Something that came into my head one fine evening. I know it could probably still use some improvement and description, but I had to get it out of my head. This takes place when you're trying to defend the Dwarves' crystal in the underworld. And after fighting Golbez with a dying Cecil and comically low-HP Rydia. I tore my hair out on that battle, I swear the DS version definitely turned the challenge up a notch. Anyway, in FF4, our heroes walk around and just randomly get into fights without talking to each other. The DS version at least improved the characters to the point of thinking solitary thoughts to themselves... but after Rydia shows up again, I can't help but think there should have been so many important conversations that needed to take place.

Also, the conversation below came out of my head, it doesn't follow game script, so please don't get too livid. Oh, and I changed something that I thought was hilariously stupid. Okay, please read and enjoy!

EDIT: this is version 5 of the first chapter. This fanfic mainly deals with Kain, my favorite character. A Kain and Rydia relationship can be inferred, but it's not the theme of this story.

I don't own Final Fantasy anything, if I did, I wouldn't be posting on here.


Ruminations

1: Kain

The green, wild hair. Green eyes. So familiar...

"Who is she, Cecil?" Kain asked, feeling like he should know this girl who had unexpectedly come in their darkest hour in their fight against Golbez. Golbez had drained each of their lives one by one, finding amusement in toying with their lives. It wasn't until Cecil was about to receive his turn that the girl with green hair saved him and through great difficulty, revived each of them.

"She is Rydia, of Myst."

"Really? The girl whose—"

"Yes, the very same," Cecil said, cutting Kain off.

"What happened to you, Rydia?" Yang asked.

"Leviathan took me to the Feymarch, the land where the Eidolons reside. There, time flows differently..."

"So that's why you look so much older now..." Rosa said, amazed.

"How did you know we were here?"

"The Queen of the Eidolons sensed a great evil that we must stand together and face. She directed me here, to aid in the battle against Golbez."

Within moments Rydia was engulfed in a large hug from Rosa. "I'm glad you're here, I'm so happy to see you again."

"And I, you! So it seems Cecil rescued you after all! What happened to Edward?" Rydia asked, looking from Cecil to Yang.

"We found Edward in Troia, Rydia. He's currently very sick, but I'm sure he would be extremely happy to see you when you get a chance to stop by!" Cecil said, smiling.

Everyone was all smiles, all cheers. All the while standing in front of Golbez's supposedly dead body. Kain found it really unsettling and uncomfortable. The girl did recognize him. He saw her glance at him in shock then harden for a second. She didn't need to ask who he was. He moved quietly behind the crowd toward Golbez, who lain face down.

You will pay for what you've done... ruining my life, my friends, my honor... putting me in this vile situation.

Kain resisted an urge to kick the still figure. He almost wished the man would rise again so he could personally kill him himself. Half of him couldn't believe that Golbez would die so easily. Kain continued to stand there, staring at the large black-clad figure with revulsion. He fingered his lance as he debated whether to give the monster a final stab.

Yes, he loved Rosa, and he hated Cecil for it. But Cecil was his best friend, and while Rosa loved him like a brother, her true love was reserved only for Cecil. He knew that. They all grew up as best friends, but in the end, it was either Cecil or him that was going to end up being only a friend...and he accepted the choice she effortlessly made... but the bitterness was always there, affecting his friendship with Cecil, who thankfully was too nice to notice any changes in his best friend. This bitterness... if only he had not been torn from Cecil during the earthquake at Myst... if only he didn't return to Baron castle... if only Golbez never came. Golbez saw his bitter weakness as if he wore it on his sleeve. Just like that. Just because he answered the summon of his king to meet Baron's new advisor...

"What's wrong, Kain?" Cecil asked, looking genuinely concerned as he walked over to him.

Kain shut his eyes, trying to quash the sudden stab of annoyance. When he opened them again, he took a deep sigh.

"I just can't believe someone as powerful as Golbez can die this easily."

Cecil looked down upon the still figure apprehensively. The others then noticed and walked over, realizing they had more or less forgotten about the enemy.

