Just a random collection of Skulduggery Pleasant oneshots.

Valkyrie's about 16 in this one.


Hungry Teenager

As far as she was concerned, this was all Skulduggery's fault.

If he hadn't had woken her up at six in the morning, dragged her to the Sanctuary to collect files on missing kittens, then forced her to trudge through Roarhaven searching for said kittens because they were supposedly magical and were, as Skulduggery put it, "deadly weapons in the wrong hands", even though as far as Valkyrie was concerned they were just kittens, then making her do the same for magical puppies (yes, they exist, too), not stopping once all day so she could get something to eat; if Skulduggery didn't do all this, she would not be combing through Skulduggery's kitchen looking for even a scrap of food, muttering "food, food, food" over and over.

Skulduggery, now finished writing up the report on the kitten/puppy case, popped his head around the kitchen door.

"Uhhh... Valkyrie?"

"What!?" Came an angry reply.

"You do know that I'm a skeleton, right?"

Slowly, Valkyrie turned around and faced him, with a glare that would have reduced any normal person to ashes. Sadly, Skulduggery was far from normal.

"Skulduggery I hope for your sake that you're about to say something sensible because I am HUNGRY, and if you start speaking the nonsense you always do, I swear I will get the biggest dog you have ever seen, and I'm gonna let him loose in your room when you're meditating."

Skulduggery, for his part, didn't even seem fazed, and said, slightly amused, "Valkyrie, skeletons can't eat. I have no need for food, and you finished what little amount there was last week. The kitchen is empty..." He trailed off, noticing that Valkyrie was slowly inching closer, with a mega death glare across her face.

"Skulduggery," she said, deathly quiet, "you are gonna find me some food, and you are gonna do it NOW!" She screamed the last bit, causing Skulduggery to flinch back.

He quickly scrambled for some takeaway leaflets.

"What do you want? Pizza? Yes, that sounds nice, from Pizza Hut or Domino's? Margherita or Vegetable, or how about this Hot 'n' Spicy one? Any side dishes, chicken or something? The chips look nice. Oh! And how about ice cream for dessert? Mmhh, what pizza did you want again? Valkyrie? Uhhh... Val?"

Valkyrie was now dangerously close to Skulduggery's skull.

"SKULDUGGERY SHUT UP FOR A SECOND! RIGHT, GIVE ME THE PHONE!" Valkyrie yelled, having had enough of Skulduggery being helpful, deciding to take matters into her own hands. Skulduggery flinched back at her shrillness, and cowered in the corner of the kitchen.

Valkyrie punched the number for the local takeaway into the phone, with more ferocity than was needed.

"HELLO? I AM HUNGRY, GET ME A PIZZA NOW!" Yelled Valkyrie into the phone. Skulduggery instantly felt a stab of pity for this poor, innocent mortal, currently facing Valkyrie's wrath.

"I DON'T CARE WHICH ONE, JUST MAKE IT BIG AND MAKE IT FAST! WHAT? WHAT SORT OF A QUESTION IS THAT!? NO, I AM NOT ALLERGIC TO OLIVES, AND I DO NOT WANT CHIPS, I WANT A PIZZA, NOW!"

By this point, Valkyrie was screaming her hungry head off, and Skulduggery was slowly backing out of the room. However, he hadn't gotten far when Valkyrie jabbed a finger in his direction.

"YOU! Get back here, Skul, and sort out the boring details!" said Valkyrie, who had calmed down a bit, but probably out of hunger rather than compassion. Ha! Valkyrie being compassionate, that'll be the day! thought Skulduggery.

She threw the phone at Skulduggery, who quickly told the poor boy on the phone the house's address, whilst Valkyrie ran to the living room and stood by the window, watching intently for the delivery to arrive.

After 25 painstakingly tedious minutes, which consisted mainly of Valkyrie saying "pizza, pizza, pizza" over and over again, and Skulduggery telling her to be quiet, resulting in several pokes in the ribs, the pizza finally arrived.

The motorbike inched slowly into the driveway...

The guy turned it off...

Put on the stand...

Swung his leg over...

Took off his helmet...

Took out the pizza box...

Walked towards the front door...

Step...

Step...

Step...

Raised his hand to knock...

By this point, Valkyrie's face was pressed up against the glass, having gotten nearer with each second the stupid pizza boy wasted.

Skulduggery, seeing her desperation, walked to the door, activated his facade, and answered it before the guy knocked. He took the pizza, and threw a bunch of notes at him, muttering, "Keep the change or I'll never hear the end of it."

The pizza guy, who was the same one that had answered the phone to Valkyrie earlier, said, "Everything alright in there, mate? Only, a girl was getting quite agitated on the phone a while ago."

"Look in the window on your right, and you'll see what all the fuss was about," replied Skulduggery.

The pizza guy did so, and screamed, for in the window was Valkyrie's face pushed right up to the glass, watching his every move intently, like a predator. Her cheeks were red from all the screaming she was doing earlier, and were puffed out as they pressed against the window, her mouth open like a fish. Her eyes seemed to be saying, "Run, little boy, or I will eat you up!" She looked, for want of a better word, like a cannibal.

The pizza guy shot off down the path, and rode off on his motorbike as quick as possible, swerving left and right for a few seconds until he had calmed himself down.

Valkyrie, however, didn't bother with the whole 'calm' thing, and tore into the hallway, snatched the box out of Skulduggery's hand, ran back into the living room and dug into the contents of the box. She shoved whole slices of pizza into her mouth, and when she was finished, she let out a contented burp.

Skulduggery, having witnessed this whole horror show, tilted his head in what looked like disgust. However, before he could say anything, Valkyrie said,

"Skulduggery you listen here before you say anything. You do not know how close I was to eating those kittens today, Skul, so I swear you better not make me starve again or next time I won't be able to help myself and will start eating whoever or whatever is involved in our case."

"Even if the case is to hunt Scapegrace?" Skulduggery asked doubtfully.

"Even then."

Skulduggery made a sound like he was retching, and darted out of the living room. Valkyrie sat back and sighed contentedly. Maybe it won't be so bad, actually, eating Scapegrace. Mmh, I'm sure zombies have at least some proteins...

And with that, she began to daydream...