A/N: This is mid-Eclipse through the end of Breaking Dawn from Edward's perspective. Thanks for reading!
These characters are not mine and all belong to Stephenie Meyer.
"The bed? I think it's nice." It was a pivotal part of the setting in most of my fantasies.
"It's unnecessary," she gasped.
Leg Hitch (Eclipse)
I panicked when we returned to the car and I saw I had a voicemail from Alice. I focused on not crushing the phone in my hand as I held it to my ear.
But it wasn't Alice.
"You are in trouble," Bella said slowly, emphasizing each word. "Enormous trouble. Angry grizzly bears are going to look tame next to what is waiting for you at home.
The others easily heard the message and Emmett's booming laugh was almost painful in the small space, but I was laughing too. We all were.
"Does she not realize that even on a human scale she's not even remotely intimidating?" Emmett asked.
"True, but she brings this guy to his knees," Jasper said gesturing towards me. "You should be scared, Edward."
"Just wait until she's changed, Emmett," Carlisle said, quietly. "She'll be stronger than you."
I gave Emmett a smug look.
No way she could take me, he thought. Plus, she could be ten times stronger than me and you still wouldn't let her fight.
"Let her? She'll be able to hold her own. I wouldn't dare get in her way." Normally I cringed from the idea of Bella with vivid red eyes and icy white skin. But sweet, delicate Bella knocking Emmett onto his ass was probably the funniest thing I could imagine. That and his face afterwards.
"That temper's going to get her into trouble, though," Jasper said.
"Hm," Emmet replied. He might be right. No. He's not factoring in Edward enough. There's no way he let's her screw up.
"Not factoring me into what, Emmett?" I asked, suspicious.
Leave it to Emmett, Jasper thought, annoyed.
Oh. We sort of have a bet... thought Emmett.
"What kind of bet?"
I saw it in both of their minds then and hissed angrily. "You're both disgusting."
Do I want to know? Carlisle thought.
"They're betting on how many people Bella will kill in her first year. Rose is in on it to," I tattled, knowing Carlisle would be almost as upset about the bet as I was.
I was right, but he didn't betray much of it in his voice. "It will be all of our responsibility to make sure that number is zero."
I played Bella's voicemail in my head again and again, but its power to comfort me weakened and my anxiety reclaimed me. We weren't even headed home yet, just headed to another part of the reserve.
Jasper's phone buzzed and Alice's text brought me somewhat outside of my brooding abstraction. "Sh," it said. It was her shorthand for him to call her privately, away from my intrusive abilities.
I was suspicious. What if something had happened to Bella and she didn't want to tell me?
I wanted very badly to ask Jasper to call her right now so I would know for certain Bella was safe, but I bit my tongue. I had to trust Alice would have texted me if there was a problem.
The talents Alice and I possessed were complimentary. Individually we were formidable protectors of our family, but working in concert, especially as practiced as we were at it, we approached omniscience. We had forged a strong bond due to our dependence on one another and through our shared understanding of the burden of such gifts.
Aside from Bella, Alice knew me better than anyone and was easily my best friend.
But lately, since Bella entered my life, the scales had tipped. I needed Alice more than ever to keep Bella safe and I was fairly shameless in my over-reliance on her. It helped, of course, that she loved Bella too.
Still, I knew I was pushing it. Not with Alice, but with Jasper.
I could understand his perspective. I imagined how I would feel if someone in my family was overly-dependent on Bella, always stressing her with assignments and foul moods and robbing me of the precious time I had with her.
It wasn't that Jasper didn't see Bella as part of our family. It was just that he often disagreed with my methods and, more importantly, disapproved of the excessive pressure I put on Alice when caught up in what he described a my "paranoia."
So, wasn't it the least I could do to not pry into the reason behind his private communication with his wife? I was just being paranoid after all.
"Can you drop me here, Carlisle?" Jasper asked. "I need to call Alice before we're out of range. I'll catch up to you soon."
I tried to distract myself from my suspicions by thinking about Bella. The beautiful and mysterious brown eyes and the anxious 'v' that formed between them. Her soft pink lips. Dark flowing hair. The delicate skin of her neck. The sweet, violent scent of her blood beneath it. The lovely, subtle curves of her body. The forbidden fantasy of how it - her soft, warm, smooth skin - would feel directly against mine.
At that thought, I was assaulted both by butterflies and my own reproach. It was important I not linger too long on the temptation that was Bella Swan's body.
So, now I was back to wallowing in my anxieties.
There was the threat of the Volturi. The chaos in Seattle. All the mundane threats of the human world that could befall Bella.
And there was another type of threat. Jacob Black.
With that thought rushed forward the images from his "good memory." Images of Bella suffering in my absence.
These images stirred other painful images. Bella sitting in a pile of glass. Bella writhing in pain in the ballet studio. Bella in hysterics after our narrow escape from Volterra.
And Jacob Black again in Alice's memory of their departure to rescue me - how Bella, my Bella, had kissed his palm before sprinting towards the Mercedes to rescue me.
And Jacob Black again in the woods outside her house. His mind revealing what had only been a crush before I'd left had blossomed into a deep and nuanced love and friendship. Bella reaching out to him clearly feeling... something. Was it love? Romantic love as she loved me? Was that why she had disregarded my warnings and run to him before?
My kind was capable of thinking of many things at once. But with my gifts, my capacity was even greater. I had decades of practice balancing many streams of thought simultaneously. While useful at times, I was certain it made my anxiety worse.
As soon as Carlisle parked the car, I bolted without a word, eager to numb my mind as I gave myself to the hunt.
"I don't know, I just don't get what you see in mountain lions," Emmett complained.
"I'm so sorry they weren't better wrestling partners for you," I muttered.
