It's all so clear.
Sharp. Defined. My head throbs from the sudden influx of what isn't even bright light. At yet it is practically blinding. It's an old lightbulb, I can see the glowing filaments dancing around, the rainbow within its golden-white glow. And then another color that I, currently, have no name for. Behind the light is the ceiling. Dark wood, each grain within it a deep cavern to be explored. Between the two, dust motes so visible I feel I could reach out and grab them. Dancing like tiny planets.
The shock of it all makes me gasp, the air rushing down my throat and filling my lungs. I can feel them expand, but not in thankful want – they weren't waiting for the air at all. It was just a reflex, an involuntary habit. Not an ounce of relief behind it. But I like it, and I like what does come with it. Tastes, smells. I can taste the dust, taste the water that leaks in from the window standing open to my right. I face it.
Warped wood surrounding a vine-covered glass – old glass, seeming to flow like water and refract rainbows through their membrane. And in the reflection, a familiar face. This is the cabin Charlie took me too. Where she taught me magic, where we encountered Jane for the first time. How long was I...?
I don't feel her hand until she squeezes mine. My body locks, expecting pain, or maybe just in surprise. She isn't cold, and her skin has a strange texture to it – stone-like, as I'd theorized from the very start. Still, my body reacts despite my mind instantly recognizing her hair in the window and the shape of her hand. Air hisses from my throat and my body turns on its toes. I'm pressed against the wall in less than a second, ready to lunge – overreacting.
Edythe watches me shift back to a stand just as quickly as I took a defensive pose, embarrassment making me open and close my mouth like a suffocating fish, unable to form words that wouldn't make me sound as stupid as I no doubt look.
She's moved, sitting on the small bed that operated as my own, arms and legs crossed. I'm thankful, she's letting me adjust to the light, to these sensations. Her face is a touch anxious, but such a face... I can make out just how ill she must have been when she died in the hollows of her eyes and the curve of her cheeks. And yet, her beauty has increased to a level I hadn't thought possible. From the way her eyes are full of wonder and knowledge to the softness in her lips.
I was absolutely blind as a human.
With my mind and body slowly adapting to one another, Edythe stands. She moves slowly toward me, flowing like water with her hand outstretched. I stare at her hand, even when it's within grasping distance.
"Beau?" She asks in a low, calm tone. But there's worry weaved within. Tension. My voice refuses to work, I'm still amazed as how clear, how vibrant her words are. Crystal clear, symphonious. "Beau?" She repeats. "I know it's a lot to take in, just..." she takes my hands in hers and squeezes them tightly. "Everything's fine, baby. You're okay."
Everything? I think back on the events that lead to this, blurred through the human visions of my memory. Jane. Charlie. Jesse. Watching, through the veil of humanity, as I gave myself over to Jane's venom to ensure that Jesse, the only true innocent in the room, wasn't lost to his family. I touch my shirt – not the one I was wearing in Phoenix, just a random blue shirt. My lip twitches and I smile as I state my truth.
"I'm a vampire..." I jolt back, hand wrapping around my throat. Was... was that me? I don't sound like that. Not that clear, not that deep. My voice doesn't ring out, isn't smooth. God, I didn't expect that at all.
"Took you long enough," Edythe laughs, her shoulders falling with relief. She still holds guilt in her face, sorrow in her eyes. But all I feel is happiness. Before I register my own movement, I'm hugging her, squeezing her until I hear a loud crack. "Beau! You can hurt me now!"
I let her drop.
"Oh my God, I am so sorry!" She laughs, fixing her spine. "Did... did Jesse make it?"
"Yeah. Clarice's theory was right." Edythe leans against the wall, arms crossed. "She was able to remove all the venom from Jesse, but he's been asleep since we got him. It's been three days." My stomach drops. He's in a coma... and it's my fault. This is all my fault. I look at Edythe, at the fresh darkness under her eyes, the blotchiness of her cheeks. I reach out and carefully hug her.
"I'm sorry... I shouldn't have lied; I shouldn't have left. I just... I'm sorry."