Now everyone had come over to disturb his thoughts and take a look at the monster. He wasn't too happy about it, but at the same time he did wonder how they could be so dumb as to not make sure the enemy was really dead. Vile creature... he had to make sure the monster was truly dead. He narrowed his eyes at the prone figure. He was almost too still... Within seconds, he twirled the lance he still had in his hand and brought it down between Golbez's helmet and armor—but hit the thick glass floor instead, cracks branching out through the glass from his spear tip. He could hear everyone's swift intake of breath as he quickly looked up to search for Golbez.

Golbez floated behind the dark crystal, his hand wrapping around it. "Such a shame, Kain. You served me so well. Do you really want to be with your old friends? No one will trust you anymore. Why not relinquish yourself to me forever?"

Kain gritted his teeth furiously. "Accursed fiend, you created this situation! Stealing control of my body and forcing me to watch everything you did in my name! I will never fall under your spell again!" Not sparing a second, he threw his spear toward Golbez, who let out a deep laughter as he vanished with the crystal just when the spear would have struck him in the chest.

"...I'm humbled that you give me full credit for your actions. But all I did was to set your dark side free and give him the lady love that you craved. And know that he will always return to my bidding, ever grateful..."

The shocked silence was broken only by the sound of his spear striking deep into the glass wall behind the crystal dais.

Kain's legs shook. They shouldn't shake. He was a dragoon, the steadiest of warriors! The feelings were unbearable. He wanted to just disappear and be alone. He didn't want to hear anyone's wary talk of trusting him, or hear any kind of apology come out of their mouths. He walked silently away from the group to retrieve his spear, his footsteps echoing off the glass chamber. He yanked his spear out of the wall, and squeezed his eyes shut.

A dark side. Golbez basically just told the group that he couldn't be trusted, since he harbored some traitorous dark side. A dark side that everyone knows about now: his jealousy of Cecil over Rosa. There could be nothing more dishonorable than such a puerile emotion made public.

"Kain..."

He heard the light footsteps on the glass floor and he knew the voice belonged to Rosa. And she was the last person he wanted to see right now. He closed his eyes and sighed, still facing the wall.

"No... stay away. I've done enough. I won't be a liability anymore."

Eyes still averted, Kain quickly walked around behind the crystal dais, away from Rosa.

"No, Kain, wait—"

"I can't be trusted! I can't even trust myself! You all heard, so you should all understand!"

The rest of the group was still standing at the head of the dais, curious eyes following him as Rosa started walking faster to catch up. He kept his gaze averted from the group, though they stayed in his peripheral view. Cecil still looked unsure and hesitant even when Rosa joined him by his side. No one was going to stop him if he truly left the room...

"Kain! Come back!"

Kain stopped and turned around at Cecil's voice. His friend smiled shakily in relief, though Kain was could still see the uncertainty in his eyes as he strode toward him.

"Kain, you have been my best friend all my life, I trust—"

"No you don't. None of you trust me. Not after all I've done. I can only regain my own honor by killing Golbez myself. I've done nothing to gain your trust! Don't give me your falsehoods!"

Now Cecil took a quick step out, put his hands on Kain's shoulders, and shook him violently. "Everyone has a dark side. He could have manipulated anyone, but you were the strongest and most capable of all, so he used you. You're yourself again, Kain, the best friend I ever had. Come, fight Golbez with us. Your grievances are my grievances. We will destroy him together."

"You heard the man, I don't even think I can trust myself. I can see in your eyes that you don't trust me. Leave me be."

"If the evil ever takes you again, I will always search for a way to free you. I wish I could give you my absolute trust, but I'm willing to take the risk to fight by you side by side.

Kain wanted to just scream at Cecil for acting such a saint, but he kept himself under control. "If you wish... I will help you as much as I can."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The dynamics were exactly as he knew they would be. Cecil and Rosa continued to shower forced, unneeded attention on him, while Yang treated him courteously, and the girl from Myst acted like he didn't exist... except for the occasional curious look when he looked the other way.

His crimes would never be forgiven. They will never look at him the same way again. He himself could not act the way he was before. Though he always did regard himself as more cynical than anyone else, he knew now that he had become even more bitter and distant. He blamed Golbez for destroying his honor, his life, his friends. However, deep inside, he knew... knew that the fault lay with deep within himself.

They had eaten their evening meal and everyone was preparing to go to sleep. They were on their way to the Tower of Bab-il. There were no obvious nights in the underworld, so they pitched camp whenever they felt exhausted. As usual, he volunteered for the first watch.

