Disclaimer - I don't own shit man.
"Dinner was delicious, Kushina." Shooting his wife an award winning smile, the Yondaime Hokage felt like he was on top of the world.
Being the leader of Konohagakure, he was extremely busy most days. Whether that be with paperwork, managing some random problem that sprouted up in the village, or dealing with other nations. Minato had little time to kick back and relax. Coming home and sharing a simple meal with his family was more than enough for him.
"Mhm!" His son made his own noise in agreement, shooting his mother a big thumbs up.
"Hehe, my two boys flatter me so much." Kushina reached over and pinched Naruto on his whiskered cheek. "You two wait right here, I'm going to get dessert ready." They both watched Kushina's long red hair sway as she happily left the dining room.
Minato closed his eyes and let out a pleasant sigh. He enjoyed peaceful moments like this. It was just him, his wife, and his son. Nothing could spoil his evening. Turning to face his pride and joy, he tried to match the cheery expression on his face. It was impossible, Naruto was an extremely happy child, and Minato would have it no other way.
"How're you doing with training, Naruto? I heard from Jiraiya-sensei that he's teaching you some more advanced chakra control exercises." At ten years old his son was learning at an amazing rate. Naruto wasn't exactly a prodigy like Kakashi or Fugaku's oldest son, but that mattered little. His son would be the strongest shinobi around, Minato just knew it.
"Great! Pervy Sage says some weird things, but he's a big help!" Naruto gladly disrespected the man who was known for his skill throughout the Elemental Nations.
"Weird things?" Minato was curious, and he'd soon regret it.
"Yeah… actually I have a question." Naruto scrunched up his nose and scratched at his whisker markings. It was a telltale sign for Minato that his son was struggling to figure something out.
"You can ask me anything." Minato was more than happy to help his struggling son. That was a fathers role after all.
Naruto appeared to struggle for a few more seconds before nodding thoughtfully to himself.
"Dad, what's a harem?"
Minato blinked owlishly at his sons face. Their dining room became silent as the two blonds watched each other. The only noise that could be faintly picked up was from Kushina's awful attempt at whistling while she readied her dessert.
"E… Excuse me?" Minato hoped his ears were playing tricks on him.
"What's a harem? Pervy Sage asked me if I wanted to be Hokage and when I said that I dunno, he told me to follow his dream instead." Naruto explained with a careless shrug.
Minato knew his teachers dream was pursuing peace between the nations, no matter how ridiculous that sounded. To hear that he passed along such a perverted dream to his son… 'Oh no… Kushina…' If his wife found out anything about this, she'd kill them.
"Dad? You there?" Minato blinked when his son reached over and poked him on the face. Grabbing his sons hand, he knew he had to turn on his 'serious dad mode'. He made the name up after Kushina accused him of being too easy on their son.
"Naruto… that is not something you should pursue. You should aim to be Hokage, that's far easier." It certainly was. He'd rather his son aim to be a leader than to go for obtaining multiple spouses. Harem's certainly existed in their world, but they were still rare. Only those like the feudal lords or some select groups took on the challenge of having a harem. It was not a path he wanted for his son.
"Wait!" Let it be known that Naruto was a boy who lived for the challenge. Early on in his training, he struggled his ass off. He sucked, plain and simple. However, he pushed through it. Even at such a young age, he wanted to crush everything that was deemed as too challenging. "Having a harem is harder than being Hokage?!"
Minato nodded weakly. Where was his son going with this…?
"That's it! I want one!" Standing up to point dramatically at his father, Naruto grinned wildly. He didn't get the exact answer he wanted, but that was fine!
"No… Naruto… please…"
"Oh? What's my baby boy screaming about?" Kushina strolled into the room carrying a steaming and delicious smelling pie.
Minato reacted before his son could, he wasn't known as the 'Yellow Flash' for nothing.
"Training! He's super excited about his training! I'm even thinking of teaching him the Rasengan soon!" Minato hurriedly told his wife. Naruto, who was about to yell that his father was lying, looked at him with stars in his eyes.
"No way! Really?!" His harem dream was forgotten… for the time being.
"Wow. I'm proud that he's doing so well, but really? Isn't he a little too young for the Rasengan?" Kushina didn't want their baby boy to harm himself with the technique.
"No! I think he'll be fine, haha! That pie smells delicious! Kushina, I love you!" Minato felt himself sweating. If Naruto even mentioned the word around Kushina, it was over. Everything was over. The Yondaime Hokage was finished.