"Hey, you were worried about Charlie. I mean, Roland does want to tear you a new one, but Jasmine is mildly impressed at the little set-up you created. It took Alex about an hour to realize you'd vanished. It's all good now."
"What all happened? Everything is so muffled and blurry."
"We tracked you down just in time. Her had just bitten you when we tore her from your neck. We could see you start to change. Clarice, she wanted to stop you from changing. We were going to take Jesse in. But you said..."
"To save him instead. Right." I finish, looking at my hands. My skin, which was already pale, has a strange blue tint to it. I can see my veins in detail, can make out the texture of my skin. "Alex told the truth; I didn't really want to be a vampire. But if it means Jesse and Charlie are safe... Charlie!" I look around the room, taking in the familiar decorations. Crystals, books, plants, a workspace. "Edythe, what happened after I died?"
"We got your mom and Jesse to a hospital. They're both fine, Charlie had the quickest recovery. We got back to Forks while you were asleep. The pain from the internal damage to you was too much for your brain to handle awake." She deadpans for a moment. "She keeps arguing with your father over the phone, coming up with excuses as to why he can't see you."
My hand raises to my lips. "I can think of one good one."
"You'll need to hunt soon. We kept you on an IV, but we ran out of blood bags this morning. We can't exactly raid fresh blood from a hospital." Edythe glances out the window, to the twilight sky. "And you can't be around humans for a good long while. Not unless you want to hunt them."
"I mean, I do have a list..." She stares at me like I'm an idiot. "I take it my mom came up with a cover story."
"It's a decent enough lie...albeit, a fairly bullshit one. But it was good enough for your father, as far as I know. I've yet to meet this Rene, but from the sound of it, he is not at all a happy camper."
"So, what is the story? How did I get hurt, and why can't he see me?"
"You're down here because you and Charlie got into a fight about you leaving Forks over the summer, about how you didn't want to feel as trapped as Rene did before the divorce. And upon arriving in Phoenix, you fell down two flights of stairs and out a second story window. Alex uh ... Alex had a lot of fun creating the evidence."
We both laugh at the mental image. Edythe settles back on the bed, pulling her knees to her chest. She seems to be thinking something over, she's twirling lock of hair around her finger. I can see, now, the brown deep inside its rich red, can see the scar on her neck from where Clarice saved her a century ago. I go up to her and sit at her feet, gazing up at her like she is the sun, every inch of her face brilliant and brand new. We sit there for a while before she realizes I'm staring at her.
"So, um ..." her face flushes. "What do you remember?"
"I remember fighting Jane, how crumpled my mom looked. How scared Jesse was...and the pain. Everything else is just a big, black blob." Something akin to relief makes her entire body straighten up. "Can I ask you something?"
"Of course."
"What did you do to Jane? Was she hard to kill?"
"No, she was actually very easy. I think," she looks up in her head, lip curling, "that she got so used to fighting humans that she forgot how to take down even a single vampire. Once Clarice arrived with the others, she was history."
"... what about the video?"
"Clarice refused to let us watch it, but Alex stole it from her. Before any of us could ask, he destroyed it. I saw ... flashbacks in his mind. He remembers how he was changed, where he was as a human. He was only a little boy..." Her lips purse, a corner rising into a cruel grimace. "I wish we had taken more time with Jane. Made her pain last. Kept her head so she could live in misery."
"Her head would still be alive?"
"Vampire biology is a strange thing...we can eat, breathe, sleep. But we don't need to. You can live without a body, but you'll become stone. Or ... like stone. We can be frozen for centuries and not even realize it. Happened to the Romanians a few millennia ago." She mutters as if it's idle gossip, rolling her eyes into her skull.
"I suppose I'll learn all about it in the coming years." She nods slowly, sinking down so we're both on our knees. Her hand cups my cheek, my body ready to fill the chill of her skin. But instead, she feels almost warm. I lay my hand over hers and press my cheek to her palm. "I'm still your Beau."
"Still my Beau. Just a lot sturdier." She settles herself in my lap, curling up against my chest. I kiss the top of her head, letting myself just be there with her. Unbreathing, hearts barely beating. Forever stuck in time. But right now, I'd be content spending an eternity just laying with her.
