The right to be happy

Disclaimer: I don't own Chicago PD or any of the series characters.

Hello there… well, thank you for coming here to read my story. Please be gentle with me, I haven't written any fanfiction in probably eight years. But getting into Chicago PD over the last months and now watching the final of Season 4, I just felt I had to "fix" what the authors messed up with Linstead for myself, and it seems to me like many people here feel the same way.

Also, this is the first time ever that I write a story in English… so if there's any mistakes or odd phrasing, I'm sorry ;-)

Chapter 1

He felt his joints crack when he got up from the stairs to move around a little. He'd been sitting in front of the apartment building for almost two hours and it started to get slightly uncomfortable. But he didn't know when she'd be home from work and by no means did he want to risk missing her. Three weeks had passed since she had vanished from his life without a word, leaving nothing but a black hole where his heart used to be. The worst part about it was that he couldn't even blame her. If he hadn't been acting like the biggest fool in the universe, walking out on her when actually she would have had every right to kick him out of their home, she probably wouldn't have left Chicago head over heels, although he still didn't know exactly what happened.

He had been pacing around in front of the building for about another ten minutes when he finally saw her walking towards him, less then a block away. His heart skipped a beat, only to painfully contract when she got closer, not having noticed him yet. She was beautiful as ever, but he knew her way too well to miss the hollow, almost frozen expression on her face. Knowing that he was responsible for it almost killed him and made him want to run far away to protect her from ever being hurt by him again. But he knew that wasn't the right thing to do. He knew that he had to do everything in his power to make up for breaking the heart of the one person he loved more than anything in the world. And then it would be up to her to decide whether she still wanted him to be part of her life, even though she deserved much better.

He saw her digging in her purse, probably for the keys. It wasn't until she almost ran into him when she finally looked up to see why there was someone standing on the sidewalk, not moving an inch. At the sight of him her face instantly turned pale, her purse crashing on the ground. They had been staring at each other for what felt like a minute when she finally whispered his name in disbelieve, her voice cracking even at that one short word.

"Jay…"

"Erin… I… I'm sorry… I just…" He had so much to say to her, so many things he desperately wanted her to know, but now she was actually standing in front of him, he was at a complete loss of words.

"What are you doing here?" Her having found her voice again startled him, even though her whispered question was barely audible. The pain in her beautiful hazel eyes was almost more than he could take, but he owed her an answer, so he took a deep breath.

"Telling you that I'm the greatest asshole on this planet and that I know very well that I don't deserve you listening to what I have to say… but I'm asking you to do so anyways…"

She was still shaking her head in disbelieve, wondering if all of this actually happened of if she was asleep trapped in some really weird dream.

"How did you even find me?" He pulled up one eyebrow, not bothering to ask if she was serious. After all, they where both cops.

"Erin, please… can we go somewhere to talk? If you still decide you never want to see me or hear from me again afterwards, I'll respect that. But please give me a chance to explain why I hurt you, being the one person that never should have."

It took her forever to decide which one of the two voices inside of her she should listen to. One warned her to walk away from him as fast as she could, protecting herself from ever being hurt by him again, because she knew very well that he was the only person in the world who had the potential to really hurt her enough to destroy her. The other one desperately wished for her to throw herself right into his arms, finally feeling his warm, comforting embrace again, the only place where she'd ever truly felt safe and at home.

"Okay, let's go upstairs," she finally said, relieve washing over his face. He knelt down to pick up her purse, handing her the keys that had fallen out. It felt like 10,000 volts when she took them from him, even though their fingers barely touched. He followed her up the stairs to the front door and he noticed her hands were shaking when she unlocked it. The silence in the elevator was deafening, her staring at her feet, him shyly looking at her. He could see her discomfort and had to fight down the urge to wrap her up in his arms and never let her go again. It was to early for that, they had a long way to go.

When they entered her apartment, he stood in the hallway unsure of what to do, what to say. She got out of her jacket and walked up to the kitchen counter. "Want a beer?", she asked without looking at him. She still couldn't wrap her mind around the fact that he was here, in New York, in her apartment. The only man she ever truly loved, the only man she trusted with her heart and life, the only person in the world she had thought would never hurt her… and the man who had walked out on her without the slightest warning.

"Yeah… a beer would be nice." She took two bottles out of the fridge, opened them and handed him one before letting herself fall on the very end of the couch, still avoiding his gaze. He carefully took a seat on the other end of the couch, taking a sip of his beer before he started to talk.