An idea occurred to him then, but before I could become his wrestling partner, I had sprung 30 feet up to a tree branch while he dove at where I had been not a second ago. His body forcefully hit the soil, leaving a long deep trench behind him as he skid.
"I had actually been impressed you managed to not dirty your shirt today, but now here you are face and all in the mud," I laughed, more freely than I thought possible with Bella so far away.
Emmett growled and slung a bowling ball sized clump of damp soil towards me. I dodged it easily as I dropped from the branch.
"It's futile," I said.
"Naw, I hear Jasper coming. We'll double team you."
I smirked. "I still like my odds."
I heard Jasper as well and realized why I had pulled somewhat out of my sour mood. Feeding had helped too of course. As well as the anticipation of being with Bella again - it would be straight home from here.
Jasper and Carlisle were deeply focused as they approached. Carlisle was savoring the green of the trees and the golden sunlight that danced through the leaves sporadically. He pictured how lovely Esme's skin would look in that sunlight. Jasper was recalling dates. Effortlessly calculating the amount of time that had passed since certain milestones he shared with Alice. They were bizarrely trivial - the amount of time that had passed since they'd visited Europe, how long it had been since they'd gone sailing, the number of days from their first hunting trip together.
Had this been the reason behind Alice's call? Had she alluded to some strange anniversary he was expected to know. It wasn't completely out of character, I supposed.
I had been so absorbed in their thoughts, trying to calm my earlier suspicions, that I realized only a millisecond too late what Emmett intended. He knocked me to the ground and we crashed into a large oak. The roots pulled up from the ground with our momentum and then resettled as we rolled off of it.
We both sprang to our feet, but almost as quickly I delivered a swift kick to the backs of his knees, which buckled, causing him to fall face forward into the ground once again.
I howled with laughter for a moment before I had to move again. He wanted his revenge.
Carlisle and Jasper arrived then. They couldn't help but laugh as Emmett's fury grew and we battled, a grizzly versus a mountain lion.
After a few minutes I became bored and restless. "Can you just surrender now?" I asked arrogantly. "I'd really like to get home to Bella."
Bella.
Jasper's guard dropped. And then I heard his memory of Alice's voice distorted through the phone.
She took off!, she'd said, panicked. "I wasn't 100 feet away. But what was I supposed to do, run 60 miles per hour to go rip her off the back of Jacob Black's motorcycle in front of half the student body?"
A furious growl ripped through my chest. Without thinking I turned to bolt, planning to run straight La Push where I would teach that nasty dog the last lesson he would ever learn.
But in the time I'd frozen, taking in Jasper's thoughts, Emmett had already begun his cannonball.
"Gotcha!" He shouted gleefully, where he pinned me.
He caught sight of my furious face and almost dropped his hold but Jasper was quicker.
"Emmett, hold on," Jasper commanded.
"What the hell's going on?" Emmett asked.
Despite his confusion, he listened to Jasper, not minding so much that he could continue to show off his victory of taking me down singlehandedly.
"Get the fuck off of me, Emmett," I snarled.
"Bella went back to La Push," Carlisle answered.
Oh, Emmett thought, Yea, sorry bro, you're staying right here. That was way too close last time.
"How did she get past Alice, though?" Emmett asked.
"Jacob took advantage of her inability to see the wolves," Jasper said. "He showed up at the school on his bike and shouted for Bella to make a run for it right there in front of everyone. Bella was just as surprised as Alice, which is why it worked."
What was Alice supposed to do, Edward? Jasper thought, mirroring Alice's words from the phone. While her tone had been panicked, his was mildly threatening.
But I didn't care. I was snarling profanities at them. Furious at them for holding me here. Even if I could break free from Emmett, I saw Carlisle and Jasper were tensed to assist.
I was furious at them. At Alice. At Jacob Black. At Sam Uley for not keeping his litter in check. At Charlie for always pressuring Bella to love the dog.
At myself most of all for even making this situation a reality in the first place.
And I was, once again, furious with Bella. Furious that she would endanger herself. Furious that she seemed so inclined to do the exact opposite of what I needed her to do. Furious that she had chosen him. No, run to him to be swept away on his motorcycle. Furious she had once again erased her future.
I no longer fought against Emmett's hold. Jasper was trying to calm me and of course I knew I could not get past all three of them. At least not now when they were most expecting it.
I guess I was calm. It felt more hollow.
Emmett was frustrated. He viewed Bella as his little sister and he was angry she was making dumb choices. He also seemed not so far from me in his desire to take on Jacob, especially as he pictured her on that damn motorcycle.
Carlisle was thinking more broadly. He was thinking to himself, but was quite aware I would be tuned in. Our family. When she disappears, Edward disappears, then Emmett, then Rosalie, and so on.
He was remembering how, when she had gotten past us last time, Alice watched all of our futures disappear. It wasn't shocking that I or Emmett would go, or even Rosalie, who would eagerly fight by Emmett's side to keep him safe. But he had been momentarily confused that Alice, Jasper, himself, and, worst of all, Esme had disappeared as well. Of course they had. It would be a war. The pack would come for us all once provoked. Our lives and their blood.
And what would become of Bella if you were harmed? He asked, his thoughts directed at me now. If Jacob were harmed? She'd be devastated and left without her fiercest defenders against the evils that we introduced to her world. Would it all be worth it over a fit of jealousy?
"Jealousy?" I spat in response to his thought. Jasper and Emmett froze at the suddenness of my venom soaked voice.
I could see it now. Carlisle was disappointed in me. It was a terrible thing to disappoint Carlisle and not since I'd rebelled against our vegetarian lifestyle all those decades ago had Carlisle shown this level of disappointment.
"Yes," he said evenly, not at all intimidated by my murderous glare. It's made you blind. It's caused you to put your pain ahead of the interests of this family. "Even above Bella's wishes. Her safety. Look at the extremes you've pushed her to."
