A/N: Sorry you had to wait so long for an update! I almost considered putting it as a snaphsot since it kind of takes you out of the main plot, but that didn't feel quite right. Enjoy! Reminder that this story is rated M. As always, reviews are appreciated!
If there was one thing that Erin had always known she could count on, it was her mother. So for said person to be metaphorically pulling the rug out from under her was a situation she hadn't even thought to prepare for.
"You're - you're what?"
"I know we should've given you more of a warning," Erin's mother said with a pleading look in her eyes. "But I didn't even know for sure until just last week."
Erin sank down onto the sofa in her parent's living room, feeling more than somewhat off balance thanks to the news her mother had just sprung on her.
"So… wait," she said, trying hard to gather her thoughts. "You don't have to be a fully trained Healer to do that?"
Hannah shook her head, taking a seat beside her daughter. "The three years is just a requirement for St. Mungo's, but I'll still have some training to do. And I've been doing courses at night for the last two years and now that I've passed all my exams…"
She trailed off uncertainly, which Erin couldn't blame her for. She imagined her eyes were about the size of saucers from how shocked she was.
"Two years?" she asked a bit shrilly. "How have you been doing that for two years and we've never known?"
"You've been at school, sweetheart," her mother said. "It wasn't exactly hard to keep it from you."
"But why?" she insisted. "Why not tell us?"
A guilty look crossed her mother's face, and anger that was likely a bit irrational welled up in Erin.
"Ethan and Alice already know, don't they?"
Her mother let out a sigh. "Yes, they do. And we were going to tell you sooner," she quickly continued when Erin rose from the couch, "but then… oh, everything happened at Malfoy Manor, and we didn't want anything else to upset you. You'd been through so much and…"
The sound of her mother holding back tears was enough to quell Erin's indignation, but only slightly.
"I'm truly sorry if you're hurt by this," her mother said, sounding a bit more calm, "but it's also something I've wanted for a very long time. Erin, this is something I've wanted to do since I was at Hogwarts."
A bit reluctantly, Erin turned back to face her mother, hesitating a few more moments before joining her on the sofa once again and preparing to listen.
"When Tom offered me the pub, I didn't feel like I could say no," Hannah continued. "He'd done so much for me, and your grandfather didn't have much money. What he did have went towards his care in his last few years. I needed a steady income and I got one. By the time I was thinking about trying to juggle both the pub and studying to be a Healer, I got pregnant with your sister. I don't regret having her or marrying your father, but I had to put a lot of dreams I had on hold. And now that Madam Pomfrey is retiring… Erin, I want to do this. And I really hope you can be okay with it."
In all honesty, the majority of her was. Her mother had always been one to make sacrifices for others and not even bat an eye. She was one of the most giving souls Erin had ever known. Of course she deserved to have her dream. And not only that, but both of her parents would be spending the majority of their time at Hogwarts. They could have so much more time together, which was something she knew they always felt they never had quite enough of.
But, there was also the fact that both of her parents would be spending the majority of their time at Hogwarts.
Erin had truly loved the fact that she was able to see her dad just about every day while she was at school. Sometimes she'd be a bit of a brat about it and complain, but at the end of the day, she knew she was lucky. Just about every other student only got to see their parents for a few months out of the year during their seven years at Hogwarts, but not Erin.
The fact remained, though, that as much as she'd enjoyed getting so much time with her dad, she'd been looking forward to all the time she'd get with her mum now that she was no longer in school even more. And now she wouldn't have that.
She'd spent the last five months so caught up in her new job and her relationship and yes even the incident at Malfoy Manor that she'd barely given a thought to spending time with her mum. And now, as soon as the new term started, she'd no longer have the chance to.
"I'm happy for you, Mum," she managed to choke out, giving what she prayed was an encouraging smile to her hopeful looking mother. "Really. You'll be brilliant."
Hannah smiled before pulling her daughter into a hug. Erin soaked it in - soaked in the closeness, trying desperately not to think about time wasted and opportunities lost. There would always be things she'd wish she could change - things she'd wish she could take back or do differently. But not spending enough time with her mother was something that Erin hadn't anticipated regretting for a very long time.
"We'll still see each other," her mother whispered as she continued to hold her. "I'm not fully walking away from the Leaky for a while and Madam Pomfrey will still be there all term. We're just easing into things."
Erin had to refrain from uttering the retort that had popped into her head, choosing to nod and hug her mother tighter instead.
