Let's Begin Again
A/N: This is my first ever fic and the idea came to me whilst indulging in a playlist complete with Taylor Swift and Sam Smith. Enjoy. X
1.
Morning runs had grown to be Pipers serenity; the quiet streets of New York City prior to the general hustle and bustle allowed her to gather her thoughts, clear her head or just allow her to think nothing at all. They provided her with a set routine that allowed her mornings to be set up thus preparing her for whatever the day had in store for her. Today proved to be no different; after silencing her 6:15am alarm she quietly arose from the bed she shared with fiancé Larry, careful not to wake him and continued to tip toe around the spacious room that made their bedroom. Having pulled on running shorts that acted as a second layer of skin they were so tight accompanied by a black vest top, Piper headed out.
Summer was coming to a close and the change in temperature was one Piper was yet to adjust to, the cool air nipped against her skin causing a sea of goose bumps to become prominent amongst her body. She didn't mind however, being able to witness the New York sunrise whilst the streets were basically deserted was an experience she cherished daily. Having moved into New York with Larry to escape the WASPy life style her demanding mother had in place for her, Piper could never get quite get her head around the ever present freedom New York had to offer; she was able to do as she pleased without Carol Chapman crying down her ear about how the early mornings were unnecessary when there was a gym around the corner; that women didn't seem to get the release running gave Piper, especially on the streets.
Her usual route lasted about an hour, but today she had decided to push herself thus it only took her 45 minutes making it roughly 7:10am when Piper arrived back in the apartment. This gave her enough time to shower before work; over the years Piper had floated from job to job. None had appealed to her enough for her to stick with, she was constantly looking for a feeling of euphoria or excitement and none of her positions seemed to satisfy that. She currently held a small job working for some big business man called Healy; she didn't mind him; once you got past the misogynistic personality, constant ignorance and occasional homophobic comment, he wasn't that bad. The pay was steady too.
Having just enough time to apply a thin layer of makeup and curl her hair so it rested loosely on her shoulders, Piper yelled a rushed 'goodbye, love you' to Larry before running for the Subway. She quickly sank into the rush that was NYC peak time; with headphones to accompany her usual journey to work, Piper decided the theme tune to today's journey would be RED by Taylor Swift. Various songs filled her ears; Begin Again, All Too Well; but it wasn't until one certain song came on did she feel her mood change. Treacherous had always been a song Piper would skip should it ever come on shuffle, it drew her mind back to memories she would rather forget; people she would rather forget. Memories of her former lover were ones that she couldn't escape lately, it was coming up to the anniversary of Diane Vause's death and it was a thought that filled Piper with a myriad of emotions; guilt, shame, regret, anger, sadness. The list seemed endless.
She wasn't left to dwell for too long as her stop soon approached and she once again embarked into the hustle and bustle of New York. The office is only about a 10 minute walk from the subway station, which Piper is today grateful for as a bulk of grey clouds envelope the city, waiting to put a literal dampener on everyone's day. Once through the grand welcoming doors, Piper headed straight to the staff room to get her usual morning fix of coffee and attempt to shake the bad mood that had suddenly engrossed her. She simply couldn't get Alex out of her mind lately. She found herself wondering how she was, where she was, was she still involved in the drug cartel? Had she moved on? All the uncertainty made Piper sick to her stomach.
She still couldn't bring herself to fully regret her decision to leave Alex in Paris; whilst her timing was completely shit, she knew if she didn't leave then she wouldn't find the willpower again. Piper was known for her selfish tendencies and that night was no different; however she felt it could be justified. Their relationship had grown toxic; it was nothing like it used to be. The love, spark, passion and happiness appeared to have evaporated only to be replaced by constant anger, fear, and sadness. Not to mention desperation. Piper was only 23 when she decided to leave Alex; 23 and had already experienced more any 70 year old would in a life time. However that meant the bad side of things too; she'd seen mules be simply kicked out the business for being a few minutes late for a delivery, people being killed for attempting to leave the business. Not to mention the constant need for Alex to pick up mules; that was one thing she hated. Watching the woman who claimed to love her aimlessly flirt with college students in order to get them to do her dirty work; that was the worst part of her business.
The subtle buzz of the staffroom greeted Piper like a warm welcome; there was just enough going on for her to slip under the radar and drink her coffee in peace, or so she thought. 'Chapman your face looks like a smacked ass, what's eatin' ya?' the voice bellowed across the room was easily recognisable as Big Boo's. 'Great' Piper thought to herself. She really ought to go over and make her presence known but she simply wasn't in the mood. Reluctantly walking over, Piper tried to force a smile on her face; one believable enough for her co-workers to think she simply wasn't awake yet.