As I shook my head in denial. "It's about her safety!"
Jasper sighed. "Last time she went and now again, yes there's fear and concern, but you know it yourself and you can see it in my mind. It all comes down to your jealousy."
"And you know better than anyone that the wolves protected her again and again when we did not," Carlisle added.
Honestly, I think his jealousy is justified, but he keeps forcing her to choose. And sometimes, she's choosing - He winced and tried to redirect his thoughts.
"Choosing what, Emmett?" I snapped.
"It's just that... maybe you should try to play it cool. The girl has a rebellious streak. Look at how seriously she takes Charlie's rules. I hate to admit Carlisle's right, but the wolves did keep her safe. Be her partner." Not her parent - parent isn't a sexy look, he added unnecessarily.
"But I can't see her when she's there or know if or when she'll back. And if something were to happen, my hands are tied. What if she went, but never came back? How long would I have to wait until a war would be justified? 12 hours, 16 hours, a day?" The anger had seeped away and my voice just sounded hopeless. Pathetic and hopeless.
"Alice sees it clear as day, Edward," Jasper said. She will choose you and she will become one of us. "The wolves will keep her safe and she will come back."
"You don't know that," I murmured. "No one knows that."
"She had over six months to choose Jacob and she never did," Emmett asserted.
"And she was ready to pay her life to save you in Italy," Jasper said. "How can you so often accuse her of underestimating your devotion when you so regularly do the same to her?"
I didn't want to see sense in their words as we drove home. I didn't want to process Carlisle's disappointment, Jasper's accusation, or worst of all Emmett's thoughts that I was forcing Bella to choose and she wasn't always choosing me. That Jacob Black could become a confidant - if he hadn't already - for her to vent her frustrations about her over-bearing boyfriend.
Carlisle was right. I'd been blind. Hadn't I seen this movie a hundred times? Been subjected to the monotonous thoughts of countless insecure and over-bearing men who ultimately lost the girl?
And of course I knew of Bella's attraction to danger. What was more dangerous and exciting than sneaking off from a powerful coven of vampires and into the arms of that dog on a motorcycle into a place I couldn't follow.
I sighed and shook my head. I knew she didn't see it that way. Consciously at least.
But regardless, I needed to turn down the temperature. If I could meet her halfway, maybe she would do the same in return. I could... I would let her go her own way, but with some safety precautions.
It would be excruciating to watch her go and to see her future - our future - vanish from Alice's head once again. But I would need to bear it and focus on a longer term strategy. Losing her for a couple hours would be nothing compared to the pain of her turning away from me forever. Or worse hurting herself because I couldn't respect her will.
And I did need to do right by my family. They had given so much in the past months to protect Bella and support me in my choice to be with her. Alice most of all.
My phone buzzed. My cell service had been inconsistent throughout the drive so I figured we'd been out of range for a while when several messages tumbled in at once.
- I see her coming now on her bike. She'll make it safe.
- She's here. Soaking wet, but safe. Sent her for a hot shower. Looked upset. Didn't want to talk about it.
- I'm so sorry I didn't call you earlier. But no matter how I did it, I saw your future disappear. They wouldn't have been fast enough to stop you. Only way was through Jasper or not at all.
- Please don't take back the Porsche. :'(
I let out a sigh of relief. Bella was safe. She was home.
"All is well?" Jasper asked aloud for for Emmett and Carlisle's sake. We had all been worried and he had, of course, picked up on my change of mood. I gave a small nod.
I decided right then I would let go of my anger with Alice for Bella's... departure with Jacob Black. It truly wasn't her fault. And she thought I'd take back the Porsche? What kind of monster had I been to her lately that she thought I would take back a gift?
I didn't reply to Alice's texts. She saw me read them, I'm sure, and she must have also seen me chastise her for thinking I would take back her gift. She would see an apology too, I decided then.
My phone buzzed.
- ty. yea you suck, but no apologies needed.
I laughed to myself and Emmett rolled his eyes at me. He never understood how my emotions could swing between such extremes.
My thoughts wandered back to Alice's second text. Looked upset. Pondering that could easily occupy my thoughts for the long hours still left in the car.
Bella had returned home - I got an unreasonable amount of satisfaction thinking of my home as hers as well - alone on her bike, looking upset. Upset with Jacob Black? What if she had finally realized what an obnoxious, vulgar ass he was?
No. I couldn't get my hopes up like that. They always fought. Like an old married couple, I thought with a frown. And she always forgave.
What if he'd hurt her? But Alice had said she looked safe. What if he had forced himself on her physically in some way? My muscles tensed at the thought. The sudden rage had me mentally dismembering his body.
Are you looking to slaughter anyone in the immediate vehicle or can I go back to ignoring your mood swings? Jasper asked dryly, unable to ignore my sudden murderous rage.
I didn't respond, but took a few deep breaths.
What if nothing was wrong in La Push? What if it was returning that had made her upset? What if he had declared his love for her and she hers? And now she was left tie up loose ends. Say goodbyes.
No, Alice would have mentioned our future vanishing like that.
Jasper sighed loudly, annoyed to be dragged down in my deep despair while he simultaneously absorbed the waves of lust rolling off of Emmett. Only Carlisle was a good companion for him.
Edward, Carlisle suddenly thought, I was harsh earlier and I'm sorry. You have been endlessly loyal and essential to this family. None of us can imagine what you are going through and you deserve only compassion.
"No, you were right. I needed that. I see more clearly now," I murmured quietly.
Emmett sighed, annoyed at my mysterious conversation.
Jasper thought only of Alice. He had decided enough was enough and the anticipation and hopeful longing he had of seeing her in just a few short hours radiated away from him and onto us.