Kain sat on a high ledge of a small rocky hill. He could see the tents and all the lands around, but his gaze automatically fell on the girls' tent. Rosa... he loved her so much... or was it love? He wanted her so badly... and that led to his downfall. Their personalities were so different. She could never be as happy with him. And he always knew that. He had gone through the laundry list of why they really wouldn't be a good match so many times, trying to use logic to temper his emotions. But the cold logic failed him every time.

He closed his eyes and gave himself a mental slap. Forget romantic love, he just wanted to be accepted again, to just be the friends they were before... and with Cecil as well. He wanted it so badly, he felt he could choke from the need.

He shifted a bit to lay against a small boulder, leaning his head back to look at the sky. Instead of a black inky sky dotted with stars and two moons, he found only the rough ceiling of the underworld, illuminated by the bright seas of magma. He let out a sigh and forced himself to relax. He took a deep breath—such scalding hot air... Stop. Stop... thinking! He let it all out in a rush, trying to purge himself of his ceaseless thoughts. He was able to achieve a moment of silence in his head before the rumination started up again. He couldn't sleep. He can never sleep. Yang and Cecil berated him for never waking them up for their turn at watch. He always told them he was perfectly fine and well-rested enough. Thankfully his helmet hid the baggage he knew were under his eyes. His reaction time had been significantly reduced, but he was still able to keep his head level enough. He felt so tired... he would give anything to drop into a world of dreamless sleep. But sleep never came for him, only ceaseless rumination of the same damned things.

Belatedly, he realized someone was climbing his solitary rock.

He quickly turned around. He didn't expect anything sinister, based on the lightness of the steps, but he couldn't hide his surprise when the person turned out to be the girl from Myst.

"Why aren't you asleep?"

"I couldn't sleep," the green-haired girl said simply with a faint smile.

Kain didn't have much to say to that, so he just turned his head back to stare at the strange scaly ceiling above. "So you would come and keep the most hated man in your life company, is that it?"

"I never said I hated you."

"I can tell. And I don't blame you for any of it. I've ruined your life the day I stepped into it with Cecil."

"Oh... yes, and the next time I saw you, you were taking Fabul's Crystal under Golbez's orders. But I still don't hate you, though I still resent what you said that first day I met you."

"What did I say?"

"That you would have to kill me too, along with the rest of my village."

Kain tried hard to remember the harried events of that day. He sighed. "You most likely won't believe me, but it was said as a test to see if Cecil still had his own morals intact. Contrary to what you might think, I do not personally kill young children."

Rydia frowned. "But still, why would you need to test Cecil? Wasn't he your best friend?"

"You must understand, our King was like our father. He brought us up since we were children, and our loyalty to him was steadfast. He really was an honest, good man, so it was confusing to all of us when he started ordering us to plunder crystals and build up an army. But how could we possibly know he was taken over by a fiend? I think we both already had serious doubts, however, but dared not voice it aloud. Destroying your village was a shock to both of us, and for me, it cemented my views against the king. I could not know what Cecil would think, however, and voicing traitorous views is dangerous, and you can never be too careful. Whatever the case, I apologize for what I said that day... and for what... what we did. I've accumulated plenty of sins, if I could atone for all of it, I would."

He was so lost thinking about his past crimes that he jumped when he realized that Rydia had just sat herself next to him and was leaning against the same boulder. Her hands were laced behind her head, and her gaze was fixed on the ceiling.

"Thank you for telling me, Kain. But I think you're punishing yourself harder than anyone of us could. I know Cecil and Rosa are probably going a bit far trying to make you feel at home. Yang is always courteous... and will always be the gentleman that he is. But the sins you talk about, they weren't even really done by you."

"You don't know that."

"If they were, then you would have just killed all of us now."

"What is it that you are trying to get at?" Kain said, feeling a bit irritated.

"I just... I just wanted to let you know that I hold you blameless for what happened at Myst. Neither you nor Cecil knew what that item would do. Neither of you knew...knew that the dragon you killed was my mother. I could blame you forever, but the person who was truly behind all of this is Golbez. He was the one that wanted us dead, not you. That night in Kaipo when the Baron guards had found us, Cecil refused to turn me over. Had Titan split the earth differently, and you and Cecil changed places... what would you have done?"