'What's eatin' ya then Chapman?' questioned Boo as Piper sat down next to the newbie Daya. 'Oh nothing, just little sleep and little energy; you know how it goes' Piper tried to subtly sigh her annoyance at the unwanted conversation away; she knew she was in for a long day. Much to her luck, Healy soon strode in to address all the lingering colleagues about the happenings of today. Her day was planned as she expected; a few stock meetings here and there, constant emails and spreadsheets that needed attending. Nothing too out of the ordinary. 'Perhaps a mundane day is just what I need' the blonde thought as she situated herself at her computer desk, ready to answer all the strongly worded emails about how Healy's business has ripped yet another person off.
Mornings had never been her forte; the thought of waking up before eleven made her head hurt. Alex Vause enjoyed the simple pleasures in life; waking up late enough to avoid the chaotic morning routine of NYC yet being able to stay up late enough to enjoy all the adventure it had to offer. This is how she'd lived for years; the past seven to be exact. The sound of the now pounding rain against her window was what eventually caused her to stir and awake from another dream consisting of her ex-lover. She hated that she still couldn't bring herself to hate her for leaving her, let alone forget her. 'Ugh' was the first thought that entered Alex's brain as she gathered a recollection of the events from the night before. The stench of alcohol and stale cigarette smoke hung thick around her bedroom, whilst a trail of beer cans and whiskey bottle littered the floor all the way through to her living room. Alex had decided to throw another one of her legendary parties last night out of sheer boredom; she was an established artist, she had money to burn, friends left right and centre, not to mention a home big enough to house three small families – they were legendary for a reason.
'Vause, get the fuck up and help me make a start on clearing this place up' cried Nicky from down the hall. Nicky had been Alex's best friend since she picked her up as a mule; they ended up connecting over lost lovers and a shared love for heroin and had been best friends ever since. 'I am not doing anything until you bring me a coffee you son of a bitch'. 'Fine, but this means you're cleaning the bathroom, I ain't going anywhere near that place!' Alex couldn't help but laugh; her and Nicky had been through quite a lot together but could still act like nothing had ever happened.
One cup of coffee, two packets of bacon and a whole lot of dry heaving later, Alex's home finally looked civilised again. Nothing major had been broken; she knew better than to leave masterpieces lying around – all her good artwork she'd go on to sell for thousands and thousands of dollars were kept in storage, far far away from the herds of drunken strangers that somehow always ended up in Alex's parties. She always appeared to be one step ahead of everyone else, and she liked it that way.
Alex and Nicky lazed around Alex's home for the majority of the day; too exhausted to do much else. Around 4pm Nicky's phone buzzed, she felt her heart twang at the sender;
From: Red
Where are you? Staying out without any word of warning again? Two strikes Nicky; Russians don't play baseball.
'Shit' was all Nicky could think. She was so thankful Red had taken her in when she needed somewhere to go and she was always careful not to get on her bad side, knowing she could quite easily dump her back to where she used to be.
To: Red
Sorry, I stayed out at Alex's last night. Won't happen again.
A few anxious minutes passed before Nicky's phone buzzed again;
From: Red
You bet it won't. Just a little message knowing you're alive is all I ask Nicky. Enjoy.
Nicky couldn't help but smile at that final text; Red had acted more of a mother to her than her biological mother, and as much as that hurt her, Nicky was just glad someone bothered about her existence.
8pm arrived and the pair of them were ravenous. 'Chinese?' Nicky asked with a knowing smirk. 'Chinese'. It had grown to be the pairs hangover tradition; spend all day lounging around watching reruns of Toddlers & Tiaras and Honey Boo Boo, then venture off to their favourite Chinese takeaway; Alex not being short of money meant their feasts were never anything close to disappointing. Tonight was no different; they ordered $50 worth of food between them before heading to a local liquor shop (because what better way to nurse an alcohol than with more alcohol, right?) and getting the biggest bottle of Jack Daniels they could fine. Equipped with dinner and beverages, they could head back to Alex's apartment to eat away their troubles. The rain continued to beat down across the roads as they walked, but neither of them cared; too engrossed in their current game of rating random girls they saw as they walked. Alex had a very specific taste whilst Nicky was eager to fuck anything with a pulse, and a vagina. 'Vause look there's a perfect 8!' Nicky eagerly exclaimed as she pointed to a girl hurriedly walking in an attempt to escape the rain. 'What?! No! Nicky, you really need to up your standards!' 'Vause, I do have standards, I'm just not ridiculously picky like some'. That snide comment make Alex smirk, she was kind of right. 'Seriously Vause, it's been what? Eight years? You really might want to think about not being so hung up over one girl and move the fuck on.' Nicky's approach of tough love really wasn't appreciated by Alex; she knew Piper was a sore subject. Her love life in general was a sore subject. Admittedly, she still wasn't able to move on from Piper. She'd had many flings but no one compared to Piper; kissing a random stranger just didn't feel right having felt her lips pressed to Pipers. She just couldn't bring herself to forgive and forget.
