TITLE - Do virgins taste better?
PAIRING(S) - Salazar Slytherin/?
RATING - PG-13
WARNINGS - crack!fic
NOTES: Believe it or not, this idea actually came from discussing the many wild and different pairings of Harry Potter with my roommate. Quite frankly, I think there's a lot of potential for Sorting Hat/Augusta Longbottom's hat, but my roommate wanted to see this one instead. In no way is this story supposed to be taken seriously!

"We have a problem."

In ye olden days of a thousand years ago, back when the foundation of Hogwarts had just been laid and the mortar was still wet, magic wasn't quite so much young and free as it was a rebelliously wild teenager that delighted in spreading mayhem and mischief wherever it went.

"You know how King Malcom the Third was dealing with that dragon?"

Rowena lifted her eyes from her fine needlepoint to where Godric stood in the faint light, his face filled with worried concern. "The one demanding virgin sacrifices?"

"Yes." Godric twisted the brim of his battered, pointy hat. "Apparently, King Malcom feels that a school of witchcraft and wizardry is more suited for dealing with demanding dragons than he is."

Rowena's face drained of all color, and Salazar slammed his hand against the table's surface, jostling the burning oil lamps. "Don't tell me that fool Muggle sent a dragon here, to a school of children?"

"Fine then, I won't, Sal. But you don't feel like getting eaten, try to avoid the east entrance."

Helga's hands flew to her breast. "What are we going to do?"

Godric pulled out a piece of parchment. "I have here my last will and testament-"

Helga squawked. "WHAT?"

"-I'm going to see if I can at least mortally wound the dragon tomorrow, but just in case I'm the one who gets mortally wounded, this will-"

"We cannot afford to lose you, Godric, not when you can get the pureblood and the Muggleborn alike to work together and certainly not when we aren't even sure such an endeavor will do nothing more than put you in a grave and annoy a big, hungry dragon." Salazar interrupted. "Although I have half a mind to send the dragon back to the Muggle king. I told you it was foolhardy to take in his son, no matter how talented a wizard Edmund might very well be. I told you that Muggleborns and their families were dangerous!"

"A little late to be regretting anything," Helga said. "Let us focus instead on successfully ridding ourselves of this dragon."

"A virgin will apparently do." The others stared at Rowena in shock. "We are at a school," she said pointedly.

"Don't you dare!" Helga cried. She whipped around to face Godric. "You'll give that dragon one of the children over my dead body!"

"That's the problem," Salazar replied. "If we don't produce a virgin there will be dead bodies. But you're right; it wouldn't do to give a student over to the dragon."

"What of an instructor?" Godric asked. He raised his hands in protest as the others turned to him in speculation. "I haven't been a virgin for years, so don't look at me."

"Helga and I have six children between the two of us," Rowena said. "And all the other teachers have children attending the school here."

As one, they turned to Salazar. "I never thought your vows of celibacy would become so handy!" Godric declared. "And you can talk to snakes, and dragons are rather snaky, don't you think? Besides, the dragon never did specify that it wanted a virgin maiden!"

Salazar glared coldly. "Have the heart to leave me my dignity before I'm sacrificed, Godric."

Godric didn't look the least bit contrite. "Right. Off to the eastern entrance, then!" He began to push and shove Salazar to the door with far too much enthusiasm and not enough regret.

"I demand that absolutely no one ever learns about this!"

"Oh, we'll think of something that won't breathe a word of your doomed demise!"

Salazar shook himself free and drew himself up with wounded dignity. "You'll be sorry," he warned them darkly before stalking off.

oOooOooOooOo

Twelve years later, the remaining three Founders learned that the dragon had been female, and she hadn't exactly eaten their old partner so much as had her admittedly evil way with him, when Salazar Slytherin's son was admitted to Hogwarts. The boy eagerly sought them out with a message from his father.

"And what would that be, dear?" Helga brightly asked the rather scaly-looking boy.

"Never tickle a sssleeping dragon!"

Godric blinked. "The physics alone boggles the mind."