It was Golbez's fault. All of it. It was a relief to hear the Mist girl try to forgive him for destroying her life. He could still remember her as a little girl, face covered in tears and the blank horror that contorted her face when she realized he and Cecil were the ones that killed her mother. It's amazing she could be so forgi—

"Well?"

Huh? "Well, what?"

Then he noticed her cheeks were all red and she looked incredibly embarrassed. She had drawn her knees against her chest. She suddenly looked up at him in surprise and... relief?

"Oh, you did...didn't hear my question?"

Maybe his brain was failing him... Then again, he hadn't slept in days... "Er, sorry, please say it again."

"Uh, it wasn't important..."

Now he was curious. "I see. So what did you say?"

"It wasn't im—"

"I'm afraid it must be, because you don't want to say it again. So what did you say?"

Rydia frowned. "Well... I was just wondering what you would do if...if you a-and Cecil had switched places after the quake at Mist a-and whether you—it's not important."

Kain smiled slightly. Ah. "It is important. To be perfectly honest, I don't know. Cecil may really be a plaster saint—even in his dark armor—and maybe you got lucky. That's an interesting thought though... Cecil would have been in serious trouble if he landed on the Baron side... however. No, I don't think I'm callous enough to just leave you to die in the desert. But I think it is still better for you to resent me and leave Cecil the holy knight that he is. It's easier that way."

Rydia shook her head sadly. "He wasn't a plaster saint and he definitely wasn't 'holy' the last time I saw him. If Mount Ordeals was all that he needed to do to be holy, then maybe we all should go there for a visit."

"Based on what he told me, that 'light' seemed to already know him, calling him 'his son' and whatnot. I have a feeling we'd just get the cold shoulder. Or at least it would let you know that you have no reason to want to overhaul yourself—and for me, that I'm beyond hope."

"What do you know of me that would make you say that I'm not anything but perfect?"

Kain gave her a strange look. "Why, are you actual an evil sorceress who's been killing innocent people and plotting to betray Cecil?"

Rydia burst out laughing, which took him by surprise. "No, no, though it's really a matter of perspective whether I am 'evil' or not. I believe the creatures we've been fighting on our way to Bab-il would not find me kind."

"I'm not sure they think anything at all, to be honest. Tell me, why have you come here talk to me when you haven't said a thing to me since you joined our little party?"

"I didn't know what to say."

"That's it? And now you have plenty of words at your disposal."

"Did you want me to talk to you?"

What? Where'd she pull that from? "I was expecting the status quo, that was all."

"I did hate you at first, but I'd been doing a lot of thinking now that you and Cecil are both here... I was able to forgive Cecil a long time ago, since he saved me and vowed to protect me after the Kaipo incident. I haven't had that chance with you. But I know it wasn't your fault. Tell me, what happened to you after the quake? I just want to know."

"Why?" Kain gave her a confused look as he yawned and stretched his arms. She looked so disconcerted that he just chuckled and answered her question. "I found myself alone in the remains of the village. I searched the whole town over for you two before I went back to Baron."

"Then what?" Rydia asked curiously, after a long pause.

"I had to report to the King, of course. He wanted me to meet his new adviser in all haste."

"Oh... then what happened?"

"Once the guards closed the door and left me alone with that king and Baigan the chancellor. The king then introduced his new adviser, Golbez. Whatever suspicions Cecil and I had about the king was made crystal clear. Golbez instantly immobilized me with Hold, then re-introduced the king as one of his four fiends, Cagnazzo. When Cagnazzo apologized for my return, I realized he had sent me and Cecil to Mist to eliminate not only your town, but ourselves as well. Unfortunately, Golbez decided I was actually a valuable asset. He threw another spell on me and the next thing I knew, I was kneeling on the ground praising Golbez."

"Oh dear, that's awful."

"It was. I really don't know what he did. It was like there were two of me. The normal me who could only observe and mentally scream at what I was doing, and this other me which is like a heavily magnified version of the very thing I hated about myself."

"Rosa?"

