If I Get My Way - Det. Amanda Rollins & ADA Dominic Carisi Jr.
The rush of the kiss, the passion it enraged, she placed her hand in his chest after he has spoken those sweet words to her ears, talking about kindred spirits about Fin and fiance but the words Sonny spoke of was like words unlocking the last lock in her heart, the rush of emotions spoke heavily to her sweet ears, she heard his words, it was like every word poured from his sweet untouched lips was speaking about her, about them, about the partnership they had had, still had. She had tears in her eyes but all she could about was the words he spoke were like he was pouring love in her heart, into her head, she has been quick to love and quicker to love someone else but she had never found someone who would or could love her as she loved them, or loved the way she deserved. She had gained the courage to do anything, she wasn't alone in that moment.
In that moment she had all the courage in the world to change the past, the present and the future. He accepted her advancement, after she had moved back towards a more personal space between, he moved towards her, he stared in her blue eyes, those baby blues that could tell the world about pain, about love, about being strong, he admired everything about her, he loved her. He bent his head before their lips locked again and this kiss was more passionate than the last. they had both let go, it didn't matter about anyone else, only they mattered at that moment because it was like two orange halves had found their half again, they were whole. they weren't mismatched or begging to fit together, her hand moulded to him like a heavenly creature had made her blend beautifully and literally to his form, that his hand fit in hers like cinderella's foot in that glass slipper.
This night, no, I don't wanna talk about her
Tonight, I really wanna fix your hurt
'Cause I can see it in your face
Your heart is breaking, heart is breaking
No, this night, no, I don't wanna hear her name
Tonight, no, I don't wanna play her games
'Cause I, I really wanna be the one to take you
One to take you home
Her heart ruled her heart, she knew that moment he wiped her tears that her heart had won, her head would no longer fight, her head let her go. She pressed her hand onto his chest and she looked at his face before she tiptoes to reach his lips before letting go her sweet lips touch his, he looked soulful at her as his life was honest, his life had meaning, that glint in his eye it was mellowed because his eyes were only on her, that the whole world around them could be burning alive but the look at each other's eyes, was like their hearts had finally connected and they were talking their heads had no ruling. The kiss, the kissing was like their hearts bonding again to one another, he had been like a father to her children, and he is the only man that loved her in a way that was more than life itself, his heartbeat to the rhythm of hers, they had been through so much but yet they were each other's other half, they made each other whole.
Their hands entwined with one another before he held them back to the celebration they stood in front of their friends. Their family, hand in hand like nothing mattered, no one mattered except them two at that moment that it was the most important moment of each other's life because for them it was because they both knew each other felt the same, that they were finally whole. They stood hand in hand for hours while they celebrated the not a wedding day for their friend and past and present partner of Fin Tutuola and Phoebe Baker. They were close. Closer they were normally, everyone knew that the two of them had some bond that no one could explain, it didn't matter what happened between the pair. No matter the day or time they would be there for one another, figurative that is what a soulmate is, but literally, they weren't, nor until this night, they had finally accepted the feelings they had for one another and kissed so passionately that they could both feel their heartbeats thumping in each other's hands.
Fed up of being the shoulder you cry on
I want to be the shoulder you lie on
Everyday, every night
I'll be fine, I'll be fine
If you're mine
Fed up of being the one that you lean on
I want to be the one that you dream of
Everyday, every night
I'll be fine (I'll be fine, I'll be fine)
The celebration was ending, they had stood for hours with their hands holding, or being in proximity that was far more loving than friendly. She had put her coat back on before she spoke to Liv, she had been speaking to Stabler all night nearly, Rollins wanted some human interaction that wasn't him. Reality had set into her mind, he had someone, she didn't but just because she wanted to kiss him shouldn't have meant she should have, she shouldn't have. So Amanda walked in the direction of her boss, and her friend, one of the only friends that she could be truly honest with, and she wouldn't be hesitant to tell her the truth or help her. All she could think of was what had happened in those fractions of seconds, what moment had occurred and all she could think of was that she had just ruined the relationship she had had with Carisi. What did she do?
"Liv, Liv, can we talk?"
"Yeah, yeah, sure, is everything alright Rollins."
"No. It isn't, what the hell have I done," she quietly cried as they walked to the edge of the party, she had tears falling down her face, rolling softly, lovingly, regretfully and with all the desire, want and need in the world.
"It's okay Amanda, whatever it is you can tell me, what's happened."
"I've done something so stupid, I can't take it back, I don't want to take it back, it happened and I can't do anything to stop it. it just happened." She spoke softly with her Atlanta accent.