"Erin… I'm so incredibly sorry… for everything… I don't even know where to start…"

"Why did you walk out on me?" She finally lifted her head, interrupting him with the one question that had constantly been on her mind since that night a few months ago, without a doubt the worst night of her life… and there had been many bad ones. The tears blinking in her beautiful hazel eyes felt like a knife stabbing into his heart as she went on. "I'm used to people leaving me. Pretty much everybody in my life left. You know how long it took me to finally trust you, to finally believe that you were the one person in my life that wouldn't leave me alone, that would stay by my side no matter what. And then you walked out on me when it should have been me to kick you out… but I didn't. Because even though you lying to me about your marriage hurt like hell, I love you and I wanted to make it work. I wanted to sort out everything together with you, as a couple. I wanted to be there for you, I tried to tell you that you could lean on me, that I could handle your issues… and you just left." By the time she had finished, tears were streaming down her face. She was too exhausted from suppressing her feelings for the last months to even bother that she broke down right in front of him.

He reached out for her, hesitating because he didn't know if she would want him to touch her, but at the same time feeling he had to give her some kind of reassurance that he was right here with her. Something he should have done months ago… so eventually he carefully took her left hand in his right and squeezed it softly. To his great surprise, she didn't pull back.

"Erin, you're one hundred percent right with everything you say. And I can only beg you to believe that I know I am the most self-centered, ignorant idiot out there. I honestly don't know why I kept my previous marriage a secret. I guess I just missed the right moment to tell you… which is a lame excuse because I know I could have trusted you about it at any time of our partnership or relationship. Keeping it from you was a mistake, and I'm really sorry for that. But I also know that was nothing compared to walking out on you. At that time, I had reasons to do so, but looking back they sound nothing but stupid in my own ears. I remember accusing you of being a commitment phobic a long time ago. Turns out I'm the one with commitment issues. You tried and worked it out, you were able to open up to me about your past, you trusted me even though you didn't really trust anybody… but when it was my turn to open up to you, to trust you that you could handle my issues, that we could handle them together… I had nothing better to do than to run away. If I could change anything in my past, it would be leaving you alone that night in your apartment. It was the biggest mistake I ever made, and deep down, I knew it way back then. But until now I didn't find the courage to ask you for forgiveness, knowing I didn't deserve it. I can't even put into words how sorry I am for hurting you like that, for leaving you when you hadn't done anything wrong. I should have been the one person to never hurt you, but I failed. They told us at the support group that people with PTSD tend to hurt those the most that they love the most. But I don't want to use that as an excuse. Everybody has the right to be happy, but I don't know anyone who deserves it as much as you do. And I know that after all that I've done it's way too much to ask… but if you decided to give me another chance, I promise you I would spend the rest of my life trying to make your beautiful eyes sparkle with happiness every single day. Because I love you more than anything in the world."

Tears had kept streaming down her face while she had been listening to his words, holding her breath for at least half of his speech. The honesty in his crystal blue eyes went right through to her soul. Even though her head was warning her not to give in that easily, she knew that her heart had forgiven him the moment she saw him standing in front of her apartment building, his eyes full of regret and – more importantly – love. Her body was shaking with sobs she couldn't control anymore and she held onto his hand as if she were holding on for dear life, wishing nothing more than for him to pull her into his arms. And despite their time apart, regardless of everything that had happened between them, he seemed to still be able to understand her without words being exchanged. When she finally felt his arms wrapping around her shivering body, she allowed herself to fall right into his warm embrace.

He hadn't been sure whether it was the right decision to pull her into his arms, but seeing her petite body shake with heart-wrenching sobs, he hadn't been able not to. Feeling her snuggle up to him, burying her head against his chest, he knew he had done the right thing. Even though he wasn't sure what was happening here, he pulled her close to him, trying to calm her by gently caressing her back. "Shhh… it's okay… I'm right here… I have you…". He didn't know for how long he had been cradling her in his arms when her sobs finally started to slowly subside and he felt her body relax against his.

She had been lying quietly in his arms for quite a while, her head resting against his chest, his heartbeat soothing her like no other sound in the world ever could. She had no idea where to go from here, but it this very moment, there was nowhere else she'd rather be.

"Come back to Chicago with me, Erin."