That's when the thirst finally rises.
Like sandpaper is being torn up and down my esophagus, I can barely let out a cough. Edythe sits up straight, almost slapping herself on the forehead.
"Right... there are two options. We could find you a human, or an animal. Which would you...?"
"Animal." I state, making sure she can tell there's no room for a conversation. If I ever want to see my mother safely, I cannot get used to drinking humans. Too much of a risk. I rise, taking her with me, and go to the front door. Edythe clears her throat. "What?"
"You don't even know where to look or what to search for. I'll lead." I nod, opening the door so she can leave before me. I go to cross the threshold, but something catches the corner of my eye. With the wood of the cabin blocking out the glass, I can finally see myself.
Next to my memories, my reflection is almost impossibly handsome. Akin to Roland or Ezra. Fluid, even though still, with a flawlessly pale face and dark stubble. His hair is dark, with a kiss of red. His jaw is sharp, his cheekbones high. His lips finally fitting the shape of his face.
Then I see his – my – eyes. And recoil.
My back meets the doorframe, too quick to be seen, and fast enough to make a fresh crack in the wood. I stare at my own eyes, absently registering Edythe come up to me and lay her hand on my shoulder. These eyes could be seen in the dark, I'm sure of it.
"The eyes?" I whisper, my stomach churning. "Forever?"
"Just for a while. They're always the brightest when we're newborns. Give it a few months, six at the most. They'll darken just enough to seem brown at a distance. Like the rest of us." I nod, following her with the uneasy knowledge that my eyes are going to blaze like a forest fire.
"Months?" I rub the back of my neck, breathing in and out slowly. "Alright. I'll be fine," I tell myself. "It's just a few months." I go outside, not entirely ready for whatever new experiences await me.
It's pitch-black outside – a new moon, a cloudy sky, not a star to be seen – and yet... it's clear as day. Clearer. I can see the trees all around us, how they move ever so slightly in the wind. I can hear the creaking in their bark, the trickle of a creek somewhere in the distance, the roaring of the river toward La Push. I hear birds, so many birds. Sleeping squirrels and the occasional owl crying out in night. I circle around on my bare feet, taking everything in.
One look from Edythe tells me looked at me she remembers what it was like, her first time she saw the world with vampiric eyes. I hope I never forget this sensation.
"We're going to have to go deeper into the woods," she says, pointing away from all signs of civilization. "Just in case."
Right, a vampire at hunt loses all humanity. Can't risk meeting people while in that state. Not if I want to see Charlie again. "Understood."
A touch of surprise flashes across her features, but all I can focus on is the gnawing thirst in the back of my throat. I force it out of my mind, my eye twitching from the concentration.
"Follow me."
She whips into the forest quickly; my human self would never have seen it happen. But I can focus on her body, on her legs and their movement. See every step hit the ground. Then beyond the trees, whooping and hollering for me to follow.
"Really?!" I call after her.
Her laugh echoes through the forest. "It's easy, I promise!"
I don't really believe her. Still, I break into a run.
Running is not my forte. Never has been, especially after breaking my leg. The number of bruises I've earned just making my way across a flat surface is embarrassing in its own right. But this is different. Like I'm flying towards the trees, over the grass and the rocks. My feet go where I tell them to, which is absolutely remarkable. It's barely a moment before Edythe is within my sight, just a few yards ahead of me, beyond a fallen tree. I go to leap over it, my foot just short of clearing the log.
My face meets the ground at approximately 75 miles per hour.
Edythe is absolutely howling with laughter. I push myself to my knees, spitting out the dirt and rocks that have lodged themselves in my mouth. A good thing to note, I gag on a piece of grass, is that being a vampire doesn't instantly fix all my human flaws. Still got two left feet.
"Holy shit," I breathe, still shocked that I made it this far. That I ran that fast. Incredible. She crouches beside me, shaking her head. "We have to do that again, but maybe somewhere flat." Eyes narrowed, her face scrunches, examining me. "What is it?"
She sighs. "I don't understand. You're in a very good mood."