"Okay… you weirdo. I love you too…" Looking at her husband strangely, Kushina decided to focus on serving the dessert she worked hard on.
"Mom, I have a new dream." Naruto told her excitedly, digging into his slice of pie recklessly.
"That's great! What is it?" Always one to support her son, Kushina leaned forward to listen intently.
Minato made hand motions out of Kushina's vision, essentially telling his son to be quiet. Naruto tiled his head in his father's direction, quickly confusing Kushina. Sparing a glance at her husband, she narrowed her eyes at his odd behavior.
"Minato? Is something wrong?" Kushina received multiple head shakes from the Hokage.
"Of course not. I just want Naruto to focus on this amazing pie rather than talking." Minato cringed at his awful lie and Kushina definitely didn't buy it.
"You're flaky, but you're not a good liar, ya know." Her insult made him hang his head in defeat.
"My dream is special. Dad said its harder than being a Hokage, so I'll definitely do it!" Naruto determined words only dug future Minato a bigger grave.
"Harder than becoming Hokage?" Kushina was rightfully confused. "Now I really want to know."
"Naruto! Keep it a secret. Wouldn't you want to surprise her when you… obtain it?" He wanted to die. Take him back to fighting Iwa or Kumo shinobi. Let him fight Madara. Minato didn't care who.
"Hmm?" Naruto closed his eyes, thinking deeply. "I don't even know much about it… whatever! You got it old man!"
"Alright." Kushina was no fool, they were hiding something. "Minato, it better not be dangerous. You know what'll happen to you if you make our son get into trouble." She let her threat hang there.
"Dad? Are you crying?" Naruto looked up from his dessert to see his weeping father.
"The pie… is so delicious…"
"You didn't even eat any yet."
"The smell alone is enough to make me cry. It's great."
"Mom's right… you are flaky."
Kushina gigged and Minato felt his soul leave his body.
He would definitely be the youngest Hokage to die during their service.
"I've called you all here today to discuss a matter of great importance." Minato sat up straight in his fine Hokage chair, the most comfortable seat in the village. His eyes were cold, his body language dangerous. Minato simply appeared to be built different.
"Does it have anything to do with our village, harming other villages, or working with enemies?" The rough sounding voice came from one Danzō Shimura. He stared blankly at his leader.
"Ah… no?"
"Then I am dismissing myself." With little fanfare, the older man wobbled out of the room on his cane.
"There he goes, off to do Danzō stuff." A young black haired man commented and adjusted the orange goggles around his neck. An Uchiha crest was proudly displayed on his back.
"What is Danzō stuff exactly?" Another young man with silver hair and one eye covered idly flipped the pages of a bright green book. It was a new edition from his favorite series, and he needed to catch up on it.
"He sits in that underground room of his and sulks that Minato became Hokage. How are you friends with him, Sarutobi-sensei?" Tall, loud, and perverted. The man was dressed to catch everyone's attention, which was awful for him when he decided to peep on women.
"Believe it or not, Danzō was quite the ladies' man in the past. He was always able to talk his way into some girls pants." Smoking peacefully on his pipe, the former Hokage responded to his once upon a time student.
"Enough!" Minato spoke with power, showing the room that he was the one in charge here. "Because of someone in this very room, I have a huge problem on my hands."
"Huh? Minato-sensei, I swear I did not use Kamui to enter those hot springs. That was just a lie and there is no way the Mizukage could prove it!" The lone Uchiha ignored the proud look sent his way from his one eyed friend.
"Obito, we are going to talk about that, but no. It wasn't you."
"Phew!"
"For a man to be nervous over peeping… you're no man at all. How that adorable Rin-chan deals with you, I'll never know." The tall white haired man was downright disgusted.
"Shut it, Jiraiya-sama. You're just jealous that I actually have a girlfriend and you're stuck with nothin'!" Obito smirked at the scandalized Jiraiya.
"Boy, you have no idea what I have. Tell him, Sarutobi-sensei."
"Hmm? Obito-kun is right." The Sandaime Hokage exposed his student.
"I hate you." Jiraiya's heart shattered. He thought his longtime teacher would stick up for him.
"I should be the one hating you, Jiraiya!" Minato shot up from his seat, slamming his palms on the rich mahogany desk in the Hokage office.
"I haven't seen Minato-sensei this upset since that rapper from Kumogakure made that "diss track" about him…" Obito whispered to his friend, causing him to turn a page in his book of smut.
"Meh. It doesn't have anything to do with us."
"Kakashi, you need a girlfriend."
