."
Scully laughed.
"She was meant to be, Scully. Whether she likes it or not, she's stuck with us."
"As long as she doesn't inherit your uncanny ability to eat specimens off the ground."
"It wouldn't be my child if she didn't, sad to say, Scully, but you'll still love her."
"Oh, I know it. I love her so much already, it hurts."
"She's going to be so spoiled, Scully."
Scully smiled, a wistful look across her face.
"I just want to ask you one thing and I want you to be perfectly honest with me."
"What is it, Mulder?"
"If you could do it all over again, would you?"
Scully smiled. A beat passed between them and Mulder's panic face was showing.
"Yes, I would."
Mulder breathed a sigh of relief. "Good, because you're stuck with me too," he chuckled as he leaned forward, moving his hands to bring Scully in for a kiss as if to seal their deal. They stayed there a moment before he pulled away.
"I love you, Mulder. I need you to know that you have me, forever."
"I love you, Scully. For better or worse."
END