DAY 1
Arizona watched as Joe set the large glass of white wine down on the bar in front of her.
She lifted the glass and took a hefty mouthful, feeling it run down her throat and her body let go of the tension it was holding tightly in her muscles. She set her glass down and dropped her elbows down onto the bar, ignoring the fact that she felt the elbow of her shirt stick to it, before dropping her head into her hands. Her fingers rubbed at her eyes over and over in an attempt to get rid of the burning that was behind them, the fatigue of the jetlag now fully setting in and making her body feel like deadweight. As she took another mouthful of the wine, noticing the contents had dropped down by a significant amount already, she signalled to Joe for another and ignored the voice in her head that told her she should just go home.
She tugged her phone out of her pocket when it vibrated with a message, her fingers fumbling to slide the phone on before she scanned her eyes over the message from Teddy and picked out the key parts. Called into the OR. Can't make drinks. Tomorrow night. Arizona sighed softly as she dropped the phone onto the bar. She sat for a few more minutes fiddling with peanut shells in one hand and drinking her wine with the other, running her finger around the rim of the glass as she zoned out. Her mind wandered to mindless things. She thought about the amount of work she had missed while she had been away. She thought about whether she had any food in her apartment to make for breakfast in the morning, or whether she would just stop by the coffee cart and grab something. And then finally, she thought of her. Her face popped into her head first, then her voice, and lastly her laugh. They all came in waves and with each one she knocked more sips of wine into her hoping it would wash the waves away. She didn't want to think about her, not anymore. She had spent the past couple of weeks working on ways for this not to happen, for her face not to invade her thoughts like a welcomed infection.
Arizona's thoughts snapped away from the woman's voice and laugh when a bang in front of her shook her from her head, her eyes looking forward to see a tequila shot being set down on the bar. Arizona looked to her right when she heard the screeching of the bar stool next to her being pulled back, looking at a brunette who was beaming a wide-set smile that filled her whole face. Arizona knew the face. It only took her a second for her mind to flash back to first seeing the brunette's smile in this bar over a year ago. Their conversation had been mumbled over the sound of the busy bar, a short and sweet few minutes that led to a date three nights later and then several more over the space of a couple of weeks. Arizona swallowed thickly when she realised it all felt like a lifetime ago, her eyes flickering over the woman's face to see nothing had changed apart from the length of her hair.
"I have been stood over there for about twenty minutes watching you wallow in whatever self-pity you've got going on here before I finally decided that what you really need is a proper drink."
Arizona looked over to the corner of the bar to where the woman had nodded her head to see a small group of woman all pretend they hadn't been staring when they made uncomfortable eye contact. Arizona looked back to the woman next to her, her beaming grin still there and a tequila shot in her hand waiting for Arizona to lift hers.
"Julie. It's been a while. How have you been?"
Arizona watched as the woman caught Joe's attention and slid her empty drinks glass towards him, the grin never leaving her face as she asked for another. Arizona just watched her. Julie oozed something that wasn't confidence, but more so cockiness. At the time, Arizona had thought she liked authoritative women. Women who commanded respect just like she did, and women who had respect for themselves. She had thought the woman in front of her was that woman. But as she sat here and looked at this woman from her past, her eyes glancing over everything, she realised that she never truly understood what that was in a woman until she met her.
"I've been good," Julie spoke after a second, setting the tequila shot in her hand down on the bar when she realised Arizona hadn't reciprocated her idea, "I got a new job, it's in Chicago. I'm just back visiting friends for a few days. But I guess you would have known all of this if you hadn't broken up with me."
"Julie," Arizona spoke softly, watching as the other woman smirked at her she lifted Arizona's wine from in front of her and began to take sips from it, her eye contact never once breaking as she looked over the rim of the glass, "I'm sorry about all of that, I just… I'm sorry if I upset you, but-"
"Relax, Arizona, I'm joking. I'm not that bitter about us breaking up that I'm still sat here pissed after all this time. We weren't exactly a proper thing if we're being honest, so I don't really know if you could say we technically broke up. Besides, I figured it had something to do with Peace Corps girl."
"Who?" Arizona asked as she watched Julie set her wine back down when Joe arrived with a refill of her drink. Arizona chewed on her lip as she watched Julie scoop the cherry out of the drink and pop it into her mouth, once again letting her eyes burn into Arizona the whole time. It made her shift uncomfortably in her seat and she turned to look away, her eyes falling on Joe who was looking at her with a sad smile. It confused her for a second before she remembered that this was the first time in a long time she had been sat at this bar with someone else who wasn't her usual brunette.
"You know, the one who walked over when we were on out fifth date or something. Enjoyed cooking. Made a chicken piccata and was married. Was in the Peace Corps. Where was it again, Zimbabwe?"
"Botswana." Arizona spoke after a second, her voice coming out slightly weaker from the way her throat had gone dry at the change in conversation. Arizona turned to grab her bag that was hanging on the back of her stool, fishing her purse out of it as Julie chuckled lightly next to her.
"So it was Peace Corps girl then, she's the reason I caught you sneaking out of my apartment one morning hoping you would never have to actually have a conversation with me about ending it."
"I wasn't sneaking out, I was going to wake you…" Arizona laughed as she dropped money down onto the bar before turning back to Julie, noting the curious look that was spreading across her face. Arizona watched as Julie turned in the chair, her knees bumping into Arizona's thigh when she moved forward slightly. Arizona glanced at her and wanted to groan when she noticed how close the woman now was, her perfume wafting over every time she flicked her hair in a way that was already annoying despite the short period of time she had been sat with her.
"You're avoiding the topic. Why don't you want to speak about her? Did the renowned Arizona Robbins finally have her heart broken after breaking so many of Seattle's finest?"
"I have to go, I'm in work early tomorrow. It was nice seeing you again, Julie. Good luck with everything in Chicago."