"Amanda, what happened, precisely what happened?" Her captain questioned her fellow officer, her friend, about what could have happened to make her so worried, guilty or hurting.
"I kissed him."
"Well, whoever you kissed, I'm sure they aren't going to be angry with you." Olivia joked.
If I get my way, I'mma take care of you
I can take her place, let me get my way, ooh
If you let me try, just one night, I can prove
I can take her place, let me get my way, ooh
(Hey, hey)
"He already has someone and I kissed him." Guilt-ridden, she spoke.
"Well, they will probably forget it, everyone had something to drink." Liv tried to help defend Amanda in her self guilt trip she was taken.
"I won't forget it. I'll never forget it." Her response demanded.
"Who was it, that's making you act this guilty?"
"I kissed Sonny. I kissed Sonny Carisi,"
"You kissed him!" Shocked, she responded.
She knew that fellow police officers became partners, there was a bond like nothing else, she knew from her own experience, she had fallen in love with someone who she couldn't have, but only now she could, she had an opportunity. What she had done to have the courage to fight to kiss, to love someone for a second that she loved to non-verbally tell someone how she felt about them. how could she all of the people tell Rollins that what she did was wrong, when her heart knew just like Amanda, that what she did was true, was done out of love, out of years of yearning, and falling in love over a period of years, through moments they had experience, alone, together, everything that moulded them together to a singular moment that caused an explosion of emotions, an epic kiss that neither could ever forget.
This time, no, I'mma make you see me too
This night, I'm never letting go of you
Tonight, I'mma put a end to all the waitin'
All the waitin'
"Rollins kissed me."
"I kissed her back, I wanted to Fin, what sort of person makes me, I have someone and I disregard all of that for a kiss with my ex-partner."
"Do you see that woman over there, speaking to those people?"
"Yeah, it's Phoebe,"
"I waited 20 years to tell her. 20 years Carisi. You didn't kiss her back for nothing."
"It doesn't matter why I did it, I just did it."
"It does matter, it will always matter. You kissed her back after she kissed you because you love her."
"She's my partner… she was my partner, we're friends."
"Friends… you two are like an old married couple, the reason you let it happen is that you wanted her to kiss you, and when it ended you kissed her back because you wanted to."
"Fin, it's not like…"
"It's not like that? Really Carisi,"
"I know it's not, it's never been like that,"
"Really, so you can tell me that you don't love her…" Fin asked.
"Fin!"
"Do you love her?"
The silence began as Fin left Carisi at the bar to savour his whiskey alone, with his thoughts and mind, while he replayed his conversation with both Amanda and Fin in his head. But he knew whatever had happened and what he had talked about his girlfriends hadn't mattered. He knew at that moment he didn't love her, he wasn't sure if he liked her in any sense of love or relationship. He knew that in his heart and his head, that she was just someone that he liked to spend some time with so he wasn't alone. He knew know that had been cruel, but until the moment that he had kissed Amanda back that he did have those feelings for her and not his so-called girlfriend.
Fed up of being the shoulder you cry on
I want to be the shoulder you lie on
Everyday, every night
I'll be fine, I'll be fine
If you're mine
Fed up of being the one that you lean on
I want to be the one that you dream of
Everyday, every night
I'll be fine (I'll be fine, I'll be fine)
"Yeah, I can't take that back, I kissed him because I…"
"Amanda, it's okay." She lied, "Did I ever tell you about Stabler?"
"What about Stabler?"
"He was my old partner like you know, but what you didn't know was that I loved him,"
"Liv, you don't need to tell me this,"
"I do, I want to, because I loved him like I know you love Carisi,"
"Liv…"
"I loved him like no other man I ever have, he had a wife, so I never did anything, I couldn't, I couldn't make her miserable for feelings I couldn't express. When Kathy died, his children asked me to talk to him at their apartment. He told me he loved me in the middle of the room with his kids behind me. I knew that when he tried to change what he said that he had loved me back. we loved each other."
"Loved?"
"It's been 10 years since Rollins, I don't even know anymore, but I could have told him, I could have told him, I could have wrecked his marriage but I didn't, but I regret never telling him then. you did, you didn't wreck a marriage, a relationship, you kissed him, and he could've just forgotten about it but he didn't, he wanted it, he kissed you back."
"Liv, don't just tell me what I want to hear,"
"I'm not, just think about it, please."
"Okay,"
If I get my way, I'mma take care of you
I can take her place, let me get my way, ooh
If you let me try, just one night, I can prove
I can take her place, let me get my way, ooh
The music that had been playing had begun to fade as the guest to the party had begun to leave from the party, Sonny had finished his drink while he watched in the distance as his old boss, Olivia Benson, stood and talked to Rollins. He grabbed his coat and her coat, he had promised to walk her home earlier in the night and he wasn't going to break that promise even if he did need hours to just think and wonder about what they had done, what he wanted to happen, what to think. Emotions had overtaken him in the moment but then reality had struck him that he had a life, he had a life without her, that what happened he needed to explain to himself.
