Game of Thrones Tales: Lannister Family Values
Summary: In an alternative universe, King Robert calls on a different old friend and brother to assist him. But whose decency, kindness, and sense of honor, while a bit different from Ned Stark's is equally strong. But are the family values of House Addams a match for the ruthless Lannisters.
(A prequel to a longer tale I'm fooling with)
Prologue:
"Lannister Family Values…"
"They're creepy and they're kooky…Ruthless and slinky… (Family group of the adult Lannisters, and Joffrey at his mother's feet, all snapping fingers but Tyrion, who rolls eyes while Tywin glares at him).
They're altogether kinky…The Lannister family… (Joffrey sneering…)
Casterly Rock is a museum…When people come to see 'em. ("Come and lets have a look at my Hall of Heads taken from my enemies." Tywin offers.)
They really make guests scre..am…The Lannister family… (Screams, swords and axes coming down on heads…)
Da-da-da-da-da-dah-da-dah…Neat… (Shot of Jamie, throwing hair back…)
Da-da-da-da-da-dah-da-dah…Sweet…(Shot of Cersei, sneering…)
Da-da-da-da-da-dah-da-dah… Da-da-da-da-da-dah-da-dah…Da-da-da-da-da-dah-da-dah Petite…("Must you? Really?" Tyrion frowns…)
So get a witches shawl on…
A dragon you can crawl on
Tis time King Robert did deal with…
The Lannister Family….
In the North of Westeros, in the vast swamp no sane man would frequent, northeast of Winterfell, lies the ancestral home, Swampflood, of the House Addams…Its leader, Gomez Addams, fabled if somewhat insane warrior, financial wizard…(Some would say "wizard" without the financial…)…And true friend and brother to King Robert of the House Barftheron. Since the sack of Kings' Landing and the murder of the Targaryen children, like Robert's other but sadly recently poisoned at an otherwise very cheery feast of goodwill at Ser Walter Frey's Triplets, Edduard "Ned" Stark, Addams has preferred to keep away from court and devote himself to securing the upper North for the kingdom and more importantly to his family and his "hobbies".
(Cut to shot of a vast hall room in which we see several models of a self-propelled, steam-powered device, the engines each pulling a line of miniature carriages along small iron tracks through a huge model of the Kingdom. A typically novel and brilliant Addams invention which the King has yet to accept as a potential form of transportation. In part due to his Lannister relations' determination not to surrender their monopoly on the Kingdom's post service, maintained by Lannister horses at a colossal profit…And perhaps in part due to Gomez's penchant for wreaking said models in huge collisions.)
"Here they come, Pugsly, you want the plunger or the train controls?" Gomez to his eager son the noble if rather pale and pudgy Pugsly…But hey, swamplands, not exactly a place to breed a Jamie…
Though Jamie Lannister would have gladly traded his battle prowess for a fraction of the attention the rather unathletic if earnest in effort Pugsly was currently receiving...
And the affection bestowed by both parents.
"Controls! I'll crash them before you can blow the bridge!"
"We'll see…" fanatic light in Gomez' eyes…The fiery light of one born off Westeros in the isle of Corsica, noted for mad fanatics, insanely passionate lovers, and brutal and endless vendettas…In all three categories, Lord Gomez being well-favored.
Whistles and bells as all three models approach…A model bridge under which a tiny charge of firepowder, another Addams invention…Likewise dismissed as a crazy notion…Rests, awaiting a small spark from Gomez' personal invention, the lightening jug. In which he has managed to trap and briefly store small quantities of lightning, produced by rubbing certain objects together.
(Naturally yet another Addams invention dismissed as "crazy nonsense"…By all but one, a somewhat isolated and diminutive member of the Lannister family.)
"Hah, we'll smash!" Pugsly, adjusting a track control, diverting one of the trains to a heads-on collision with the others, just before the bridge.
"But not if I also blow up the junction!" Gomez, triumphant! Explosion rocks the hall…Plaster and timber fall.
"Lord Gomez…Lord Pugsly…" A slow very deep voice… "Uhhhhhhhhhhh." Slow, deep tone of disapproval.
"Yes, Lurch?" Lord Gomez rising out of the rubble…The whole model a gaping crater in the center of the room...Addressing the huge figure at the hall entrance observing the devastated room with a disapproving look, shaking head. "What's up? As you can see, there's a lot of the ceiling down. Pugsly?" he looks back to see Pugsly eagerly climbing out of a rubble pile.
"That was great, Dad!" Pugsly eagerly. "You got me that time!"
"A bit more explosive than I might have used but it got the job done, eh, son?!" eager beam.
"Lord Addams…Uhhhhhhhhhhh." The hulking, seven foot, rather green-skinned man sighed.
"Oh, yes. You have some urgent business for me? What is it, man? Ah, thank you, Thing." Gomez, turning to take a cloth offered from a hand emerging from a wooden box on a still intact massive marble side table and wiping soot from face.
"Lady Morticia wishes to see you at once…Uhhhhhhh…Raven from the capital. Uhhhhhhhh…"
"News from my ole buddy, Robert?" eager look. "Maybe he wants to hunt snark here again, like in the old days? Well, lets hope he's finally consented to let me run a full-scale rail line from here to Kings' Landing. I did offer to pay for it myself." Climbs out of rubble, wiping with cloth.
"Well, Pugsly, I'd better go see what your mother wants and you'd better call in the boys to help you and Lurch clean all this up before your mother sees it. I'll try to come and give a hand in a bit."
"It's really the King, Father?" Pugsly, eagerly curious. His striped tunic bulging a bit in the middle as he came to stand by his father. "He's not contacted you much in the last few years until Lord Stark died."
"That's what Lurch here says… Robert was pretty broken up by Ned's death…Like this room. Best to get to it, fellas. I'll let you know all about it later, son." Cheery pat on back.
….
"Now you die…!" call from above balcony as Lord Gomez leaves the room…Thwack of arrow in the wall next to where Pugsly looks up to see his sister, Lady Wednesday, in black tunic, black tightly braided hair pulled severely back, with crossbow, loading for a second shot.
"Uhhhhhh…My Lady…" Lurch, frowning, looking up. "Not in the Great Hall…Your mother has commanded it. Uhhhhhhhh." Shake of head. "You and your brother go play elsewhere…Uhhhhhh…Staff and I will clean up…"
"Lets go shoot at each other outside, Wed…After I give a hand here." Pugsly urged.
Wednesday frowning, narrow-eyed look, sighting her large target.
Well…
If Mom says no crossbowing in the Hall…
"I'll give you a hand. I want you dead by dinner." She called.
"You don't give a hand with such work. You're a girl." Pugsly insisted as he started picking up shattered bits of the model.
Grrrrrr…Wednesday's raging glare…She lept over the balcony railing and slid down a column to the floor.
"I can do anything you can and better, you toad!" she fumed.
"I wouldn't've missed." Pugsly insisted.
"Children…Uhhhhhhhhhhh…" Lurch, half-addressing them, half to himself in depressive reflection.