"Am I now allowed to be?"
"Most newborns can barely think from their thirst."
I swallow against the burn, hand raising to my throat once more. I think Clarice providing blood bags during my comatose state is what's kept it at bay. It's difficult to ignore, a smoldering ember that keeps getting stronger with every slow beat of my immortal heart. But if I focus on something important, I can ignore the pain.
For now.
"I'm doing my best to not focus on it. The blood that was given to me has helped. It is getting worse, but not unbearable." I clear my throat, trying to force it down. "What are we hunting?"
"Elk. I thought something easy for your first time . . ." She trails off when my eyes narrow at the word 'easy'. "They're a prey animal. Passive. An easy first target."
I nod, not exactly in the position or mood to argue. The more I'm aware of the burn, the bigger my desire to extinguish it. My mouth feels like a hot summer afternoon in Death Valley.
"Where?" I ask, scanning the trees impatiently. Now my thirst has all my attention, corrupting every other thought in my head. I can't get away from it. I want to focus on Edythe; on Jesse's recovery; on getting back to Charlie, even for a visit. On figuring out the rest of my life. But my need for blood... I can hear my own rushing through my ears, even if it's slow. My eyes hone in on everything that moves.
Edythe lays her hand on my shoulders, keeping me on my knees. "Close your eyes, and listen." I obey, feeling her hands caress my cheekbones. "Breathe slowly. What do you hear?"
Everything. Her perfect voice, her breath, her lips at my ear. Birds, preening and flittering their wings, their rapid heartbeats and how they cause the leaves to scrape together. Ants, clicking along the forest floor. But she doesn't care about that, and neither do I. I force the air from my lungs and strain, seeking out... something. Anything that will lead me to my target.
The wind carries something musky on it, I turn towards it and lock in. Beyond the wind, whipping across the grass and through the trees is a creek, trickling over a rocky bed. A tongue lapping up the water. Multiple. And the thundering pound of hearts, heavy and pumping thick streams of blood...
I don't want to hold still, but she squeezes my shoulders to keep me from acting brash.
"Where, Beau?"
"Creek, to the northeast."
"Good!" Her voice is approving, her kiss on my cheek electric. "Wait for the breeze again, see if you can count them." The air whips around us, sending many new smells my way.
Mostly her. The strange honey-like scent of her skin. But also the rich, earthen smell of rot and moss, the sweet sap of evergreens, the warmth of the moon's beams and tree roots. The air shifts, bringing the clean scent of water, the human urge to drink it quickly beaten down by vampiric disinterest. A warm, tangy, rich smell hits me like a brick – my face scrounges in disgust.
"Fuck!"
She giggles. "It takes some getting used to."
"I can't... three?" I guess, not able to think from the grody odor in my lungs.
"Five. There are two more in the trees behind them."
I slowly breathe in and out, deciding what to do next. I take it in, and the scent slowly shifts from utterly unbearable to something almost alluring. The knowledge of what comes with it makes me salivate. The thought of the hot, wet blood streaming down my throat causes my hands to tremble.
My eyes snap open, and I rush into the wind.
I can see a buck in the distance – twelve points, Charlie would want a trophy. My instinct says to crouch, to sneak up on it. I shift with it, crouching behind a cluster of bushes, watching it and its companions' every move. My eyes and ears focus on its chest, its beating heart. The biggest male, my eyes linger on its throat, where it throbs at a pulse point. I eyeball the distance between us, surmising that one good leap, or four good steps, would close the gap. I step back, ready to strike, needing to.
Then a stronger sent reaches my nose from behind. Stronger. Exposed. Fresh. The saliva that was leaking from my lip becomes opalescent from venom, dripping onto my jeans. The thirst in my throat becomes violent, roaring for me to go for the new scent at whatever cost. I don't have a choice. I have to drink this. My body shifts into a run, cracking through the woods.
The scent ruled completely. I was single-minded as I traced it, aware only of the thirst and the smell that promised to quench it. The thirst got worse, so painful now that it confused all my other thoughts and began to remind me of the burn of venom in my veins.