"It took you ten years to ask one girl out, don't speak to me about relationships."
"Kakashi, Obito! Pay attention!" Minato shouted directly at them. Obito stiffened immediately and saluted his leader. Kakashi merely continued to read his porn.
"As I was saying… I should be the one hating you right now, Jiraiya." Minato focused his glare on the toad summoner.
"Why?! What the hell did I do this time?"
"You planted a seed in my sons head, a seed that will get me killed. In fact, it'll get us all killed!" Minato was being dramatic, but he needed to let them know the severity of the situation.
"What are you… oh wait." Jiraiya went from confused to happy in the span of two seconds. "Aha! So my little student is going to follow my dream."
"The Tsunade dream, the peace dream, or the impossible one?" Hiruzen questioned his student.
"They are all impossible." Obito's mumble made Kakashi chuckle.
"The impossible one! I told that boy to go get himself a harem!"
The office became silent, and Kakashi finally closed his book and gently placed it into his hip pouch. He couldn't risk damaging perfection. To be fair, you also needed a high IQ to understand the Icha Icha Series.
Then he clapped. Kakashi clapped until his hands hurt.
"Amazing, Jiraiya-sama."
"Thank you, thank you! I've had that dream since I was young and I needed to pass it onto a student. Minato just happened to marry the girl that stole his virginity, so that's a failure."
"Did she actually steal it? Did Minato-sensei not consent?" Obito gave his Hokage a pity filled stare.
"… I definitely hate all of you… besides maybe Hiruzen-sama-"
"It's a good dream. Different for sure, but good nonetheless." The retired Hokage stroked his chin thoughtfully.
"You're all terrible. Do you understand what Kushina will do when she finds out what our sons dream is?! He's ten!" Minato felt like he was going insane. His trusted council of shinobi betrayed him in a snap.
"Does my apprentice even know what a harem is?" Obito asked the defeated Hokage. Naruto is exactly like he was in the past, so he took the brat under his wing. He promised himself that he'd help the boy achieve whatever goals he set.
"No. I told him that it was easier to become Hokage… than to obtain a harem…" Minato lived in a state of regret.
"Oh no…" Obito hung his head.
"Yup, you messed up." Kakashi said a tiny prayer for his teacher.
"Minato-kun, you do know your son has a penchant for overcoming obstacles. Just yesterday I saw him finally get down water walking after days of failure." Hiruzen shook his head in disappointment. Not for Naruto, but for Minato. For a Hokage to mess up this much while speaking, it was shameful.
"But I… I just figured…" Minato weakly defended himself. Jiraiya walked up to him and laid a sympathetic hand on his shoulder.
"We will get through this. The kid will get his harem in the future, and you won't die."
"I don't want him to…"
"Gentlemen, I think we all need to go plan out how to explain this to Naruto. Now, he's much too young to get started on this harem dream of his but having knowledge for the future could help him." Jiraiya hasn't spoken this professionally since the last war.
"We must pass our knowledge on to the next generation of Konoha. I am in support of his future dream." The Sandaime was determined to protect and educate the future generations, it was the mission of any good Hokage.
"I already told the kid that I would help him with anything." Obito paid little attention to Minato banging his head into a wall. "I'm in."
"I have nothing better to do." Kakashi put the final nail in the coffin for the Yondaime Hokage. "So why not?"
'Why couldn't the Kyuubi break free? Why couldn't some alien woman devise a stupid plan for putting the world under a gigantic genjutsu? Why am I here… just to suffer?'
Minato got no sleep that night.
A/N - Lol so… don't take this story seriously. Please. It's going to be nonsensical and massively AU that I'm writing while under the influence of multiple alcoholic beverages. Don't drink kids.
It's not going to take away from me updating my other stories, so those people that say "b-b-but finish the others first!" Pls hush. It's fan fiction about ninjas doin cool shit, not something that requires me to meet deadlines. ARE YALL PAYIN ME?! Kidding, love you guys. Though I'm here for a good time not a long time, or however that saying goes.
No real combat here, no Naruto becoming an uber rinnegan using god who rewrites history. Just straight up bullshit. If that upsets anybody, bro there's like a million other Naruto stories, go read one.
Plus I wanted an excuse to write Obito without his magnificent simp abilities and Madara's plan… sorry Zetsu's plan… sorry Kaguya's plan… sorry there's even more alien people in Boruto? Oh they have plans… and a clone of Jiraiya… and… zzzzz
I'm sure at least one person will get triggered over this AN.