"I leave tomorrow," the woman spoke as she grabbed Arizona's wrist when she stood up, her fingers wrapping around the wrist. Arizona eyes flickered down to where the hand was around her skin, before looking back up to Julie, "I'm only here for one more night. And then I leave. I also happen to be in a very fancy hotel that's only ten minutes from here. You look sad, Arizona. Come and spend the night with me, come and enjoy yourself."
Arizona eyes flickered between the woman's eyes, looking at her as she lifted her drink with her free hand and drained the rest of it. Arizona could feel her ring against her wrist, it felt cold against her skin. She could feel her fingers scratching against her skin in a way that she imagined Julie meant to be intriguing, but all it was doing was irritating Arizona's skin. A small tug of her wrist and she felt the fingers unwrap, Arizona thankful and trying to ignore the way her skin felt like it was burning. Her heart was thumping in her chest as she looked at the woman, and all her mind could do was scream at her. She's not her. She's not her. She's not her. Arizona forced a smile onto her face as she looked at Julie who nodded, an acceptance finally washing across the woman's face.
"So Peace Corps girl did break your heart…"
"Good night, Julie."
/
DAY 2
"Hey, you're back, how was Fiji? Sorry about last night, a head-on collision was brought in late and the ER was manic for a while."
Arizona struggled to close the door for a second, the stack of charts in her arms slipping until she tightened her grip on them. She spun around, kicking the door closed with her foot before slouching over to the table and dropping the stack with a loud thud. Her eyes glanced across the table to see four different outfits laid out, Teddy stood with her hands on her hips as she stared down at them. Arizona looked for a second more before pulling her white coat off and flopping down into one of the chairs.
"It was nice. Warm. Peaceful. Unlike here which has clearly been rained on by every sick tiny human in Seattle whilst I've been gone."
"Isn't peaceful just another work for boring?"
Arizona just offered a huff of air as a response, watching as Teddy stood and eyed down the outfits on the table before scooping two of the shirts up, one in either hand. Arizona nodded her head towards the white shirt in Teddy's right hand before snatching the first chart from the top of the pile, flipping it open and beginning the mammoth task of catching up all of the work she had missed. She prided herself on knowing her Peds ward. She knew where every kid needed to be, when they needed to be there, and what they needed to be doing. She also learned the little things, like which kid needed a pudding after being examined, or which kid would cry about monsters if the bathroom door was left open in their room at night. She knew everything, until now. A month had passed leaving her walking her Peds ward that morning not recognising every patient and not being able to answer every parent's questions.
"Well aren't you a barrel of sunshine this morning, hating being back already? That ugly tree thing is for you by the way, the fancy little card has your name on it."
Arizona threw a smirk at Teddy as she forced her legs back up, ignoring the way they felt heavy and achy as she walked. She had lay in bed for hours before finally falling asleep, her body never being able to get comfortable in a bed that didn't really feel like hers. Her alarm this morning had pierced through her tired head like a screw driver and an unwelcome guest in her apartment.
Arizona stopped at the counter when she reached the plant, looking at the small tree that sat in a stone pot. She scooped it up under her arm and walked back to her chair, dropping the plant next to the charts and reading through the note quickly, a small sigh leaving her before she dropped the note onto the table and continued with the chart. She could see Teddy staring at the note from the corner of her eyes, attempting to manoeuvre her head so she could read the writing upside down before eventually just snatching the note up and reading it. Arizona continued reading from the charts until she heard Teddy's voice crack through the silence.
"What the… Dr Robbins, please accept this miniature olive tree as a symbol of our apology. We hope you'll accept our olive branch and be in contact, Hopkins." Teddy turned the card over and scanned the decoration on the back before re-reading it under her breath, a line forming deep into the skin between her eyes as she frowned at Arizona, "Hopkins as in Johns Hopkins? As in the insanely good, freakishly competitive, number one teaching hospital in the country?"
"Uhm, yes." Arizona laughed as she watched the woman in front of shoot her eyebrows up and drop the note down onto the table. Teddy's face was the picture of shock for a few seconds more before Arizona watched her eyes squint and her eyebrow arch in a curious way.
"Why is Hopkins writing to you? What do they want? They sent you a hideous plant. And why are they apologising to you?"
"I did my residency there, that's all," Arizona laughed as she pushed herself back up again and walked around the table, Teddy's eyes following her the whole way as she grabbed a mug and began to fill it with coffee. Arizona just laughed when she turned around to see Teddy staring at her, jotting her head forward to let Arizona know her answer hadn't been enough. "When I was looking for hospitals to complete my fellowship at they were late to make an offer, something to do with a communication error in the end. By the time they finally got the offer through to me I had accepted the fellowship here. I always wanted to come here anyway but they thought they had pissed me off so they send me a grovelling present every year because I'm so insanely awesome at my job. Usually its food, hence why a plant this year is somewhat disappointing."
"Oh my God, they're trying to poach you. You're being poached. They're buying your affection with ugly olive trees and trying to steal you. Does the Chief know about this?"
"They're grovelling for something they don't need to grovel about. I wanted to come to Seattle anyway so it doesn't matter."
"Are you considering the job? Because you don't get to do that, okay? You don't get to run away to the other side of the country just because you're sad. You made me be your friend so now you have to stick around. Tell Hopkins they can shove their ugly olive trees up their ass, okay?"
"You're so good with words, poetic almost," Arizona laughed as she pushed off the counter and resumed her seat, taking a gulp of the coffee and enjoying the way it washed down her throat.
"Seriously, Arizona, are you considering it? Because I'm not above snitching on your blonde ass to the Chief to let him know you're being poached." Teddy spoke as she pulled her scrub pants off and grabbed a pair from the table, pulling them up her legs and returning to pull the zip up a second later when Arizona pointed to it with her pen.
"Of course I'm not, Teddy. Relax, okay? They've sent me something every single year since I left, it's not a real job offer. If they wanted me back they would contact me properly instead of writing for me to contact them. Besides, I like my job here."