90 meters left. I hear cursing, a voice muttering to themselves about pain and how they didn't pack a first aid kit. I'm vaguely aware of a presence closing in behind me. Competition? No!
75 meters. He has on khaki shorts and a polo; expensive hiking gear, but no first aid kit. He's in a clearing, his leg resting inside a creek as he considers tearing up his own shirt to create a bandage. Talking aloud, because there's no one to hear him. Or so he thinks. His only light source is his tent just a few steps away, and his cellphone.
The presence behind me is closer. I try to move faster, refusing to back down. I need his blood.
A hand grips my arm at about 50 meters, causing me to hesitate, to lose my footing. I slam into a tree, infuriated. A snarl, feral and pissed, tears from my throat as they roll me onto by back, my hands crackling painfully as something pushes through my fingers.
Edythe stares down at me in horror, eyes wide and locked in on my hands. On my... my claws. With the wind shifting wet earth and tree bark into my nose, making my thirst die down begrudgingly. I stare at her, realization clearing my thoughts.
I-I almost attacked Edythe...
"I-I have to get out of here." I spit out, using only the air in my lungs. She blinks in shock.
"Can you?"
"I-I don't..." My head snaps between her and the man. He starts back to his tent. My thirst rises, reminding me that I'm stronger than Edythe now. I look at her, panting. "I can't." I push her off me and race toward him. 45 meters.
30.
25.
10.
1.
Something grabs the back of my shirt and sends me flying backward, crashing into the trees. Away from my prize, my prey. I roar at the interloper, my brain refusing to see her face until she is screaming my name at the top of her lungs.
"BEAU!" The crack of a hand across my cheek, and reason floods back into me. I blink, looking up at Edythe. At the horror in her eyes, the panic in her face. The fresh tears racing down her cheeks. In her eyes, I see my face. Jaw opened back to the hinge; lion-like teeth bared at her. Eyes narrowed in anger. This... this can't be me. Can it?
I saw the monster Clarice feared as a child.
"Edythe..." I croak out, feeling my claws scratch the surface of the moss around me. "I never... I'm so..." She shushes me, caressing my cheek. I shake my head, covering my face with my hands. "How do you stand it?"
"It's painful, but...it's worth it. Come on, let's go back to the elk." She pulls me to my feet. Not even my thirst can match the shame squeezing my heart.
Even after my thirst is quenched, I feel sick. I lay on the bed, curled as tight as possible. I nearly killed someone, a stranger, some random man. Innocent, helpless. I wasn't me, I was someone else. Something else.
So, this is what it means to be a vampire...
"You know... you can yell at me, if you want. We're alone, and I wouldn't exactly blame you." Edythe is at the desk. She's been typing away at her laptop since we returned, likely conversing with Clarice over what happened today. I take in my first breath since we got here.
"I'm not going to yell at you. I'm sorry about today, I—"
"You're seriously apologizing to me right now?" She shuts the laptop with a light slam, groaning with frustration. "Beau, what happened today was my fault. I'm the one who didn't check for humans in the woods. I thought we'd be fine, I was wrong. Everything that happened today is my fault." She presses her forehead to the desk, arms draped over her head. "I did this to you... I got involved in your life, I put you in danger, and I am the reason you almost ate that man."
"Edythe, you've saved my life so many times. You can't blame yourself for something that I did."
She exhales, a touch of anger rising in her voice. "How can you...? You have to see this is my fault, right? I didn't save you. I took you from it. Your parents, our friends...if I hadn't involved you in my world—"
"I would have been crushed to death by a van. Split in half. Then you saved me in Port Angeles, delaying my end once more. If death was coming for me, then I would rather have died this way than as road pizza." I sit up, watching the back of her head. "Besides, now we have time."
"Time?"
"To get to know each other. If I'm stuck away from humans for at least a year, then we have this year to get to know each other better. Each other's ticks, tricks, and peeves. And you can help me become like you." I think for a moment. "Though don't introduce me to human selection for a good, long while. Don't want to risk what happened today again. I won't be like Jane; I won't risk my mother's life." She turns toward me, her arm draped over the back of the chair.