She had a feeling that ease would have absolutely nothing to do with any of it.
Albus woke with a chill, the room still dark. Blinking to try and focus, he reached for his glasses on the bedside table, slipping them on so he could better read the clock.
He let out an annoyed sigh to see that it had only just gone two in the morning. It was only two hours ago that he and Scorpius had finally made it to Rose and Erin's after a grueling night of studying. They were set to do evaluations and exams at the end of November, which was only a week away. If they failed any of the courses, they risked either repeating or expulsion, depending on just how poorly they did.
Neither of those options seemed like a good one to Al.
It had been Scorpius' idea to break out the books and get as much studying done as they could that Saturday to give them more freedom to slack off the next day. Rose and Scorpius were planning on spending it with his cousins over at Malfoy Manor, while Al and Erin would be going to James' Quidditch match.
With a yawn, Al pulled at the blankets that had drifted past his hips, only realizing as he did so that he was now the sole occupant of his girlfriend's bed. But he didn't have long to wonder where she was. The door creaked open and she tip-toed back in a moment later, dressed in nothing but her knickers and one of his t-shirts. She startled a bit to see him propped up on his elbows and looking at her.
"Sorry," she whispered, crawling onto the bed and sliding under the covers. "I didn't mean to wake you."
"You're fine," said Al, the chill that her absence had brought disappearing as Erin snuggled up next to him. Warmth and contentment returning, he removed his glasses before burrowing back into his pillow, Erin's arm draped around his bare back and her leg hitched over his. It never got old, the feel of her. The closeness he felt both physically and otherwise whenever she was near.
Her hand ran up into his hair, causing Al to let out a sigh of contentment. Erin dropped a kiss on his temple before settling against him, her fingers continuing to stroke his hair as she breathed against his cheek. It was enough to nearly put him right back to sleep, but now that he was awake, he couldn't bring himself to willfully miss an opportunity to spend time with her. She'd been in bed reading when he'd gotten there, dressed as she was now and looking all sorts of tempting. But Al hadn't had the energy to do much more than shuck his clothes, kiss her deeply for a few moments, and then pass out beside her.
"How was your time with your mum?" he mumbled into the pillow, remembering that she'd gone to her parents at her mother's request that afternoon.
"Fine," said Erin, sounding decidedly less than so. Al turned his head so he was looking at her, nearly nose to nose.
"What's wrong?"
Erin shrugged, looking almost embarrassed to talk about whatever was bothering her. It only took a few seconds of him silently watching her, however, before she told him the news her mum had delivered earlier in the day.
"Wait, really?" he asked, having not expected this at all. Erin nodded. "Who's going to run the Leaky Cauldron?"
"Dom," said Erin. "Apparently, Mum told her in the summer because she'd been approached by some witch to sell her bakes in this bakery and Mum wanted her to know her options. It sounds like Dom will sort of do both, though, if that's possible. I was in a bit too much shock to listen to all the details."
Wow," said Al. "I mean, that's brilliant and all, just a bit-,"
"Unexpected?" said Erin. "You could say that again."
Al's brow furrowed in concern at her less than enthusiastic tone. "You're upset about it, aren't you," he said, not even having to phrase it as a question. He could tell it was bothering her, and he was beginning to wonder if she'd actually slept at all. "Why?"
Erin rolled onto her back with a frustrated sigh, taking her warmth with her. "I'm trying really bloody hard not to be."
Still looking at her in concern, Al propped himself up on his elbows once again, watching his girlfriend expectantly.
"I'm going to sound incredibly selfish if I tell you," she warned him. Al merely shrugged. If she was going to be honest about how she felt, it might as well be with him.
"I was just really looking forward to having her around, you know?" she admitted, her voice small and her gaze somewhere near his shoulder. "I don't think I even realized just how much I'd been looking forward to that until she told me she wouldn't be."
Al reached out and slipped his hand into hers where it rested on her stomach. "Did you tell her that?"
"What would've been the point?" she asked rhetorically. "It's done and she's doing it and I'd never tell her not to."
With a sigh, Al laid back down, resting his head on her pillow instead of his and propping his chin on her shoulder. "Hogwarts is just a Floo call away," he said softly. "And who knows, maybe you'll even talk more. It'll give you more of an excuse to exchange letters and whatnot."
He could hear the slight smile in her voice as she responded. "I suppose so. I know it'll be fine eventually. Just takes some getting used to."