"I know but things have sort of changed. I mean, you've always said you liked your job here when it was going alongside you liking your life here, and not to be the one to mention the Callie shaped elephant in the room, but your life has sort of gone downhill in the last month or so. I just don't want you to think that maybe it would be better if you went to Hopkins because of you and-"
"Teddy, seriously, I'm not going anywhere."
"Okay, fine. That's good." Teddy resolved after a minute of staring at Arizona. She pulled a chair out and sat across from Arizona with a calmer smile now spreading across her face. "So hit me with the hard stud. Did Fiji work? Because the last time I saw you, you were having what can only be described as a serious cry in a supply room after kissing Callie in an elevator. How sad are you, on a scale of 1 to me needing to show up to your apartment every night for the next week with a few bottles of wine?"
Arizona's mouth felt dry at the blatant mention of the woman, just like it had felt last night. She had gone for a whole month without saying and hearing her name, despite always thinking it. She hadn't heard it leave someone's lips in so long and now Teddy was saying it in such a casual way that she hadn't been prepared for the way it felt like someone had popped her lung and let all of the air out. She felt like a lump had formed in her throat and was stopping her from swallowing, or breathing. Arizona took a second before forcing a mouthful of coffee down, ignoring the way it felt painful and forcing a smile onto her face.
"I'm fine." Arizona spoke, a laugh coming out afterwards that was meant to sound more natural than it did. It caused Teddy to tilt her head to one side and stare at her until Arizona swallowed thickly again and searched for words that would help, coming out with something that, if anything, made it seem more forced, "honestly, I'm fine. I've been back for two days and I feel great. I'm on day two of my new happy, care-free living regime."
"Really, we're going to play this game? Cut the shit, Arizona."
"Fine. I mean, am I upset? Of course I am, I loved Callie," her name felt strange coming from her lips, but at the same time it felt like a wave of relief to finally speak the name that was constantly in her thoughts, "but I'm fine- I'll be fine. How is- uhm, how is she? Have you spoken to her much?"
"She's- well… Is this really going to help? Talking about her?" Teddy sighed as she stood back up and lifted the outfits that were on the table, shoving them into a bag in a way that only someone who had lived in the desert could.
"I'm only asking if she's okay, that's all." Arizona spoke, hoping her voice was going to come out much stronger than it did. She peaked up after a second to see a sympathetic smile on Teddy's face and it made her stomach churn.
"I don't really know how she is, I'll be honest. She looked like a lost puppy for the first week you were gone. I think she wanted to ask me where you were every time she looked at me, but she didn't. She's spends a lot of time in her cartilage lab and by a lot I mean pretty much every minute. Oh, I caught her crying into her cereal once but that was a couple of weeks ago now. Mark's been good. He takes food up and eats with her in the lab, even managed to convince her to come out for drinks with everyone at Joe's a few times."
"That's good. That's great. It's good that she's doing okay. Good. I'm happy. I'm happy for her." Arizona spoke as she took another gulp of coffee, her finger tracing around the rim of the mug as she tried to ignore the overwhelming sensation in the back of her eyes to cry. She didn't need to cry right now, and more importantly she didn't want to. She carried on swallowing thickly, her heart beating on her chest in a way that made her pulse race through her ears. She could feel Teddy's eyes on her for the next few minutes as she read through chart after chart.
"Okay, I need to go. How do I look?" Teddy asked as she pulled a jacket on over the white shirt, twirling quickly and looking back to Arizona for an answer.
"Where are you going?" Arizona had been expecting her to say she was going to a meeting, or even a badly dressed lunch date. But the awkward laugh that slipped from Teddy's lips made Arizona set the next chart down and put all of her attention back on Teddy,
"Oh, uhm… I'm going to get married."
"You're what?" Arizona snapped, her head jerking forward and her eyes widening in a way that she was sure wasn't natural. If Teddy had said it any other way Arizona would have laughed and told Teddy to shut up, but Teddy hadn't said it any other way.
"I'll be back in like an hour, two tops, if Derek starts to get pissy about where I am." Teddy spoke as she lifted her bag and pulled out a file that was filled with paperwork. Arizona struggled to get her mouth to work as fast as her thoughts, her jaw fumbling over words.
"What do you mean you're getting married, how could you be getting married? I've been gone for a month, how could you be getting married to someone? Oh sweet Jesus, please tell me it isn't Mark."
"It's not Mark." Teddy grumbled defensively.
"Then who? Is this a shotgun wedding? Are you pregnant?"
"No, it's nothing like that. He's a patient actually. His name is Henry. He used to be a professional baseball player, how cool is that?" Teddy asked with a grinning smile that was so clearly forced onto her face, letting it drop when she realised Arizona wasn't going to smile back. "Anyway, he doesn't have medical insurance and I do, so I'm marrying him. It's really not a big deal, but I finally have a free hour in the day so I'm off to get married. Want to go for drinks tonight to make up for last night?"
"Isn't this insurance fraud?" Arizona blurted out after a second, her voice an octave higher than it should be and her eyes watching as Teddy stopped flicking through the folder and groaned.
"Why doesn't everyone get hung up on that part?"
"Trust me, there are many parts of this I could be getting hung up on, Teddy. That was just the first one that came out of my mouth. This is illegal, you could go to prison. You won't survive in prison, you're too tall and too skinny."
"It's not illegal, Little Grey said so. She also said that she thinks this is awesome, so why can't you?"
"Awesome? Teddy, I'm the queen of awesome, okay? I throw that word about like there's no tomorrow, so I know it pretty well, and this? This isn't awesome. I mean, your intentions are awesome but actually going through with it… Have you gone crazy? Is this some life crisis that I should be worried about?"
