Chapter 39: Part 1

Coldness. Quiet. Solitude.

Words that she was so familiar with, raised with, cradling her from birth and wrapping her in a thick blanket of obscured security. Safe in this seclusion. Protected from stares, from verbal slights, from every petty form of malice that only the human race could fathom to create; to inflect so insensitively, so purposefully, on one another.

Elsa had been prepared from a young age, conditioned to shy away from any welcoming words that could draw her out of the protection she had come to know and depend on; bred to focus use of all of her social communication skills toward function alone. Not like she had been given any chance to trial such skills outside of her family and their staff, never once allowed a chance to make even one best friend growing up, and entering her older scholastic years, a loner, anti-social but top of the class, only added to her defense; the way that her grown aloofness came off to her classmates, even high school crew teammates, an added layer to her fortress of solitude, reinforcing the ingrained fact that people didn't bother themselves with you unless there were ulterior motives.

She needn't bother her thoughts with it, finding comfort in burying her nose in one of her multiple Language Studies books while gossiping whispers, belly-filled laughter, and team cheers rapped against her temple at every which way. Frivolous. Being so carefree at this time, investing in others instead of their futures, her classmates simply did not understand that they would lose sight of what was important, end up victims to stupid decisions made by their heart's emotions that none of them have aptly prepared for.

Bar the heart. It was the only way.

Even in sparse moments, where a middle-school tutoring job, an exchange for the allowance to try out a sport that had for the first time piqued her interest, had, simultaneously for the first time in her life, yielded a peer with such energy to almost peel back the defensive layers wrapped around her, she maintained a singular sheet close to her body, careful to never open herself completely to the frigid air that existed in the world outside of her own being. Resolutely, she'd been trained. Nothing good could, nor would, come.

But, all that said, all that was burned into her psyche leaving a calloused scar symbolizing what she hid from, what she knew and what was logically only an algorithm for disaster, as time continued, perhaps even after watching a smiling face try to wiggle his way into an arbitrary status of what some would call 'friend' over 5 long years, did lead to the smallest pique of curiosity..

A degree of curiosity even beyond that stirred at first seeing a Single.. Curiosity that had never even graced her mind in all of her childhood and teenage years, all culminating to a point when she'd finally be leaving this persistent young boy behind; when she would voyage away from the small seafaring town to the country's biggest city.

Everything would soon be new and all she had come to know in this world would become so far out of reach. With nothing but her love for the sport which had been her one reliable source of comfort for years, she would be alone once again, although it felt very strange to say when that had been her perception of everything in life. Perhaps there had been something to allowing this one person a spot beside her; to at first just deal with, but eventually to even share grins and chuckles with.

All of that was a bit of a breaking point, hitting the young girl harder than she realized it would the second the diploma was placed in her hand, leaving a dull ache in her chest, akin to nothing she quite understood, maybe only closest to early life events where she first learned her parents would never come see what she deemed accomplishments. To say goodbye, with a little too much alcohol let seeped into her pure veins, allowing herself to actually open up about things she'd never spoken aloud to any other human, her small music box ballet figurines or single stuffed animal being the only ears ever granted luxury of being confidantes before.

Maybe that was the real moment. Not a breaking point but rather a turning point inside of her, whether conscious or completely oblivious in the haze of mutual reciprocation, sharing of histories and childhood troubles, hopes and dreams, no matter how silly and impractical, that changed her perception. Where maybe it was okay to want something like this, where the fortress-like binds wrapped so snuggly around her were not always necessary; that there were rare occasions where it was okay to simply.. let it go.

A new adventure in a strange place, forced to be by herself again without the presence of the single soul that had been the closest thing to a friend in her entire life, had unnerved her, at least a small part. Anything unknown, even if she had come to understand what was needed of herself to survive any weathering hardships, left her to thoughts of uncertainty; momentarily reminding her that she was not infallible to fear; that her shy and sensitive personality, completely unseen to the world, still thrived inside of her, only solidifying the imperative need for her distance. Would she ever find another person so persistent to break through her defenses, yet also so non-judgmental of her past and protective of this meek, awkward disposition?

Those first few days at Arendelle had quickly proved her mild lift in such a whimsical hope wrong. Completely wrong. Her past had been dragged along with her instantly, family name always seen before herself, actually introduced as a title, the heir to the Winters Management company, before her given name had even dropped from Coach's lips at Freshman orientation.

And as days bled into weeks, into the early race days of October, every second passing on the clock, meters accruing on the water, erg time milliseconds shaved off in every new work-out completed, and exams and papers passed with a gloriously 100% splashed across all the headers, the separation between her new peers only grew.

Alone in her Single. In quiet solitude, impermeable to voices and a preventative to accidentally misplacing cares. It provided her the only source of warmth as the autumn days steadily became cooler and the frigidness of her so-called team only grew. But she had been trained with this. For this. She knew how to handle it.

No one ever understood. No one could. No one wanted to.

Whether she wanted any of that or not, all of that was simply for the better.

Until that day.

Ending their first 2k piece of the season, that unusually bitingly bitter cold morning for late November, where she had not even gotten off the Erg before hearing the snide remarks of the upperclassmen varsity around her, or catching the wary eyes of the Novice too scared to even sit near their Freshman peer, both at practice and even in the classroom; so much distance yet never granted chance nor will to bridge it. Whatever. She was used to the feeling of distance, and if could translate into her distance ahead in races, all the better. No one could ever touch her.

She had shut her eyes, pulled her safe blanket of solitude tightly around her, seeking peace in the confines of her mind as she did every day on the water, as she anticipated would be the life she continued to lead going forward.. but a voice rang out, speaking just above the sneers and snickers. Her navy eyes had opened, looking ahead and seeing the tall body who had come up beside the ergometer, leaning over the monitor and reading her 2k time.

Who would dare approach me? was of course her first thought, tinged bitter despite herself but also in shock that a person would ebb this close as she had already hidden deep inside her usual icy bunker. A millisecond later, she registered the familiar bow trying back long brown curls, draping down a toned back, glistening with a sheen of sweat which she was sure her own body mirrored.

Oh. The Junior Captain; one of the literal less than handful of Singles rowers active on the varsity team.. And when two chocolate eyes turned back to her.. It surely had to be because she had only just completed her test seconds ago, absolutely dying and pushing her cardiopulmonary system to the brink of exhaustion, not even having had a chance to gulp down her precious water still resting at her strapped-in feet, because there was no other explanation for why her throat had suddenly gone so dry at that look.

"Wow! You're a Freshman, right?" Those dark eyes had practically glittered with the above head lighting as her excited tone rang like a bell. "You're very impressive! What's your name, again?"

It was a defining moment, leaving the still panting woman so stunned and somehow even more short of breath. No peers had ever spoken to her in that kind of voice, not even once, since her arrival here. No one had ever said that anything she did was impressive. Ever. Everything she had ever done simply had to be done right, perfect, because it was merely expected of the Winters heiress. Let alone doing something actually worthy of accolades. And certainly no one ever said those things to her regarding the sport she loved.. never sounding like that.

She would never know what prompted it, whether her deliriously fatigued brain, drained energy of the intensity of learning to manage college coursework paired with her demanding practices, or the subtlety of holding out for something, even if not sure of what, to approach her soul tied within her trusty, albeit lonely, Single; the metaphor for what she had always known and what she expected always would be. For the first time since arriving at the gates of the ancient city, for the first time since the feelings she had lost in that discussion of alcohol infused queries and potential wonders of whimsy, if it were possible to ever let down get guard for anyone, to maybe build something beyond acquaintance and have a person to speak with without pretenses, she felt it again. Unsure of what, exactly, but she actually felt.. something.

From that moment on, she had leaped into the new feeling, if not slower than a glacier's pace, and maybe more like one hop at a time, like in that beloved children's game, but she moved toward it nonetheless. Eventually realizing that there was a person here, with her, so similar, that shared dreams that aligned with her own, passions for rowing identical if not more beautifully powerful, such a gorgeous and deeply admired person, extroverted and confident, actually taking interest in her life.. more than that. In her, for her. Never once mentioning her family's name, nor bringing up the life she had come from, questioning the life she was bred for. No. Only her passions; constantly highlighting her strengths and guiding her mind toward dreams and aspirations that she never would have considered more than a wish on a passing star. Seeing the possibilities if she let them work in tandem.

It was so easy, so wonderful. For the first time in her life, she had given in and allowed a person inside completely; a friend, with a shining smile that could only bring happiness, warming the chill existing even inside of her bundled heart, melting it instantaneously. With the only thing crossing her mind for many many months to follow, she would drift off to sleep, with energy and a renewed purpose, for once excited to wake up the next day for more than only being on the water, wondering how she could have let her parents make her see the world this way?

To shut away entirely, to never experience feelings of this magnitude, to never see her potential in a different way and actually strive for a life with rowing at the core, all for the pursuit of company affairs; couldn't she do both? They were absolutely insane to lock her mind in one direction. All she had missed in her life.. She should never have listened to their heed. What could they know about living? What could they know about love?