Though the theories still spun in the back of my head, mostly, I just saw Bella. I pictured her curled up and sleeping peacefully in the large bed I had bought her, her hair fanned out wildly around her. I imagined her steady heart and her soft breaths. I savored the memory of her intoxicating scent. I pictured her beautiful brown eyes opening to find me there tomorrow morning.
So often in the past, before I'd met Bella, the drive home with Carlisle and my brothers could be somewhat difficult. The three would long for their lovers' eyes and arms while I casually planned a well-timed run the minute we returned home.
Now, I often had the joy of running to Bella. But it was strange that this time she would be there in my home. In my room. In our bed.
The fantasies assaulted me with full force then, but I pushed them back down into their simmering corner. It just wasn't possible now.
I focused on Bella's heartbeat as Carlisle made his way down the long drive. I was impatient to see her face and inspect it for myself, hoping I would find no signs of injury there or anywhere else.
I was not surprised to see Rose waiting for us in the garage. But I was surprised she met my eyes when normally, after a long trip, she only had eyes for Emmett.
Honestly, I was trying to help, Rose thought defensively.
I looked back at her confused and suspicious.
Then I saw her memories. My room illuminated by the moon. Bella on the couch listening intently.
Rose had shared her story.
I may have scared her here and there, but she's pretty tough.
I thought over what she shared. Lingering on her memory of Bella's startled expression as Rose made her case. "You have a whole life ahead of you - everything I want. And you're going to just throw it away. Can't you see that I'd trade everything I have to be you? You have the choice that I didn't have, and you're choosing wrong!"
Objectively, I knew Rose was being truthful. She really was trying to help. I could see that when she had finally resolved to talk to Bella she had felt a sense of alliance with me. And with Bella as a woman. Everything she had said, it seemed, was good for my cause to protect Bella's soul.
Yet, this did nothing for my insecurities.
At the moment, Bella was choosing me - for the most part.
...you're choosing wrong, Rose had told her.
I had to fight irrational feelings of betrayal, as if Rose had acted with the intention of stealing away my happiness. Even knowing for certain that her intentions had been good, I still felt uneasy about someone as volatile as Rose on my PR team.
She gave me a rundown of the conversation. But what had she left out? The one anecdote that would send Bella away on Jacob Black's motorcycle and make her upset to come back here?
Despite my paranoid musings I gave her a slight nod.
You're not mad then?
I shook my head no. And then, remembering my vow in the car to be more appreciative of my family's sacrifices, I said, "Thank you."
Jasper and Alice, who had been staring deeply into each others eyes, became interested in our exchange. Rose and my relationship had hit an all time low when Bella had joined our family. It hadn't improved significantly in the short time that had passed.
Emmett was disappointed Rose hadn't swept him off his feet first thing and carried him up to their bedroom.
Oh also, Rose suddenly remembered. I realized there's a lot you didn't tell her. About me. So... "Thank you for being such a gentlemen."
Our siblings' eyes widened in shock as Rose and I shared a small smile.
I could even hear surprise in the thoughts of Carlisle and Esme in the house. The quiet exchange had been peculiar enough to disrupt their sweet reunion.
Emmett grew impatient then and playfully threw Rose over his shoulder. She shrieked and they both laughed as he sprinted out of the garage. I was grateful that he beelined for the woods and not their bedroom for what he had planned.
I made my way to the door and then froze. There was Bella's motorcycle. I'd seen it once before. It was an unimpressive little red thing caked in mud.
"Meet me in the house," Alice whispered to Jasper.
She walked over to stand next to me and stared at it, too.
"Please don't take my Porsche back," she pouted. "I haven't even driven it yet."
"You know I would never do that. I'm sure you can see that," I said, annoyed.
"Yes, that's your decision now." But it's coming out of nowhere - this playing it nice thing. Not being angry your 100 lb. human girlfriend managed to get away from me. Whatever that was with Rose... I wonder if it can last. Especially when you see it for yourself.
"What happened exactly?" I asked with forced calm.
Alice remembered running outside the cafeteria as Bella's future when blank. She caught sight of Jacob Black. Closer were Bella and Mike Newton.
"I got really sick and went home, okay?" She said excitedly to Mike Newton.
"Fine," he muttered.
Alice remembered Bella kissing Mike Newton on the cheek. "Thanks, Mike. I owe you one!"
My growl cut off Alice's memory. Why the hell had she done that? Was she kissing Jacob Black on the cheek, too?
"Sorry," Alice muttered. "I thought you'd want to know everything..."
I sighed and waved my hand for her to go on.
She remembered Bella sprinting for Jacob Black. I winced as she jumped on the back of his bike, her legs wrapping around his hips, her arms around his waist. Her body was pressed right against his. Not a millimeter between them.
As he drove off she wore a huge smile and her hair had whipped behind them.
I ground my teeth together. I knew Jacob Black wouldn't forget that memory. No man would.
But I needed to calm down and focus on Alice. I could not flip-flop in this moment of rage. I needed to prove that my new perspective would last.
"Even when I was..." a furious, jealous monster... "most upset earlier, I never would have taken the car back. It's a gift. And yes, the timing of the delivery coincided with the favors I was asking you, but ultimately I promised it to you back in Volterra when you saved our lives. I will always be in debt to you for that - many Porches over."
"That's true. I never saw you take it back, But..." She remembered a vision of me running it into a tree. It was only a small possibility, but it was there.
"Well, I never consciously considered it," I said, my voice clearly ashamed. "Which reminds me that I owe you an apology. I'm so sorry, Alice, for asking so much of you lately and for rarely expressing my gratitude. I - "
"I already told you. Apologies are unnecessary. You know I love her and I want her safe." For her sake, but also for yours. It would kill me to lose you. It would kill all of us, even Rose.
"Well then, thank you," I said earnestly.
"You've said that a lot tonight."
I sighed and glared at the little motorcycle.