"No. Maybe. I don't know, but I'm doing it. Why can't I marry someone to save them? And you can't talk about life crisis, you ran away to Fiji for a month to cure your broken heart with sandy beaches and sangria and now that you've decided to re-join the real world you're counting your new carefree days which is basically code for your days without Callie. If you can do that, I can marry Henry damn Burton, Arizona."
"I did not run away to Fiji, I simply made use of the allocated vacation time. Besides, my vacation ended after a month. Last time I checked, marriage was until death parts you both, it's in the damn vows, Theodora."
"Do not Theodora me, okay? This is just a business agreement anyway, it's not for life. We'll get a divorce once he doesn't need the insurance anymore. Listen, I'd love to stand here and argue with you all day but I need to go and get married, so let's go for drinks tonight and I can tell you all about my wedding you're not invited to."
"Fine, happy wedding day, I guess. May your marriage be short and cheerful."
"Thank you. And I'm not having a life crisis." Teddy defended as she swung the door open, her eyes narrowing at Arizona as she attempted to offer what was meant to be a glare.
"And I didn't run away to Fiji, I took a vacation."
"Agree to disagree on both?"
"Deal."
/
DAY 4
Arizona tugged her scrub cap from her head as she stopped at the nurse's desk, setting down the chart that was in her hand and smiling at the woman who collected it. She placed her arms on the surface before dropping her head down into them, letting her eyes fall closed and practically whimpering at the sensation. She was beyond exhaustion. Three days had blurred past, filled with chart reading, surgery, quizzing Teddy on her husband that she refused to call her husband, and more surgery. Arizona had lived in the OR for three whole days and hadn't been home yet, having spent the days running off of twenty minute naps in on-call rooms. She stood for a minute longer with her eyes closed before deciding she was going home, wanting nothing more than to curl up in the bed that she didn't like. Her eyes stung with the bright light when she opened them, her arms pushing her heavy body up and turning to walk away before stopping with a groan when her name was spoken over her shoulder.
"Dr Robbins, there's another chart that wasn't in the pile I updated you with. The patient is in room 208."
Arizona practically stomped back like a small child, snatching the chart and tucking it under her arm as she walked towards the room. She waved an intern over and ignored the smile that dropped from their face when all she asked for was a coffee. She didn't care whether she reminded herself of Mark Sloan, she had never felt happiness like when the intern returned a few minutes later with the coffee.
It wasn't until Arizona reached the bottom of the second page in the chart that she noticed the different handwriting from all of the others, a hand writing she recognised. Her eyes quickly scanned what it said before she looked up and through the window into the room in front, her stomach plummeting at the sight of Callie. She was sat in the chair next to the patient's bed, looking through something that young girl was handing to her with a wide smile on her face. Arizona stood and just watched her for a second. She admired the way Callie acted around patients on Peds. Kids liked to talk, they liked to tell stories. Every time someone walked onto Arizona's ward she reminded them that kids had hope, they had belief, and they were different from every other patient in the hospital because of their unblemished optimism in the world. And for years Arizona watched residents rock up to the rooms and throw medical jargon at not only scared parents, but at little kids who didn't even know why they needed to be in a hospital.
But Callie was different. She didn't have to pretend to listen to their stories, she actually listened to them. She would pop back into their rooms when she had a spare minutes to see how they were doing and to hear another story. She used to say it was because she wanted to see Arizona, but after she spent the first three times speaking to the kids instead of Arizona and only offering a quick pat on the ass as she walked out, Arizona saw right through her.
Arizona swallowed thickly as she lifted the chart and walked towards the door, watching as Callie had now gotten up and walked around to the bed so her back was towards the door, her hands checking the cast that was wrapped around the girl's left arm.
"What's her name again?" The young girl in bed asked as she looked to Callie who was perched in a small stool so she could look at the girl's arm better. Arizona stepped back for a minute, telling herself she was letting Callie finish but really she knew she just needed another minute before she was in the same room as Callie. She hadn't seen her around the hospital since she had gotten back and Arizona didn't know whether that had made things better or worse. All she knew was it had created a volcano of nerves, bubbling away in the pit of her stomach and ready erupt at any second.
"Her name is Dr Robbins, but if you ask her nicely she might let you call her by her first name."
"What's her first name?"
"Arizona." Callie spoke softly, Arizona trying to focus on anything other than Callie's voice and the way her name sounded on her lips again. She needed to distract herself. She looked around the ward, stared at her hands, fiddled with stethoscope.
"Like the place?" The young girl asked. A small laugh left Callie and yet it still managed to fill the room.
"Yeah, like the place, but she's not named after the place. You'll love her, she's great."
"Why can't you just be my doctor for the whole time?" Arizona heard Callie chuckle and she swore her legs went weak, her arms gripping the chart closer to her chest as she forced a smile onto her face for a group of interns that were scrambling past.
"Because I fixed your arm, but that's all I can fix. I'm a bone doctor, but Doctor Robbins is a doctor that looks after kids. Listen, I'll come and check up on your arm and see how you're doing, but once you meet Dr Robbins you're not going to care about me. She's the best, okay? If I was in your position I would definitely want her to be my doctor."
"What's so good about her?"
"Uhm, well I can't confirm this, but word on the Peds block is that she's best at reading stories. She does all the voices and everything. She also has this smile that's going to make you feel so much better, straight away. It'll make you smile, even if you don't want to. Uhm, she also wears-"
"How come I'm only just meeting her? Why did I get that old man for so long?" The young girl interrupted, Callie laughing once more.
"First of all, Doctor Fletcher is only, like, forty-one. Although I'd like to make it clear I'm not that old, I also hope when I am that people won't call me an old woman. Second of all, Dr Robbins was away on vacation but now she's back, so she can help you."
"Where did she go?"
"What?" Callie asked, pushing back in the stool and standing up. Arizona watched as she wiped her hands on her white coat, fumbling with the sleeve to roll of back up over her elbow. She had always loved the way Callie wore her coat like that.
"Where she go on vacation?"