Once back in Alex's apartment, the pair scrambled to get the biggest servings of everything they'd ordered and dumped themselves in front of Alex's obnoxiously large living room TV; continuing to flick through the movie channels and see what they could engross themselves in, to no avail. 'Come on Vause, let's put a horror film on and scare ourselves shitless', 'Nicky, no. My house, my rules. No fucking horror films'. 'Pussy', to this comment Alex simply rolled her eyes. There was some truth behind it; the great Alex Vause, scared of horror films. It was quite pathetic really. Eventually, they settled on the third Harry Potter film and quietly fuelled their way through the mountain of Chinese food; never had the pair felt so content.
Today was not quite the mundane, easy day Piper had hoped for. Between screaming matches carried out by bickering colleagues, and all the bleak meetings she'd had to pretend to be interested in, not to mention the creepy guy with porn star moustache that attempted to hit on her at Starbucks; Piper Chapman was more than ready to go home. Having a lucky escape from the rain in the morning, the evening was quite the opposite; she was soaked through by the time she reached the Subway station. She was less then equipped with the mind frame to deal with the evening rush of New York; people all rushing around trying to go home to transition from their work lives to their home lives. Tonight she was one of those people more than ever. She just wanted her bed, a warm meal and for Larry to be willing to watch Mad Men with her.
She thankfully got all three. Having text Larry throughout the day with a running commentary of how seemingly awful her day was going, she arrived home to the scent of home cooked Lasagne, complete with a bottle of white wine and an eager Larry ready to relax after a busy day that is working for the New York Times. Walking into the kitchen meant Piper was greeted to her fiancé in that god awful pink apron with a women's body printed on the front of it; it was a house warming present from Piper's best friend Polly and her husband Pete. Piper still found the thing horrifically tacky however she'd never felt so happy to see the idiot wearing it. 'Hey Pipes, go change and this'll be ready in five. I'll bring it in, get the TV set up and we can watch Mad Men'. That sentence was music to Pipers ears. She was thankful for Larry, she really was. He was safe and he was sensible. He was everything Carol Chapman had ever wanted for her daughter, and with the arrival of Polly and Pete's son Finn, baby talk was hot amongst Piper, Polly and Carol. Piper however still wasn't sure if she was ready for the commitment a child brought, she'd much rather a dog, but that was a conversation for when she had the energy to form a coherent sentence.
Having changed into fleecy pyjamas bottoms and a loose t shirt complete with her face bare of makeup and her hair tied in a messy bun, Piper was more than ready to put today behind her. Larry soon came in with a tray complete with two plates of Lasagne and two glasses of wine. 'Cheer up Pipes, we can forget all about today and focus on tonight.' Piper smiled at this, whilst she understood the hidden meaning behind Larry's words, she was too preoccupied with the meal that was sitting in front of her.
Two hours had passed and the couple were full, and fully caught up with Madmen. She knew what was coming next but she was simply too content with the gentle buzz from the wine and the full feeling in her stomach to even think about sleeping with Larry tonight. 'Lar, I just need to go to bed. Thanks for tonight, I really do appreciate it and I'm lucky to have you, I love you' Piper said with a gentle kiss on his lips. She knew he was probably disappointed but she really didn't care.
She hated the way she still compared Larry to Alex. They'd been together for six years and still she yearned for Alex on her lips rather than him. She wanted to wake up and for Alex to be her big spoon, not Larry. Sure, she was happy with him; she loved him. Alas she wasn't in love with him. Not like she had been with Alex. Tomorrow was the anniversary of Diane's death and she wanted nothing more than to be Alex. She wanted to know she was okay, or that she was coping at least. She just wanted to be able to hold her ex-lover when she needed it most. She needed to make up for leaving when she did. She needed Alex.