She squeezed his hand in what Al took to mean appreciation and even reassurance that she really was fine. As his eyes fell closed and he grew tempted to let sleep overtake him once again, he felt the usual flicker of triumph that he'd been of some help to her. He would've continued to believe that she was fine too, were it not for the fact that - even as he began to doze off again - he could tell Erin still wasn't okay. Her breathing wasn't even, her body wasn't relaxed, and when he opened his eyes to look at her, he saw hers were blinking rapidly as she stared at the ceiling.
"Erin?"
She jerked in surprise at the sound of his voice but didn't say anything. With a sigh, Al pulled himself away and sat up, flicking on the light beside her bed. By the time he turned back to face Erin, she was sitting up as well, her legs folded and her hands in her lap as she anxiously twisted her fingers.
"I just… I just look at my mum and I see someone who didn't let anything get in the way of the things she wanted," she began, her voice shaky but her words sure. "I mean, it's taken a long time for some of it, but she's worked hard and fought for it all the same, you know?"
When she looked up at him expectantly, Al nodded, assuring her that he was following even though he had no clue where she was going.
"I'm just realizing how much I'm letting the fear of things getting royally screwed up again hold me back."
"Hold you back from what?" he asked uncertainly.
"Everything," she said, gesturing aimlessly around them. And then with a slightly guilty expression, "You."
"Me?"
She nodded, wiping hastily at a tear that slipped down her cheek. "I was scared before everything happened with the break in, you know. I was scared of commitment, of wanting certain things too much, of falling too hard. Even of letting you down. But I think I was more scared that I'd lose everything if I let myself have what I wanted. Or even admit that I wanted it."
Erin paused to take a deep, shaky breath, and Al reached out to hold her hands in his.
"And now…now I'm still a bit scared of all those things," she continued, "but I think I'm more scared of missing out because I was too afraid."
Al let out a sigh, frustrated to realize that he'd missed these lingering insecurities. He'd had an inkling of them in the past. It was the reason they nearly broke up not long after her release from the hospital. But they'd worked through that. Or he thought they had, at least. Had he pushed too hard? Asked for too much?
The problem, Al realized, was that he didn't know how to do things at anything less than a hundred percent. Not when it came to the things and the people he cared about. He'd never even considered reining things in when it came to Erin because telling her and showing her exactly how he felt once he was finally at liberty to do so seemed only natural and normal. He'd had to learn the hard way that for her, things were different. Not that she didn't love him any less, but she just wasn't as sure what to do with it yet.
Slowly, Al moved his hands from her own, going up to her shoulders, and then around to the back of her neck so he could pull her closer, dropping a kiss on her forehead before resting his own against it. "You know I'm not asking for a lifetime commitment right now, yeah?" he asked, not listening to the part of him that screamed how much he wouldn't actually mind that.
"I know," said Erin in a whisper before sniffing and wiping at her nose. "That's not the problem."
"Then what is?" he asked uncertainly, pulling back a bit to look her in the eye.
"The fear of losing it all," she said, sounding truly worried it could happen. "Of losing you."
She seemed very close to letting her tears overtake her. Instinctively, Al leaned in and trailed kisses along her cheek, adjusting his hold on her so he was hugging her tightly around the waist, taking all of her weight as she sunk into him. She was in his lap a moment later, her knees pressing down into the mattress on either side of his hips as she wound her arms around his neck.
"You're not going to lose me," he said with as much conviction as he could muster. "Not if I have anything to say about it."
He felt Erin take a deep breath, her warm and shaky exhale against his skin causing the hair on the back of his neck to stand on end.
"We trust each other, right?" he said when she didn't respond, pleased when she was quick to nod. "Then that's what we do. Everything else…" He sighed and pulled back so he could look into her deep blue eyes. "I get being scared, but we can only control our own choices, yeah? So we make them good ones."
"But what should those even be?" she asked, sounding desperate. "I feel like there are so many things that I want but having all of them seems impossible because how could they possibly all happen?"
"Like what?" he asked in confusion.
"Like…" She let out a sound of frustration and ran a hand through her hair. "Like I want to become a Potions Master. I want to make incredible strides in the area of potion-based healing for spell damage because I truly believe it's possible. I want to be able to one day tell my dad that no one will ever again face the same fate as his parents because we have ways to make sure it doesn't happen. And I want… oh God, I want you. As scary as it seems to me right now, I want everything you want to give me and have with me. I want a house and… Merlin, maybe even a family one day. I want to nag each other about whose turn it is to take out the rubbish or walk the dog. But sometimes it feels like all of that is too much to want."