Because how could she have ever been so afraid of something as marvelous as this..

...

Other than the dull pounding of footsteps, the jog that night had been quiet for the two prestigious rowers; the long miles accumulated taking their toll even on the strongest of athletic figures after a busy day, fatigue overpowering the desire to form casual conversation. That was fine, though. Silence was absolutely golden; diamond and platinum even. Elsa did not want to talk. At all. She did not even want to come out here tonight, fighting against every stupid nerve in her body to force herself to comply, to fall into the role which would spin the placating narrative all the public longed to sink their teeth into; the farther from the truth, the better.

Unable to be washed away despite the beaded tendrils of sweat having long since begun their slick trickles down her forehead, the residual memories of just hours earlier clung to her mind like a sticky sludge

The ghost of her past had seriously had the audacity to chuckle at Elsa's anxious timbre when she had all but snuck up behind her at the celebration. Her brown eyes had quickly analyzed the rower, following the crystal blue waves of the dress to the floor, and Elsa felt unease grow in her gut under the scrutiny. She could handle others looking at her in that way, any way really, she had done so for a long time, and she had learned to shut it out just the same. But, for whatever reason, apparently nothing could have prepared her to feel the speculation coming from the infamous rower.

The taller woman had looked back up, filled with an admirable gaze. "God Elsa.. You look beautiful." The deep, silken voice had floated into her ears, causing a shiver to crawl up her neck, only to disperse down her arms in a trail of goosebumps. Instantly she had cursed her body's automatic reaction, grateful for the thinly veiled sleeves covering her lower arms to conceal the traitorous reflex.

The blonde had merely remained silent, letting Belle's words fill the space between them; both literally and figuratively. Nor had she trusted her voice at that moment. She had not wanted to let her emotions get the best of her, biting down an icy fire crackling on the back of her tongue, carefully leveling her gaze; with all these random onlookers, she could not make a scene. The way the older woman smiled gave away that she, in fact, could see right through Elsa's expression. That was also when the blonde realized exactly why Belle had chosen such a public place to make her presence known. The woman had always been frustratingly clever.

"I've missed you," she had finally remarked with a tentative voice when the blonde had continued to stare, silently.

It caused Elsa to instantly bite back an infuriated retort. 'Don't you dare go saying that here' had hung in her throat but she did not have the nerve to let it spill out. Too many eyes, too many ears, too many flashing lights.. Controlling her temper with a strict repetition of her upbringing's mantra, she refused to let it get to her. All of this situation. Whoever broke with emotion first would be the loser.

Taking a step closer, the brunette tried again. "I think we have.. a lot to talk about.."

The blonde had averted her eyes. What an understatement. Seriously. The older girl had come back, wanting to talk this out. Talk? No. Elsa had wanted to yell, to scream, to bark a haughty laugh, and to just run-away from this moment and never look back. And she had wanted to absolutely curse the motor side of her brain that had her feet remain planted while the rest of her body buzzed with anxious energy.

After a brief silence, Belle continued. She had carefully stepped closer and whispered into the shortened space between them, "Hey, since we're here anyway.. May I have a dance?"

Elsa had swallowed, barely given a second to dart her eyes to the side in a desperate attempt to search for her date who had disappeared on her adventurous endeavor some time ago; a needed interruption, an excuse to go to the redhead who she could claim was at a pre-fall risk needing immediate supervision (she had observed the small rower stumble too many times in her heels since they had left the hotel). Unfortunately, Elsa had been all alone, left adrift in a sea of anonymity; peppered with a growing number of faces now turning her way, maybe even known to her at one point in history, but had just become leering blurs to her sweeping glances. Alas, above all else, the one person she needed to see had been nowhere to be found.

In a swift movement, before her eyes had the chance to turn back from their yearning inspection, Belle's golden gloved hands hand taken her pale ones and all but dragged the younger woman forward onto the dance floor before her instinctive rebuttal could form.

She had heard the whispers, or poor excuse of such. People did not care about discretion. If they did, they would try harder to lower their voices; certain comedically snide remarks definitely meant to be audible. It only steeled her impenetrable emotional defense more, shutting down, calling for the tight binds of mental fortitude she knew too well. Only Belle could see her hardening expression as they moved; her dark eyes seeming to accept the challenge of Elsa's conveyed disinterest.

They had been nearly overtaken by some fawning fans of Belle's the second their dance had ended, and the moment Elsa turned to leave, Belle's hand had caught her forearm, spinning her around, dragging her unwillingly into the conversation. It had felt like the spectators just kept coming; every short breath of reprieve, her only chance to scan the crowd, each empty view, disheartening. Her attempt to even step away to the restroom had futilely yielded the brunette's insistence to tag along, destroying yet another escape route; at least being stuck in public meant Belle was also under the public's supervision to not do or say anything strange.

Elsa had said near nothing as the minutes slowly, so damn slowly, ticked by, getting by with head nods here and there mostly, and the only good to have come of the theatrical act was that Belle had made no push to falsify what 'they' were; the closest response to such a question just being "We're catching up." The words may have pacified the general masses who were uncomfortably interested in their nonexistent love-life, but Elsa knew better. Not only had Belle's entrance and dance request quite obviously alluded to other ulterior intentions, Anna's own disclosure of the two's earlier conversation had instantly put Elsa on guard. Belle's interest was nothing but a bother; a thorn digging into her side, pushing deeper with every step she dragged them through.

"Have you returned to the Arendelle River, Belle?" had turned out to be the final question thrown at them that night, right when Elsa was feeling her last nerve starting to fray. She was drained. Too many people. Too much frivolous small talk. Not enough time spent with the only person she wanted to actually be with and the whole reason she agreed to be at this stupid Ball.

Belle had been quick to shake her head. "Sadly I've been too busy. We sure had a lot of memories being down there.." She looked at the slightly smaller rower who still was basically vice-locked in her arm's grasp. "..I really wish we had the chance again.." Her voice had seemed hopeful, implicating of her interest in the idea.

Elsa almost hadn't realized Belle had turned her eyes onto her, delaying her answer. She hesitated, seeing the News person, apparently some popular blogger, ready and waiting for her answer. Cracking an awkward smile, Elsa had muttered, "It could be nice.." Not a lie. Nothing was impossible. It 'could' be nice. Would it be nice doing something like that, though? Not at all. But theoretically, she was not lying.

"Well, are you free tonight?" the brunette had instantly followed with, leaning into her arm more, voice raised in a way Elsa could recall being used many a times when the older rower was suggesting something she really wanted.

Elsa had furrowed her brows, automatically leaning away slightly, but seeing the blogger person still lingering with that stupid pen and paper she quickly tried to collect herself; the potential internet interview wording flashing to her mind, how she appeared to be pretending to be nice to the National team's darling, comment responses surging with speculations: 'Could she be exploiting Belle's status again pretending to be close?', 'Belle's so sweet and that Ice Queen is so unappreciative of her kindness!'

She would much rather minimize any headache inducing chatter, such as that, where possible.

So, she had done her best to smile, knowing that, while most strangers were easily fooled by practiced pleasantries, Belle could see through every movement of her facial muscles; knew exactly that she was trying to sway Elsa to her side. "That sounds.."

When she had finally chosen her words, she was careful, knowing that there were plenty of onlookers discreetly awaiting her answer, too; those few who still held interest in their relationship for what it was. To display any signs of hostility in a crowded place, when her name was already spoken with such ire, had not been on her to-do list.

But, more importantly than even keeping up public pretenses, she had known that if she openly declined, after all the eyes and cameras had followed her that evening, to dash off, back to the safety of her Doubles partner's side, would drive a wedge of suspicion to the gazes that followed her. At least, if this part, the one played by her and the well-admired sweetheart of the National's team, seemed believable (despite how absurdly unbelievable it felt doing so) then she would be free from interactions risking public interest delving into Anna's privacy.

She could deal with false narratives. She had dealt with plenty before any way, and truthful matters were definitely more harrowing to deal with. But she was not sure what she would do if the narratives dragged Anna in. That had always been her biggest worry, and when Anna herself had brought it up, concern for privacy of their relationship? Oh, like Hell Elsa would risk any word, any thought, any hint getting out.

Most of all, she had not wanted Belle to become anywhere near involved with Anna. She would not stand for it. Hearing how the two met, Anna's obvious anxiousness when sharing the discomfort of the situation, all that Belle had told her and how her words affected the girl, had triggered this swath of protectiveness inside the blonde, stronger than the hurricane of worrying and wondering melancholy she had previously been processing.

Of course, knowing the young firecracker, Elsa pulling any stunt like this would have immediately led to a reprimand; worry splashing across those cheery freckled cheeks the moment Elsa doused her with this less than appetizing story. Or worse, a constant anxiety always being in the back of the redhead's mind of what Belle's presence could mean for them.. With their races coming up in a few short days, she couldn't bother Anna with superfluous stuff like this. Belle was just a passing nuisance that didn't deserve one iota of Anna's attention. The overly sensitive softie of a young, now Olympics bound, rower would worry for no reason.