"Oh uhm, I don't actually know. You'll have to ask her. She'll probably tell you all about it when she takes you for your- Arizona." Callie had turned on her heel and was most likely heading for the chart at the end of the bed when she noticed Arizona stood at the doorway, her feet stopping. Arizona's mouth bobbed up and down for a second, the coolness and calmness she had told herself she would have basically dissolving and instead leaving her as an embarrassing puddle of nerves. She looked at Callie for a second, noticing she looked a little tired before forcing her body to keep moving further into the room.
"Looking for this?" She joked as she held the chart up in her hand, watching Callie strain a smile onto her face before taking the chart and moving to the table at the end of the bed, her hands patting at her pockets before Arizona pulled a pen out and set it down on the table next to the chart.
"Are you Dr Robbins?" The young girl asked from the bed, her voice soft and sweet and thankful distraction from the looks that were being passed between Arizona and Callie. Arizona glanced at Callie one last time, trying to ignore the way her jaw was set in a hard cold line, before looking to the young girl.
"I am indeed. And you are?" Arizona asked as she stepped around to the edge of the bed, pulling stethoscope from around her neck and smiling at the young girl who was grinning back at her, completely and mindlessly unaware of the tension she was sitting in right now.
"My name is Alex Anderson. I'm five and a half years old and I presented with stage four Sarcoma that has spread through my stomach and into my lymph nodes. I've had three surgeries to remove the tumours but I don't think they worked very well. Oh, and I also hurt my arm the other day when I was running down the corridors here, so Dr Torres says I'm not allowed to run inside again."
"Wow, you're as good as some of my residents. And Dr Torres has a good point there, let's leave the outside things for when we're outside, right Dr Torres?"
Arizona turned to Callie watching as she lifted her head from the chart and forced a smile onto her face before looking back down. Arizona frowned at her for a second before turning back to the young girl who was snatching up from the side of her bed whatever she had been showing Callie a few minutes ago, which turned out to be pictures of her cat Batman. Arizona took the pictures from her and began to look through them as Alex began to tell stories of how her cat always stole socks. Arizona's eyes flickered over to Callie every few seconds, watching as she finished writing in the chart and flipped it closed. As Callie looked up Arizona contemplated looking away but as soon as her eyes met with Callie's she was stuck looking at her. She definitely looked tired. She had dark circles under her eyes the same way Arizona did, but Arizona knew hers had only been there for three days, making her wonder how long Callie's had been there.
Callie finally broke the stare that had set in between them by speaking the words tumbling out of her mouth quickly. She filled Arizona in on Alex's arm in the most professional and sharp way, a tone that Arizona had never ever been on the receiving end of and had only observed. It hurt. And when Callie said goodbye to Alex, promising to come and check on her the next day, all Arizona could do was stand aside and watch as Callie walked out of the room and past the window without so much as a second glance. Arizona didn't even know she had been staring until she felt the sleeve of her coat being tugged on, turning around to Alex, who looked so small in her bed, beaming up at her with a wide smile.
"So where did you go on vacation?"
/
DAY 14
Arizona was surprised how easy is seemed to be for her and Callie to never in the same room together long enough for her to strike up the courage to speak to her.
When she had been in Fiji she had sat on the beach and wondered how they were ever going to be friends, the idea echoing in her over and over ever since she walked out of Callie's apartment. Arizona knew it's what people said. We'll be friends. We'll still speak to each other. We'll see each other at work. But she also knew the reality of it and the reality was making her stomach churn with each passing day that no words were exchanged between her and Callie. She didn't deny that she knew it would probably hurt more to have Callie be her friend than it would to simply continue the silent act they had settled into in the past two weeks, but she needed her. She couldn't close her eyes and ever picture a life in which Callie wasn't present in it. She had sat with many sangrias and planned conversations that they could have, simple topics they could mull over in the OR together. The weather. How busy work had been. Plans for the weekend. She told herself that one day she would stand across from Callie and discuss the rain that was falling outside and it wouldn't feel forced, it wouldn't feel like she was talking simply because someone needed to speak; it would feel natural. Because they would be friends.
But the more days that passed by, the more Arizona realised that Callie wasn't on the same wave length. The other woman had ignored the optimism and fully accepted the reality of what had been said. Arizona would sit down at lunch with Teddy, Mark and Owen only to watch Callie scoop her apple up and vacate her seat within minutes, leaving Arizona to deal with the awkward and uncomfortable glances between her friends. She would walk into an OR gallery and see Callie in the corner of her eye sneaking out of the other door, forcing her eyes to remain on the window in front instead of longingly watching the brunette scurry down the corridors. The only period of length they had spent with each other was in the OR repairing a ten year old's mangled leg and somehow, even though it had been the most time she spent with Callie, it hurt more than when she would leave the lunch table. Callie had stood and spoken to Karev, both laughing about sports that Arizona had no idea about and chuckling over the story of the kid falling off the roof. Callie told Karev a story about how she fell off the roof once hiding from her parents, a story Arizona had already heard before when she had kissed the scar on Callie's elbow and asked how it had gotten there. Arizona thought it had been the memory that had hurt her, but it wasn't. It was the way Callie looked at her. In that moment, in that OR, she was invisible to one woman who was everything she ever saw. Callie was looking straight through her, as though their hands weren't both working on the same young boy in front of them.
Afterwards Arizona stood in the scrub room looking at the door that was shutting closed after Callie had walked straight out, not a single word spoken between them since they had walked out of the OR. She told herself she could handle this. She should handle the cold shoulder a little bit longer if it's what Callie wanted. But she also spend every single day wondering how long it was going to be before Callie spoke to her again, or made eye contact with her, or simple acknowledged she existed. Because deep down she knew she couldn't handle it. It was killing her.