The gentle and steady breathes coming from Larry indicated to Piper he'd fallen asleep; something she'd love to do more than anything now but her mind simply couldn't switch off. She couldn't stop thinking about that night that occurred eight years ago; eight years ago when the clock struck midnight since Piper had made one of the worst decisions of her life. She just wished there was some way she could see Alex, or even speak to her. Just let her know she was sorry, and she was there if Alex needed her at all. Piper tossed and turned that night, knowing sleep would only equate to nightmares of her and the girl that once meant everything to her.
4am and Alex still couldn't sleep, she couldn't do anything. Her and Nicky had gone through the entire bottle of Jacks and whilst she was passed out on the sofa, Alex couldn't switch her mind off. She needed to cry, throw things, scream; anything to stop today from happening. It had been eight years since her mum had died so unexpectedly and since Piper had left her. It wasn't fair, she thought, that the two women who meant everything to her had left her on the same day. She didn't know what to do or how to deal with the emotions that were currently surging through her.
Times like these she wishes she was still involved in the cartel, still involved with heroin. Boy what she would give to be able to shoot up one more time; she missed the bliss heroin brought. The way it managed to fog over everything she thought or felt. Right now she felt vulnerable and broken; weak. Alex hated feeling weak, her mother had raised her to be strong, independent. She had been like that for the majority of her life; but today she simply didn't have the will to fight, she needed time to allow her wounds to bleed. She sat in the living room flicking through the various teleshopping channels that were playing on a loop, the tick tock of the clock seemed to be engrained into her mind; it was all she could focus on. She couldn't help but notice how slow today was going. How slow today was going to go.
Fuck, I miss you Pipes. I miss you so much right now. I miss my mom. I miss her more than I can put into words. My chest is hurting so much; I feel empty and I feel everything all at once. How can I make this stop? I just want to ring my mom up and moan to her about how lonely I feel. I can't even do that.
Alex was certain she'd never felt loneliness quite like she was now; she didn't knew how to handle it. She rummaged through her liquor cabinet and found a half empty bottle of vodka. 'Close enough' she thought to herself as she wrote a note to Nicky for when she finally regained consciousness 'Today's the day. I need to be alone. Phone if it's urgent. X' before heading out the door. She didn't know where she was going but she'd managed to kill an hour and decided she may as well see the vulnerable side of New York City; this was her playground and she might as well see it for what it's worth. She'd missed experiencing how it felt to roam New York when she was more or less the only soul awake at this ungodly hour. She didn't know where she was headed, but she knew she just needed to walk.
It was half 5 in the morning before Piper eventually gave up trying to achieve the broken sleep she'd been sifting in and out of for the past 6 hours. She may as well take her morning run early, she thought to herself. Pulling on the familiar running attire and grabbing her headphones, she left a note for Larry and headed out. 'Couldn't sleep. Gone for a run. Love you. X'
With the bass pumping consistently through her earphones, Piper was willing herself to run as fast as she could. She felt terrible. Her thoughts were terrible. All she could think about was Alex's face when Piper was so hurriedly trying to leave. The thought of Alex pleading with her to stay in their hotel in Paris was burnt into Piper's memory like a nightmare. It was replaying over and over. All she wanted was to know how Alex was.
By the time Alex had made her way downtown, she was very much feeling the effects of all the alcohol she'd consumed. She was struggling to keep a straight vision let alone stand. She knew where she was going though. She was headed for Litchfield cemetery. She needed to sit with her mom for a few hours and pour her heart out to her. If she couldn't physically sit and have a conversation with her, this would have to do.
The half an hour walked ended up taking an hour in Alex's state. It took her a while to locate exactly where Diane's grave was; but then she remembered. Under the great oak tree. Diane had always had a significant tree in Central Park she would go to sit under and read when the weight of the world became too much for her, so Alex thought it only fitting to try and replicate that spot for her headstone. She fell down rather than sat down. Her emotions hit her like a continuous tidal wave. Suddenly she didn't have the strength to keep her tears back; she began to sob. Sob for her mother, for herself, for Piper. Why do my thoughts always lead back to that god awful woman? She doesn't deserve the energy it takes to cry over her. Why isn't she here? Why did she have to leave? Alex knew the likelihood of getting those answers was slim, and perhaps that's what crushed her most. She could vaguely guess the reasoning's for Piper's departure all those years ago, it wasn't hard to know Alex was hardly girlfriend of the century, yet she was still angry. Angry that Piper didn't just continue to fight. She knew she was being selfish but right now she really didn't care.