Anna had to keep her focus. Elsa had promised that she would do whatever was needed for Anna to succeed in rowing. And seeing how disconcertingly flummoxed the poor newcomer had become being hounded with benign interview questions, Elsa loathed to think about making the girl's transition period into notoriety any harder than it already would be. No. She would take care of this menial task. They could talk about it after their race.

In the end, backed into a corner and solidified in her stance, she had agreed to the plan of a trip down memory lane, to let Belle revisit the mighty river of her college days, and hopefully allowing a chance for Elsa to shut down whatever intentions Belle had planned, never needing to face this woman again. Elsa had proudly conjured up and put forth the later idea that they turn it into an exercise, almost becoming gleeful at the decision which had been taking so much of her focus as she and Anna had headed back to their hotel room; the hopes of lessening any time conversing while simultaneously truly letting out pent up energy was a must..

The evening's interactions were what had been running through her mind the entire jog, in time and parallel to the pounding of her running shoes along the sidewalk; the gentle rolling waves along the river's shoreline and salty air blowing in from the fjord were the only welcoming reminders that this river was also her own home; a fraction of a reprieve that evening.

Having purposefully dragged the run to be at her own pace and on her own time, using it to push herself to the point of exhaustion where she wouldn't have to feel the weight of her uncovered memories by the time it came to sleep, to equally exhaust the other rower in hopes of deterring any words that could add any weight to her already burdened mind, she stayed in the lead.

They had made the final 30 minute stretch away from the familiar river's edge back to the hotel without more than one passing word of appreciation for the water's splendor. Almost ¾ of a Half Marathon later, she was almost free to return to her room where she could cuddle up close with her petite but powerful redheaded partner for a good night's rest in preparation of a long day of travel tomorrow.

Only as their elevator dinged, indicating that they had arrived at the 5th floor of the hotel, did the person at her side begin speaking, auditorily yanking Elsa from her mental plans; the broken concentration caused by that annoyingly familiar voice was enough to irk the blonde.

"Well, this is me," the brunette said with a bit of hesitance, turning and taking one backing step from the lift, foot hovering over the grid-line, preventing the automatic doors from closing. The blonde stared at her with no indication of amusement, and only a growing glower. Belle added a smile. "Walk me to my room?"

"No."

There was a slight recoil from the immediate and hard response, but the smile just turned a bit firmer somehow. "I guess we can stay here and talk then," she challenged, leaning her shoulder against the metal of the elevator doors, crossing her ankles in a casual stance.

Clenching her jaw, stifling a remark of annoyance, Elsa glanced at the circular buttons steadily lighting up, more and more, and she frustratingly relented for those waiting patrons. She had a feeling Belle would follow her to her own floor if she continued to say 'no' anyway, and like Hell was she about to disclose even a single night of Anna's location to anyone.

She marched past the taller woman briskly, coming to stand near the open banister in the center of the floor's foyer, arms crossed and holding a wide stance; defenses up, whether consciously or not. She knew Belle could see it by the way her dark eyes scanned her, head to toe, brown brows lifting in slight amusement.

"Thanks for coming out with me. It was fun getting to see the water again, even if it was dark," she commented airily as she slowly started to take steps in direction of her room. "Reminds me of all the training we used to do out there.."

Rolling her blue eyes, begrudgingly falling in step beside her, Elsa only gave a silent shrug of acknowledgment. She was not ignorant. The casual passing words were nothing but meant to alleviate the atmosphere; a tell-tale sign that Belle was prepared to say so much more. Elsa knew all along that she would encounter something to this regard, but it made it no less enjoyable now that the time had come. There was another stretch of silent seconds before Belle tried talking again.

"You know, I'm actually surprised at how far you've come this year." The older woman tucked her hands behind her back, an impressed tone of surprise heavily present in her voice. "I honestly thought you'd struggle to keep pursuing rowing after.. well, with everything, even just continuing.. To wake up, going out in that boat, knowing what anyone in the community would think.. it must have been so hard." She shook her head, giving a side glance to the blonde who's eyes were tightly narrowed, staring just a few feet ahead of her dragging feet. Belle lifted her brows in a sympathetic motion. "Especially since I wasn't there to help you through it-"

Elsa's fist clenched at the subtle accusation.

"I never needed your help!" she at long-last snapped before catching herself, and instead, drawing her words with more intention, hating moments where her emotions got the better of her. But she could not help it. Nearly every word in that observation had been too painfully true; and the rest, too sorely close to true.. Squaring her jaw, she looked at the taller sculler. "Just because you were gone didn't mean I'd give up.. Rowing's my passion. To give it up would have meant that I was over." She wanted to scoff at the mere entertainment of such an audacious claim; that even though their training had brought Elsa so far in her career, that she was helpless by herself. Honestly, regardless of how dark the time in her life had seemed, it had ultimately been for the better. "The day you left was just my beginning."

Her voice was stern as she spoke. It needed to be. She had to hear herself be commanding now, more than ever; powerful in a way which she had never had the courage to display to her Ex in the past. The sound, so strong and conscious in her ears, necessary for canceling out the harsh memories of the immediate weeks following that fateful day; the ones where she was left absolutely broken, a hollow shell of the fighter she once was, seeing no beginning, and only an end; those dammed weeks where she really did believe that she, herself, and all that she stood for, all that she had striven to become, everything she thought she herself even was, was indeed, over. The fiery passion she retained of the sport, already a dwindling flame from the insurmountable pressure of the team well before the succession of crumbling events, becoming a mere smoldering flicker in the rainstorm brought on by countless spilled tears; residual embers barely kept alight into early September where the dream was near all but extinguished..

But somehow, her drive was kept burning, sparked and allowed generous time to rekindle under a protective umbrella as her tears were given reprieve to dry, provided by one very important person intervening at just the right moment; the last possible moment before she, at an utter loss at every single angle, would have completely given up the sport. That very same interaction, she would later realize, having unintentionally and simultaneously sparked another passion too, slowly building and melding into the bright blaze she had burning in her chest today.

The silence sat between them following her statements; both women dropping their gazes away, one with a hint of sadness, the other trying to dull a sparked match before it erupted into a storm that she would be unable to contain.

Coming to a stop at a door, presumably their destination, Belle lifted her hands in surrender. "I apologize. That wasn't what I had meant." Still, Elsa kept her eyes away, not wanting to meet the familiar ones too immediately after her brief flashbacks of that dark time.

"We should really talk," the brunette gently opened the dialogue again with after a prolonged minute. Elsa stiffened, understanding the implications of Belle's suggestion before it was even spoken. "You know.. about us?"

The words and gossiping trills that had entered her ear like off-key melodies during their dance had already grated her nerves, rubbing her the wrong way to the point it was physically uncomfortable. No such tattles were worthy enough to bring anything back to life between them.

"There's absolutely nothing more to talk about." Elsa had brought her gaze forward, tone becoming ridden with ice the second the topic was breached, only growing colder after she spoke when she realized the long since scarred wound felt too recent; shockingly tender. Turning away slightly, she rested her hand on the center banister. "We were done the moment you also decided to make our breakup public knowledge."

Hand scratching at the base of her neck, brown curls damp with the light sheen of sweat remaining as a relic of the recent activity, the Singles rower pressed on, ignoring the underlying implication of the younger woman's last comment. "Well I think there was plenty left unsaid." She turned to face the blonde directly. "Too much, actually." When Elsa didn't budge or acknowledge the words, Belle wiggled her lips, stepping closer. "Snowflake.."

At that distant but all too familiar endearment, something snapped inside of her. Sharply, the blonde turned in her white sneakers, taking a daring step forward, dark blue eyes glaring across into deep brown as Belle instantly stepped back again, mirroring the move.

"Don't call me that!" she barked with her finger rising between them, following with another step until the brunette ceased to yield a retreat, instead lifting her chin away. "You really think that, after you left me so broken, that I'd come running right back to you, just like that? Because I'm so weak, is that it?" She didn't even wait for a response before halting, shoulders squared, dropping her arm with a frustrated roll of her eyes. "Obviously you don't know me anymore because you'd be sorely mistaken-"

The irate words had barely flown from her mouth when Belle reached out and took hold of Elsa's forearms, spinning with her body's extra momentum in the blonde's moment of unexpected stupor. A half second later, Elsa found herself against the wall, the slightly taller body somewhat dwarfing her; hands pressing against Elsa's arms with just the exact amount of pressure to keep her in place, which wasn't much given the absolute shock of the action doing enough to make her whole body stiff.

Blue eyes, which had shot open wide at the suddenness of the unforeseen action, looked into the chocolate ones opposite. They held an amused glimmer that only intensified when Elsa unconsciously gasped. A confident glint; no more of that cautious presentation. In the land of fame, the affable Captain that Elsa had first met had later grown to hold herself to the highest esteems. Always astute, always a leader, and damn assured in her abilities. Now that was who Elsa had come to recall, both in and out of the public's eye. The person who, she later saw, had been the most influential on herself as well.