/
DAY 21
Arizona was tiredly strolling through the PICU as she tugged her scrub cap from her head, her fingers tugging at her hair until it was falling down around her shoulder, her operating gown still around her and kicking around her ankles as she walked. She stopped when she reached the room she was looking for her, her feet stilling at the door as she glanced in the to see Callie curled up in the chair next to her bed, a large book balancing on her knees. Her eyes were looking at the book but Arizona could tell she wasn't reading it, her hand scrunched up in her hair as she held her head up.
Arizona stood for a second, her fingers fidgeting at her sides. She needed to go in. She needed to check on Alex who she had operated on early that morning, she needed to update her chart and check her vitals. But all she could think about was the glares that Callie had been shooting her way for a few days, and that was enough for her to suddenly get so nervous that she didn't even want to enter the room. Arizona stood for another second, glancing around the rest of the PICU that was quiet at night, before finally walking into the room and heading to the other side of the bed across from Callie.
Arizona lifted the chart from the end of the bed and could see Callie was now looking up at her. She tried to focus on what she was doing, grabbing a pen from her pocket and looking up at the numbers on the screen before jotting them down into the chart. She read through the pain meds that had been administered throughout the day before flipping the chart closed. Her eyes raised to look at the girl in the bed but fell upon Callie as though a magnet had dragged them towards her, the other woman now staring back at the back at the book as her fingers flicked through the pages. Arizona didn't know how long she stood looking at her, but it was long enough for Callie to look back up, their eyes meeting. It felt like a shock down Arizona's spine to have Callie looking at her. Really, properly, looking at her.
"What?" Callie asked after a second, her voice low and monotonous. Arizona tried to force the frown that was fighting its way onto her forehead away, instead her nose scrunching up. Callie just looked at her for a second more before turning back to the book, Arizona's eyes glancing to the book as well and reading the cover.
"So you're still going strong with your cartilage research, that's good. Any major Harper Avery sized steps yet?" Arizona asked, her voice coming out light and bouncy. This was good, Arizona thought to herself. This was calm, relaxed and super friendly. This was what she aimed for. This was what she had wanted for weeks. Arizona watched Callie ignore her for what felt like minutes, but in reality was it probably only one. She chewed on her lip to fight the sinking feeling in her stomach, her eyes searching the woman in a hope she would see the one she's in love with, "Alex is doing well. It's nice that you still come and see her, she likes you. She was telling me the other day how you and her-"
"Arizona, what are you doing? What do you want?" Callie snapped, dropping the pen that was in her mouth into the book and snapping it closed. Arizona swallowed thickly as she fumbled over words, her eyes scanning Callie's tired face.
"I thought we were going to be friends." Arizona finally blurted out, a sigh following it as though she hadn't been breathing. Callie just frowned at Arizona. A deep, furrowed and very clear frown. It made Arizona squirm on the spot and the longer they stayed in the silence the harder she felt her heart beating in her chest.
"You want to talk about this now? In the middle of the night after we've both been working insanely long shifts and we're both exhausted. And you want to talk about this now?"
"Well, we're not speaking about it at any other times, so yeah. I want to talk about this now."
"Okay. I tried being friends, rising above… I tried that and now I'm over it-"
"When did you try being friends, you haven't spoken to me." Arizona mumbled, but clearly not loud enough because Callie kept talking in a hushed tone like she didn't hear a thing.
"I'm going to go with the more traditional route, of totally hating your guts." Callie snapped, tucking the book under her arm as she pushed herself up from the chair. Arizona stood frozen to the spot, her brow furrowing and her mouth fumbling over words that she didn't even know. Callie threw one last glance down to Alex in the bed before walking towards the sliding doors, looking over her shoulder when Arizona finally managed to get her lips to say something.
"Seriously?"
"Seriously."
/
DAY 30
"I hate the holidays."
Arizona flashed a lopsided smile at Joe when he appeared in front of them, tequila bottle in hand, and refilled the two empty shot glasses. Arizona didn't know how many times he had done that, all she knew was her hand was reaching for the glass yet again and she was shoving the other towards Teddy who was sat grumbling under her breath. Teddy threw her head back with a groan after making the comment before regretting it when she nearly tumbled off the stool, gripping onto Arizona before giggling to herself about how drunk she was. They both were. Ridiculously and overwhelmingly drunk.
"I hate Callie." Arizona commented as she lifted the shot and knocked it back, feeling the liquid slide down her throat with less protest that the first ones had given. She scooped her wine up a second later and took a large mouthful, washing it around her mouth before swallowing. From the corner of her eyes she watched Teddy knock back her own shot before she started to giggle.
"Is she still not speaking to you?" Teddy asked as she sipped from her gin and tonic, glancing around the bar that was starting to quieten down after the heavy period. Arizona just shook her head for a second as she spun her wine glass around, shrugging her shoulders weakly.
"She said she was going to hate my guts, Teddy," Arizona mumbled sadly, the tequila mixing with her sadness and creating a deadly cocktail and path that Arizona didn't particularly want to walk down, but she couldn't feel herself doing it anyway.
"She's angry, that's all. See it from her point of view, you kissed her in an elevator and then took off for a month. She was probably confused about the kiss for a while and then without you here it probably made her angry."
"I know, but I just- I needed a break. I needed to be away from her. I felt like I was… It was suffocating seeing her after we broke up. She was everywhere, all the time. And every time I looked at her I wanted to kiss her and then I finally did and I thought it would be amazing and perfect and incredible, and it was, but it was also horrible and painful because she was everywhere but I couldn't have her. And now that I come back she's nowhere. I never see her. And when I do all I can think of is her hating my stupid guts. And it makes me angry. So now I hate the holidays too."
"I want someone to love me the way you love her." Teddy spoke, her voice oozing a sadness that made Arizona look away from her wine and to the woman next to her. Arizona's mouth dropped slightly when she took in the image of Teddy's eyes filling with tears, her bottom lips blubbering out like a small child as she still managed to lift her gin and tonic, finishing the last of it and waving her hand about to signal Joe for a refill once again.
