Chapter 8: During

A/N: Enjoy!

Jack stared at the spot where Sam had just been standing, his hands uselessly hanging in the air in front of him. Giving them a reproachful glare, he let them drop to his sides suddenly very unsure of what he was supposed to do. He was once again viciously reminded of how quickly they had been stripped of their comfort beneath the ice last year and he couldn't help but feel like this was so much worse.

This time they could not hide behind Jonah or Thera or their working relationship per military ranks.

….

Sam nearly jumped out of her skin when her colonel rapped his knuckles sharply against the door.

"Carter. We need to talk."

Sam briefly considered turning the lock and just hiding out in the bathroom for the rest of the weekend. She had the toilet and the shower so as far as she was concerned she had the sweet end of the deal.

"Please." He added softly.

Rolling her eyes skyward and saying a silent prayer to whoever was listening, Sam took a deep breath and steeled herself. It wasn't until after she had opened the door and stepped back into the room that she wondered if she should have thrown her shirt and sweats back on. She numbly acknowledged that no amount of clothing was going to make her feel less vulnerable in this moment, but maybe they would have done something to steady her erratic heartbeat.

If she was honest, she knew this conversation was where the entire weekend had been heading. She just didn't think it would happen so soon. She had imagined that maybe after too much champagne and dancing she would pull her colonel back to the hotel and…and well, pull another caveman act on him, she supposed…but then he would stop her and oh so softly tell her that all they had ever been over the last five years was all they could ever be.

Then he would push her gently into the bathroom and tell her to have a shower and they could talk about it if she felt up to it later. She would come out of the bathroom, eyes puffy and red from what she would say was the start of a hangover, but what she knew would really have been from crying alone in the shower. He would sit on the bed, his soft sweater pulled tight over his chest, and he would tell her that she had such a bright future in the chain of command and that the Stargate program needed her – needed them – at least for the foreseeable future. He would tell her that he didn't want to see her throw all of that potential away on him.

She would protest at that and he would shake his head sadly. He would try to make her believe that he would be here for her always, but that that it was time to move on. She would feel tears threatening again and he would smile at her sadly and touch the inside of her wrist. Then he would tell her that this was for the best, it had always been for the best, and they both needed to leave their feelings in the room again for the sake of their command and their planet.

She would insist that it wasn't fair, clutching desperately at any argument to make him understand. She didn't want to leave her feelings in the room – she hated the room. He would look away then, lost in the same frenetic memory that she was and then he would nod once and Sam would feel her heart soar –

And then he would tell her they didn't have a choice. Choiceless. SG-1 had to go on and they had to go on with it. He would call her by her given name to try and make her understand. And Sam's heart would break.

Sam stepped fully into the room, her eyes settling on the colonel. He was sitting at the edge of the bed with his elbows on his knees and his long fingers held loosely between them. Raising his eyes slowly to meet hers, Sam saw every fear she felt and every word they'd never said reflected there and she felt the dam start to break.

"Please don't." Her head shook from side to side of its own accord, the bangs which she had worked so hard to smooth behind her ear falling loose across her cheek and forehead. Her words were more of a sigh ending on a bitter exhalation, but she didn't cry. Not yet. She was cavernous; dry and bereft – feeling a loss that she hadn't ever actually had a right to claim.

"Sam." He shifted on the bed, angling his body to make it clear that he wanted her to sit next to him. "Sit. Please." He tried not to make it an order.

Holding his gaze for another anxious beat, Sam finally nodded. If this was how it was going to be, at least she already knew what to expect. That didn't mean she wanted to hear it though.

Jack scrubbed a hand over his face. "This is not exactly how I planned to do this." He smiled self-deprecatingly at her and Sam averted her eyes. She didn't want to see the sympathy that would come next. "I—I don't even know where to start."

And he meant it. In his head, they were supposed to be returning from a romantic ceremony which would have inevitably led to shy looks between them and maybe even a few quiet laughs as they made their way back to the hotel to relax for a little bit. He would have made some joke that would have had his major laughing and then he would have taken her hands and caught her eyes, still bright with humor, and he would have told her what the general had told him. He would have said that it didn't have to change anything if she didn't want it to. And then, hopefully, she would have put him out of his misery and then they never would have actually made it to the reception.