She soon recognized the sensation of being near flush against the brunette's firm form; the wall's cold support behind her blocking her from the breath of freedom. She was struck with something, the moment surprise had worn off, with the adrenaline coursing through her alerted senses failing to come around and give her strength to fight for freedom, and instead transitioning into weird familiarity. The presence and touch felt far and distant, but so known, too known, all the same.

She felt frozen, unbidden whispers of the past brought to the forefront of her mind, tinkering with her processing. Remembering how this exact position, once so beloved and craved, had been ripped away without warning, leaving her with those countless sleepless nights spent in tears, wishing on every star for this exact touch again; clutching the photographic memory, the only physical thing remaining to connect her to the brunette.

Humiliating. Utterly disgustingly pitiful.

Belle leaned her face in close to the pale rower, cheeks near brushing as her voiced softened. Her hands loosened to just rest lightly on the porcelain skin beneath when Elsa had done nothing to move; leaning in with the support of her fingertips. "I desperately wanted to do this while we were dancing.." She adroitly traced her lips along the defined outline of Elsa's reddening cheek, gradually trailing them toward their intended destination at the center of the younger girl's face.

The familiar smell of roses wafted into the blonde rower's senses and the sweet breath danced very near her lips.

Sweet.. but growing instantly sour.

Elsa brusquely turned her head away. The abrupt motion halted Belle's actions, causing her to lean back slightly.

Chocolate eyes looked nonplussed for a moment, staring longer than necessary for a mere inspection; there was reflection. Again, the astute acuity of the woman's abilities went unmatched. "So, it's true after all.." The words held the sound of revelation, causing the blonde to slowly look back at her, finding the distance between their faces now more manageable, though the light touch of their bodies could still be further away. Blonde brows drew up in question when Belle shook her head, hands dropping away from the girl's pale arms. "You and your Doubles partner."

Azure eyes widened, struck by the uncanny deduction. "Wh-what?"

Belle rolled her eyes delicately, giving the blonde sculler a knowing look. "Around when I heard you were competing, a little birdie decided to mention it to me; said I 'needed' to see some photos from your races." She had a small lift to her lips at the confusion etching on the porcelain skinned face. It didn't stay too long as she let her eyes drift up, face drawing into a look of confused consideration. "It was nice to finally meet her, though I was surprised at how short she was in person.."

Elsa gritted her teeth, trying to ignore the details being shared. She was too focused on the nickname. In her experience, Belle had only ever used the term 'little birdie' to reference one particular person: Hans. A shiver traveled down her spine.

Belle had always been a sort of arms-length friends with Hans, from the beginning, which Elsa thought was a bit strange. More annoying than strange, really, and mostly back while they were dating. Not just the fact that it seemed unfair to the boy, no matter how obnoxious he was, but those first few months the two women were together, Elsa soon found she disliked how much attention Belle received, from fans of all sorts; her status and abilities definitely worthy of admiration.

But by Belle's words, always shared in warm embraces and sweet kisses anytime Elsa hinted that it may bother her, the Captain had always reassured the young Sophomore that it was all for show; to appease her many fans at that level in preparation for the notoriety they both hoped to come with applying to the upper rowing ranks. Then, by the time they had at long last reached that tier, Belle's words had become the truth. Elsa had become so used to the woman's flippant nature among her fans, no longer questioning Belle's interactions, no longer letting jealousy play into their relationship. Belle always came back to her, after all. That is what she had come to learn was most important in their romantic relationship.

However, with Hans, it had always seemed different; no where near as flirty as her extroverted personality always seemed to call for. Almost as if the brunette woman understood that the boy wasn't quite 'normal', to say the very least; a few times stating how she felt bad for him and his unrequited infatuation, so much more obvious and unlike the rest of Belle's many admirers. Elsa could never figure it out, and maybe she only gave it a second thought because everything involving the boy, everything about him being an annoying blip in their lives, fell back onto her.

It was not like Elsa ever verbalized concern over the matter, nor disclosed how much of an irritation the boy would occasionally be toward her; his passing words of disdain or dirty glances thrown her way in the Senior captain's absence being the worst of it, and she thankfully, at long last, caught a break come her Junior year, when the two women were no longer on the college team. No longer needing to see his ugly face first thing every morning, the way she would catch him eyeing her, studying her every move like some sort of perverted predator. Or to watch how his gleaming eyes unabashedly leered anytime Belle passed by, like an actual pervert.

Those behaviors had only made her grow more protective of their relationship, probably worsening the matter in retrospect; her subtly pulling Belle away, the brunette's intense focus now dedicated to the young blonde's training, and only pushing the unusual boy further to.. wherever his mind went.

Distantly, there had been a recurring question in the back of Elsa's mind that, had she confided the information regarding Hans' odd behaviors and attitudes, if Belle would have dissolved that novel friendship from the start; no questions asked, cut ties immediately on Elsa's behalf, severing any and all hope that may have been strung along in the Starboard rower's little brain, rather then let it continue in a one sided game (if anything, the only one who'd end up hurt would be the asshole, so at least there was a small silver lining Elsa had come to respect).

From what Anna had disclosed coming from Hans, if what he bragged to her was true, maybe the events of last year would not have occurred had he been given reason to give up his twisted crush.. Perhaps this very moment may not be playing out in front of them now. If only Elsa had been a little braver, willing to speak her mind where and when it really mattered..

Sadly that was not the case. And she had to accept all of the potential consequences her past self's lack of bravery caused.

Ultimately, hearing it now, after the previous stringing along, she really was not surprised that the two rowers still spoke, albeit sounding more like Hans had offered up the information unbidden; always being one to stir up trouble where it needn't be. She'd experienced his interference first hand more times than she cared to count.

"Well?" the Single's competitor pressed, causing the blonde to blink harshly, lashes fluttering in tow. Her focus returned to the present to see those curious dark eyes staring acutely down at her. Although not demanding, that gaze was certainly expectant, searching for something in just Elsa's momentarily untrained expression; her words, no where to be found quite yet. "Was what he was alluding to true, or.." Dark lashes fluttered, partially obscuring the mahogany orbs beneath in a haunting shadow, voice low. ".. was he just trying to make me jealous?"

Elsa's tongue darted to her lips, ready to speak up, to wholeheartedly answer and get this woman off her back once and for all.. but she stopped at the last minute.

There were technicalities in place between the Doubles partners after all; agreed upon by both, and at Anna's initial request for privacy. The whole point of the secrecy was to ensure no word could possibly slip out; could cause any harm to the truth of their relationship. It was her whole reason for even dealing with that goddamned dance in the first place, for appeasing public question, and for even agreeing to coming out here tonight; all to ensure no pressure came back to Anna. She could not let this terrible memory lane outing be for naught.

Besides, all the publicity aspects and promises aside, did her Ex really deserve any bit of information related to their relationship anyway? This woman who ultimately, despite promising her once before, was the one to let their own private history slip during an interview not even 3 months into their National's career. 'Beauty and the Ice Queen' becoming a common sensationalized headline from then on out; positive or negative, Elsa never could get used to it.

She couldn't confess such a deeply personal matter now. Not here.. not to her.

However, her silent hesitation to neither confirm or deny the claim, battling the internal urge from her heart with the many piling logistics in her brain, was all that Belle needed.

The brunette's lips curled into a coy smile, an air of confidence beginning to return. "Hmm.. does this mean you're not then?" She lifted a hand, slowly, fingertips returning to the side of Elsa's arm, sliding to catch the smaller girls pale skinned fingers, tilting; collecting them with her own. Bodies still so near, warm.. stifling. "Then that means there's still a chance for me.. for us, again." Her voice lowered in timber, question rising, hopeful. "Even if just a kiss goodnight?" The previous smile, born in the turn of events, settled to a thin line, looking almost regretful. "Had I foreseen that the last time would actually be our last, I would have held you so much tighter.."

Elsa's breath hitched in her throat and something heavy sank in her stomach, churning, anxiety.

She had literally been telling off the esteemed woman not even five minutes ago. When the Hell did their conversation turn to this? Belle absolutely could not be serious bringing up..!

Dark brown orbs told another story though and Elsa felt her exhalation stutter.

Flashes of a time past came to her eyes. The implications.. the last time they had been in this position.. this close, alone, holding hands, blanketed in a warmth only previously remaining in her most deeply buried memories. Those dark eyes, back then, had sparkled in a dimly lit room, rouge lips speaking tender words that still remained tattooed inside her chest like a distasteful battle scar.

But it still brought the lonely ache of broken trust up to charge the front lines of her emotions. She hated that the same wonder had lived in her mind, for months too long, stuck like a record on replay; a terrible song she couldn't skip, even though the ending always trailed off with the same hopelessly flat melody.

Blue eyes fell to the side, lower lip quivering as she whispered, letting the pain ring in the quiet confession, "I never forgot what you said that night."