"Teddy…"
"Henry invited me around to his friend's house for Thanksgiving, you know? He rang me yesterday and casually slipped it into conversation and for a second I considered it. I thought it would be nice to spend today around a group of people, eating a proper meal and having nice conversation. Then I remembered that he's not my boyfriend, he's just my husband of one month."
"So are you sad that you don't have a boyfriend, that Henry isn't your boyfriend, or that you're here getting drunk with me and not with Henry and his friends?"
"I don't even know. I'm just sad and this stupid day makes me even sadder." Teddy huffed as lifted the tequila glass that was filled once more, looking to Arizona for mutual support. Arizona glanced at the small glass and scrunched her face up in disgust, wondering whether her lunch was going to remain in her stomach after the shot. She looked at Teddy's sad eyes once more before lifting the shot and swallowing the drink, waiting for a second before just nodding.
"Yeah, that's not staying down."
"Happy Thanksgiving."
/
DAY 31
Arizona stood staring in the mirror in front of her. She glanced at the dark circles that were under her eyes, sleep having become an issue after she forced down four more shots in solidarity to Teddy only to bring them back up an hour later when they managed to stumble into Arizona's apartment. She had spent the night curled around the toilet, refusing to move when the cold surface of her bathroom floor was the only thing that would stop her stomach from churning the ocean of tequila that swayed about it in. She had woken to find Teddy hanging off her couch, grunts coming from her mouth and groans echoing through the apartment every time the woman moved any part of her body. They had both chugged down three mugs of coffee before they even left the apartment, before heading into the ER and administering the other with a banana bag to cure the hangover that was plaguing them.
Arizona glanced down at her phone when it vibrated, reading the message that her labs had come back and her blood-alcohol level was fine. She glanced back into the mirror and scrunched her face up when she took in the sight of her sickly hungover face. The banana bag was finally kicking in and her stomach had stopped churning an hour ago. She flicked the taps on and began to wash her hands, looking up when one of the stall doors opened behind her after a flush and Callie appeared. Arizona wanted to groan out loud. She wanted to look to sky and shout, but instead she looked back down to her hands and focused on the soap she was running over her hands. Callie's voice broke through the silence a second later, startling Arizona and making her jump.
"What happened?" Arizona looked up to Callie in confusion, waiting for a second before Calling nodded her head to the banana bag that was inserted into Arizona's arm and hanging next to her.
"Oh, uhm, tequila. Last night. It was just to help with the hangover but it's mostly passed now. Me and Teddy went to Joe's and…"
Arizona trailed off when she noticed Callie was no longer listening to her. Her interest dissolving when she realised the blonde wasn't in any serious harm. Arizona clenched her jaw as she watched Callie dry her hands quickly, binning the paper towel before turning and heading for the door. Arizona clenched her jaw harder to fight the words that were bubbling up her throat like sick, but it wasn't enough.
"I don't deserve this, okay?" Arizona snapped, watching as Callie stopped walking and turned around to her. Arizona felt her mouth dry up in a way that she knew wouldn't have been possible if it wasn't for the banana bag.
"What?"
"I have treated you with nothing but respect, and love and-"
"No, see, that's the thing. You think you have, but you haven't." Callie snapped, an anger coming from her voice that Arizona hadn't expected. Arizona turned to face the other woman, watching as Callie shoved her hand into her pockets after having waved her arms about for a second of anger. Arizona sighed deeply as she licked her lips, shrugging her shoulders after a second.
"I'm sure that it feels great to act like I'm the bad guy, but that's the biggest load of you know what that I've ever head." Arizona snapped as she grabbed some paper towels began to dry her hands. The entire bathroom was between them but Arizona was pretty sure that the anger which was now emanating from both of them needed that space. Arizona watched as Callie lifted her hand to her face, rubbing her eyes as a small laugh came out of mouth. The blonde clenched her jaw as she listened to the laugh, trying to ignore the snide sound. When Callie stopped rubbing her eyes she looked straight ahead, her eyes something that Arizona had never seen. It made her legs feel weak.
"I have spent the last month trying to convince myself that I don't need kids to be happy, really trying. Giving lectures to myself, saying it out loud to you and to Mark, and turning myself inside out to want what you wanted. And then I stopped for a second and I thought, did you ever imagine what it would be like to change for me? Because I don't think you did. What you did was you dismissed my dream. My dream. Which says to me that you don't give a rat's ass if I'm happy. I never understood squat about who you are. And now I do… and I don't like it."
Arizona felt like the wind had been knocked out of her. By a train. A really big, really fast train had ran straight into her lungs and was stopping her from breathing. She felt her eyes beginning to burn from the tears she was fighting back, her hands needing to do something to distract herself and beginning to fumble with her IV to remove it. She didn't want to cry. She had never cared about crying before, in fact she used to feel safe whenever she cried around Callie, but right now she was using every ounce of strength she had not to cry. Arizona looked back to Callie a second later, her shoulders shrugging weakly.
"Was I supposed to change for you? Why, because we're in love? I mean, you fall in love all the time. Men. Women."
"Really, Arizona, you're-"
Callie's shout was cut off by the sound of a pager beeping from a stall, a flush following it before Teddy walked out with a sheepish look on her face and her banana bag following behind her. She looked in a considerably worse state that Arizona, a sickly white sheen covering her face. Callie glanced between the two women, her frown deepening even further.
"I swear I wasn't deliberately listening. I came in here because it's quiet and then you both came in and there was yelling and stuff, and I just didn't want to pop out in the middle of… You know, that."
The three women stood in silence for a second, all of them swapping glances and none of them wanting to break the silence. Arizona wanted the ground to give way and swallow her up. Just as she finished pulling her IV out, stopping the small amount of blood with a paper towel, the bathroom door burst open. Lexie ran in, colliding with Callie for a second and stumbling as she breathed heavy from running.
"Dr Robbins, there's something wrong with Alex Anderson, Dr Karev sent me to find you."