Alice noticed my change of expression and remembered seeing Bella coming home in her visions first and then with her own eyes when she had finally pulled into the garage. I cringed at the vision of Bella flying down the highway without a helmet on. Her hair and clothes were soaked through and I worried that she could get sick from such exposure.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Alice remembered asking Bella.
"Nope," Bella had replied. Her face was angry and hurt.
I think this is good for you, Alice thought. I can't quite see what she'll tell you. Maybe she hasn't thought to decide to tell you. But something is in your favor and not the dog's. She was talking in her sleep, ordering Jake to go away.
"She looked like she was in pain," I said. "How could that be good?"
"She's going to feel pain, Edward." One day she's going to decide to marry you and change and her friendship with Jacob can't survive that. I can't see it, but of course that will cause her pain. Look how deeply she cares for her friends. But she will do it and she will survive it.
I nodded. "Thanks again." I patted her head as I went to leave. She cut me off, bounding past me for Jasper.
Bella's heart, even in the calm of sleep, was so loud. It pulled me like a magnet up the stairs.
I opened the door and frowned. Rather than curled up in the bed as I had envisioned her, she was snuggled under the gold cover on the too narrow couch.
Gently as I could, I lifted her warm body, still tucked under the blanket, and lowered her onto the bed. She wiggled into the pillows there and sighed, but she didn't wake. Her face looked more relaxed now.
I went to adjust the blanket so that it covered Bella's feet and noticed Alice had painted her toes.
Blood red. I was momentarily mesmerized by the vivid color against her skin. A little too mesmerized maybe...
I sighed and quickly adjusted the blanket.
All I wanted was to lay beside her, but, thanks to Emmett's surprise attack, I desperately needed a shower.
Before I left the room I looked back at her. My heart felt full seeing her safe and comfortable. I wanted to keep her here forever. Always in my sight.
But I had to respect her will. I had to trust her and believe she would choose to come back. In that moment, with her present and safe, It seemed more plausible that she was truly mine as she and my family always insisted.
I was right to be on my guard about Jacob Black. I couldn't take anything for granted. But I had to be blind to see I wasn't in the lead. That unless I slipped up or made some grave error, she was mine. I had to believe that.
When I finally laid down next to her, she was murmuring in her sleep. "Edward... come back..."
I stroked her cheek as lightly as I could. "I'm here," I whispered as I ached to hold her.
"Come back."
I resisted waking her from her distress. This was a common refrain and it would pass. I kissed her forehead.
Bella's heart sped slightly from it's sleeping rhythm. She stretched and rolled over so I could no longer see her face. I contemplated moving to her other side, but she quickly rolled back over, her eyes open. I could see her searching in the darkness, confused.
"Sorry. I didn't mean to wake you," I murmured.
She tensed and I wondered if she would make good on her threat.
But not a moment later I felt a peaceful calm fall over us. A gift from Jasper, or maybe just the excess he was feeling in his loving reunion with Alice.
Bella wore a small smile now as she reached out. I offered her my hands and she pulled herself against me. I wrapped my arms around her and held her against my chest where she belonged.
Her warm, soft lips trailed up my throat and my body seemed to vibrate with electricity. I inhaled deeply as I was assaulted with the human impulses that I carefully restrained. Her lips continued their line up my to chin and then to my lips. I exhaled, not realizing I'd been holding my breath.
I kissed her softly, savoring the moment. But then I chuckled. How far was this moment from my worst imaginings.
"I was all braced for the wrath that was going to put grizzlies to shame, and this is what I get? I should infuriate you more often."
"Give me a minute to work up to it," she said, her tone teasing.
Then she was kissing me again. Her breath was intoxicating. I wanted to stay in this moment for the rest of my existence.
"I'll wait as long as you want," I whispered against her lips.
My fingers, as if of their own will, found her hair and tangled into her silky, dark locks.
Her heart pounded and her breath was uneven.
"Maybe in the morning," she panted. Her shallow breaths started to unbalance me.
"Whatever you prefer." I would be happy to speak not another word tonight if it meant only slipping further down this dangerous path.
My lips found the smooth skin of her neck. The feel of it beneath my lips...
"Welcome home," she said. "I'm glad you came back."
I smiled to myself. How had I ever imagined even for a minute she would be itching to send me away?
"That's a very good thing."
And then she softly moaned, igniting a fire deep inside of me. It was as if someone adjusted a dimmer switch on the wiser, more cautious part of my brain and something more animal asserted itself.
I remembered Emmett's words earlier. Be her partner, not her parent. It had annoyed me at the time, but maybe it was better advice than I'd given him credit before. I thought about her wrapped around Jacob Black on his bike.
My hand curved slowly around Bella's elbow, moving slowly down her arm, across her ribs and over her waist, tracing along her hip and down the fabric clinging to her leg, around her knee.
Cautiously I applied pressure to her calf, enjoying the tenderness.
I wanted to be closer to her. I wanted her to feel me. To know I desired her. But it was a bad idea...
Abruptly, the animal in me broke ranks. I pulled her leg up and hitched it around my hip.
She gasped and then stopped breathing.
The animal rejoiced at the light pressure of her inner thigh and the blazing heat of her center now pressed against me. I placed light kisses at the hollow at the base of her throat.
"Not to bring on the ire prematurely," I whispered, "but do you mind telling me what it is about this bed that you object to?"
Her face look dazed and her eyelashes fluttered as they did sometimes when she was trying to come back to herself.
I rolled to my side and pulled her on top of me, her legs straddling my body. The pressure against me. The heat...
Her panting and pounding heart egged me on. I held her face in my hands and gently angled it so that I could attend to her neck again with my eager lips.
How many times had I imagined this scene. Only with fewer clothes.
"The bed? I think it's nice." It was a pivotal part of the setting in most of my fantasies.