The brunette tilted her head with a sudden interest, pausing, widening eyes focused on the smaller athlete. "Oh..?"

"That you'd always do anything for me.." she started, eyes on the floor, swallowing a second later. "You told me you loved me.. that you always would.." Those words, ones she had once clung to desperately every single lonely night as a heated summer had bled into the temperate early days of autumn, though not forgotten, had long since been written off as nothing but lies; proof that promises were fragile and ultimately meaningless in the matters of the heart.

Belle let her dark lashes fall momentarily, covering her brown eyes, watching the younger rower; her teammate once upon a time. A gentle smile spread over her lips again as she leaned in an inch more, trying to catch the blonde's downward line of sight. "That has never changed, despite everything; my hands were tied back then to follow what the organization wanted me to do. And I know that I made decisions that ended up hurting you." She sighed. "But my feelings for you never left."

Elsa felt a weak 'tch' tap at her teeth, feeling next to no comfort at the words.

Belle had practically dropped all contact those first weeks following the news reports; the ones repeating a heartbreaking live broadcast where Belle played the role of the betrayed so perfectly. She had known the truth too; that Elsa had taken the blame for her after she was the one to beg for it; that the only reason they even split was because she was playing the victim to the masses; that it wouldn't make sense for her to remain with someone who hurt her so bad. Justice had to be served for her sake, and the image of the team's integrity. But it was treated as a real break-up, with no alert, no reasoning given, leaving her to face the repercussions of everything alone.

The brunette's emotional words had cut so deep that Elsa even began to internalize them, feeling like she somehow was at fault, that she actually was the monster Belle had claimed in that interview, maybe not here but, possibly, had she hurt Belle in the past without realizing..? Had she been unaware of something she did, and Belle was using this an excuse for an out? Because why else would she simply.. end it for real?

"I tried to reach out to you to explain the things I said and did.. and I wanted to check in on how you were.." Belle continued, speaking more matter-of-factly. "But you never replied."

Elsa chewed her lip, hating how she recalled those few sparse texts scattered throughout the last school year, beginning in October and stretching to late winter, following that initial 3 and a half month stretch of pure radio silence. These so-called check-in's had infuriated her; moments leading to brief but angry tears, or days of terse interactions among anyone unlucky enough to cross her path, fault of no one but her own. She had been so sure it was out of pity; guilt ridden and obligatory, such messages only caused her healing heart to re-crack each and every time. Even in small moments of happiness, respites that were desperately needed, these interruptions continuously made her relive that same torture, reminding her how important it was to stay vigilant, to stay focused, to never risk somebody getting too close again..

But.. had they really been out of honest emotion, all along? Their intention.. oh what did those messages say, how had their intonation come across.. Was Belle really trying to amend the situation? Did Elsa jump to conclusions too fast?

Had I simply.. misunderstood? Elsa felt her breath echo in her chest, the sucking hollow sensation coming out of nowhere, succumbing to the shocking thought. Was there a chance that we could have solved things back then if I had given her a chance? She had given the woman so many chances, over and over and over, and although in hindsight she knew it would have been a terrible decision, especially with everything feeling so raw for many months to come, but she was positive that, back then, her past self probably would not have said the same. What would we be like now? Would I still be standing here, like this now, but with feelings I thought could never be resurrected? She held her breath, chest suddenly hurting. Would Anna have been better off?

"Come on, Snowflake." Again, the old pet name sent an uncomfortable ripple reverberating up her limbs, settling in the pit of her gut. Every time she heard it was like a devastating blow, crumbling one of the few persisting revered memories, souring all remaining sweetness that dared linger. She was struggling to control her breathing, not sure what else to do when her outburst earlier seemed to have done nothing to deter the continued use of the term. "Let me show you that I meant everything I said back then." The soulful gaze grew hazy, lids lowering as dark chocolate eyes deepened their intensity. "You've already let me stay this long, so maybe you should let your heart lead a bit more.." Belle said, allowing a bit of airiness to tint the atmosphere, face having moved in again in her second attempt of closeness, as she trailed her lips down the exposed column of Elsa's turned neck; both hands tugging Elsa's own gently.

The blonde's eyes fluttered shut at the sensation, wincing as she felt those cherry painted lips placed firmly on a sensitive spot, obviously remembered by its directness, that made her gasp.

Wh-what was this power? Why did this woman still wield such an authority over her; mental and physical. She hated her lapse of thought in that consideration of what-ifs that never should have crossed her mind. She had come so far to escape this. She'd fought so hard, building up walls, keeping everyone, even those actually pure hearted, pushed so far away. She had overcome this feeling! She had overcome this person! She had learned where to place her heart!

She.. she was strong! So much stronger..! Wasn't she? No, no, stop. She was! She knew now; she had been told. Even if she had been wrong about Belle's intentions, even if Belle really never stopped loving her, even if Anna could have been better off, even Elsa had brought all this on herself, she still deserved to be treated better than before.. Everyone had said that, all along. They were right. And, and she believed them..!

..Didn't she?

The doubtful tendrils started to crawl up her body, creeping and slithering into her brain, puncturing the walled defenses she had erected; pummeling the magnificence she had come to believe she had prevailed with.

"Tell me you still love me."

The words were hushed in her ear. An order. Belle was too confident, too mighty. Even the woman's weakest of moments, forced into the situation to plead for Elsa's help, she maintained it it; control. That was the defining word came to mind. Again and again and again.

Belle always wielded it, exuded it, always the one to carry Elsa out of distress; had always been the one to save her, lead her. While she was always weak, Belle had somehow been both her destroyer yet her strength. When she was scared or in doubt, Belle had been both the trigger yet she also bravely conquered all fears. Control was what Elsa had largely lacked in her life, always had, being under the control of the world around her, and it was all she ever wanted to gain; learn how to take care of herself, beyond just hiding inside her impenetrable fortress, shutting others away. And she thought she had..! If she wasn't strong enough now, even after everything she had gone through, everything she now knew in illuminating hindsight, how could she see her accomplishments as anything more than a wistful illusion?

Belle had not been the one with her on this growing journey last year, yet all the same, was it because of her unseen control that Elsa was disillusioned to have become better? She could feel it, her grip on her resolve. She was.. breaking.. cracking. Each icy wall fracturing.

No, I'm strong. I'm worthy of better.. It doesn't matter what could have been, I won't go back.. I don't love you anymore! I-

A burst of orange appeared behind her tightly squeezed eyes just when she thought the dredged up memories would devour her determination, grabbing at her, tearing her down to the place she should no longer felt was justified. Then glimmering orbs of clear, aquamarine seas burst through the darkness, sparkling, twinkling with life, as if guiding lights. Rosy, freckled cheeks, bringing a joyous plume to explode inside her chest, dissipating the dread; disintegrating the thorny vines constricting her heart. A smile, toothy and lopsided; infectious in nature, warm, welcoming, and loving, all but eclipsing the shadows in light..

Anna.. she thought as her hands were loosened from their press into the wall. Blue eyes snapped open, turning to meet the brunette face on; the motion causing Belle to lean back to avoid the sharp movement.

With a solid stance and harsh yank, the Doubles rower pulled her hands free, naturally bringing them up toward her chest; crossing her wrists tight in front of her in a defensive position. Taking a step sideways, and then followed by another, Elsa shook her head, sucking in much needed fresh air. The alluring fog of unbidden hormones were blown away, leaving an arid emotional atmosphere behind; dry, but clear.

Her name was breathed in question at the abrupt parting, but Elsa brushed past it.

"No, Belle." After the words fell from her mouth, she stood up taller. Her chin lifted, that steadily seeping confidence suddenly dammed and pooling, growing larger with every inch of space her careful feet put between them. "This was done long ago."

The older woman shook her head, eye brows lifting in a pained way, voice dropping to a whisper. "It's not done.."

To the contrary, Elsa shook her head firmly. "Yes, it is."

Belle raised her head, squaring herself in a protective stance, dark eyes leveling with Elsa's own cool blues. "No. I won't let it be.." Her voice trailed off, as if leading somewhere; as to where, Elsa couldn't say. The taller rower took a step closer, hand reaching out for the blonde's pale cheek. However, following the motion, Elsa took a fast reflexive step back, barely feeling warm finger tips skim along her face, leaving a stinging sensation in their thin wake. That same expression remained, brown eyes becoming concerned. "Because when she ends up breaking your heart, something which I can already guarantee you've considered.."

Elsa fought the slight widening of her eyes, flinching despite the fact, trying to calm her suddenly hammering heart hearing the spoken words; anything to not give her Ex any read on how well she still knew her overly-analytical mind. This was definitely not a state that she had been expecting to arrive at.

Belle's face grew empathetic. "That's when you'll see that I'm the one who will still be here, as I promised you I would be." Her shoulders lowered from her strong stance, head lilting lightly to the side, umber strands falling over the peachy, flushed skin. "I've always come back to you." Pale hands had fallen from her defensive stance, but still remained clenched tightly at her side. "And I can't stand the thought of anyone hurting you again."