"You'll have to disappear, you know." She says, facing me but refusing to meet my eyes. "During your year adapting, at the absolute least. Newborns, they aren't trusted by older vampires. And the Volturi will already be investigating what happened in Phoenix."
"The Volturi can kiss my ass for what I care." I scoff, pushing my hair from my eyes. "If keeping my distance means I can, at least partially, be able to see my mother again, then I'll be content." Edythe shakes her head.
"Beau, we need to come up with some kind of death story for you. It'd be better if the human world just thinks you're dead. Charlie included." Now it's time for me to get frustrated.
"No! I absolutely refuse. She knows what you are, she damn well knows what I am by now. I'll stay away from her physically, but I will not abandon my mother. Not now, not ever. Not again." She jumps back, staring at me in shock. "I know it isn't smart." I say, rubbing my arms. "It's selfish, I'm selfish. But I abandoned her for years, and I've only had her back for a few months. The same amount of time I've known you, Edythe...I can't picture a life where my mom isn't there."
"...now you know how I feel about you. How it is to want a human in your life so badly, even when you're the biggest danger to them." Her words strike a chord. I nod, somberly. "And you're right, it isn't smart for you to keep contact with her. Eventually, we'll all have to move. Not like Charlie can keep acting like you're alive when you've completely vanished. It'll make her eventual death even harder on you."
"I'm starting to understand why Clarice picked people who were already legally dead." I mutter, knowing she can hear my smartass remark.
"All the same..." She opens the laptop and starts navigating the programs, "I can't deny you this. Not after everything we've been through together." The Skype dial tone rings through the cabin. I shoot to my feet, quickly replacing Edythe in the desk chair. The moment Charlie's face, bandaged and healing, appears in the screen, I can feel the weight rush off my shoulders.
"Mom!"
And we just talk. About everything and nothing. About how my first day as a vampire went – about my shame as I nearly killed that man. How Edythe saved me from myself, and slowly but surely, the conversation falls onto the elephants chilling in the corner of the room.
"How is Jesse doing?" I ask through the lump in my throat.
"He woke up about an hour ago. Clarice said his body is just fine, save the bite. The skin, it's not completely human anymore. But he's shown no signs of changing. Once he starts eating and is more coherent, we're going to talk to him about everything. His Aunt and her wife are headed down to help her understand better. I-I still don't know what we're going to tell his parents, but... we'll cross that bridge when we get there." Charlie hugs something to her chest... one of my shirts. "I'm sending a care package your way. As far as Forks knows, you're too injured to return to school. You'll be homeschooled for the next year."
"You're kidding? What, dying doesn't get me out of high school?"
"It would have if you stayed dead, hon..." Charlie laughs, the humor vacant. Her eyes are ringed in darkness and completely bloodshot, getting more irritated when she rubs one with her fist. "I uh... may need some time to adjust to this."
"Yeah, me too, Mom." I raise my hand to reach for her, remembering the screen at the last second. I lay it back on the desk. "But we will. We're Swans; it's what we do."
She smiles, her lips trembling. "I love you, Beaumont."
"I love you, Mom. Goodnight." She blows me a kiss and ends the call before the tears fall. God, I want to go home. I want to scoop my mother up in my arms and hold her forever. But my forever won't be with Charlie – she'll be part of it, though. I stand and turn to the bed.
Edythe is laying down by the time I get to her, and I offer her my arms. She opens her mouth, probably to remind me of how she's ruined my life, how she doesn't deserve affection. Until her lip starts quivering, her hands start shaking. I lay beside her, pulling her tight against my chest, letting her get as close as possible.
I lace my finger together in her hair, leaning against her forehead and listening to her faint, soft heartbeat. She hums softly to me. My lullaby, my song. In that moment, the pain of the past few weeks has vanished. There is no Jane, never any Jane. No threat to my life. Just Edythe, the knowledge that this amazing woman is by my side. That she picked me, out of any guy in the world. I tilt my head down and place soft kisses on her cheekbones and temple, until she's returning my kisses. Until our frequencies completely sync.