But Jack knew what they said about the best laid plans.

"I don't either." Her response surprised him. Sam was looking at his hands, loosely folded between his knees, her expression unreadable and very far away. "I think five years is a very long time to act a certain way and say only certain things. It's hard to know…" Her jaw worked against whatever she had been about to say, but ultimately she fell silent.

"You're right." Jack watched her nod, for all the world looking like she was accepting some sort of defeat. "But they haven't been all bad." Jack's heart did a double tap in his chest when the most fleeting of smiles flashed across Sam's face. "In fact, some of it has been pretty good."

"Yeah. It has." Sam agreed, little moments flitting like a movie behind her eyes. Some of it had even been really, really good.

Sam wasn't surprised when his warm fingers gently rested on her wrist – she had after all imagined how this whole conversation was going to go just a few minutes ago. Turning fully to face him, Sam set her jaw and felt her resolve gathering in the pit of her stomach. The choice wasn't just hers and it wasn't just his, but they had been at a stalemate for so long and it was just so damn hard.

"I was going to ask you to go fishing this weekend," Jack started haltingly. "Because I think we need to talk. We've needed to talk for awhile, but it wasn't until…" He paused, swallowing when her gaze wavered. It was just for a second, but it was enough to almost make him lose his nerve. "I wanted to do this later, after the ceremony. I wanted this to be…" He trailed again, he wasn't saying this right.

"We're going to be late to the ceremony." She intoned, not really caring.

"I know." He ran a distracted hand through his hair and turned his body so that he was facing her. He mirrored her position, his left leg bending at the knee as he pulled it onto the bed, nearly touching her right knee, and he took both of her hands in his. Sam swallowed but didn't pull away even as the first tears threatened to fall.

"This is going to be public information next week, but the general and I discussed it before the medal ceremony today and I, well, I wanted to be the one to tell you before everyone else knows." He had been squeezing her fingers a little harder with every word, but Sam doubted if he knew it.

"Knows what? Are you leaving?" Now the tears did fall and she didn't even care. She didn't want him to go. Even though she had argued with imaginary-colonel about whether the SGC needed both of them on SG-1, she had never meant for it to be him who resigned.

Jack searched her eyes trying to understand why that, of all things, had been what caused her cry. "No."

Lids slipping closed against the onslaught of relief that singular word had brought, Sam took a deep, shuddering breath. As long as he wasn't leaving she could face whatever he was going to say. Probably.

Jack briefly debated telling her the whole story from the beginning: that there had been contingencies from the inception of the Stargate Program, that the stress and life expectancy for personnel involved in the SGC had come into question before she had ever stepped foot in that briefing room, that unprecedented missions had called for unorthodox considerations…but he knew that would all be in the memo.

By and large, the SGC's dispensation from the fraternization regulations was not a direct result of nor response to himself and his major. It was a decision that had been driven by years of death and deliberation; of sacrifice and solace. The only reason that Jack had even found out about the announcement ahead of time was due to SG-1's complete inability to get anything past General Hammond.

Of course, the seasoned general had seen right through them at every turn. He'd known Jack for most of the younger man's combat career, sometimes as a CO and sometimes only in passing, but known all the same. And he'd known Carter for most of her life, spending sporadic time with her through her formative years and always checking in when he was at the Academy. In fact, he'd been the one to recommend her for the Stargate Program and then again for SG-1.

So it made absolute sense when he pulled Jack into his office a couple of days ago and broke the news that nothing had to change, but something could if they wanted it to.

"Nothing has to change." Jack brushed his thumbs over Sam's knuckles. "But, listen Sam, and I mean this – I really think that things should. Change, I mean."

She watched his Adam's apple bob up and down as his throat worked to form words that were clearly taking a toll on him. Sam wished she could help him, take some of the cost, but she had absolutely no idea what he talking about. The thought wasn't enough to make her laugh, but it did help her push back any more tears.

She knew this was it, this was the moment that would change the rest of her life, and all she could do was stare at the man in front of her…and wait.

TBC