Elsa glared, feeling her jaw clench at the declaration. She had already held the feelings, and correct decision, to keep Anna away from her Ex to simply spare the young woman from any emotional association, knowing how much the silly girl had overly compared herself in the past, but it seemed so much more imperative now. If Belle were to find out anything of anyone she was dating.. Oh goodness, she was persuasive when she needed to be; a silver tongue that Elsa understood better than anyone else, sweet as can be but nearly as careful with selecting her words as Elsa herself.

Anna could not know about this, absolutely could not, or else that stupidly self-righteous woman might go out trying to prove herself on Elsa's behalf; the young woman had demonstrated impulsivity in the past and this was certainly not the time, nor the person, to pull that kind of stunt with. No, no, no. Anna needed zero reason to ever see Belle again.

No matter how much she wanted this to simply end right here, be done, she knew by the look in chocolate eyes and the unwavering voice, already having set a deduction to the Double's relationship without confirmation, that she would not be letting down her guard any time soon. When it came to Anna's well-being, she would do anything to protect her at any expense; nothing mattered more.

She knew she had to leave, now, right now, because every second she stood here, the older woman would just try to continue to reel her back in with misleading lures that her subconscious could not help but tempt a jump at. Catch her when she was down, just like she had so many other times; back when Elsa relied heavily on this woman, only to feel trusted hands disappear the moment she needed the life-line most, letting her fall from that cliff, alone, into a dark abyss with no end in sight, flailing in confusion seeking that love she believed would always light her way her, and ultimately crashing unceremoniously into the lonely unknown.

Here, again, talking like this.. Belle really had come back, though. All while Elsa had already mindfully, so very carefully, placed her trust in another; the sweet girl who she promised she would not burden as a safety-net, nor depend upon so entirely. She would not to make the same mistake again. The arms length she had kept since the beginning, learned by this exact same woman who'd trained her so intensely.. however, such reliance on that behavior had disappeared and instead been replaced by encircling freckled arms, this time not carrying her, but supporting her equally.

Losing all that Anna provided, what she meant to her.. It utterly terrified her. But she had already accepted that possibility of loss, back when they agreed to go into the unknown, side by side, ready to battle for their future. They weren't dependent on each other, anymore; they were stronger because of each other's presence.

Anna had always made her better. No; made her want to be better.

Whatever words Belle would say here, reminding her of how feeble she had once been, the brunette had no idea how far the new graduate had come. How brave she had become. She couldn't waste any time worrying about negative could-be's and what-if's. And she could not concern herself over their broken past.

All she needed was to live in the here and now. Her eyes narrowed.

"Whatever Hans had told you has only been a waste of your time. I'm not interested in being in relationships anymore," she voiced sternly, eyes narrowing on the taller woman on the last word. "Please leave my Doubles partner alone. I don't need our drama affecting her ability to concentrate on her performance." That sentence had felt nice, to finely state something regarding Anna with complete honesty without pretenses. Avoidant omissions may be functional, but lying only ever weighed on her, adding pressure to every little thing she had to say next.

Dark brows lifted, sympathetic gaze not lessening, voice only becoming softer and concerned. "Is it really just about performance? Or are you afraid her impression of you will change the more she sees of you? Doesn't seem like a sound friendship to me." The blonde's lips twitched, but she said nothing. Belle shrugged, with a shake of her head, raising her hands in appeasement. "Don't worry. I won't say anything.. but remember. I know you better than anyone, seen it all, lived it all with you, yet I still love you the same now as ever." Her dark eyes softened. "And I will wait for you to realize the same."

Elsa swallowed as the words came forward; gravity in the final declaration almost sucking in its confirmation.

Taking no more time, no more words, she turned on her heel and made a B-line to the elevator, wanting, needing, to place as much space as possible between her and this situation; between those resurfaced memories, forced to feel, to remember, and the forced recognition of potential futures. The residual thoughts stuck to her like slime and she wanted nothing more than to take a long, long shower to wash away everything, once and for all.

Collapsing against the back of the lift, barely managing to raise her hand to press her floor level's button, she desperately steadied her breathing, curled into the defeated position, fighting the nightmarish spell and swirling rages of shame stirred up with how she had nearly given up. Anna always told her she was strong, and here she was, coming out tonight riding the coattails of the redhead's frequent proclamations, believing she really was as powerful as Anna assured her, only to realize that, when against her biggest adversary, she wasn't invincible.

Her fists squeezed, finger nails digging into her palms, trying to fight off the waves of guilt; that something as stupid as nostalgic sensations under a lapse of memory were enough to pummel her stone walled defense. She never wanted Anna to be disappointed in her, but she would definitely be after this. To hear how weak she'd become and stupid to try and do this endeavor alone. Elsa had wanted to end this, but all she was left with was the real concern that all she had overcome this year was simply for naught.

Meaning every bit of time and energy Anna had spent helping her, being her guiding light, would have been pointless as well. No, she could not let her partner down! She could not risk making Anna upset because, after all of her mess ups before, or Anna might.. she might..

Elsa shook her head in arms, trying to calm herself, to reassure her slip of sanity in some way. To salvage any bit of rationale she could, strong enough to dam the tsunami of surging doubt in herself; in her relationship.

Belle had just been trying to sway her, taking a daring leap of such an accusation to get at her in any which way, not used to being met with such powerful resistance of any sort from the blonde, purposefully choosing to chip away at the foundation of her pillar of confidence. How she found it so easily, Elsa could only blame herself for being so open, vulnerable, to her Ex in the past. And, damn, Belle had taken a swing and chipped hard, splintering a tiny hairline fracture and sending it charging upwards, hideously revealed and no longer possible to ignore.

Shaking away the nervous trembles that had shaken her so deeply, she stopped herself, reason sliding into the front of her brain with a single, yet all powerful reminder; like an impenetrable wall, stronger than any dam, stronger than glacial ice, instantly erecting to protect her from a devastating emotional flood.

Anna loved her.

She loved her wholeheartedly, unconditionally, whether Elsa deserved it or not, and she often wondered if she would ever be able to 100% accept that concept. Giving Elsa, and Elsa alone, the most precious gift; the first person ever to do so like this, to prove it to her, time and time again, via words and actions, sticking by her through all her fears and standing with her in her most broken of moments.. looking beyond her past, even if due to sheer so-called 'luck' having had no idea who she even was, and, instead, gallantly seeing her simply for her. No amount of words in any of the many languages she had studied, always falling short, could ever express the amount of appreciation, the amount of adoration, of love, she felt for this compassionate, sweet, loyal, joyful, and passionate soul.

She felt the heavy pounding of her heart, practically hammering against her rib cage like a rapid drum solo as her focus become tunneled. In all the howling uncertainty storming through her mind, like the tiniest beacon in the night, just a twinkle in the dark depths below, there remained only one truth right now.

Her focus was on getting back to the room. Back to bed to wrap her lover in her arms.

Back to Anna.

Back home...

Elsa suddenly fluttered her heavy eyes, feeling a strange change in sensation around her, pressure light but shifting, ears ringing slightly followed by a deep muffled voice. Slowly, almost with effort, shaking away the lingering remnants of last night from her sleeping senses, opening her eyes with a tired blink she was reminded.

Airplane. Flight. America. That's right. She had been on this trip for over 8 hours now. Judging by the popping of her ears, it seemed that they had already begun their final decent.

After the processing in her mind was completed over a drawled 10 seconds, she noticed her position, leaned sideways, neck uncomfortably stiff, but scent of strawberries so familiar. Turning her head slightly, she felt the soft hair brush against her forehead; color a brilliant contrast to the off-white color muting the vicinity. Well if she had to fall asleep anywhere, of course Anna was the perfect pillow.

Waiting for just a few seconds longer, letting her tired eyes blink in and out of alertness, she finally moved to sit up, stretching her shoulders as much as she could in the cramped seating space. She turned to the freckled girl, mostly expecting her to be pressed against the window, snoring loudly in a typical Anna fashion, but two cerulean orbs were on her, scanning her face, a soft look over her expression. Elsa tried to give a smile but it ended up being a poorly stifled yawn. She desperately reached to cover her mouth, the action ingrained in her body's muscle memory to maintain a proper decorum. A little chuckle entered her ears.

"Seems like you had a nice snooze," spoke the younger woman with a smirk. Elsa saw a tan hand extend toward her face, brushing a stand of hair behind her ear. "Your hair says so at least."

Flushing, the older girl quickly went about patting and primping her hair as best as she could in the middle seat (grateful that their anonymous seatmate must have been stretching his legs so she could avoid the odd embarrassment of waking up on a plane). "How long was I out?" she asked distractedly, still hearing the slight tiredness in her voice.

"'Bout an hour," was the simple response, not offering up anything more; her attention turned away to stuff her headphones into her bag, and then trying to cram it under the front seat.