"It's unnecessary," she gasped.
I kissed her lips then. She clearly still needed some persuasion.
Without breaking the kiss, I rolled us until I hovered over her. Her legs were still wrapped around my hips.
I held myself carefully so that our bodies were pressed tightly together.
This feeling of being on top of her... it was as if my body had burst into flames. And her beautiful face, completely taken by lust...
Had her heart somehow sped faster? Had I ever heard it so loud?
I laughed quietly, finding deep pleasure in her reactions.
"That's debatable. This would be difficult on a couch."
I was pushing boundaries and I hardly cared. All I could think about were her swollen lips. What I wouldn't give to taste them and feel their softness against my tongue.
But what had only been a longing was suddenly reality. Without even consciously deciding to do so, I was tracing the shape of her lips with my tongue. Her eyes seemed to roll back into her head before she squeezed them tightly shut in what could only be pleasure.
"Did you change your mind?" She asked breathlessly and unexpectedly.
I paused in my tracks. Had I? Could I? Why had she needed to ask? Her question had reversed the dimmer switch on my more responsible side and I'd really rather it had stayed fettered.
I felt grumpy, not wanting to abandon my animal pursuits.
I sighed, accepting reality again. I was too strong and she too fragile. Besides, I wanted to commit fully to Bella, ring on hand, before I took her in that way.
"Don't be ridiculous, Bella. I was just trying to illustrate the benefits of the bed you don't seem to like," I bluffed. She couldn't know how weak I was. She would try to take advantage. "Don't get carried away."
I certainly had.
"Too late," she muttered, seeming a little grumpy herself. "And I like the bed."
I smiled, happy I'd gotten away with buying her something and pleased I'd convinced her to like it. "Good. I do, too."
Too much.
She pouted. "But I still think it's unnecessary. If we're not going to get carried away, what's the point?"
How could I resist my temptress. Why did she have to do this to me?
I sighed again. "For the hundredth time, Bella - it's too dangerous."
"I like danger," she insisted.
"I know," I replied, imagining her on Jacob Black's motorcycle.
Was it a good time to bring up the fact that I would be buying her a helmet?
She seemed to realize what she'd evoked. Her eyes widened and she said quickly, "I'll tell you what's dangerous. I'm going to spontaneously combust one of these days - and you'll have no one but yourself to blame."
I felt bad for leading her on. Though I hadn't planned to push things so far, I was somewhat in my right mind when it all started and I should have known better.
But I played along and started pushing her away.
"What are you doing?" She asked, nervously, clinging to me.
Innocently I answered, "Protecting you from combustion. If this is too much from you..."
"I can handle it," She said stubbornly. I took her back into my arms.
"I'm sorry I gave you the wrong impression. I didn't mean to make you unhappy. That wasn't nice."
"Actually," she said seductively, "it was very, very nice."
Her voice did strange things to me. It warped reason and wreaked havoc on the dimmer switch. I wanted her bad.
But I was in control and I locked my muscles in place as I had all those months ago when it was her blood and her death that I resisted. Now it was her body. It was taking her and making her mine fully. It was my fingertips pulling at the waistband of her pants and the panties beneath them. It was my hand slipping under her shirt, up along her ribs...
I took a deep breath. Again pushing the fantasies as far away as I could. They wouldn't go very far. I felt weak and wary.
"Aren't you tired? I should let you sleep." Please, you beautiful woman, sleep before I do something really stupid, I thought.
"No, I'm not." I could see the temptress wasn't finished with me. I braced myself. "I don't mind if you want to give me the wrong impression again." I just barely held back a groan. Images spun before me. Our shirts on the floor. Her pants at her knees. Her hand on my zipper. Her hand on my...
"That's probably a bad idea," I wondered if my voice didn't sound a little frantic. "You're not the only one who gets carried away."
"Yes, I am," she grumbled.
I laughed. I would do myself no favors to explain to her the scenes spinning in my head right now. It would only encourage her.
"You have no idea, Bella. It doesn't help that you are so eager to undermine my self-control, either."
"I'm not going to apologize for that," she said, her sweet breath drawing me back in. But I saw an out then and I grasped at it as if I were an inch from death.
"Can I apologize?"
"For what?"
It seemed I'd thoroughly erased her memory with our little gymnastics earlier. I had to fight off a smile.
"You were angry with me remember?"
"Oh, that," she said indifferently.
Though she seemed no longer concerned I stayed the course. First, I really did owe her an apology for being so controlling. Second, I wanted her to know I was turning over a new leaf. And third, she would probably succeed in her seduction if I let her keep at her attempts much longer.
"I'm sorry. I was wrong. It's much easier to have the proper perspective when I have you safely here." I tightened my hold on her. "I go a little berserk when I try to leave you. I don't think I'll go so far again. It's not worth it."
She smiled and I knew I was forgiven. "Didn't you find any mountain lions?"
"Yes, I did, actually. Still not worth the anxiety. I'm sorry I had Alice hold you hostage, though. That was a bad idea."
"Yes," she agreed, her face playfully stern.
"I won't do it again," I assured her.
"Okay," she said. Her face turned mischievous and I readied myself again. "But slumber parties do have their advantages," she said as she pressed her body closer to mine. Her lips found the indentation over my collarbone where she murmured, "You can hold me hostage any time you want."
I moaned quietly, unable to stop it. There was a tightness in my stomach as her words conjured new images. Darker fantasies than I usually allowed. What I wouldn't have given to read her thoughts in that moment. Coming of age in this modern era, I wondered if her fantasies weren't more inventive. A little more wild. I bet she'd be wild... but I couldn't focus on that, I thought as I sighed.
"I may take you up on that," I said. I weighed whether I was strong enough to kiss her in that moment. I really wanted to. At least to start with...