She paused to take a breath, wiping again at her eyes as she struggled to meet his.
"I think, at the end of the day," Erin continued softly, "all I really want is to grow old and not regret the things I didn't get to do or have. But I'm paralyzed to fight for any of it because I'm more scared of trying and not having it than I am of anything else."
Finally, her eyes locked with his, her gaze boring into him with a plea that he at least try to understand where she was coming from. And he did. Probably a bit more than she realized.
With a soft sigh, he brushed back her golden hair, tucking it behind her ears before cupping her face. Her eyes were glued to his as he lightly brushed his thumbs against her cheeks.
"That's how I felt when we were in school," he admitted softly. "Before you kissed me and then before we were fully together, I was scared out of my bloody mind that I'd fuck things up. I'd thought about going for it too many times to count, but the fear that you'd say no or we'd try and then fail kept me from doing anything for a long time. And don't get me started on how fucking beside myself with fear I was when I applied to be an Auror."
Erin's posture relaxed a bit, her hands lightly resting on his chest and her expression tender and grateful. "But you've never been shy about what you wanted to do with your life," she said.
"Which made me twice as scared of failing."
Erin gave a slight nod of understanding "You've never seemed scared," she said. "I've never once thought that you might be. Not even when it came to you and me."
"Scared shitless, more like," he said with a wry grin, which earned him a small one from Erin in return. "Especially in the beginning."
"How'd you get past it?" she asked.
"To be honest, I've got no bloody clue," he said with a shrug. "Some days, I feel like I still haven't. I don't know if I would've ever worked up the guts to do a thing about how I felt if you hadn't made the first move. At some point during all of that, I suppose I just got tired of being afraid."
Al smiled softly at her, hoping his words made sense at least even if they didn't help combat her own fears. Thankfully, she returned his smile and moved her hands up to his shoulder, a trace of nerves still discernible in her eyes.
"I really don't want to be," she said.
"Well…," he said slowly, wanting to help but not entirely sure how as he moved his hands to rest on her waist. "Is there anything specific? That you're scared of?"
She stared at him for a moment, her eyes moving rapidly over his face. And then she bit down on her lower lip, somehow moving a bit closer to him as her fingers moved to run through his hair. There was suddenly a lively-ness to her eyes as they met his - a mix of affection and maybe a bit of trepidation, though that appeared to be quickly falling away.
"I used to be afraid of this," she said softly. "Being this close to you."
Al's hands moved from her hips to her back, pulling her a bit closer. "But you're not anymore?"
Erin shook her head, now close enough that her nose brushed lightly against his as she did so. "Turns out, you're not that scary."
Al couldn't help grinning at her cheeky tone, his hands wandering under the shirt she was wearing to caress her bare back. Erin's fingers pressed firmly against his scalp, her eyes drinking him in as she smiled, a heaviness that had been present all evening fading away.
A moment later and she was kissing him, her lips soft and gentle as he felt the love she had for him pouring into the embrace. For a while, he simply kissed her back, savoring the moment and the pure and uninhibited affection he felt from Erin.
Her hands were making a mess of his hair as her mouth moved against his, her kisses growing more wild. Al was powerless to do nothing but respond in kind, amazed by the easy and confident way she pulled herself closer, not even hesitating to connect every inch of her body with his as she sunk further into his embrace.
There was an abandonment to the way she touched him, kissed him, surrounded him that felt new. A confidence and assurance that - thinking back on their relationship - had been missing before. Now that he had something to compare them to, every past experience had an essence of calculated thought - of purposefully taking each step and being fully aware of what she was doing. But not now. She was completely free, acting on instinct, and losing herself in the moment in a way that she never had before.
Al made quick work of joining her.
The t-shirt Erin was wearing ended up on the floor rather hastily, leaving nothing but her knickers and his pants separating them. They'd been here and even a little further before, but for the first time, Al could tell she wasn't holding back. Even thinking back to the first time they'd been in a bed together in his Slytherin dorm when she'd seemed determined to take things as far as they could go, he could see that she hadn't let herself just be in the moment. Now, nothing was driving her except sheer desire, affection, and love for him. She wasn't overthinking. She wasn't afraid.
Still, he had to make sure.
She was moving her hips against his in a tantalizing way, her fingers toying with the edge of his pants when he managed to pry his lips from hers.