"I grew up with Rosa and Cecil. There really isn't a better match for Rosa than Cecil, but it didn't matter. I could not help feeling jealous and angry—as childish as it sounds. I never said anything about it to Rosa, so when this 'other me' took over…I find it highly mortifying, the things I said and did. It was a serious weakness of character, and Golbez exploited it very well."

"In the end, it really just came down to the fact that you happened to be on the wrong side of the quake..." Rydia said softy, watching at the constant changing pattern of lights shining off the magma and onto the ceiling above.

"If fate was the one to damn me to suffer, then I can't feel more powerless than I do now. I know now that I desperately need to purge this 'dark side', this black poison from my soul... If it lets Golbez control me again... Rydia, I want you to kill me."

Rydia whipped her head around, eyes widened in shock. "How could you tell me to do such a thing!"

"My honor will be beyond salvaging. I'm so tired, Rydia. If I were to be taken advantage of for a second time, I wouldn't be able to face any of you again... and the shame would be unbearable."

Rydia suddenly stood up, her hands balled into fists. He was just registering that she looked strangely furious, before suddenly his cheek was smarting in pain as Rydia slapped him hard.

"What the hell was that for?" Kain yelled angrily, staring at an almost unreadable expression on the girl's face.

"Coward!" she said, still looking angry. "Even Edward's better than you! Only a weakling would wish to die for such stupid reasons! Even if you were to be taken a second time, you can still break free—or be broken free. And we'll all know that the real you is not the one responsible for whatever horrid deeds he'll make you do. Mind control is not something you can't find in the Eidolons library of magic and spells. It's a spell, and all spells can be broken. Stop punishing yourself and feeling sorry for yourself!"

Who the hell is Edward? "It's not anything about self-pity! If you were forced to watch yourself do atrocious things to your friends, you wouldn't be so eager to excuse yourself either!" Kain retorted as he stood up himself, staring down at the little green wisp of a girl.

Rydia still looked angry, but the few times she opened her mouth, nothing came out. "Still! Terrible things happened to me and I wasn't going to just roll over and die! You can always find a way to right things!"

"Rydia, there's a huge difference between suffering an unfortunate tragedy that wasn't your fault, and a caustic guilt over unspeakable things that you caused other people, especially to friends. Yes, everyone can say it's not my fault, but to be honest, it is. The fact that Golbez could control me and draw out the worst in me so easily is testament to that. It was still me, a dark side of me, but still me. I take that as my responsibility. And now, a crucial responsibility to root it out of me."

She looked subdued, and apologetic. Then looked up at him straight in the eye and smiled wistfully. "Yeah, you're probably right. But, if you ever ask me to kill you for any reason ever again, I'm...going to... I don't know, turn you into a toad—or something instead."

"What?"

Kain could never remember another time when he went from boiling point to trying not to break down laughing when her erratic words finally sunk into his sleep-deprived brain. Half of him wanted to just pet her head because she looked so flustered and angry. "Well, Rydia... don't worry, I'll just ask someone else," he finally said in jest.

Rydia must not have caught the sarcasm because she snapped her head up in shocked anger and looked like she was about to slap him a second time. "You're horrible!"

What was going to be a slap turned into a shove at the last second, catching Kain by surprise, knocking him off balance and fighting not to fall off the rock. "WH—!"

"OH NO, I'M SO SORRY!" Rydia cried. She tried to grab his flailing arms before he finally fell off his perch on the rock.

Kain landed in heap on the ground, his armor digging into parts of his skin. His head took a blow and he could feel bruises all over. Within seconds, Rydia warped in front of him, looking extremely worried and embarrassed.

"I see what you mean about needing to visit Mount Ordeals yourself," Kain said, taking Rydia's hand to help him stand up.

Rydia looked away and grinned as she shoved a potion in his hand. "Um, do you want me to grab someone else for night watch?"

Kain quickly drank the potion and felt the cuts and bruises heal themselves. "Only if you can help me sleep. I mean, if you can cast a dreamless sleep spell, I'd be really grateful. I haven't been able to sleep in days."

"Are you serious? You've been fighting on no sleep?"

"Does it bother you that I have?"

"Er—no... but yeah just ask me if you can't sleep tomorrow either, it's easy enough. It's a rather nice change to be using black magic for medicinal reasons..."

Kain smiled. "Thank you."