Don't you know I try
To forget about you at night?
Being more than just friends, oh I, need ya
'Cause I've been on your side
Long before this new girl came by
She does nothin' but tell you lies
I know
He walked away from her apartment door after the babysitter had left, he had say his goodbyes, they had had an awkward hug before both of them stood at either side of the door and huffed, thinking, exploring their mind for the words they could speak to one another. She was uncertain, rain poured on the ground, she didn't see a drop fall on her. Thoughts ran through her mind, they ran at a thousand miles an hour, she alone with her thoughts. She wasn't alone in all the thoughts she had, he was there, he was there tugging at her heart, while her head rejected his advancements of thoughts. She stood motionless on her balcony, her girls all tucked into their beds, thanks to her lovely babysitter and they were asleep, but Amanda Rollins was doing a lot more than sleeping this night, she would be thinking, staring into space, the rain falls but she still stood there until she was completely drenched and hours had passed.
He walked on the riverwalk, with tiny raindrops falling on his woollen coat, with all the thoughts running through his mind about his previous relationships, his own weird soulmate friendship with Amanda Rollins, he had always called her Rollins, but it was something that made her heart love, he was thinking, he didn't need to think he knew. He loved her. He loved Jesse. He loved Billie. he had been there for her for God sake for everything and she was for him, they were meant to be, and once he got that thought in his mind when he was walking, his walk became a run. And the run became a sprint until he got to her door, banging with knocks to be able to see her because once it was clear in his mind that they shouldn't wait anymore, that kiss broke his world. But she rebuilt it, he fell in love with her all over again. He had realised he had been falling in love with her since the day they met.
If I get my way, I'mma take care of you
I can take her place, let me get my way, ooh
If you let me try, just one night, I can prove
I can take her place, let me get my way
Oh woh woh oh
He knocked….
She walked from the couch she had been sat on after she had had a shower and changed after she had got soaked from the drizzling rain that ran all over her body whilst she thought to herself in the midnight air about what she could say, what she would say, what she wanted to say when she would next see Carisi. She opened the door and there he stood, in all his might and glory, the man she deep down knew she loved since the minute she had fallen for him, it had taken time, but she had, she had fallen in love with Dominic 'Sonny' Carisi, and she couldn't deny it, she wouldn't not in her heart at least, in person, in her heard she couldn't. But she had opened the door and he was looking in at her in her apartment.
If I get my way, I'mma take care of you
I can take her place, let me get my way, ooh
If you let me try (me try), just one night, I can prove
I can take her place, let me get my way, ooh
If I get my way, I'mma take care of you
I can take her place, let me get my way (ooh)
If you let me try, just one night, I can prove
I can take her place, let me get my way, ooh
"Carisi," A quiet whisper uttered from her lips.
"Can we talk?"
"It's nearly midnight, can this wait till morning?"
"No, because…."
"Okay, okay you can come in, just be quiet, the girls are asleep,"
"Yeah sure."
"This is about tonight, isn't it?"
"Yeah,"
"Well, we get to forget about it, all of it, it doesn't matter,"
"It does matter because I love you, Amanda Rollins, I love Jesse and Billie. I love you, every part of you, everything."
"Sonny stop it, we can't"
"Says who,"
"Your girlfriend would,"
"Girlfriends come and go, what I feel for you aren't, I'm telling you you can be with me forever, that I can be with you forever, I don't want to dance around us, around this anymore," He told her.
He stood face to face with her in her kitchen, all the thoughts that he had in the day, in the night whilst he had walked on the riverwalk had come flooding into his mind, he stood in front of the woman that he so desperately knew and wanted to tell her that he truly loved her, that he had been in loved with her, and he finally wanted her to know that, he wanted her to know that he couldn't stop thinking about her, about the facts that since her kids had been born that he had loved them. He was their godfather and they knew him as uncle sonny. But he knew that he could be her everything and he could be hers, and he could be hers and Jesse and Billie's too.
"Rollins, just one night, I can prove, I am that man who will love you, the way you deserve. If you let me. Because you're the one for me." He spoke as he stood at her door with tears forming in her eyes.
"I love you Amanda Rollins, and I don't care if the world knows it." He declared his love for her.
"I love you too." She subtly spoke the words that melted his heart. He came into the apartment and the rest is history.
They were them, and they were an us, they were finally where they both were supposed to be, together.