"You're good, right?" he asked, his forehead resting against her shoulder as he breathed heavily, Erin beginning to trail kisses down his neck.
"I'm on the potion," she mumbled against his skin before giving it a light nip. Al couldn't help letting out a throaty chuckle, no longer having to wonder just how far she was hoping to go tonight.
"Great, but… but I meant emotionally."
She slowly ceased the attention she was giving to his neck, pulling back to meet his eyes, though not before placing a gentle kiss on his lips. A soft smile graced her own as her fingers trailed back up his chest.
"I love you," she said simply. "And that's most definitely something I'm no longer scared of."
Al released a heavy sigh, resting his forehead against hers before kissing her softly, his hands wandering along the smooth skin of her back. "You don't have to prove anything, you know?" he said between kisses. Erin shook her head as she pressed herself down onto his lap, wringing a slightly embarrassing groan from Al's throat.
"I know," she said, her own voice a bit breathy as she spoke against his lips. "I just want you," she said, giving him a firm kiss before adding, "All of you."
It didn't take any more convincing for Al, who promptly occupied his mouth with pursuits that were much more pleasurable than talking.
He'd barely resumed kissing her, though, before Erin maneuvered him onto his back, her bare chest pressed against his as she hovered above him. A groan of disappointment left him when she pulled her lips away from his a moment later, his hands sliding from her waist up her bare sides as she crawled down his body. Al didn't catch onto what she was doing until her fingers closed around the waistband of his pants and then tugged, quickly revealing him to the dimly lit room. Unexpectedly, he felt his face heat up, nerves and anticipation filling him as she worked his last article of clothing down his legs to where he could kick them the rest of the way off.
It wasn't like he'd never been exposed to her before. In the last month of their relationship, they'd taken the time to explore and experiment. But it had always been under cover of darkness and between sheets. Not once had she gotten a good look at him.
Al wasn't exactly insecure when it came to his body, but he figured you'd have to have an incredible amount of ego or self esteem to not pause in this moment and wonder if you met someone's expectations.
However, he hardly had time to try and gauge Erin's reaction before she was flinging off her own final article of clothing, drawing a wide-eyed look from Al as she quickly climbed back over him, dragging the blanket that had made its way to the end of the bed with her and over them both.
"Fuck, you're…" he said breathily, gazing up at the brilliant and beautiful woman above him. She gave him a coy smile, lowering herself down to lie on top of him so that every inch of her skin was touching his. Al had to work hard at breathing normally.
"This okay?" she asked, her elbows propped on either side of his head as she looked down at him, her swollen lower lip pulled between her teeth.
"Brilliant," Al was quick to assure her, his hands going up to cradle her head. "Best thing ever. Feel free to do it anytime."
Erin was giggling in a lovely way as he drew her face down to his, kissing her hungrily and doing his best not to focus too much on his growing need to move things along to where he knew they'd eventually get to.
A few moments later and Erin was propping herself up by her hands again, creating a bit of space and allowing his hands to travel all over her soft skin as he soaked in the moment, not dismissing the vulnerability and trust that it took to get them there. And then Erin was rolling off of him, pulling at his arm as she did so and giving Al a clear indication of what she wanted. He didn't hesitate to roll above her, continuing to kiss her deeply and in a way that felt both familiar and new. When he broke away to allow them to breathe, he wasted no time in exploring the rest of her with his lips, trailing down her collarbone and across her breasts, where he paused to give them a bit of attention that had her panting before moving on to her stomach.
"Al…" she said breathlessly as he nuzzled her bellybutton, her fingers winding through his hair. "...love you."
He smiled into her skin, dropping a kiss on her hip bone. "I love you, too," he said. "So bloody much."
Erin was gasping in pleasure moments later as his hands made quick work of performing a dance they'd shared a few times already, but never in such a vulnerable state. Never with the notion that it was leading to more. And when his mouth joined in, he was nearly undone himself at the sounds she made and the way her hands gripped his hair. By the time she pulled him back up to hover over her, her eyes were alight with desire and Al felt fit to burst, kissing her sweaty brow as she wrapped her legs around his waist.
It was quite literally breathtaking, the feel of her surrounding him. Somehow, he managed to have the presence of mind to make sure she was okay, but it wasn't long before she was encouraging him on, her mouth claiming his as he lost himself in her.
In the perfection of the moment.
In the joy of the closeness that he only ever wanted with her.