"So is it my turn now?" She asked.
"Your turn?" I was confused, bogged down by my lustful impulses.
"To apologize."
"What do you have to apologize for?" I asked, wearing a perfect poker face.
Of course, I understood what she meant. I'd been furious with her the last time. So it made sense she would expect that her most recent actions would be upsetting. They had been, but objectively I knew now that I'd been the problem.
"Aren't you mad at me?" She asked blankly.
"No," I said, matching her tone.
She frowned, the 'v' appearing between her eyes. "Didn't you see Alice when you got home?"
"Yes - why?" It was a little bit amusing to watch her growing suspicion, but I maintained my poker face.
"Are you going to take her Porsche back?" Really? Was everyone going to ask me that? Sure, I was a monster by several definitions of the word, but I was certainly not the type to un-gift.
"Of course not. It was a gift."
Her eyes worked hard to search in the darkness, but I doubted she could see me.
"Don't you want to know what I did?" She asked, almost sounding put out.
I shrugged. "I'm always interested in everything you do - " keep it light, I thought " - but you don't have to tell me unless you want to."
"But I went to La Push."
"I know."
"And I ditched school."
"So did I."
I was grateful it was dark. I was smiling at her bewildered expression. I hadn't expected taking her by surprise to be so enjoyable.
She was not unaware of her disadvantage. I fixed my face just in time as her fingers traced my features.
"Where did all this tolerance come from?" She demanded, stunned.
It would be uncomfortable to explain this, but it had been what I wanted. To make it perfectly clear to her that I would no longer be that guy. I sighed.
"I decided that you were right. My problem before was more about my..." violent, murderous, raging jealousy - well I didn't need to be that honest, "prejudice against werewolves than anything else. I'm going to try to be more reasonable and trust your judgement. If you say it's safe, then I'll believe you."
"Wow."
"And... most importantly... I'm not willing to let this drive a wedge between us." I missed the harmony we had so often had back before I left. Before Jacob Black fell in love with her. I'm sure he'd only be too pleased to know his actions were causing discord.
She rested her head against my chest and seemed completely at peace. I was pleased with her happiness, but also a little baffled. Hadn't she left La Push upset? I wondered what she was thinking. Had my new attitude somehow resolved that conflict? The curiosity burned.
"So," I said trying to be subtle, "did you make plans to go back to La Push again soon?"
I cursed myself as I felt her tense. I waited a few seconds for her to respond but it didn't seem she was going to.
I needed to salvage this.
"Just so I can make my own plans," I explained quickly. "I don't want you to feel like you have to hurry back because I'm sitting around waiting for you."
"No," she said in a pained voice. "I don't have plans to go back."
What had he done? It took everything to keep the tension out of my own body. I needed to stay calm. I needed to know what she was thinking.
"Oh," I said, with forced casualness. "You don't have to do that for me." I hoped stating my false assumption would coax out the truth.
"I don't think I'm welcome anymore," she whispered.
Wait. What had she done? I was becoming impatient.
"Did you run over someone's cat?" I asked, attempting to soften my insistent probing with humor.
"No." She took a deep breath and I thought I would loose my mind. "I thought Jacob would have realized... I didn't think it would surprise him."
It? It was like she was trying to torture me. But I waited.
"He wasn't expecting... that it was so soon," she said, still cryptically, but I could connect the dots from here. The timing of her transformation had taken him by surprise. Of course he was right. It was too soon.
"Ah," I said quietly.
In our brief encounters since my return, it was clear that Jacob Black believed I was no good for Bella and that I was stealing away her life. He saw me and our situation for what it was. I could give him that much. And maybe now, knowing she'd be leaving him so soon, he'd quit his attempts.
Or he'd double down.
"He said he'd rather see me dead," she said, her voice breaking at the end.
I saw red. My rage yesterday had been nothing compared to this. It was fortunate that Jasper and Alice had left a few minutes ago as I'm sure Jasper would have been more than concerned.
I stayed perfectly still, resisting every impulse to run to La Push and literally tear his head off. Or at least punch a hole in the wall.
Loving her as I knew he did, how could he have said such a cruel thing? While he had never had the soul-destroying experience of believing she was dead, surely he could see that a world without her was bleak, meaningless.
I allowed him to live though he loved her but for him to use that power over her to hurt her...
I tightened my arms around her as firmly as I thought safe, holding her close to my chest. "I'm so sorry."
"I thought you'd be glad," she whispered. I really had been a monster lately, I thought.
"Glad over something that's hurt you?" I murmured into her hair. "I don't think so, Bella."
She sighed and snuggled against me, relaxing again, but I remained tense, fighting violent urges.
"What's wrong?" She asked.
How was I supposed to keep it light now? I had to try. "It's nothing."
"You can tell me."
Long-term strategy, I thought. The long-term strategy is accepting her friend, accepting her choices. It's about being calm and reasonable. But he was obviously not a worthy friend.
"It might make you angry," I said, recalling her fury when I'd let it slip that I would try not to accidentally kill Jacob Black if I encountered him.
"I still want to know." I knew she wouldn't let it go.
I sighed, so much for my long-term plan. "I could quite literally kill him for saying that to you. I want to."
I heard Emmett and Rose approaching the house now. They were eavesdropping, a fairly unavoidable thing to do.
I don't know who we're talking about, Emmett thought, but I'm totally in.
Bella laughed half-heartedly, trying to diffuse the tension, "I guess it's a good thing you've got so much self-control."
"I could slip," I said, encouraged slightly by Emmett's egging. Slip, slip, slip, he chanted in his head.
"If you're going to have a lapse in control, I can think of a better place for it," Bella said, her voice thick with desire.
Um, whoa. Not as sweet and innocent as she looks, is she? Emmett thought, deeply amused and a little impressed. She's good for you.