Elsa nodded after a beat, not sure why she was expecting even just another teasing quip of.. something to come from the redhead who was always the opportunist for such things. It had to be the grogginess still lingering making her think such a witless idea. Filling the next bit of silence, she scrambled for her make-up bag inside her carry-on. Using her phone camera, she did her best to tidy her appearance, which, being honest, was the most difficult thing to do after a long flight. Even for Elsa Winters.

Happy as she could possibly be with her handiwork a couple of minutes later, she glanced to the redhead again, now seeing how the younger rower's attention was drawn out the small window. The ground must be coming into view.

The flight wasn't so bad despite the increased time in the air as they flew against the Earth's rotation. But following the call to descent, they soon arrived in the airspace above Logan Airport. While the blonde rower tidied up the tiny space, organizing the in-flight magazines out of politeness and fitting her bag under the seat neatly, the ginger haired woman at her side had further plastered her face to the small window; teal eyes scanning the landscape as they slowly came into the final decent over the harbor waters. A moment later, Elsa chose to join the smaller girl, craning her neck over Anna's shoulder as she inspected the sight.

The city was not as tall as she had been expecting, at least from her general knowledge of American cities, which was admittedly pretty limited; New York City and San Francisco always received the international accolades (but unlike Anna, at least Elsa knew that New York was not the country's capital). She immediately found the charm in one of the country's most historic cities. And the blue stretch of water curving through the buildings in the distance made her stomach flip with a bit of excitement, recognizing the destination with no doubt.

"Almost there," she murmured absentmindedly, feeling the smaller woman's back shiver, only taking notice then how she had rested her face so naturally beside the girl's exposed neck. Biting her lip in amusement at the reaction, Elsa scrunched her nose and nuzzled her face into the spot her breath had tickled briefly, causing the redhead to squirm.

"Yeah yeah, come on, stop tickling me," muttered the smaller girl and Elsa just chuckled, relenting to Anna's request and sitting back comfortably in her seat.

As she felt the wheels of the massive intercontinental aircraft finally touch down a few minutes later, she could feel a whir of nerves begin to flutter in her stomach. Every second, the clock ticked closer and closer for every individual filling that particular flight.

The Norwegian team, and notably some other international teams also arriving around that time, disembarking had brought about a crowd of people in the airport, waving and taking photos, many of which looking just like common fans here for the sight alone. It was nice not having to worry about flocks of camera crews right now, especially given everyone's slightly pale and disheveled looks after a flight, but it didn't mean they couldn't be wary. Adjusting the bag over her shoulder, Elsa just kept her eyes trained ahead with practiced formality, following their red, blue, and white clad group.

Now, despite all the athletes walking around them being wonders in their own regards, Elsa was not the type to become star-struck among her peers, or anyone honestly, but she knew it was not true of her partner. Last night, fawning over the Women's Eight was the most prime example Elsa could think of. Glancing down at the redhead, both hands latched to the straps of her neon green backpack, teal eyes trained straight ahead, it was almost unexpected. How the petite rower beside her currently managed to stay a manageable level of 'fan-girl excitement' as the rowing team and the few other international teams nearby went through the airport's Customs arrival procedures, she would never know. But, feeling the weight brought by every furthering step, she could take a potential guess of why.

The next few weeks were going to be busy, that's for sure, although Elsa was grateful that their sport occurred in the first quarter of the Games. Less time to let their worries get the better of them compared to teams competing up until the last day. Recently, at the introductory ceremony and a bit more of an announcement from the team directors on the plane, the two had been prepped on the coming schedule, in all its daunting magnificence.

The general week leading up to the Opening Ceremony would be filled with their usual work out schedules at the brand new gym facility, constant meetings with the crew team's multiple coaches, strictly timed meals at the Village's local dining hall, and daily jaunts to explore the Charles River's farthest stretches 10k upstream from the planned event area.

Simply first hearing the information was a bit overwhelming, and that was just the physical logistics, completely disregarding the psychological aspects. Elsa could already anticipate the frequent dodging of news casters she would need to be cautious of (for both of them), waiting in inevitable lines at all these locations, time traveling between said locations, constant compulsory equipment checks, and the cognitive demand she anticipated on her putting to use her less than proficient English language skills with basically everyone; her knowledge of Scandinavian and Slavic languages being of next to no use here. And with all of this going on within a bustling city easily double the size and population of Arendelle along with a steady influx of international fans.. Oh, Elsa was not looking forward to the daily busy streets and public transit destroying her sense of a personal bubble. And that was pretty much the most basic levels of existence in a city!

Throughout their transit across the city, bouncing along in the Silver Line bus system, when she stole glances a her relatively quiet partner, she could immediately tell the younger girl had a lot going on her mind. Elsa frowned, scanning the girl's face with a bit more scrutiny.

Anna looked tired, distracted almost, hugging her carry-on pack into herself as she slouched beside her on the crammed bus. It was an unusual sight to see the vibrant woman anything less than excited. Hell, Elsa would have expected Anna to be glued to the large window, clamoring over the back of their seat like an excitable toddler, inspecting all there was to see of the foreign city just on the simple drive.

Feeling the residual ache in her temple at her own fretting anticipatory thoughts, Elsa could only imagine how Anna must be processing everything. The redhead was always so gung-ho and not always one to be cognizant of details. Maybe that was the reason the young woman had appeared so subdued since landing.

She must be overwhelmed now that we're really here, and knowing how unbelievably busy we're going to be soon, Elsa thought sympathetically. The long day of travel can't be helping either.. She had to fight the immediate urge to put her arm around the woman's petite shoulders, offering her some semblance of comfort, but she could not do so where they were currently, sandwiched in the small transport with a good sized fraction of their country's team.

Instead, subtly, she nudged her shoulder into the unusually non-talkative rower, gaining the bright and confused gaze brought to her own immediately. Elsa gave her a cheerful smile, wiggling her shoulders just a bit to try to demonstrate the sense of excitement, hoping the slightly more buoyant behavior than she normally emitted would be powerful enough to lighten the air and dispel what looked almost like a rain cloud hovering above the always spirited redhead.

With only a short pause, Elsa watched the seascape orbs bounce once over her face before she snickered, a crooked smile appearing, as she shook her head at the stoic woman's bit of silliness.

Thank goodness, Elsa found herself thinking, as if she was actually momentarily worried that the girl was no longer capable of smiles. It was an inane thought, but probably off-putting enough because of the fact Anna almost always had a bright, grinning expression. And maybe Elsa just noticed the lack of warm brilliance more so today because the event planning was taking its own toll on her mentality. Although the evening still felt young, she knew a good night's rest would be welcome to both of them..

They arrived at their hotel room shortly after the bus had dropped them off in the Olympic Village in the Old Harbor, just south of South Boston. Anna grabbed her key card first and swiped into the room. She practically threw herself on to the mattress with a loud groan. Once the bus had 'kicked them off' (per Anna's phrasing) outside of the Village instead of right in front of their hotel, the girl had been muttering repeatedly about how tired she already was on the walk over. It was quite amusing, and seeing her flop so haphazardly onto the bed just made Elsa giggle lightly.

"It will be good to get some rest now. We have to get up early to get to the gym to make up for today," Elsa noted gently. "And we have a meeting at 8, so that means early breakfast too."

Anna groaned, hands falling over her eyes and dragging her fingers down, making a face. "Sometimes I question why I chose a pain inducing sport that makes me wake up before some people my age have even gone to sleep."

Placing her bag and suitcase down, Elsa acknowledged a hum. "Masochism?"

"Must be," moped the younger rower before she forced herself to sit up. "I'm just gonna change and go to bed then." She crossed the room, looking through her bag quickly (unlikely to put away or hang up any of the items for the duration of the trip Elsa could not help but consider), and changing into her pajamas like a blur there on the floor. Anna's 'get ready for bedtime' routine was certainly a far cry from her own.

Elsa stood still in the middle of the room, watching the scene unfold, until Anna got up again and moved back to the bed.

"Goodnight," the freckled girl mumbled, vision seeming tunneled in her sleepy stupor. Elsa actually took a small step back out of the way, watching the young woman practically breeze past her. At that, she could not help the slight frown returning to her face.

"Hey.." Her voice was soft but it seemed to be enough. Her Doubles partner paused while lifting back the covers, looking up to the tall blonde.

Like a few of the other brief blips today, Elsa felt like this behavior stood out just a bit as well. There had only been a handful of times where Anna actually was the one to go to bed first, usually Elsa being the more prompt one. But it had only been once or twice where the redhead had not essentially insisted on a good night's kiss, for reasons Elsa could not even recall. Making this a thrice matter would have been enough to make her question the behavior on a normal day, but something felt off.

With the zombie-like stare on her, Elsa swallowed, not feeling any functional comfort in her possible word choices for some reason, at least summoning anything that was coherent to express her queries. Instead, she settled on lifting her arms out, tilting her head slightly to the side, hoping her meaning was conveyed in the act by itself. It was somewhat of a universal gesture, one she had definitely successfully used with Anna in the past, so of course it was her go to.