'Hey mom.' Alex began. She'd come this far. She was already emotionally exhausted. She may as well get it off her chest. 'I miss you, I miss you so much. I wish that I could just call you and tell you about everything that's bothering me; eight years later and I still haven't adjusted to the fact I can't do that. I just want to be able to call round with a bottle of wine and for us to laugh at our sorry selves.' Alex continued to pour her heart out to the inanimate headstone, knowing she wouldn't get an answer didn't hurt as much as she'd expected. It felt good to simply get it out of her system.
Piper took a detour; she needed to change her route up. She passed rows of shops that were yet to come to life that day. She passed various newspaper stands yet to receive the papers her fiancé had helped to construct. She passed many buildings; few with lights on. Piper sat down on a nearby bench to try and catch her breath. She didn't realise quite how hard she'd been pushing herself until she could feel her calf muscles cramping and her heart pounding.
She looked up at the building presented in front of her; of the hundreds of rooms she could see, about 10 had lights on. She wondered what was happening in those ten rooms for them to be awake at this time. Perhaps people were in the same position she was; unable to sleep under the weight of their mistakes. Perhaps people were doing exactly what she wished she could be doing right now; making love to the ones they care most for. Who knows.
After catching her breath, Piper got up and started walking at a brisk pace, feeling too delicate to embark on another sprint course right now. She didn't really know the area she'd wandered down, but she continued to walk. Soon enough she stumbled on a set of iron gates with the words 'Litchfield Cemetery' spelt out above them. She knew that cemetery for a reason. Then it clicked; Diane was buried in there. She remembered reading in the newspaper her service would be held here and headstone laid out here. She went in, in the hopes of finding exactly where that headstone was.
Piper had always loved Alex's mother. When Alex was engrossed in her work or simply too much to handle, Piper would call Diane just for a bit of normal conversation. They would talk about the latest movies or literature, or Diane would share embarrassing stories from Alex's childhood. She'd been an amazing friend to Piper, and she regretted not attending the funeral; however she knew that day would be tough enough for Alex without her presence.
Piper wandered for what felt like ages, she didn't like being in such a grim place whilst it was barely daylight. 'Yep, I've watched too many horror movies' she thought to herself. After searching for half an hour with no luck, Piper was headed out until she saw a grand oak tree in the distance. She knew Diane always sat beneath her beloved tree in Central Park when she needed a break and as to honour tradition, Piper headed over there to do the same, as her way of paying her respects.
It took her about 10 minutes to even come close to nearing the tree, that was when she caught a glimpse of someone up ahead. She felt it fitting to turn away and allow them time with whomever they were paying their respects to, but instincts willed her to continue ahead. The closer she got, the louder the person ahead cries became. Piper felt her heart freeze. She knew those cries; she knew that person. She didn't know what to do, she'd waited years to be reunited with her ex-lover, the women who meant everything to her, but not like this. She wanted their reunion to be somewhat romantic, cliché if you will. Not like this. It didn't stop Piper continuing forward.
By now, Alex could barely breathe from crying. Everything was coming down on her hard; she just wanted her mum to tell her it would be okay. She couldn't even have that anymore. She wanted to scream and cry aloud at how much she hated everything in the world right now. Her mum was a good woman, an amazing woman in fact. She didn't deserve to go the way she did. Life had a funny way of fucking the people who didn't deserve it over, she thought.
She knew she should try and head home but she was drunk and distraught. She needed to allow herself burn out. Only as she attempted to compose herself a little did she catch the outline of a figure of someone coming towards her. She ignored it. She figured it would just be Nicky, she knew what today was and it wasn't hard to figure out where Alex was going. She allowed herself to continue to sob and mourn for her mother. She thought time was meant to heal woes, not make them harder to bear.
Piper's heart was in her mouth. She continued to edge closer to the woman she now recognised to be Alex. She didn't know how this would end, or how she would react; she just knew Alex needed someone and she was finally there to be that person.
She finally stood about a meter away from Alex and remained silent. She didn't want to be the one to initiate conversation; she needed to know whether Alex would feel comfortable with her presence. Alex however, was a little preoccupied. She was clearly drunk and Piper was angry at her; angry at how shitty she was at dealing with these kinds of situations, but she pitied her. She needed someone. She needed Piper and right now Piper needed Alex.
Tired of being chicken, Piper sat down next to Alex; saying nothing she pulled her into an embrace. This is what she should have done eight years ago, she quietly thought to herself.
A/N: I hope you liked it! Please leave reviews and comments to let me know if I should continue this or not. X