I sighed. I really wasn't enjoying his commentary on the most intimate parts of my love life, but it did bolster my control.
"Must I always be the responsible one?"
"No." A dangerous smile emerged along her lips. "Let me be in charge of responsibility for a few minutes... or hours."
Oh, shit! Emmett thought. His and Rosalie's muffled laughter was not enough to stop the flood of butterflies in my stomach.
"Goodnight, Bella," I said firmly.
Give the girl what she wants, bro. You won't ever have to worry about that other kid again, Emmett thought.
"Wait - there was something else I wanted to ask you about," Bella said, flustered.
"What's that?" I asked curtly, suspicious it wouldn't be more of the same.
"I was talking to Rosalie last night..."
I could hear Rosalie's sudden anxiety. She hadn't expected to be around for this conversation. She grabbed Emmett's wrist and dragged him back outside. We'll give you some privacy, she thought as they leapt across the river.
My body tensed with my own anxiety. Was Bella finally going to listen to me and choose her soul over forever with me? I had hoped she would, but it was agonizing to imagine.
"Yes. She was thinking about that when I got in. She gave you quite a lot to consider, didn't she?" As always, I was desperate to know what she was thinking.
"She told me a little bit... about the time your family lived in Denali."
This was probably the last thing I had expected her to say. What could she want to know?
"Yes?" I asked.
"She mentioned something about a bunch of female vampires... and you."
Oh no. I cursed Rose for bolting. What on earth had she said? Why had she even brought it up in the first place?
I was stuck in a horrible place not knowing how much Rosalie had revealed. Had she only mentioned there were female vampires like us. Had she spelled out the whole embarrassing ordeal? Or something in between? I didn't want to reveal any more than I had to, but I also didn't want it to look like I was trying to conceal something she already knew.
When I didn't respond, Bella pressed, "Don't worry. She told me you didn't... show any preference. But I was just wondering, you know, if any of them had. Shown a preference for you, I mean."
Did she really want to know or was she fishing? Maybe Rosalie had told her about Tanya and this was a test. It was relationship 101 to not lie about past - not love interests - stalkers, was accurate enough. But I knew how Bella irrationally felt insecure by my side. I didn't want her to picture anyone else there, even though I had had zero interest. It also happened to be the most embarrassing story of my existence.
Tanya had nearly violated me a dozen times only to be dodged at the last moment when I read her thoughts. She'd lodged a full propaganda campaign at me in her mind, forcing on me images of herself and what she envisioned we might do together. It got so bad I decided to leave. Esme, determined to keep the family together, insisted we all move on.
Normally when we moved on prematurely, it was because some human had become suspicious or, in earlier decades, because someone screwed up.
So, Emmett especially, but the others as well, had found it incredibly amusing that we were picking up to leave because one of our new roommates was too invested in me.
Just indulge her, Emmett had thought. Honestly, it would do you some good to get some and you know she'll get bored of you just like all the others she plays with. You playing hard to get is making the chase too fun for her.
I wasn't about to tell Bella all that. But I needed to be honest, right?
I didn't know how to walk this fine line. If only Alice was still here she would have helped me find the right words.
"Which one?" Bella asked, clearly trying to sound casual, but instead sounding hopeless.
I had no idea how to navigate this. I felt panicked. This nonsense was why I didn't Rosalie on my PR team.
"Alice will tell me," she said, determined. "I'll go ask her right now."
I held her tight so she couldn't move away from me.
"It's late," I finally said, my embarrassment apparent in my voice. "Besides, I think Alice stepped out..."
"It's bad," she said. "It's really bad isn't it?" Her heart was racing now. Clearly not saying anything was a bad strategy.
"Calm down, Bella." I kissed the tip of her nose. "You're being absurd."
"Am I? Then why won't you tell me?"
"Because there's nothing to tell. You're blowing this wildly out of proportion."
"Which one?" She insisted petulantly.
I sighed. There was no away around it. I would give her the softest version of the truth. It wasn't a lie. It just evaded all the gory details. If she knew more, I could smooth it out.
"Tanya expressed a little interest. I let her know, in a very courteous, gentlemanly fashion, that I did not return that interest." And then she continued to pursue me with greater passion and obsession than Captain Ahab in his hunt for Moby-Dick. "End of story."
"Tell me something - what does Tanya look like?"
I wanted to groan. Rosalie would pay for this.
"Just like the rest of us - white skin, gold eyes," I answered quickly.
"And, of course, extraordinarily beautiful." she stated in a small, sad voice.
"I suppose, to human eyes," I said with indifference. "You know what, though?"
"What?" She asked.
I put my lips right to her ear and her heart seemed to jump. "I prefer brunettes."
"She's a blonde. That figures."
I jumped on that. "Strawberry blonde - not at all my type."
I focused then on pulling her out of her grief, running my lips slowly along her cheek, down her throat, and back up again. I knew the sting of jealousy all too well and hated for her to feel that type of pain.
"I guess that's okay then," she decided. Her face still looked displeased, but it was no longer sad.
Though the whole exchange had been uncomfortable, with her sadness gone, I could appreciate how cute her grumpy face looked. I felt warmed by the possessiveness and ownership she felt over me and how prepared she was to fight for it even though a threat to Bella's claim had never existed and never would.
"Hmm," I whispered against her skin. "You're quite adorable when you're jealous. It's surprisingly enjoyable." Her frown deepened.
Worried I'd pushed my luck, I changed the subject. "It's late. sleep, my Bella. Dream happy dreams."
Desiring to erase all of her insecurities, I said the words that I longed for her to tell me. "You are the only one who has ever touched my heart. It will always be yours. Sleep, my only love."
I hummed her lullaby and she quickly drifted to sleep.
A/N: Please let me know what you think in the reviews!
Updated 12.6.20.