After a few blinks of fatigued eyes, she watched the younger woman shake her head roughly, pig-tails flinging against her cheeks.

"Sorry." Anna mumbled the apology with a bit of a blush before dropping her task and stepping up into the open arms.

Elsa collected her smaller partner gently, tightly wrapping her arms around her small frame. But in her motions, she noticed how instead of the redhead reciprocating the same embrace, Anna had tucked her arms up between them; something Elsa had discovered was more akin to when she was seeking a comforting approach to the hug.

Tilting her nose into Anna's neck, Elsa sincerely asked, "Hey. What's on your mind?" Her hand lightly began moving in a lulling motion over the redhead's shoulder blade. When no response came right away, Elsa leaned back to catch the freckled face in front of her own. She saw the closed eyes flutter open again, gaze kept low toward her collarbone rather than looking up. "Anna, what's-?"

A loud yawn interrupted her question with Anna lifting a hand to her bleary eyes. "Ah.. sorry. I'm just really out of it right now." With pink cheeks, she gave a sheepish grin up the blonde before glancing to the side, extracting one of her hands from her chest to brush behind her ear. "I didn't actually sleep much last night. Had a lot on my mind.."

Sapphire lashes fluttered, but she nodded earnestly to the response, offering an understanding gaze. So all of the upcoming events and scheduling was what was bothering her. She wasn't even able to sleep.

Elsa leaned in, pressing a long kiss against the auburn bangs loosely hanging over the woman's tan forehead. "I see," she said gently as she brought her fingers to the small ties at the base of long braids. Quickly, she pulled them free and lightly threaded her fingers through the delicate fiery strands, eventually fluffing the girl's tamed hair free and letting its full length fall over her shoulders much as it had last night. The shorter woman went to voice some sort of rebuttal, but Elsa shook her head. "Just stay for a moment."

Letting her fingers linger in their motions moving the dark tresses, threading and unthreading, slim digits lightly rising to massage the back of her temples, Anna's eyes slid closed, relaxing into the minstrations without any further fight. The blonde smiled as she let her fingers support the girl's head a bit more, stepping forward to close the minuscule space between them, cradling the tired woman into her collar.

She knew there was only so much that she could do to ease worries like this. They did not have much of any say in how their days would be run. Elsa would do her best to handle and bear as much of the day to day nuisances as possible, as to let Anna strictly focus on the physical training and her lovely meal times. But here in the quiet of their room, she hoped Anna would find some peace of mind just being with her, accepting their usual sentimental exchanges and touches the same as they did back home, knowing that what they were about to go through, they would be doing so together.

...

Anna curled up, asleep practically the second her head at long last hit the pillow, while Elsa took the quiet time to read for another half hour until she felt the full weight of the day's travel hit her. She closed her book and set it aside.

Before switching the bedside light off, she turned and looked back at the girl sleeping beside her. She watched in amusement as the redhead adjusted, turning toward her with a small snort.

Smiling, Elsa leaned on her elbow, letting her fingers gently brush the red, messy bangs out of the girl's face and then moving to tuck the wild red locks back behind her ear. In the most innocent presentations, the normally exuberant rower looked absolutely beautiful under the guise of peaceful slumber.

Grateful at seeing the plaguing worries washed clean from the freckled face, her ease into the hopefully more restful night much quicker thanks to the soothing touches, Elsa felt her smile become easy, heart feeling full at the sight in front of her, fingers continuing a feather-light stroke through her freed soft hair splayed out over the pillow, finding the motion just as relaxing as the younger woman had appeared to.

She missed this the night before, wanting nothing more than to surround herself with her young partner, having to manage with just protectively holding her tightly in her arms as she willed herself to fall asleep, pushing aside the churning waves of stress clinging to her psyche. It had become her habit, a nightly ritual which she held dear; that she was the person who was lucky enough to hold the literal ray of sunshine each night. But these moments, ones where she could freely watch the slumbering face, were most precious of all. Slowly, she leaned in, pressing another kiss against the girl's forehead once more before reaching to turn off the lights.

Tomorrow would be a busy day as they got back to their training, with the Opening Ceremony on the horizon, indicating their ever rapidly approaching event. But Anna's upbeat energy, once well-rested and rearing to take on whatever was to come, was all the assurance Elsa needed that they'd make it through all the upcoming chaos.

She snuggled up in front of the sleeping woman, resting her head on the pillow close to the girl's face, feeling the warm puffs of breath tickling her cheeks and the flavor of mixed berries, Anna's favorite lip-balm selection, gifting a taste to her lips. Her hand found the tan one poking out from the sheets, covering it with her own.

Certain words came into the forefront of her thoughts and it stirred a tizzy in her chest. Words she hadn't heard herself speak aloud in a long while, but silently sighed internally more and more frequently.

Belle, loathe she was too admit, had been completely correct about one thing. She had always held a worry that Anna would one day come to tire of her, to leave her for a countless list of reasons, and she honestly could see every single reason to be rightfully so.

Sure, with time and reassurances across multiple people, friends and even her third party therapist, she had come to accept, firmly now, especially after extracting herself from that moment of self doubt, proving she could prevail over something she had internalized her whole life, that she did deserve to be loved with no strings attached.. but to be loved by Anna? That was something else entirely.

This was what may have prevented her from speaking so freely with these 3 words even as they felt closer than ever; the single strand of the thinnest hair she pretended to grasp at as her only safety line which, she knew, would barely offer even a grain of reprieve in the matter of a broken heart.

Instead, she was doing everything she could to embrace their physical openness as confidently as she could, which she did like to think has been a successful endeavor, feeling it almost compulsory to snuggle into the redhead every night, to press her lips on the fireworks pattern speckled at the nape of the slender neck, basking in the automatic shiver it would cause and the occasional waking kiss it would draw in return from the sleepily smiling redhead. Every hug, every kiss, every touch, every snuggle, peppered with flirtatious lines cute enough to leave her blushing and breathless, left her craving so much more and wanting Anna to sense the same.

Triggers like last night, nerves struck like a well-played cord with reverberations vibrating excruciatingly up the newly fissuring chasm of her confidence, were what allowed her to lapse, allowed the fear of loss to creep back into her pleasant reality and linger in the shadows until her mind was left to wander, allowing her imagination to taunt her; that her world was a bubble, fantastic and successful, where she had arrived with her young career and with an angel beside her.

A bubble that would have to pop eventually; to lose her spot among the elite again, to lose Anna, one way or another. It was inevitable, something she gave in to and accepted the moment she uttered that confession for the first time, realizing that even with the prospect of an eventual fall out, that Anna was worth her putting her heart on the line.. Yes, they were stronger together. For now. She just had no idea how she would recover if her greatest fear came to pass. If she even would. Would she become stronger from the tribulations? There was always the possibility but.. She was more scared that her being would crumble entirely, similar to when Belle swooped into her life for only one evening tearing her down, nearly getting her to succumb to this feeling..

To lose Anna, to be hated or disappointed in for any reason.. would she have any ability to show that she could stand alone?

Her hand squeezed Anna's tighter as she felt her eyes sting a bit.

Reflexive to the motion, a light hold was felt given back, and it brought a relieving smile to the blonde's face.

Honestly, it didn't matter how she tried to withhold the words, a foolish excuse to imagine a sense of protection. Constantly speaking them in her heart, they existed and were no less real, no less powerful in regard to representing the young woman's reigning seize of her heart, and Elsa's complete submission in her doing so.

After another short moment, simply appreciating where they were, now, how far they've both come, together in the solitude of their room, even if this was only borrowed time, for however long Anna chose to have her, she finally let her eyes slide closed, hand bringing the tan knuckles to her lips; a whisper pressed against the warm skin, what she hesitated to say aloud during the waking hours but so readily let herself give into when swaddled in a sheet of warm relaxation.

"I love you. Sweet dreams."

The quiet whisper floated in the air, lingering comfortably, in the stillness, accompanied by soft breaths and steady heartbeats, offering a soft but ardor filled symphony to play the pair a lullaby that night.

-End Chapter 39: Part 1-

A.N. I feel SO much better having this out now following 38's ending. Although I am sorry that the chapter numbers will look a little funny going forward because of this chapter midway split. But it was wayyyy too long otherwise, like over 30k, I had to split it for everyone's sanity. Obviously Part 2 will be an Elsa POV continuation from this.

Now that we can all see what's happening, 38/39 are meant to culminate each girls' deepest fears to make them face things head on. Ever since the Hopeful's race, we've seen the return of Anna's growing self-doubt which hadn't been seen for a long time, becoming dependent on Elsa's assurances, and she has to decide how bravely she can go forward if she can't rely on Elsa. While Elsa's internal thoughts have been unknown to us all this time, now seeing that although she's made gains in many of her perceptions, her biggest Achille's Heel remains Anna, and she's questioning if all she's become is still only due to reliance on others. Communication and trust are huge, but some fears are so insidious we don't notice them until they're already in control. :D

Any way, have some puppies, rainbows, and sunshine happiness! Thank you for reading :)