Arizona dropped the bloody paper towel into the bin before turning on her heel and rushing out of the toilets, leaving Teddy, Callie and the conversation behind.
/
Arizona flicked the water on and placed her hands under, snatching a soap from the box on ledge as she watched the bubbles begin to appear on her hands. She peered up through the window to see Lexie pushing Alex's bed out with some nurses, telling them which room in the PICU to take her. Arizona watched for a second before looking back down to her hands. She was so tired she felt like she could cry. She wanted to go home and climb into her and sleep for days. She was thinking about what she was going to eat quickly before she slept when the scrub room door shot open and Callie stormed in.
"When are you going to forgive me for not being a good enough lesbian for you?" Callie snapped as she closed the door behind her. Arizona just looked at her for a second before looking back at her hands. She didn't want to do this right now, she didn't particularly want to do it at all.
"Callie, I really don't want to argue right now. I'm tired, I've just been in a really long surgery and-"
"I'm not arguing with you, I'm asking you a question. When are you going to forgive me for not being a good enough lesbian? When am I going to be up to your magical standards?"
"When you do something to convince me that you're falling in love with me and not with being in love. When you do something to convince me that I'm different than George O'Malley, Erica Hahn, Mark Sloan or the girl at the coffee cart," Arizona snapped, her voice coming out scratched from her hoarse throat after being sick. She sighed weakly as she rinsed the soap from her hands and grabbed a towel, turning to face Callie who had her arms crossed over her chest, "I mean, you have a huge heart, and I love that about you. But I don't trust you. Why would I?"
Arizona dropped the towel from her hand into the waste bin before pushing past Callie, her body touching Callie's for the first time in a very long time. Arizona didn't the feel the sparks she had been expecting to feel when she had spent weeks longing to touch her, instead she felt like she been had burnt as she stormed her way to the attending's lounge. She slammed the door closed behind, leaning against it for a second with her eyes closed, before pushing off it and heading to where her bag sat on the couch. She had only managed to get her scrubs top off and was halfway through pulling on her shirt when the door swung open and Callie appeared like a storm once more.
"You think you don't deserve me ignoring, well I didn't deserve that. I made it clear you were different, Arizona. I showed you by loving you."
"Loving me? You said you never understood anything about me, how could you love me?" Arizona snapped as she tugged at the bottom of the shirt and pulled it down, grabbing her joggers that were on the couch. She glanced at Callie for a second before pulling her scrub pants off, ignoring the burn of Callie's eyes on her as she pulled her joggers on quickly. Arizona perched down on the edge of couch to throw things back into her bag that had fallen out when she grabbed the clothes, looking up to see Callie sighing and running her hands through her hair, her feet beginning to pace a small distance on the other side of the table that was in between them. It wasn't for another minute or so, and lots of pacing for Callie, that she finally spoke, her voice sounding tired but softer than it had been.
"You think joining the army is awesome, Arizona. When George died you wanted to work and didn't even stop for a second to think that maybe everyone else didn't want to. When my father showed up to disinfect you from my life you were perfectly fine with it and you just expected me to be as well. Whenever something happens you bring doughnuts, every damn day. George died and all you did was being me doughnuts. That's why I don't understand you, Arizona. Because I don't understand any of that. I don't understand the way you think. I don't understand how-"
"I brought you doughnuts because I didn't know what to say. I didn't know how to talk to you about George because you never let me feel like I could. I didn't know where I stood. You pushed me out. You made me feel like I was this whole new part of your life. And for a period of time that was great, I loved it, until it wasn't so great anymore. You never let me into the other parts of your life so I didn't know what to do, I didn't know how to help you. You always did that, Callie. You would kiss me and tell me everything was fine, but then run away to Mark and tell him the truth. You told him everything you should have been telling me. How do you think that makes me feel? How am I supposed to trust you? I brought you doughnuts because it was the only thing I could think of. It was the only way I could be in your life without you screaming at me for not understanding something you would never let me understand."
"Mark is my friend, Arizona. I speak to him the same way you speak to Teddy." Arizona couldn't fight the snort that left her mouth as she lifted her scrubs and threw them into the disposal bin next to her, grabbing her bag and throwing it onto her shoulder. Arizona could see Callie's narrowing eyes looking at her. She let out a deep sigh as she ran her hands through her hair and tugged it out from under the bags strap.
"When you realised that I didn't want kids, who did you speak to?"
"What?" Callie snapped, her face turning angry at her confusion.
"Who was the first person you had a conversation with after I told you I didn't want children?" Arizona asked again, watching as Callie started her pacing again and shrugged her shoulders before answering.
"I don't know, Mark probably."
"Exactly, Mark. I say I don't want kids and you speak to Mark about it, not me. Where is the sense in that? Because the last time I checked he wasn't in this relationship. You don't speak to him the way I speak to Teddy, you speak to him the way I used to speak to you, Calliope."
"So I'm not allowed to have friends? What, are you jealous of Mark now?" Callie asked, her voice snapping in a childish way and angering Arizona, causing her to throw her hands up in the air and raise her voice for the first time, Callie flinching slightly at the sound.
"Of course I'm jealous of him, Callie! I'd have to be insane not to be. He gets all of you. He gets the parts of you that you would never let me have. He's everything to you that I should have been. Of course I'm jealous of him, I'd be jealous of anyone who gets to have you that way."
"Arizona…" Callie spoke, her voice the softest it had been throughout the entire conversation. Arizona bit the inside of her lip when she noticed her eyes had glazed over with tears.
"No, you know maybe you were right with the whole ignoring thing. Maybe it's just too hard for some people to be friends after they've been more. Maybe it's just easier if we're not, if we just work together and that's it."
Arizona watched Callie bob her mouth open for a second, the other woman not managing a single word as Arizona walked past her and headed for the door, closing it behind her and wiping tears from her cheeks as she walked down the corridor.
/
